HE IS A DISNEY PRINCESS!  6:48 pm February 16, 2011

AFA’s Bryan Fischer: ‘Pocahontas Shows What Could Have Been’

by Jack Stuef

Oh, you thought John Smith was attracted to her morals?Woah woah woah, you guys thought Bryan Fischer hates Native Americans? Why would you ever think that? Would it be from all the columns he’s written about how they’re disgusting drunken savages with no morals who don’t deserve to live in this country? You’re an idiot. You know why? Bryan Fischer likes one (1) whole Indian: Pocahontas. Pocahontas, who was kidnapped by the English and converted to Christianity, is great because she got about as white as a brown person could get. So white she even took on a white name! “Rebecca, the former Pocahontas, showed us what could have been.” Yeah, if the settlers of America had simply kidnapped the Indians and forced them to convert and assimilate, they wouldn’t have had to murder almost all of them! Oh wait, no, the white people never did anything wrong, remember. Murdering was fine. It was the Indians’ fault.

She subsequently was captured by English settlers, who intended to exchange her for English prisoners who had been taken into captivity by the Algonquins, or Powhatans, who also helped themselves to various weapons and tools. The Powhatans, along with many of the indigenous peoples, seemed to have little respect for private property, including boundaries, and little regard for obedience to the eighth commandment and its prohibition against stealing. (On the Oregon Trail, the primary problems travelers suffered from the indigenous peoples were not massacres but thievery.)

Those fucking socialists! Yeah, it’s okay that the English kidnapped this young girl, because they were white and Christian and adhered to the God’s most supreme moral law, “But the Brown People Did It First!”

After her baptism and wedding, Rebecca traveled to England with her new husband, where she was honored and feted as a princess, the daughter of a king in the New World. She met King James, the King James of Bible fame, while there.

Woah, the Bible one? CELEB SIGHTING!

In other words, she both converted and assimilated. She became both a Christian and an American (technically, of course, an Englishman). She melded into European and Christian civilization and made her identity as a Christian and an Englishman her primary identity. She was the first manifestation of what became our national slogan, “E Pluribus Unum,” “Out of many, one.”

An EnglishMAN? Uh oh, Brian, sounds like you’re praising a tranny here!

Yeah that national “slogan” is pretty good (BESIDES “IN GOD WE TRUST!” SORRY, GOD!), but it makes it sound like we should have learned a thing or two from the Native Americans, which is evil, because everything they did was wrong and everything the white people did was right. Obviously a better national slogan is “E Stockholm-Syndromed Tranny Unum.” [AFA]

 
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{ 225 comments }

Troubledog February 16, 2011 at 6:52 pm

None of this matters because Justin Bieber said we are all evil.

ifthethunderdontgetya February 16, 2011 at 6:54 pm

She was the first manifestation of what became our national slogan, “E Pluribus Unum,” “Out of many, one.”

Out of many we massacred, here's one pretty one we sexed up and married, instead. For Disney and free markets, people!
~

Naked_Bunny February 16, 2011 at 9:12 pm

I suspect that Disney's Pocahontas drives Fischer nuts, but not for the same reason it drives most people nuts.

OneDollarJuana February 17, 2011 at 10:32 am

I'm guessing that Mr. Fischer, being anti-choice, also believes in "out of one, many".

petehammer February 16, 2011 at 6:54 pm

I do enjoy the concept that "private property" is some inherent and cherished right, that we're all aware of since birth, and Indians are savages for not respecting it. Perhaps they didn't have a concept of private property since (huge generalization) they believed that you couldn't "own" many aspects of daily life. How can you own a river or a mountain? Instead of having an interesting philosophical debate between the two views of "property", Lord Douchington Fischer decides that private property was just a settled fact in the New World.

Maybe it isn't that the Indians had no respect for private property but that ole Whitey had no respect for the Indians' concept of ownership.

AngryBlakGuy February 16, 2011 at 7:10 pm

…my neighbor has my lawn mower and shears and hasn't returned them, does this mean I can kidnap his 19yr daughter?! Please say yes!!!

petehammer February 16, 2011 at 7:18 pm

Why haven't you already… hmmm? Is it because you believe in Sharia law?

imissopus February 16, 2011 at 8:04 pm

Also that they had little regard for "obedience to the eighth commandment." Dirty savages. And don't tell me "They had never encountered Christians and had no idea what the ten commandments even are." Excuses are like assholes, everyone has one. Even the heathen natives.

mumbly_joe February 16, 2011 at 9:44 pm

FUN FACT: If you're Catholic or Lutheran, the eigth commandment is actually the one about not bearing false witness, and seven is the one about not stealing. Also, and perhaps more ironically, given the context, if you're Jewish, the eighth commandment might actually an overt prohibition against kidnapping, rather than the run-of-the-mill stealing prohibited in Leviticus. (source)

But, whatever, Bryan Fischer is pretty sure that all those people are heathens, too, I'm sure, and deserve to burn in Hell. Or genocided and kidnap-raped. Either way.

Ducksworthy February 17, 2011 at 9:37 am

I know I'm very late to the discussion here so forgive me if this has been raised before. Is staling people and selling them into slavery in any way connected to the 8th amendment or does that fall the under spoils of war exclusion?

ChessieNefercat February 17, 2011 at 9:57 am

Depends. Are you white?

OneDollarJuana February 17, 2011 at 10:35 am

Nope, that's capitalism, and blessed by the Lord Our God Jeebus.

BerkeleyBear February 16, 2011 at 9:58 pm

While many native tribes didn't recognize private ownership of real property (rather than collective holding/traditional grounds) most did recognize personal property (horses, trade goods, weapons, etc.) Fischer's bs about the Oregon Trail,though, ignores the fact that by their own standards the white assholes were trespassing in the first place and if they were too lazy to protect their shit, natives viewed it as completely acceptable to relieve them of of the excess.

kissawookiee February 17, 2011 at 11:22 am

Bryan is just bitter about that one time he forgot to buy enough beans at the mercantile before setting off, and then when his wagon bogged down crossing the Missouri under the weight of all those guns and Bibles, the injuns came and stole them all. And then his party died of starvation on Day Four, and all the other kids laughed at him.

_MISS_T_ February 16, 2011 at 11:36 pm

The Australian aboriginals had exactly that – at least the tribe in the Sydney area – absolutely no concept of property ownership. They had to be taught principles of barter and trade which of course destroyed their society. Kind of utopian before that happened. Captain Cook wrote of how happy they were in that culture of no ownership, no permanent shelters and that 'all they seemed to want was for us to be gone'.

AngryBlakGuy February 16, 2011 at 6:54 pm

…whiter than Michael Steele? I think not!

emmelemm February 16, 2011 at 6:55 pm

"On the Oregon Trail, the primary problems travelers suffered from the indigenous peoples were not massacres but thievery."

Dysentery?

Dr_pangloss February 16, 2011 at 7:16 pm

Many settlers had lots of prolems by the time they reached the NW, since they picked up that raging case of syphilis somewhere in the Ohio valley.

JulianaNorwich February 16, 2011 at 7:43 pm

I thought it was oxen dying while trying to ford the river.

TanzbodenKoenig February 16, 2011 at 7:54 pm

I always got snakebit while fixing my axle that broke every 30 secs

MissTaken February 17, 2011 at 12:25 pm

That's why you always choose to be the Banker. Can buy the most expensive wagon and hire cheap ass Injins to fix it for you so you can ford down the river snug as a bug in a rug.

Naked_Bunny February 16, 2011 at 9:16 pm

Winter?

Beanball February 16, 2011 at 11:25 pm

Flat feet.

The emigrants walked the Oregon Trail as Conestoga wagons did not have passenger seats. On a personal note: My great-grandmother walked the last several months of the Trail pregnant with my grandmother, who was born in Washington state shortly after arrival.

genxr February 17, 2011 at 12:00 am

Or the fact that they spent most of their money on guns which they used to accidentally shoot themselves.

PhilippePetain February 17, 2011 at 2:00 pm

in 1853, thievery replaced broken axles as the leading cause of consternation en route to the Oregon Country.

genxr February 16, 2011 at 6:55 pm

Wow, they let her become an American? What an honor!

As for the rest of them, they'll never be Americans. They acted like they never even HEARD of the 8th Commandment.

zhubajie February 17, 2011 at 5:56 am

I doubt he'd much like the real Scotch Jimmy, what with him being gay and all.

V572625694 February 17, 2011 at 9:22 am

Well, technically an Englishman. Like King James, who was also technically an Englishman, but because he wrote the Bible actually an American. You could look it up.

donner_froh February 16, 2011 at 6:55 pm

And in other Bryan Fischer news, Uncle Remus showed us what African-Americans could have been. Charlie Chan was the perfect example for Chinese-Americans and Shylock did the job for Jewish-Americans.

BeWoot February 16, 2011 at 7:14 pm

Sometimes I feel like the house crank …

Uncle Remus was in no way portrayed as in any way a "lesser" character by Joel Chandler Harris–who, in putting into writing the Uncle Remus stories, did us all an enormous favor by recording the moral-rich folklore shared among Black culture in the Old South. Uncle Remus was the wise old man who narrated the fables and pointed up the moral of each story. (Aesop was probably not the original author of his fables, either, but I'm damned glad he passed them along.)

This sermonette aside, donnor_froh, you and I share a very low opinion of Fischer the douchenozzle

SexySmurf February 16, 2011 at 7:34 pm

You're Wonkette's official nerd in a red shirt.

SorosBot February 16, 2011 at 10:57 pm

Wait, are you saying BeWoot is a generic Wonkette crewman who will be killed by the monster of the week before the regular and recurring Wonketters figure out how to defeat it?

HistoriCat February 17, 2011 at 9:03 am

Don't go behind that rock Ensign BeWoot – don't do it!

ChessieNefercat February 17, 2011 at 10:16 am

No, because BeWoot has a name! He will survive! Isn't soon-to-die Crewman Redshirt usually nameless?

Chet Kincaid February 16, 2011 at 7:36 pm

How about that old-ass guy who was always tap-dancing with Shirley Temple, then?

DoktorZoom February 16, 2011 at 7:38 pm

Once again, we can blame Disney for fucking the story and the character up completely.

MaxUdargo February 16, 2011 at 8:29 pm

Of course Uncle Remus wasn't a "lesser" character! He was a very nice black man. And very happy. Lazy bastard – he never did any work – but good at telling stories to little white boys. Everything I know about slavery I learned from Song of the South: Happy black people kicking back and telling stories. And everybody loved everybody and nobody was "lesser" and the nice white people didn't mind all those lazy black people crashing on the sofa and drinking all the beer from the fridge. Not as long as they was entertaining the kids.

Ducksworthy February 17, 2011 at 9:42 am

Jest sing about Jeebus and drink wine all day. Its great to be an Umerrikun.

keepem_sikanpor February 16, 2011 at 9:29 pm

Uncle Remus=Birds and butterflies. Happy days.

Beanball February 16, 2011 at 11:17 pm

Zipadee doo dah, all the live long day.

Weenus299 February 17, 2011 at 11:46 am

Cartoons, even. Fuckin hallucination days, that's what they were.

tcaalaw February 17, 2011 at 10:23 am

Seriously, what's wrong with Charlie Chan as a role model? He was very smart (clearly smarter than all the white detectives around him), successful (he was hired to solve mysteries all over the planet), and a good father. The only thing that was racist about the character was having him be played by white actors in "yellow face".

teebob2000 February 17, 2011 at 12:35 pm

They're called "CHINAMEN" got it?? Anybody with them fucked-up eyes is a Chinaman. Either do it right or don't do it at all.

Fred_Wertham_Jr February 16, 2011 at 6:55 pm

And then she died.

exmartinette February 16, 2011 at 6:56 pm

And Pocahontas died when she was 22 years old. Things worked out just great!

LionelHutzEsq February 16, 2011 at 7:14 pm

If only all Indians would die at 22, they would not be the problem they are today.

exmartinette February 16, 2011 at 7:26 pm

Sadly, in South Dakota, many don't make it that far.

Amaravilha February 16, 2011 at 9:00 pm

It's okay. She and others who died of smallpox are honored today by the whitest, whitest music ever made.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yo4glASbEh4

Dudleydidwrong February 16, 2011 at 9:43 pm

I hope that Bryan Fischer gets kidnapped by eight-limbed rapists from planet Zarg and taken there to be made a pet of the ruler's little kids. We can hold him up as the perfect example…

Blendergoathead February 16, 2011 at 6:58 pm

Beiber? On Wonkette? What the fuck?

BarryOPotter February 17, 2011 at 8:15 am

Not "what the fuck," but "Win The Future" with anti-evil Beiber Fever – WTF w/moar BF!

WhatTheHolyHeck February 17, 2011 at 12:51 pm

It's more likely than you think.

mavenmaven February 16, 2011 at 6:59 pm

"What, me a racist? Why, some of my best friends are Injuns! In fact, I'll write a column praising one injun squaw and that will allow me to hate on everyone else again!"

gef05 February 16, 2011 at 7:15 pm

Sorry – but this guy shits me.

He didn't praise one injun squaw. He diluted the woman into some sort of white-toy, celebrating the destruction of both her cultural identity and her self-hood.

/I know you know, maven. I just don't like this twit.

HistoriCat February 17, 2011 at 9:06 am

Today we are all disgusted by Bryan Fischer.

OK, that's pretty much every day.

Beowoof February 16, 2011 at 6:59 pm

Ah how soon teatards forget that with out Squanto, the first Pilgrims wouldn't have survived the New England winter. Of course that would require some knowledge of history, which I am ashamed as an American to say they don't have any knowledge of history or anything else.

Crank_Tango February 16, 2011 at 7:27 pm

Yeah but who cares about New England, because that is not real merka anyway.

mourningnmerica February 16, 2011 at 9:27 pm

Squanto is without a doubt, the coolest name ever. I'm naming my next kid Squanto.

kissawookiee February 17, 2011 at 11:25 am

And then they survived a little bit longer by, you know, stealing the Indians' stored seed corn. Can't violate someone else in an 8th Commandment way when they've never heard of the 8th Commandment, I guess, and, in fact, that's better than their heathen asses deserved.

Beowoof February 16, 2011 at 7:00 pm

And that Pokahotass video sounds interesting will you be posting clips for our fapping delight Jack.

emmelemm February 16, 2011 at 7:03 pm

And are her boobies deliberately pixelated in the photo above? Because it kind of looks like it.

Angry_Marmot February 16, 2011 at 8:51 pm

Wait, did anyone figure out whether Fischer is crushing on the dead 22 year old, or the 12 year old John Smith described, or the Disney/Penthouse Pocahontas cartoon, or um, Pokahotass? Because, ew, but at least two of those qualify him for high office.

Bonzos_Bed_Time February 16, 2011 at 7:02 pm

What I've always wanted to know is how could Marlon Brando ever get mixed up in this?!?!?

donner_froh February 16, 2011 at 7:03 pm

King James of Bible fame was also King James of cocksucking and buggery fame:

While riding through the bustling streets of London from 1603 to 1621, one was liable to hear the shout "Long live Queen James!" King James I of England and VI of Scotland was so open about his homosexual love affairs that an epigram had been circulated which roused much mirth and nodding of the heads: Rex fuit Elizabeth: nunc est regina Jacobus—"Elizabeth was King: now James is Queen."

Chet Kincaid February 16, 2011 at 7:38 pm

Source?

Fare la Volpe February 16, 2011 at 8:00 pm
donner_froh February 16, 2011 at 11:03 pm

Got it. It was the first or second item on a google search of (I think) "James i England sex scandal"

I don't know if James Stuart was that much into guys but he definitely couldn't keep it in his pants generally–but since he was king he didn't have to.

HistoriCat February 17, 2011 at 9:07 am

"but since he was king he didn't have to."

It's good to be the king.

twoeightnine February 16, 2011 at 8:41 pm

The Bible. Duh.

zhubajie February 17, 2011 at 5:58 am

The Spanish ambassador sent home one of his regular messages saying "The king is going to Newcastle this week; it's like Tiberias going to Capri."

OC_Surf_Serf February 16, 2011 at 7:04 pm

The ultimate ringtard Joey 'Morms' Smith wrote that folks like Pocahontas were Israelites…

Why does Bryan Fischer hate the Joos?

PublicLuxury February 16, 2011 at 8:23 pm

Smith was a pedophile, and batshit crazy.

Oblios_Cap February 17, 2011 at 8:08 am

One might be forgiven for thinking that Fischer would hate Pocahontas for being a woman.

But he probably hates the Joos, too. Then again, he can bask in the warm fuzzies knowing that Jebus is going to slaughter the lot of them upon his return.

BarryOPotter February 17, 2011 at 8:25 am

The only problem with their certainty about future events is the assumption about to whom "the lot" refers when the smiting-time is nigh…

AngryBlakGuy February 16, 2011 at 7:05 pm

…in history, why is the word "discover" and "steal" so interchangeable? If I ever decide to steal a car or rob a house(I am blakk, its just a matter of time) I think I know what my defense will be!

SexySmurf February 16, 2011 at 7:36 pm

Discover is what white people do. Steal is what black people do. Did you learn nothing from Katrina?

AngryBlakGuy February 16, 2011 at 7:44 pm

…well my family is Nigerian and we remember how grateful we were when the British "discovered" us.

twoeightnine February 16, 2011 at 8:44 pm

You're still a king though, right? I could really use that money.

AngryBlakGuy February 16, 2011 at 8:55 pm

…dear honored sir

I am Chief Angry of the Blak Guy tribe and I am contacting you in reference to a business proposal…

MinAgain February 16, 2011 at 7:06 pm

Boy, someone in my elementary school totally misrepresented the Trail of Tears. According to Mr. Fischer, since the Cherokee did every damn thing in their power to assimilate, those tears must have been tears of joy over the tribe's unqualified acceptance by white people.

nounverb911 February 16, 2011 at 7:07 pm

"English prisoners who had been taken into captivity by the Algonquins,"
Who quietly sat them around a round table and founded "The New Yorker".

Zvi_Bleindmeis February 16, 2011 at 8:04 pm

You can't teach an old dogma new tricks.
-Dorothy Parker

mourningnmerica February 16, 2011 at 9:31 pm

"It's silent, like the T in Harlow'"

One_who_wanders February 16, 2011 at 9:48 pm

What fresh hell is this?

genxr February 17, 2011 at 12:05 am

Buckety-buckety and off we go!

Radiotherapy February 16, 2011 at 7:09 pm

And kids, don't forget about Sacagawea, that was another one. Look, she kinda helped Lewis and Clark get across the savage, pre-christian lands and back again. And now we honor her heritage with a dollar coin. E Pluribus Uni. Out of one, money.

LetUsBray February 16, 2011 at 10:00 pm

And you can take that coin to the bank and exchange it for a real dollar!

Radiotherapy February 17, 2011 at 12:21 am

♬♫ You don't remember, you don't remember
Famous, famous, explorer's? ♫♬

DoktorZoom February 17, 2011 at 1:56 am

And Sacagawea did all that with a baby along for the trip, too. She was twice the man Fischer will ever be.

Negropolis February 17, 2011 at 3:09 am

A dollar coin that doesn't age very well, in fact. I've never seen a new coin deteriorate so quickly.

MissTaken February 17, 2011 at 12:30 pm

Even the 9/11 Commemorative coins? I thought those deteriorated from $29.95 to less than a nickel overnight.

Negropolis February 18, 2011 at 12:23 am

I hardly consider those money. Chocolate coins have more buying power than those falsies.

CZL February 16, 2011 at 7:11 pm

I thought the prevailing historical wisdom on Pocahontas was that while no one was saying she was a gold digger, no one saw her lusting after some poor dude in a loincloth shooting at stuff with a bow and arrow.

ttommyunger February 16, 2011 at 7:13 pm

Please, enough Bryan Fischer; I just threw up a cheeseburger I ate in l955.

PublicLuxury February 16, 2011 at 8:22 pm

Bryan Fischer has tiny little penis. He's a bug fucker that has to pick on dead people that were raped, exterminated and ill-treated.

ttommyunger February 16, 2011 at 8:36 pm

Well said!

PublicLuxury February 16, 2011 at 9:03 pm

Thank you, Tommy.

ttommyunger February 16, 2011 at 9:31 pm

Always a pleasure.

Barrelhse February 16, 2011 at 11:06 pm

Fischer is an embarrassment to human intelligence. If I had a time-machine I'd stuff his ass in it and dial up "Little Big Horn, June,1876. Gen.Custer's unit".

Beanball February 16, 2011 at 11:14 pm

"There aren't enough Indians in the world to defeat the 7th Cavalry." ~ Gen. Geo. Custer

mourningnmerica February 16, 2011 at 9:32 pm

ELL 955 was a LONG fuckin' time ago…

ttommyunger February 17, 2011 at 11:02 am

Funny, seems like yesterday to me; I was 14.

Barrelhse February 16, 2011 at 10:58 pm

Did your cheeseburger resemble the one that an artist has kept on her shelf for years, apparently immutable?

ttommyunger February 17, 2011 at 11:11 am

It was barely recognizable, hard to say. I do recall they sold for 15 cents at the time, though. Does that help?

Radiotherapy February 18, 2011 at 2:04 am

You sure it wasn't an anusburger, or an US burger?
55 years ago

ttommyunger February 18, 2011 at 9:13 am

I remember at that time it cost me 15 Cents, so it probably was not “USDA Choice”; in fact, I think I found a tooth in it.

Radiotherapy February 16, 2011 at 7:15 pm

Getting a history lesson from Bryan Fischer is like having Justin Bieber being your neurosurgeon.

LionelHutzEsq February 16, 2011 at 7:15 pm

Yeah, if the settlers of America had simply kidnapped the Indians and forced them to convert and assimilate, they wouldn’t have had to murder almost all of them!

Don't forget rape. She was almost certainly raped.

TanzbodenKoenig February 16, 2011 at 7:57 pm

It wasn't forcible though, so no foul

Jukesgrrl February 16, 2011 at 9:27 pm

And also, it was alleged. Let's remember! No use of the term "rape victim" allowed unless there's a conviction in a court of law. Three cheers for the Republicans' latest, innovative way to re-rape women. A citizen (white, of course) can still be a "robbery victim" or a "shooting victim," but that rape was all in the lady's mind unless 12 of somebody's peers put it in their minds, too.

Naked_Bunny February 16, 2011 at 9:19 pm

The Bible encourages devout conquerors to rape and pillage, so it's cool.

bumfug February 16, 2011 at 9:41 pm

She couldn't have been raped, there weren't any Muslims around.

BeWoot February 16, 2011 at 7:17 pm

At least white immigrant Americans were willing to stoop to socialism when it came to sharing smallpox-infected blankets. And syphilis.

Maman February 16, 2011 at 7:19 pm

That assimilating thing worked out well for the "Five Civilized Tribes" too… We treated the Cherokee, Chickasaw, Choctaw, Creek, and Seminole really well…

Oblios_Cap February 17, 2011 at 8:11 am

Well, they were civilized so they should have known about the 8th commandment.

simplyblue7 February 16, 2011 at 7:21 pm

Where the hell did Bryan Fischer get his education??? 17th century England???

PublicLuxury February 16, 2011 at 8:19 pm

He was home skooled. You're such a savage. Remember, better dead than red. ;)

aguacatero February 17, 2011 at 1:20 am

Leland Stanford Junior University in Palo Alto, CA, actually.

imissopus February 17, 2011 at 2:49 am

He must have been sick the day they were teaching stuff.

OneYieldRegular February 16, 2011 at 7:21 pm

"She became both a Christian and an American (technically, of course, an Englishman)."

What luck – religious conversion AND gender reassignment surgery!

Crank_Tango February 16, 2011 at 7:32 pm

She had to wait 8 months tho. They don't tell you THAT shit in the history books, Well maybe the texas ones…

genxr February 17, 2011 at 12:07 am

The story of America's first anchor baby?

Fuck Toad February 16, 2011 at 7:21 pm

Stolen from a friend too lazy/full of anus burgers to post:

"Pocahontas died from her first visit to England, and her people were being gradually destroyed by smallpox anyway. The weakened governments tenuously holding onto valuable property were then either pushed aside with naked force or bought off astoundingly cheaply, not because they were innocent savages with no concept of money, but because they had no concept of haggling with heavily armed men outnumbering them by the thousands who blamed them for every bad winter and maimed calf.

"In the story of Pocahantas, which this man has taken from Disney straight-up, the daughter of the Powhatan chief was sent out deliberately to secure something like a royal marriage and did so by nakedly sexual displays (often literally – naked cartwheels, for instance) in public at an age between 10 and 12, and two years later was taken for a wife – more a power-jockeying thing than anything to do with unique affection or lust or whatever, because her dad was rich and everyone in the Plymouth Colony was evidently way into moe – and then her role as a status symbol was increased for both parties by putting on English airs.

"In this story our model is to be a Indian already richer than her neighbors pimped out by her dad under a white name. This does occasionally happen round parts of Oklahoma, and presumably Fisher is just as approving.

"I just like the idea of this intensely trailer-trash relationship, typical of most aristocratic societies, being treated as an American fairy tale of integration and model minoritarianism."

My contribution: I bet Bryan Fischer would love to discuss his theory with a dozen or two burly Indian men. Can this be arranged? I'll make popcorn.

DoktorZoom February 16, 2011 at 7:32 pm

Also, it's entirely likely that Smith made up most of the whole "Daddy, please save the handsome white-eyes" story. As the Wikipedia notes, "In True Travels(1630), Smith told a similar story of having been rescued by the intervention of a young girl after having been captured in 1602 by Turks in Hungary." Apparently he was just so good-lookin' that dusky maidens around the world wanted to come to his aid.

Chet Kincaid February 16, 2011 at 10:49 pm

He was the ancestor of James T. Kirk, then?

x111e7thst February 16, 2011 at 8:55 pm

It seems likely that Bryan Fischer likes the Pocahontas story precisely because he has long cherished the fantasy that his naked capering would some day make him the lust object of a handsome man from far away. To date all he has been able to achieve is general opprobrium and the odd restraining order.

One_who_wanders February 16, 2011 at 9:55 pm

Odd restraining order actually made me chortle

Naked_Bunny February 16, 2011 at 9:23 pm

To be fair, I think a lot of problems could be solved through naked cartwheeling.

One_who_wanders February 16, 2011 at 9:57 pm

Though I prefer my naked cartwheelers a bit older.

Blendergoathead February 16, 2011 at 7:22 pm

No, really. My day has been bad enough without this massive assault on what's left of my mind; can we get back to something safe, like maybe Palin getting fisted by a polar bear?

Ow.

LetUsBray February 16, 2011 at 10:05 pm

Yeah, the poor polar bear.

Tommmcatt February 16, 2011 at 7:23 pm

Your first mistake was looking for sense from an organization like the American Family Association, which is a bit like trying to reason with Phillis Shafley or Lucianne Goldberg without bringing a rag to wipe the rabies foam from their withered lips.

Anything published by the AFA is best looked at as a kind of fascist dada poetry, IMHO.

Barrelhse February 16, 2011 at 10:49 pm

At first I thought you said Syphilis Shafley (The Girl from Treponema). Silly me.

Worthly Wokette Skum February 16, 2011 at 7:28 pm

"On the Oregon Trail, the primary problems travelers suffered from the indigenous peoples were not massacres but thievery."

I think the biggest problem was shooting bison until their ammo ran out and starving later in the trip cause they had no more bullets. I say this based on extensive computer simulations.

MissTaken February 17, 2011 at 12:35 pm

Going hunting was the best part, way more fun than fording the river. However you could only carry back 100 lbs of fresh bison anus burgers to your family with dystentary. Lame!

DoktorZoom February 16, 2011 at 7:29 pm

The Powhatans, along with many of the indigenous peoples, seemed to have little respect for private property, including boundaries…

Well, what else would you expect from a bunch of Red Indians?

snoopyfan2010 February 16, 2011 at 7:38 pm

because those boundaries didn't exist before….

Chet Kincaid February 16, 2011 at 7:31 pm

Oh God, NOW what?!

iburl February 16, 2011 at 7:36 pm

Bryan Fischer heap big anusburger. I'd like him to take some peyote and spend a few weeks in a sweatlodge.

Ducksworthy February 17, 2011 at 10:04 am

I have a suggestion for the sweat lodge. I believe the North Dakota State Penn in Bismarck still allows sweats out on the exercise yard. I suggest Bryan expound on his racial theories prior to entering the darkened sweat with 10-12 naked murderer & rapists: nice guys when they're not drunk, actually and the sweat is pretty much anti-alcohol as it the peyote meeting, also.

PsycWench February 16, 2011 at 7:36 pm

I looked up the definition of ethnocentrism in the dictionary and Bryan Fischer's picture was next to it. And there were a lot of marks on the picture, as though it had been used for dart practice.

Barrelhse February 16, 2011 at 10:40 pm

You may have noticed that the ink is running, as well, from urine splashing on it.

snoopyfan2010 February 16, 2011 at 7:37 pm

Two things……first, I thought those marriages were the Englishman's way of getting access to land owned by the natives and second, the saying "from many one" implies the combining of traits not the eclipsing of one by another. But anyway, baby's gotta cry because someone took his bottle away.

LionelHutzEsq February 16, 2011 at 7:39 pm

The Powhatans, along with many of the indigenous peoples, seemed to have little respect for private property, including boundaries, and little regard for obedience to the eighth commandment and its prohibition against stealing.

But the Whites knew that the Bible was perfectly fine with stealing, as long as you do it from the native brown people, who are too forsaken by God to deserve the land they have lived on for generations. There is nothing in the 10 commandments about that, now is there!

mumbly_joe February 16, 2011 at 9:56 pm

Well, Duh, forcing someone to sign over their homes at gunpoint isn't stealing, in the moral sense, because it was perfectly legal. Oh, and then when the same people decided to break those treaties and murder the same Native Americans for the shit-sack land they got displaced to? That wasn't stealing in the moral sense, either, because the Native Americans were all dead by then. And it wasn't murder in the moral sense, because Native Americans weren't people.

BarryOPotter February 17, 2011 at 8:41 am

I think you just provided a complete, one-paragraph dissertation that earns you a Ph.D DJ (Divine Jurisprudence) from AFA Polytech (A FAP, aka, The Frightened Poo-heads, Go Team!)

elfgoldsackring February 16, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Funny. I would have said the people who invaded and appropriated whole continents and slaughtered / enslaved their inhabitants were the ones with little respect for 'boundaries'. Oh well, tomayto, tomahto. (Thanks for those BTW, Native (South?) Americans!)

DoktorZoom February 17, 2011 at 2:12 am

Look, it's not the Europeans' fault that the indigenous peoples didn't have the good sense to have a proper deed to the place.

Monsieur_Grumpe February 16, 2011 at 7:41 pm

He's really redefining asshole so, in that sense, I guess he's kind of impressive. I often wonder how people get to be like this subhuman tool. Fischer is totally self centered, devoid of empathy, incapable of admitting he is wrong and does nothing to make the his tiny little world a better place. I hope I live longer than this rancid fart so I can poop on his grave… daily.

Barrelhse February 16, 2011 at 10:34 pm

"Redefining asshole"- indeed, he's a SOLID asshole!

BarryOPotter February 17, 2011 at 8:43 am

A solid hole… Barrelhse, my mind is fucking BLOWN trying to wrap itself around the concept of a solid hole!!!!! And, yeah. Fisch? Total asshole.

Rotundo_ February 16, 2011 at 7:41 pm

How does this guy get a gig writing this shit? Kristol got his gig through daddies' connections, but this guy doesn't seem to be a legacy. If the AFA was looking for a provocative conservative viewpoint couldn't they have hired some kid with a fresh degree to write something that isn't an insult to the intelligence of a normal person, much less the type of idiot that would hang out on the AFA website? I honestly would love to know how you get a gig like this with so little observable talent or intelligence.

Come here a minute February 16, 2011 at 7:42 pm

If only we hadn't slaughtered all those Indians, we might have had the gender reassignment surgery that George Washington craved.

Monsieur_Grumpe February 16, 2011 at 7:42 pm

Nice.

littlebigdaddy February 16, 2011 at 7:42 pm

Damn, Jack, I keep clicking on the screen capture and I get no sexytime movie clip! Fix it, please!

PsycWench February 16, 2011 at 7:43 pm

I keep thinking we're going to find out this guy is a Poe and the whole thing was some sort of joke. Can anyone REALLY be such an insensitive, self-righteous jerk?
I guess the answer is yes.

Barrelhse February 16, 2011 at 10:32 pm

He's a Christian!!!

Fare la Volpe February 16, 2011 at 7:55 pm

Please. That's an insult to cunts.

PsycWench February 16, 2011 at 9:04 pm

Indeed. Actual cunts make people happy. This guy has never made anyone happy, except possibly when he told his parents he was leaving home.

Ducksworthy February 17, 2011 at 9:44 am

I had a nice dream about actual cunts last night.

Fare la Volpe February 16, 2011 at 7:57 pm

Just as long as it's not forceable.

AngryBlakGuy February 16, 2011 at 8:44 pm

…should I go with the Xanax and Jack Daniels or would you consider this a more formal non-forcible rape(i.e. Ruffies)? You only have one chance to make an impression and I don't want her to think I'm cheap!

Naked_Bunny February 16, 2011 at 9:14 pm

Just tie her up and don't get her scratched or bruised. Then it's not forcible rape, since she plainly didn't fight back. Plus, women like that sort of thing on a first date. Trust me.

AngryBlakGuy February 16, 2011 at 9:19 pm

…who said anything about a date?!

HistoriCat February 17, 2011 at 9:00 am

You're right – a "date" implies a lack of commitment and women want a forceful, decisive man.

DaRooster February 17, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Would it work out better if you gave her dain bramage?

weejee February 16, 2011 at 7:59 pm

Can we bury Bryan's heart at Wounded Knee? Nah, the good folks at Pine Ridge would call that desecration.

Mmmmm, how about sending Mr. Fischer to discuss his positions with the good and god-fearin' gators in southern Louisiana? That's it, just have to tell the gators he tastes just like chicken.

Barrelhse February 16, 2011 at 10:30 pm

"It's the real thing,
Down in Louisiana."

VinnyThePooh February 16, 2011 at 8:00 pm

I'm assuming this means that all elementary schools' Thanksgiving plays will henceforth end with "They fuckin' deserved it!"

PublicLuxury February 16, 2011 at 8:16 pm

They will also have pie. Don't forget the pie.

imissopus February 16, 2011 at 8:06 pm

I saw Joe Torre in a Starbucks the other day. But Pocahantas's celeb sighting puts that to shame. I mean, Joe Torre's never written a bible to my knowledge.

weejee February 16, 2011 at 9:04 pm

I don't know. I saw Joe playing in Milwaukee in '61, the year he finished 2nd as rookie of the year. You seeing him up-close in Starbucks gives Pocahantas a run for her celeb money.

aguacatero February 16, 2011 at 8:10 pm

Granted he's a Canadian, and not a Stanford graduate like Bryan Fischer, but Neil Young's interpretation of these same events is notably different:

They killed us in our tepee
And they cut our women down
They might have left some babies
Cryin' on the ground
But the firesticks
and the wagons come
And the night falls
on the setting sun.

metamarcisf February 16, 2011 at 10:21 pm

Wanna chip in on a copy of "Rust Never Sleeps" for Mr. Fischer?

aguacatero February 16, 2011 at 11:57 pm

Although it is quite apt (including Nobody, the Native American character who lost his identity after he was kidnapped, taken to Europe and displayed in a cage), Mr. Fischer is not worthy to hear Young's exquisite sound track to Dead Man.

notreelyhelping February 17, 2011 at 11:13 am

I love that song so much. I want to lie in a canoe beneath the stars while that song plays.

PublicLuxury February 16, 2011 at 8:15 pm

Wasn't Bryan Fischer a ice dancer/figure skater?

cheaphits February 16, 2011 at 8:31 pm

According to my family history, it was a relative of mine that married Pocahontas. I'm not proud of this, but I will point out in his defense that those were very different times.

I think I'll stay a while and watch my pee score drop.

Smitros February 16, 2011 at 10:48 pm

Adds new meaning to the term "Hungry like the Wolf(e)".

Or was it Rolfe, in which case the pun fails.

metamarcisf February 16, 2011 at 8:49 pm

Bryan Fischer's in the news again! It has been announced that he, along with a team of like-minded conservatives such as Gary Bauer, Jim Dobson and Louie Gohmert, will participate later this month in a charity spelling bee. They will be pitted against a team of retarded children, a match they are heavily favored to lose.

Fukui_sanYesOta February 16, 2011 at 8:54 pm

So thoughtful, giving those disadvantaged children something to feel good about. Very Chriatian of you.

PsycWench February 16, 2011 at 9:08 pm

Wait til you see the outcome of the compassion contest.

Oblios_Cap February 17, 2011 at 8:30 am

STOP PICKING ON TRIG!!!!

Selfish_T February 16, 2011 at 9:03 pm

What if one of those evil bears eats an Indian? Who does Bryan Fischer think is in the right?

Naked_Bunny February 16, 2011 at 9:09 pm

If Fischer thinks that "out of many, one" really means "crush the societies of those who are different than you", then I shudder to think what he believes the Vulcan notion of "infinite diversity in infinite combinations" means. Probably involves nukes.

Dudleydidwrong February 16, 2011 at 9:54 pm

"infinite diversity in infinite combinations"

Nah. That describes Fischer's idea of going into a sex shop to buy all the dildoes he can find with his daddy's credit card.

DoktorZoom February 17, 2011 at 2:08 am

Vulcans are godless science-worshiping secular humanists. Or secular Vulcanists. Exterminate the brutes!

not that Dewey February 16, 2011 at 9:13 pm

During that year-long wait, she was treated with “extraordinary courteous usage,”

Is that what the kids are calling it now? Is that like "sex by surprise"?

PresBeeblebrox February 16, 2011 at 10:29 pm

SURPRISE BUTTSECKS

deanbooth February 16, 2011 at 9:21 pm

That column is "E Shortbus Unum" — From the Retarded One.

undeterredbyreality February 16, 2011 at 9:25 pm

At least at the end of the Oregon Trail we welcomed them with outstretched arms. And smallpox, also.

Edit: Oh yeah, "we" is short for "white ejaculators" and "them" for "the humans entitled (to) 'merikkka."

Slim_Pickins February 16, 2011 at 9:31 pm

I don't remember any asterisks or footnotes in the King James version of THE TEN COMMANDMENTS, which nullified them when dealing with heathens. I discern creeping moral relativism by Fischer.

V572625694 February 17, 2011 at 9:31 am

Your avatar and screen name are eminently upfistable.

Jukesgrrl February 16, 2011 at 9:33 pm

Please, you're making my brain hurt. I'm still trying to figure out how Halle Berry being half white is totally hot, but Barack Obama being half white is grounds for impeachment.

HistoriCat February 17, 2011 at 9:19 am

Being half white is not grounds for impeachment – being half black is.

mumbly_joe February 16, 2011 at 9:35 pm

I am soooo confused as to Bryan Fischer's opinions on rape at this point.

Is "Totes okay, as long as it's White Christians doing it to brown people of any religious persuasion, really" an accurate summary?

Sue4466 February 16, 2011 at 9:42 pm

"The Powhatans, along with many of the indigenous peoples, seemed to have little respect for private property, including boundaries, and little regard for obedience to the eighth commandment and its prohibition against stealing."

So'kay, stealing weapons and tools violates the eighth commandment against stealing, but stealing the land of the Indians was okie dokie. Petty theft bad. Nation-theft super. Gotcha.

mumbly_joe February 16, 2011 at 10:08 pm

The Powhatans, along with many of the indigenous peoples, seemed to have little respect for private property, including boundaries, and little regard for obedience to the eighth commandment and its prohibition against stealing. (On the Oregon Trail, the primary problems travelers suffered from the indigenous peoples were not massacres but thievery.)

OH HAHAHA I JUST GOT IT Bryan Fischer is taking about "Indian Giving".

Fuck this guy. Fuck this guy with a rusty chainsaw.

(Also, didn't the Oregon Trail happen something like 200 years after Jamestown? GEEZ I WONDER IF ANYTHING HAPPENED IN THE INTERVENING TIME THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN RELEVANT TO RELATIONS BETWEEN THE TWO SOCIETIES)

Bryan Fischer. Chainsawdomy. Please, somebody.

Barrelhse February 16, 2011 at 10:28 pm

I like the National Jingle, too. The one written by that great ad-man, Francis Scott Key, while on a BP gulf rig.

Barrelhse February 16, 2011 at 10:43 pm

Beautiful. Just fuckin' beautiful. But is it Art?

PresBeeblebrox February 16, 2011 at 10:52 pm

So, basically, Pocahontas liked it AND asked for it. There really aren't words for this dumbfuck and his opinions…except that he is a pretty epic troll.

SayItWithWookies February 16, 2011 at 10:53 pm

It's like caaaake on your wedding day —
It's like having money when you need to pay.

mrblifil February 16, 2011 at 11:00 pm

In Bryan Fischer's honor I will now watch the scene where the badass ninja Mohican cuts out that chump's heart and shows it to him while he dies.

SayItWithWookies February 16, 2011 at 11:08 pm

It’s arresting to think of how different the history of the American settlement and expansion could have been if the other indigenous peoples had followed Pocahontas’s example. She not only recognized the superiority of the God whom the colonists worshipped over the gods of her native people, she recognized the superiority (not the perfection) of their culture and adopted its patterns and language as her own.

Wow — women have an awful lot of autonomy when it suits Bryan Fischer's need for them to have had. Of course if she had wanted an abortion, it would've been back to "Let the little heathen bleed to death in the bathtub." It's also clear that Pocahontas thought English society so clearly superior that she chose to die in her newly-adopted homeland at the first opportunity.

ms_mcgee February 16, 2011 at 11:39 pm

Did Pokahotass feature Santorum? If so, we could get our very own Santorum expert Jack Stuef to comment: http://tinyurl.com/4vvvxad

lulzmonger February 17, 2011 at 12:45 am

Pocahontas? SRSLY?

If the Pilgrims had followed the Fischer Model, this neighborhood would be a lot more peaceful & civilized, & it would still be called Turtle Island. There were only two kinds of early settlers in the New World – the ones who were willing to learn Native ways, & the dead ones. I'm sure Tonto always bailing out The Lone Ranger's sorry ass is ALSO central to his point.

Yeesh.

obfuscator2 February 17, 2011 at 1:06 am

he's not a real person. he's not a real person. he's not a real person.

chascates February 17, 2011 at 2:43 am

OK. We've changed the history of slavery, of the treatment of Native Americans, and of how FDR was a giant socialist. We are now a nation singled out by God, destined to stride the globe like a Colossus, and the world's Policeman/Culture Corrupter/HFCS manufacturer. Can we do this without the loudest morons in the media trying to frighten us about our fellow citizens, different religions, foreign nationals, education, science, etc.?

No, I didn't think so.

Negropolis February 17, 2011 at 3:01 am

Cultural genocide (along with physica genocide)! Aint' she grand?

No, if you really study Pocahontas' story, you'll find that after what was essentially kidnapped and in a forced marriage, she was miserable, nay, soul-crushed, for the rest of her short life. The story of Pocahontas is one of the saddest most depressing stories of an individual in American history, IMHO.

This woman was spiritually hollowed out, shipped off to England as an example that the indigenous people of America could be "civilized", paraded before all of the self-righteous and curious royal court, and died there.

DerrickWildcat February 17, 2011 at 3:11 am

I have the Blu-Ray Directors Cut Expanded Edition 3D Collectors Edition 1260p Wide screen of Pokahotass if anyone is interested.

zhubajie February 17, 2011 at 5:53 am

I'm surprised he's in favor of race mixing!

zhubajie February 17, 2011 at 5:53 am

The real Pocahontas died almost at once of smallpox, I believe.

zhubajie February 17, 2011 at 6:10 am

In all seriousness, who is the audience for this nonsense?

V572625694 February 17, 2011 at 9:33 am

Well, there's us.

Numbat_Dundee February 17, 2011 at 7:26 am

King James never washed, had a tongue so big that he couldn't talk without spitting and spent most of his time with handsome young "favourites".
Pocahontas must have been so thrilled to meet this representative of a superior civilsation.

problemwithcaring February 17, 2011 at 10:00 am

It's clear from these comments that America is just not mature enough to see the value in raping a pre-pubescent child. When you are, America, AFA will be waiting.

doxastic February 17, 2011 at 10:26 am

Out of many, white.

NewYorkJew February 17, 2011 at 11:08 am

For a book on the long history of (mis)using Pocahontas's story to construct "American" myths, see Robert S. Tilton's 1994 "Pocahontas: The Evolution of an American Narrative" (Cambridge UP).

notreelyhelping February 17, 2011 at 11:11 am

Fess Parker taught him all he needed to know about American history.

transfatz February 18, 2011 at 3:29 am

Born on a mountain top antenna see…

iKento February 17, 2011 at 11:24 am

He forgot the part where Pocahontas realized the Christian value of living with the colors of the wind.

JustPixelz February 17, 2011 at 12:34 pm

"She became both a Christian and an American"

Pretty sure she was an American — in the most literal sense — before the English showed up.

jus_wonderin February 17, 2011 at 5:25 pm

“Rebecca, the former Pocahontas, showed us what could have been.”

Does she have a cool symbol too. Something from the classy Wingdings font?

Lost_Teabaggers February 18, 2011 at 2:46 am

What I think this asshole is alluding to in less than nimble terms is that she became Christian and American…these are the "god and country" jackboots we're talking about. Oh and I'm sure the implication of "E Pluribus Unum" to this dildo means something like…"out of many people, one religion"…seeing his well founded track record of being the Christian bigot he acuses fundamentalist Muslims of being. Anywho just thought I'd make that observation…oh and he's an evil child molesting hypocrit, also.

transfatz February 18, 2011 at 3:24 am

Bryan Fischer is an idiot. He needs to be locked in a room with Sherman Alexie for a few hours. Once Sherman has deftly removed Bryan's poisonous brain he will be fit for feeding to Russell Means' dogs.

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