flotus files

Michelle Obama Will Cure Your Obesity and Failing Love Life

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That's MRS. Flotus to you...As we all know, First Lady Michelle Obama is a style icon, a champion of healthy eating, and a superhero. But she is also an expert on love, especially when it comes to romancing President Barack Obama. And thanks to some terrific relationship advice from our FLOTUS, instead of eating Lunchables in front of a marathon of “Hoarders” or desperately whoring themselves out on Craigslist, Americans can celebrate Valentine’s Day in a classy, fat-free manner this year, by following our FLOTUS’ ultimate secret to a healthy, happy relationship: laughing at the president.

At a White House luncheon last Tuesday, a bunch of gross reporters asked our FLOTUS how she could stand to be married to Barack Obama for so long, because she is so awesome, and he kind of seems like a drag.

“I think a lot of laughing,” the first lady said Tuesday at a White House luncheon with reporters who asked about the Obamas’ union. “I think in our house we don’t take ourselves too seriously, and laughter is the best form of unity, I think, in a marriage.

“So we still find ways to have fun together, and a lot of it is private and personal. But we keep each other smiling and that’s good,” she added.

It is easy for Michelle to laugh at President Obama, because everything he does is hysterical. Whether he’s struggling with a crippling nicotine addiction or shouting about salmon, Michelle’s husband is devoted to supplying the lulz. But what could these “private and personal” fun things be, we wonder? Low-calorie food fights in the Lincoln Bedroom? Whatever they are, they have kept the Obamas together for almost twenty years – that’s pretty much the entire life expectancy of today’s obese youth!

It also helps that Obama is “very romantic.”

“He remembers dates, birthdays,” Mrs. Obama said last week on “Live! With Regis and Kelly.” “He doesn’t forget a thing, even when I think he is… I’ll have a little attitude. I give him a little attitude, but he always comes through.”

“Got to keep the romance alive, even in the White House,” she said.

For anyone looking to catch Michelle’s eye on this romantic day, a card and a plate of celery is not going to cut it.

As for Valentine’s Day on Monday, the first lady said her husband would do right by giving her jewelry.

“You can’t go wrong,” she said.

Sponsored Intermission

Barry better come through with a perfect Valentine’s Day gift for our beloved FLOTUS – he’s probably one lame gift away from sleeping out in the vegetable garden. [AP]

Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama’s every move for “The FLOTUS Files,” which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.

About the author

Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

View all articles by Blair Burke

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Today you are being laughed at.

    Tomorrow, Bo has your spot on the bed.
    ~

  • nounverb911

    But can she find a guy for K-Lo?

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      She'll have to cure at least one significant case of obesity first. Though that won't prevent the stupid from doing it's repulsive work.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Even Wonder Woman has her limits.

    • Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

      She's the first lady, not Jesus/Allah/Xenu/Clapton.

  • http://wonkette.com i_like_tigers

    I should have asked FLOTUS before I incorrectly purchased my woman a coffee mug that says "Over the Hill" for Valentine's Day.

    • SexySmurf

      You should have bought her a vacuum cleaner. Romantic and practical.

      • http://wonkette.com i_like_tigers

        I don't let women use powertools. She already has a big broom, a little broom, and a hand broom with the dust pan attached. Also, a swiffer thing. She is so spoiled.

      • tribbzthesquidz

        A vacuum with sexy attachments that is. Woo!

    • widestanceroman

      Get her some black striped dishtowels and tell her how slimming they are when she's using them. You can thank me with an up fist now.

      • V572625694

        Do they have those at Walmart, or do I have to go upscale to Target to get them?

        • widestanceroman

          Forever 41.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    I couldn't give a rats ass if the food that I'm served is healthy or not. Eating and drinking stuff that poor people can not afford is all that matters.

  • Gopherit

    Breitbart's rag is sending a little love Michelle's way this Valentine's day:

    http://biggovernment.com/hudlash/2011/02/12/obama

    • baconzgood

      EWWWWWWWWWW!!!! You made me log on to biggovernment.cum. Shame on you. Shame on you Gopher. Now I need a shower.

      • Gopherit

        If he's good enough for Riley, he's good enough for you.

      • WriteyWriterton

        Save some hot water for moi. By the way, the humor quotient of the cartoon to which you sent us, you b*st*rd/, is somewhere south of Metamarcsif's p#. Ugh.

    • Cicada

      In wingnut land, Michelle is a big fat pig who eats burgers all day long.

      Does that mean that Andrew Breitbart is a svelte man who likes to fuck women?

      • Gopherit

        Well, I mean, she is brown. Isn't it amazing how wingnut views of minorities so perfectly mirror what the rest of us see in wingnuts? Paging Dr Freud.

      • WriteyWriterton

        On Bizarro World/Breitbart-sites, yes.

    • Fare la Volpe

      I'm starting to understand wingnut humor:

      Panel 1: Random non sequitur
      Panel 2: Random non sequitur
      Panel 3: "HILARIOUS" random non sequitur

    • BlueStateLibel

      I like the wingnut complaining that restaurant portions have "gotten smaller." Yeah right, wingnut, every study shows that they've just gotten bigger and bigger. You won't be happy until you get your food out of a food pail.

      • jus_wonderin

        You know how it is when raw oysters are served on the shell? I think the wingnuts want their beef served that way. (Think about it….3, 2,1,…)

      • genxr

        They use the pail for a spoon.

      • DaRooster

        Strap it on… the pail that is.

  • SexySmurf

    “So we still find ways to have fun together, and a lot of it is private and personal. But we keep each other smiling and that’s good”

    Barack likes to draw a sad face on his penis and call it "John Boner".

    • elfgoldsackring

      Even so, should it really be weeping so much?

      • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

        Weeping? Is that what the kids call it these days?

    • Fare la Volpe

      He dips it in some Sunkist for added effect.

      • WriteyWriterton

        I thought Tang TM.

      • Extemporanus

        Wang, dang, sweet moon Tang!

    • V572625694

      It's sad until Michelle strokes it to happiness. I'm sure this is possible but haven't tried it.

    • June_Cleaver2.0

      And then Michelle has got to kiss the sad face and make it happy.

  • OkieDokieDog

    Well it's rather easy to imagine (not that I do) these two making some hot sweet love, while it was really unimaginable (I tried and failed) trying to picture the Bushes (any of them – except maybe that one brother who had the hot sex in Taiwan or whatever)… I forgot what I was talking about. Anyway. Yay!

    • Radiotherapy

      I always had trouble with Ike and Mamie, for some odd reason.

      • http://www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/cheaphits/reviews/ cheaphits

        For me it was Pat & Richard Nixon….he seemed way to tense for sex and she looked…I dunno, brittle.

  • horsedreamer_1

    But Barack already put a ring on it!

    Is Michelle trying to tell us Beyonce lied to us, that the bestowing of jewels to secure a union is not a singular event, but one which must be repeated? Greedwhores!

  • baconzgood

    I find that photograph of the FLOTUS easy to masterbate to.

  • OneDollarJuana

    Be careful with those low-calorie food fights. A carrot could put out an eye!

  • GuanoFaucet

    Cool, I hope she next works on curing the epidemic of dumbfuckery that has overtaken a large segment of the US population.

    • WriteyWriterton

      The condition is incurable. Better to send them all to hospice.

      Death panels rule!

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …being that my "love life" consist of a bottle of lotion and a old sock; Im not sure if there is much left for her to cure.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Show your sock you care by washing it today. It's the little things that count.

    • WriteyWriterton

      And cap the lotion tightly so it doesn't dry out. Thoughtful is as thoughtful does.

  • fuflans

    i don't care if he is the worst president ever in the whole history of all of US america: he and his family are very attractive. also, we don't have to celebrate our precious precious valentine's day with crankypants mccain and our lady of perpetual grifting and scandal.

    but i am shallow that way.

  • EdFlintstone

    Do nipple rings count as jewelry for v-day?

    • V572625694

      Only in England, and you have to spell it "jewellery."

    • Fare la Volpe

      Only if they're sufficiently bedazzled. And none of the cheap stuff either: we're talking real Diamonelle here.

  • DrunkIrishman

    But does she know how to talk someone down from an Orange Sunshine acid trip?

    • WriteyWriterton

      Who doesn't?

    • V572625694

      Michelle recommends a big dose of niacin when your trip goes bad.

    • Radiotherapy

      Yeah, exactly, where's our jobs?

    • transfatz

      With unicorn scenes and thorazines and tuinal in a row.

  • PalinPussyPower

    I have no snark for this woman. Classy, smart, beautiful. I can't even muster up the perversity to want to defile her, and I'll defile anyone/anything. She's just that good.

    • PristineODummy

      Yes. Yes, she is. Perhaps we should resort to defiling PayLin instead. She makes it so easy.

    • shirleyplz

      She is that good- I adore our 'beloved FLOTUS.' She's absolutely right about keeping the laughter going in a marriage.

  • Extemporanus

    The Barry White House can't get enough of your love, babe.

  • Callyson

    Wait: does this mean that a successful relationship requires that I laugh at my partner? If so, I've got a problem: I do a lot of laughing too, but most of it is directed at the wingnuts…hmmm, now I see why I am single

  • genxr

    If you strike down their arguments, they will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

  • proudgrampa

    Does she mean that if he doesn't give her jewelry, he would be wrong? Sorry, that's a bit too acquisitive for my taste.

  • Come here a minute

    Do you really need more of an aphrodisiac than "Most Powerful Man In The World"?

    DEMANDING!

  • Worthly Wokette Skum

    Yeah, yeah, Michele. Considerate, romantic, etc. How about some dimensions?

    • gef05

      "…Obama is “very romantic"…"

      = 8 inches

  • http://www.marionstein.net MarionNYNY

    I'll have what she's having.