the way confounds

Stunning Enlightenment of Alvin Greene Renders CNN Incapable of Doing Math

Surprise candidate Alvin Greene was soundly defeated in his second bid for elective office on Tuesday. He captured only 37 votes or just about .01% of the 3,892 cast in a Democratic primary to fill a state legislature seat to cover an area including his hometown of Manning, South Carolina.

37 is a lot more than .01% of 3,892, but we wouldn’t expect a CNN “producer” to perform at such a high grade level, based on what we saw yesterday. Math is hard, especially when you try to be so fucking Confucian about it. [CNN via Alex Hart]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    They're just like Faux Newz! Congratulations.

    • Redhead

      Faux News probably would have added, "Meanwhile, Sarah Palin garnered an impressive 37% of the vote, narrowly losing to Kevin Johnson, who got 82% of the vote from his home in New Orleans, SC."

      But still pretty close.

      • http://www.wonkette.com PresBeeblebrox

        Or, like Xine O'Witchcraft on election night when she lost by 16 points to Yale Divinity: "We have won!" Just go from wingnut spin to batshit crazy alternate-reality logic in one fell swoop.

        • PristineODummy

          It SO wuz NOT a swell foop.

  • MinAgain

    It's Jethro math. "Aught times aught equals aught."

    • user-of-owls

      Maybe. Or maybe naught.

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        That's it. To correct the CNN maths you have to be naughty naughty. But what the hell they're only zeros.

    • http://www.wonkette.com PresBeeblebrox

      And aught divided by aught equals OH SHI- as all reality collapses in on you.

  • Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

    Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our reporters learning?

    • BarryOPotter

      The question isn't asked anymore, because the answer is known… Wait, what was the question?

      • ShaveTheWhales

        Are our journamalists putting food on their families?

  • bumfug

    Rick Sanchez took the calculator with him when he left.

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      he didn't want any jews using it, I guess.

  • BarryOPotter

    "Do I just use the decimal? Maybe the percent sign is enough. I'll just use them both! Belt & suspenders, like granddad use to say…"

    • BerkeleyBear

      Ding ding ding! I can't understand how basic notation like this is so hard to follow, but I know they spent a lot of time on it in my son's 5th grade class.

      • SorosBot

        Well they're only off by two factors of ten; that's no big deal, it's just like mixing up a decade with a millennium, minor.

        • mereoblivion

          Don't forget that ultra-popular TV show, Who Wants To Be A Ten-Thousandaire?

        • tcaalaw

          Actually, they're off by a factor of 100 — 37 is approximately 1% of 3892 and 1% is 100 times greater than .01%.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Whatever the case: Greene definitely needs to start a shadow legislature.

  • nounverb911

    Instead of new math CNN is using new meth.

  • PublicLuxury

    Percent is hard really really hard. You have to maybe multiply and maybe even divide and maybe press that funky key with the line and circles… Math is hard doncha know?

  • GOPCrusher

    I'm shaking in anger that Alvin Greene is not being taken more seriously.

  • Amaravilha

    37 is 100101 in binary, which is truly more than there are voters in Manning, SC.

    37 is also a beautiful prime number. 3,892 is not.

    37 is many things, both mysterious and sublime. Yea, it is greater than any petty politics, because numbers exist only in the ideal plane with Boddhisattvas like Alvin Greene. He smiles benignly on your simple mind unable to grasp the beauty of mathematics.

    Oh, poor CNN intern, that you do not know the beauty and symmetry of different numeral systems. Or how to read a calculator.

    • emmelemm

      Ah, such beautiful contemplations. Today I give you all the fists.

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      37 is 5 short of the answer to life, the universe and everything.

  • edgydrifter

    Fox said he was running for Mayor of Egypt, and HuffPo declared him the winner. Compared with the competition, CNN is doing some crackerjack reporting.

  • Barley_Brains

    Pesky decimal points!

  • SayItWithWookies

    The sum of the parts is greater than the whole — especially when you don't know how percentages work.

  • BornInATrailer

    If we consider this as CNN raping mathematics, the theme can continue.

    • HistoriCat

      Mathematics was wearing a short skirt and had a few drinks, so yeah.

    • tcaalaw

      I think it is more of a "brutal and sustained assault" on mathematics.

  • chickensmack

    I can hear Randal Graves, out of frame. "Thirty-seven?!"

    • doloras

      *shlurp shlurp shlurp*

    • BornInATrailer

      "…in a row?"

  • LionelHutzEsq

    It was my understanding that there would be no math… during the debates..

  • http://www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/cheaphits/reviews/ cheaphits

    Joe Miller called and told him that was grounds for a recount.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    O.T., but alright, who else is getting the Levi's Panty Test ad nonstop on their Wonkette? (I guess it's my fault, because I clicked through and spent precious minutes of my life configuring the most awesome behinds.) Anyway, D. all the way!

    • mavenmaven

      I get something about some book called "heads will roll", I'd be happy to trade!

    • MissTaken

      I don't know about a panty test, but the FIT Personal Trainer smiling at me again is definitely testing my panties!

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        Ha! He does seem quite agreeable to the notion of helping you work it.

  • sezme

    We exaggerate. You decide.

  • user-of-owls

    Meh, call me when Alvin wins the Holocaust.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Maybe the CNN intern should take Alvin's place with the Chipmunks.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    As Fox has the Repubican audience, MSNBC the Demoncrats, CNN goes for the TP'ers using language only they can understand.

  • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

    The channel that hired Erick Erickson and Dana Loesch to support Wolf Blitzer is slightly retarded. Well thanks for that news flash Jack.

  • PsycWench

    In related news, a CNN commentator got into an argument with a store clerk when he insisted that the 30% off sale on a $200 garment meant he had to pay only $30.

  • Beanball

    “Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.” ~ Gautama Siddharta

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    It works out to .01% if you take into account the number of non-whites who participated.

  • MiniMencken

    Just another perpetration by the Man, trying to keep the Brother down.

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    Just two more votes and he'd have been in the real percents. Darn shame.