bigotry late night

Bryan Fischer Finally Says Something Terrible Enough To Have Op-Ed Pulled

It never ceases to amaze us this white man loves white men.American Family Association resident expert/terrible human Bryan Fischer decided last week that it was okay for white people to take America from the Indians because Native Americans are savages. He’s a mercantile-charter strict constructionist, in other words. But apparently the Injuns found his ranch house and put their tomahawks to his scalp, because the preacher man removed the offending post from the AFA’s webzine. “I posted a column on the settlement of America by Europeans. The column generated so much intense, vitriolic and profane reaction that it threatened to take on a life of its own, and serve as a distraction to the fundamental mission of AFA,” he wrote. Way to go, you guys!

Fischer tried to be mature about calling Native Americans worthless animal heathens who never had morals and don’t deserve a place on the Earth. But you ruined it. Can’t we be civilized when we talk about how great genocide is? Jeez.

But the issue I addressed in the column is an important one, and at some point, a rational discussion and debate about it must be held.

Yeah. But it happened, like, hundreds of years ago. Perhaps we can push Bryan Fischer into a wormhole so he can go have this important conversation with a bunch of smelly wooden-teethed four-feet tall bewigged men around the ol’ chamber pot.

So this is a conversation that needs to take place. But based on the reaction to my column of Tuesday, America is not mature enough right now for that robust dialogue to occur. Until it is ….

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Let us all hope that we died in the nuke magma hurricanes long before America became “mature” enough to talk about whether Native Americans are subhuman demons who deserve to be mass-murdered, yes? [AFA]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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135 comments

  1. DangerHelvetica

    Ah, the old "well I'm sorry if YOU got offended" reasoning. Did any of these foobs mentally develop beyond five years old?

      1. emmelemm

        That wins today (even if it came in at the 11th hour, so to speak).

        The best one ever was when my friend had occasion to say about someone, "Wicca, please."

    1. DoktorZoom

      Hell, he's not even saying "Sorry if you got offended." He's saying, "You morons should be sorry that you were offended, but my stupid boss made me take my perfectly rational and absolutely correct racist screed down. You people should be ashamed of yourself."

      EDIT: "Foobs," eh? I see what you did there. More zippers, mule!

      1. Radiotherapy

        Dok, this whole episode is just laminated with stupidity, hatred and malevolence. Unbelievably, in retracting their sadistic, nonsensical statement, they only look worse, if that's possible. But could you imagine how unhinged that decision was?
        I am forever confounded how blithely they swing from bully to victim and back again.

        1. DoktorZoom

          These are the people who sob as they beat their families–"Look what you made me do to you, you worthless whore!"

          1. Negropolis

            Yeah, but even those cads take their wives/children to dinner to try and make-up and promise never to do it, again. This guy is just plain and unapologically vile.

      2. Swampgas_Man

        Actually what he's saying is, "Even white guys were so pissed off by what I said, (AFA letter-writers, puh-lease,) that my boss made me take this down.

        And by his reference to "profane" reaction, I assume and hope a lot of those white AFA letter-writers called him a motherfucking racist.

  2. glamourdammerung

    This crying about how it is everyone else's fault that a conservative says something appalling is really, really old.

  3. PalinPussyPower

    The problem, buddy, isn't that America is not ready to discuss this topic. The problem is that leaving the syphilis untreated for so long has turned your brain into rancid oatmeal. Penicillin. You're welcome.

    1. Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

      I wouldn't have a problem if the Native Americans gave Fischer a blanket infected with smallpox Semtex.

      1. ChessieNefercat

        Should I look up the not-smallpox word at work, or will I get in trouble?
        Sorry if I'm just plain dumb.

  4. OkieDokieDog

    Uh oh. He forgot that the white men taught the heathen injuns how to read the bible book about the Great White Father.

  5. Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

    "Look, I'm sorry you were offended that I called you a smelly booger-head doodoo-face who smells. But I feel that some important points were raised, and hopefully by the time we get to second grade we'll both be mature enough to discuss the fact that you smell your own farts like it and also have cooties with the seriousness which the matter deserves."

  6. JoshuaNorton

    The column generated so much intense, vitriolic and profane reaction that it threatened to take on a life of its own,

    Shorter Fischer:

    Boy, it REALLY gets annoying when it turns out the people I hate can't stand me either. The freaking nerve of some folks.

  7. ttommyunger

    In the final analysis, he has to Bryan Fischer 24/7. How fucking bad would that be? I can't even imagine it. I know things aren't always what they seem to be, but looking at this maggot in human form, I understand he really is what he seems to be. So sad, so repulsive.

    1. BarryOPotter

      He must lead a double life. I mean, he can't really go on being Bryan Fischer 24/7! That's just crazy! No one could survive being Bryan Fischer 24/7…

    2. chickensmack

      I don't mind who he is. I can ignore him just like I ignored the dude that fired me, because I didn't attend church often enough.

      But he's on the radio. And therefore, by default, he has an audience. Coincidentally, his audience are people who hate violence used as the narrative in movies, but looooove violence against people who differ from them.

  8. trampndirtdown

    Historically whenever a culture with more advanced technology interacts with a culture not as technologically advanced the outcome is not good ( see South America for starters)

  9. Beowoof

    Are you sure its Bryan and not Bobby Fischer, no couldn't be, Bobby Fischer at least had talent beyond being an asshole.

    Once again a conservative racist says what they really think and yet it gets so little media play.

      1. PristineODummy

        See, now, why can't ALL Republicans be like that? Sure, it takes a little effort, but that's what bein' a Merkin is all about, man.

  10. glamourdammerung

    I am sure his next screed will be about how his inability "man up" and whining like a bitch about being called on stupid remarks is just another sign of the liberal feminization of Christianity.

  11. Blendergoathead

    Am I just drunk, or didn't we just hear the "don't want a distraction from the issues that matter" BS excuse from (former) Rep. Lee, after he got busted for his flexy CL career-killing wankfest a couple days ago? Don't we hear that *every* time?

    photos surfacing in 3… 2… 1…

  12. LetUsBray

    I'd like to have a serious, mature discussion about the efficacy of Bryan Fischer munching down my butt crack.

  13. donner_froh

    There is no possible meaning of the words "mature" and "respectful" that could describe anything Bryan Fischer has ever done, said or thought.

    He debases the English language by using it.

    1. Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

      He debases the very concept of language itself. I'm even starting to think that grunting and gesturing was a bad idea.

  14. aguacatero

    To sum up, then:

    Old timey genociding, theocratizing Europeans = Good

    Modern-day, safety netting, high-speed railing Europeans = Wicked

  15. sati_demise

    Christian white male is so oppressed and misunderstood!
    Why dont you explain what you mean by a "robust dialogue"?

    No, with a bit more thought, go fuck yourself.
    Hope that is robust enough for you.

  16. Veritas78

    With the simple phrase "a mercantile-charter strict constructionist," Jack Stuef has seized Tehrir Square from Ken's Basiji thugs!

    All of Indonesia wanks to Bryan Fischer, but they're like that. Next up? Bahrain, Libya, and Waco!

  17. Not_So_Much

    This is him speaking on behalf of American Families? Maybe he should just stick to topics he knows a lot about. Like NAMBLA.

  18. DerrickWildcat

    “I posted a column on the settlement of America by Europeans. The column generated so much intense, vitriolic and profane reaction that it threatened to take on a life of its own, and serve as a distraction to the fundamental mission of AFA,”

    How was it a distraction?
    Isn't the fundamental mission of the AFA to be vitriolic, reactionary, threatening and profane?

    1. Badonkadonkette

      Yes, but the vitriol, reactionism, threats and profanity are all supposed to be directed at whichever demographic Baryan Fischer deems impure enough to deserve it . When it's directed at him/his klan, well then, obviously someone's missing the point.

  19. PresBeeblebrox

    I keep waiting for Mister Fischer to reveal himself as a fake/satire columnist a la Ed Anger or Jean Teasdale, because no one can really be that batshit crazy, right? Um, not.

  20. MadBrahms

    And so like Gandhi pulling back from non-cooperation, Bryan Fischer calls his forces to quiet contemplation and disciplined nonvio- err, hatred, in private, until the world is ready for his bold ideas.

  21. imissopus

    We've replaced Bryan Fischer's racist screed about Native Americans' refusal to embrace Christianity with this self-justifying pity party. Let's see if anyone notices.

  22. moar_plz

    The problem with most of these faggety-assed lamestream Evangelical preachers is that they don't "go there" like Rev. Bryan.

  23. Steverino247

    I hope that's not his "O" face.

    Seriously, I'm surprised they took anything down off their site. Their mission is to be insensitive in the name of Christ.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      It's getting to be so commonplace among preachy types these days, they're going to need to get a new schtick to get the attention they crave.

      Maybe those 'feel good' ministers like that big ghey Rick Warren are really on to something; the wave of the near-term future in the business. Their parishoners don't seem to be catching on too quickly at the mechanical fleecing they're getting, and they leave happy after the services. You may actually see a decline in Christian hate futures; the money seems to be going the other way.

      1. HistoriCat

        We can only hope. Let the rubes blow all their money on their Sunday performances – just leave the rest of us alone.

  24. BlackRhino

    Shoot, I want to be mature about these matters. But when talkin’ to a turd, I can’t help but to turn my head and hold my nose.

  25. DoktorZoom

    Oh, hey, looks like we missed this dandy Guest Column by alleged Christian Scott Lively, about how the Shining Wonderful Christian Nation of Uganda is being murdered by "the lavender Marxists." Oddly enough, the column does acknowledge one actual murder: "Ugandan homosexual activist David Kato was recently beaten to death with a hammer, a horrific crime," but this actual death of a real human being is apparently an aberration, and certainly small potatoes compared to the far more serious metaphorical murder of the entire Ugandan nation, which may figuratively die if it is unable to go ahead and literally kill a lot more actual human beings who are homosexual.

    1. Ducksworthy

      So there is a "now-global network of sexual revolutionaries bent on remaking the entire world in their own perverted image". My only question is how do I join?

  26. Callyson

    "The column generated so much intense, vitriolic and profane reaction that it threatened to take on a life of its own, and serve as a distraction to the fundamental mission of AFA”
    As opposed to the subdued, poetic and sacred act of driving Native Americans out of their land, and killing off many of them in the process…

  27. chascates

    If, however, there is a moral and ethical basis for our displacement of native American tribes, and if our westward expansion and settlement are in fact consistent with the laws of nature, nature’s God, and the law of nations, then Americans have much to be proud of.

    Similar to arguments advanced by by Genghis Khan, Napoleon, Hitler, etc.

    1. obfuscator2

      you gotta give him credit for saying "IF'.

      not really, though.

      glenn beck probably didn't rape a 12 year old boy in 1998, but IF he did…

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Boy, have you got it wrong! Beck never raped a young boy. That's just absurd!

        It was a young girl, and it was way back in 1989 or 1990. He hasn't specified which. Why hasn't he told us which year it was?

        Just asking. I mean, he certainly hasn't denied it.

    2. Swampgas_Man

      So we can look forward to a column about the "displacement" of the Jews in a few years? After all, they were non-Christians!

    3. PristineODummy

      That's what I couldn't get over. That not only is this worthless ambulatory turd a moral aberration, but his attempts at rhetoric and logic are what I would expect from a three-year-old. "Because if you don't, if you don't give me my pink pajamas that means you hate my pink pajamas and you hate me and then I hate you too and you are a poopy head." Real impressive.

  28. obfuscator2

    if we can't understand the mindset of the colonial domestic terrorists who founded/annexed the usa, we've truly failed our founding fathers.

  29. DoktorZoom

    Bryan Fischer would like us to apologize to him for being offended by his justification of genocide. And we damned well better be sincere about it, too. He can tell.

  30. mrblifil

    Write what you know. In this case it should have resulted in an op-Ed about best practices for uploading a cock shot in response to a Craigslist ad.

  31. Negropolis

    This vile pig-dog makes me ill. Even in his back-peddling is he disgustingly self-righteous.

    Satan's furnishing his apartment in Hell as we speak, thank God.

    1. GOPCrusher

      These Christofacists can't seem to understand that not everyone wants to be saved by them.
      But that just shows our level of immaturity, that we think this Xtian Asshat is a racist scumbag.

    2. PristineODummy

      I like that term. "Vile pig-dog." But which Republican to use it on? There are so many, each impressively worthy.

      1. Negropolis

        "Pig-dog" is the translation of the Germany slur "Schweinhund". Pig-dog sounds so much more vulgar when said in English to my ears, so it's the one I use.

  32. Jukesgrrl

    The minute a Christian white man starts to get a wee bit testy about only having 8,000 times more cash in the bank than everyone who's not a Christian white man (instead of the 10,000 times more he's entitled to have), you libruls fly off the handle. Did you ever hear about freedum of speech? His people made this land the great beecon of democrazy it is, so show some reespect.

  33. DrunkIrishman

    Is he wearing a teal dress shirt with a pink tie? He looks like background furniture on the set of The Golden Girls.

  34. proudgrampa

    What a prick. I envision very warm places in hell for self-righteous, arrogant assholes like this.

    1. chickensmack

      As an atheist, I am disappointed to presume there is no hell, for self-righteous, arrogant assholes like this.

      1. Negropolis

        I'm an agnostic, myself, but the use of Christian Hell is an awesome literary technique to use regardless of one's beliefs.

      2. PristineODummy

        Almost makes me wish I were a believer m'self. The joy of watching this arrogant, unrepentant prick roasting on an open spit, rendering all that well-fed fat. Hmm. I might be hungry.

  35. transfatz

    I don't know where this shit-stain lives. He may not see or know many Native Americans. They are a force to be reckoned with artistically, socially and economically here in the west. The discussion should be more than robust and it is he, not they, who has showed insufficient maturity to handle the subject. But then, colonialism is always about immaturity isn't it?

  36. Hera Sent Me

    Why is it when you imagine the god you worship is an evil, racist prick, it turns you into an evil, racist prick?

    1. Ducksworthy

      Over quoted but here it is anyway:
      Anne Lamott "You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do."

  37. Come here a minute

    Yet another rewording of Bryan Fischer's retraction: "You can make me take it off the web site, but you can't make me stop thinking it!"

  38. snoopyfan2010

    The problem with his argument is that God didn't always use people who were good to punish the bad.

  39. metamarcisf

    On the bright side, when Michele Bachmann is elected president next year, we can look forward to Mr. Fischer's next incarnation as Secretary of the Interior.

  40. EatsBabyDingos

    My aunt's brand of Chocktaw name their babies after something seen/heard during or after birth.

    I just wonder how many Chocktaw children born near Bryan would have to be named "Heap Big Douche Bag" before they change that custom.

    1. Negropolis

      Chocktaw, eh? I have some Chickasaw and Chocktaw heritage, myself, though we never looked much in to it, and I've been wanting to.

  41. chickensmack

    Remember that he expects a mature conversation and debate about this issue. From a man who believes that he keeps living after he dies.

  42. KochFembot

    Every time I see a picture of this guy, I can't help but think "creepy bolo-wearing guy that sounds like Pat Buttram*, going around asking kids to sit on his lap".

    * With PROFUSE apologies to the late, great Pat Buttram.

  43. notreelyhelping

    Could this guy and his desert god please go for a long, long walk in the desert? On a hot day? With no water?

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