valentine's day massacre

Kathryn Jean Lopez Asks Someone To Tell Her About Being Married

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Where are they now?It’s Valentine’s Day, everybody — otherwise known as “the saddest day at National Review Online.” But NRO editor Kathryn Jean Lopez isn’t one to hide behind her sadness and resignation and Jonah Goldberg screensaver (when he was young and kind of cute). Instead, K-Lo asked a “marriage expert” to explain why she cannot seem to find the happiness Jesus Christ intended for her, in the form of wedded bliss to some tough guy, maybe Tony Soprano, so she wouldn’t have to live out her days as a spinster blogging in an apartment. Imagine the house she could have, in New Jersey! And children, just running around the way children probably run around, on the lawn or whatever. A lawn with a crucifix-picket fence, maybe. Some flowers or whatever, an herb garden. And this might be the night Tony comes home all ginned up and randy, with the sedan parked haphazardly on the lawn! Baby No. 3 could be created tonight.

K-Lo emailed somebody from some pro-marriage-sounding organization, but it’s obviously just a socialist front:

Lopez: Is marriage in America healthy? What’s the greatest challenge to marriage in America at the moment?

Wilcox: Marriage is under stress. Marriage rates are falling, cohabitation is up, nonmarital childbearing is up, and more children are being exposed to a revolving carousel of relationships. This is the message of the recent National Marriage Project report, When Marriage Disappears.

The two biggest challenges facing marriage are economic and cultural. Economically, working-class and poor men are having difficulty finding stable, decent-paying work. This makes it difficult for them to get and stay married.

Wait, so marriage has failed in America because of capitalism? Gah, worst Valentine’s Day at The Corner, ever. [National Review]

Happy, er, Valentine's Day, K-Lo!

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • DerrickWildcat

    I think the bigger question is why Mexicans are taking our national Review Online jobs.

  • chascates

    K-Lo talking about marriage if like Cheney talking about being loved.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      Are you saying that Satan cannot love his minions?

    • WriteyWriterton

      Or Rumsfeld talking about winning the peace.

      • jus_wonderin

        Rumsfeld talking about anything is like a finely polished crystal spike jabbed in my ear.

  • RodneyBadger

    She should marry Ross Douthat. I will give them a large bag of vomit as a wedding gift.

  • x111e7thst

    So I'm not married cause I don't have me one of them good-paying National Review jerbz?

    • JustPixelz

      As your avatar is a dog, you're going to have to overcome the Santorum-led anti-canine-marriage forces. Or become a Repubican which makes everything acceptable.

      • x111e7thst

        It used to be a manga character and I couldn't get married then either. It's rough being me.

        • PristineODummy

          What you need is a manga character dog.

  • ShiftyParadigm

    Don't be sad, K-Lo. Think of all the Valentine chocolate that will be half off tomorrow!

    • horsedreamer_1

      Hah! I am laughing at this comment the very same way I laughed when I was paging thru my college's "annual report" & saw an headshot of one of my rather rotund class of '02 mates. Judging from the photo, she had broken down — fucking finally — & gotten lap-band surgery. Maybe some plastic surgery on her face, too. & after all those years of scorning fat people. Hypocrisy catches up to everybody, even the best we have to offer.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Actually, she reminds me a lot more of Johnny Sack's wife Ginny Sacrimoni than Carmela Soprano.

    • Terry

      With the tupperware box full of candy bars hidden in the basement.

  • DashboardBuddha

    From the top picture: Where are they now?

    Forget that…Who are they?

    • walstib

      Obvs… Bammerz true Meccaparents.

      Don't you keep up?

    • Jukesgrrl

      They're signing up for Bravo's next reality show Topless Housewives. Pixels, baby! BTW, I'll bet anything that she's switched to Pajama Jeans™.

    • PresBeeblebrox

      Where: Wasilla, Orem, Maricopa, Lewistown, Gardena, or any one of a number of vile American small towns/exurbs.

      Who: US America, circa 1996 and beyond.

      I die a little bit inside whenever I see that photo.

  • walstib

    I think God's telling her to switch teams and she ain't listening…

    SO the better question is: Why does K-Lo hate God?

    Huh??? Hello!!11!!

    And also, too.

    • glamourdammerung

      The conservative answer would involve her probably being female, her ethnicity, and being a filthy papist. Though the last one might be alright given the GOP and Catholic Church seem to be finding a lot of common ground in their fondness of covering up child rape.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Hey K-Lo, you don't care of yourself, girl, nobody else is gonna want to.

    Just sayin'.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Pathetic yet hilarious.

    To answer the "Alt-Text"
    1) Sitting at home in his La-Z-Boy wacking it to pron and eating Cheetos
    2) Afternoon shift stripper

    • UW8316154

      3. Kid is in foster care.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Ms Lopez,
    Someday your prince will come, please don’t eat him this time.

  • littlebigdaddy

    What about her hookup with J. Gold? Was that just a nasty figment of Wonkette's mind?

    • Jukesgrrl

      It was our special combination of horror/pr0n movie.

  • MildMidwesterner

    "working-class and poor men are having difficulty finding stable, decent-paying work"

    I knew it! Women are just interested in money! All those hours spent giving head were for nothing! Nothing!

  • mrblifil

    Another challenge to marriage is what to do with all the women who look like Charles Laughton as Quasimodo. Extraordinary rendition and torture just doesn't somehow seem right. I suppose I'm down with any solution that does not rely too heavily on the use of tasers.

  • Extemporanus

    Lopez: What's the greatest challenge to marriage in America at the moment?

    Wilcox: You, naked.

    • Radiotherapy

      Lopez: What's the greatest challenge to marriage in America at the moment?

      Wilcox: The thought of tongue punching your fartbox.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I think that some couples have postponed divorce because they don’t want to spend thousands of dollars right now on a divorce or because their primary asset — their house — isn’t worth what they think it might be in a year or two.

    So this is why Americans' savings rate has increased — all these couples who can't stand each other are socking a little change away so they can afford to get divorced. Like our greedy capitalist pig overlords need something else to congratulate themselves about.

    • HELisforHEL

      Up-thumbs for you in the millions.

    • Barrelhse

      Psst…(Buy a motel in Reno)

  • LionelHutzEsq

    It’s Valentine’s Day, everybody — otherwise known as “the saddest day at National Review Online.”

    Let's face it, that is true for any of us online.

  • SorosBot

    Pardon me for suggesting that such advances as making it easier to get out of unhappy (and sometimes abusive) marriages, not condemning women just for getting pregnant without going through a ceremony with the father first, and less people just jumping into the commitment of marriage without actually living together first are all good things, and those like K-Lo and Will Cocks who look at these changes negatives are anti-human douchebag assholes.

    Oh, and K-Lo, if you want to find a man try laying off the triple anus burgers.

    • WriteyWriterton

      Not entirely O/T: Passed a golden-arch emporium located adjacent to a high school the other day. It was advertising "Angus Third Pounders."

      Where are the enterprising high-school students who might take a "g" and "Third" off that sign? Oh, wait: they'd have to know how to spell.

      I weep for our species.

      • Jukesgrrl

        Hey, they can't all be writertons. It's haaaa-aaard. You have to memorize and stuff. And who wants to spring for a dictionary app when you could spend the money on a Blow Up the Boobs on SI's Swimsuit Model app.

      • PristineODummy

        They could just take the "h" outa "Third." Just sayin'.

        • WriteyWriterton

          They probably would, too.

          • PristineODummy

            Not that it would earn them any kudos in the writerly or spellingly departments, but the intent comes across. I think.

          • WriteyWriterton

            "…or spellingly…"


  • greypanter

    Marriage is failing because it's difficult to get married and it's hard work to stay married. Doing difficult things is SO last millennium. The only people doing difficult stuff any more are Ivy League MBAs working for Goldman Sachs, and Sara Palin. The rest of us are just blogging.

    • UW8316154

      Bristol is a hard-ass worker, too!

  • fuflans

    gah! that picture.

    and the roomba is pretty classy too.

    • widestanceroman

      We can be thankful the pic was taken while the Roomba was still dry, at least.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Roomba? I'm thinking maybe it's some kinda Stealth Sybian.

  • horsedreamer_1

    I know he's been banned from National Review, but I'm sure K-Lo still could manage to look up Christopher Buckley, if she really wants to talk about the sanctity of marriage. Considering Chris's parents's bearding & merkinning, & all.

    • V572625694

      And ol' Bill was the only conservative who seemed to have any actual intellectual heft.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Sorry Ms Lopez; I can't speak for all guys, but the guys of my acquaintance tend to lose their love-making appetite when they have to roll their partner around in flour in order to locate the wet spot.

    • Steverino247

      The funniest thing I've read in about a week. Well done, BTF!

  • Zvi_Bleindmeis

    Imagine what the marriage rate would be without the heroic contributions of Msrs. Limbaugh and Gingrich.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    So, NRO is now going to be torn between do they support capitalism as the only true way to defeat socialism, or do they support socialism as the only way to guarantee all the babies that God demands of us.

    And, look at the Chinese, obviously socialism (hell, good old fashion communism) works wonders in getting people to breed. Hell, I'm looking forward to K-Lo showing up in her Mao jacket, ready to be fulfilled so that she may bear young to further God's goals, as that is the one true duty of women and all good party members.

    • HELisforHEL

      So close to the standard republican agenda it's frightening.

    • PristineODummy

      Fortunately, they don't make Mao jackets in her size.

  • Cicada

    Poor K-Lo. She hangs around Christian conservatives all day and wonders why she can't find a man.

    Honey, you don't have a dick and you aren't a blond with an eating disorder. None of those guys are going to want you for funtimes or as a beard.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Or she could become a Mormon. They'll fuck anything — at least once every 28 or so days.

  • WriteyWriterton

    Actual data on marriage and divorce rates per 1000 in 2008 and 2009:

    Data show* marriage rate down slightly, divorce rate also down slightly over those two years.

    Note, also (too), that data do* not include Louisiana. I leave the reason for that to your fertile imaginations.

    *See persnickety ( i.e., a**-holic) use of plural form of verb with plural subject "data." Not going to name names here, but look to your recent postings, people.

    • Zvi_Bleindmeis

      Media plural. Kudos singular.

      Commenters should also take note that grammatically observant Wonks try to use only copulative verbs.

      • WriteyWriterton

        "Media plural. Kudos singular. " D'accord, Z_B.

        And I think you just blasted me. I'm not sure how, but I'll bet I deserved it.

        • Zvi_Bleindmeis

          No blasting intended, WW. I just share your schoolmarmish persnickityness.

          • WriteyWriterton


          • UW8316154

            Somehow you just made schoolmarmish persnickityness sound sexxxy to me.

    • x111e7thst

      Put down that datum and step back from the edge..

    • V572625694

      Between you and I, I have no problem w/persnickitudinous postings.

    • Mariecohn

      THANK YOU! I've been tooooo scared to say so myself. I'm a cunning linguist.

  • edgydrifter

    If K-Lo's Roomba had an arm, it would evolve teeth to chew it off.
    She has the only vibrator in history to go on strike.
    She has a lifetime subscription to Frumpy Prude Quarterly.

    • Mariecohn

      Doesn't she also have Bitter Crone's Disease?

  • freakishlywrong

    From those of us in happy, healthy relationships that now no longer have any desire for sexy time after reading, (seeing), that, a hearty fuck you. ♫ And fuck her too ♪♪

  • nounverb911

    That's a good question for Haley Barbour to answer.

    • Pragmatist2

      When I think of "swarthy Latin passion" Haley Barbour comes immediately to mind.

    • horsedreamer_1

      I don't want Haley getting anywhere close to talking about sex.

  • donner_froh

    That is a huge dildo/vibrator. Lopez must be built like the Lincoln Tunnel.

    • edgydrifter

      The Romans hung a picture of her over the opening to the Cloaca Maximus.

    • widestanceroman

      Imagine her joy when the roomba made it back out alive after so many months of calling its name.

      • jus_wonderin

        I have to imagine it couldn't hear really well in there. Its name was prolly muffled…so to speak.

  • nounverb911

    Is K-Lo the new K-Y spokeswomen?

  • SexySmurf

    Fun Fact: K-Lo has 37 cats, all named Reagan.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      And she likes to cover herself in butter and then have them lick her clean.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Wow, that comment had almost the same effect on me as one of those "sick-sticks" like the cops used in "Minority Report."

  • weejee

    St.. Valentine's Day Massacre indeed. K-Lo should ask her accountant, Jake 'Greasy Thumb' Guzik. about finding the key to a man's heart, long-term relationships, and how to end those that don't pan-out. Ratta, tat, tat.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    She just needs an eCacophony account.

  • Pragmatist2

    She is not married for the same reason all DC women are not married – they only meet men at work and all the men at work are either married or gay – or both, in the case of the National Review.

    • WriteyWriterton

      Or, you know, Crying Game?

  • SorosBot

    Another fun fact for the fundamentalist Christians decrying the alleged collapse of marriage: the divorce rate is highest in parts of the country with large populations of fundamentalist Christian, and lowest in the more secular parts of the country, with gay-marrying Massachusetts having the lowest rate.

    • WriteyWriterton

      There you go again, SB, with your so-called "facts."

    • HELisforHEL

      Yes the conservitard fake-jesus-y people tend to forget things like facts and stuff.

  • JustPixelz

    I know it pains Ms Lopez and traditionalists, but marriage is fading because families are evolving, just like Satan Darwin predicted.

    Conservatives like to talk about families as the foundation of society. They're right, but not because one-man-one-woman is a magic formula. They're right because families deal with every problem America faces — economic, social, political, psychological. Some families fail, but others succeed and new, stronger families form.

    Instead of focusing on the number of marriage certificates and divorce decrees, they may want to look at how long children are in two parent homes, or how to help elder American stay together as mutual support can be life-preserving.

    Or they could rail against gay marriage.

    • jim89048

      So Hillz was right, then, about that village thing? Guess I'll just shut up and wait my turn, then.

      • Steverino247

        It takes a child to raze a village…

    • Jukesgrrl

      Focus, you want them to focus? Good luck with that.

    • PristineODummy

      Well, when you put it THAT way, the choice seems obvy. Down wiv tehm gheyz!

  • elfgoldsackring

    Ahem. I thought us gheyz were the #1 threat to Traditional Marriage? And here they are just ignoring us? That really hurts.

  • SmutBoffin

    No one will wants to be in a relationship with her, since all they would hear about is Obama's GREAT BIG spending omnibuses and HARD FAST DEEP attacks on the Constitution and his DESIRE TO GET HIS TONGUE ALL OVER organic veggies.

    It's her job to think about Bammerz politics all day long, you see…

  • CapeClod

    A little tip to Kay-Lo. Telling the world that you stuff your thanksgiving turkey with 30 White Castle hamburgers is hardly going to get eligable men to fight for your fair hand.

    • SmutBoffin

      Just season that tumor turkey with some Red Man and SkoalRebel will be hers: mind, body, soul, and hacking cough.

    • Gleem_McShineys

      Oh man, I assumed "stuffing your turkey with 30 white castle hamburgers," was just wingnut euphemism for making sexytime. Now I find out it was literal, and yet even with that potent of a mating call, she's still alone? Poor thing.

  • Gopherit

    In the finest catholic tradition, Kathryn wants to offer advice regarding something with which she has zero experience. At least priests abstain from marriage to fuck boys. K-Lo appears to eat her feelings, and probably most potential suitors.

    • Mariecohn

      Huh? Didn't know she even had feelings. She must eat them before they're fully formed. I guess they're fetus feelings.

  • HolyMaracas

    Shit, not that "Adam & Eve by Ed Hardy" pic again…

  • Come here a minute

    Did K-Lo forget that Internet pr0n is the #1 killer of US America marriages, and all human morality too?

  • nounverb911

    She should just marry Jeebus and become a nun some place where nobody knows her name.

  • i_like_tigers

    When I rented my house, there was a Roomba vacuum cleaner in it. I told my landlord its kind wasn't welcome here. I could just picture Skynet getting the damn thing to park where I put my foot down off the bed in the morning. Screw Roombas.

    • Ken Layne

      You're against something *vacuuming your floors for you*?

      I don't even like telephones, and the Roomba is pretty much the only device I've ever loved. Then again, I have a large dog who sheds constantly and a couple of kids who drag their weight in dirt inside every day ….

      • i_like_tigers

        Ken, I don't quite know how to put this, but….. are you aware that these "kids" you speak of are in fact Roombas?

  • WriteyWriterton

    FYI, Wonkette, KJ-LO is giving this speech next month:

    “The Virgin Mother, Saint Monica & Sarah Palin:
    Embracing New Feminism”

    At this event: (The pictures of several of the speakers look they were lightly sprayed with mist, like they're all sweating profusely.)

    I, for one, salute our New-Feminist Overladies.

    • SorosBot

      Sponsored by a bunch of groups from the forced-birth movement; "New Feminism" seems like it should really be called anti-feminism.

      Also, slight HTML problem with the link – but it works if you delete the quotation mark.

      • WriteyWriterton

        Sorry about the q-mark. I think I fixed it.

    • Zvi_Bleindmeis

      I vaguely remember hearing the biography of some martyred early Christian saint who was afflicted with beauty, and to keep from attracting the attention of men, she put hooks into her flesh and hung weights on them. That's some powerful Catholic feminism that K-Lo ought to include in her speech.

    • Jukesgrrl

      I thought you were making a hilarious joke until I clicked your link. Gaaagh. Luau for Life??

      • PristineODummy

        Gotta dispose of all them scraped-out fetii somehow. You got something better to suggest than a luau?

        • WriteyWriterton

          Poi-lent Green?

          • PristineODummy

            Poi just does NOT have that wonderfully carcinogenic fresh-from-teh-grill-wiv-marks aroma. Although it's probably easier to distribute in that form. Giant tube hookups to every house. Yes, I'm getting an idea heah.

  • EdFlintstone

    Can't Ann Coulter, fertilize one of K-Lo's rapidly drying up eggs?

    • WriteyWriterton

      Thanks a lot. How do I floss that image from my imagination?

    • elfgoldsackring

      No more commas for you!

      • EdFlintstone

        Yeah that was a typo, I feel ashamed.

    • Cicada

      K-Lo knows that Ann Coulter bites the heads off her partners after she mates.

  • crybabyboehner

    Her womb is polluted.

  • proudgrampa

    Speaking (well, writing) as a happily married man – 27 years and counting – I will tell you that marriage is freakin' hard work. You must work at the relationship and compromise with your partner when you don't always see eye to eye. K-Lo doesn't strike me as a person with enough insight to understand this.

    • WriteyWriterton

      But she has enough eyebrows for two marriages.

    • Steverino247

      37.5 years, and it is hard work. The benefits (to us, at least) are too numerous to mention here. However, the really good news is my wife thinks it was silly to wait until marriage to fuck me.

      • WriteyWriterton

        You get an "Amen!"

  • Redhead

    "Instead, K-Lo asked a “marriage expert” to explain why she cannot seem to find the happiness Jesus Christ intended for her, in the form of wedded bliss to some tough guy,"

    He's afraid of getting smooshed? Or possibly mistaken for a sandwich…

  • Limeylizzie

    Stop eating so much you dozy fucking cunt.

    • user-of-owls

      So, eat less, get eaten?

      • Limeylizzie

        Works for me and MrLimeylizzie aways flings a trinket or two my way on Valentine's Day

  • cheaphits

    Since it's Valentines Day, I'm going to play matchmaker – K-Lo and the Skoal Rebel.

    Granted she would have to get used to mud cups all around the house, but that seems a small price to pay for wedded bliss..

  • Gopherit

    We're all making fun of poor K-Lo's weight. We should know it's all because of that muslin usurper's wife:

    • elfgoldsackring

      Hur hur! I jest knowed that Moo-shell was an obese junk-scarfing ghetto muslin anger bear. She's jest real sneaky, is all.

  • elfgoldsackring

    Hey, K-Lo, here's a traditional marriage idea for you. Cash in everything you own, put on a burqa and get yourself to the compound of a polygamous sect. If your dowry is big enough, maybe you can become the abused fifth wife of a minor hanger-on. Result!

  • mavenmaven

    Can't she meet someone financially and emotionally secure on Craigslist?

    • wondering where i am

      Nah, there's just toads on Craigslist.

  • sati_demise

    No wonder she is having troubles, all she has to do is pull that diaphram out and the date is ovah……
    '(sound of running feet, door slam)

    • SorosBot

      She carries her diaphragm in a pizza box.

      • Gleem_McShineys

        I believe it is pictured in the second photo. Roombaphram.

  • BklynIlluminati

    Well Ms. Lopez do the words heinous bitch mean anything to you? I'm sorry but tough on valentines day is best for all of us.

  • Barrelhse

    "READ MORE>>"- like, who could even HELP but read more; furiously, too, I might add, also.

  • lulzmonger

    "Wait, so marriage has failed in America because of capitalism?"

    Scholars seldom cite Adam Smith's epic erotic poem, The Wealth Of Poontang.

  • Jukesgrrl

    Every 20-year-old I meet tells me it's because the olds won't retire. Imagine that, people who think they're entitled to work until they're 65.

  • lochnessmonster

    The best Valentine present ever! A red Roomba spot cleaner! How thoughtful.

  • Thedongsofwar


  • BarackMyWorld

    Other things we can blame capitalism for:
    -smut on TV

    So, I guess my point is "Yay, capitalism!"

  • CUNextTuesday

    "I believe marriage is meant to be a sacred institution between two unwilling teenagers."

  • CessnaDriver

    The problem is that she needs to find someone who can afford the flour bill.

  • Negropolis

    Jesus is like the perfect marriage counselor. Who knows more about marriage than a 30-something single dude who always travels around with his boys, all year? Hengh?