leave some jobs for the unemployed bro

General Petraeus To Betray Us In Afghanistan, Do Something Else

According to the London Times, David Petraeus is going to leave his command in Afghanistan by the end of the year. Then the Pentagon said that wasn’t going to happen. And then some more speculation happened.

One possibility is to replace Adm Mike Mullen, who is chairman of the US joint chiefs of staff. […]

So it would be a bold move for Barack Obama to make him defence secretary, but a potentially smart one. […]

Could he run as Republican presidential candidate? Many would find that attractive. […]

Looks like General Petraeus can have any job he wants. Could he host a new edition of Match Game? Many would find that attractive. [BBC]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  • Weenus299

    I vote we make him secretary of the Key Club.

    • WriteyWriterton

      Playboy Club!

  • James Michael Curley

    On every Army base they find a guy, makes no difference what he was trained to do, and give him the job of wandering around the base and fixing things. He didn't have to ask anyone or file any papers, he just saw something broken and fixed it. Since this was the Army, it made no difference if he knew how to fix things or that they worked after he fixed them.

    I nominate Petreaus for this job nationwide.

  • V572625694

    I'd say he's a shoe-in for replacement host on "The Biggest Loser."

  • PabaBritannica

    And we all know that this basically means that MoveOn.org is literally Nazis. If you remember nothing else about Petraeus, remember this.

    • GOPCrusher

      BUT THE MAN IS A HERO!
      Why do you hate the troops?

  • el_donaldo

    I understand, General. You're bored. It's time to move on. But don't you think the soldiers should have the option to pick something else to do first?

  • Amaravilha

    Well, thank goodness things are all better in Afghanistan. Phfew! Surge FTW.

  • Serolf_Divad

    I've got an idea: lets send general Sysyphus to replace him. At least this pointless, unending, bloody quagmire would make some sort of poetic/existential sense, then.

    • freakishlywrong

      I pee the fuck out of this comment.

    • Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

      I say we send general Pyrrhus. He has plenty of experience with this sort of thing.

    • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

      General Procrustus should be able to determine at what point we have achieved victory.

      • KochFembot

        But General Stuftcrustus would be the most (real) American!

        • mumbly_joe

          General Stuftcrustus is no longer welcome in Afghanistan, thanks to Petraus.

    • GOPCrusher

      Or General Pyorrhea, to symbolize the slow oozing of money from the country.

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      Hows about Gen.Biggus Dickus

  • Oblios_Cap

    I'm sure this hero will find a rewarding and lucrative civilian job upon retiring, just every other hero that mustered out the military for medical or other reasons after bravely serving this Exceptional Nation of ours.

    Well, all of the veterans except for those that mustered out as enlisted men or junior officers. Those folks are lucky to have a Hooverville to call their own just like the rest of us Americans.

    • PristineODummy

      Not to mention those too busy rotting to, sort of, you know, accept the thanks of a grateful nation by way of a job, or something.

  • freakishlywrong

    Boo! You first, troops.

  • MistaEko

    I dunno, the joint chiefs, defense department, and republican party problems aren't exactly solved by adding tens of thousands of people to their ranks and declaring "of course things are better, look at all the guys we have!"

    Of course, people might still buy it.

  • PublicLuxury

    He could be the preznit of the New Confederacy. The South will rise again, just like Dracula.

  • PublicLuxury

    EMO Petraeus

  • aguacatero

    Obvious solution: Petraeus becomes ambassador to China, Huntsman goes to Afghanistan.

  • HistoriCat

    Well, someone has to be in charge of bombing Iran.

    • Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

      Missed it by that much.

  • Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

    Could he host a new edition of Match Game?

    He was going to have John Bolton be part of his "celebrity" panel, but he kept filling in every blank with "bomb Iran".

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Could be the new Oracle at Curveball. Like Delphi, but with bad answers.

  • chascates

    He wants to run in 2012 so he'll need to get some 'distance' from our adventure in Afghanistan. I predict a round of news show appearances, a quick book, and some comparisons to Reagan.

  • SorosBot

    O/T, and hee: http://bigjournalism.com/retracto/2011/02/14/corr

    Headline: "Correction Request: Andrew Breitbart Is Not Gay"

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      That's some funny shit over there.. It's like a Seinfeld episode.
      "Not that there's anything wrong with that."

      • Oblios_Cap

        I left a comment over there. Too many deep thinkers in that outfit.

    • GOPCrusher

      So let me get this right. Andrew Breitbart claims that liberals want to define people in ideological boxes based on sexual orientation, in an article headlined :Andrew Breitbart Is Not Gay.
      The stupid, it burns.

      • http://assistantatlas.blogspot.com/ assistantatlas

        It's not gay if it's a GIRL fucking you in the ass with a big, black dildo while you furiously masturbate your three-inch penis and scream for Daddy …. right?

  • hagajim

    At least Dave appears to be getting the hell out of Afghanistan….too bad we can't seem to do the same.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Clearly he wants to leave Afghanistan because it is now legal for him to openly shack up with his "partner."

  • BornInATrailer

    Guest judge on Ru Paul's Drag Race.

    • vulpes82

      Sashay, you stay.

  • Come here a minute

    Gen Patraeus will have no trouble getting a gig Twatting for Fox News.

  • MinAgain

    If he runs for pope, I'll vote for him.

  • Steverino247

    I'd be interested in learning how he managed to get awarded the Combat Action Badge while commaning the 101st Infantry Division (Airmobile). You're supposed to actually engage the fucking enemy to get that. It's the Combat Infantryman's Badge for non-infantrymen, in other words. You aren't supposed to get it for showing up to work at the DTOC.

    That said, he can't be SECDEF for ten years after retiring. This mistake was made a lot when Wesley Clark ran for President.

    And on a personal note, my son's brigade relieved his division in Mosul in 2004. My son wasn't impressed with their patroling which consisted of getting drunk and driving around Mosul shooting dogs. What "King David" was good at was passing around money to keep the locals happy so he looked good. When he left and that stopped, the locals were pissed and took it out on my son's unit. Thanks a lot, asshole.

  • Billmatic

    General Petraeus should lead a troop surge into the offices of the Washington Redskins and remove Dan Snyder from power.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Petraeus for President.

    The most recent general to be elected President had commanded all the allied forces in the defeat of Nazi Germany. Somehow presiding over throwing young men and women into the Afghan meatgrinder has the same resonance.

  • sati_demise

    So, are we getting ready for our own little military dictatorship?

    please, just say no.

  • CapeClod

    He's needed right here at home, so we can finally capture that marauding Incredible Hulk.

  • HempDogbane

    The Petraeus Principle

  • Lazy Media

    Bear in mind, this scoop is from the London Times, a Murdoch rag and breaker of such stories as "HIV doesn't cause AIDS." Large grains of salt.