flotus files

Michelle Obama Will Cure Your Obesity and Failing Love Life

That's MRS. Flotus to you...As we all know, First Lady Michelle Obama is a style icon, a champion of healthy eating, and a superhero. But she is also an expert on love, especially when it comes to romancing President Barack Obama. And thanks to some terrific relationship advice from our FLOTUS, instead of eating Lunchables in front of a marathon of “Hoarders” or desperately whoring themselves out on Craigslist, Americans can celebrate Valentine’s Day in a classy, fat-free manner this year, by following our FLOTUS’ ultimate secret to a healthy, happy relationship: laughing at the president.

At a White House luncheon last Tuesday, a bunch of gross reporters asked our FLOTUS how she could stand to be married to Barack Obama for so long, because she is so awesome, and he kind of seems like a drag.

“I think a lot of laughing,” the first lady said Tuesday at a White House luncheon with reporters who asked about the Obamas’ union. “I think in our house we don’t take ourselves too seriously, and laughter is the best form of unity, I think, in a marriage.

“So we still find ways to have fun together, and a lot of it is private and personal. But we keep each other smiling and that’s good,” she added.

It is easy for Michelle to laugh at President Obama, because everything he does is hysterical. Whether he’s struggling with a crippling nicotine addiction or shouting about salmon, Michelle’s husband is devoted to supplying the lulz. But what could these “private and personal” fun things be, we wonder? Low-calorie food fights in the Lincoln Bedroom? Whatever they are, they have kept the Obamas together for almost twenty years – that’s pretty much the entire life expectancy of today’s obese youth!

It also helps that Obama is “very romantic.”

“He remembers dates, birthdays,” Mrs. Obama said last week on “Live! With Regis and Kelly.” “He doesn’t forget a thing, even when I think he is… I’ll have a little attitude. I give him a little attitude, but he always comes through.”

“Got to keep the romance alive, even in the White House,” she said.

For anyone looking to catch Michelle’s eye on this romantic day, a card and a plate of celery is not going to cut it.

As for Valentine’s Day on Monday, the first lady said her husband would do right by giving her jewelry.

“You can’t go wrong,” she said.

Barry better come through with a perfect Valentine’s Day gift for our beloved FLOTUS – he’s probably one lame gift away from sleeping out in the vegetable garden. [AP]

Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama’s every move for “The FLOTUS Files,” which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.

About the author

Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

View all articles by Blair Burke
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      1. i_like_tigers

        I don't let women use powertools. She already has a big broom, a little broom, and a hand broom with the dust pan attached. Also, a swiffer thing. She is so spoiled.

    1. widestanceroman

      Get her some black striped dishtowels and tell her how slimming they are when she's using them. You can thank me with an up fist now.

    1. baconzgood

      EWWWWWWWWWW!!!! You made me log on to biggovernment.cum. Shame on you. Shame on you Gopher. Now I need a shower.

      1. WriteyWriterton

        Save some hot water for moi. By the way, the humor quotient of the cartoon to which you sent us, you b*st*rd/, is somewhere south of Metamarcsif's p#. Ugh.

    2. Cicada

      In wingnut land, Michelle is a big fat pig who eats burgers all day long.

      Does that mean that Andrew Breitbart is a svelte man who likes to fuck women?

      1. Gopherit

        Well, I mean, she is brown. Isn't it amazing how wingnut views of minorities so perfectly mirror what the rest of us see in wingnuts? Paging Dr Freud.

    3. Fare la Volpe

      I'm starting to understand wingnut humor:

      Panel 1: Random non sequitur
      Panel 2: Random non sequitur
      Panel 3: "HILARIOUS" random non sequitur

    4. BlueStateLibel

      I like the wingnut complaining that restaurant portions have "gotten smaller." Yeah right, wingnut, every study shows that they've just gotten bigger and bigger. You won't be happy until you get your food out of a food pail.

      1. jus_wonderin

        You know how it is when raw oysters are served on the shell? I think the wingnuts want their beef served that way. (Think about it….3, 2,1,…)

  1. SexySmurf

    “So we still find ways to have fun together, and a lot of it is private and personal. But we keep each other smiling and that’s good”

    Barack likes to draw a sad face on his penis and call it "John Boner".

  2. OkieDokieDog

    Well it's rather easy to imagine (not that I do) these two making some hot sweet love, while it was really unimaginable (I tried and failed) trying to picture the Bushes (any of them – except maybe that one brother who had the hot sex in Taiwan or whatever)… I forgot what I was talking about. Anyway. Yay!

  3. horsedreamer_1

    But Barack already put a ring on it!

    Is Michelle trying to tell us Beyonce lied to us, that the bestowing of jewels to secure a union is not a singular event, but one which must be repeated? Greedwhores!

  4. GuanoFaucet

    Cool, I hope she next works on curing the epidemic of dumbfuckery that has overtaken a large segment of the US population.

  5. AngryBlakGuy

    …being that my "love life" consist of a bottle of lotion and a old sock; Im not sure if there is much left for her to cure.

  6. fuflans

    i don't care if he is the worst president ever in the whole history of all of US america: he and his family are very attractive. also, we don't have to celebrate our precious precious valentine's day with crankypants mccain and our lady of perpetual grifting and scandal.

    but i am shallow that way.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      Only if they're sufficiently bedazzled. And none of the cheap stuff either: we're talking real Diamonelle here.

  7. PalinPussyPower

    I have no snark for this woman. Classy, smart, beautiful. I can't even muster up the perversity to want to defile her, and I'll defile anyone/anything. She's just that good.

    1. shirleyplz

      She is that good- I adore our 'beloved FLOTUS.' She's absolutely right about keeping the laughter going in a marriage.

  8. Callyson

    Wait: does this mean that a successful relationship requires that I laugh at my partner? If so, I've got a problem: I do a lot of laughing too, but most of it is directed at the wingnuts…hmmm, now I see why I am single

  9. proudgrampa

    Does she mean that if he doesn't give her jewelry, he would be wrong? Sorry, that's a bit too acquisitive for my taste.

  10. Come here a minute

    Do you really need more of an aphrodisiac than "Most Powerful Man In The World"?


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