Barack Obama Not Capable of Book-Writing, Sez ‘Literary Detective’

  wonkette world o' books

Incorporating Washington Post Book World.Barack Obama: you’re familiar with him (or are you?). Whatever else you might say about the man, it’s hard to deny that he’s smart and literate and can express his thoughts in non-horrible English. Or so you sheeple thought, until world-renowned author and self-proclaimed “literary detective” Jack Cashill came along to prove that Bill Ayers wrote Barry’s books and that, well, it’s not like black people can write proper books anyway. Cashill’s newest exposé, Deconstructing Obama: The Life, Loves, and Letters of America’s First Postmodern President, released this week, will forever prove that Obama was born to Indonesian chupacabras and is a literary Space Communist.

Jack Cashill first made the argument that Barack Obama is secretly Bill Ayers (at least in his books) in 2008. His evidence that hippy terrorist Ayers wrote Dreams From My Father (Barry’s supposed autobiography) hinged on a comparison of the two fellows’ styles. Par exemple:

“I picture the street coming alive, awakening from the fury of winter, stirred from the chilly spring night by cold glimmers of sunlight angling through the city.”

- Bill Ayers, Fugitive Days

“Night now fell in midafternoon, especially when the snowstorms rolled in, boundless prairie storms that set the sky close to the ground, the city lights reflected against the clouds.”

- Barack Obama, Dreams From My Father

They’re like the same, man! It’s like, they both reference weather. WEATHER. Whoa. Shit bro. Heavy.

In his new book, Cashill argues that Barack couldn’t possibly have written Dreams From My Father because Dreams From My Father is evocative and elegantly written, and it’s not possible that Barack Obama could write an evocative and elegant book, because, well, YOU KNOW WHY (blaques can’t write the bookz, due to blaqueness?).

But perhaps that’s unfair. Cashill claims that Obama didn’t show any signs of being a talented writer before Dreams was published…but then he wrote a readable autobiography and this proves, according to science, that Obama personally recruited Bill Ayers to be his ghostwriter, for Communist profit.

But Cashill doesn’t stop there. He’s hung up on all kinds of Obama intrigue. For instance:

1) Obama and Ayers use similar imagery, sort of, sometimes, in their respective autobiographies. This proves that Bill Ayers, “the Brett Favre of terrorism,” wrote Dreams From My Father.

2) ZOMG Barack Obama sux lol

3) The fact that Obama cites writers like Langston Hughes and Richard Wright as literary influences. To Cashill, this is an unforgivable horror, as Hughes and Wright were both “communists.” This is an especially important point, because great American poet Langston Hughes—like many artists and intellectuals in the first half of the 20th century—did indeed flirt with the Communism as a sort of clueless intellectual parlor game. What this means is that he literally ran a gulag, for pleasure. It seems not to occur to Jack Cashill that perhaps Obama enjoys Langston Hughes for his actual writing and not his occasional, fleeting political opinions. But perhaps we should evaluate every writer on this dumb ideological criteria. For instance: anyone who doesn’t support the Holy Roman Empire should never read Dante, and so on.

4) Obama’s greatest act of literary villainy was suppressing his birth certificate, which probably reads “BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA: BORN A LESBIAN FOR REAL.”

No, really. Cashill is convinced that lovely Michelle isn’t enough for Barry; he might crave BOTH sexes, because his father might be Frank Marshall Davis, a famed Commie newspaper editor from the 1930′s. Whut? Yes. All of this will be covered in next week’s installment of Wonkette World o’ Books, because Deconstructing Obama is so wonderfully bizarre it needs two blog posts to Fully Explicate. Until then, comrades…

Deconstructing Obama: The Life, Loves, and Letters of America’s First Postmodern President by Jack Cashill, Threshold Editions, 352 pages, $13.17

Thanks to Wonkette operative “Toni S.”

DO tune in for next week’s installment, in which we learn that Barack Obama is bisexual.

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147 comments

  1. PsycWench

    they both reference weather. which is why the joke's on you, Cashill…both of these men are actually Ernest Hemingway.

      1. Preferred Customer

        And here I am posting my own Jim Cantore crack without even reading yours.

        He clearly has a vast well of popularity. Cantore/Roker '12!

    1. OneDollarJuana

      "This morning I rose early and went to my house to put things in a little order against my going, which I conceive will be to-morrow (the weather still very rainy)." Diary of Samuel Pepys

      Ernest Hemingway was really Samuel Pepys! Who knew?

  2. SorosBot

    Wait, two people who lived in Chicago discussed cold weather? It must really be the same guy!

    "Science". Cashill keeps using that word. I do not think it means what he thinks it means.

    1. petehammer

      I once read books by writers working in Portland and Seattle that referenced rain! Did I say writerS? Because they are clearly just the SAME WRITER.

      1. DoktorZoom

        "The sky above the port was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel."–William Gibson, Neuromancer

        "Dawn lay on the chops of the city like a washcloth: still, damp, heavy, warm." — Tom Robbins, Even Cowgirls Get the Blues

        Sun comes up, drizzle comes down. You can't explain it.

  3. BerkeleyBear

    So what was Barry doing all that time he told Michelle he was "writing" until 2 am after he got out of Harvard? Or who?

    Gaaaah, the stupid burns with this one.

  4. DemonicRage

    This is so authentic and real. Where is the lamestream press when it comes to sniffing out the true facts, like pigs go after truffles?

  5. ManchuCandidate

    Deconstructing Jack Cashill aka Cash + Shill

    1) Mistakenly assumes that his audience will be shocked by his revelations
    2) Mistakenly assumes that Teabaggers will pony up their disability, SS and welfare checks to buy his book
    3) Fails to note that the original manuscript was done with a combination of pencil crayons, crayons, spit, feces (his own and mysterious animals) and sperm
    4) Still going insane at the thought of a black man as preznit
    5) Feels guilty about masturbating to bestiality videos

    Just saying, not saying.

    1. Ducksworthy

      OT (except maybe the topic here is masturbation). Is it true the W is still jacking off the the waterboarding videos? Or did they destroy the ones that were all sticky?

  6. freakishlywrong

    I call bullshit. Everyone knows Obamar can write because he's light skinned and has no negro dialect.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      I play it cool
      And dig all jive.
      And that's the reason I stay alive.

      My motto
      As I live and learn
      Is dig and be dug, in return.

  7. problemwithcaring

    Why doesn't Jack Cashill just call up Bill Ayers and ask him for some "writing tips." All of this elaborate flattery is growing tired.

  8. chickensmack

    Here, let me "deconstruct" Obama for you.

    He is likely a closet atheist, but because no Christian should ever fear any kind of judgment for admitting their Christianity from Christians — ever — he should get away with this little white lie. As long as he still carries out the responsibility of Presidential leadership, I really don't care. Especially if he can still wear a Christian label and be rationalist atheists, like the Methodists do.

    Also, HAHAHAHAHHA WE ELECTED AN ATHEIST PREZNIT, CHRISTIAN AMURKA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  9. mavenmaven

    Deconstruction is such a key word here. What Derrida might have found in this book is a reflection of the way old school crass klan type racism attempts to cover itself up in the language of journalism and scholarship but instead reveals the utter depravity of its readership.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        And the the buttsecks.

        Really, somebody who knows more about the subject than I should make a clever Derrida/buttsecks joke. There's a big opportunity to advancing your almighty p-points.

        Anybody?

        1. DoktorZoom

          Better put some Bakhtin on that:

          "The ass is one of the most ancient and lasting symbols of the material bodily lower stratum, which at the same time degrades and regenerates."

          Also, Yipee-ki-yay, Mother-Foucault!

  10. doxastic

    While there are tons of reasons to find Cashill awful, I have some extra snobby complaints:
    1) "Deconstructing" involves a bit more method than "this thing looks like that thing"
    2) Postmodern presidency? Jesus Christ, the 80's-90's called, they want their intellectual trends back. Derrida's ghost just put himself under erasure with embarrassment.

    1. GOPCrusher

      What? Wait? So "Dreams From My Father" isn't the Clint Eastwood companion movie to "Sands Of Iwo Jima"?

  11. jodyleek

    Wait, so this FM Davis guy was born in Kansas or something, so wouldn't that make Barry O. a citizen for sure, if that's what this genius is getting at?

  12. metamarcisf

    Nowhere in this so-called article is it mentioned that Jack Cashill earns automatic credibility by being a columnist for the world's foremost independent news organization, World Net Daily. Why is Wonkette lying to us?

  13. refudiatedness

    Cashill is close but it is much bigger than this. Obama is actually a robot. IBM, ACORN, The Tides Foundation, George Soros, and George Takei have been collaborating for decades on this project. I know–I used to work at IBM as a software engineer. My location has been compromised….TELL GLEN BECK!

    1. SorosBot

      The Presidency, Jeopardy – the robots really are taking over; I also heard the now-former Governor of California was also a robot sent from the future.

    2. petehammer

      "If your name is Kevin, here's a little freebie for your cellphone. Hi, Kevin can't come to the phone. He's on a spaceship with me, George Takei. Please leave a message. You're welcome, Kevins."

  14. Mumbletypeg

    Plenty of people are naturals at writing without any *outward* evidence of nor instructional concentration in it preceding a first-time publication. Witness mechanical engineer/ WWII-POW who'd dabbled in PR, volunteer firefighting and marginal 3rd-tier journalism before reaching publication, Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
    And Vonnegut never edited no Harvard Law Review, neither.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Or that young brash ginger from Virginia with all those crazy ideas about the inalienable rights of man. What was his name, again, and why didn't he attend the University of Iowa intense writing collective?

      1. DoktorZoom

        Held: A defendant is subject to the highest mandatory minimum specified for his conduct in §924(c), unless another provision of law directed to conduct proscribed by §924(c) imposes an even greater mandatory minimum. So it goes.

  15. EatsBabyDingos

    Black Orpheus meet Blocked Orrifice.

    [Insert grunt noise here] Ploop, out came another bargain bin Cash-hole.

  16. prommie

    Where was this guy when W's fantasy-memoir was published? And can we get him on who is the real author of Clarence Thomas' decisions? Cause that motherfucker is stone cold illiterate.

    1. JoshuaNorton

      Sheeyit! We all know who writes most of Clarence Thomas' "decisions". He just scribbles "Me too – C.T." at the bottom of anything Scalia puts in front of him.

      1. SorosBot

        Now he doesn't always do what Scalia says; on those few rare occasions when Scalia has actually done the right thing (like the 8-1 habeus corpus upholding Hamdi v Rumsfeld), Thomas hasn't gone along with him.

  17. user-of-owls

    Literary Detective: speculates wildly about authorship of written works.

    Literary Coroner: conducts autopsy on laughable bit of slavering fantasy.

    I'd include Literary Vivisectionist, but this piece of dung is DOA.

  18. cheaphits

    The Logic of Science:

    Premise A: Obama has never written a book.

    Premise B: No one ever writes a first book.

    Conclusion – Obama did not write this book.

    Isn't science wonderful.

  19. Schmegeg

    Jack, don't pencil in the appointment for the Presidential Medal of Literature. Or Nobel. I did not write this comment

    B Obama
    Nairobi

    1. nonbeliever7

      Big fists for the Elvis reference. My dearest Wonkette is a major component of my life philosophy; " I used to be disgusted, now I try to be amused"

    1. doloras

      Trufax: Karl Marx was fired from the only job he had after he fled Germany, as a railway clerk, due to his atrocious handwriting.

  20. Come here a minute

    It's much more than weather, these are compound sentences about weather. And if you diagrammed the sentences, well, I don't know how to do that with all the subordinate clauses and whatever, but they might look sort of similar, so there's that too, also!

  21. SayItWithWookies

    There are so many theories about who wrote Barack Obama's literary output, but I'm going with the dark horse, Edward DeVere. Sir Francis Bacon's writing style was clearly too formal and not fluid, whereas Sir Walter Raleigh had the misfortune of either being in the Caribbean or in the process of being beheaded at critical times when he had to have been writing. Of course, many scholars have attempted to find clues in various codes of Obama's writing, to no avail — in fact, they've all gone quite mad.

    1. petehammer

      Considering every chapter ends with a Bugs Meany reference, I think Donald Sobol is the ghost writer. But, I've said too much.

  22. Asa_Hawks

    The fact that this man will make more money off this one book than I see in a year is a sin that I will never forgive reality for.

    1. LetUsBray

      It's your integrity and sense of shame that's holding you back: You could write hate-Obama books with your own poo and get your own slice of that Wingnut Welfare if you really wanted.

  23. Lascauxcaveman

    Oh you like exposès? This one will blow your mind: John Lennon = Roy Orbison.

    Don't believe me? I have solid Literary Proof. Deconstruct this:

    "Ooby Dooby, ooby doo-wha doo-wha."
    - Ooby Dooby, Roy Orbison

    "Goo goo ga joob."
    - I Am the Walrus, John Lennon

  24. HolyMaracas

    So if a "regular" Detective is a failed cop, a "Literary" Detective is basically a failed writer, right?

  25. qwerty42

    Ya know, screw it. It is obvious the big bux are found in writing stupid books that will be read by even more stupid people. So where do I sign on? Barry is obviously an alien life form. A commie nazi mooslim life form. And I have papers to prove it … and ..
    nah, I'm not up to teh stoopid that is necessary for this … back to the hobo beans.

    1. PsycWench

      Here's a thought…if we all contributed a few paragraphs to the most inane book premise ever, Wonkette could publish it, pocket the revenue and presto, no more ads!
      "It was a dark and stormy night…"

      1. ShaveTheWhales

        …there was a sudden flare of the Northern Lights due to a premature coronal mass ejection….

  26. CapnFatback

    See, it's moments like this when I really begin to question my ontology. If I were to try to get something like "Ayers wrote Obama's autobiography" published, I would have to put up with pesky "peer review," attend to logical principles, actually know a damn thing about linguistics, and offer substantial supporting evidence.

    Being a wing nut might not be good for the soul, but apparently it's a marvel for the CV.

    1. genxr

      I'm just sorry I didn't think of it first. To think I could write a few hundred pages of insane conspiracy fantasy and never have to work again.

      It would be hard to top this, though. I guess I just don't have the creative mindset for it.

  27. Fare la Volpe

    Since I'm 100% sure my review won't be published, I just wanted you to know I gave this book the other day to a dear, sweet old neighbor lady of mine and had her review it on Amazon in my stead. Here's what she submitted, the dear thing.

    "How do you work this computer machine? Dagnabbit, so confunding. Marni! Marni, is this the place where I badmouth the darkie pres'dint? Marni! MARNI! THIS THE BOOK WHERE THAT COLORED FELLER IS A HOMOSEZUAL TERRIST? Thank you, Marni. She's such a good girl: takes after her grandfather, God rest his soul. We were together 53 years last April when he passed. Poor stupid thing, bless his heart. To his dyin' day he insisted that books needed those there "citations" and "evidence" in order to make their arguments, rather than just stuff that you KNOW is right because it is. Can you believe that? Using smart thinkin' to write a book? What's the world come to? I declare, use'ta be a gal could call a colored feller "nigger" and nobody pay 'er mind. Now the PC police come a banging on my son's door ever'time I tell that Mexican-lookin' nigglet down at the Piggly Wiggly how my daddy used to hang his kind if he'da looked at me funny. Oh, glorious days, those. In those days a gal di'nt need to think if'n she don't want to, which is why I'm just peaches and cornbread in love with this here book. So chock full'a nothin' worth thinkin' 'bout, no siree. This feller knows what's what and what's is, and don't need no facts nor figurins tellin' him what for. This is AMERICA. I don't need to think I don't wanna, and I sure as shoot don't wanna, pardon my language. If you're hankerin' for a read the whole family don't need no education nor brains for lookin' at, buy this book.

    One star means good, right Marni? MARNI!"

  28. Troubledog

    You know who else was good at writing dream sequences and literature but had a secret political agenda? Ezra Pound, that's who.

  29. i_like_tigers

    I draw little clowns on my manuscripts, for safety. TAKE 'EM OBAMA, I DARE YOU. Anyways, how do we know that this "Desconstructing Obama" book wasn't written by….. Bill Ayers?

  30. proudgrampa

    Jesus Christ. Who the hell is this Cashill? The weather example was a real stretch. Kinda like criticizing apples because they aren't oranges.

  31. Fare la Volpe

    Oh damn. I once read Oscar Wilde. I guess that means I suck off rentboys behind the workhouses. Another case solved by Literary Detectivity!

  32. jmarsh04

    I am pretty confident in both Adolf Hitler's Mein Kampf and George W. Bush's Decision Points, both Bush and Hitler repeatedly used the words "the," "and," "this," and "I."

    I think the analysis speaks for itself.

  33. Troubledog

    I had the master plan
    I'm in the caravan on my way to Maryland
    With my man Two-Tecs to take over this projects
    They call him Two-Tecs, he tote two tecs
    And when he start to bust he like to ask, "Who's next?"

  34. whiterabid

    Jack Cashill can't be a real literary detective. First of all, there isn't a single femme fatale mentioned, nor is he given a micky or hit over the head witrh a lead pipe. If a midget would cut his nose with a switchblade I might grant him some credibility, but until then, I wouldn't answer his yellow pages ad on a dare.

  35. JustPixelz

    Hey, this is a fun game. GW Bush wrote "Decision Points". Based on the literary style in the title, he is obviously evoking Lenin's "What Is To Be Done". And "Points" is a clear reference to cocaine.

    The title of Ronald Reagan's memoir "Ronald Reagan" shows the influence of both Ronald McDonald and Regan, the possessed girl in "The Exorcist". That is, of course, subliminal pedophilia — desire for an evil girl cannot be a sin.

  36. GOPCrusher

    Mike Royko used to throw little tidbits into his editorials about Chicago Weather. IT'S A VAST CONSPIRACY!

  37. Ducksworthy

    It is a well known fact that Sara Palin's book(s) are (were) written by the hookworms who take over her brain at night.

  38. ttommyunger

    Plus, this Obamer guy, being a Negro and all, prolly has a HUGE penis, much bigger than mine or any I've ever even seen. Plus, it prolly still gets all hard and such, like mine use to do. Plus, he prolly still gets pussy and all; and gets in in the Lincoln Bedroom and no tellin' where else in the White House, and all. Plus, he's using the Presidential Bathrooms, and getting black little Clarence Thomas pubic hairs all over the crapper and whatnot. Plus, OH GOD! WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME? Tell me this is a nightmare and I'll wake up soon and some cracker-ass moron white man will be my President again.

  39. Worthly Wokette Skum

    I think I'll hold out on reading Cashill's book until Richard Scarry comes up with an illustrated version.

  40. DoktorZoom

    From the title, Cashill signals his reader that this is going to be the first deconstructionist and postmodern conspiracy theory book; an attempt to make that genre's Watchmen.

    Oh, boy. I hope he keeps the giant squid. That was a real disappointment in the movie.

  41. DoktorZoom

    An angst-ridden amorist, Fred,
    saw sartorial changes ahead.
    His mind kept on ringing
    with fishy girls singing.
    Soft fruit also filled him with dread.

  42. Chet Kincaid

    Coupla things – this guy's shit is old news, all of those bizarre theories were online and exposed for their deranged stupidity by the Intelligent Media back in 2008. In this instance, some insane wingnut found a picture of a nekkid woman who vaguely resembles Obama's Mom, and this somehow proves that either this Frank Marshall Davis or Malcolm X are Barry's real Dad.

    Second, this delegitimization of someone through the incredulity of imagining they are capable of producing intellectual product is an old tactic. I remember finding a book in church in the late 60s or early 70s that claimed the Beatles were communist tools programmed to destroy decent white Christian culture, because there was no way that four working class punks from Liverpool could write music as sophisticated as that.

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