valentine's day massacre

Kathryn Jean Lopez Asks Someone To Tell Her About Being Married

Where are they now?It’s Valentine’s Day, everybody — otherwise known as “the saddest day at National Review Online.” But NRO editor Kathryn Jean Lopez isn’t one to hide behind her sadness and resignation and Jonah Goldberg screensaver (when he was young and kind of cute). Instead, K-Lo asked a “marriage expert” to explain why she cannot seem to find the happiness Jesus Christ intended for her, in the form of wedded bliss to some tough guy, maybe Tony Soprano, so she wouldn’t have to live out her days as a spinster blogging in an apartment. Imagine the house she could have, in New Jersey! And children, just running around the way children probably run around, on the lawn or whatever. A lawn with a crucifix-picket fence, maybe. Some flowers or whatever, an herb garden. And this might be the night Tony comes home all ginned up and randy, with the sedan parked haphazardly on the lawn! Baby No. 3 could be created tonight.

K-Lo emailed somebody from some pro-marriage-sounding organization, but it’s obviously just a socialist front:

Lopez: Is marriage in America healthy? What’s the greatest challenge to marriage in America at the moment?

Wilcox: Marriage is under stress. Marriage rates are falling, cohabitation is up, nonmarital childbearing is up, and more children are being exposed to a revolving carousel of relationships. This is the message of the recent National Marriage Project report, When Marriage Disappears.

The two biggest challenges facing marriage are economic and cultural. Economically, working-class and poor men are having difficulty finding stable, decent-paying work. This makes it difficult for them to get and stay married.

Wait, so marriage has failed in America because of capitalism? Gah, worst Valentine’s Day at The Corner, ever. [National Review]

Happy, er, Valentine's Day, K-Lo!

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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    1. JustPixelz

      As your avatar is a dog, you're going to have to overcome the Santorum-led anti-canine-marriage forces. Or become a Repubican which makes everything acceptable.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Hah! I am laughing at this comment the very same way I laughed when I was paging thru my college's "annual report" & saw an headshot of one of my rather rotund class of '02 mates. Judging from the photo, she had broken down — fucking finally — & gotten lap-band surgery. Maybe some plastic surgery on her face, too. & after all those years of scorning fat people. Hypocrisy catches up to everybody, even the best we have to offer.

  1. BaldarTFlagass

    Actually, she reminds me a lot more of Johnny Sack's wife Ginny Sacrimoni than Carmela Soprano.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      They're signing up for Bravo's next reality show Topless Housewives. Pixels, baby! BTW, I'll bet anything that she's switched to Pajama Jeans™.

    2. PresBeeblebrox

      Where: Wasilla, Orem, Maricopa, Lewistown, Gardena, or any one of a number of vile American small towns/exurbs.

      Who: US America, circa 1996 and beyond.

      I die a little bit inside whenever I see that photo.

  2. walstib

    I think God's telling her to switch teams and she ain't listening…

    SO the better question is: Why does K-Lo hate God?

    Huh??? Hello!!11!!

    And also, too.

    1. glamourdammerung

      The conservative answer would involve her probably being female, her ethnicity, and being a filthy papist. Though the last one might be alright given the GOP and Catholic Church seem to be finding a lot of common ground in their fondness of covering up child rape.

  3. MildMidwesterner

    "working-class and poor men are having difficulty finding stable, decent-paying work"

    I knew it! Women are just interested in money! All those hours spent giving head were for nothing! Nothing!

    1. Radiotherapy

      Lopez: What's the greatest challenge to marriage in America at the moment?

      Wilcox: The thought of tongue punching your fartbox.

  4. SayItWithWookies

    I think that some couples have postponed divorce because they don’t want to spend thousands of dollars right now on a divorce or because their primary asset — their house — isn’t worth what they think it might be in a year or two.

    So this is why Americans' savings rate has increased — all these couples who can't stand each other are socking a little change away so they can afford to get divorced. Like our greedy capitalist pig overlords need something else to congratulate themselves about.

  5. LionelHutzEsq

    It’s Valentine’s Day, everybody — otherwise known as “the saddest day at National Review Online.”

    Let's face it, that is true for any of us online.

  6. SorosBot

    Pardon me for suggesting that such advances as making it easier to get out of unhappy (and sometimes abusive) marriages, not condemning women just for getting pregnant without going through a ceremony with the father first, and less people just jumping into the commitment of marriage without actually living together first are all good things, and those like K-Lo and Will Cocks who look at these changes negatives are anti-human douchebag assholes.

    Oh, and K-Lo, if you want to find a man try laying off the triple anus burgers.

    1. WriteyWriterton

      Not entirely O/T: Passed a golden-arch emporium located adjacent to a high school the other day. It was advertising "Angus Third Pounders."

      Where are the enterprising high-school students who might take a "g" and "Third" off that sign? Oh, wait: they'd have to know how to spell.

      I weep for our species.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Hey, they can't all be writertons. It's haaaa-aaard. You have to memorize and stuff. And who wants to spring for a dictionary app when you could spend the money on a Blow Up the Boobs on SI's Swimsuit Model app.

          1. PristineODummy

            Not that it would earn them any kudos in the writerly or spellingly departments, but the intent comes across. I think.

  7. greypanter

    Marriage is failing because it's difficult to get married and it's hard work to stay married. Doing difficult things is SO last millennium. The only people doing difficult stuff any more are Ivy League MBAs working for Goldman Sachs, and Sara Palin. The rest of us are just blogging.

  8. horsedreamer_1

    I know he's been banned from National Review, but I'm sure K-Lo still could manage to look up Christopher Buckley, if she really wants to talk about the sanctity of marriage. Considering Chris's parents's bearding & merkinning, & all.

  9. BaldarTFlagass

    Sorry Ms Lopez; I can't speak for all guys, but the guys of my acquaintance tend to lose their love-making appetite when they have to roll their partner around in flour in order to locate the wet spot.

  10. LionelHutzEsq

    So, NRO is now going to be torn between do they support capitalism as the only true way to defeat socialism, or do they support socialism as the only way to guarantee all the babies that God demands of us.

    And, look at the Chinese, obviously socialism (hell, good old fashion communism) works wonders in getting people to breed. Hell, I'm looking forward to K-Lo showing up in her Mao jacket, ready to be fulfilled so that she may bear young to further God's goals, as that is the one true duty of women and all good party members.

  11. Cicada

    Poor K-Lo. She hangs around Christian conservatives all day and wonders why she can't find a man.

    Honey, you don't have a dick and you aren't a blond with an eating disorder. None of those guys are going to want you for funtimes or as a beard.

  12. WriteyWriterton

    Actual data on marriage and divorce rates per 1000 in 2008 and 2009:

    Data show* marriage rate down slightly, divorce rate also down slightly over those two years.

    Note, also (too), that data do* not include Louisiana. I leave the reason for that to your fertile imaginations.

    *See persnickety ( i.e., a**-holic) use of plural form of verb with plural subject "data." Not going to name names here, but look to your recent postings, people.

      1. WriteyWriterton

        "Media plural. Kudos singular. " D'accord, Z_B.

        And I think you just blasted me. I'm not sure how, but I'll bet I deserved it.

  13. edgydrifter

    If K-Lo's Roomba had an arm, it would evolve teeth to chew it off.
    She has the only vibrator in history to go on strike.
    She has a lifetime subscription to Frumpy Prude Quarterly.

  14. freakishlywrong

    From those of us in happy, healthy relationships that now no longer have any desire for sexy time after reading, (seeing), that, a hearty fuck you. ♫ And fuck her too ♪♪

    1. widestanceroman

      Imagine her joy when the roomba made it back out alive after so many months of calling its name.

      1. jus_wonderin

        I have to imagine it couldn't hear really well in there. Its name was prolly muffled…so to speak.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Wow, that comment had almost the same effect on me as one of those "sick-sticks" like the cops used in "Minority Report."

  15. Pragmatist2

    She is not married for the same reason all DC women are not married – they only meet men at work and all the men at work are either married or gay – or both, in the case of the National Review.

  16. SorosBot

    Another fun fact for the fundamentalist Christians decrying the alleged collapse of marriage: the divorce rate is highest in parts of the country with large populations of fundamentalist Christian, and lowest in the more secular parts of the country, with gay-marrying Massachusetts having the lowest rate.

  17. JustPixelz

    I know it pains Ms Lopez and traditionalists, but marriage is fading because families are evolving, just like Satan Darwin predicted.

    Conservatives like to talk about families as the foundation of society. They're right, but not because one-man-one-woman is a magic formula. They're right because families deal with every problem America faces — economic, social, political, psychological. Some families fail, but others succeed and new, stronger families form.

    Instead of focusing on the number of marriage certificates and divorce decrees, they may want to look at how long children are in two parent homes, or how to help elder American stay together as mutual support can be life-preserving.

    Or they could rail against gay marriage.

  18. elfgoldsackring

    Ahem. I thought us gheyz were the #1 threat to Traditional Marriage? And here they are just ignoring us? That really hurts.

  19. SmutBoffin

    No one will wants to be in a relationship with her, since all they would hear about is Obama's GREAT BIG spending omnibuses and HARD FAST DEEP attacks on the Constitution and his DESIRE TO GET HIS TONGUE ALL OVER organic veggies.

    It's her job to think about Bammerz politics all day long, you see…

  20. CapeClod

    A little tip to Kay-Lo. Telling the world that you stuff your thanksgiving turkey with 30 White Castle hamburgers is hardly going to get eligable men to fight for your fair hand.

    1. SmutBoffin

      Just season that tumor turkey with some Red Man and SkoalRebel will be hers: mind, body, soul, and hacking cough.

    2. Gleem_McShineys

      Oh man, I assumed "stuffing your turkey with 30 white castle hamburgers," was just wingnut euphemism for making sexytime. Now I find out it was literal, and yet even with that potent of a mating call, she's still alone? Poor thing.

  21. Gopherit

    In the finest catholic tradition, Kathryn wants to offer advice regarding something with which she has zero experience. At least priests abstain from marriage to fuck boys. K-Lo appears to eat her feelings, and probably most potential suitors.

    1. Mariecohn

      Huh? Didn't know she even had feelings. She must eat them before they're fully formed. I guess they're fetus feelings.

  22. i_like_tigers

    When I rented my house, there was a Roomba vacuum cleaner in it. I told my landlord its kind wasn't welcome here. I could just picture Skynet getting the damn thing to park where I put my foot down off the bed in the morning. Screw Roombas.

    1. Ken Layne

      You're against something *vacuuming your floors for you*?

      I don't even like telephones, and the Roomba is pretty much the only device I've ever loved. Then again, I have a large dog who sheds constantly and a couple of kids who drag their weight in dirt inside every day ….

  23. WriteyWriterton

    FYI, Wonkette, KJ-LO is giving this speech next month:

    “The Virgin Mother, Saint Monica & Sarah Palin:
    Embracing New Feminism”

    At this event: (The pictures of several of the speakers look they were lightly sprayed with mist, like they're all sweating profusely.)

    I, for one, salute our New-Feminist Overladies.

    1. SorosBot

      Sponsored by a bunch of groups from the forced-birth movement; "New Feminism" seems like it should really be called anti-feminism.

      Also, slight HTML problem with the link – but it works if you delete the quotation mark.

    2. Zvi_Bleindmeis

      I vaguely remember hearing the biography of some martyred early Christian saint who was afflicted with beauty, and to keep from attracting the attention of men, she put hooks into her flesh and hung weights on them. That's some powerful Catholic feminism that K-Lo ought to include in her speech.

      1. PristineODummy

        Gotta dispose of all them scraped-out fetii somehow. You got something better to suggest than a luau?

          1. PristineODummy

            Poi just does NOT have that wonderfully carcinogenic fresh-from-teh-grill-wiv-marks aroma. Although it's probably easier to distribute in that form. Giant tube hookups to every house. Yes, I'm getting an idea heah.

  24. proudgrampa

    Speaking (well, writing) as a happily married man – 27 years and counting – I will tell you that marriage is freakin' hard work. You must work at the relationship and compromise with your partner when you don't always see eye to eye. K-Lo doesn't strike me as a person with enough insight to understand this.

    1. Steverino247

      37.5 years, and it is hard work. The benefits (to us, at least) are too numerous to mention here. However, the really good news is my wife thinks it was silly to wait until marriage to fuck me.

  25. Redhead

    "Instead, K-Lo asked a “marriage expert” to explain why she cannot seem to find the happiness Jesus Christ intended for her, in the form of wedded bliss to some tough guy,"

    He's afraid of getting smooshed? Or possibly mistaken for a sandwich…

  26. cheaphits

    Since it's Valentines Day, I'm going to play matchmaker – K-Lo and the Skoal Rebel.

    Granted she would have to get used to mud cups all around the house, but that seems a small price to pay for wedded bliss..

    1. elfgoldsackring

      Hur hur! I jest knowed that Moo-shell was an obese junk-scarfing ghetto muslin anger bear. She's jest real sneaky, is all.

  27. elfgoldsackring

    Hey, K-Lo, here's a traditional marriage idea for you. Cash in everything you own, put on a burqa and get yourself to the compound of a polygamous sect. If your dowry is big enough, maybe you can become the abused fifth wife of a minor hanger-on. Result!

  28. sati_demise

    No wonder she is having troubles, all she has to do is pull that diaphram out and the date is ovah……
    '(sound of running feet, door slam)

  29. BklynIlluminati

    Well Ms. Lopez do the words heinous bitch mean anything to you? I'm sorry but tough on valentines day is best for all of us.

  30. lulzmonger

    "Wait, so marriage has failed in America because of capitalism?"

    Scholars seldom cite Adam Smith's epic erotic poem, The Wealth Of Poontang.

  31. Jukesgrrl

    Every 20-year-old I meet tells me it's because the olds won't retire. Imagine that, people who think they're entitled to work until they're 65.

  32. BarackMyWorld

    Other things we can blame capitalism for:
    -smut on TV

    So, I guess my point is "Yay, capitalism!"

  33. Negropolis

    Jesus is like the perfect marriage counselor. Who knows more about marriage than a 30-something single dude who always travels around with his boys, all year? Hengh?

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