Famous 2008 presidential sex-haver John Edwards is probably going to be indicted very soon for violating campaign laws in how he covered it all up, NBC News is reporting. “Son of a mill worker!” Edwards cursed to himself upon hearing this news, taking his lord’s name in vain. “We do not believe there is evidence that John has violated any election laws,” his attorney, Wade Smith, said, obviously very forcibly. Hey, you know who else was named “Wade”? John Edwards’ son who died. You know who else in John Edwards’ family died? His wife, the one that everybody loved. Those are the two reasons John Edwards should get whatever he wants, from staying out of jail to bedding all the floozies he wants to the presidency. What do you say, Iowa caucus-goers? John Edwards 2012: Campaigning From Jail Just Like His Close Personal Friend Martin Luther King.
To recap:
The money used to support Hunter and Young in hiding came from two wealthy Edwards donors: a reclusive heiress, Rachel “Bunny” Mellon, and Edwards’ former finance chairman, Fred Baron. Insiders say, each provided hundreds of thousands of dollars, for a total of more than $1 million.
So yes, it would appear the man with the haircut is very guilty. But it’s up to the Obama Justice Department to choose to prosecute or not. And certain members of the North Carolina elite think John Edwards should get off because he is special and this is merely a white-person crime.
“John is working everyday to be a good father and this is an inopportune time for this to occur, less than two months after the death of his children’s mother,” said a source close to the family.
Aww, he’s trying so hard not to bang random women and defraud the nation’s voters because the wife he cheated on has now died of the cancer she had while all this was going on. John Edwards, by the way, can pay a pauper woman to leave her own children to take care of his, then pay to kill her at the end of the day, and repeat this process for the rest of their lives. Meanwhile, the rest of the children in this nation who have imprisoned parents are forced to depend on the kindness of angels helping professional baseball players convince Danny Glover to take them in.
“There must not be much other crime in North Carolina,” said one former public corruption prosecutor. “What’s the point of pursuing this kind of case against a guy who’s already been thoroughly disgraced?”
Yeah, why do we prosecute people at all? Just let everybody break the law when they want and then tell the public about it when it happens. Seems fair. [MSNBC]
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He is rich, tall(ish) and has good hair. What more do you want from the man. Leave John Edwards alone!11!
We need to know if he's well hung.
I don't think that is the end they want to know about when they do a meet and greet in prison.
Couldn't happen to a nicer guy, really.
Bieber/Edwards 2016.
Far better to indict this white guy rather than any of the G.W. Bush war criminals, Jack?
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It's not an either/or.
I had no sympathy for George Ryan, and I have no sympathy for John Edwards.
I have no sympathy for Dick Cheney, and I have no sympathy for Karl Rove.
But these criminals will never get prosecuted by Hopey McChange's DoJ, unlike washed up, never going to be anybody again, John Edwards.
The reason why this is so is because Hopey's DoJ is George W. Bush's DoJ., with a new guy nominally in charge.
This is why they're going after whistle blowers, rather than investigating how the hell the Department of Justice rubber-stamped all the crimes committed by the G.W.Bush Administration.
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I agree with what you wrote. But just because others SHOULD be prosecuted doesn't mean that Edwards shouldn't.
Lots of white collar criminals are washed up because they aren't caught until they are publicly disgraced. That doesn't mean they should be let off the hook because they were embarrassed.
We should dig up Reagan and try him for treason.
This is good news…for Sarah Palin?
For Herman Cain.
/cannot get meme out of head
How do I become friends with Bunny Mellon and Fred Baron? Because I have some alimony to pay for the child who was not mine with a woman I've never met. Also, I could use a few.
I'm getting in line right behind you. This guy has some serious powers of persuasion.
Well, you fuck older lady Bunny Mellon, and you promise Fred Baron access to something important.
I think they are both deceased unfortunately.
Rachael "Bunny" Mellon? A rich guy named Baron? How can these names be real?
How can people named "Bunny" not be rich?
How can people named "Bunny" not spend every moment of their lives being ridiculed?
She's Thorton (inventor of the triple lindy) Mellon's mother.
They are a couple of the Presidents that got left off the roll call at Disneyland.
"Look out! It's the fRed Baron!" *AIRPLANE NOISES*
Man, no wonder we don't tax rich people, they're so cool!
It's like a North Carolina version of Dallas.
Okay, you get up in Baron Davis's grille. I'll watch.
Sons of mill workers lay pipe.
That's one successful son of mill worker that can pay $1 million upkeep/hush money on a mistress and a bastard. Most mill workers I know never have to drop more than a $100 at the local bordello.
It pays to have friends in the right places.
Son of a mill worker, my friend; son.
Will Dave Matthews Band play his jailhouse wedding?
Can we arrest Dave Matthews too, oh please oh please?
Now now don't arrest poor Dave Mathews, just confiscate his sound system.
Would it help if I offered to punch him in the throat so hard he'll never be able to sing again?
I'm your go-to guy for throat-punching.
That's how he got his voice. Oh, and Alanis Morrisette. also. tambien.
Well, now, people gave him money so he could give his ladyfriend and baby a place to stay. Umm kay, and now this is illegal, why? Because he failed to disclose this money as a "campaign contribution?" But, if he claimed these were campaign contributions, they would be improper, illegal expenditures. This does not compute; these weren't "campaign conttributions" that he improperly failed to disclose, these were "Mistress Support" contributions, and there are no reporting requirements on mistress-support contributions.
Geeze marie, a guy can't go and b ang and apparently eat with great relish some strange pussy, then pay an aide to claim he fathered the bastard issue of said strange encounter, without all ya'all getting all tsk-tsk finger-pointing and puritannical. Fuck yall, leave John Edwards alone!
I'd like you to represent me in court next time I need that, OK?
"…there are no reporting requirements on mistress-support contributions."
Easy to tell you've never been divorced.
And what kind of relish was it that he put on Rielle? Piccalilli?
I'm with Prommie…jeez, he got laid, so what? At least he had a little better taste in women than say…Todd Palin.
I see you missed out on Prommie's brilliant irony.
Note to Xtine and Sarah the Simple, being purty and having good hair like Johnny Mill isn't enough.
Sitcom concept: "Cell Mates" starring John Edwards and Christine O'Donnell.
Sent to prison for crimes they didn't [well, ok, did] commit, will these two jailbirds get over their political bickering and become lovebirds instead? An "Odd Couple" for the 21st century!
"Buffoon Buddies"
I like Zoey Deschanel for the Xtine part. (The premise would be she lost a ton of weight, because she despises prison food. It would be an endless source of nutty wisecracks!) And we somehow could work in Julie Louis Dreyfus as her mom. She always slays me.
Who could be a good Johnny Mill?
Hugh Grant, of course. With special guest star Divine Brown (as herself) in the adjoining cell.
Oh, please. Zoey's eyes would be wasted on this part. But thanks for reminding me.
Oh, and Wanda Sykes as the sassy, black neighbor next-cell-over.
Any room for Blagojevich in there? He's got a qualifying 'do.
Sure: the wacky neighbor from cellblock 7B, puts in occasional guest appearances. Played by Joe Pesci in an uncredited role (and a troublesome wig).
If he floated the idea of an abortion around Rielle, I think we can kill him.
Bunny Mellon is the best stripper I've ever seen!!!
And yes she is from Pittsburgh. This just goes to show the world how ridiculous my home town's politics are. That being that a major player is named "Bunny".
Just in time for Easter, too.
Her real name is Rachel Lowe Lambert Lloyd Mellon. Let that sink in for a minute…
Lambert Mellon was the best linebacker to play for the Steelers. EVER!
Why do the rich need so many different names?
So they don't have to think so hard when they check in to hotels with their girlfriends? It's just pick two, any two.
It's just three in a hundred years…one every twenty five years or so…maybe she wore them out.
Sounds like Bunny went through men like she went threw a box of tissues.
And she's rich? Let me at her!
And she's a hundred years old? Never mind!
While not a guarantee of anything, "Mellon" is an awfully promising surname.
That's a lot of husbands…
I saw Bunny Mellons on a double bill with Fonda Peters at the Country Palace, back in the day. It was the night Anna Nicole met old J. Howard, and when we asked if he was worried for health reasons, he just shrugged and said "If she dies, she dies."
Shout out for my childhood hometown! Besides, whatever issues Pittsburgh may have, the town could have worse major players. Names such as Newt and Mitt come to mind…
Shout out heard and held dear like a soft kitten. South Side Repen' North Side livin' and nat. Now lets get some irn and chipped ham, and go to esliberty to watch the stiilers. I'll meet yinz up-dere
Jeeze people, give the guy a break. It's not like he screwed up the National Anthem or anything.
Please, if he didn't want to go to jail, he should have used the money to figure our rationales for torture for the Bush Administration.
John, is that Yoo?
It's what you get when you lay down with dogs, Johnny Boy. Fleas! (Or in this case probably a good case of crabs since Lisa Druck looks like she got around before she finally found a sucker.)
Crabs aren't forever.
This is tragic.
Mirrors and other shiny objects are forbidden contraband where he's going. Mr. Edwards will be forced to approach other inmates very close in order to gaze at his own image in their corneal reflection. This is generally considered bad prison etiquette.
File this indictment under: He is such a wretched human being that he is going to do time or go broke trying not to.
Sure there are plenty of worse people to go after but fucknutz Edwards deserves this one.
They said they'll have the fish, steward.
Somehow I don't think "Letter from Federal Pound-me-in-the-ass Prison" will be a bestseller.
Bunny and the Baron! Sounds like, what, a night club act?
Milwaukee had an husband-&-wife lounge act in the 90s, Thunder & Lighting, who were Neil Diamond & Patsy Cline impersonators. Oddly enough, I saw them open for rhythm n' rock act Citizen King.
In this case, the Captain and Tenille yachting caps they wear will be real.
I think maybe a fairy tale, huh?
Didn't they have top billing at that lesbian sex club that the Republicans went to last year?
Couldn't his parents just give the hush money then everything would of been O.K., like John Ensign?
Rachel “Bunny” Mellon gave hushup money? That's the ruling class. The Mellons are one of the five richest families in the US. Why would they give money to the son of a mill worker to conceal his hanky-panky-now-you're-preggers activities? That for him and what for them?
& how'd that affect the family reunions, what with Richard Mellon Scaife doing a 180 & supporting Hillary?
They could get the "Boss", Bruce Springsteen to perform…..Oh wait, I thought you said Scialfa.
Well nothing, but only because he lost the primaries and didn't get the VP nod this time around. If he had won the Presidency, however, who knows?
Wade Smith. . . He was the attorney for the family of that idiot that killed all those kids on Virginia Tech Campus.
Good company for Edwards. I used to think he wasn't so bad. So now y'all know how bad my judgement is.
Are you kidding? Edwards made his millions as a ambulance chaser. That's why I never liked the guy, pretty hair notwithstanding.
The one case where he made millions was a good cause, though. It ultimately saved many children's lives I'm certain. Child had her guts pulled out of her anus by suction in whirlpool / jacuzzi. Conduits are now, by law, protected by raised grates.
Hate to admit it, but I bought into him also. I pride myself on being exceptionally intuitive and perceptive. I fucked up big time with this asshole.
Right there wit youse guys. He ws the only one talking about the "2 nations" and the rich people fucking everybody else. Funny thing is, it wasn't that long ago that the sex stuff would have been considered out of bounds or irrelevant, and we'd have never heard of it even tho the reporters all knew about it.
John got himself into some Rielle serious shit.
Can't he just head back to Haiti till all this blows over?
"Edwards’ former finance chairman, Fred Baron"
I enjoy his pizza and his relentless pursuit of that irreverent beagle.
Curse you, Fred Baron!
Anybody paying $500 for a haircut deserves to be indicted, but let's start with Perry and Mittens first.
I want to see this almost as much as I want to see O'Donnell hang for her campaign finance hijinks. In fact, the two of them would make a great couple. He likes to bang crazies, and she is currently a spinster shrew. A match if ever there was.
Her supporters in DE STILL love her. She's very polite, you know. ARRGHHH.
I got news for you, buddy, but I'll let my neighbours tell the story of how wild and kinky I get when my Christian Rock Music STAR boyfriend comes around for the weekend. Spinster shrew, my a … hey! Gedaway from there!
They'd be a great couple: He has a magnificent head of hair, and she has a magnificent crotch of hair.
Does he like pudding, though?
I have faith that our supporters and the general public will see right through these thug tactics. This is simply an Establishment trick to stop the anti-establishment Tea Party movement in its tracks….Heck, the Presidency is at stake in 2012.
Oh wait, that's the wrong campaign contribution funneler.
He's not a Republican, and this isn't torture. My guess is the Obama DOJ nails him to the cross.
BIPARTISANSHIPS!!!!11
No, no, that was the Romans…the Obama DOJ will have him stoned to death in the public square.
WIN
Newt thinks not prosecuting this case would be a travesty of justice. No, really that's what he thinks. Cheating on your cancerous wife is just awful according to the former Speaker. What's that you say? He did? Well that's different.
Edwards and I grew up in similar towns in NC, with similar working class parents, in eras not too much different. Lucky for me, though, I have just regular hair, I am not rich nor am I boyishly handsome. So, whew!
Of course, Edwards is not the first wife-murderer Wade Smith has defended…Remember Jeff MacDonald ("the hippies did it")?
He had good hair, too, if I remember correctly. And a green beret. Huzzah! (AND, he got a new wife while in prison. That's a trick that never ceases to amaze me.)
And he stills says he didn't do it!
How is Edwards a "wife-murderer"?
humilation=murder, obvs!
A little psycho strange isn't so exciting anymore, is it Johnny?
The most important question is, will he be allowed to have 1 billion dollar haircut (or something like that according to wing-nuts) while in prison? And if the answer is yes, are we -the-tax-payers- paying for it?
“John is working everyday to be a good father and this is an inopportune time for this to occur, less than two months after the death of his children’s mother,” said a source close to the family.
Sweet Jeez, 'source close to the family,' could you be a little more opaque?
Yes, it is indeed 'inopportune' when those pesky federal indictments 'occur,' so soon after the death of the woman who bore (most of) your children and who you publicly humiliated in your quest for, what we used to refer to as 'strange.'
Never fear, John. You'll be getting plenty of strange where you're going.
I always like it when they say that this is an inopportune time to prosecute. Is there really a good time? Like the song says, "If you can't do the time, then don't do the crime"
If Obama’s DOJ Will Pull Trigger
So is "pulling Trigger" how Sarah Palin will squirm her way in and make this all about her, too?
On the one hand, he abused campaign finance laws and should be prosecuted. On the other hand, we have to hear more about this stupendously unimaginative classless boor. You know you're working hard to stay in the public eye when Mark Sanford's heterosexual affair is more interesting and yet Edwards, three years out from his last public disgrace, is still making the news.
He's a Democrat. His crimes are twice as horrific as anything done by a Republican. I thought that was beyond dispute at this point. He'll probably get life. While Sanford was last seen staring at tits on a South American beach.
"Illegitimate daughter of a license plate maker" just doesn't have quite the same ring to it.
Why can't the old ambulance chaser just sue somebody? That will keep the dogs off. I mean like sue the DOJ, or Reille (the imperial aerosol kid….fuck, wrong name again) or his ex-wife's estate. Srsly, what a two-bit, washed-up useless turd.
Is John in the middle seat between the Jive talkin' guys? RIP Barbara Billingsley, we really need you now.
I have no idea what your interpretation of this context is, but I upfist any salute to Barbara Billingsley (or Airplane).
Jesus H. Fuck! George W. Soprano and his pals looted this fucking country for 8 years, lied us into the longest war in our history and turned America into a festering shithole because some invisible guy in the sky told them it was all OK, but Edwards gets indicted for having his buddies help him hide the spare snatch? Much more of this shit and I'll just be babbling like the Channel 2 newswoman at the Grammys.
God, and then Tony Danza died the quickest smoking-related death ever.
The former governor of IL is in jail serving his sentence…this guy should face the music like anyone else. If you can't do the time, don't do the crime.
If we start lining all the elected crooks, scammers, grifters and liars up and prosecuting them, beginning with Shrub's buddies, we can keep the legal industry buzzing until the next century! Seriously, they all did the crimes and they should all end up teaching in at-risk schools and serving at soup kitchens. Not sitting around Allenwood, swapping stories and writing their best sellers.
Dodged a bullet with ol' Johnny Boy, didn't we?
Yeah, there's that.
About fucking time, I'm all shot up.
If he ends up in prison, he'll find out there really ARE "Two Americas".
I know the guy isn't perfect, I feel bad for his wife, but he was just getting a little on the side. He's man, men will do anything for
a little extra. People shoudn't throw stones when they live in glass houses. I know 20 men alone who have sex with other women on a regular basis and they are "married". Men are horn dogs, accept it!!
Can't we just make him perform on Dancing With the Stars, like DeLay, and be done with it?
pretty much going to die in jail or prison, maybe both.
The money used to support Hunter and Young in hiding came from two wealthy Edwards donors: a reclusive heiress, Rachel “Bunny” Mellon, and Edwards’ former finance chairman, Fred Baron. Insiders say, each provided hundreds of thousands of dollars, for a total of more than $1 million.
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I don't know about Baron's motives, but Bunny Mellon is almost 100 years old…I'd bet the rent money that Edwards earned his money by refreshing her memory about certain uses for the bedroom…
That takes it. I'm givin' up pussy for good and ever!
And he shall continue to rue the day his friends offered to say that they would pay the way to keep the lay at bay.
He was so sloppy with this. I'd like to find a senator who hasn't broken campaign finance law, but they're usually smarter than this.
So Pretty-Boy Edwards munched a crunchy old muffin for cash and support. Bubba Clinton did the same with that worn-out piece of ass Harriman broad during his first Presidential race. Republican Candidates seem to be satisfied just to fuck the voters.
I've been mentally alt-texting that photo with those same exact words since Wonkette first started using it. Apparently I share a delayed psychic connection with Stuef!
And she's never been photographed?
Gee, I wonder why…
Hey now, if she's really old she's liable to keel over any minute; I could be the male Anna Nicole Smith.
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