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Donald Trump Loves the Gays But Doesn’t Want To Marry Them

Aww, look who’s still pretending to be a serious human being with serious thoughts on world affairs! “I live in New York. New York is a place with lots of gays. And I think it’s great. But I’m not in favor of gay marriage.” Hey, he’s fine with gay people! Some of his best people he’s vaguely aware of living near are gay! Looks like the brilliant GOProud campaign to bring absurd New York personalities to CPAC is really paying dividends for American equality.

(But thanks for the booze, GOProud! You guys were great!)

Let’s cut to Politico now:

Trump entered into the gay marriage fray in 2009, when he defended Carrie Prejean’s stated opposition to gay marriage.

Aaaaaand then let’s cut to cutting our wrists. There, that feels better.

Donald Trump is the perfect candidate. He has the perfect amount of Reagan-esque trashy celebrity background. We always thought Fred Thompson was too highbrow. The average Republican primary voter trying to watch Law and Order is like an average member of the general electorate trying to squirm through a Wagner opera without supertitles. They need their “celebrity” “reality” teevee “shows.” And they need their insulin tanks. [Po’o]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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    1. Serolf_Divad

      How many times has he been gay married? That's the only thing the teatard values-voters want to know.

    2. V572625694

      How many guns does he have? That's what we really want to know. And how many of said guns are tasteless, gold-plated display weapons?

  1. Texan_Bulldog

    Gays can't marry because I guess they wouldn't do as bang up a job of it as the Donald has, right? Remember, people, RE: marriage–it's apparently quantity & not quality.

  2. freakishlywrong

    It's hardly going out on a limb here to say that the gays probably aren't feeling the lurve for him either. And can Fux find any pontificating, judgmental asshole to further their bigoted agenda other than thrice married conservatards?

  3. weejee

    If the Replugs have any sense (easy, easy, this is just conjecture) they should play their 2012 hand in No-Trump. But even with that it would be bridge to no where.

    1. x111e7thst

      He can afford an extra bathroom for his "gay friends". So the issue does not arise. Does he get them from Gay Friends by the Yard btw?

  4. HolyMaracas

    So unlike straights who marry and divorce 6 times, gays want to "shit" on the Marriage Institution, right?

    1. widestanceroman

      NO! I am far more willing to accept blame for 9/11 (the crown jewel of homoism) than to accept L'Don in our ranks. I rephewdiate this assertion.

    2. Negropolis

      To be serious, he's totally the kind of dude so in love with himself that he probably doesn't much care who and what he gets sex from, so long as they fawn over him like the golden god that he is…in his own head.

  5. baconzgood

    No matter how many times I see him, and how successful he is, I still can't get past his Flo-Be hair cut. Don should give the old "you're fired" to his toupee sales man.

      1. ifthethunderdontgetya

        “From the Spy Mailroom”: “ ‘A story in yesterday’s [Santa Clara, California, Stanford Daily] reported that Spy magazine publisher Tom Phillips said his magazine consistently refers to Donald Trump as the “short-fingered Bulgarian.” The term Phillips actually used was “short-fingered vulgarian.” The misquotation was not intended as a slur against Bulgarians. The Daily regrets the error.’ ”

        Spy Magazine

        I miss them.

  6. DaSandman

    I'm fine with them mo's. I'm fine with mo haircuts and tailoring and designing and Broadway chorusing and bitchy funny theatre criticism. And the Apple is crawling with mo's. Just crawling with mo's.But they can't marry cause under the 2011 Palin Rule, they are only worth 2/5 of a straight person.

    They are the 2/5 thats the in shape well groomed part.

      1. Fare la Volpe

        Gay men can be cheap wig makers too, you know.

        Or maybe it's just the bi men. Half the gay at half the price.

  7. MildMidwesterner

    They need their “celebrity” “reality” teevee “shows.”

    Fortunately for Trump, he already has a vague association with those "Buy Gold Now" commercials.

  8. horsedreamer_1

    I remember when Tweety was touting Trump as an independent/third-party candidate in either '00 or '04 — cannot quite remember — & the two blowhards doing an Hardball Special at the Wharton School at Penn.

    It says something that even Matthews has moved on from this guy, then.

    But, who knows, maybe the Blonde Bomber will try to draft Bill Gates, or something. (Perot, Trump, Bloomberg (the blossom came off that turd fairly quick, given the Jewish thing)… Gates? Buffett?… A-Rod??)

  9. neiltheblaze

    I'm so glad The Donald approves of the "gay lifestyle" – which I imagine he thinks incorporates the complete recordings of Barbara Streisand, potted ferns, track lighting, interior design, and gourmet cooking.

    But no marriage because that's just icky – and he should know since he's done it enough.

  10. Schmannnity

    Fox is obviously using Trump as a stalking horse. That way, when it finally swings its support behind one of the current "Fox contributors," or some hinterlander, it can say: All the values you like without the pompous New York asshole attached to it.

  11. SorosBot

    Now I'm sure it's just a coincidence that Trump is making this noise about possibly running for President just as a new Apprentice season is starting. Right?

    1. Terry

      You know, of course, that the more strongly a GOP'er attacks gay people or is against gay-related issues the more likely it is that he's going to end up being a deeply closeted and self hating gay man, himself?

      1. Fare la Volpe

        So does that mean Sister Sarah is just a drag queen? It'd make sense: I can't think of a woman born who'd wear that many Bump-Its.

  12. Fare la Volpe

    In the right light, his sloping toupee resembles the classical sloping brow of cavemen, teabaggers, etc.

  13. LiveToServeYa

    Twice divorced, bankrupt three times: at last, a candidate that embodies the soul of the Republican party.

  14. Schmannnity

    “I live in New York. New York is a place with lots of gays. And I think it’s great. But I’m not in favor of gay marriage.”

    Imagine if he said, "I live in New York. New York is a place with lots of Jews. And I think it's great. But I'm not in favor of Jewish marriage."

  15. MinAgain

    And there you have it. The final word on gay marriage from a champion of traditional "til death do us part" marriage.

  16. thefrontpage

    Taking bets now on how soon it will be before Donald Trump:

    –Is found in a compromising position in a park, in a car, in the subway system, or in Central Park with several slightly effeminate men;

    –Is found tapping out coded signals with his feet in one of the bathrooms at Grand Central Station;

    –Is found dancing clad in leather at some out-of-the-way bar in Manhattan that appeals to a certain specific clientele;

    –Is found in some dungeon enjoying certain niche pasttimes with Larry Craig, George Michael and Mark Foley;

    –Is photographed in the Bahamas with a college-age guy carrying his suitcases.

    1. Callyson

      I vote for the Bahamas scenario as the most likely one: the others are too low-rent for The Donald (though the dungeon is a possibility if it is posh enough inside.)
      My guess on the timetable is about 6 weeks after it (finally) becomes clear to him that he won't be a serious contender for 2012.

  17. PalinPussyPower

    How can someone so irrelevant manage to draw so much attention to himself? He's like a fuzzy headed Palin.

  18. Callyson

    I think RuPaul's Drag Race should have an episode where the contestants dress up as a Trump. So many to choose from: Ivana, Ivanka, Marla, not to mention that thing on top of The Donald's head…

  19. lochnessmonster

    Sorry Wonkette, I can't read anything about The Donald. He's such an ego head. I'm sure this post was enlightening and hilarious but….

  20. Negropolis

    Some of his best people he’s vaguely aware of living…

    Oh, Jack. This was just gold. Trump gold, in fact; the purest, most shiney, most luxurious gold evah, Jack.

    P.S. Would someone remind Trump that he doesn't personally have to officiate weddings if he doesn't want to? He could let one of his many Apprentice (FAIL) winners (losers) do it.

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