BIEBER SAYS AMERICA 'EVIL'  4:45 pm February 16, 2011

Justin Bieber Attacks U.S. Health Care Just Because It Bankrupts Sick People

by Ken Layne

Destroy another fetus now, we don't like children anyhow. I've seen the future, baby. It is murder.Canadian prime minister Justin Bieber revealed to the Rolling Stone website that America sucks for all kinds of reasons, not the least of which is the nation’s barbaric “health care system” (The Greatest Health Care System In The World™). So when will Justin Bieber become an American Citizen?

Can you even believe he had the nerve to say “never,” as in “never never ever,” which is what he probably said? But why? Why not become a citizen of America?

He should know that the United States is the Greatest Country In The World (according to people who have literally never been anywhere else on Earth), because his race probably has American TeeVee News in Canada, maybe, to broadcast this important message. After all, we have to have CBC and that gutter “French” station from Quebec on our satellite radio here in the real North America!

This little punk kid with the microwaved Byrds wig, he thinks he can say bad things about MIGHTY AMERICA and still get our teen girls all juiced up? UNCOOL, DA BIEB. (That is his rap nickname, we bet, “DA BIEB.” Or maybe “DA BEEB.” Or “BEEB BEE CEE-LO.”) But please say in American words why you will not become a U.S. citizen, DA BIEB.

“You guys are evil,” he says with a laugh. “Canada’s the best country in the world. We go to the doctor and we don’t need to worry about paying him, but here, your whole life, you’re broke because of medical bills. My bodyguard’s baby was premature, and now he has to pay for it. In Canada, if your baby’s premature, he stays in the hospital as long as he needs to, and then you go home.

WHUT. Also he is against abortion. Who could be against abortion? It seems like every Canadian singer (Leonard Cohen and Justin Bieber) is for some reason against killing babies for sport when they are still “in da uterus.” It’s like these people do not even remember we fought whatever war, Vietnam or Grenada or someplace, to free them from Tyranny. God, sometimes it’s like foreigners don’t even know how to be liberal.

Defund Planned Parenthood/Justin Beiber today! When your daughter “rides” with Bieber, she actually rides with Hitler! [Rolling Stone via Cajun Boy]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 228 comments }

mourningnmerica February 16, 2011 at 4:47 pm

Leonard Cohen and Justin Bieber in the same parentheses. Take me now, Lord.

ifthethunderdontgetya February 16, 2011 at 5:20 pm

So this is the hard-hitting expose Ken Layne has been working on all day.

O.K., it was the blingee, wasn't it.
~

horsedreamer_1 February 16, 2011 at 8:34 pm

Just keep Bieber away from the RUSH songbook & Joni Mitchell, & I'll be cool.

I'd kind of like to him do a ravey, jammy take on "Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald", though. Maybe get Leftover Salmon (is that the indigenous people's Phish-type act?) to do accompaniment.

mlwjones February 16, 2011 at 10:07 pm

I vomited a bit in my mouth when I saw that.

If you want evidence of the coming End of Days, think this: a Bieber/Cohen duet album, covering Celine Dion's greatest hits.

revmod February 16, 2011 at 10:58 pm

Destroy another fetus now
We don't like children anyhow
I've seen the future, baby (baby baby, ohhhhh)
It is murder.

Numbat_Dundee February 17, 2011 at 7:35 am

Now I've heard there was a secret chord
That Justin played and it pleased the Lord
And you Yanks don't have no healthcare really do ya?
It goes like this, you tax the rich,
Then pay for Doctors when you itch.
Even Bieber – a pre-adolescent crooner
Understands this
Though he's still otherwise a loser.

ph7 February 17, 2011 at 8:11 am

Nicely done.

foog February 17, 2011 at 11:17 pm

I wonder if it's even possible to come up with a more dissimilar Canuckistani pairing…

Tom Green and Norman Bethune?
The Arcade Fire and Nickelback?
John Candy and Céline Dion?
Neil Young and David Frum?

OC_Surf_Serf February 16, 2011 at 4:48 pm

How can Justin really be Canadian…there is no 'a' in his name!

(PS My 11-year old daughter is in love with this boy…at least the little fart can play guitar, drums, etc pretty damned well….oops..sorry my dear Wonketteers…had some Beiber fever, but I am better)

Maman February 16, 2011 at 5:31 pm

I am sorry to tell you this, but I have been informed by my 16-year old daughter that Master Beiber is my future son-in-law. Try to let your daughter down gently.

SorosBot February 16, 2011 at 5:35 pm

That reminds me of how at least half the girls in my seventh-eighth grade were convinced they were the future Mrs. George Michael.

Maman February 16, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Does that make Selena Gomez Brooke Shields?

Beowoof February 16, 2011 at 6:29 pm

Well maybe if they drove a truck, hung around parks and had a penis they may have shot these days.

Lascauxcaveman February 16, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Lol at your 16-year-old daughter. When I teasingly asked my 14-year-old daughter why there's no Justin Bieber on her iPod, she said simply, "Justin Bieber is an idiot."

But from what I've read above, he seems significantly brighter than, say, your average Republican senator.

neiltheblaze February 16, 2011 at 6:49 pm

A low, low bar – but true.

OC_Surf_Serf February 16, 2011 at 7:09 pm

I want to humbly thank my fellow Wonks…you all just may understand how it is to be living in a house with 3 teenage daughters. (shhhh…I secretly like Katy Perry, too…, but for far different reasons.)

HurricaneAli February 16, 2011 at 8:18 pm

Haha, Beiber Fever thread!

My husband was talking to our 12-year old niece on the phone the other day and said something like, "so, uh, you kids are listening to Justin Bieber, right? You like Justin Bieber?" And there is this dead pause and then the most frosty, "no," ever. "It was like being shot with a freeze ray through the phone," he said later.

Zvi_Bleindmeis February 16, 2011 at 8:23 pm

(shhhh…I secretly like Katy Perry, too…, but for far different reasons.)

A lot of us have a thing for Katy "The Refrigerator" Perry.

GOPCrusher February 17, 2011 at 11:12 am

I still harbor a grudge against Mike Ditka for not letting Walton Payton score a touchdown in the 85 Super Bowl, but he let the Fridge score.

teebob2000 February 17, 2011 at 12:13 pm

I hate hate HATE the Bears, but was heartbroken for Walter when Dick-ka pulled that shit and let that talentless alcoholic fat fuck run the TD. Asshole.

horsedreamer_1 February 16, 2011 at 8:36 pm

The video for "Teenage Dream" is the best soft-focus soft-core porn since USA Network took away "Up All Nite".

ShaveTheWhales February 17, 2011 at 4:22 pm

Both of them, Charlie?

SorosBot February 16, 2011 at 4:49 pm

The teabaggers are confused; they're all ready to burn their crying little daughtes' Bieber CDs, but then they see the anti-choice comments and aren't sure what to do.

BarryOPotter February 16, 2011 at 5:07 pm

…but then they see the anti-choice comments and aren't sure what to do.

If you listen closely, you can hear the faintest *CLANK!* emanating from their earholes as their brain-gears freeze up. [This problem is usually solved by a corn-syrup lube from a sip or 82,000 of soda.]

Clancy_Pants February 16, 2011 at 6:16 pm

Hopefully their heads will explode. Kindof like when Kirk and Spock mindfuck Landru (the computer) into destroying itself by convincing it that it has violated it's own prime directive in "The Return of the Archons".

tunamelt February 16, 2011 at 4:49 pm

You'd think a young lesbian like Justin Beiber would be more interested in women's issues.

BarryOPotter February 16, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Maybe she hasn't accepted herself yet, you know, learned to love herself just as she is, which is surprising being Canadian and having a loving parent in her corner…

assistantatlas February 16, 2011 at 8:20 pm

Well, why the fuck would a lesbian need an abortion, anyway? I learned in health class that the possible consequences of scissoring do not include pregnancy.

BerkeleyBear February 16, 2011 at 4:49 pm

That's it – time to restart the War of 1812 and invade (except for Quebec – I don't want anything to do with those not-quite French freaks).

ManchuCandidate February 16, 2011 at 4:55 pm

If I recall, it didn't go well for you guys on land. Something about burning down the White House.

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] February 16, 2011 at 5:02 pm

Maybe we can convince them to burn down congress this time.

Fare la Volpe February 16, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Or just the House.

Ducksworthy February 16, 2011 at 5:17 pm

Chain the doors shut first.

BerkeleyBear February 16, 2011 at 6:33 pm

Details, details. Andy Jackson whipped the shit out of the Brits in New Orleans, and that's what matters – and no goddamn treaty, history book or timeline is going to convince me otherwise.

Plus, while they burned it, they didn't burn it down to the ground, proving again the superiority of American (slave) construction.

Fare la Volpe February 16, 2011 at 6:35 pm

I think Talking Heads did a song about that.

mayor_quimby February 16, 2011 at 9:34 pm

Not cool man! Total dick move!
(upfisted, of course)
Damn, this Manchu dude is good….

imissopus February 17, 2011 at 1:05 am

The Brits did that. The Canadians were all up there going "Oh, I need another minie ball for my breech-loading musket, eh?"

gurukalehuru February 16, 2011 at 5:03 pm

Go to YouTube. Look for "The War of 1812" by "Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie"

straighteight February 16, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Who can forget Leonard Cohen's classic track, "I Left a Woman Waiting at Planned Parenthood."

Extemporanus February 16, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Or "Bird on the Wire Hanger"?

Billmatic February 17, 2011 at 9:35 am

Ah, there is no comfort in the covens of the witch,
Some very clever doctor went and sterilized the bitch,
And the only man of energy, yes the revolution's pride,
He trained a hundred women just to kill an unborn child.

AND THERE. ARE. NO. DIAMONDS!!! IN YOUR MINE!!!!

weejee February 16, 2011 at 4:50 pm

da Beeb, da Beeb, da Beeb, Beeb, Beeb. Bieb, too, also.

Cicada February 16, 2011 at 4:53 pm

At last, a worthy foe for the teabagging masses.

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] February 16, 2011 at 5:03 pm

It's the clash of the fucking titans, alright.

Dear god do I need a drink right now.

AngryBlakGuy February 16, 2011 at 5:04 pm

…I would take a hoard of screaming hormonal tweens over a bunch of colonial costume wearing freaks any day!

Cicada February 16, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Agreed. At least the hormonal screaming tweens have focused their unnatural lusts on a living human being, and not the dessicated corpse of Ayn Rand.

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] February 16, 2011 at 5:17 pm

Plus, at least being a tweenager is something you grow out of.

Gopherit February 16, 2011 at 5:25 pm

I dunno. The way Bieber talks, I think he'd pork Ayn.

x111e7thst February 16, 2011 at 4:53 pm

So is Bieber smarter than the average Repuke? Now I'm confused. Anyway he is much cuter so that has to count for something.

Worthly Wokette Skum February 16, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Bieber is smarter that a lot of folks:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ns5nZ3NElk

lulzmonger February 17, 2011 at 4:43 am

The stuff I cleaned out of my fridge yesterday is smarter than the average Repuke. Also cuter.

But I have to admit the boy has photogenic to spare: if I was gay or female, & MUCH less prehistoric, I'd definitely hit it like the fist of an angry god.

Gopherit February 16, 2011 at 4:55 pm

"In Canada, if your baby’s premature, he stays in the hospital as long as he needs to, and then you go home."

But if you work for Justin Bieber, you're shit out of luck if you expect health insurance.

I hate that little fuck.

ManchuCandidate February 16, 2011 at 4:57 pm

That part I don't get either.

Cicada February 16, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Maybe his bodyguard's baby was born before he worked for Bieber? Also, he's 16. I doubt he makes the decisions about his staff's benefit packages.

I hate that I just expended valuable seconds thinking about this, BTW.

Gopherit February 16, 2011 at 5:07 pm

You defended Bieber. That should be shame enough.

Jason_inthe_Peg February 16, 2011 at 5:09 pm

I''m sure the Bieb thanks you for coming to his defense. I will too with a fist up.

DarwinianDemon February 16, 2011 at 6:10 pm

lulz, yeah. "I had to make my bodyguard work on CHRISTMAS to pay for his baby…hated to do it, but you know…"

fuflans February 16, 2011 at 6:32 pm

i read that as saying his bodyguard's health insurance won't cover premature births. sure seems like something The Greatest HealthCare Insurance In The World would do.*

* this is in no way a defense of the bieber fab. that utterly baffles me and though i am something of a cougar i draw the line at six year olds.

Dashboard_Jesus February 16, 2011 at 10:16 pm

yeah that was my read too, my guess is the bodyguard DOES have health insurance but like any REAL 'Merkan knows the insurance company denied paying for the premie cuz it was a PRE-EXISTING CONDITION!

fuflans February 17, 2011 at 12:04 am

republicans: defending the unborn and the pre-existing against all heathens.

imissopus February 17, 2011 at 1:00 am

Or possibly the bodyguard works for one of those companies that contracts to provide security for celebrities, and so whatever Bieber business manager hired them has nothing to do with his benefits.

But still, shut up you little nerd.

jus_wonderin February 16, 2011 at 4:55 pm

I don't know how this boy can manage his time so well. Just this week he was building a dam at the spillway of my pond. Industrious little cherub, that one.

nounverb911 February 16, 2011 at 5:05 pm

That was Michelle Malkin as the beaver.

Maman February 16, 2011 at 5:20 pm

That wasn't the word I think of in association with Michelle Malkin.

trampndirtdown February 16, 2011 at 5:22 pm

Ratfucker?

Maman February 16, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Not exactly… although the letters "T", "C", and "U" are involved.

Angry_Marmot February 16, 2011 at 9:28 pm

Was it the flat, scaly tail?

lulzmonger February 17, 2011 at 4:47 am

Those teeth can saw through a mature tree-trunk in minutes flat … & all the lumber-chomping is what keeps them so white.

Cat_Damon February 16, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Bieber likes Canadian health care. Sarah Palin likes Canadian health care. Bieber = Palin. Go ahead. Try and argue with that logic. You can't.

Redhead February 16, 2011 at 4:59 pm

He can't see Russia from his house?

widestanceroman February 16, 2011 at 5:07 pm

So you're saying that JB is Trig's mother or Trig's father?

Cat_Damon February 16, 2011 at 5:09 pm

I don't see why this can't be an "and/or" situation

DashboardBuddha February 16, 2011 at 5:23 pm

Logic comes in, logic goes out. It can't be explained.

Dashboard_Jesus February 16, 2011 at 10:21 pm

"the penis rolls in, the baby rolls out, who can explain it?" ~ Billdo Reilly

SayItWithWookies February 16, 2011 at 4:57 pm

It's historically impossible for a country to be the greatest in the world if, instead of having a war for independence, they had a parliamentary motion. And even though they gave us Neil Young, they made up for it with Shatner, so that's even.

ManchuCandidate February 16, 2011 at 4:59 pm

But you guys are still reeling from the Celine Dion weapon we dropped on Vegas so we win… sort of.

jus_wonderin February 16, 2011 at 5:02 pm

I just love the cute way you pronounce your Ou's. Eh?

Monsieur_Grumpe February 16, 2011 at 5:07 pm

I surrender.
Now where's my free health care?

emmelemm February 16, 2011 at 5:26 pm

Oooh! Good one.

"Please take me as a prisoner of war, kthnx." At least Canada probably still observes the Geneva Convention stuff, whereas America is about two baby steps from treating all its citizens like Gitmo detainees.

bureaucrap February 16, 2011 at 5:34 pm

I think you meant "two steps beyond."

Amo_of_Bogio February 16, 2011 at 5:01 pm

You insult the Shat, this sir, means war. We'll be along presently to burn down your white house – if that's ok with you and not too inconvenient.

nounverb911 February 16, 2011 at 5:08 pm

We already fought that war. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Canadian_Bacon

SorosBot February 16, 2011 at 5:38 pm

But the US-Canadian war never happened, because Satan rewrote history to prevent it as a favor to the little boy who made him realize his relationship with Saddam Hussein was abusive.

SayItWithWookies February 16, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Good luck with that — Pierre L'Enfant's diabolical traffic circles have been keeping the White House safe since 1812, so consider yourselves warned.

jus_wonderin February 16, 2011 at 6:01 pm

And the fight soundtrack starts up:

"Da da da da dadadada, da da da da dadadada……."

Jason_inthe_Peg February 16, 2011 at 5:10 pm

I can't get behind this.

trampndirtdown February 16, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Who's going to make up for Alan Thicke?

GOPCrusher February 16, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Rush?

elviouslyqueer February 16, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Diana Krall, obvs.

trampndirtdown February 16, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Oooh I like her.

sati_demise February 16, 2011 at 6:25 pm

k d lang

Beowoof February 16, 2011 at 6:39 pm

I am Buffalo Sabres fan and can say for me Gilbert Perrault made up for Shatner, Thick, et al.

Angry_Marmot February 16, 2011 at 9:31 pm

Gordon Lightfoot, Robertson Davies and Kids in the Hall FTW.

Beowoof February 17, 2011 at 9:56 am

Burton Cummings does a nice parody of Gordon Lightfoot,.

cheaphits February 16, 2011 at 5:56 pm

Canada had the best T.V. series evar –

Trailer Park Boys

fuflans February 16, 2011 at 6:35 pm

i would plump for 'slings and arrows' myself.

ManchuCandidate February 16, 2011 at 6:58 pm

Good one Mr Lahey.

lulzmonger February 17, 2011 at 4:55 am

Nuh-uh!
SCTV FTW!

Although their Bob & Doug Mackenzie "Great White North" skit was the original source of all the "take off, eh, you hoser" horseshit … Guy Caballero & Count Floyd more than made up for it.

Native_of_SL_UT February 16, 2011 at 6:09 pm

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're gonna die.

horsedreamer_1 February 16, 2011 at 8:50 pm

The Shat is just fine, thank you.

Gopherit February 16, 2011 at 4:58 pm

He actually said, when asked about abortions in cases of rape, ""Um. Well, I think that's really sad, but everything happens for a reason."

Wow. I didn't think anyone could say something more fucking stupid than the House republicans who made the distinction of "forceable rape." Way to go Bieber. Too bad you aren't American, you'd have a career in politics here.

DashboardBuddha February 16, 2011 at 5:27 pm

So…if I dope slap him so hard that his eyes pop out, he'd be cool with it 'cuz everything happens for a reason?

bureaucrap February 16, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Sounds sorta like Rumsfeld: "You go to birthin' with the fetus you have…."

ChessieNefercat February 16, 2011 at 6:04 pm

Well, the complete quote is "Um. Well, I think that's really sad, but everything happens for a reason. I guess I haven't been in that position, so I wouldn't be able to judge that."

In other words, he can see, even at 16, that maybe judging other people might not be a great idea, as well as contemplate two opposing concepts at the same time. I think there might be hope for him as he matures, especially if he begins to associate supporters of the hellish US health system with anti-choicers.

I can't believe I'm discussing the political wisdom of this Bieber person. I'm not sure I have even heard one of his songs. He sings, right?

ChessieNefercat February 16, 2011 at 6:10 pm

Oh, never mind. I read some of the other comments and apparently he's a little jerk? I'm so glad my daughter is 25.

DarwinianDemon February 16, 2011 at 6:12 pm

Was she into NKOTB? DONNY FOREVERZ!

AngryBlakGuy February 16, 2011 at 4:59 pm

…against abortion?! I wonder if he will feel the same way once his testicles descend?!

Tommmcatt February 16, 2011 at 5:03 pm

Somehow I don't think his sex partners are going to have to worry about pregnancy so much. I had the same feeling about Ricky Martin back in the day…

Beowoof February 16, 2011 at 6:40 pm

Wait until he starts getting those paternity suits, everything changes on the front.

jim89048 February 16, 2011 at 7:40 pm

As he himself has observed, everything happens for a reason.

DaRooster February 16, 2011 at 4:59 pm

The gall, "… my bodyguard's baby… blah blah… he has to pay for it… blah blah…" sheesh.
Healthcare, Smealthcare…

Texan_Bulldog February 16, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Ward, don't be so hard on the Bieb.

(Actually I despise his music & his hair–get that shit out of your eyes(!) but love a good Leave it to Beaver reference.)

Maman February 16, 2011 at 5:23 pm

I want to deploy strategic barrettes.

bitchincamaro2 February 16, 2011 at 6:27 pm

For real. Let us know when he weighs in on the national haircare debate. And long live Eddie Haskel!

Beowoof February 16, 2011 at 6:41 pm

And I have always appreciated a nice beaver.

Tommmcatt February 16, 2011 at 5:02 pm

How long until Michelle Malkin gets arrested for hanging around Bieber's hotel room with a butcher knife and a copy of Atlas Shrugged, I wonder…

MsElla February 16, 2011 at 5:02 pm

He sounds like a real little prick. And he's anti-abortion? Let's see how long that lasts when / if he knocks up an underage fan.

Extemporanus February 16, 2011 at 5:41 pm

I can second-handedly vouch for that "little prick" assessment:

My wife works for an ad agency that unfortunately counts as a client one whose campaign of terror is centered around celebutard testimonials delivered by musician-esque spokestweens and twunts (Jessica Simpson, Avril Lavigne, Katy Perry, to name but a few).

The overwhelming consensus of her team after shooting the Bieb's spot was that he was the most spoiled, self-centered, egotistical little shit with whom they had ever had the displeasure of working. To wit: He threatened (repeatedly) to have everyone on the set fired (which he could do "with the snap of his fingers") because, among other things, his hairdresser was not provided with a chauffeured limo to use throughout the day as she saw fit.

And, yes, he is indeed an evangelical Christian.

Eve8Apples February 16, 2011 at 5:43 pm

My thoughts exactly. Wait 'til the little preggers sue his Canadian ass for child support.

OkieDokieDog February 16, 2011 at 5:05 pm

I wonder how many GOP/Teaparty/ChristianConservatives are beating off their beebs to Da Beib?

littlebigdaddy February 16, 2011 at 5:06 pm

True story: I was living in a remote Native village in the Canadian north in the mid-80s. They had a sattelite dish and in those days they got 4 Detroit channels as part of their lineup (as well as one Mexican porn channel). They saw some f'ed up shit, and had a very skewed idea of the US. They thought Americans routinely engaged in arson and mayhem. But Justin's right–we love us some unequal access to health care and abortions.

SexySmurf February 16, 2011 at 5:13 pm

Was one of those channels Videodrome?

DemmeFatale February 16, 2011 at 5:28 pm

So true. When we lived in Toronto, (and got local Buffalo TV), Canadians always wanted to know why the U.S. was the four-alarm fire capitol of the world.

(BTW: Nice Boston.)

Maman February 16, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Ha! When I lived outside of Buffalo, I used to get to watch ads about Canadians having to be nice to their Francophone neighbors and watch The Trouble With Tracy on CTV.

littlebigdaddy February 16, 2011 at 5:56 pm

I share that with Michael Steele–a love of Bostons.

cdnpoof February 17, 2011 at 4:57 pm

Burn North Tonawanda! Burn!

littlebigdaddy February 16, 2011 at 5:55 pm

Yeah, seemed like there was always heavy shit going on in North Tonawanda.

Beowoof February 16, 2011 at 6:46 pm

You want real nasty shit go up the road to Niagara Falls NY, what a shit hole, and I grew up there, and it has gotten worse.

twaingirl February 16, 2011 at 9:17 pm

That and Lewiston, the "secret" nuclear dump, which is where I lived. Can't say I miss any of it, except for maybe the easy escape to Toronto.

AngryBlakGuy February 16, 2011 at 5:58 pm

…please tell me more about this "Mexican Porn Channel" speak of

littlebigdaddy February 16, 2011 at 6:20 pm

Yeah, this was back in the day when a satellite dish could pick up anything, as long as you pointed it to the right satellite. It was hard-core stuff, and this was in a community that had had no media other than AM radio two or three years earlier.

AngryBlakGuy February 16, 2011 at 6:47 pm

…do you mean 2 guys and one girl kinda "hardcore" or do you mean donkey show "HARDCORE!!!"?

littlebigdaddy February 16, 2011 at 7:34 pm

The former, but even that was a little much for 80 year old Indian grannies!

Monsieur_Grumpe February 16, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Wait till he gets some groupie named Susie Creamcheese knocked up. He’ll change his mind on abortion.

CapnFatback February 16, 2011 at 5:16 pm

It doesn't take Einstein to know that he should at least encourage Susie to get a Pap Shmear.

LionelHutzEsq February 16, 2011 at 5:38 pm

All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You’re just inconvenienced.

–David Cross

Jason_inthe_Peg February 16, 2011 at 6:01 pm

No he won't. He'll just have to pay extra hush money until his hypocrisy is no longer secret.

Then he'll sue her for breach of contract.

Steverino247 February 16, 2011 at 9:12 pm

Suzy? Suzy Creamcheese? Who got into you, baby?

prommie February 16, 2011 at 5:07 pm

I read this, this story about the chirpings of this lad, and I must say, not a fuck was given. Not one fuck, not one.

GOPCrusher February 16, 2011 at 5:32 pm

Me either. I can honestly say that up until six months ago, I had no idea who this little shit was and can hold my head up proudly that I have never heard any of his music. And the only reason I found out who he was, was someone forwarded me a You Tube link of him getting smoked in the head by a water bottle that was chucked at him from the crowd.
I LOL'd, in fact I'm chuckling just thinking about it now.

gullywompr February 16, 2011 at 10:35 pm

Six months ago he was fetus. Now he's a sage.

PalinPussyPower February 16, 2011 at 5:08 pm

So much time and effort spent to bring down the teabaggers, and all it took was a tween hearththrob to mobilize a mass of horomonally charged teenage girls. This is why liberals are such losers. We can't even figure out shit like this.

widestanceroman February 16, 2011 at 5:10 pm

I hate that he stole Jane Fonda's look from 'Klute.'

nounverb911 February 16, 2011 at 5:12 pm

Bieb?
Isn't "Top Gear" on the beeb.

Beowoof February 16, 2011 at 6:49 pm

Now that might be interesting watching the lads chase him down with the latest BMW sports machine.

mayor_quimby February 16, 2011 at 9:54 pm

Some say he only eats at Tim Horton's. Others say he claims Detroit is the 7th circle of hell.
All we know is he's called the Bieb!

littlebigdaddy February 16, 2011 at 5:12 pm

And you know he's going to end up living in LA like most of his countrymen. The Quebecers go to Myrtle Beach (they feel at home with its tackiness), the Olds go to Florida for 6 months a year, and everyone else goes to LA. This would include the sublime Joni Mitchell and the less-so Howie Mandel.

PresBeeblebrox February 16, 2011 at 10:15 pm

Those Quebecois unable to live in Myrtle Beach spend their summer vacation in Wildwood, NJ. Tackier and closer.

jus_wonderin February 16, 2011 at 5:14 pm

The best part about fame (if this is it) is the ability to buy your detractors. So, if a republitard counters JB on his socialist stance the JB can just say….hey, I can buy you.

MinAgain February 16, 2011 at 5:17 pm

Where are his parents?

DashboardBuddha February 16, 2011 at 5:24 pm

He doesn't need to worry about them. He's actually like a white Gary Coleman and he's actually 35.

Cicada February 16, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Sleeping on a pile of money?

jus_wonderin February 16, 2011 at 5:44 pm

I can't look. Are they making another cash cow, uh, I mean Justin?

Jason_inthe_Peg February 16, 2011 at 6:07 pm
MissTaken February 16, 2011 at 6:24 pm

Sadly, the same question is rarely posed for Willow, Piper, Trig, and Tripp.

neiltheblaze February 16, 2011 at 7:11 pm

Counting their percentages.

ms_mcgee February 16, 2011 at 11:50 pm

He aborted them.

Oldskool_ February 16, 2011 at 5:18 pm

It was a decent career while it lasted. Or so I hear.

jus_wonderin February 16, 2011 at 5:19 pm

Fun Craft Project:

Glue
Tongue depressor
Small photo cutout of young Jane Fonda (not looking like JB)

Worthly Wokette Skum February 16, 2011 at 5:23 pm

John Boehner?
James Buchanan?
Jason Bourne?
Jack Bauer?
James Brown?

Beowoof February 16, 2011 at 6:48 pm

I think it was the Scotch.

widestanceroman February 16, 2011 at 5:23 pm

Please accept an upfist as condolence.

DashboardBuddha February 16, 2011 at 5:28 pm

I propose we replace "yada yada yada" with "bieber bieber bieber".

neiltheblaze February 16, 2011 at 7:13 pm

blah blah blah – beiber, beiber, beiber

neiltheblaze February 16, 2011 at 7:15 pm

I can't spell Bieber

Weenus299 February 16, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Rolling Stone didn't even get to the part where he's more popular than Jesus.

Beowoof February 16, 2011 at 6:51 pm

Were they able to reach Jeebus for a comment?

i_like_tigers February 16, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Bieber's documentary is currently the THIRD highest grossing documentary ever in US box office totals. America has spoken.

DRAFT BIEBER4PREZ.

Beowoof February 16, 2011 at 6:52 pm

And McDonalds, Burger King and Wendy's are consider restaurants by many Americans. I just wish most Americans would shut the fuck up.

i_like_tigers February 16, 2011 at 7:06 pm

Those are "fifth date" kind of restaurants for me. Gotta make a girl work for it, ya know? Also, since I don't have healthcare I just eat some McNuggets every 8 hours whenever I get sick.

"Leave it to Bieber – 2012"

PresBeeblebrox February 16, 2011 at 10:16 pm

WHEREZ TEH BEEBZ BURTH SURTIFIKAT??

LionelHutzEsq February 16, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Guess we know who still is a virgin…..

nounverb911 February 16, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Ann Coulter?

MissTaken February 16, 2011 at 6:25 pm

Joe Lieberman?

meufchelou February 16, 2011 at 6:30 pm

Brian Kilmeade?

MoeDeLawn February 16, 2011 at 6:56 pm

You know who else was a virgin?

LionelHutzEsq February 16, 2011 at 7:05 pm

Hitler?

Jesus?

The last Prostitute that David Vitter had diaper him?

lulzmonger February 17, 2011 at 5:05 am

Mary?

shirleyplz February 16, 2011 at 5:42 pm

isn't that Europe burning in that Blingee? why does Da Berb hate Europe.
Europe is burning cuz of Berlusconi's penis hanging out, ok.

PublicLuxury February 16, 2011 at 5:44 pm

This Beiber person has usurped the Jonas Brothers in America's preteen heart. Deport him. He's obvious an illegal Canadian Mexican Kenyan socialist barbarian communist no birf certificate Irish nincompoop or something.

jackannapolis February 16, 2011 at 5:48 pm

Either Ken is out in the desert eating mushrooms and posting to Wonkette, or he has a very bad ghost writer. Where is the less angry, more cutting and insightful Layne?

Ken Layne February 16, 2011 at 6:06 pm

Ask your mom.

Tommmcatt February 16, 2011 at 6:14 pm

Oh, Ken, you got an upfist for that one.

jackannapolis February 16, 2011 at 9:16 pm

Why? She stopped reading Wonkette when the ginger took off.

sati_demise February 16, 2011 at 6:29 pm

who you talkin 'bout?

Cicada February 16, 2011 at 5:50 pm

It just occurred to me: some reporter for Rolling Stone thought it was worthwhile to ask DA BIEB what he thought about weighty issues like health care reform and abortion in cases of rape.

I wonder if that reporter has come out of their shame spiral yet, or if they're locked in a bathroom somewhere weeping softly into a bag of Cheetos.

Cat_Damon February 16, 2011 at 5:57 pm

"weeping softly into a bag of Cheetos"

I didn't realize Rush Limbaugh wrote for Rolling Stone.

Beowoof February 16, 2011 at 6:53 pm

I thought it was Boehner softening them up for his nightly Cheeto rub.

Rotundo_ February 16, 2011 at 7:10 pm

It's a short slide from Rolling Stone to Tiger Beat and the poor bastard no doubt has looked over the edge into the abyss. And it smelled like teen spirit.

gef05 February 16, 2011 at 5:58 pm

Oooo. I've been looking for a new fake name to troll with.

Signed,

Inda Uterus

bflrtsplk February 16, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Hey Justin. Don't like abortion? Don't have one.

DarwinianDemon February 16, 2011 at 6:07 pm

So according to Bieber rape "happens for a reason".

Why did Rolling Stone ask him this? He could barely field Conan's questions about his hair.

LionelHutzEsq February 16, 2011 at 7:06 pm

The bigger question is: How many groupies has he said that to?

sportshort February 16, 2011 at 6:13 pm

I don't care what he says, he's dreeeeeeeaaammmmy. And I'm straight. I swear.

Gorillionaire February 16, 2011 at 6:14 pm

Did Rolling Stone get Bieb's opinions on farm subsidies or the fat "research" subsidies that get paid to oil companies? No? Well then what are we supposed to think, then, Rolling Stone! Sheesh!

HolyMaracas February 16, 2011 at 6:15 pm

If America is stupid enough to listen to what a 15-yr old Canadian girl has to say about politics, then being "evil" should be the least of our worries.

mourningnmerica February 16, 2011 at 8:39 pm

That point was already proved when Wash U. invited Bristol to be a panelist.

PuckStopsHere February 17, 2011 at 12:03 am

My high school daughter–the smart one with the all "A's" 'n all–just got a mailer from Wash U and we laughed and laughed…

Wilcoxyz February 16, 2011 at 6:15 pm

So this little sperm burp is the Canadian Kirk Cameron?

MissTaken February 16, 2011 at 6:23 pm

Ok, all of us Wonketteers who actually get this need to hang our heads in collective shame. Yes, me included.

Beowoof February 16, 2011 at 6:25 pm

The fiend, now republican tween girls will not be allowed to worship him.

sezme February 16, 2011 at 6:26 pm

Hair [sic]-brained teen idol's positions on political issues not very well-considered.

In other news…

keepem_sikanpor February 16, 2011 at 6:26 pm

Sponge Bob and hearts! Everything will be all right.

Radiotherapy February 16, 2011 at 6:29 pm

This is why we must defend our Northern border!!1!

owhatever February 16, 2011 at 6:30 pm

Who?

sati_demise February 16, 2011 at 6:32 pm

What does he think about gay marriage?

(I watched the Grammys, was happy he didnt win best new artist, and was surprised by how good his performance at the show was, so, Usher really made him work, obvsly)

Beowoof February 16, 2011 at 6:36 pm

I have seen many red states and thank God for Buffalo.

meufchelou February 16, 2011 at 6:38 pm

Sorry Justin, but I just can't take my eyes off those dreaamy certified personal trainers.

fuflans February 16, 2011 at 6:42 pm

sheesshhh! it's just getting easier and easier to blame canada.

who do they think they are france?

RedneckMuslin February 16, 2011 at 6:44 pm

Get off my lawn, kid!!!!

DemmeFatale February 16, 2011 at 7:45 pm

I love how Bieber fever has replaced Palin wailin' on Wonkette.
(At least for now.)

Ken Layne February 21, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Goon From the North Country

GeorgiaPeachy February 16, 2011 at 7:45 pm

He's the new William Shatner.

zappadoo76 February 16, 2011 at 7:51 pm

Every cougar in America wants to molest this kid, and he isn't grateful? Shame on Justin! USA! USA! USA!

mourningnmerica February 16, 2011 at 8:41 pm

I thought we were dropping the U-S-A chant, and replacing it with B-M-I.

BarackMyWorld February 16, 2011 at 10:10 pm

Bieb needs to get laid a few times before he gets to have an opinion on pregnancy.

Troubledog February 16, 2011 at 10:27 pm

I see how it is. RS is pandering and looking for drama when they troll proto-adolescent Bieber about weighty issues like knocking up girls.

But they are heroes or valiant journos (hahaha of which none still exist) when they troll Stanley McChrystal about being bossed by some suits in DC and a black community organizer.

C'mon folks.

gullywompr February 16, 2011 at 10:36 pm

Canada! Fuck yeah!!!11!!

moar_plz February 16, 2011 at 11:09 pm

The Teabaggers are going to do to Bieber what Bieber fans did to Esperanza Spalding. Funny, I never made the connection between a Bagger tantrum and a 12 year old girl tantrum. They're remarkably similar, aren't they?

slowhansolo February 17, 2011 at 12:12 am

You guys are missing the point. As long as he says he hates abortion, he can say anything other crazy thing he wants and still be forgiven by his ilk. I predict they will actually praise his patriotism, because that's just kind of Rovian cognitive dissonance bullshit that they simply eat up.

MiniMencken February 17, 2011 at 2:14 am

If you've never been to one of those live Bieber shows they have in that string of seedy Canadian border towns along the 49th Parallel, with their unctuous, makinaw-jacketed ticket takers, the poutine-shilling waitresses reeking of cheap maple syrup and their Ukrainian bouncers in their embroidered shirts, you really are not qualified to be commenting here.

Negropolis February 17, 2011 at 2:29 am

I'm glad he's for Canadian health care, because after he forces his women to bear his bastard children, they are going to need it.

Remember, Bieber's a good "Christian" boy. **gag** Honestly, he's from a large, rural town in the boonies of Southern Ontario that isn't even remotely close to a freeway exist, and was born to a white-trash mother and an absent father who's only now back in the picture because he's taking in shitloads of money. I didn't judge until he came in with all of the Christian shit, which he does from time to time.

lulzmonger February 17, 2011 at 5:14 am

16 or 61, it's pretty easy to be a raging Ignint McNugget when you have swimming pools full of money.

One of my certified "Trashcan Roulette Cuisine" reality-tutorial workshops would straighten that boy out REAL good in about three days, tops.

PhilippePetain February 17, 2011 at 12:45 pm

Dude's bodyguard has a premature baby and little lord Fauntleroy over here is bitching about it instead of helping a brother???

axmxz February 17, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Hey, a soprano's a soprano.

ghblowhard February 20, 2011 at 10:26 pm

kids say the "darndest" things

emmelemm February 16, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Touché.

nounverb911 February 16, 2011 at 6:02 pm

Malkin's from Texas? She does look a little like a horned frog.

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