leave some jobs for the unemployed bro

General Petraeus To Betray Us In Afghanistan, Do Something Else

According to the London Times, David Petraeus is going to leave his command in Afghanistan by the end of the year. Then the Pentagon said that wasn’t going to happen. And then some more speculation happened.

One possibility is to replace Adm Mike Mullen, who is chairman of the US joint chiefs of staff. [...]

So it would be a bold move for Barack Obama to make him defence secretary, but a potentially smart one. [...]

Could he run as Republican presidential candidate? Many would find that attractive. [...]

Looks like General Petraeus can have any job he wants. Could he host a new edition of Match Game? Many would find that attractive. [BBC]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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47 comments

  1. James Michael Curley

    On every Army base they find a guy, makes no difference what he was trained to do, and give him the job of wandering around the base and fixing things. He didn't have to ask anyone or file any papers, he just saw something broken and fixed it. Since this was the Army, it made no difference if he knew how to fix things or that they worked after he fixed them.

    I nominate Petreaus for this job nationwide.

  2. PabaBritannica

    And we all know that this basically means that MoveOn.org is literally Nazis. If you remember nothing else about Petraeus, remember this.

  3. el_donaldo

    I understand, General. You're bored. It's time to move on. But don't you think the soldiers should have the option to pick something else to do first?

  4. Serolf_Divad

    I've got an idea: lets send general Sysyphus to replace him. At least this pointless, unending, bloody quagmire would make some sort of poetic/existential sense, then.

  5. Oblios_Cap

    I'm sure this hero will find a rewarding and lucrative civilian job upon retiring, just every other hero that mustered out the military for medical or other reasons after bravely serving this Exceptional Nation of ours.

    Well, all of the veterans except for those that mustered out as enlisted men or junior officers. Those folks are lucky to have a Hooverville to call their own just like the rest of us Americans.

    1. PristineODummy

      Not to mention those too busy rotting to, sort of, you know, accept the thanks of a grateful nation by way of a job, or something.

  6. MistaEko

    I dunno, the joint chiefs, defense department, and republican party problems aren't exactly solved by adding tens of thousands of people to their ranks and declaring "of course things are better, look at all the guys we have!"

    Of course, people might still buy it.

  7. Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

    Could he host a new edition of Match Game?

    He was going to have John Bolton be part of his "celebrity" panel, but he kept filling in every blank with "bomb Iran".

  8. chascates

    He wants to run in 2012 so he'll need to get some 'distance' from our adventure in Afghanistan. I predict a round of news show appearances, a quick book, and some comparisons to Reagan.

    1. Native_of_SL_UT

      That's some funny shit over there.. It's like a Seinfeld episode.
      "Not that there's anything wrong with that."

    2. GOPCrusher

      So let me get this right. Andrew Breitbart claims that liberals want to define people in ideological boxes based on sexual orientation, in an article headlined :Andrew Breitbart Is Not Gay.
      The stupid, it burns.

  9. hagajim

    At least Dave appears to be getting the hell out of Afghanistan….too bad we can't seem to do the same.

  10. LionelHutzEsq

    Clearly he wants to leave Afghanistan because it is now legal for him to openly shack up with his "partner."

  11. Steverino247

    I'd be interested in learning how he managed to get awarded the Combat Action Badge while commaning the 101st Infantry Division (Airmobile). You're supposed to actually engage the fucking enemy to get that. It's the Combat Infantryman's Badge for non-infantrymen, in other words. You aren't supposed to get it for showing up to work at the DTOC.

    That said, he can't be SECDEF for ten years after retiring. This mistake was made a lot when Wesley Clark ran for President.

    And on a personal note, my son's brigade relieved his division in Mosul in 2004. My son wasn't impressed with their patroling which consisted of getting drunk and driving around Mosul shooting dogs. What "King David" was good at was passing around money to keep the locals happy so he looked good. When he left and that stopped, the locals were pissed and took it out on my son's unit. Thanks a lot, asshole.

  12. Billmatic

    General Petraeus should lead a troop surge into the offices of the Washington Redskins and remove Dan Snyder from power.

  13. donner_froh

    Petraeus for President.

    The most recent general to be elected President had commanded all the allied forces in the defeat of Nazi Germany. Somehow presiding over throwing young men and women into the Afghan meatgrinder has the same resonance.

  14. Lazy Media

    Bear in mind, this scoop is from the London Times, a Murdoch rag and breaker of such stories as "HIV doesn't cause AIDS." Large grains of salt.

Comments are closed.