hair apparent

Donald Trump Loves the Gays But Doesn’t Want To Marry Them


Aww, look who’s still pretending to be a serious human being with serious thoughts on world affairs! “I live in New York. New York is a place with lots of gays. And I think it’s great. But I’m not in favor of gay marriage.” Hey, he’s fine with gay people! Some of his best people he’s vaguely aware of living near are gay! Looks like the brilliant GOProud campaign to bring absurd New York personalities to CPAC is really paying dividends for American equality.

(But thanks for the booze, GOProud! You guys were great!)

Let’s cut to Politico now:

Trump entered into the gay marriage fray in 2009, when he defended Carrie Prejean’s stated opposition to gay marriage.

Aaaaaand then let’s cut to cutting our wrists. There, that feels better.

Donald Trump is the perfect candidate. He has the perfect amount of Reagan-esque trashy celebrity background. We always thought Fred Thompson was too highbrow. The average Republican primary voter trying to watch Law and Order is like an average member of the general electorate trying to squirm through a Wagner opera without supertitles. They need their “celebrity” “reality” teevee “shows.” And they need their insulin tanks. [Po’o]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  • Not_So_Much

    Isn't he gay-married to that wombat clinging to his head?

    • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

      No, I am pretty sure that one of them is a parasite, but I am not sure which.

    • FNMA

      Road-kill wombat.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

      I think it’s an anemic brain parasite.

    • kissawookiee

      Needs moar Bryan Fischer silver peltishness.

    • Negropolis

      I hear he keeps that thing on his head against its own will. Surely, it has better sense than he.

  • SorosBot

    How many times has Trump been married again?

    • Serolf_Divad

      How many times has he been gay married? That's the only thing the teatard values-voters want to know.

    • neiltheblaze

      Yes, he's protected straight marriage at least three times now.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        You never know, one of those showy clothes horses could have been a tranny.

        • neiltheblaze

          I've always had my suspicions about Ivana.

        • Negropolis

          I read "showy clothes whores." I'm such a sexist.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

      How many times have one of his companies filed a Chapter 11?
      Ans: A lot.

    • V572625694

      How many guns does he have? That's what we really want to know. And how many of said guns are tasteless, gold-plated display weapons?

      • Terry

        At his level, he doesn't have to own a gun himself. He can surround himself with gentlemen who do.

    • Negropolis

      Enough to field a basketball team starting line-up.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Gays can't marry because I guess they wouldn't do as bang up a job of it as the Donald has, right? Remember, people, RE: marriage–it's apparently quantity & not quality.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    he just likes to watch.

    • SudsMcKenzie

      he was probably "thumbed" once by Melodia

  • freakishlywrong

    It's hardly going out on a limb here to say that the gays probably aren't feeling the lurve for him either. And can Fux find any pontificating, judgmental asshole to further their bigoted agenda other than thrice married conservatards?

  • EatsBabyDingos

    I loves Donald, but I don't want to be gay! Prey for me, homophobes!

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    If the Replugs have any sense (easy, easy, this is just conjecture) they should play their 2012 hand in No-Trump. But even with that it would be bridge to no where.

  • http://littlewanking.blogspot.com/ harry_palmer

    If it were possible, he'd probably prefer to marry himself. We'd be content if he'd just fuck himself.

  • PsycWench

    He probably even lets his gay friends use his bathroom and everything.

    • x111e7thst

      He can afford an extra bathroom for his "gay friends". So the issue does not arise. Does he get them from Gay Friends by the Yard btw?

      • horsedreamer_1

        Grindr.

  • HolyMaracas

    So unlike straights who marry and divorce 6 times, gays want to "shit" on the Marriage Institution, right?

  • slithytoves

    I'm very big into the military…

    But against gay marriage. Oh you hypocrite.

  • Beowoof

    Donald really needs gay man help with that hair piece.

  • Troubledog

    He's a rascal. Like that rascal Charlie Sheen. The olds love him.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Clancy_Pants

    Dude has got to be on the down low. If he had a chance he blew it.. but since he doesn't who cares.

    • Beowoof

      Oh I am pretty sure he blew it down in SoHo, over and over again.

    • widestanceroman

      NO! I am far more willing to accept blame for 9/11 (the crown jewel of homoism) than to accept L'Don in our ranks. I rephewdiate this assertion.

    • Negropolis

      To be serious, he's totally the kind of dude so in love with himself that he probably doesn't much care who and what he gets sex from, so long as they fawn over him like the golden god that he is…in his own head.

  • Mumbletypeg

    Wonkette: come for the snark; stay for the Po'o links

  • baconzgood

    No matter how many times I see him, and how successful he is, I still can't get past his Flo-Be hair cut. Don should give the old "you're fired" to his toupee sales man.

  • prommie

    The short-fingered vulgarian is not what you would call a rocket scientist.

    • freakishlywrong

      Who coined that again? It's insanely spot-on.

      • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

        Late lamented Spy Magazine.

      • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

        “From the Spy Mailroom”: “ ‘A story in yesterday’s [Santa Clara, California, Stanford Daily] reported that Spy magazine publisher Tom Phillips said his magazine consistently refers to Donald Trump as the “short-fingered Bulgarian.” The term Phillips actually used was “short-fingered vulgarian.” The misquotation was not intended as a slur against Bulgarians. The Daily regrets the error.’ ”
        =========================

        Spy Magazine

        I miss them.
        ~

        • freakishlywrong

          Thanks. I still have all my old Spy Magazines. I'll have to look that up.

        • horsedreamer_1

          Graydon Carter doesn't even remember SPY Magazine.

          It's the alcoholic dementia.

          • prommie

            Thats my favorite dementia!

  • DaSandman

    I'm fine with them mo's. I'm fine with mo haircuts and tailoring and designing and Broadway chorusing and bitchy funny theatre criticism. And the Apple is crawling with mo's. Just crawling with mo's.But they can't marry cause under the 2011 Palin Rule, they are only worth 2/5 of a straight person.

    They are the 2/5 thats the in shape well groomed part.

    • SorosBot

      Look at Trump again; there's no way any gay men were responsible for that hair or clothing.

      • Fare la Volpe

        Gay men can be cheap wig makers too, you know.

        Or maybe it's just the bi men. Half the gay at half the price.

        • DaSandman

          Hehe the mo's was Born That Way

          The Donald did that shit to himself, he has no excuse.

  • MildMidwesterner

    They need their “celebrity” “reality” teevee “shows.”

    Fortunately for Trump, he already has a vague association with those "Buy Gold Now" commercials.

  • Oldskool_

    Sorry Donnie but we need to see a hunting license and a tag for that thing on your head.

  • horsedreamer_1

    I remember when Tweety was touting Trump as an independent/third-party candidate in either '00 or '04 — cannot quite remember — & the two blowhards doing an Hardball Special at the Wharton School at Penn.

    It says something that even Matthews has moved on from this guy, then.

    But, who knows, maybe the Blonde Bomber will try to draft Bill Gates, or something. (Perot, Trump, Bloomberg (the blossom came off that turd fairly quick, given the Jewish thing)… Gates? Buffett?… A-Rod??)

  • neiltheblaze

    I'm so glad The Donald approves of the "gay lifestyle" – which I imagine he thinks incorporates the complete recordings of Barbara Streisand, potted ferns, track lighting, interior design, and gourmet cooking.

    But no marriage because that's just icky – and he should know since he's done it enough.

  • Come here a minute

    The Jack is not a fan of The Donald.

  • Pragmatist2

    No self-respectimng gay man would consider any relationship with a man whose hair is that bad.

  • Schmannnity

    Fox is obviously using Trump as a stalking horse. That way, when it finally swings its support behind one of the current "Fox contributors," or some hinterlander, it can say: All the values you like without the pompous New York asshole attached to it.

  • SorosBot

    Now I'm sure it's just a coincidence that Trump is making this noise about possibly running for President just as a new Apprentice season is starting. Right?

  • GayInMaine

    Hmmm. That's okay. We don't want to marry him, either.

    • Terry

      You know, of course, that the more strongly a GOP'er attacks gay people or is against gay-related issues the more likely it is that he's going to end up being a deeply closeted and self hating gay man, himself?

      • Fare la Volpe

        So does that mean Sister Sarah is just a drag queen? It'd make sense: I can't think of a woman born who'd wear that many Bump-Its.

        • Terry

          If she WAS a drag queen, her make up and hair would be better.

  • V572625694

    Trump/Karger 2012!

    • horsedreamer_1

      UNITY (in the booty) 2012.

  • Rosie_Scenario

    Love the citation: "Po'o."

  • Fare la Volpe

    In the right light, his sloping toupee resembles the classical sloping brow of cavemen, teabaggers, etc.

  • LiveToServeYa

    Twice divorced, bankrupt three times: at last, a candidate that embodies the soul of the Republican party.

  • undeterredbyreality

    Plus he's the right color: orange.

  • Schmannnity

    “I live in New York. New York is a place with lots of gays. And I think it’s great. But I’m not in favor of gay marriage.”

    Imagine if he said, "I live in New York. New York is a place with lots of Jews. And I think it's great. But I'm not in favor of Jewish marriage."

  • mavenmaven

    Trump/Prejean 2012!
    Don't laugh, she has *ahem* lots of experience!

  • jus_wonderin

    Let's boycott his products!!!! Or is that boi-cott?

  • MinAgain

    And there you have it. The final word on gay marriage from a champion of traditional "til death do us part" marriage.

  • thefrontpage

    Taking bets now on how soon it will be before Donald Trump:

    –Is found in a compromising position in a park, in a car, in the subway system, or in Central Park with several slightly effeminate men;

    –Is found tapping out coded signals with his feet in one of the bathrooms at Grand Central Station;

    –Is found dancing clad in leather at some out-of-the-way bar in Manhattan that appeals to a certain specific clientele;

    –Is found in some dungeon enjoying certain niche pasttimes with Larry Craig, George Michael and Mark Foley;

    –Is photographed in the Bahamas with a college-age guy carrying his suitcases.

    • Callyson

      I vote for the Bahamas scenario as the most likely one: the others are too low-rent for The Donald (though the dungeon is a possibility if it is posh enough inside.)
      My guess on the timetable is about 6 weeks after it (finally) becomes clear to him that he won't be a serious contender for 2012.

  • PalinPussyPower

    How can someone so irrelevant manage to draw so much attention to himself? He's like a fuzzy headed Palin.

  • Callyson

    I think RuPaul's Drag Race should have an episode where the contestants dress up as a Trump. So many to choose from: Ivana, Ivanka, Marla, not to mention that thing on top of The Donald's head…

  • lochnessmonster

    Sorry Wonkette, I can't read anything about The Donald. He's such an ego head. I'm sure this post was enlightening and hilarious but….

  • Negropolis

    Some of his best people he’s vaguely aware of living…

    Oh, Jack. This was just gold. Trump gold, in fact; the purest, most shiney, most luxurious gold evah, Jack.

    P.S. Would someone remind Trump that he doesn't personally have to officiate weddings if he doesn't want to? He could let one of his many Apprentice (FAIL) winners (losers) do it.

  • Negropolis

    BTW, why do I get the feeling that Trump enjoys even the smell of his own shits?