rumors on the internets

Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse March On Cairo, Stop By For Tea

  • One of those wily Horsemen of the Apocalypse took a leisurely pleasure-ride through the streets of Cairo. [FoxNation]
  • According to science, nature, and Jesus, a woman’s intelligence and credibility is a function of the size of her ass. [Michelle Malkin]
  • Allah fires a warning shot by casting a magic missile over the East Coast. [Fox News]
  • Self-hating baby-man David Vitter speaks out on closing the terror-baby loophole. [CNN]
  • The next president of the United States, Mike Huckabee, will solve all America’s problems by outlawing abortion. [LifeNews]

About the author

Benjamin Frisch is a comic book artist, and sometimes journalist currently habituating somewhere on the elitist liberal east coast of the United States. His published works include a short lived, but beloved cross-dressing comic strip entitled Maurice Antoinette and some other stuff not worth mentioning. As a journalist, Benjamin somehow contributed to National Public Radio, with his story At the Concert Hall, a Symphony for Space Invaders. Benjamin is currently delaying adulthood as a graduate student, and plans to remain one forever. He can be twittered at Twitter.com/BenjaminFrisch

View all articles by Benjamin Frisch

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • freakishlywrong

    Benjamin, while I admire your ability to hold your nose and wade in the stink of wingnuttia; I can practically smell the Aqua net, cheezefood, mothballs and chaw when that shit is posted.

    • Ducksworthy

      The pools of Santorum are the worst part.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Is there a way to post a representation of you slowly shaking your head, depressed at what passes for new for 20% of the country now days? All of them? 'Cause that is what I want to post.

  • Extemporanus

    The mass of the ass is inversely proportional to the class of the lass.

    • mereoblivion

      Dorothy Parker?

      • Extemporanus

        I believe you're thinking of her line "Men seldom take classes with girls with fat asses."

        • Beowoof

          And yet I like girls with a big caboose.

        • mereoblivion

          Recently rewrit as:
          Lasses don’t make passes at men who get in morasses by putting on glasses to check out girls’ asses.

    • Terry

      Here's a tried and true one pertaining to craft shows, farmer's markets, and church fundraisers:

      The bigger the ass, the better the craft.

    • BornInATrailer

      36-24-36? Only if she's 5' 3"

    • DashboardBuddha

      "The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin' That's what I said. The looser the waistband, the deeper the quicksand."

      • LetUsBray

        …Or so I have read.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Hasn't Malkin got some disabled 12 year-old to stalk, or such as?

    Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh! I feel icky for reading that link. Trust me, people. Don't do it!
    ~

  • Ducksworthy

    The people who pay attention to FoxNation are the same people who see Jeebus face in their toast. There must be some way I can exploit this extremely gullible market segment, too.

    • Polythene Pam

      I don't pay much attention to FoxNation, but I do enjoy when I encounter some Jeebus toast! It takes so much better than the regular toast

    • BerkeleyBear

      You answered your own question – Jeebus food products. Ka to the ching, baby.

      That and the "scientifically accurate" Cave Man and Dino play sets.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    I'm not going to read the Malkin article, but if your description above is accurate, then she's admitting Mrs Obama's robust intelligence & cred > than her own skinny little intelligence and cred.

    • BarryOPotter

      Ditto. I'm not soiling my cursor on any of those links.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Fox Nation: Twice the paranoia, and even less integrity! See what it must be like inside Glenn Becks Mind!

    • HistoriCat

      "See what it must be like inside Glenn Becks Mind!"

      I would rather gargle Draino while vinegar is squirted into my eyes. I know – not much of a difference.

      • GOPCrusher

        Agreed. I'd rather eat Play-Doh.

        • BeWoot

          Hey. Play-Doh is kinda tasty. And it smells wonderful.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Jason Jones took that trip on the Daily Show last night and hasn't been heard or seen since.

    • Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

      See what it must be like inside Glenn Becks Mind!

      Objection, assumes facts not in evidence.

      • LionelHutzEsq

        Much like Glenn's mind.

  • MinAgain

    That was actually the much less well known, Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse, Nuclear Annihilation. He rides a pale green horse named Plutonium.

    • SorosBot

      Which version of Apocalypse's Four Horsemen are they referring to, anyway? The original X-Factor group, with the resurrected Angel as Death? The post-M-Day group, with the mind-controlled Gambit and Sunfire as Death and Famine? The current group in X-Factor, which is all new characters?

      • LionelHutzEsq

        I assumed they were talking about the starting line for the Notre Dame back in 1924, as they would prove very useful during a riot.

      • MinAgain

        Geek.

    • HistoriCat

      I thought the Fifth Horseman was Kaos Chaos.

  • SorosBot

    Someone needs to explain pareidolia ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pareidolia ) to the credulous idiots at Fox "News".

    • bureaucrap

      After having looked at the video, it is not so much pareidolia as CGI. There really is an image in the clip — it's just clumsy and insulting, like the "photgraphs" of space aliens on the cover of Weekly World News.

  • elviouslyqueer

    So I'm confused. Is Malkin pissed because she's got too much junk in her trunk, or that she's got a scrawny ass?

    • BornInATrailer

      She's pissed because she has a penis.

      • elviouslyqueer

        Duly noted. That means this is really much ado about panniculus then, amirite?

    • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

      Malkin is bitching about the campaign not to have your fatty kids eat at McGreaseland as well as the breast-feeding recommendation, because goobermint socialism!

      The post also includes a picture named "princess-letizia-carla-bruni-michelle-obamas-butts".

      Here's my Malkin shorter: "The government (e.g the FLOTUS") can't give out breastfeeding recommendations without taking breastfeeding from someone else!!!"
      ~

  • BornInATrailer

    http://bigjournalism.com/retracto/2011/02/14/corr

    Why isn't this in our update? Was it in an earlier CPAC one that I missed? Someone has already mentioned Andrew posing with Riley in the comments of that!

    • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

      it’s inaccurate to say that Andrew Breitbart is “gay,” much less “openly gay.” While there certainly wouldn’t be anything wrong with that if he were gay, Mr. Breitbart has a wife and four children.

      So the correct term would be "closeted gay". Got it.

      • LionelHutzEsq

        Still, how can Breitbart be upset of people who used more journalistic integrity then him. I mean, based upon the picture of him with Riley alone, one of his web sites would make three weeks of stories about it.

        Plus, if he was seen with Coulter, wouldn't you assume he must be gay?

        • Beowoof

          Not only gay, but a big fan of tranny's.

    • Oblios_Cap

      I saw your reply, too!

  • SexySmurf

    Shorter Malkin: "Ladies, if you want to ride in my Mercedes, then stick it out. Even white boys gotta shout, 'Baby's got back.'"

    • Extemporanus

      ♪♫ Baby got baccalaureate… ♪♫

    • BornInATrailer

      Oh, figures. I should have read down farther before making my own reference to Mr. Alot.

      • HistoriCat

        That's Sir Mix A Lot, thank you very much.

        • BornInATrailer

          I've never paid much heed to the British royalty and the various honors they bestow. I'm a Real American.

          EDIT: Sorry, "hounoures" or however the Limeys spell it.

    • DashboardBuddha

      I hate dumb cunts and I cannot lie

  • mereoblivion

    “If a Pawlenty or Thune or Bachmann catch fire among the base . . ."

    If a Bachmann meet a Bachmann
    Comin' through the fire,
    Should a Bachmann douse a Bachmann,
    Need a Bachmann fry?

    • Boredw/Gravity

      If a Pawlenty or Thune or Bachmann catches fire, I will bring my marshmallows. And some extra wood.

  • SorosBot

    The diaperman says, "I believe the policy of birthright citizenship is incompatible with both the text and the legislative history of the 14th Amendment". Try reading it, you prostitute loving moron, because it is right there in the text.

    • Beowoof

      This would assume an ability to read and comprehend. Clearly one of the two, if not both is(are) missing. Just repeating what they're told.

  • Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

    And I looked, and beheld a idiotic horse: and his name that sat on him was Wingnut, and Stupidity followed with him.

    • Steverino247

      [APPLAUSE] I regret that I have but one p to give to your comment.

      • BornInATrailer

        It's a crime that this isn't the most peed upon comment in this thread.

        • Oblios_Cap

          I don't know what is more pathetic – the fact that FAUX actually posted that as news or the commentors that believe the end is nigh because that was one of the 1924 Notre Dame backfield.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Somebody got lost on the way to Armageddon.

  • Jason_inthe_Peg

    Huckabee's a wimp. Come see me when he starts talking about legislating handmaids for his pals.

  • Billmatic

    Michelle Malkin looks uncannily like a beaver.

    • nounverb911

      Will her new blog be "Leave it to Beaver"?

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Allah fires a warning shot by casting a magic missile

    Fireball goes up. Fireball burns down. Never a miscommunication.

    • AngryGeometer

      How'd the gelatinous cube get there? How'd the gelatinous cube get there? How'd the gelatinous cube get there? How'd the gelatinous cube get there? You can't explain it.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    So, I take it from Vitter's article that he must have knocked up an illegal immigrant prostitute?

    • YasserArraFeck

      Doesn't Diaper Dave realize that those illegals end up doing the jobs that Real Americans (TM) won't do? What are that odds that one day, DD is going to find that the only person left willing to scrape off his feces-smeared arse and put a new Man-Size Depends on him will be a starving Guatamalian?

  • edgydrifter

    I read Malkin's piece. Then I read it again. Honestly, if she presents any cogent argument in that article it's well beyond my comprehension. All I read was "I agree with Michelle Obama but she's a commienazi, so fuck her she's wrong."

  • LiveToServeYa

    The Fourth Scooterman of the Fatassalypse.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Johnny Patmos cheers.

  • Beowoof

    Considering Michelle Malkin is all ass I would expect more, She is just whining again as most right wingers do. If Michelle Obama had said books were good, they Michelle Malkin would be writing against books, except those by right wingers.

  • DaRooster

    Hilarious!
    Some comment in that MM POS actually said that She (the First Lady) should take out the chemicals in the food…
    Yeah, cuz they weren't put in there by corporations to fill and high fructose it up.
    Just go drown yourselves in deep fried, high fructose corn syrup, mono-sodium glutamate, nacho cheese… you dumb-ass fucks!! You're killing us!
    (Sorry, I just watched 15 minutes of Thom Hartmann…)

    • SorosBot

      If you took out the chemicals in food, there'd be nothing left. What does the commenter think we should do, plug ourselves into an outlet and "feed" on free electrons?

      • DaRooster

        They won't be free but only $50 per year in Austin.

  • nounverb911

    "Self-hating baby-man David Vitter speaks out on closing the terror-baby loophole."
    Vitter's talking about anchor baby Malkin, right?

  • nounverb911

    "Allah fires a warning shot by casting a magic missile over the East Coast."
    I thought it was a birthday present from Kim Il Chubby.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    So Malkin thinks breastfeeding is good for a myriad of reasons but she objects to Michelle Obama actually telling people this? That's the only thing I could come away with from that article.

  • Gopherit

    Malkin breastfed her kids? Jesus! Can you imagine how bitter that would taste?

    • BornInATrailer

      Could be worse. Could be from Xine's 3rd nipple. Got Blood?

    • DaRooster

      Wonder if it was curdled maybe?

  • Beowoof

    To quote John Fugelsang, Michelle Malkin is like New York in August, hot and unpleasant.

  • Redhead

    Well, it's a good thing I have a big ass and am therefore too intelligent to click any of those links.

  • AngryGeometer

    Malkin is the anti-Mix-a-Lot. She both dislikes big butts, and is capable of lying.

  • JesusPonies

    Seriously, which says "terror baby" more to you:
    an adorable little Guatemalan baby taking appropriate baby dumps in an appropriate baby diaper that will presumably be changed by its mother,
    or a creepy Louisiana man taking giant old man dumps in giant old man diapers and making a hooker change them?
    I see David Vitter and all I think is: TERROR BABY!

  • straighteight

    If you look closely, you can see the apocalyptic horseman talking on a cellphone.

    • BornInATrailer

      Maybe that is why he heads upwards at the end, trying for a better signal. Reception is notoriously spotty in Egypt right now.

      "Death, have you been able to get in touch with Pestilence? Helloo…? You there?

      ….dammit, no bars."

      • Gleem_McShineys

        "Can you scythe me now?"

  • chickensmack

    Your "cast magic missile" will do 1d4 damage. Try something bigger, pussy.

  • MinAgain

    Michelle Malkin apparently wants parents to be able to force feed their children Cheetos until they explode. And who's going to clean that mess up, huh?

  • Oblios_Cap

    Fox 29 TV reporter Chris O’Connell also saw the object, which he described as “majestic” and beautiful,” but with an estimated speed of 33,500 m.p.h., it’s fortunate the fireball didn’t hit anything.

    “My crude estimate of the energy of this fireball is about 100 tons of TNT, which means it was capable of producing a crater 125 feet in diameter and about 15 feet deep, assuming an impact into sandstone,” Cooke said.

    I thought the FOX reporter was Xtine O'Donnell, but I was wrong. I hope she gets a job one day.

    Given the size and speed of the object and the fact that no craters have been reported in the Greater NJ/NY area, I must conclude that Allah throws like a girl and that it was a clean miss. She should have put more ass into it.

  • Bezoar

    There is clearly something wrong with Michelle Malkin's mind. Its like she's in the grip of some computational glitch which manifests as a global hostility for rational and humane thinking.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Memo to MM: Whether our Army is all volunteer or conscripted, it still needs soldiers.

    Guess she didn't read the US Army report "Too Fat to Fight."
    http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504763_162-20015281-1
    http://www.npr.org/2010/12/28/132407022/army-ditc

    We went through this once before in US history. Coming out of the Great Depression, a great many US citizens were not physically able to join the Army.

    Do we have to repeat the cycle every 60 years or so? Or can we actually learn from our history and do something about it?

  • Fukui_sanYesOta

    There is a superb comment on Malkin's site, which I'll copy here to prevent the anguish caused by giving her page views:

    "Michelle,

    You are so right on about this. First of all, the Nobamas should go back to Nigeria or Commie-Nazi-land or wherever they heck they came from. I know you agree Michelle cause I read your column and watch you on Fox News all the time.

    As for obesity, who cares? I'm fat as hell, but I don't care. It's my business to eat what I want. I have my own job and my own health insurance. If I get sick or get diabetes or heart problems cause I'm fat, my insurance that I paid for will cover it. What's the harm? The government should just let people get fat if they want. Just say no to Obama trying to keep people healthy! Keep up the good work Michelle. See you on Fox!"

    • Gleem_McShineys

      Yep, you just scooter your fatbody down to the shop and they just vacuum all the Diabeetusses right out! ALL BETTER