John Edwards About To Be Indicted, If Obama's DOJ Will Pull Trigger

Famous 2008 presidential sex-haver John Edwards is probably going to be indicted very soon for violating campaign laws in how he covered it all up, NBC News is reporting. "Son of a mill worker!" Edwards cursed to himself upon hearing this news, taking his lord's name in vain. "We do not believe there is evidence that John has violated any election laws," his attorney, Wade Smith, said, obviously very forcibly. Hey, you know who else was named "Wade"? John Edwards' son who died. You know who else in John Edwards' family died? His wife, the one that everybody loved. Those are the two reasons John Edwards should get whatever he wants, from staying out of jail to bedding all the floozies he wants to the presidency. What do you say, Iowa caucus-goers? John Edwards 2012: Campaigning From Jail Just Like His Close Personal Friend Martin Luther King.

To recap:

The money used to support Hunter and Young in hiding came from two wealthy Edwards donors: a reclusive heiress, Rachel “Bunny” Mellon, and Edwards’ former finance chairman, Fred Baron. Insiders say, each provided hundreds of thousands of dollars, for a total of more than $1 million.

So yes, it would appear the man with the haircut is very guilty. But it's up to the Obama Justice Department to choose to prosecute or not. And certain members of the North Carolina elite think John Edwards should get off because he is special and this is merely a white-person crime.

"John is working everyday to be a good father and this is an inopportune time for this to occur, less than two months after the death of his children’s mother," said a source close to the family.

Aww, he's trying so hard not to bang random women and defraud the nation's voters because the wife he cheated on has now died of the cancer she had while all this was going on. John Edwards, by the way, can pay a pauper woman to leave her own children to take care of his, then pay to kill her at the end of the day, and repeat this process for the rest of their lives. Meanwhile, the rest of the children in this nation who have imprisoned parents are forced to depend on the kindness of angels helping professional baseball players convince Danny Glover to take them in.

“There must not be much other crime in North Carolina,” said one former public corruption prosecutor. “What’s the point of pursuing this kind of case against a guy who’s already been thoroughly disgraced?”

Yeah, why do we prosecute people at all? Just let everybody break the law when they want and then tell the public about it when it happens. Seems fair. [ MSNBC ]