FLOTUS FILES  4:15 pm February 14, 2011

Michelle Obama Will Cure Your Obesity and Failing Love Life

by Blair Burke

That's MRS. Flotus to you...As we all know, First Lady Michelle Obama is a style icon, a champion of healthy eating, and a superhero. But she is also an expert on love, especially when it comes to romancing President Barack Obama. And thanks to some terrific relationship advice from our FLOTUS, instead of eating Lunchables in front of a marathon of “Hoarders” or desperately whoring themselves out on Craigslist, Americans can celebrate Valentine’s Day in a classy, fat-free manner this year, by following our FLOTUS’ ultimate secret to a healthy, happy relationship: laughing at the president.

At a White House luncheon last Tuesday, a bunch of gross reporters asked our FLOTUS how she could stand to be married to Barack Obama for so long, because she is so awesome, and he kind of seems like a drag.

“I think a lot of laughing,” the first lady said Tuesday at a White House luncheon with reporters who asked about the Obamas’ union. “I think in our house we don’t take ourselves too seriously, and laughter is the best form of unity, I think, in a marriage.

“So we still find ways to have fun together, and a lot of it is private and personal. But we keep each other smiling and that’s good,” she added.

It is easy for Michelle to laugh at President Obama, because everything he does is hysterical. Whether he’s struggling with a crippling nicotine addiction or shouting about salmon, Michelle’s husband is devoted to supplying the lulz. But what could these “private and personal” fun things be, we wonder? Low-calorie food fights in the Lincoln Bedroom? Whatever they are, they have kept the Obamas together for almost twenty years – that’s pretty much the entire life expectancy of today’s obese youth!

It also helps that Obama is “very romantic.”

“He remembers dates, birthdays,” Mrs. Obama said last week on “Live! With Regis and Kelly.” “He doesn’t forget a thing, even when I think he is… I’ll have a little attitude. I give him a little attitude, but he always comes through.”

“Got to keep the romance alive, even in the White House,” she said.

For anyone looking to catch Michelle’s eye on this romantic day, a card and a plate of celery is not going to cut it.

As for Valentine’s Day on Monday, the first lady said her husband would do right by giving her jewelry.

“You can’t go wrong,” she said.

Barry better come through with a perfect Valentine’s Day gift for our beloved FLOTUS – he’s probably one lame gift away from sleeping out in the vegetable garden. [AP]

Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama’s every move for “The FLOTUS Files,” which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.

 
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{ 64 comments }

ifthethunderdontgetya February 14, 2011 at 4:20 pm

Today you are being laughed at.

Tomorrow, Bo has your spot on the bed.
~

nounverb911 February 14, 2011 at 4:21 pm

But can she find a guy for K-Lo?

KenLayIsAlive February 14, 2011 at 4:23 pm

She'll have to cure at least one significant case of obesity first. Though that won't prevent the stupid from doing it's repulsive work.

Fare la Volpe February 14, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Even Wonder Woman has her limits.

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] February 14, 2011 at 4:25 pm

She's the first lady, not Jesus/Allah/Xenu/Clapton.

i_like_tigers February 14, 2011 at 4:21 pm

I should have asked FLOTUS before I incorrectly purchased my woman a coffee mug that says "Over the Hill" for Valentine's Day.

SexySmurf February 14, 2011 at 4:25 pm

You should have bought her a vacuum cleaner. Romantic and practical.

i_like_tigers February 14, 2011 at 4:27 pm

I don't let women use powertools. She already has a big broom, a little broom, and a hand broom with the dust pan attached. Also, a swiffer thing. She is so spoiled.

tribbzthesquidz February 14, 2011 at 4:29 pm

A vacuum with sexy attachments that is. Woo!

widestanceroman February 14, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Get her some black striped dishtowels and tell her how slimming they are when she's using them. You can thank me with an up fist now.

V572625694 February 14, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Do they have those at Walmart, or do I have to go upscale to Target to get them?

widestanceroman February 14, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Forever 41.

DerrickWildcat February 14, 2011 at 4:23 pm

I couldn't give a rats ass if the food that I'm served is healthy or not. Eating and drinking stuff that poor people can not afford is all that matters.

Gopherit February 14, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Breitbart's rag is sending a little love Michelle's way this Valentine's day:

http://biggovernment.com/hudlash/2011/02/12/obama

baconzgood February 14, 2011 at 4:28 pm

EWWWWWWWWWW!!!! You made me log on to biggovernment.cum. Shame on you. Shame on you Gopher. Now I need a shower.

Gopherit February 14, 2011 at 4:30 pm

If he's good enough for Riley, he's good enough for you.

WriteyWriterton February 14, 2011 at 4:46 pm

Save some hot water for moi. By the way, the humor quotient of the cartoon to which you sent us, you b*st*rd/, is somewhere south of Metamarcsif's p#. Ugh.

Cicada February 14, 2011 at 4:47 pm

In wingnut land, Michelle is a big fat pig who eats burgers all day long.

Does that mean that Andrew Breitbart is a svelte man who likes to fuck women?

Gopherit February 14, 2011 at 5:13 pm

Well, I mean, she is brown. Isn't it amazing how wingnut views of minorities so perfectly mirror what the rest of us see in wingnuts? Paging Dr Freud.

WriteyWriterton February 14, 2011 at 5:28 pm

On Bizarro World/Breitbart-sites, yes.

Fare la Volpe February 14, 2011 at 4:54 pm

I'm starting to understand wingnut humor:

Panel 1: Random non sequitur
Panel 2: Random non sequitur
Panel 3: "HILARIOUS" random non sequitur

BlueStateLibel February 14, 2011 at 4:55 pm

I like the wingnut complaining that restaurant portions have "gotten smaller." Yeah right, wingnut, every study shows that they've just gotten bigger and bigger. You won't be happy until you get your food out of a food pail.

jus_wonderin February 14, 2011 at 5:17 pm

You know how it is when raw oysters are served on the shell? I think the wingnuts want their beef served that way. (Think about it….3, 2,1,…)

genxr February 14, 2011 at 5:29 pm

They use the pail for a spoon.

DaRooster February 14, 2011 at 6:12 pm

Strap it on… the pail that is.

SexySmurf February 14, 2011 at 4:29 pm

“So we still find ways to have fun together, and a lot of it is private and personal. But we keep each other smiling and that’s good”

Barack likes to draw a sad face on his penis and call it "John Boner".

elfgoldsackring February 14, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Even so, should it really be weeping so much?

JustPixelz February 14, 2011 at 4:44 pm

Weeping? Is that what the kids call it these days?

Fare la Volpe February 14, 2011 at 4:56 pm

He dips it in some Sunkist for added effect.

WriteyWriterton February 14, 2011 at 5:18 pm

I thought Tang TM.

Extemporanus February 14, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Wang, dang, sweet moon Tang!

V572625694 February 14, 2011 at 4:58 pm

It's sad until Michelle strokes it to happiness. I'm sure this is possible but haven't tried it.

June_Cleaver2.0 February 14, 2011 at 7:00 pm

And then Michelle has got to kiss the sad face and make it happy.

OkieDokieDog February 14, 2011 at 4:31 pm

Well it's rather easy to imagine (not that I do) these two making some hot sweet love, while it was really unimaginable (I tried and failed) trying to picture the Bushes (any of them – except maybe that one brother who had the hot sex in Taiwan or whatever)… I forgot what I was talking about. Anyway. Yay!

Radiotherapy February 14, 2011 at 5:16 pm

I always had trouble with Ike and Mamie, for some odd reason.

cheaphits February 14, 2011 at 5:51 pm

For me it was Pat & Richard Nixon….he seemed way to tense for sex and she looked…I dunno, brittle.

horsedreamer_1 February 14, 2011 at 4:33 pm

But Barack already put a ring on it!

Is Michelle trying to tell us Beyonce lied to us, that the bestowing of jewels to secure a union is not a singular event, but one which must be repeated? Greedwhores!

baconzgood February 14, 2011 at 4:33 pm

I find that photograph of the FLOTUS easy to masterbate to.

OneDollarJuana February 14, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Be careful with those low-calorie food fights. A carrot could put out an eye!

GuanoFaucet February 14, 2011 at 4:44 pm

Cool, I hope she next works on curing the epidemic of dumbfuckery that has overtaken a large segment of the US population.

WriteyWriterton February 14, 2011 at 4:53 pm

The condition is incurable. Better to send them all to hospice.

Death panels rule!

AngryBlakGuy February 14, 2011 at 4:44 pm

…being that my "love life" consist of a bottle of lotion and a old sock; Im not sure if there is much left for her to cure.

Fare la Volpe February 14, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Show your sock you care by washing it today. It's the little things that count.

WriteyWriterton February 14, 2011 at 5:19 pm

And cap the lotion tightly so it doesn't dry out. Thoughtful is as thoughtful does.

fuflans February 14, 2011 at 4:45 pm

i don't care if he is the worst president ever in the whole history of all of US america: he and his family are very attractive. also, we don't have to celebrate our precious precious valentine's day with crankypants mccain and our lady of perpetual grifting and scandal.

but i am shallow that way.

EdFlintstone February 14, 2011 at 4:52 pm

Do nipple rings count as jewelry for v-day?

V572625694 February 14, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Only in England, and you have to spell it "jewellery."

Fare la Volpe February 14, 2011 at 5:03 pm

Only if they're sufficiently bedazzled. And none of the cheap stuff either: we're talking real Diamonelle here.

DrunkIrishman February 14, 2011 at 4:53 pm

But does she know how to talk someone down from an Orange Sunshine acid trip?

WriteyWriterton February 14, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Who doesn't?

V572625694 February 14, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Michelle recommends a big dose of niacin when your trip goes bad.

Radiotherapy February 14, 2011 at 5:21 pm

Yeah, exactly, where's our jobs?

transfatz February 15, 2011 at 7:52 am

With unicorn scenes and thorazines and tuinal in a row.

PalinPussyPower February 14, 2011 at 5:14 pm

I have no snark for this woman. Classy, smart, beautiful. I can't even muster up the perversity to want to defile her, and I'll defile anyone/anything. She's just that good.

PristineODummy February 14, 2011 at 5:25 pm

Yes. Yes, she is. Perhaps we should resort to defiling PayLin instead. She makes it so easy.

shirleyplz February 14, 2011 at 5:25 pm

She is that good- I adore our 'beloved FLOTUS.' She's absolutely right about keeping the laughter going in a marriage.

Extemporanus February 14, 2011 at 5:20 pm

The Barry White House can't get enough of your love, babe.

Callyson February 14, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Wait: does this mean that a successful relationship requires that I laugh at my partner? If so, I've got a problem: I do a lot of laughing too, but most of it is directed at the wingnuts…hmmm, now I see why I am single

genxr February 14, 2011 at 5:28 pm

If you strike down their arguments, they will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

proudgrampa February 14, 2011 at 5:45 pm

Does she mean that if he doesn't give her jewelry, he would be wrong? Sorry, that's a bit too acquisitive for my taste.

Come here a minute February 14, 2011 at 5:45 pm

Do you really need more of an aphrodisiac than "Most Powerful Man In The World"?

DEMANDING!

Worthly Wokette Skum February 14, 2011 at 7:18 pm

Yeah, yeah, Michele. Considerate, romantic, etc. How about some dimensions?

gef05 February 14, 2011 at 7:29 pm

"…Obama is “very romantic"…"

= 8 inches

MarionNYNY February 14, 2011 at 8:21 pm

I'll have what she's having.

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