pleasant peninsulas

400-Pound Woman’s Robbery Foiled When Scooter Gets Stuck; Then She’s Tasered

Scooter crime: Michigan edition.

Investigators said Perkins was attempting to leave the Rochester Road Meijer with more than $600 worth of stolen electronic merchandise when her cart got stuck and she was unable to drive out the door. […]

Perkins — approximately 5 foot 2 and 400 pounds — shoved a loss prevention officer and hit her in the face, according to the Oakland County Sheriff’s Office. […]

The deputy Tasered Perkins, who then complied with the deputy’s commands and was taken to jail.

But, unfortunately, the deputy was spattered in the face with hot sizzling suet. That’s Pure Michigan. [Macomb Daily]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here with a few helpful links to ease your transition to Disqus - Claiming Old Accounts - Claiming Your ID Comments - Turning off Disqus Notifications. And, as always, remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • http://littlewanking.blogspot.com/ harry_palmer

    Who hasn't had an iPad accidently get lost under their tits?

    • PristineODummy

      We need to meet. Clearly, you are my last remaining hope of satisfying my fetish for iPad searches.

  • V572625694

    Ha ha, "loss prevention officer." The correct term is "store detective."

    Word nerd gripe: Not every dick at a desk is an "officer." An officer is someone to whom the gummint has delegated some component of its authority, like cops or commissioned members of the military, or Sarah Palin.

    • Troubledog

      Chief Technology Officers everywhere, just go ahead and start drinking and smoking again right now. If that's not bad enough, I was also once a Support Enforcement Officer. I hope I get cancer. Oddly I feel at peace.

      Update: Men came to my home and took all my belongings. They handed me a resource brochure. When I reached out to take it, one of them injected me with an unknown substance.

      Update: I am slipping in and out of a coma. Nothing awaits me but death's warm embrace.

      • ShaveTheWhales

        Um, this is possibly the weirdest comment I've ever read on Wonkette.

        Congratulations.

        May I suggest you cross-post it to Kafkette?

  • Troubledog

    Tell O'Reilly we may have another explanation for ocean tidal action.

    Better photo here: Jerrie Perkins, 30F, Pontiac, MI

    Sweet jesus, another one: You can become Jerrie's first friend! Add Jerrie as a Friend

    • Lascauxcaveman

      If you're gonna be a failure in life, you might as well be a big failure.

    • Not_So_Much

      Why did I click on those links? Cuz I'm an asshole and desire fresh, new, vivid nightmares I guess. May you also be cursed by the haunting image of her hovering, jowly, whitehead ready to essplode all across the screen. (worst pron money-shot ending ever)

    • GOPCrusher

      If you drop a tennis ball and it begins orbiting you, it may be time to step away from the All-You-Can Eat Buffet at Golden Corral.

      • jus_wonderin

        "I didn't steal that. It got sucked into my gravity well."

    • EdFlintstone

      She looks more like a Butch Perkins.

    • HedonismBot

      AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

  • Mahousu

    Her picture in the article says "Click to enlarge." Is that really necessary?

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    She'll curse the day she didn't go with the 12-Volt.

    As a perpetual optimist, maybe she was trying to steal 50 Shake-Weights.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      "And I would've gotten away it, if it wasn't for you meddling 300 extra pounds of flab."

  • SorosBot

    When you're too fat to walk, crime may be a bad idea because a quick getaway is not exactly easy.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Oh well, genius does not always lead to a life of crime. There are the guys with the flashing lights in their tenny-runners who try to evade the cops on a dark night or use their own printed deposit slips for the bank hold-up note. The Federal pen tends to have higher than average IQ but da State pen not so much.

      • DaRooster

        Don't forget the guy in Kansas (I think) that tried to outrun the cops with a stolen steam roller after a bank heist.

        Brilliance all over this country!

  • bureaucrap

    "Let me go, copper, or I'll run ya over with my rascal!"

  • Come here a minute

    God knows what a cavity search would have turned up.

    • GuyClinch

      Cavities?

    • GOPCrusher

      A half eaten bag of Cheetos?

    • Fare la Volpe

      Her firstborn?

    • Steverino247

      Jupiter?

    • GOPCrusher

      Vince Schlomie, The Sham-Wow Guy?

    • jus_wonderin

      Proof of parallel universes???

    • lulzmonger

      A Honda Civic?

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

      A trough?

  • edgydrifter

    If only her flab hauler hadn't crapped out on the threshold of freedom. The chopper footage of deputies laying down a Twinkies strip in her path to arrest her hellblazing charge of terror would have been awesome!

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      For an extra $10 she could have gotten the "getaway" model. But instead she's headed to The (Extra) Big House.

  • HistoriCat

    A sheriff’s deputy arrived and asked Perkins to put her hands behind her back, but she “cursed at the deputy, balled her right hand into a fist and took a fighting stance

    Perkins was right to pissed – the deputy had no business telling her to put her hands behind her back when she was clearly incapable of doing anything close to that.

    • Fare la Volpe

      I would ask how she wipes, but I'm quite sure I can guess the answer to that…

      • PristineODummy

        Because you know she doesn't. Or maybe she rolls around in flour and hoses off the excess.

        • LetUsBray

          Oh, that's gonna haunt my dreams…

      • jus_wonderin

        Well, if she gets community service she can use that Extendo Hand that they give out (with the orange vests) to pick up trash.

      • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

        She just sits on a modified boot cleaner to clean off and masturbate at the same time.

    • transfatz

      Umm, how does a 400 pound 5' 2" woman take a "fighting stance"? She's probably got about one stance she can do. I suppose if she teetered a bit it might be considered threatening.

  • Gopherit

    This is like a wonkette version of a perfect rainbow.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Double Rainbow.

      • CapnFatback

        "Double Stuf Oreos, all the way."

    • LetUsBray

      Still needz moar buttsecks.

      • DoktorZoom

        GAHHHHHHHH!!!! WHY DID YOU MAKE ME THINK OF THAT IMAGE?????!!!!!

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Could this happen in one of your Socialist Yuropeen countries, people?

    No! Only in America!

    USA! USA! USA!
    ~

  • MinAgain

    I smell barbecue.

    • DaRooster

      She just worked up a sweat… driving.

      • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

        I bet she when she sweats she smells like 7 day old lunch meat.

    • PristineODummy

      Step away from her, then.

  • widestanceroman

    Too bad there is no photo of her on her scooter being towed downtown for booking (and no, that is NOT a euphemism).

  • SorosBot

    Fuck, even on a goofy story like this the newspaper's comments are filled with wingnuts pushing their agenda. The non-sequitor and nonsensical comments a dig at green energy, complaining that the state pays prisoners' medical bills, calling her a "welfare queen" (guess it's refreshing that they used the term for a white lady?), and praise for Jay Leno.

    • jim89048

      But someone brought up my favorite new name for those things, "Lard Rover"

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Lol, never heard that one before. It's great.

    • PsycWench

      A lot of them are bitching about the tasering…was it really necessary? But I imagine taking her in would be a lot like carrying an extra large futon mattress upstairs while the mattress is fighting to get loose.

      • SorosBot

        Yeah, it's not all winguts, but they are infesting the place.

      • 102415

        Yes, if the futon smelled.

        • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

          And was self-soiling.

  • XOhioan

    Personal mobility scooters don't rob people; people rob people.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Boot scootin' burgling.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Only in US America.

  • HolyMaracas

    Don't Tase the Whales!

  • MARCdMan

    We need video of this, I love watching morons get tazed.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Cheese?

  • bumfug

    Does Lane Bryant sell orange jumpsuits?

    • chickensmack

      That's only if she killed a person. Why, is someone missing? Did she shit a femur?

    • PristineODummy

      Yes, but not in her size.

    • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

      They actually have problems with this, our local county jail was sued for not having a uniform large enough for a child molester when he stood at a hearing, he got a settlement.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    At 5’2” and 400lbs she’s probably fairly spherical. She should try rolling.

    • not that Dewey

      Spheres are only marginally stable when balanced upon a Rascal seat.

  • PublicLuxury

    Rebulicans on their way to committee meeting

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    How does a woman that short and that fat–perfectly round–take a "fighting stance"?

    The deputies must have flipped a coin to decide who had to taze her.

  • CapeClod

    I'm surprise that it was an electronic store and not a Stop & Shop.

    • DaRooster

      KFC?

    • agonista

      Meijer is more like a gigantic grocery store with a KMart attached. A little more upscale than Super WalMart, but not much.

    • GOPCrusher

      Boston Market?

  • GuyClinch

    She can hardly be blamed when electronic devices and tubs of Lloyd's bar-b-q give in to the laws of physics and form orbits around her mass. That's not stealing–that's being planetary.

  • PsycWench

    Note that the culprit is 30 years old…way too old to justify that fighting stance crap, and way, way too young to have a BMI >70.

    • SorosBot

      What mentality drives a woman to fight when she's caught red-scootered committing a crime? Shoplifting leads to a slap on the wrist; assault and resisting arrest are a lot more serious.

      • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

        I never understood the whole stealing thing myself.

  • Weenus299

    Yeah, that's funny. This isn't. Sorry for being a killjoy. http://www.thestate.com/2011/02/14/1695169/homeow

    • GuyClinch

      So breaking into a truck and fleeing on your sad bicycle leads to justifiable homicide on the part of the truck's owner in South Carolina, huh? I wonder where in the back he actually shot him… *heavy sad sigh*

    • DaRooster

      Shot while breaking into a pick up parked in the back of the residence?

      I can hear the testimony now- "That was MY rat infested, broke down, hasn't run in 16 years, truck. I was gonna rebuild it after I fix that damn screen door… next year."

  • Fare la Volpe

    We now bring you exclusive footage from the scene, as officers surround the suspect.
    http://dingo.care2.com/pictures/greenliving/uploa

  • http://www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/cheaphits/reviews/ cheaphits

    Yeah, it's funny, but when someone 5'2' weighs in at over 400 lbs at her age, apparently has no friends, cannot get around on her own two legs, is accused of shoplifting and decided to fight the good fight against armed cops it shows to me the breakdown of mental health services available to people of limited means. Jail will not help her or society. The universal taze 'em, fuck 'em, throw 'em in the slammer attitude of today. USA! USA! USA!

    And a special thanks to the rotting corpse of Ronnie Raygun.

    • http://www.wonkette.com PresBeeblebrox

      It is also a sad commentary on the state of US law enforcement when a gang of roid-crazed, badge-wearing Iraqistan veterans find it necessary to fucking shoot electric current through the body of a 400-pound, scooter-bound woman to DISABLE her. What's next? Tasering old ladies in their hospital beds and unruly 9-year-old students? Wait…..wut?

      • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

        Yeah, they should have just shot her tires out.

  • http://www.wonkette.com PresBeeblebrox

    There is a niche in the ninth circle of Hades reserved for newspaper website commentors, which I believe is right next to the barrators and sorcerers. They are a truly repulsive subspecies of Homo Sapiens.

    Some papers now charge people to leave and read comments. I, for one, love that idea. Reading that shit/tripe gets really old.

    • emmelemm

      I still think Yahoo comments are the worst. Never, ever, EVER allow your eye to fall over a smattering of Yahoo comments. You will be sorry.

  • Kidneys4Sale

    Having grown up in Michigan, I must say this story is rather boring. Wake me up when they find the rat farm marked 'Sugar Gliders' hidden below her trailer.

  • hagajim

    5 foot 2 and 400 pounds Holy hell! This woman was as wide as she is tall…did they have to tase her with a gun attached to a car battery? Damn!

    • GOPCrusher

      Being that big, I'm surprised they didn't burn up the taser. It was probably like shooting an elephant with a BB Gun.

  • jus_wonderin

    In the wild, don't they simply tranq them and put a chain on them? I have heard they have emotions just like humans.

  • http://theblueelite.blogspot.com simplyblue7

    meth is one hell of a drug.

  • Midway117

    It's kind of sad/weird/creepy when your mugshot is the best photo you've taken in awhile.

  • LibrulEleet

    I think this is the first time anyone has used the words "Scooter crime" outside the context of the Valerie Plame scandal.

  • lulzmonger

    ♫ Ain't that America … ♫

  • Selfish_T

    Doesn't getting into "a fighting stance" require the ability to stand?

    • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

      Sumos can stand, maybe she is a female version.

  • Negropolis

    Ah! Macomb County, birthplace of the "Reagan Democrat." It's the most white-trash, nouveau riche county in Metropolitan Detroit. I'm embarrassed that she's from my state. This is the same county where a candidate for state senate mailed out a false mailer accusing her opponent of voting to legalize gay sex in the county parks, and when later asked about it said that she'd made it all up.

    Let's just make it more clear; it's where Eminem currently lives and were he went to high school…the few days of the year he was actually in school.

    Wait, how about this: It's the county in which Kid Rock grew up.

    Macomb County was the stopping place of all of the Southerners who came to Michigan via Detroit. They left Detroit when it got "too black" and settled up north.

  • vulpes82

    They're just trolling you now, aren't they, Ken?

  • GregComlish

    "Fighting stance" is just contrived police bullshit. If they needed to "immobilize" this lady, they could have just flipped the switch on her hoveround. The real reason they tazered her is for the shits and giggles of tazering a fatty. They probably laughed about it the whole way back to the station. It's probably going to show up on YouTube.

    • tbogg

      It will only show up on YouTube if there is a God. Here's your chance Big Guy, show us you're real!

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Surely she could have been immobilized with little more than the application of a wafer thin mint.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    I'm pretty sure someone has organized newspaper commentators and letter writers in many media markets. Some 95% of all letters to the editor arrive struggling for coherence, but the letters I get from a few others – all disgusting conservative racists – display far too much sophistication to have sprung from their own heads. I have called them up – ostensibly to confirm the origin of the letter but really just to see how they communicate off the cuff. That's when that sophisticated weaver of lies and savage critic of my efforts turns into a low-talking mumbler who just hates black people and wants to get off the phone ASAP.

    That piece of shit loser sitting on his ass all day and night has got to make the quota somehow, so that probably also explains why you see conservative ideology popping up on newspaper threads that have nothing at all to do with politics.

    But then, I've always been a little paranoid.

  • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

    Inland sea, here we come!