decisive moves

U.S., Other Sharia-Based Countries Destroying Israel With UN

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Winning the Future HolocaustsThe Obama administration is trying very hard at the moment to not have to call the Israeli settlements in Palestine illegal. Oh, diplomacy, you’re so silly. In order to do so, the U.S. has tried to make a deal with Arab countries to vote for a statement saying it “does not accept the legitimacy of continued Israeli settlement activity.” What is the difference between calling something illegal and saying you don’t accept its legitimacy? A lot, apparently. Enough to get all upset about. So much so that if this “settlements are illegal” resolution gets to the Security Council, the Obama administration may make its first veto. Does Obama really want the Palestine issue to be resolved, or does he want things to just stop happening in Palestine and for everybody to shut up their countries? It’s confusing. Let’s just say he’s a secret Arab Muslim because he doesn’t scream out “OH, ISRAEL, YES” when he’s having sex with Michelle, okay?

The U.S.-backed draft statement — which was first reported by Al Hurra — was obtained by Turtle Bay. In it, the Security Council “expresses its strong opposition to any unilateral actions by any party, which cannot prejudge the outcome of negotiations and will not be recognized by the international community, and reaffirms, that it does not accept the legitimacy of continued Israeli settlement activity, which is a serious obstacle to the peace process.” The statement also condemns “all forms of violence, including rocket fire from Gaza, and stresses the need for calm and security for both peoples.”

Let’s just spend more and more decades with this “impending negotiations” ruse until we can run out the clock on this humanity thing and finally enjoy having champion Jeopardy! machine Watson rule us with his trivia knowledge. You may laugh about him thinking Toronto is in the U.S., but it’s actually profound that he can’t see borders. [FP]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

    You know, at this point I'm just about willing to give Skynet a shot at running things. How much worse could it be?

    • undeterredbyreality

      Well, Ah-nold is ready for his close-up–it remains to be determined which side he'll be on this time.

    • SorosBot

      I certainly wouldn't mind being dominated by Cameron, the terminator played by Summer Glau, if you know what I mean.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    I do not accept the legitimacy of your continued claims of ownership of that fine looking Porsche 911 sitting in your driveway.

    Keys, please.

    • jim89048

      Wait, do teh Joos buy German cars?

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Fuck it Barry, even Argentina has officially recognized Palestine.
    Qual é o problema?

    • HolyMaracas

      Recognized the problem…and made Portuguese its official language?

    • Negropolis

      It seems Brazil has conquered the Argentinians. Funny, didn't know there was an active war between the two.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Only on the pitch!

        But a one-on-one match, Maradona v. Pele, will settle everything.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Zion-land better watch out or the UN will force them all to ride bicycles.
    If it can happen in Denver, it can happen anywhere!!!

    Shalom, baby.

    • horsedreamer_1

      האופניים הזה מטען צינור

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        Yeah, except it really is!


      • MyLifeasaFake

        האופניים הם מטען צינור

    • Negropolis

      More like "Shalom, motherfuckers."

  • chascates

    Isn't criticizing Israel is the real third rail of politics?

  • Oblios_Cap

    Let’s just say he’s a secret Arab Muslim because he doesn’t scream out “OH, ISRAEL, YES” when he’s having sex with Michelle.

    Oh, Shit! I'm a secret Arab Muslim, too!

    • Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

      Wait, are you talking about the screaming out "OH, ISRAEL, YES" part, or the having sex with Michelle Obama part?

      • Oblios_Cap


    • PristineODummy

      Yeah, I know, I was all shocked and everything when I found out, too. Also.

    • Negropolis

      Color me taupe, 'cause I'm always yelling out "Oh, Burkina Faso, yes!"

  • SorosBot

    The President doesn't reflexively support Israel's right to steal land from the victims of their apartheid system? That means he hates Jews more than Hitler!

  • DerrickWildcat

    There's a Jewish family living in my town. Some of the things they say and do are kind of weird, but overall, they seem nice enough to me.

    • ttommyunger

      COMMIE !

    • Negropolis

      Thank you for that tremendous insight.

  • freakishlywrong

    Aw fuck. Grow a pair. Here, I'll say it; "settlements are illegal". See?

    • Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

      …aaaand now you will never be elected to any position of authority in the US. Hope it was worth it.

    • V572625694

      Won't mean a thing until Christ Christlie says it.

    • doloras


  • Weenus299

    I see Borders is/are bankrupt in Israel/Palestine/Whatever, as well. All of that shit merely confuses me, makes me sad.

    • oldmoose

      In Israel, "Borders" is called "Checkpoints," and the baristas shoot you whenever the anti-theft dealie on their DVDs start beeping.

  • OneDollarJuana

    Poor America. Your psycho-bitch Jewish girlfriend keeps stealing from her psycho-bitch Arab neighbor who keeps throwing rocks at your girlfriend to get her to stop, and even though you kind of concede that the neighbor has a point, Israel is still your gf and those rocks kind of hurt, so what you gonna do?

    • WABishop

      Meanwhile your brother is totally eager to make a move on her if he sees a sliver of daylight between you two. It doesn't help that he keeps telling her how beautiful she is when she's mad.

  • Oblios_Cap

    The statement also condemns “all forms of violence, including rocket fire from Gaza, and stresses the need for calm and security for both peoples

    That's way too sensible. What drugs were those folks on?

    • BeWoot

      Calm in Gaza. Wasn't that a Huxley sci-fi novel?

  • SayItWithWookies

    You know, breaking a UN resolution is breaking a UN resolution. If the Security Council pussyfoots around this, it'll only encourage Israel to keep up its lawless behavior. I mean, we did that with Iraq and look what happened.

  • ifthethunderdontgetya

    It’s confusing. Let’s just say he’s a secret Arab Muslim because he doesn’t scream out “OH, ISRAEL, YES” when he’s having sex with Michelle, okay?

    And you know this how, Jack? In any case, it's the U.S. Government response to everything Israel does, whether it's confining the Palestinians in a ghetto or shooting an unarmed U.S. citizen in the head while he is lying prone on the deck of a ship.

    • Steverino247

      Or attacking a commissioned vessel of the United States Navy (i.e., USS Liberty (AGTR-5)) sailing around in the Eastern Mediterranean in international waters while flying the biggest American flag they had on board…

      • V572625694

        Shhh…we don't talk about that. It's old news!

    • V572625694

      Free Jonathan Pollard! Poor guy got a raw deal for selling out "his" country. Bibi says so.

  • baconzgood

    What about the bulldozers? Do they have legitimacy?

    • Negropolis

      A bulldozer always has legtimacy, unless it's stopped by something bigger/more dangerous.

      Israel should make the bulldozer it's national construction equipment. Emblazen that bitch on their flag, even.

  • Gratuitous World

    I blame the Muslim Brotherhood

    • SmutBoffin

      Yep. That means it's time to BOMB IRAN.

      Why can't the UN get behind that?

    • Negropolis

      If they had any idea about PR they'd have long ago changed their name to the Freedom Democracy Liberty Party.

  • PsycWench

    Let us all ask ourselves "What would the Marx brothers do?"

    • Oblios_Cap

      Karl would tell us to unite, because we have nothing to lose but our chains.

    • BarryOPotter

      "What would the Marx brothers do?"

      I believe what we're seeing now is pretty much what they would do, but with moar funniez, except Karl (bitter muthafucka with utopian dreams that he is…)

    • deanbooth

      I like the idea of the US rep lip syncing "Every little breeze…," jumping up onto the negotiation table, stamping all the papers with a rubber stamp, and then throwing them all in the air, ala Harpo. Now that's diplomacy.

  • horsedreamer_1

    As if my Borders Rewards card wasn't worthless enough.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Speaking of Jeopardy, I was watching it with my kids last night, and about two seconds before they revealed Ken Jennings Final Jeopardy answer, I said "I, for one, welcome our new Computer Overlords." Now my 11-year-old thinks I'm some kind of psychic genius.

    Also, this is kinda funny for all you Jeopardy nerds out there.

    • GOPCrusher

      Being a devout IBMer of many, many years, I've been using this as the opportunity to rub it in the faces of the network boys that play with the toy computers.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        IBM fanboi, huh? Well, enjoy this bit of schadenfreude, then.

  • SmutBoffin

    Yeah, but can Watson love? And by 'love' I mean 'develop an unhealthy fixation on a local transsexual immigrant prostitute that ends in an arrest for an atrocious crime'?

    Ya know, 'love American style'.

    • tcaalaw

      That actually sounds more like an alternate plotline for Irreversible.

  • neiltheblaze

    Israel, like the USA, is exceptional, and anything they do is OK because they're a Democracy – which makes territorial theft perfectly fine. After all, genocide for territorial gain is in our collective DNA, no? So this is minor.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Hell- it worked so well for the US, why not?

    • HistoriCat

      It's because they know the 8th commandment.

  • cheaphits

    Yeah, like Palestine issues will be resolved in the U.N….or are likely to be resolved at all.

  • LabRodent

    Man i sure could use a good settlement. This job sux

  • SorosBot

    A thinking machine just won Jeopardy. In Israel, Zionists are trying to take Palestinian land. Zion was the city that was home to the humans who had escaped the Matrix run by the thinking machines who enslaved humanity. OH MY GOD – it's the final link in the Jewish-Commie-Islamist-Atheist-Skynet conspiracty to RULE THE WORLD!!

  • x111e7thst

    I will need pics and sound before I can be absolutely sure that Barry does not in fact scream out “OH, ISRAEL, YES” when he’s having sex with Michelle.

    • Steverino247

      And you need it on Blu-Ray, too?

  • prommie

    I predict a riot.

  • littlebigdaddy

    A plague on both your houses. I don't care what brand of religious fanaticism you practice– you are making the world a worse place by it.

  • Extemporanus

    Secretary of State Google came up with about 1,290,000 answers to the "illegal/illegitimate" question, and did so in only 0.18 seconds.

    What is the fucking hold-up, you guys?!

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Apparently we’ve given Israel an estimated $114 billion since their inception. Seems like they owe us.

  • nounverb911

    "What is the difference between calling something illegal and saying you don’t accept its legitimacy?"
    Why does the U.N. hate Tripp Palin?

  • Terry

    The answer to the Israel-Palestine problem is theoretically simple. Find someone or something that they both can openly hate. The downside, though, is that something or someone bad enough would have to be absolutely horrifying or an alien invasion.

  • BeWoot

    Turtle Bay? Cool. That's where I get all my cargo shorts.

  • donner_froh

    The statement is mind boggling in its crude moral equivalence between completely disparate actions and its attempt to placate all sides while saying nothing that could offend everyone while insuring that nothing will every be accomplished regarding the Israeli settlements.

    Although it is typical of U.N. prose I still marvel at how they don't even pretend to address the issue at hand let alone attempt to solve it.

  • Troubledog

    Remind me again why I give a fuck about this?


    Bueller? Bueller?


    • Chet Kincaid


  • chickensmack

    Glenn Beck is getting no showprep done today, he's fapping that much right now.

  • PublicLuxury

    This shit gives me a headache. Tell them all to STFU and get along.

  • ulTIMum

    I see a hedge in "continued settlement activity"; it legitimizes encroachment to date, which is, in case you haven't noticed:

  • ttommyunger

    Following well established US protocol with regard to similar disputes in the past; Israel has busied itself manufacturing Smallpox Virus and acquiring blankets with a view towards a final solution of the Gaza and West Bank situations.

  • Shar_S

    Obama could stop the more than $7 million daily to Israel from american tax payers. That may stop a considerable amount of construction.

    • Negropolis

      I thought I'd never see the day, but if the tea party and Democrats continue to cooperate like they have been in the House, we may very well see that.