PLEASANT PENINSULAS  11:00 am February 15, 2011

400-Pound Woman’s Robbery Foiled When Scooter Gets Stuck; Then She’s Tasered

by Jack Stuef

Scooter crime: Michigan edition.

Investigators said Perkins was attempting to leave the Rochester Road Meijer with more than $600 worth of stolen electronic merchandise when her cart got stuck and she was unable to drive out the door. [...]

Perkins — approximately 5 foot 2 and 400 pounds — shoved a loss prevention officer and hit her in the face, according to the Oakland County Sheriff’s Office. [...]

The deputy Tasered Perkins, who then complied with the deputy’s commands and was taken to jail.

But, unfortunately, the deputy was spattered in the face with hot sizzling suet. That’s Pure Michigan. [Macomb Daily]

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Hola wonkerados.

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harry_palmer February 15, 2011 at 11:09 am

Who hasn't had an iPad accidently get lost under their tits?

PristineODummy February 15, 2011 at 1:55 pm

We need to meet. Clearly, you are my last remaining hope of satisfying my fetish for iPad searches.

V572625694 February 15, 2011 at 11:11 am

Ha ha, "loss prevention officer." The correct term is "store detective."

Word nerd gripe: Not every dick at a desk is an "officer." An officer is someone to whom the gummint has delegated some component of its authority, like cops or commissioned members of the military, or Sarah Palin.

Troubledog February 15, 2011 at 8:23 pm

Chief Technology Officers everywhere, just go ahead and start drinking and smoking again right now. If that's not bad enough, I was also once a Support Enforcement Officer. I hope I get cancer. Oddly I feel at peace.

Update: Men came to my home and took all my belongings. They handed me a resource brochure. When I reached out to take it, one of them injected me with an unknown substance.

Update: I am slipping in and out of a coma. Nothing awaits me but death's warm embrace.

ShaveTheWhales February 15, 2011 at 11:50 pm

Um, this is possibly the weirdest comment I've ever read on Wonkette.


May I suggest you cross-post it to Kafkette?

Troubledog February 15, 2011 at 11:11 am

Tell O'Reilly we may have another explanation for ocean tidal action.

Better photo here: Jerrie Perkins, 30F, Pontiac, MI

Sweet jesus, another one: You can become Jerrie's first friend! Add Jerrie as a Friend

Lascauxcaveman February 15, 2011 at 12:12 pm

If you're gonna be a failure in life, you might as well be a big failure.

Not_So_Much February 15, 2011 at 12:35 pm

Why did I click on those links? Cuz I'm an asshole and desire fresh, new, vivid nightmares I guess. May you also be cursed by the haunting image of her hovering, jowly, whitehead ready to essplode all across the screen. (worst pron money-shot ending ever)

GOPCrusher February 15, 2011 at 12:37 pm

If you drop a tennis ball and it begins orbiting you, it may be time to step away from the All-You-Can Eat Buffet at Golden Corral.

jus_wonderin February 15, 2011 at 4:42 pm

"I didn't steal that. It got sucked into my gravity well."

EdFlintstone February 15, 2011 at 4:18 pm

She looks more like a Butch Perkins.

HedonismBot February 15, 2011 at 7:25 pm


Mahousu February 15, 2011 at 11:12 am

Her picture in the article says "Click to enlarge." Is that really necessary?

Gratuitous World February 15, 2011 at 11:13 am

She'll curse the day she didn't go with the 12-Volt.

As a perpetual optimist, maybe she was trying to steal 50 Shake-Weights.

Lascauxcaveman February 15, 2011 at 12:13 pm

"And I would've gotten away it, if it wasn't for you meddling 300 extra pounds of flab."

SorosBot February 15, 2011 at 11:14 am

When you're too fat to walk, crime may be a bad idea because a quick getaway is not exactly easy.

weejee February 15, 2011 at 11:25 am

Oh well, genius does not always lead to a life of crime. There are the guys with the flashing lights in their tenny-runners who try to evade the cops on a dark night or use their own printed deposit slips for the bank hold-up note. The Federal pen tends to have higher than average IQ but da State pen not so much.

DaRooster February 15, 2011 at 12:06 pm

Don't forget the guy in Kansas (I think) that tried to outrun the cops with a stolen steam roller after a bank heist.

Brilliance all over this country!

bureaucrap February 15, 2011 at 11:15 am

"Let me go, copper, or I'll run ya over with my rascal!"

Come here a minute February 15, 2011 at 11:18 am

God knows what a cavity search would have turned up.

GuyClinch February 15, 2011 at 11:56 am


GOPCrusher February 15, 2011 at 12:39 pm

A half eaten bag of Cheetos?

Fare la Volpe February 15, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Her firstborn?

Steverino247 February 15, 2011 at 1:14 pm


GOPCrusher February 15, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Vince Schlomie, The Sham-Wow Guy?

jus_wonderin February 15, 2011 at 4:44 pm

Proof of parallel universes???

lulzmonger February 15, 2011 at 11:12 pm

A Honda Civic?

slowhansolo February 16, 2011 at 11:34 pm

A trough?

edgydrifter February 15, 2011 at 11:19 am

If only her flab hauler hadn't crapped out on the threshold of freedom. The chopper footage of deputies laying down a Twinkies strip in her path to arrest her hellblazing charge of terror would have been awesome!

JustPixelz February 15, 2011 at 11:27 am

For an extra $10 she could have gotten the "getaway" model. But instead she's headed to The (Extra) Big House.

HistoriCat February 15, 2011 at 11:19 am

A sheriff’s deputy arrived and asked Perkins to put her hands behind her back, but she “cursed at the deputy, balled her right hand into a fist and took a fighting stance

Perkins was right to pissed – the deputy had no business telling her to put her hands behind her back when she was clearly incapable of doing anything close to that.

Fare la Volpe February 15, 2011 at 1:21 pm

I would ask how she wipes, but I'm quite sure I can guess the answer to that…

PristineODummy February 15, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Because you know she doesn't. Or maybe she rolls around in flour and hoses off the excess.

LetUsBray February 15, 2011 at 4:44 pm

Oh, that's gonna haunt my dreams…

jus_wonderin February 15, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Well, if she gets community service she can use that Extendo Hand that they give out (with the orange vests) to pick up trash.

Rarian Rakista February 16, 2011 at 3:17 am

She just sits on a modified boot cleaner to clean off and masturbate at the same time.

transfatz February 16, 2011 at 5:14 am

Umm, how does a 400 pound 5' 2" woman take a "fighting stance"? She's probably got about one stance she can do. I suppose if she teetered a bit it might be considered threatening.

Gopherit February 15, 2011 at 11:19 am

This is like a wonkette version of a perfect rainbow.

horsedreamer_1 February 15, 2011 at 12:09 pm

Double Rainbow.

CapnFatback February 15, 2011 at 1:29 pm

"Double Stuf Oreos, all the way."

LetUsBray February 15, 2011 at 4:44 pm

Still needz moar buttsecks.

DoktorZoom February 15, 2011 at 4:53 pm


ifthethunderdontgetya February 15, 2011 at 11:21 am

Could this happen in one of your Socialist Yuropeen countries, people?

No! Only in America!


MinAgain February 15, 2011 at 11:24 am

I smell barbecue.

DaRooster February 15, 2011 at 12:08 pm

She just worked up a sweat… driving.

Rarian Rakista February 16, 2011 at 3:18 am

I bet she when she sweats she smells like 7 day old lunch meat.

PristineODummy February 15, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Step away from her, then.

widestanceroman February 15, 2011 at 11:26 am

Too bad there is no photo of her on her scooter being towed downtown for booking (and no, that is NOT a euphemism).

SorosBot February 15, 2011 at 11:27 am

Fuck, even on a goofy story like this the newspaper's comments are filled with wingnuts pushing their agenda. The non-sequitor and nonsensical comments a dig at green energy, complaining that the state pays prisoners' medical bills, calling her a "welfare queen" (guess it's refreshing that they used the term for a white lady?), and praise for Jay Leno.

jim89048 February 15, 2011 at 11:57 am

But someone brought up my favorite new name for those things, "Lard Rover"

Lascauxcaveman February 15, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Lol, never heard that one before. It's great.

PsycWench February 15, 2011 at 12:24 pm

A lot of them are bitching about the tasering…was it really necessary? But I imagine taking her in would be a lot like carrying an extra large futon mattress upstairs while the mattress is fighting to get loose.

SorosBot February 15, 2011 at 12:27 pm

Yeah, it's not all winguts, but they are infesting the place.

102415 February 15, 2011 at 4:08 pm

Yes, if the futon smelled.

Rarian Rakista February 16, 2011 at 3:21 am

And was self-soiling.

XOhioan February 15, 2011 at 11:28 am

Personal mobility scooters don't rob people; people rob people.

horsedreamer_1 February 15, 2011 at 11:37 am

Boot scootin' burgling.

ManchuCandidate February 15, 2011 at 11:37 am

Only in US America.

HolyMaracas February 15, 2011 at 11:37 am

Don't Tase the Whales!

MARCdMan February 15, 2011 at 11:48 am

We need video of this, I love watching morons get tazed.

Monsieur_Grumpe February 15, 2011 at 11:49 am


bumfug February 15, 2011 at 11:50 am

Does Lane Bryant sell orange jumpsuits?

chickensmack February 15, 2011 at 12:12 pm

That's only if she killed a person. Why, is someone missing? Did she shit a femur?

PristineODummy February 15, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Yes, but not in her size.

Rarian Rakista February 16, 2011 at 3:24 am

They actually have problems with this, our local county jail was sued for not having a uniform large enough for a child molester when he stood at a hearing, he got a settlement.

Monsieur_Grumpe February 15, 2011 at 11:51 am

At 5’2” and 400lbs she’s probably fairly spherical. She should try rolling.

not that Dewey February 15, 2011 at 12:05 pm

Spheres are only marginally stable when balanced upon a Rascal seat.

PublicLuxury February 15, 2011 at 11:51 am

Rebulicans on their way to committee meeting

donner_froh February 15, 2011 at 12:03 pm

How does a woman that short and that fat–perfectly round–take a "fighting stance"?

The deputies must have flipped a coin to decide who had to taze her.

CapeClod February 15, 2011 at 12:04 pm

I'm surprise that it was an electronic store and not a Stop & Shop.

DaRooster February 15, 2011 at 3:30 pm


agonista February 15, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Meijer is more like a gigantic grocery store with a KMart attached. A little more upscale than Super WalMart, but not much.

GOPCrusher February 15, 2011 at 5:44 pm

Boston Market?

GuyClinch February 15, 2011 at 12:19 pm

She can hardly be blamed when electronic devices and tubs of Lloyd's bar-b-q give in to the laws of physics and form orbits around her mass. That's not stealing–that's being planetary.

Rarian Rakista February 16, 2011 at 3:26 am

The proper scientific term would be General Relativity.

PsycWench February 15, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Note that the culprit is 30 years old…way too old to justify that fighting stance crap, and way, way too young to have a BMI >70.

SorosBot February 15, 2011 at 12:28 pm

What mentality drives a woman to fight when she's caught red-scootered committing a crime? Shoplifting leads to a slap on the wrist; assault and resisting arrest are a lot more serious.

Rarian Rakista February 16, 2011 at 3:27 am

I never understood the whole stealing thing myself.

Weenus299 February 15, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Yeah, that's funny. This isn't. Sorry for being a killjoy.

GuyClinch February 15, 2011 at 12:46 pm

So breaking into a truck and fleeing on your sad bicycle leads to justifiable homicide on the part of the truck's owner in South Carolina, huh? I wonder where in the back he actually shot him… *heavy sad sigh*

DaRooster February 15, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Shot while breaking into a pick up parked in the back of the residence?

I can hear the testimony now- "That was MY rat infested, broke down, hasn't run in 16 years, truck. I was gonna rebuild it after I fix that damn screen door… next year."

Fare la Volpe February 15, 2011 at 1:25 pm

We now bring you exclusive footage from the scene, as officers surround the suspect.

cheaphits February 15, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Yeah, it's funny, but when someone 5'2' weighs in at over 400 lbs at her age, apparently has no friends, cannot get around on her own two legs, is accused of shoplifting and decided to fight the good fight against armed cops it shows to me the breakdown of mental health services available to people of limited means. Jail will not help her or society. The universal taze 'em, fuck 'em, throw 'em in the slammer attitude of today. USA! USA! USA!

And a special thanks to the rotting corpse of Ronnie Raygun.

PresBeeblebrox February 15, 2011 at 1:58 pm

It is also a sad commentary on the state of US law enforcement when a gang of roid-crazed, badge-wearing Iraqistan veterans find it necessary to fucking shoot electric current through the body of a 400-pound, scooter-bound woman to DISABLE her. What's next? Tasering old ladies in their hospital beds and unruly 9-year-old students? Wait…..wut?

Monsieur_Grumpe February 15, 2011 at 4:22 pm

Yeah, they should have just shot her tires out.

PresBeeblebrox February 15, 2011 at 1:55 pm

There is a niche in the ninth circle of Hades reserved for newspaper website commentors, which I believe is right next to the barrators and sorcerers. They are a truly repulsive subspecies of Homo Sapiens.

Some papers now charge people to leave and read comments. I, for one, love that idea. Reading that shit/tripe gets really old.

emmelemm February 16, 2011 at 2:33 am

I still think Yahoo comments are the worst. Never, ever, EVER allow your eye to fall over a smattering of Yahoo comments. You will be sorry.

Kidneys4Sale February 15, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Having grown up in Michigan, I must say this story is rather boring. Wake me up when they find the rat farm marked 'Sugar Gliders' hidden below her trailer.

hagajim February 15, 2011 at 2:14 pm

5 foot 2 and 400 pounds Holy hell! This woman was as wide as she is tall…did they have to tase her with a gun attached to a car battery? Damn!

GOPCrusher February 15, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Being that big, I'm surprised they didn't burn up the taser. It was probably like shooting an elephant with a BB Gun.

jus_wonderin February 15, 2011 at 4:50 pm

In the wild, don't they simply tranq them and put a chain on them? I have heard they have emotions just like humans.

simplyblue7 February 15, 2011 at 5:40 pm

meth is one hell of a drug.

Midway117 February 15, 2011 at 6:50 pm

It's kind of sad/weird/creepy when your mugshot is the best photo you've taken in awhile.

LibrulEleet February 15, 2011 at 6:58 pm

I think this is the first time anyone has used the words "Scooter crime" outside the context of the Valerie Plame scandal.

lulzmonger February 15, 2011 at 11:07 pm

♫ Ain't that America … ♫

Selfish_T February 16, 2011 at 12:51 am

Doesn't getting into "a fighting stance" require the ability to stand?

Rarian Rakista February 16, 2011 at 3:36 am

Sumos can stand, maybe she is a female version.

Negropolis February 16, 2011 at 3:18 am

Ah! Macomb County, birthplace of the "Reagan Democrat." It's the most white-trash, nouveau riche county in Metropolitan Detroit. I'm embarrassed that she's from my state. This is the same county where a candidate for state senate mailed out a false mailer accusing her opponent of voting to legalize gay sex in the county parks, and when later asked about it said that she'd made it all up.

Let's just make it more clear; it's where Eminem currently lives and were he went to high school…the few days of the year he was actually in school.

Wait, how about this: It's the county in which Kid Rock grew up.

Macomb County was the stopping place of all of the Southerners who came to Michigan via Detroit. They left Detroit when it got "too black" and settled up north.

vulpes82 February 16, 2011 at 10:13 am

They're just trolling you now, aren't they, Ken?

GregComlish February 16, 2011 at 10:19 am

"Fighting stance" is just contrived police bullshit. If they needed to "immobilize" this lady, they could have just flipped the switch on her hoveround. The real reason they tazered her is for the shits and giggles of tazering a fatty. They probably laughed about it the whole way back to the station. It's probably going to show up on YouTube.

tbogg February 16, 2011 at 8:23 pm

It will only show up on YouTube if there is a God. Here's your chance Big Guy, show us you're real!

mrblifil February 16, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Surely she could have been immobilized with little more than the application of a wafer thin mint.

slowhansolo February 16, 2011 at 11:57 pm

I'm pretty sure someone has organized newspaper commentators and letter writers in many media markets. Some 95% of all letters to the editor arrive struggling for coherence, but the letters I get from a few others – all disgusting conservative racists – display far too much sophistication to have sprung from their own heads. I have called them up – ostensibly to confirm the origin of the letter but really just to see how they communicate off the cuff. That's when that sophisticated weaver of lies and savage critic of my efforts turns into a low-talking mumbler who just hates black people and wants to get off the phone ASAP.

That piece of shit loser sitting on his ass all day and night has got to make the quota somehow, so that probably also explains why you see conservative ideology popping up on newspaper threads that have nothing at all to do with politics.

But then, I've always been a little paranoid.

Rarian Rakista February 16, 2011 at 3:13 am

Inland sea, here we come!

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