RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS  2:05 pm February 16, 2011

Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse March On Cairo, Stop By For Tea

by Benjamin Frisch

Hola wonkerados.

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Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 98 comments }

freakishlywrong February 16, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Benjamin, while I admire your ability to hold your nose and wade in the stink of wingnuttia; I can practically smell the Aqua net, cheezefood, mothballs and chaw when that shit is posted.

Ducksworthy February 16, 2011 at 2:17 pm

The pools of Santorum are the worst part.

LionelHutzEsq February 16, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Is there a way to post a representation of you slowly shaking your head, depressed at what passes for new for 20% of the country now days? All of them? 'Cause that is what I want to post.

SorosBot February 16, 2011 at 2:20 pm

It's too bad we can't use images and include the internet's traditional picture for that: http://i405.photobucket.com/albums/pp140/Mayo07J/

LionelHutzEsq February 16, 2011 at 2:22 pm

That's it exactly!

LiveToServeYa February 16, 2011 at 2:36 pm

Preferably with a muted trumpet going 'Wah-wah-waaaaaah' in the background.

GOPCrusher February 16, 2011 at 3:40 pm
Billmatic February 16, 2011 at 2:27 pm

I prefer the Stan Marsh varietal, myself.
http://media.photobucket.com/image/STAN%20FACEPAL

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] February 16, 2011 at 2:28 pm

I think this calls for the maximum dosage.

jim89048 February 16, 2011 at 5:59 pm

[IMG

WriteyWriterton February 16, 2011 at 10:26 pm

I'm going to the cabinet to get the whiskey. Don't get in my way.

Extemporanus February 16, 2011 at 2:14 pm

The mass of the ass is inversely proportional to the class of the lass.

mereoblivion February 16, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Dorothy Parker?

Extemporanus February 16, 2011 at 2:29 pm

I believe you're thinking of her line "Men seldom take classes with girls with fat asses."

Beowoof February 16, 2011 at 2:47 pm

And yet I like girls with a big caboose.

mereoblivion February 16, 2011 at 3:38 pm

Recently rewrit as:
Lasses don’t make passes at men who get in morasses by putting on glasses to check out girls’ asses.

Terry February 16, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Here's a tried and true one pertaining to craft shows, farmer's markets, and church fundraisers:

The bigger the ass, the better the craft.

BornInATrailer February 16, 2011 at 2:24 pm

36-24-36? Only if she's 5' 3"

DashboardBuddha February 16, 2011 at 2:37 pm

"The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin' That's what I said. The looser the waistband, the deeper the quicksand."

LetUsBray February 16, 2011 at 6:14 pm

…Or so I have read.

ifthethunderdontgetya February 16, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Hasn't Malkin got some disabled 12 year-old to stalk, or such as?

Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh! I feel icky for reading that link. Trust me, people. Don't do it!
~

Ducksworthy February 16, 2011 at 2:16 pm

The people who pay attention to FoxNation are the same people who see Jeebus face in their toast. There must be some way I can exploit this extremely gullible market segment, too.

Polythene Pam February 16, 2011 at 2:33 pm

I don't pay much attention to FoxNation, but I do enjoy when I encounter some Jeebus toast! It takes so much better than the regular toast

BerkeleyBear February 16, 2011 at 4:57 pm

You answered your own question – Jeebus food products. Ka to the ching, baby.

That and the "scientifically accurate" Cave Man and Dino play sets.

Lascauxcaveman February 16, 2011 at 2:16 pm

I'm not going to read the Malkin article, but if your description above is accurate, then she's admitting Mrs Obama's robust intelligence & cred > than her own skinny little intelligence and cred.

BarryOPotter February 16, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Ditto. I'm not soiling my cursor on any of those links.

LionelHutzEsq February 16, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Fox Nation: Twice the paranoia, and even less integrity! See what it must be like inside Glenn Becks Mind!

HistoriCat February 16, 2011 at 3:26 pm

"See what it must be like inside Glenn Becks Mind!"

I would rather gargle Draino while vinegar is squirted into my eyes. I know – not much of a difference.

GOPCrusher February 16, 2011 at 3:42 pm

Agreed. I'd rather eat Play-Doh.

BeWoot February 16, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Hey. Play-Doh is kinda tasty. And it smells wonderful.

BerkeleyBear February 16, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Jason Jones took that trip on the Daily Show last night and hasn't been heard or seen since.

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] February 16, 2011 at 5:11 pm

See what it must be like inside Glenn Becks Mind!

Objection, assumes facts not in evidence.

LionelHutzEsq February 16, 2011 at 6:57 pm

Much like Glenn's mind.

MinAgain February 16, 2011 at 2:16 pm

That was actually the much less well known, Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse, Nuclear Annihilation. He rides a pale green horse named Plutonium.

SorosBot February 16, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Which version of Apocalypse's Four Horsemen are they referring to, anyway? The original X-Factor group, with the resurrected Angel as Death? The post-M-Day group, with the mind-controlled Gambit and Sunfire as Death and Famine? The current group in X-Factor, which is all new characters?

LionelHutzEsq February 16, 2011 at 2:52 pm

I assumed they were talking about the starting line for the Notre Dame back in 1924, as they would prove very useful during a riot.

MinAgain February 16, 2011 at 3:54 pm

Geek.

HistoriCat February 16, 2011 at 3:27 pm

I thought the Fifth Horseman was Kaos Chaos.

SorosBot February 16, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Someone needs to explain pareidolia ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pareidolia ) to the credulous idiots at Fox "News".

bureaucrap February 16, 2011 at 2:54 pm

After having looked at the video, it is not so much pareidolia as CGI. There really is an image in the clip — it's just clumsy and insulting, like the "photgraphs" of space aliens on the cover of Weekly World News.

elviouslyqueer February 16, 2011 at 2:17 pm

So I'm confused. Is Malkin pissed because she's got too much junk in her trunk, or that she's got a scrawny ass?

BornInATrailer February 16, 2011 at 2:20 pm

She's pissed because she has a penis.

elviouslyqueer February 16, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Duly noted. That means this is really much ado about panniculus then, amirite?

ifthethunderdontgetya February 16, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Malkin is bitching about the campaign not to have your fatty kids eat at McGreaseland as well as the breast-feeding recommendation, because goobermint socialism!

The post also includes a picture named "princess-letizia-carla-bruni-michelle-obamas-butts".

Here's my Malkin shorter: "The government (e.g the FLOTUS") can't give out breastfeeding recommendations without taking breastfeeding from someone else!!!"
~

BornInATrailer February 16, 2011 at 2:19 pm

http://bigjournalism.com/retracto/2011/02/14/corr

Why isn't this in our update? Was it in an earlier CPAC one that I missed? Someone has already mentioned Andrew posing with Riley in the comments of that!

donner_froh February 16, 2011 at 2:27 pm

it’s inaccurate to say that Andrew Breitbart is “gay,” much less “openly gay.” While there certainly wouldn’t be anything wrong with that if he were gay, Mr. Breitbart has a wife and four children.

So the correct term would be "closeted gay". Got it.

LionelHutzEsq February 16, 2011 at 2:40 pm

Still, how can Breitbart be upset of people who used more journalistic integrity then him. I mean, based upon the picture of him with Riley alone, one of his web sites would make three weeks of stories about it.

Plus, if he was seen with Coulter, wouldn't you assume he must be gay?

Beowoof February 16, 2011 at 2:49 pm

Not only gay, but a big fan of tranny's.

Oblios_Cap February 16, 2011 at 3:44 pm

I saw your reply, too!

SexySmurf February 16, 2011 at 2:21 pm

Shorter Malkin: "Ladies, if you want to ride in my Mercedes, then stick it out. Even white boys gotta shout, 'Baby's got back.'"

Extemporanus February 16, 2011 at 2:24 pm

♪♫ Baby got baccalaureate… ♪♫

BornInATrailer February 16, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Oh, figures. I should have read down farther before making my own reference to Mr. Alot.

HistoriCat February 16, 2011 at 4:04 pm

That's Sir Mix A Lot, thank you very much.

BornInATrailer February 16, 2011 at 4:11 pm

I've never paid much heed to the British royalty and the various honors they bestow. I'm a Real American.

EDIT: Sorry, "hounoures" or however the Limeys spell it.

DashboardBuddha February 16, 2011 at 2:40 pm

I hate dumb cunts and I cannot lie

mereoblivion February 16, 2011 at 2:22 pm

“If a Pawlenty or Thune or Bachmann catch fire among the base . . ."

If a Bachmann meet a Bachmann
Comin' through the fire,
Should a Bachmann douse a Bachmann,
Need a Bachmann fry?

Boredw/Gravity February 16, 2011 at 3:11 pm

If a Pawlenty or Thune or Bachmann catches fire, I will bring my marshmallows. And some extra wood.

SorosBot February 16, 2011 at 2:22 pm

The diaperman says, "I believe the policy of birthright citizenship is incompatible with both the text and the legislative history of the 14th Amendment". Try reading it, you prostitute loving moron, because it is right there in the text.

Beowoof February 16, 2011 at 2:51 pm

This would assume an ability to read and comprehend. Clearly one of the two, if not both is(are) missing. Just repeating what they're told.

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] February 16, 2011 at 2:25 pm

And I looked, and beheld a idiotic horse: and his name that sat on him was Wingnut, and Stupidity followed with him.

Steverino247 February 16, 2011 at 2:30 pm

[APPLAUSE] I regret that I have but one p to give to your comment.

BornInATrailer February 16, 2011 at 3:41 pm

It's a crime that this isn't the most peed upon comment in this thread.

Oblios_Cap February 16, 2011 at 3:47 pm

I don't know what is more pathetic – the fact that FAUX actually posted that as news or the commentors that believe the end is nigh because that was one of the 1924 Notre Dame backfield.

horsedreamer_1 February 16, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Somebody got lost on the way to Armageddon.

Jason_inthe_Peg February 16, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Huckabee's a wimp. Come see me when he starts talking about legislating handmaids for his pals.

Billmatic February 16, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Michelle Malkin looks uncannily like a beaver.

nounverb911 February 16, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Will her new blog be "Leave it to Beaver"?

OC_Surf_Serf February 16, 2011 at 2:33 pm

Allah fires a warning shot by casting a magic missile

Fireball goes up. Fireball burns down. Never a miscommunication.

AngryGeometer February 16, 2011 at 2:55 pm

How'd the gelatinous cube get there? How'd the gelatinous cube get there? How'd the gelatinous cube get there? How'd the gelatinous cube get there? You can't explain it.

LionelHutzEsq February 16, 2011 at 2:34 pm

So, I take it from Vitter's article that he must have knocked up an illegal immigrant prostitute?

YasserArraFeck February 16, 2011 at 3:56 pm

Doesn't Diaper Dave realize that those illegals end up doing the jobs that Real Americans (TM) won't do? What are that odds that one day, DD is going to find that the only person left willing to scrape off his feces-smeared arse and put a new Man-Size Depends on him will be a starving Guatamalian?

edgydrifter February 16, 2011 at 2:34 pm

I read Malkin's piece. Then I read it again. Honestly, if she presents any cogent argument in that article it's well beyond my comprehension. All I read was "I agree with Michelle Obama but she's a commienazi, so fuck her she's wrong."

LiveToServeYa February 16, 2011 at 2:39 pm

The Fourth Scooterman of the Fatassalypse.

weejee February 16, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Johnny Patmos cheers.

Beowoof February 16, 2011 at 2:42 pm

Considering Michelle Malkin is all ass I would expect more, She is just whining again as most right wingers do. If Michelle Obama had said books were good, they Michelle Malkin would be writing against books, except those by right wingers.

DaRooster February 16, 2011 at 2:44 pm

Hilarious!
Some comment in that MM POS actually said that She (the First Lady) should take out the chemicals in the food…
Yeah, cuz they weren't put in there by corporations to fill and high fructose it up.
Just go drown yourselves in deep fried, high fructose corn syrup, mono-sodium glutamate, nacho cheese… you dumb-ass fucks!! You're killing us!
(Sorry, I just watched 15 minutes of Thom Hartmann…)

SorosBot February 16, 2011 at 2:48 pm

If you took out the chemicals in food, there'd be nothing left. What does the commenter think we should do, plug ourselves into an outlet and "feed" on free electrons?

DaRooster February 16, 2011 at 2:52 pm

They won't be free but only $50 per year in Austin.

nounverb911 February 16, 2011 at 2:49 pm

"Self-hating baby-man David Vitter speaks out on closing the terror-baby loophole."
Vitter's talking about anchor baby Malkin, right?

nounverb911 February 16, 2011 at 2:51 pm

"Allah fires a warning shot by casting a magic missile over the East Coast."
I thought it was a birthday present from Kim Il Chubby.

imissopus February 16, 2011 at 2:52 pm

So Malkin thinks breastfeeding is good for a myriad of reasons but she objects to Michelle Obama actually telling people this? That's the only thing I could come away with from that article.

Gopherit February 16, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Malkin breastfed her kids? Jesus! Can you imagine how bitter that would taste?

BornInATrailer February 16, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Could be worse. Could be from Xine's 3rd nipple. Got Blood?

DaRooster February 16, 2011 at 3:18 pm

Wonder if it was curdled maybe?

Beowoof February 16, 2011 at 2:52 pm

To quote John Fugelsang, Michelle Malkin is like New York in August, hot and unpleasant.

Redhead February 16, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Well, it's a good thing I have a big ass and am therefore too intelligent to click any of those links.

AngryGeometer February 16, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Malkin is the anti-Mix-a-Lot. She both dislikes big butts, and is capable of lying.

JesusPonies February 16, 2011 at 3:09 pm

Seriously, which says "terror baby" more to you:
an adorable little Guatemalan baby taking appropriate baby dumps in an appropriate baby diaper that will presumably be changed by its mother,
or a creepy Louisiana man taking giant old man dumps in giant old man diapers and making a hooker change them?
I see David Vitter and all I think is: TERROR BABY!

straighteight February 16, 2011 at 3:31 pm

If you look closely, you can see the apocalyptic horseman talking on a cellphone.

BornInATrailer February 16, 2011 at 4:02 pm

Maybe that is why he heads upwards at the end, trying for a better signal. Reception is notoriously spotty in Egypt right now.

"Death, have you been able to get in touch with Pestilence? Helloo…? You there?

….dammit, no bars."

Gleem_McShineys February 16, 2011 at 7:13 pm

"Can you scythe me now?"

chickensmack February 16, 2011 at 3:51 pm

Your "cast magic missile" will do 1d4 damage. Try something bigger, pussy.

MinAgain February 16, 2011 at 3:56 pm

Michelle Malkin apparently wants parents to be able to force feed their children Cheetos until they explode. And who's going to clean that mess up, huh?

Oblios_Cap February 16, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Fox 29 TV reporter Chris O’Connell also saw the object, which he described as “majestic” and beautiful,” but with an estimated speed of 33,500 m.p.h., it’s fortunate the fireball didn’t hit anything.

“My crude estimate of the energy of this fireball is about 100 tons of TNT, which means it was capable of producing a crater 125 feet in diameter and about 15 feet deep, assuming an impact into sandstone,” Cooke said.

I thought the FOX reporter was Xtine O'Donnell, but I was wrong. I hope she gets a job one day.

Given the size and speed of the object and the fact that no craters have been reported in the Greater NJ/NY area, I must conclude that Allah throws like a girl and that it was a clean miss. She should have put more ass into it.

Bezoar February 16, 2011 at 4:41 pm

There is clearly something wrong with Michelle Malkin's mind. Its like she's in the grip of some computational glitch which manifests as a global hostility for rational and humane thinking.

Tundra Grifter February 16, 2011 at 5:54 pm

Memo to MM: Whether our Army is all volunteer or conscripted, it still needs soldiers.

Guess she didn't read the US Army report "Too Fat to Fight."
http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504763_162-20015281-1
http://www.npr.org/2010/12/28/132407022/army-ditc

We went through this once before in US history. Coming out of the Great Depression, a great many US citizens were not physically able to join the Army.

Do we have to repeat the cycle every 60 years or so? Or can we actually learn from our history and do something about it?

Fukui_sanYesOta February 16, 2011 at 5:55 pm

There is a superb comment on Malkin's site, which I'll copy here to prevent the anguish caused by giving her page views:

"Michelle,

You are so right on about this. First of all, the Nobamas should go back to Nigeria or Commie-Nazi-land or wherever they heck they came from. I know you agree Michelle cause I read your column and watch you on Fox News all the time.

As for obesity, who cares? I'm fat as hell, but I don't care. It's my business to eat what I want. I have my own job and my own health insurance. If I get sick or get diabetes or heart problems cause I'm fat, my insurance that I paid for will cover it. What's the harm? The government should just let people get fat if they want. Just say no to Obama trying to keep people healthy! Keep up the good work Michelle. See you on Fox!"

Gleem_McShineys February 16, 2011 at 7:21 pm

Yep, you just scooter your fatbody down to the shop and they just vacuum all the Diabeetusses right out! ALL BETTER

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