The world’s largest retailer for the world’s largest customers, Wal-Mart, has decided to open four stores in the Nation’s Capital. For one (usually good) reason or another — China, jobs, lead poisoning, the destruction of entire American towns — people who have never had to suffer the fate of buying Wal-Mart boxes of corn-syrup Phat Clusterz or Hannah Montana jeggings still claim to despise these superstores. But there’s another reason to hate Wal-Mart, according to the wise leaders of Washington: Poor people are so entranced by the aisles and aisles of shiny junk, they just can’t stop themselves from shoplifting!

It turns out that access to dirt-cheap retail is really only for better-off people who can avoid the temptation to steal everything:

Residents worry that [Wal-Mart] would suffer severely or even fail because of petty theft.

… Brenda Speaks, a Ward 4 ANC commissioner, actually urged blocking construction of the planned store in her ward at Georgia and Missouri avenues NW partly because of that risk. Addressing a small, anti-Wal-Mart rally at City Hall on Monday, Speaks said young people would get criminal records when they couldn’t resist the temptation to steal.

D.C.’s poor young people should only steal from local merchants.

How bad can the young people in D.C. be at stealing anyway that it’s guaranteed they would get caught? Can’t Facebook organize the youths and fix this? FACEBOOK DO SOMETHING. [Washington Post]

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  • Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

    How bad can the young people in D.C. be at stealing anyway that it’s guaranteed they would get caught?

    Just one more way the educational system is failing our youth.

  • DashboardBuddha

    I am a thief I stole from Walmart

    I am so poor due to the collapse of the American dream that I was forced to steal to survive while rich, fat motherfuckers became richer and fatter.


    • Lascauxcaveman

      Probably was stealing ammo, insecticide, epinephidrine (for making meth) and a carton of smokes.

      • DashboardBuddha

        Well sure…wouldn't you?

        • V572625694

          Like buying lottery tickets — for some people, it's a bet worth making.

    • Rotundo_

      If I saw some poor bastard forced to wear that sign, I'd walk up, introduce myself and go buy them the beverage of their choice and tell them that stealing from a retail establishment is wrong. Then tell them that doing so to WalMart is an act of economic protest against fascistic corporatists.

  • OneDollarJuana

    If Wal-Mart would pay their workers more they wouldn't feel obligated to steal.

  • MinAgain

    People, people. You need to learn to steal from a better class of establishment. You know, like those guys on Wall Street.

    • Not everyone can receive an Ivy League education, in contrast to our president/kleptomaniacs these past couple decades.

    • DashboardBuddha

      "Steal a little and they put you in jail…steal a lot and they make you king"

  • finally Jean Schmidt has some competition for DC's Biggest Box.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Wow, what a coincidence! I boycott Tiffany's for this exact same reason!!!

  • MildMidwesterner

    The poor know nothing of frugality.

  • Mahousu

    China and Wal-Mart do have a special relationship, don't they?

    • V572625694

      Chinese "loss prevention officers" don't fuck around with Miranda rights'n'shit.

  • metamarcisf

    To prevent theft? That's what those blue-vested scooter riding armed security teabaggers are being paid to do. Not only that, you'd better be ready to show your fucking receipt too. Also. Truly good news for John McCain.

  • Come here a minute

    DC Police are urged to be on the lookout for thieves on scooters.

  • SorosBot

    Hey, the young people might get away with it, assuming they're fit; it's the hoveround-bound shoplifters that are sure to get caught as we saw earlier.

  • CapeClod

    You can hold down petty theft by not allowing fat scooters in the store. Of course, that does cut into a significant section of your most likely customers.

  • "Brenda Speaks, a Ward 4 ANC commissioner"

    The parents of the kids who she claims can't resist stealing from Wal-Mart voted for this person?

  • Eve8Apples

    Stealing from Wal-Mart is the gateway drug for American youngins who grow-up dreaming of becoming DC lobbyists.

  • freakishlywrong

    Today…we are all Wal-Mart shoplifters.

  • Yeah now Riley can get his tween makeup.

  • HolyMaracas

    Wal-Mart is essentially stealing from taxpayers by having 1.5+million minimum-wage workers that qualify for welfare. On top of that, only 44% of these employees have health insurance. So whose loss is it?

  • Would shoplifting from Wal-Mart be okay if the would be thieves followed DC's proper protocol and registered as lobbyists?

  • el_donaldo

    Teach the kids right: if you steal a little bit at a time, rather than everything you can stuff into your puffy jacket, the store will stay in business longer, giving you more opportunities to steal. A little self control goes a long way!

    Yuk it up all you want to, but I dare you to find one store in D.C, that you can get a Shotgun, Miley Cyrus trash can, 7lb can of chocolate pudding and a glittery, "Sexy Grandma!" baby-doll tee in one place!

    • Mapmonger

      "a Shotgun, Miley Cyrus trash can, 7lb can of chocolate pudding and a glittery, "Sexy Grandma!" baby-doll tee"

      Sounds like you were planning one hell of a "Valentine's Day" evening. Did you eventually find everything you needed, or did you have to improvise?

  • I am not sure how much shoplifting there is at my local WalMart, but there are very long convoys of extra-wide, white trash Ameriken running up and down the aisles in the store-provided electric Hoverounds. You really have to be on your toes to keep from being knocked down by a fleshy overhanging buttock as they whiz past.

    • GOPCrusher

      Whiz? You don't hear the approaching rumble?

  • Mumbletypeg

    Show me the forward-thinking, broken-economy-resistant, home-grown, business owners who steal customers and their loyalty back from Wal-Mart.
    That's a placard I'd hang round my head with pride.

  • V572625694

    Hard to know who to hate more here, Walmart (always hate-worthy) or a racist councilmember determined to save her food-desert-residing constituents from the scourge of cheap groceries.

    • babyeinstein

      i live in 4B actually, we only have two white commissioners and neither of them is Ms. Speaks.

      not that black people can't be racist, and not that what she said wasn't stupid, although i'm 100% with her that this is a BAD IDEA. i'm just guessing that you assumed she was white, and she's not.

      • V572625694

        I knew she was African-American, but to say minority kids are more inclined to shoplift struck me as kinda racist.

        • babyeinstein

          it's certainly a thorny issue. on the one hand, yes, saying a minority group is more likely to exhibit criminal behavior definitely fits the definition of racist.

          on the other hand, conversations about race happen differently here than anywhere else in the country, in my experience. people talk very openly about it, especially in local politics – you never white people drop their voices when they say the words "black people" the way you do in, say NYC or LA (again, this is just my experience, having grown up here, gone to school in NY, lived in LA for a bit, and then coming home again). and because the city's majority population is african-american, that's the community you're going to be talking about when you talk about your constituency.

          it's pure statistics, not racism, to say that we have a lot of crime in this city, and a lot of that crime is various kinds of theft and robbery. so, again, i'm not sure that ms. speaks meant to say "black people steal all the time" so much as "teenagers steal all the time." again, not an appropriate thing to say, but you have to remember what city you're dealing with here.

  • DCHatesMe

    This will boost the economy. Bring needed jobs, tax revenues, and low priced merchandise into the DC area. A boon for struggling minority neighborhoods.

    Stock Answers – only a $1.05!

  • Everyone under 25 here is now dubbed Generation WalMart*.

  • ttommyunger

    The Father (Lord Ronnie) Son (Dubya) and Holy Ghost (Koch Bros.) must love the poor, since they made so many of them over the last thirty or forty years. I, for one, will be at the Grand Openings; I hear they are giving free Banjos to the first 100 Shoplifters.

    • PublicLuxury

      You can't get a Banjo if you have teeth, Tommy. Check the rule book, friend.

      • ttommyunger

        Do Crowns and implants count against me?

        • PublicLuxury

          Nope. You can have all the crowns and implants you want.

          • ttommyunger

            Reminds me of my late father; after Prostate surgery at age 74 (he died at 83) he was impotent. He and mom decided they would remedy the situation through the miracle of modern surgery. At the initial physician conference he was a little uncomfortable (he was a preacher) and self-consciously explained that he wanted a penile “transplant”. The doctor (an old family friend) without skipping a beat, asked dad if he preferred any particular color. That broke the ice.

      • GOPCrusher

        Even if you carry them in your pocket?

        • PublicLuxury

          Carrying them in your pocket would count as toothless. You can now own a Banjo, Crusher. Have fun. Try not to screw your sister-in-law or, oh, for get it.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Hillary is stoked.

  • Pragmatist2

    Truth Moment: The typical DC Yuppie woud rather die than have someone know they went to WalMart. I'm not afraid to admit it. It's elitism. The people who shop at WalMart give me the creeps. Go ahead, call me a Latte Liberal. You all know it is true.

    • zhubajie

      I know someone who owns a small clothing store in a college town. On occasion, he buys stuffed animals at Walmart, then sells them at a good mark-up to people who would never shop at Walmart.

  • hagajim

    Maybe, once they open, the Wonkette will have the opportunity to do a "People of Walmart – DC style" photoshoot.

  • MsElla

    If they can't resist stealing Wal-Mart's junk, they're looking at life without parole if they ever wander into Whole Foods.

  • TanzbodenKoenig

    Hahahaha holy shit what kind of elected official represents her constituents to the nation as hopeless kleptomaniac's unable to stop themselves from looting walmart, even though everything in there is dirt cheap anyway.

  • PublicLuxury

    I thought all the poors had been removed to Appalachia?

  • DangerHelvetica

    You steal from Wal-Mart, Wal-Mart steals your dignity.

  • jim89048

    I live in the part of Real USAmerica where our only industries are walmart and a private prison. Oh, and casinos. And whorehouses. Wait, WTF was I complaining about, before?

  • lochnessmonster

    Could the chilrens steal enough so that Wal-Mart goes out of business? Is that the plan?

  • finallyhappy

    Will this harm the Georgia Avenue Thrift Shop? See, I know the area- and I live in Silver Spring. I can't imagine the DC Walmart will have the wide rear shoppers I saw in the Walmart on Route 40 in Maryland. I don't think that there are old fat white people living near Georgia and Missouri, Black people who have lived there a long time and younger white people who are moving in.

  • deanbooth

    Reaction #1: Walmart is entrapment? Huh?

    Reaction #2: I've read that chimps in the wild didn't fight until the biologists started to put out bananas for them. Walmart is like bananas behind glass, and TV shows pictures of bananas all day long. (Or something.)

  • Negropolis

    Why can't it just be that you're opposing WalMart because it's WalMart? Why do we have to bring stereotypes in to prove how shitty FAILMart is?

    Thanks, Brenda Speaks, for reinforcing stereotypes. That should go along swimmingly for our community. Thanks, bitch, for saying that we shouoldn't have a WalMart because the darkies'll steal it blind.

  • zhubajie

    I have an acquaintance who strolls around Walmart, and when he sees something he likes, he breaks it in some minor way, reclaims it from the dumpster later! Then he repairs it.

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