the way confounds

Stunning Enlightenment of Alvin Greene Renders CNN Incapable of Doing Math

Surprise candidate Alvin Greene was soundly defeated in his second bid for elective office on Tuesday. He captured only 37 votes or just about .01% of the 3,892 cast in a Democratic primary to fill a state legislature seat to cover an area including his hometown of Manning, South Carolina.

37 is a lot more than .01% of 3,892, but we wouldn’t expect a CNN “producer” to perform at such a high grade level, based on what we saw yesterday. Math is hard, especially when you try to be so fucking Confucian about it. [CNN via Alex Hart]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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    1. Redhead

      Faux News probably would have added, "Meanwhile, Sarah Palin garnered an impressive 37% of the vote, narrowly losing to Kevin Johnson, who got 82% of the vote from his home in New Orleans, SC."

      But still pretty close.

      1. PresBeeblebrox

        Or, like Xine O'Witchcraft on election night when she lost by 16 points to Yale Divinity: "We have won!" Just go from wingnut spin to batshit crazy alternate-reality logic in one fell swoop.

  1. BarryOPotter

    "Do I just use the decimal? Maybe the percent sign is enough. I'll just use them both! Belt & suspenders, like granddad use to say…"

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Ding ding ding! I can't understand how basic notation like this is so hard to follow, but I know they spent a lot of time on it in my son's 5th grade class.

      1. SorosBot

        Well they're only off by two factors of ten; that's no big deal, it's just like mixing up a decade with a millennium, minor.

        1. tcaalaw

          Actually, they're off by a factor of 100 — 37 is approximately 1% of 3892 and 1% is 100 times greater than .01%.

  2. PublicLuxury

    Percent is hard really really hard. You have to maybe multiply and maybe even divide and maybe press that funky key with the line and circles… Math is hard doncha know?

  3. Amaravilha

    37 is 100101 in binary, which is truly more than there are voters in Manning, SC.

    37 is also a beautiful prime number. 3,892 is not.

    37 is many things, both mysterious and sublime. Yea, it is greater than any petty politics, because numbers exist only in the ideal plane with Boddhisattvas like Alvin Greene. He smiles benignly on your simple mind unable to grasp the beauty of mathematics.

    Oh, poor CNN intern, that you do not know the beauty and symmetry of different numeral systems. Or how to read a calculator.

  4. edgydrifter

    Fox said he was running for Mayor of Egypt, and HuffPo declared him the winner. Compared with the competition, CNN is doing some crackerjack reporting.

  5. SayItWithWookies

    The sum of the parts is greater than the whole — especially when you don't know how percentages work.

  6. Chet Kincaid

    O.T., but alright, who else is getting the Levi's Panty Test ad nonstop on their Wonkette? (I guess it's my fault, because I clicked through and spent precious minutes of my life configuring the most awesome behinds.) Anyway, D. all the way!

    1. MissTaken

      I don't know about a panty test, but the FIT Personal Trainer smiling at me again is definitely testing my panties!

  7. PsycWench

    In related news, a CNN commentator got into an argument with a store clerk when he insisted that the 30% off sale on a $200 garment meant he had to pay only $30.

  8. Beanball

    “Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.” ~ Gautama Siddharta

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