• May 26, 2012

Beck Didn’t Like It When Abraham Lincoln Supported Google Either

by Jack Stuef  


WE KNEW IT! That Google thought it could win over our trust by keeping secret about our favorite porn and about our weird health fears, but now it’s gone too far: It’s single-handedly taken down Glenn Beck’s best bro, Hosni Mubarak. Look, this isn’t a political thing. Glenn Beck didn’t like it when Bing gave George Washington free ads for the slaves he was selling.

Glenn Beck heard you laughing and responded:

“That kind of paranoia is reserved for the left.” Aww! It must be so maddening for him that there’s some paranoia he can’t exploit for ratings and money. He’s really scraping the barrel these days.

Anyway, this man sitting on his kitchen counter is “cool” with Google “working closely with law enforcement,” so they should just shut down and do that exclusively. FREE HOSNI, GOOGLE! [The Hill/YouTube]

{ 103 comments }

x111e7thst February 17, 2011 at 11:04 am

This is not the Glenda you are looking for. It does not cry sufficiently.

JoshuaNorton February 17, 2011 at 11:07 am

Has he googled "Santorum" yet?

OC_Surf_Serf February 17, 2011 at 12:01 pm

he obviously hasn't googled "FoxNews, blowhard, asshat" yet

genxr February 17, 2011 at 1:57 pm

google FoxNews +assclown -facts

natoslug February 17, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Why should he google it when he obviously survives on a strict diet of it? You are what you eat, after all.

freakishlywrong February 17, 2011 at 11:08 am

Good. I wasn't comfortable sharing the Googles with shockingly ignorant assholes. I was always paranoid some of it would get on me. Can we get rid of all those fucking right wing Google ads now?

cheaphits February 17, 2011 at 11:10 am

"He’s really scraping the barrel these days. "

The bottom of the barrel is Glenn Beck's natural habitat.

Tundra Grifter February 17, 2011 at 12:57 pm

To see the bottom of the barrel, Glumm Bleek would have to look up.

Moonbatting Average February 17, 2011 at 11:12 am

I thought most Beck followers just use AOL when they bother to Hoveround over to their computing machines

owhatever February 17, 2011 at 11:12 am

Glen won't huggle the Google much anymore. Googlers everywhere weep. Facebook is next on the Beck chopping block. Guy is as dumb as Sarah Palin.

PristineODummy February 17, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Not quite. At least HE didn't say "All of them," when asked which Founding Fatherbot was HIS favez.

NewYorkJew February 17, 2011 at 11:12 am

A good ad for Google!

refudiatedness February 17, 2011 at 11:12 am

Google is a word with six letters. Sarah Palin went to six colleges. Coincidence?

YasserArraFeck February 17, 2011 at 12:12 pm

"Hitler" – six letters
"Barack" – six letters
"Stalin" – six letters
"Commie" – six letters
This conspiracy is much, much bigger than we realize….

SorosBot February 17, 2011 at 12:24 pm

"Ronald Wilson Reagan" – six, six, six letters.

LionelHutzEsq February 17, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Glenn Beck once did six rails of cocaine on the sixth day of June.

Barbara_i February 17, 2011 at 11:12 am

I like to use Google to get a list of Glenn's sponsors and then I like to call them and explain why tigers sometimes eat their young. Omaha Steaks dropped him like a hot potato, sitting next to a bacon wrapped filet, the week before Christmas. Glen just said that he "doesn't believe in boycotts" Become a believer, Glenn! Boycotts believe in you.

SorosBot February 17, 2011 at 11:19 am

I was very happy when our local radio station, which is where he got his start as a political talker (instead of the "Morning Zoo" crap he started with), dropped him last month. The station broadcasts nothing but wingnuts, despite being in a city that's about 70-80% Democratic, but he went too far for even them.

Barbara_i February 17, 2011 at 11:39 am

Just once I would like to see Glenn and Sarah both not have to rage about something. "Nah, it was a good day, got the car washed, went to the Farmer's Market, ate a Zagnut bar"

The funny thing is that the conspiracies that they predict don't happen and their followers don't notice. Where are the freaking death panels? Why is Trig still alive?

DangerHelvetica February 17, 2011 at 12:07 pm

I'm reminded of the book "88 Reasons Why the Rapture Will Be in 1988"

natoslug February 17, 2011 at 12:27 pm

You mean I fucking missed it? And here I had my best rapture suit set out. Fuck.

SorosBot February 17, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Sadly we're still stuck with the fundies. When will god get around to taking them all away, creating a paradise on Earth?

GOPCrusher February 17, 2011 at 1:21 pm

When it comes right down to it, money is why scumbags like Beck, Boss Limbaugh, etc. are on the air. America doesn't need a return of the Fairness Doctrine to get these people off the air, because when the advertisers notice that their product isn't moving because of who they spend their precious ad dollars on, those ad dollars go somewhere else.
And even a snake oil salesman like Glenn Beck understands that if there is no money coming in, Glenn don't get a check.

PristineODummy February 17, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Unless, of course, a billionaire or two steps in to bail them out. Not to piss all over your parade or nuthin', but Beck's show doesn't have a single advertiser in the UK; and I understand his US advertisers are few and far between, too. Which means Rupert is paying for Glenn to be on the air, and has been for nearly 2 years now.

trampndirtdown February 17, 2011 at 11:12 am

Who are these people, are they left or right clean or dirty jets or sharks who knows i don't but shouldn't we be ever vigilant.

Edit: Oh God i just watched the second clip. All snark aside I hope this man gets the medical attention he needs.

nounverb911 February 17, 2011 at 11:13 am

Time to Google bomb him, any suggestions for his new results?

MLite February 17, 2011 at 11:30 am

A "Beck" is a hemorrhoid that constantly throbs, burns, and irritates. You can try to smother it with pads and cream, but it will never really go away, occasionally bleeds, and get's irritated when you have a bowel movement.

Maybe Dan Savage should take a stab at this.

nounverb911 February 17, 2011 at 11:49 am
Mrs. Bitch February 17, 2011 at 11:58 am

As a woman with way too much time on her hands sometimes, I take great joy in spending 5 minutes a day or so doing Googly searches for:
Republicans are f***witted imbeciles
Republicans are pedophiles
Republicans are ugly, fat, lying liar hypocrites
Repbulican men are all closet c**ksuckers
et cetera, et cetera.
Join me in my childish fun, won't all of you? It may start a new meme.

widestanceroman February 17, 2011 at 11:14 am

No search engine can compete with the disordered synapses of this man, so in his way, he has singlehandedly taken down Watson, for freedom.

For the first time in my life, I am proud of Glenn Beck.

Or maybe Santorum gave Beck a hand job to take down Teh Google with his Blackboard Brigade.

Troubledog February 17, 2011 at 11:16 am

Job-killing Google is killing the jobs of hard working professional research librarians each and every day.

baconzgood February 17, 2011 at 11:16 am

Where does Keven Becon fit in?

Terry February 17, 2011 at 11:51 am

Aiming the spotlight?

SorosBot February 17, 2011 at 11:17 am

tc;dw (Too crazy; didn't watch)

SayItWithWookies February 17, 2011 at 11:18 am

If you're doing your own homework, don't Google "Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in the 1990s."

DoktorZoom February 17, 2011 at 11:29 am

I just naturally assumed that this search string was the main reason Beck don't like teh Googles.

JoeBiteme February 17, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Ha ha ha, done. I love group projects!!!

undeterredbyreality February 17, 2011 at 11:18 am

Leave Glen Beck alone!!!

FNMA February 17, 2011 at 11:19 am

Did anyone else notice that that second clip is 4:20?
Glenn apparently thinks everybody should just get stoned.

Hey, hon, are there any Doritos left?

widestanceroman February 17, 2011 at 12:09 pm

I did, but was too paranoid to say anything about it.

harry_palmer February 17, 2011 at 11:19 am

I like the "Too Cozy w/ Gov't?" bullet points behind him (I won't click play). Can't wait for his exposes on Xe (or whatever the fuck Blackwater is trying to hide behind now), Raytheon, Electric Boat, etc.

horsedreamer_1 February 17, 2011 at 11:51 am

Why, hell, News Corporation, also.

metamarcisf February 17, 2011 at 11:21 am

I wanted more info so I googled it and I found: "If you need milk and there is a place to milk, it will tell you there is a store ahead that has a collection of horse racing posters, that a 19th century murder you've took place in the next block." Hey, I love my food insurance, but I'm not happy with the high deductible.

FNMA February 17, 2011 at 11:22 am

OK, I got around to watching the first clip. Sounds like Mr. Rogers got into the peyote again.

DoktorZoom February 17, 2011 at 11:30 am

Peyote, yes, but why do you hippies keep forgetting the clam dip?

chickensmack February 17, 2011 at 11:22 am

His new blackboards draw themselves!!

TanzbodenKoenig February 17, 2011 at 11:23 am

One of Google's execs is Egyptian, he naturally wants to help his home country earn freedom —- You can't explain that!

Negropolis February 18, 2011 at 12:58 am

People rise up, dictator goes down. You can't explain that.

V572625694 February 17, 2011 at 11:26 am

Glenn: here's a Free Market® tip for ya: if ya don't like teh Google, there are OTHER SEARCH ENGINES. All of them are free. Unlike, say, Goldline.

Oh, and Glenn: the reason you don't know what the National Geospatial Intelligence Agency is, you're an ignorant fuck. They've got a goddamn Web site. In any case, NGA (that was their second try at an acronym; the first had problems) knows who you are, where you live, etc.

CrankyLttlCamperette February 17, 2011 at 11:35 am

Clever bastards, hiding behind the National Gallery of Art! The Impressionists are coming for YOU!!1!

DoktorZoom February 17, 2011 at 11:56 am

Invest in gold now, before your Monet is worthless. We are facing a Cezanne of turmoil and revolution, when it will be impossible for working Americans to Gauguin an honest day's wages. You think I'm crazy? You think I have a screw Toulouse-Lautrec? You won't be laughing so much when we're all paying $7 a gallon for Degas. You won't have a pot to Pissaro.

And who do we find at the center of the conspiracy? No surprise: VAN GOGHNS.

By now, America, I think you should begin to see the Pointillism.

JadedDissonance February 18, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Upfisted for Epic Punnery & Satire. Vonnegut would be proud.

EatsBabyDingos February 17, 2011 at 11:40 am

Glenn, they are also called the National Worldgeospatial Agency (NWA). They have some recordings of directions on how to get away from Compton, Califonia.

JustPixelz February 17, 2011 at 11:56 am

Sarah Palin can see "Geospatial Intelligence Agency" from her house.

Barbara_i February 17, 2011 at 12:09 pm

It's the only Intelligence anywhere near her house.

LabRodent February 17, 2011 at 11:26 am

Its so clear to me now…..Thanks Glenn

MLite February 17, 2011 at 11:27 am

I think Glenn Beck has jumped the shark. Also, I think the roots of his rage at George Soros is that Soros started a REAL University http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Central_European_Uni...

MLite February 17, 2011 at 6:21 pm

True that. Or, as Beck would say, he worked to overthrow several legitimate governments in Eastern Europe, with the help of Bill Ayers and Bernadette Dorn.

baconzgood February 17, 2011 at 11:30 am

"we have to start thinking like google. We're through the looking glass people…Black is white….white is black"

-Jim Garrison-

OneDollarJuana February 17, 2011 at 11:31 am

Beck doesn't like the Google because it's too easy to use it to find out uncomfortable things, like facts.

DoktorZoom February 17, 2011 at 11:33 am

Glenn Beck talking about bizarre insertions? The jokes practically write themselves.

DoktorZoom February 17, 2011 at 11:36 am

And finally, he gets to Soros, and has to bite his tongue to keep from just plain shouting JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW

baconzgood February 17, 2011 at 11:42 am

Blood Libel.

SorosBot February 17, 2011 at 11:59 am

Just imagine getting Mel Gibson as a guest on Beck's show; that much concentrated antisemitism in one place could form a black hole.

WunkRocker February 17, 2011 at 12:17 pm

He wouldn't have Gibson. Too much competition.

PublicLuxury February 17, 2011 at 11:37 am

The man is seriously disturbed. He needs to hsopitalized and delcared incompetent so the 'left' can make decisions for him.

WhatTheHeck February 17, 2011 at 11:44 am

Before I can even type “Be…” as in “Beck” Google has taken me to “Beastly” and “Beastiality.”

The Google knows.

Rorgg February 17, 2011 at 11:46 am

Oh come now, of COURSE there's a profit motive behind this:

glennbecksearch.com

Beck to begin pushing his own search site in 3… 2…

mavenmaven February 17, 2011 at 11:51 am

Clearly Glenn Beck is looking to provoke a few pogroms and stirring up International Jew conspiracies, good for business with his core audience, by focusing on Jared Cohen, for really no other reason than his last name.
After all, bringing down Mubarak is not something the Israelis would really have plotted to do, but much like with Soros, even bringing down a communist regime is shady and dangerous when there is a "Jew" somehow linked to it.

PsycWench February 17, 2011 at 11:52 am

I am not clicking on these links. No one can make me. I am having a good day and will not screw around with it by listening to whats-his-name.

DerrickWildcat February 17, 2011 at 11:52 am

BUT WHAT IF HE'S RIGHT PEOPLE!!!
Even if he's only 10% right…and depending on what part of that 10% is right…there is a 50% chance that it could be enough to fundamentally change America as we know it!

iKento February 17, 2011 at 11:57 am

Maybe we _should_ start watching the news coverage of MTV.

HolyMaracas February 17, 2011 at 11:57 am

Nice hipster glasses, Glennda. Just make sure you stay away from skinny jeans, m'kay?

Barbara_i February 17, 2011 at 12:09 pm

Do these jeans make my ass look batshit crazy?

HolyMaracas February 17, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Whatever, I've owned "The Soros Consirancies" LP on vinyl waaay before any of those Pitchfork fucks…

Extemporanus February 17, 2011 at 12:03 pm

Look out abevigoda.com — Beck's comin' after you next!

DoktorZoom February 17, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Google and the NSA just want to Fish around in our email.

MistaEko February 17, 2011 at 12:09 pm

Beck's feeling lucky.

DoktorZoom February 17, 2011 at 12:15 pm

I know what you're thinking. Did he rattle off five non-sequiturs, or six? To tell you the truth, in all the insanity, I lost track myself…

dsgruntled February 17, 2011 at 12:14 pm

He isnt't comfortable with Google…but he is with those glasses and that hair cut………sheeesh!

DerrickWildcat February 17, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Don't bother using a Dictionary either. They're in on it too.

fuflans February 17, 2011 at 12:22 pm

remember when conspiracies were unravelled by robert redford or dustin hoffman or frank sinatra?

these people were easier to watch.

SmutBoffin February 17, 2011 at 12:30 pm

I can believe that Beck is a Google user. He just types in, say, "KARL MARX", "JUSTIN BIEBER", "GREEK YOGURT", and "CONSPIRACY". Then reads the first thing that comes up and writes it into his show.

BOOM! DONE! Then he flies out the back door of the studio, gets into his dress and blond wig, and tries to get sailors to buy him drinks.

PristineODummy February 17, 2011 at 2:13 pm

You HAD to tell about the wig and dress, didn't ya? Now you've gone and ruined it. And he looked SO fetching with his pink ruffled slip hitched up over his garters, framing that sweaty flabby pink hairy ass …

chascates February 17, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Beck is beginning to make Alex Jones seem pretty reasonable.

Groupshrug February 17, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Too bad he can't really lead a boycott of Google, most of his viewers are still using AOL.

spinozasgod February 17, 2011 at 12:53 pm

my mom, a big beck fan, can't even manage to use a cell phone much less the "inter-tubes", she has to phone in her order for GOLD and "the coming insurrection" survivor back packs!!!

PristineODummy February 17, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Can't you disown her, or something?

Tundra Grifter February 17, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Back in The Day, our Founding Fathers would get positive ink by starting a newspaper. If it was good enough for The Framers, shouldn't it be good enough for us?

Meanwhile, perhaps Glumm Bleek will look into the connections between ClusterFox and the two Administrations of George Bush 43…

OneYieldRegular February 17, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Oh god. This probably means there's a Conservagoogle in the works.

FNMA February 17, 2011 at 1:58 pm

How come all the search results lead to rent-boy and gay porn sites?

jmarsh04 February 17, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Do you remember, during the Bush years, when Verizon and AT&T and the entire communications industry was caught sharing our information with the Government, and some libtards whined about "invasion of privacy," or "unconstitutional," and then the right wingers yelled back, "if you're not doing anything wrong then you have nothing to worry about," and, "if they don't report it, then the terrorists win," remember that?

Why does Glenn Beck support the terrorists? I mean, seriously, how else are we going to catch terrorists, unless we spy on Americans? Wasn't this the message the White House was sending from 2002-2008? I think Glenn needs to reread the PATRIOT Act, which was clearly written by Obama and Rahm Emmanuel in 2009 and designed to give Dems the power to set up a police state with secret FEMA concentration camps.

Is there no one on the left, or center, that can combat this shit? No one in the media can step up and provide a counter-argument to the bullshit this guy says? Google can't release a statement setting the record straight?

Respitetini February 17, 2011 at 1:25 pm

OMG. I only watched the first video, because of firewalls and things. I'd be angrier about the ridiculous logical leaps, except that he's so sincere, the only thing I can do is hope he gets his medication regularly.

Wow…

bagofmice February 17, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Social Networks? What… Like buying MySpace?

imissopus February 17, 2011 at 1:44 pm

You know what would be awesome? If in retaliation, Google started blocking stories from every Murdoch-owned media property on its News page or from showing up in search results. Man, would that be beautiful. Plus Glenda would get so much more paranoid his head might finally explode.

Flat_Earther February 17, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Glenn Beck is bat shit fucking crazy.

Flat_Earther February 17, 2011 at 2:12 pm

How long until Glenn Beck completes his metamorphosis into Howard Beale? Who will Faux News have as the soothsayer?

BklynIlluminati February 17, 2011 at 7:01 pm

He wears glasses because it makes him look smarty and stuff

Negropolis February 18, 2011 at 12:59 am

Am I loser because I still use Yahoo search?

Lost_Teabaggers February 18, 2011 at 2:22 am

You just knew it, knew somewhere, somehow he was going to say "Van Jones" and the "TIDES foundation"….you just fucking knew it! Hahaha….You know what's the worst about a nutbar? When they become so completely fucking predictable….before I even watched that 2nd clip I said "Van Jones" and there he is! Beck…you're boring, it's not even worth making fun of you anymore. If you're going to do all the hard work to become a raving mormon wingnut then at least have a little variety, mix it up! Don't let all your delusions always end on the same street…even the voices in his head are getting bored with him about now.

Left_Leftie February 18, 2011 at 2:52 am

Beck asks: They used to call it propaganda. What do they call it now?
I answer: Fox fucking "news"

Seriously, is there a day on that channel where they don't project all of their evil crap onto their opponents?

Walkinwiddaking February 18, 2011 at 6:30 pm

The sad part is, this low life piece of crap still generates revenue for Fox, which, ain't a good sign.

real_dc_native February 17, 2011 at 7:29 pm

Right! When the Rapture comes I get my Christian neighbor's car!

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