THE WAY CONFOUNDS  4:30 pm February 16, 2011

Stunning Enlightenment of Alvin Greene Renders CNN Incapable of Doing Math

by Jack Stuef

Surprise candidate Alvin Greene was soundly defeated in his second bid for elective office on Tuesday. He captured only 37 votes or just about .01% of the 3,892 cast in a Democratic primary to fill a state legislature seat to cover an area including his hometown of Manning, South Carolina.

37 is a lot more than .01% of 3,892, but we wouldn’t expect a CNN “producer” to perform at such a high grade level, based on what we saw yesterday. Math is hard, especially when you try to be so fucking Confucian about it. [CNN via Alex Hart]

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ManchuCandidate February 16, 2011 at 4:34 pm

They're just like Faux Newz! Congratulations.

Redhead February 16, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Faux News probably would have added, "Meanwhile, Sarah Palin garnered an impressive 37% of the vote, narrowly losing to Kevin Johnson, who got 82% of the vote from his home in New Orleans, SC."

But still pretty close.

PresBeeblebrox February 17, 2011 at 12:40 am

Or, like Xine O'Witchcraft on election night when she lost by 16 points to Yale Divinity: "We have won!" Just go from wingnut spin to batshit crazy alternate-reality logic in one fell swoop.

PristineODummy February 17, 2011 at 1:37 pm

It SO wuz NOT a swell foop.

MinAgain February 16, 2011 at 4:38 pm

It's Jethro math. "Aught times aught equals aught."

user-of-owls February 16, 2011 at 6:32 pm

Maybe. Or maybe naught.

weejee February 16, 2011 at 6:41 pm

That's it. To correct the CNN maths you have to be naughty naughty. But what the hell they're only zeros.

PresBeeblebrox February 17, 2011 at 12:42 am

And aught divided by aught equals OH SHI- as all reality collapses in on you.

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] February 16, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our reporters learning?

BarryOPotter February 16, 2011 at 4:50 pm

The question isn't asked anymore, because the answer is known… Wait, what was the question?

ShaveTheWhales February 17, 2011 at 4:13 pm

Are our journamalists putting food on their families?

bumfug February 16, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Rick Sanchez took the calculator with him when he left.

KenLayIsAlive February 19, 2011 at 6:39 pm

he didn't want any jews using it, I guess.

BarryOPotter February 16, 2011 at 4:40 pm

"Do I just use the decimal? Maybe the percent sign is enough. I'll just use them both! Belt & suspenders, like granddad use to say…"

BerkeleyBear February 16, 2011 at 4:47 pm

Ding ding ding! I can't understand how basic notation like this is so hard to follow, but I know they spent a lot of time on it in my son's 5th grade class.

SorosBot February 16, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Well they're only off by two factors of ten; that's no big deal, it's just like mixing up a decade with a millennium, minor.

mereoblivion February 16, 2011 at 5:15 pm

Don't forget that ultra-popular TV show, Who Wants To Be A Ten-Thousandaire?

tcaalaw February 17, 2011 at 10:13 am

Actually, they're off by a factor of 100 — 37 is approximately 1% of 3892 and 1% is 100 times greater than .01%.

horsedreamer_1 February 16, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Whatever the case: Greene definitely needs to start a shadow legislature.

nounverb911 February 16, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Instead of new math CNN is using new meth.

PublicLuxury February 16, 2011 at 4:46 pm

Percent is hard really really hard. You have to maybe multiply and maybe even divide and maybe press that funky key with the line and circles… Math is hard doncha know?

GOPCrusher February 16, 2011 at 4:52 pm

I'm shaking in anger that Alvin Greene is not being taken more seriously.

Amaravilha February 16, 2011 at 4:53 pm

37 is 100101 in binary, which is truly more than there are voters in Manning, SC.

37 is also a beautiful prime number. 3,892 is not.

37 is many things, both mysterious and sublime. Yea, it is greater than any petty politics, because numbers exist only in the ideal plane with Boddhisattvas like Alvin Greene. He smiles benignly on your simple mind unable to grasp the beauty of mathematics.

Oh, poor CNN intern, that you do not know the beauty and symmetry of different numeral systems. Or how to read a calculator.

emmelemm February 16, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Ah, such beautiful contemplations. Today I give you all the fists.

Native_of_SL_UT February 16, 2011 at 6:01 pm

37 is 5 short of the answer to life, the universe and everything.

edgydrifter February 16, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Fox said he was running for Mayor of Egypt, and HuffPo declared him the winner. Compared with the competition, CNN is doing some crackerjack reporting.

Barley_Brains February 16, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Pesky decimal points!

SayItWithWookies February 16, 2011 at 5:04 pm

The sum of the parts is greater than the whole — especially when you don't know how percentages work.

BornInATrailer February 16, 2011 at 5:05 pm

If we consider this as CNN raping mathematics, the theme can continue.

HistoriCat February 17, 2011 at 10:09 am

Mathematics was wearing a short skirt and had a few drinks, so yeah.

tcaalaw February 17, 2011 at 10:14 am

I think it is more of a "brutal and sustained assault" on mathematics.

chickensmack February 16, 2011 at 5:07 pm

I can hear Randal Graves, out of frame. "Thirty-seven?!"

doloras February 16, 2011 at 9:56 pm

*shlurp shlurp shlurp*

BornInATrailer February 17, 2011 at 12:52 pm

"…in a row?"

LionelHutzEsq February 16, 2011 at 5:29 pm

It was my understanding that there would be no math… during the debates..

cheaphits February 16, 2011 at 6:04 pm

Joe Miller called and told him that was grounds for a recount.

Chet Kincaid February 16, 2011 at 6:11 pm

O.T., but alright, who else is getting the Levi's Panty Test ad nonstop on their Wonkette? (I guess it's my fault, because I clicked through and spent precious minutes of my life configuring the most awesome behinds.) Anyway, D. all the way!

mavenmaven February 16, 2011 at 6:18 pm

I get something about some book called "heads will roll", I'd be happy to trade!

MissTaken February 16, 2011 at 6:32 pm

I don't know about a panty test, but the FIT Personal Trainer smiling at me again is definitely testing my panties!

Chet Kincaid February 16, 2011 at 7:06 pm

Ha! He does seem quite agreeable to the notion of helping you work it.

sezme February 16, 2011 at 6:24 pm

We exaggerate. You decide.

user-of-owls February 16, 2011 at 6:34 pm

Meh, call me when Alvin wins the Holocaust.

weejee February 16, 2011 at 6:48 pm

Maybe the CNN intern should take Alvin's place with the Chipmunks.

JustPixelz February 16, 2011 at 6:56 pm

As Fox has the Repubican audience, MSNBC the Demoncrats, CNN goes for the TP'ers using language only they can understand.

trampndirtdown February 16, 2011 at 8:46 pm

The channel that hired Erick Erickson and Dana Loesch to support Wolf Blitzer is slightly retarded. Well thanks for that news flash Jack.

PsycWench February 16, 2011 at 9:13 pm

In related news, a CNN commentator got into an argument with a store clerk when he insisted that the 30% off sale on a $200 garment meant he had to pay only $30.

Beanball February 16, 2011 at 10:40 pm

“Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.” ~ Gautama Siddharta

mrblifil February 16, 2011 at 11:02 pm

It works out to .01% if you take into account the number of non-whites who participated.

MiniMencken February 17, 2011 at 1:56 am

Just another perpetration by the Man, trying to keep the Brother down.

gurukalehuru February 21, 2011 at 7:37 am

Just two more votes and he'd have been in the real percents. Darn shame.

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