he is a disney princess!

AFA’s Bryan Fischer: ‘Pocahontas Shows What Could Have Been’

Oh, you thought John Smith was attracted to her morals?Woah woah woah, you guys thought Bryan Fischer hates Native Americans? Why would you ever think that? Would it be from all the columns he’s written about how they’re disgusting drunken savages with no morals who don’t deserve to live in this country? You’re an idiot. You know why? Bryan Fischer likes one (1) whole Indian: Pocahontas. Pocahontas, who was kidnapped by the English and converted to Christianity, is great because she got about as white as a brown person could get. So white she even took on a white name! “Rebecca, the former Pocahontas, showed us what could have been.” Yeah, if the settlers of America had simply kidnapped the Indians and forced them to convert and assimilate, they wouldn’t have had to murder almost all of them! Oh wait, no, the white people never did anything wrong, remember. Murdering was fine. It was the Indians’ fault.

She subsequently was captured by English settlers, who intended to exchange her for English prisoners who had been taken into captivity by the Algonquins, or Powhatans, who also helped themselves to various weapons and tools. The Powhatans, along with many of the indigenous peoples, seemed to have little respect for private property, including boundaries, and little regard for obedience to the eighth commandment and its prohibition against stealing. (On the Oregon Trail, the primary problems travelers suffered from the indigenous peoples were not massacres but thievery.)

Those fucking socialists! Yeah, it’s okay that the English kidnapped this young girl, because they were white and Christian and adhered to the God’s most supreme moral law, “But the Brown People Did It First!”

After her baptism and wedding, Rebecca traveled to England with her new husband, where she was honored and feted as a princess, the daughter of a king in the New World. She met King James, the King James of Bible fame, while there.

Woah, the Bible one? CELEB SIGHTING!

In other words, she both converted and assimilated. She became both a Christian and an American (technically, of course, an Englishman). She melded into European and Christian civilization and made her identity as a Christian and an Englishman her primary identity. She was the first manifestation of what became our national slogan, “E Pluribus Unum,” “Out of many, one.”

An EnglishMAN? Uh oh, Brian, sounds like you’re praising a tranny here!

Yeah that national “slogan” is pretty good (BESIDES “IN GOD WE TRUST!” SORRY, GOD!), but it makes it sound like we should have learned a thing or two from the Native Americans, which is evil, because everything they did was wrong and everything the white people did was right. Obviously a better national slogan is “E Stockholm-Syndromed Tranny Unum.” [AFA]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. ifthethunderdontgetya

    She was the first manifestation of what became our national slogan, “E Pluribus Unum,” “Out of many, one.”

    Out of many we massacred, here's one pretty one we sexed up and married, instead. For Disney and free markets, people!

    1. Naked_Bunny

      I suspect that Disney's Pocahontas drives Fischer nuts, but not for the same reason it drives most people nuts.

  2. petehammer

    I do enjoy the concept that "private property" is some inherent and cherished right, that we're all aware of since birth, and Indians are savages for not respecting it. Perhaps they didn't have a concept of private property since (huge generalization) they believed that you couldn't "own" many aspects of daily life. How can you own a river or a mountain? Instead of having an interesting philosophical debate between the two views of "property", Lord Douchington Fischer decides that private property was just a settled fact in the New World.

    Maybe it isn't that the Indians had no respect for private property but that ole Whitey had no respect for the Indians' concept of ownership.

    1. AngryBlakGuy

      …my neighbor has my lawn mower and shears and hasn't returned them, does this mean I can kidnap his 19yr daughter?! Please say yes!!!

    2. imissopus

      Also that they had little regard for "obedience to the eighth commandment." Dirty savages. And don't tell me "They had never encountered Christians and had no idea what the ten commandments even are." Excuses are like assholes, everyone has one. Even the heathen natives.

      1. mumbly_joe

        FUN FACT: If you're Catholic or Lutheran, the eigth commandment is actually the one about not bearing false witness, and seven is the one about not stealing. Also, and perhaps more ironically, given the context, if you're Jewish, the eighth commandment might actually an overt prohibition against kidnapping, rather than the run-of-the-mill stealing prohibited in Leviticus. (source)

        But, whatever, Bryan Fischer is pretty sure that all those people are heathens, too, I'm sure, and deserve to burn in Hell. Or genocided and kidnap-raped. Either way.

      2. Ducksworthy

        I know I'm very late to the discussion here so forgive me if this has been raised before. Is staling people and selling them into slavery in any way connected to the 8th amendment or does that fall the under spoils of war exclusion?

    3. BerkeleyBear

      While many native tribes didn't recognize private ownership of real property (rather than collective holding/traditional grounds) most did recognize personal property (horses, trade goods, weapons, etc.) Fischer's bs about the Oregon Trail,though, ignores the fact that by their own standards the white assholes were trespassing in the first place and if they were too lazy to protect their shit, natives viewed it as completely acceptable to relieve them of of the excess.

      1. kissawookiee

        Bryan is just bitter about that one time he forgot to buy enough beans at the mercantile before setting off, and then when his wagon bogged down crossing the Missouri under the weight of all those guns and Bibles, the injuns came and stole them all. And then his party died of starvation on Day Four, and all the other kids laughed at him.

    4. _MISS_T_

      The Australian aboriginals had exactly that – at least the tribe in the Sydney area – absolutely no concept of property ownership. They had to be taught principles of barter and trade which of course destroyed their society. Kind of utopian before that happened. Captain Cook wrote of how happy they were in that culture of no ownership, no permanent shelters and that 'all they seemed to want was for us to be gone'.

  3. emmelemm

    "On the Oregon Trail, the primary problems travelers suffered from the indigenous peoples were not massacres but thievery."


      1. MissTaken

        That's why you always choose to be the Banker. Can buy the most expensive wagon and hire cheap ass Injins to fix it for you so you can ford down the river snug as a bug in a rug.

      1. Beanball

        Flat feet.

        The emigrants walked the Oregon Trail as Conestoga wagons did not have passenger seats. On a personal note: My great-grandmother walked the last several months of the Trail pregnant with my grandmother, who was born in Washington state shortly after arrival.

    1. PhilippePetain

      in 1853, thievery replaced broken axles as the leading cause of consternation en route to the Oregon Country.

  4. genxr

    Wow, they let her become an American? What an honor!

    As for the rest of them, they'll never be Americans. They acted like they never even HEARD of the 8th Commandment.

    1. V572625694

      Well, technically an Englishman. Like King James, who was also technically an Englishman, but because he wrote the Bible actually an American. You could look it up.

  5. donner_froh

    And in other Bryan Fischer news, Uncle Remus showed us what African-Americans could have been. Charlie Chan was the perfect example for Chinese-Americans and Shylock did the job for Jewish-Americans.

    1. BeWoot

      Sometimes I feel like the house crank …

      Uncle Remus was in no way portrayed as in any way a "lesser" character by Joel Chandler Harris–who, in putting into writing the Uncle Remus stories, did us all an enormous favor by recording the moral-rich folklore shared among Black culture in the Old South. Uncle Remus was the wise old man who narrated the fables and pointed up the moral of each story. (Aesop was probably not the original author of his fables, either, but I'm damned glad he passed them along.)

      This sermonette aside, donnor_froh, you and I share a very low opinion of Fischer the douchenozzle

        1. SorosBot

          Wait, are you saying BeWoot is a generic Wonkette crewman who will be killed by the monster of the week before the regular and recurring Wonketters figure out how to defeat it?

          1. ChessieNefercat

            No, because BeWoot has a name! He will survive! Isn't soon-to-die Crewman Redshirt usually nameless?

      1. MaxUdargo

        Of course Uncle Remus wasn't a "lesser" character! He was a very nice black man. And very happy. Lazy bastard – he never did any work – but good at telling stories to little white boys. Everything I know about slavery I learned from Song of the South: Happy black people kicking back and telling stories. And everybody loved everybody and nobody was "lesser" and the nice white people didn't mind all those lazy black people crashing on the sofa and drinking all the beer from the fridge. Not as long as they was entertaining the kids.

    2. tcaalaw

      Seriously, what's wrong with Charlie Chan as a role model? He was very smart (clearly smarter than all the white detectives around him), successful (he was hired to solve mysteries all over the planet), and a good father. The only thing that was racist about the character was having him be played by white actors in "yellow face".

    3. teebob2000

      They're called "CHINAMEN" got it?? Anybody with them fucked-up eyes is a Chinaman. Either do it right or don't do it at all.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      I hope that Bryan Fischer gets kidnapped by eight-limbed rapists from planet Zarg and taken there to be made a pet of the ruler's little kids. We can hold him up as the perfect example…

  6. mavenmaven

    "What, me a racist? Why, some of my best friends are Injuns! In fact, I'll write a column praising one injun squaw and that will allow me to hate on everyone else again!"

    1. gef05

      Sorry – but this guy shits me.

      He didn't praise one injun squaw. He diluted the woman into some sort of white-toy, celebrating the destruction of both her cultural identity and her self-hood.

      /I know you know, maven. I just don't like this twit.

  7. Beowoof

    Ah how soon teatards forget that with out Squanto, the first Pilgrims wouldn't have survived the New England winter. Of course that would require some knowledge of history, which I am ashamed as an American to say they don't have any knowledge of history or anything else.

    1. kissawookiee

      And then they survived a little bit longer by, you know, stealing the Indians' stored seed corn. Can't violate someone else in an 8th Commandment way when they've never heard of the 8th Commandment, I guess, and, in fact, that's better than their heathen asses deserved.

      1. Angry_Marmot

        Wait, did anyone figure out whether Fischer is crushing on the dead 22 year old, or the 12 year old John Smith described, or the Disney/Penthouse Pocahontas cartoon, or um, Pokahotass? Because, ew, but at least two of those qualify him for high office.

  8. donner_froh

    King James of Bible fame was also King James of cocksucking and buggery fame:

    While riding through the bustling streets of London from 1603 to 1621, one was liable to hear the shout "Long live Queen James!" King James I of England and VI of Scotland was so open about his homosexual love affairs that an epigram had been circulated which roused much mirth and nodding of the heads: Rex fuit Elizabeth: nunc est regina Jacobus—"Elizabeth was King: now James is Queen."

        1. donner_froh

          Got it. It was the first or second item on a google search of (I think) "James i England sex scandal"

          I don't know if James Stuart was that much into guys but he definitely couldn't keep it in his pants generally–but since he was king he didn't have to.

    1. zhubajie

      The Spanish ambassador sent home one of his regular messages saying "The king is going to Newcastle this week; it's like Tiberias going to Capri."

  9. OC_Surf_Serf

    The ultimate ringtard Joey 'Morms' Smith wrote that folks like Pocahontas were Israelites…

    Why does Bryan Fischer hate the Joos?

    1. Oblios_Cap

      One might be forgiven for thinking that Fischer would hate Pocahontas for being a woman.

      But he probably hates the Joos, too. Then again, he can bask in the warm fuzzies knowing that Jebus is going to slaughter the lot of them upon his return.

      1. BarryOPotter

        The only problem with their certainty about future events is the assumption about to whom "the lot" refers when the smiting-time is nigh…

  10. AngryBlakGuy

    …in history, why is the word "discover" and "steal" so interchangeable? If I ever decide to steal a car or rob a house(I am blakk, its just a matter of time) I think I know what my defense will be!

    1. SexySmurf

      Discover is what white people do. Steal is what black people do. Did you learn nothing from Katrina?

      1. AngryBlakGuy

        …well my family is Nigerian and we remember how grateful we were when the British "discovered" us.

          1. AngryBlakGuy

            …dear honored sir

            I am Chief Angry of the Blak Guy tribe and I am contacting you in reference to a business proposal…

  11. MinAgain

    Boy, someone in my elementary school totally misrepresented the Trail of Tears. According to Mr. Fischer, since the Cherokee did every damn thing in their power to assimilate, those tears must have been tears of joy over the tribe's unqualified acceptance by white people.

  12. nounverb911

    "English prisoners who had been taken into captivity by the Algonquins,"
    Who quietly sat them around a round table and founded "The New Yorker".

  13. Radiotherapy

    And kids, don't forget about Sacagawea, that was another one. Look, she kinda helped Lewis and Clark get across the savage, pre-christian lands and back again. And now we honor her heritage with a dollar coin. E Pluribus Uni. Out of one, money.

    1. DoktorZoom

      And Sacagawea did all that with a baby along for the trip, too. She was twice the man Fischer will ever be.

    2. Negropolis

      A dollar coin that doesn't age very well, in fact. I've never seen a new coin deteriorate so quickly.

      1. MissTaken

        Even the 9/11 Commemorative coins? I thought those deteriorated from $29.95 to less than a nickel overnight.

  14. CZL

    I thought the prevailing historical wisdom on Pocahontas was that while no one was saying she was a gold digger, no one saw her lusting after some poor dude in a loincloth shooting at stuff with a bow and arrow.

    1. PublicLuxury

      Bryan Fischer has tiny little penis. He's a bug fucker that has to pick on dead people that were raped, exterminated and ill-treated.

      1. Barrelhse

        Fischer is an embarrassment to human intelligence. If I had a time-machine I'd stuff his ass in it and dial up "Little Big Horn, June,1876. Gen.Custer's unit".

    2. Barrelhse

      Did your cheeseburger resemble the one that an artist has kept on her shelf for years, apparently immutable?

      1. ttommyunger

        It was barely recognizable, hard to say. I do recall they sold for 15 cents at the time, though. Does that help?

      1. ttommyunger

        I remember at that time it cost me 15 Cents, so it probably was not “USDA Choice”; in fact, I think I found a tooth in it.

  15. Radiotherapy

    Getting a history lesson from Bryan Fischer is like having Justin Bieber being your neurosurgeon.

  16. LionelHutzEsq

    Yeah, if the settlers of America had simply kidnapped the Indians and forced them to convert and assimilate, they wouldn’t have had to murder almost all of them!

    Don't forget rape. She was almost certainly raped.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        And also, it was alleged. Let's remember! No use of the term "rape victim" allowed unless there's a conviction in a court of law. Three cheers for the Republicans' latest, innovative way to re-rape women. A citizen (white, of course) can still be a "robbery victim" or a "shooting victim," but that rape was all in the lady's mind unless 12 of somebody's peers put it in their minds, too.

  17. BeWoot

    At least white immigrant Americans were willing to stoop to socialism when it came to sharing smallpox-infected blankets. And syphilis.

  18. Maman

    That assimilating thing worked out well for the "Five Civilized Tribes" too… We treated the Cherokee, Chickasaw, Choctaw, Creek, and Seminole really well…

  19. OneYieldRegular

    "She became both a Christian and an American (technically, of course, an Englishman)."

    What luck – religious conversion AND gender reassignment surgery!

    1. Crank_Tango

      She had to wait 8 months tho. They don't tell you THAT shit in the history books, Well maybe the texas ones…

  20. Fuck Toad

    Stolen from a friend too lazy/full of anus burgers to post:

    "Pocahontas died from her first visit to England, and her people were being gradually destroyed by smallpox anyway. The weakened governments tenuously holding onto valuable property were then either pushed aside with naked force or bought off astoundingly cheaply, not because they were innocent savages with no concept of money, but because they had no concept of haggling with heavily armed men outnumbering them by the thousands who blamed them for every bad winter and maimed calf.

    "In the story of Pocahantas, which this man has taken from Disney straight-up, the daughter of the Powhatan chief was sent out deliberately to secure something like a royal marriage and did so by nakedly sexual displays (often literally – naked cartwheels, for instance) in public at an age between 10 and 12, and two years later was taken for a wife – more a power-jockeying thing than anything to do with unique affection or lust or whatever, because her dad was rich and everyone in the Plymouth Colony was evidently way into moe – and then her role as a status symbol was increased for both parties by putting on English airs.

    "In this story our model is to be a Indian already richer than her neighbors pimped out by her dad under a white name. This does occasionally happen round parts of Oklahoma, and presumably Fisher is just as approving.

    "I just like the idea of this intensely trailer-trash relationship, typical of most aristocratic societies, being treated as an American fairy tale of integration and model minoritarianism."

    My contribution: I bet Bryan Fischer would love to discuss his theory with a dozen or two burly Indian men. Can this be arranged? I'll make popcorn.

    1. DoktorZoom

      Also, it's entirely likely that Smith made up most of the whole "Daddy, please save the handsome white-eyes" story. As the Wikipedia notes, "In True Travels(1630), Smith told a similar story of having been rescued by the intervention of a young girl after having been captured in 1602 by Turks in Hungary." Apparently he was just so good-lookin' that dusky maidens around the world wanted to come to his aid.

    2. x111e7thst

      It seems likely that Bryan Fischer likes the Pocahontas story precisely because he has long cherished the fantasy that his naked capering would some day make him the lust object of a handsome man from far away. To date all he has been able to achieve is general opprobrium and the odd restraining order.

  21. Blendergoathead

    No, really. My day has been bad enough without this massive assault on what's left of my mind; can we get back to something safe, like maybe Palin getting fisted by a polar bear?


  22. Tommmcatt

    Your first mistake was looking for sense from an organization like the American Family Association, which is a bit like trying to reason with Phillis Shafley or Lucianne Goldberg without bringing a rag to wipe the rabies foam from their withered lips.

    Anything published by the AFA is best looked at as a kind of fascist dada poetry, IMHO.

  23. Worthly Wokette Skum

    "On the Oregon Trail, the primary problems travelers suffered from the indigenous peoples were not massacres but thievery."

    I think the biggest problem was shooting bison until their ammo ran out and starving later in the trip cause they had no more bullets. I say this based on extensive computer simulations.

    1. MissTaken

      Going hunting was the best part, way more fun than fording the river. However you could only carry back 100 lbs of fresh bison anus burgers to your family with dystentary. Lame!

  24. DoktorZoom

    The Powhatans, along with many of the indigenous peoples, seemed to have little respect for private property, including boundaries…

    Well, what else would you expect from a bunch of Red Indians?

  25. iburl

    Bryan Fischer heap big anusburger. I'd like him to take some peyote and spend a few weeks in a sweatlodge.

    1. Ducksworthy

      I have a suggestion for the sweat lodge. I believe the North Dakota State Penn in Bismarck still allows sweats out on the exercise yard. I suggest Bryan expound on his racial theories prior to entering the darkened sweat with 10-12 naked murderer & rapists: nice guys when they're not drunk, actually and the sweat is pretty much anti-alcohol as it the peyote meeting, also.

  26. PsycWench

    I looked up the definition of ethnocentrism in the dictionary and Bryan Fischer's picture was next to it. And there were a lot of marks on the picture, as though it had been used for dart practice.

  27. snoopyfan2010

    Two things……first, I thought those marriages were the Englishman's way of getting access to land owned by the natives and second, the saying "from many one" implies the combining of traits not the eclipsing of one by another. But anyway, baby's gotta cry because someone took his bottle away.

  28. LionelHutzEsq

    The Powhatans, along with many of the indigenous peoples, seemed to have little respect for private property, including boundaries, and little regard for obedience to the eighth commandment and its prohibition against stealing.

    But the Whites knew that the Bible was perfectly fine with stealing, as long as you do it from the native brown people, who are too forsaken by God to deserve the land they have lived on for generations. There is nothing in the 10 commandments about that, now is there!

    1. mumbly_joe

      Well, Duh, forcing someone to sign over their homes at gunpoint isn't stealing, in the moral sense, because it was perfectly legal. Oh, and then when the same people decided to break those treaties and murder the same Native Americans for the shit-sack land they got displaced to? That wasn't stealing in the moral sense, either, because the Native Americans were all dead by then. And it wasn't murder in the moral sense, because Native Americans weren't people.

      1. BarryOPotter

        I think you just provided a complete, one-paragraph dissertation that earns you a Ph.D DJ (Divine Jurisprudence) from AFA Polytech (A FAP, aka, The Frightened Poo-heads, Go Team!)

  29. elfgoldsackring

    Funny. I would have said the people who invaded and appropriated whole continents and slaughtered / enslaved their inhabitants were the ones with little respect for 'boundaries'. Oh well, tomayto, tomahto. (Thanks for those BTW, Native (South?) Americans!)

    1. DoktorZoom

      Look, it's not the Europeans' fault that the indigenous peoples didn't have the good sense to have a proper deed to the place.

  30. Monsieur_Grumpe

    He's really redefining asshole so, in that sense, I guess he's kind of impressive. I often wonder how people get to be like this subhuman tool. Fischer is totally self centered, devoid of empathy, incapable of admitting he is wrong and does nothing to make the his tiny little world a better place. I hope I live longer than this rancid fart so I can poop on his grave… daily.

      1. BarryOPotter

        A solid hole… Barrelhse, my mind is fucking BLOWN trying to wrap itself around the concept of a solid hole!!!!! And, yeah. Fisch? Total asshole.

  31. Rotundo_

    How does this guy get a gig writing this shit? Kristol got his gig through daddies' connections, but this guy doesn't seem to be a legacy. If the AFA was looking for a provocative conservative viewpoint couldn't they have hired some kid with a fresh degree to write something that isn't an insult to the intelligence of a normal person, much less the type of idiot that would hang out on the AFA website? I honestly would love to know how you get a gig like this with so little observable talent or intelligence.

  32. Come here a minute

    If only we hadn't slaughtered all those Indians, we might have had the gender reassignment surgery that George Washington craved.

  33. littlebigdaddy

    Damn, Jack, I keep clicking on the screen capture and I get no sexytime movie clip! Fix it, please!

  34. PsycWench

    I keep thinking we're going to find out this guy is a Poe and the whole thing was some sort of joke. Can anyone REALLY be such an insensitive, self-righteous jerk?
    I guess the answer is yes.

    1. PsycWench

      Indeed. Actual cunts make people happy. This guy has never made anyone happy, except possibly when he told his parents he was leaving home.

    1. AngryBlakGuy

      …should I go with the Xanax and Jack Daniels or would you consider this a more formal non-forcible rape(i.e. Ruffies)? You only have one chance to make an impression and I don't want her to think I'm cheap!

      1. Naked_Bunny

        Just tie her up and don't get her scratched or bruised. Then it's not forcible rape, since she plainly didn't fight back. Plus, women like that sort of thing on a first date. Trust me.

  35. weejee

    Can we bury Bryan's heart at Wounded Knee? Nah, the good folks at Pine Ridge would call that desecration.

    Mmmmm, how about sending Mr. Fischer to discuss his positions with the good and god-fearin' gators in southern Louisiana? That's it, just have to tell the gators he tastes just like chicken.

  36. VinnyThePooh

    I'm assuming this means that all elementary schools' Thanksgiving plays will henceforth end with "They fuckin' deserved it!"

  37. imissopus

    I saw Joe Torre in a Starbucks the other day. But Pocahantas's celeb sighting puts that to shame. I mean, Joe Torre's never written a bible to my knowledge.

    1. weejee

      I don't know. I saw Joe playing in Milwaukee in '61, the year he finished 2nd as rookie of the year. You seeing him up-close in Starbucks gives Pocahantas a run for her celeb money.

  38. aguacatero

    Granted he's a Canadian, and not a Stanford graduate like Bryan Fischer, but Neil Young's interpretation of these same events is notably different:

    They killed us in our tepee
    And they cut our women down
    They might have left some babies
    Cryin' on the ground
    But the firesticks
    and the wagons come
    And the night falls
    on the setting sun.

      1. aguacatero

        Although it is quite apt (including Nobody, the Native American character who lost his identity after he was kidnapped, taken to Europe and displayed in a cage), Mr. Fischer is not worthy to hear Young's exquisite sound track to Dead Man.

  39. cheaphits

    According to my family history, it was a relative of mine that married Pocahontas. I'm not proud of this, but I will point out in his defense that those were very different times.

    I think I'll stay a while and watch my pee score drop.

  40. metamarcisf

    Bryan Fischer's in the news again! It has been announced that he, along with a team of like-minded conservatives such as Gary Bauer, Jim Dobson and Louie Gohmert, will participate later this month in a charity spelling bee. They will be pitted against a team of retarded children, a match they are heavily favored to lose.

    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      So thoughtful, giving those disadvantaged children something to feel good about. Very Chriatian of you.

  41. Naked_Bunny

    If Fischer thinks that "out of many, one" really means "crush the societies of those who are different than you", then I shudder to think what he believes the Vulcan notion of "infinite diversity in infinite combinations" means. Probably involves nukes.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      "infinite diversity in infinite combinations"

      Nah. That describes Fischer's idea of going into a sex shop to buy all the dildoes he can find with his daddy's credit card.

    2. DoktorZoom

      Vulcans are godless science-worshiping secular humanists. Or secular Vulcanists. Exterminate the brutes!

  42. not that Dewey

    During that year-long wait, she was treated with “extraordinary courteous usage,”

    Is that what the kids are calling it now? Is that like "sex by surprise"?

  43. undeterredbyreality

    At least at the end of the Oregon Trail we welcomed them with outstretched arms. And smallpox, also.

    Edit: Oh yeah, "we" is short for "white ejaculators" and "them" for "the humans entitled (to) 'merikkka."

  44. Slim_Pickins

    I don't remember any asterisks or footnotes in the King James version of THE TEN COMMANDMENTS, which nullified them when dealing with heathens. I discern creeping moral relativism by Fischer.

  45. Jukesgrrl

    Please, you're making my brain hurt. I'm still trying to figure out how Halle Berry being half white is totally hot, but Barack Obama being half white is grounds for impeachment.

  46. mumbly_joe

    I am soooo confused as to Bryan Fischer's opinions on rape at this point.

    Is "Totes okay, as long as it's White Christians doing it to brown people of any religious persuasion, really" an accurate summary?

  47. Sue4466

    "The Powhatans, along with many of the indigenous peoples, seemed to have little respect for private property, including boundaries, and little regard for obedience to the eighth commandment and its prohibition against stealing."

    So'kay, stealing weapons and tools violates the eighth commandment against stealing, but stealing the land of the Indians was okie dokie. Petty theft bad. Nation-theft super. Gotcha.

  48. mumbly_joe

    The Powhatans, along with many of the indigenous peoples, seemed to have little respect for private property, including boundaries, and little regard for obedience to the eighth commandment and its prohibition against stealing. (On the Oregon Trail, the primary problems travelers suffered from the indigenous peoples were not massacres but thievery.)

    OH HAHAHA I JUST GOT IT Bryan Fischer is taking about "Indian Giving".

    Fuck this guy. Fuck this guy with a rusty chainsaw.


    Bryan Fischer. Chainsawdomy. Please, somebody.

  49. Barrelhse

    I like the National Jingle, too. The one written by that great ad-man, Francis Scott Key, while on a BP gulf rig.

  50. SayItWithWookies

    It’s arresting to think of how different the history of the American settlement and expansion could have been if the other indigenous peoples had followed Pocahontas’s example. She not only recognized the superiority of the God whom the colonists worshipped over the gods of her native people, she recognized the superiority (not the perfection) of their culture and adopted its patterns and language as her own.

    Wow — women have an awful lot of autonomy when it suits Bryan Fischer's need for them to have had. Of course if she had wanted an abortion, it would've been back to "Let the little heathen bleed to death in the bathtub." It's also clear that Pocahontas thought English society so clearly superior that she chose to die in her newly-adopted homeland at the first opportunity.

  51. lulzmonger

    Pocahontas? SRSLY?

    If the Pilgrims had followed the Fischer Model, this neighborhood would be a lot more peaceful & civilized, & it would still be called Turtle Island. There were only two kinds of early settlers in the New World – the ones who were willing to learn Native ways, & the dead ones. I'm sure Tonto always bailing out The Lone Ranger's sorry ass is ALSO central to his point.


  52. chascates

    OK. We've changed the history of slavery, of the treatment of Native Americans, and of how FDR was a giant socialist. We are now a nation singled out by God, destined to stride the globe like a Colossus, and the world's Policeman/Culture Corrupter/HFCS manufacturer. Can we do this without the loudest morons in the media trying to frighten us about our fellow citizens, different religions, foreign nationals, education, science, etc.?

    No, I didn't think so.

  53. Negropolis

    Cultural genocide (along with physica genocide)! Aint' she grand?

    No, if you really study Pocahontas' story, you'll find that after what was essentially kidnapped and in a forced marriage, she was miserable, nay, soul-crushed, for the rest of her short life. The story of Pocahontas is one of the saddest most depressing stories of an individual in American history, IMHO.

    This woman was spiritually hollowed out, shipped off to England as an example that the indigenous people of America could be "civilized", paraded before all of the self-righteous and curious royal court, and died there.

  54. Numbat_Dundee

    King James never washed, had a tongue so big that he couldn't talk without spitting and spent most of his time with handsome young "favourites".
    Pocahontas must have been so thrilled to meet this representative of a superior civilsation.

  55. problemwithcaring

    It's clear from these comments that America is just not mature enough to see the value in raping a pre-pubescent child. When you are, America, AFA will be waiting.

  56. NewYorkJew

    For a book on the long history of (mis)using Pocahontas's story to construct "American" myths, see Robert S. Tilton's 1994 "Pocahontas: The Evolution of an American Narrative" (Cambridge UP).

  57. jus_wonderin

    “Rebecca, the former Pocahontas, showed us what could have been.”

    Does she have a cool symbol too. Something from the classy Wingdings font?

  58. Lost_Teabaggers

    What I think this asshole is alluding to in less than nimble terms is that she became Christian and American…these are the "god and country" jackboots we're talking about. Oh and I'm sure the implication of "E Pluribus Unum" to this dildo means something like…"out of many people, one religion"…seeing his well founded track record of being the Christian bigot he acuses fundamentalist Muslims of being. Anywho just thought I'd make that observation…oh and he's an evil child molesting hypocrit, also.

  59. transfatz

    Bryan Fischer is an idiot. He needs to be locked in a room with Sherman Alexie for a few hours. Once Sherman has deftly removed Bryan's poisonous brain he will be fit for feeding to Russell Means' dogs.

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