just pouring out more lube and feces

Rick Santorum Wants the Google To Be Civil, Stop Calling Him Gay Sex Names

BTW, what is this girl now, 40?Yes, Rick Santorum is aware that, according to the Internet, his name means “that frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex,” thanks to the Internet’s love advice guy, Dan Savage. But Rick Santorum also heard President Obama say something about “civility” when that woman who actually has a job in politics got shot, so he thinks President Obama should deliver a speech talking about how he’s not a byproduct of anal sex and sternly tell the Google to stop being so mean to him. This is how things are supposed to go in the age of civility, according to Santorum. Never mind that this happened because he was being uncivil to gays and nobody is standing up for civility for him right now because everyone forgot about him and being mean to him on the Internet years ago.

Santorum, meanwhile, suggested a double standard, especially in what appears to be a new era of civility in the wake of the Arizona shootings.

“It’s just a sad commentary,” he told Roll Call. “You want to talk about incivility. I don’t know of anybody on the left who came to my defense for the incivility with respect to those things.” [...]

“If somebody had a website up that maligned somebody who wasn’t a white, Christian, conservative, male, Rachel Maddow’s head would explode,” ["Santorum ally" David Urban] said. “Where’s Rachel Maddow on this?”

Where’s Rachel Maddow on this? She was probably in high school or something when Rick Santorum was relevant to politics. That’s where she is, laughing at the memory of Rick Santorum because somebody on her staff saw this in Roll Call.

If Rick Santorum wanted to get this sex thing the Internet did to him like a decade ago pushed down his Google results, he could do something relevant for the first time since then. To be fair, he’s trying to do this by running for president. But even his presidential campaign is less relevant than some joke made about him years ago. Which is even funnier than the joke. [Roll Call]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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164 comments

  1. ManchuCandidate

    Asshole complains about being called asshole.

    Note to Ricky Pooh. If you don't want to be Santorum (trademark by Dan Savage) then stop being a bigoted asshole.*

    *yeah, I know. It would be like asking the Earth to stop rotating.

    1. MrsBiggTime

      Too late for Little Ricky. That toothpaste is already out of the tube, or, if you will, that Santorum has already stained the sheets. Wecome to the wacky world of internet memes!

  2. donner_froh

    He really is the gift that keeps on giving.

    I would type more but I need to clean some Santorum out of my ass. Santorum is icky but dripping Santorum is even worse.

  3. DoktorZoom

    You know what? If anyone actually smacks Rick Santorum in the face with a frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter, I will be the first to condemn Dan Savage for encouraging that sort of thing.

    And if I double over giggling at the picture of Santorum covered with santorum, I will very, very sternly rebuke myself.

    1. Redhead

      But, but, but, having your name turned into a meme is TOTALLY worse than being shot after some airhead puts crosshairs over your location!

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Is not santorum still santorum without the constituent part of semen? I would think the lube would be just as vital…

      Just look at non-seminal santorum as gluten-free pastry.

  4. freakishlywrong

    A.) That picture never fails.
    B.) “that frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex,” is simply calling a fucking asshole a fucking asshole. Nothing uncivil there.

  5. FlownOver

    Yeah, but in his case, calling him “that frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex” is more than just being civil. It's an outright compliment!

  6. MittsHairHelmet

    The funniest part is that this guy was actually elected as a Senator from the state of Pennsylvania.

      1. SorosBot

        He's an embarrassment, along with our new Governor. To think that Slestak almost won makes me very angry at all the liberal young folks who stayed home last November.

  7. CapeClod

    Maybe he could get the civility ball rolling by saying that his equating gay sex to beastiality was inappropriate.

    1. freakishlywrong

      Oh CapeClod. Only libruls are uncivil/. The three days of unadulterated, inchoate hatred that is CPAC is just old fashioned "hard ball" politics.

  8. KathrynSane

    If that's how sad his daughter was when he lost the election, imagine what her face looked like when she found out what her last name will forever be associated with. Good luck in high school, kiddo!

    1. SorosBot

      The frothy mix family are proud home scholars who use an online "school" to "educate" their kids at their home in Virginia at the expense of Pennsylvania taxpayers, so they won't exposed to the real world until college.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        You think they'll go anywhere vaguely near the "real world" for college? I'm guessing Regent U has all their rooms reserved.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      Yeah I kinda feel bad for the kids, too. This joke can't be very har-dee-har to them. Even if their dad deserved this meme, they don't.

      Fortunately, there is always the escape of traditional marriage for the girls, and the boys can always get a court approved legal name change if they want, once they reach the age of majority.

      1. aqua_buddha

        wait, the girls have to get married while the boys just go to court for the afternoon ?

        things are stubbornly traditional in the santorium, huh …..

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          They'd go that route, so as not to hurt daddy dear's feelings. Unless he's as a bad a parent as he is a pol and they don't give an ef-all..

    3. Guppy06

      High school? She'll be home-schooled all the way to a PhD in Jesusology.

      And then the sex tape will come out…

    4. FNMA

      True fact: A friend went to school with a guy whose last name was Hildo. Last he heard, the guy was in jail…

  9. Serolf_Divad

    “If somebody had a website up that maligned somebody who wasn’t a white, Christian, conservative, male, Rachel Maddow’s head would explode,” ["Santorum ally" David Urban] said. “Where’s Rachel Maddow on this?”

    I totally agree: The fact that no one has put up a website that maligns somebody who isn’t a white, Christian, conservative, male should be all the proof we need of the Left's unspeakable villany.

      1. genxr

        And if they did, Slick Dick Santorum would be tirelessly campaigning against it, until the offending website was removed.

  10. KathrynSane

    Also, I am still proud of the fact that my first time voting was getting this douchebag out of office. Huzzah!

  11. el_donaldo

    Look, Rick, take a page from the queer community. When faced with a slur, embrace it and make it your own. Love "santorum"! Rub yourself in it! Smear it on your face! Your skin! Your clothes! Only when you can wear it with pride will it cease to sting.

    (Actually if it stings, you've probably got an open cut and should wash that out with some antibacterial agent.)

  12. PsycWench

    I don’t know of anybody on the left who came to my defense for the incivility with respect to those things
    And making Rick Santorum feel all better became our job, when exactly? I don't remember that assignment.
    Once a winner but always a whiner.

  13. horsedreamer_1

    You would think, for a party so intent on promoting guns, on fetishizing guns, they would be able to detect the difference between the patter of an internet joke from the actual firing of an actual glock.

    What Savage did to Santorum equals what noted liberal Jared Lee Loughner did to Giffords? Not in a million years, Ricky. Not in a million years.

    1. FlownOver

      You suggest an interesting approach. Anyone want to see if there's a compromise available? Everyone would promise to quit using that reference if he agreed to take a 9 mm. bullet in the skull from a Glock 19, 'k?

  14. user-of-owls

    Wow, unbelievable! Politico is reporting that Santorum's senior advisers talked him out of legally changing his last name to Frottage.

  15. metamarcisf

    Poor Little Ricky. What a double standard! He's the Mr. Bill of the has-been right. And calling Rick Santorum a senator is like referring to Bristol Palin as a virgin.

  16. Sue4466

    "If somebody had a website up that maligned somebody who wasn’t a white, Christian, conservative, male. . ." IF? Seriously, IF? Has he ever seen the internet? Every other fucking site maligns people who are not white, Christian, conservative, or male. Who does he think he's kidding?

    BTW, who the fuck is Rick Santorum anyway? is he the guy who called Jon Stewart a bigot and said the Jews control the media?

    1. jmarsh04

      The Jews stopped controlling the media when they sold it to the Liberals, which was right around the time GWB took office.

  17. elviouslyqueer

    Dear Rick:

    I had the pleasure of hearing Dan Savage speak in person last night, so, at the risk of being tacky and uncivil, please continue to go fuck yourself, raw dog-style. Or, failing that, have your lovely wife peg you repeatedly with a 36" black dildo. For all us gays, naturally.

    Respectfully,
    EQ

    1. DeeJayKitteh

      I'm so jealous! I have a total lady-boner for him. I'm actually pretty excited to see if he talks about this on his podcast.

  18. Texan_Bulldog

    "…suggested a double standard, especially in what appears to be a new era of civility in the wake of the Arizona shootings."

    Yeah, Rick, because being called a dirty name is EXACTLY the same thing as having a bullet shot in your brain. Oh, and be sure to ask Gabby what that whole "head would explode" feeling is like–I'm sure she could school you.

  19. __kth__

    I'd take a 2-for-1 bet that Santorum's daughter will succeed Bristol Palin as America's Unwed Baby Mama Abstinence Advocate.

  20. jmarsh04

    My good friend, Rusty Trombone, wants to know why Rick Santorum isn't campaigning to clear the negative connotations associated with his name.

  21. SudsMcKenzie

    Your name may be associated with "the byproduct of anal sex ”, but its that picture that will haunt your dreams.

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      That's technically an 'ass loogie', prommie. They're usually more fully formed than Santorum ooze.

  22. SorosBot

    Hey crybaby, Savage wouldn't have been so uncivil to you if it wasn't for your being a hateful bigot who believes it should be illegal for gay people to have sex; that's a hell of a lot worth than mocking you.

  23. Pragmatist2

    OK. He's right. I will be civil about him from now on. Instead of that other icky thing, I will limit my comments to his fascination with dough in the later stages of fermentation.

  24. Ducksworthy

    I guess he's figured out how the electorate will react to the possibility of a President Mixture of Lube and Fecal Matter administration.

  25. mumbly_joe

    Didn't Santorum call the entire 9th circuit a "pox on the western half of the country", just like 10 days ago?

    Yeah, Ricky, I got you effing civility right here. Asshole.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      I'm sort of amazed he didn't exempt Kozinski (Federalist Society darling and fan of risque e-mails) or at least the two who live in Idaho).

  26. HolyMaracas

    Ricky is right: the Internets may only be used to spread false information about Barry's place of birf, supposed Muslin faith, ties to terrist, etc. Poop jokes are not cool, people!

  27. refudiatedness

    This is what happens when people who love to imagine themselves being oppressed (e.g., Obamacare) experience minor obstacles in real life (e.g., silly internet meme). Man up, Ricky.

  28. SayItWithWookies

    Sorry ex-Senator Santorum — the civility thing stops at calls and innuendos for murder and violence. Mocking sanctimonious theocratic homophobic irrational bigots who flaunt their medieval sensibilities by calling them a frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex is still perfectly within the bounds of civility. So — in the words of Sarah Palin whenever she sees Santorum or incivility — don't pull out, reload.

  29. Redhead

    Does he realize that by going on TV and saying "stop using my name to mean the frothy mixture of shit and cum and lube that happens after buttsecks," which will doubtless be reported by many news agencies, he's only increasing the number of hits this shows on a google search, and only increasing its ranking in a search for santorum?

    No, I know he doesn't. I'm sure he's just not thinking straight – after all, having his head that far up his ass, he probably inhaled some of the santorum and is now not getting enough oxygen to his brain.

    1. MissTaken

      Nope, and that's why it is always best to include the full definition of Santorum, that frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex, whenever one discusses Santorum, that frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.

      1. aqua_buddha

        What's even better is to google 'santorum' right now and see how many times you can search and re-search it in the space of sixty seconds, a stretch of time you probably didn't have plans for anyway.
        Happy bunny, click for ricky.

  30. JustPixelz

    I actually think it's rude to mock people's names. WWAMCD — What Would Anna Marie Cox Do? True story: When I was in high school, um last week, some jock-type called me "Pixelz the Lixelz". So you see what I mean.

    1. Limeylizzie

      Well, my last name rhymes with "Breast" and "Chest" and , considering that my mammaries sprouted to their current DDs at age 15 , you can only imagine my teenage years.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        What is high school for if not mocking the differences and insecurities of others? My last name is virtually unpronounceable to folks used to English, and I was both a nerd, a member of the theater department and the football team. Plus I suffered from undiagnosed social deficits. So just having a single shitty name would have been nice.

        BTW, my wife had the same experience you did. Her nickname went from Q-tip (flat and topped with curly red hair) to Dairy Queen in one summer , poor girl.

        1. Jukesgrrl

          But here, you're loved. And at least you have a wife, which is more than Tawd Palin can say. He just has a harpy.

  31. Weenus299

    That Santorum,
    cheese scrotum.
    That Santorum
    cheese scrotum.

    He's gonna raise a fuss,
    jus' you wait an' see,

    "Why's e'erybody always pickin' on me?"

  32. Tundra Grifter

    The New York Magazine story headline: "Rick Santorum Has Come to Terms With His Google Problem."

    Apparently he hasn't.

  33. AtwatersGhost

    Awesome, love the Google images for Sick Rantorum, but I would be pissed too, all those photos with that lispy cousin-marrying jackass would make me super-duper irritable and cry like a little gir…..too soon.

  34. PsycWench

    I have to question the man's power of reasoning. If elements of the population had attached an unpleasant meaning to my name, the last thing I would do is demand a public apology so that EVERYONE knew about this meaning.

  35. sezme

    Just curious, Mr. Civility, did you ever apologize for comparing homosexuality with pedophilia and bestiality?

  36. Chet Kincaid

    Listen, you fucking crybaby, John Stewart's time-wasting rally before the last election gave you all the unnecessary "both sides do it" cries for civility from the Left you need. So shut the fuck up and clean up the piles of Santorum your side shits out daily.

  37. Mahousu

    Wait, Glenn Beck already told everyone not to use Google. Rick Santorum obviously has been, or else he wouldn't know about the meme.

    Why does Rick Santorum hate Glenn Beck?

  38. mrblifil

    Where's Rachel Maddow on this? Well I suspect one place she's not is out shopping for a pair of fuck-me pumps with which to impress you when you guest on her show in order to receive her humbly submissive apology. BTW, what's the civility meter reading on "Man on Dog" references to undergraduate co-eds?

  39. Chet Kincaid

    I think he is not necessarily equating getting shot in the head with being called a shit-stain, he's saying that if the Right should stop saying bad things because they led to a shooting, the Left should too. Where logic fails is, who is going to physically attack him because Savage called him a liquid stool? A schizophrenic public sanitation worker?

    He's also forgetting the Rightie talking point that Rightie Incivility didn't induce Loughner, he was crazy all on his own. So none of it makes sense. Richie just needs to take some mental Immodium and stfu.

    1. mrblifil

      I read it as an even more cynical assessment on Santorum's part. He is saying that the call for civility came only from the left and only after the shooting. Then he points out hypocrisy on the left because nobody came to his aid when his name was equated with anal seepage. As I see it, he is saying: 1) Civility is bullshit, random shootings are part of God's plan because only evil people are shooting victims, 2) only the benighted clods on the left think civility will prevent maniacs from carrying out God's plan, 3) Lefties are hypocrites because they are equally uncivil when daring to attack their avowed enemies like Santorum, who would like to criminalize their private activities.

      I think I have that about right.

  40. DustBowlBlues

    One) Has Rachel Maddow made her feelings known about the Tards attempt to make her the left's Rush Limbaugh?

    Two) Santo . . .hahahahha….Santoru……ahahahhahh……..wants the internets to be civ…..hahahahahha……………

    Sorry. Too laughable to comment success……hahahahha…………..Suck on it, Santor…….hahahahahha…………oh, god, shouldn't have looked at that kid's picture picture again……….hahahahahha. }wipes tears from eyes and gives up, still chuckling}

    (keyboard fucked and } wont' work going other direction. Ordering new imac.)

  41. Gopherit

    I would like to respectfully point out to the former senator that no one on the Right came out to defend him either. Sometimes a leaky asshole is obvious to everyone, Rick.

  42. friendlyskies

    Does he seriously think Obama can stop an Internet meme? Oh, that poor, confused, deranged little man… I mean, frothy mixture of lube and poop.

  43. Chet Kincaid

    Little Santorum Girl is straining with all her might to use her Jesus Telekenesis Power to impale, harpoon and eviscerate all the evil liberals in the room with hotel kitchen utensils, but it's not working.

  44. PabaBritannica

    I'm just glad that this image still lives on years after I used it in a birthday invitation. Especially because of that Hogwart's kid staring into the soul of the cameraman trying to perform a Santorumus Uptus Your Anus spell or whatever.

  45. littlebigdaddy

    The wife looks like she hasn't had any–Santorum style or otherwise–since about the time the youngest kid was conceived.

  46. Chet Kincaid

    Rickie Santorum just wants to cleanse the media's palate in anticipation of his new band/album, "Santorum", a frothy mixture of Gregorian hymnody and lubed-up latin rock.

  47. Asa_Hawks

    BOO-HOO IT IS SO HARD TO BE RICH WHITE STRAIGHT AND POWERFUL.

    My apologies for the caps-lock, but seriously? I thought Republicans thought of themselves as tough guys, but they always seem to be wining about how unfair everything is. It's like Sarah Williams from Labyrinth started a political party.

  48. jim89048

    I reverse-googled “that frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex” and got wonkette. This shit really works!

  49. bumfug

    I wish he would run for something just so whoever runs against him could use the campaign slogan "Google Santorum."

  50. jmarsh04

    True story: Back in 1999 or so, I think, my sister graduated from York College in central PA, and Rick Santorum was the guest speaker. I was not very interested in politics back then, so I had no idea who he was, I just thought it was neat that a US Senator was speaking.

    I will never forget him actually saying to these graduating kids, to "remember: in life, it's not important that you're happy or successful, it's important that you make the person you work for happy and successful and, in time, you may have people working for you who will go out of their way to make you happy and successful."

    He was booed relentlessly and then he scolded the crowd, telling them they were out of line and, "today was about the children."

    That was the first time I was introduced to Senator Rick Santorum.

  51. chascates

    "And if people talked about Joe McCarthy the way they talked about…No, wait…If people talked badly about Jesse Jackson…Uh…I LOVE JEEBUS!!!"

  52. Ducksworthy

    Wow. The top 3 (I didn't look any farther) Yahoo searches for Santorum either are or refer to the frothy mix. This is powerful stuff.

  53. GOPCrusher

    I haven't seen a lot of poutrage from the Right about Rick being equated with a frothy mixture of fecal matter and lube as the result of anal sex, either.
    Maybe people just don't like you Rick?

  54. owhatever

    Rick — Thanks for the free publicity, you little cutie pie. And the roses and chocolate. — Rachel

  55. SheriffRoscoe

    At least they didn't name you after the ass loogies people poop out their anuses after a good hard round of buttsexing, Rick. Those things are oftentimes unceremoniously flushed down the commode. What?…..I'm trying to cheer you up, Rick.

  56. Lazy Media

    Wait, the word santorum is named after a GUY? I thought it was just a common English word, like smegma.

    Ha ha, that guys' name is Santorum! Like the anal sex afterproduct. Ha!

  57. mourningnmerica

    Some random thoughts:
    1. I had not seen that picture before. It is the greatest picture of all time.
    2. That is one unhappy sister-wife.
    3. If you take his name, well, first name Dick, and last name, and I was shocked none of the other posts mentioned this, last name contains the letters a-n-u-s.
    4. Fellow posters, when you are using it as a noun, please don't capitalize santorum. It is inaccurate, and it is funnier with a small case s.
    5. This is the most satisfying thing to happen to a bad person in a really, really long time.

  58. Veritas78

    How great that he's found out about it just now.

    And that he's pissed we didn't come to his defense. Like he did for us all those years ago, which is why he ended up a Latin noun.

    That crying little Duggar wannabe, forever sentenced to be his daughter? She's prolly gotta a 35-clip hidden away, just biding her time.

  59. WriteyWriterton

    This dimwit must have a Ph.D. in false equivalences: his being – oh, how can I resist? – smeared (ha, ha, no, really "smeared") by Mr. Savage is like Gabrielle Giffords' getting shot in the head.

    Breathtaking, and in a bad way.

  60. Negropolis

    My favorite recent Santorum moment is when he said something kind of mildly off-color about Sarah Palin, and then she beat his sorry ass back into submission to the point of where he was bitching at the Politico for posting exactly what he said. He's not just a douchebag, but a little bitchy coward, at that.

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