A Children’s Treasury of CPAC Stupidity: the Final Chapter

by Jack Stuef

Tables hate black people.
Today was probably our last day at CPAC, an awful concentration camp of concentrated awfulness. But every winding Ron Paul book-signing line has to end somewhere, and we’re sure these folks are glad to be rid of us too. So here’s the last account of this crap, starring George Allen, Pam Geller, and a Joe Biden sex toy.

Refudiate cliches.
Here is what was in those bags on the table: A squishy Joe Biden. Why does this exist? Must be some sort of hate-masturbation sex toy, one that’s easy on old orifices.

The macaca gaze.
We asked George Allen which he preferred: democracy or Israel. “Both,” he said. But if you could have just one? “Both.”

Cruella DeMosk
Here’s Pam Geller in the middle of a GZ Mosk tirade. We gave her a list of seven religions and asked her to rank them from the one she would most like to see have a community center somewhat close to Ground Zero to the least. She refused, so the terrorists lost.

What a delicious woman.
The Mosk panel had a spread of nachos, soft pretzels, soda, and candy bars, because it would be indecent to let a vegetable hummus platter get near family members of 9/11 victims. Here’s the optimal eating strategy: a tower of pretzels in a river of cheese, a tower knocked down by a Muslim-hater EATING IT ALIVE.

Pass it around, give each other herpes.
Because if Fair Tax hasn’t been successful all these years, a tube of lip balm will certainly turn things around.

Whatever.
We were handed this book. We suspect it is aimed perfectly at the reading level of most of these attendees.

See you at CPAC next year! Just kidding, none of you are interested in gouging your eyes out.

 
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{ 127 comments }

Graham Cracker February 11, 2011 at 6:23 pm

Was that Cheney next to the lady with the pretzels? If you were that close to him Jack, could you feel the temperature drop?

bagofmice February 11, 2011 at 6:27 pm

That would totally harsh the molten on that cheese.

karen February 11, 2011 at 10:25 pm

Could you see your breath and feel your happiness sucked out of you?

Lost_Teabaggers February 12, 2011 at 12:11 am

Nahh…I think it's if any Republican manages to survive until a certain age eventually they also just morph into Dick Cheney…male and female alike (see: Lynn Cheney).

Negropolis February 13, 2011 at 2:31 am

Actually, I think the level of ambient light also drops in his presence.

Clancy_Pants February 11, 2011 at 6:27 pm

I wonder what Pam Geller's doing tonight? I'm diggin' the London Fog!

Crank_Tango February 11, 2011 at 6:41 pm

no shit. belted up tight too. gross, whatever is going on there.

BaldarTFlagass February 11, 2011 at 6:50 pm

She's like Agent 99, but as a crazed harpy, not Barbara Feldon.

nounverb911 February 11, 2011 at 7:04 pm

I doubt she's going to shul (שול).

LiveToServeYa February 11, 2011 at 6:30 pm

Haha, 'lip' balm. It's obviously meant to be applied to one's ass.

Radiotherapy February 11, 2011 at 6:39 pm

A teabagger favorite.

Cicada February 11, 2011 at 6:42 pm

It's actually the lube for the Biden butt plug. Someone needs to tell them to put a flared base on that thing before the ER is full of CPAC attendees.

Rarian Rakista February 11, 2011 at 6:50 pm

Hemmaroid cream with a picture of Sarah Palin on it would of caused an old person shoving riot.

RandPaulsToupee February 12, 2011 at 12:17 am

The old person shoving riot mental image made me laugh and laugh and laugh. But I'm stoned.

Lost_Teabaggers February 12, 2011 at 12:33 am

Knowing this generations wingnuts….it's applied there, but the cap is never taken off. Well at least that little tool will give the local rentboys a rest for tonight….yes, many a homophobe can rest assured knowing they won't be outed….YET.

Pragmatist2 February 11, 2011 at 6:31 pm

"I Can Read It All by Myself!"
Fat chance. First you'd have to figure out where it is they sell reading material that doesn't feature biker chicks.

JustPixelz February 12, 2011 at 8:50 am

They're confusing this book with "My Pet Goat" which Dubya did read all by himself. While his fellow citizens were dying on 9/11.

Gleem_McShineys February 11, 2011 at 6:34 pm

Are those actually her eyes, or are they just painted onto two smooth hollows in her face??

Snarke_Diem February 11, 2011 at 6:35 pm

Tried to add a comment 5 minutes ago, but have just thawed after locking eyes with Pretzel Woman and being frozen inert until now . . .

JoshuaNorton February 11, 2011 at 6:35 pm

By now I'm sure you realize that there's always 2 reasons a republican does something:

A "good" reason and
The real reason.

SorosBot February 11, 2011 at 6:36 pm

From several of the crowd shots Wonkette has shown, it looks like Jack, Riley and Liz were just about the only people at CPAC under 60.

EdFlintstone February 11, 2011 at 8:05 pm

Having 5 defibrillators on hand is required for any facility hosting CPAC.

Negropolis February 13, 2011 at 2:35 am

And, three of those are just for Cheney.

DrunkIrishman February 11, 2011 at 6:37 pm

Pretzel lady is like, "LAY OFF ME! I'M STARVING!"

PocketsTheClown February 11, 2011 at 6:49 pm

Looks like it needs some jelly donut.

genxr February 11, 2011 at 8:22 pm

"It places the pretzel in the basket, it does this whenever it's told."

Cicada February 11, 2011 at 6:38 pm

Aaaagh! That Pam Geller shot should come with some protection. I scrolled down and bam, mental herpes.

gef05 February 11, 2011 at 6:54 pm

Just imagine her and Bachman in the same room.

ifthethunderdontgetya February 11, 2011 at 7:15 pm

(Bolton mustache) Riders of the Storm!
~

Crank_Tango February 11, 2011 at 6:40 pm

reading level? who are you kidding, teatards can't comprehend rhyme.
it's one of the many reasons there are no teabagging rappers, no homo.

nounverb911 February 11, 2011 at 7:02 pm

How many of them have finished George II's favorite book "My Pet Goat"?

Radiotherapy February 11, 2011 at 7:02 pm

How funny was this auto-tune, tri-corner hat piece of crap?

Crank_Tango February 11, 2011 at 7:05 pm

am i really the only one to hate-thumb that vid?

ifthethunderdontgetya February 11, 2011 at 7:25 pm

I hate-thumbed it and left them a love note.
~

SorosBot February 11, 2011 at 7:49 pm

I was shocked to actually see intelligent comments on YouTube; based on the timestamps I figure they're all from Wonketters.

Radiotherapy February 11, 2011 at 7:49 pm

"the jizzmopper at the stripclub, MC T-bag" is timeless.

Fare la Volpe February 11, 2011 at 7:32 pm

This makes me hate white people so much, and I say that as a born-and-bred ginger.

Crank_Tango February 11, 2011 at 7:35 pm

yeah i am pretty racist against white people too, and I am so white I am kinda purple sometimes, and in some places.

Radiotherapy February 11, 2011 at 7:51 pm

And out of the four payasos blanco, that ConsTITution Kunt Kate is the worst.

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] February 11, 2011 at 9:37 pm

Mega dittos. Do you know how to sign up as a race traitor? Will I have swear fealty to the NAACP in person at one of their official "Kill Whitey" potlatch dinners, or will a promise that any daughters I might have will only be allowed to date scary black men be sufficient?

snoopyfan2010 February 11, 2011 at 6:40 pm

As Olberman once said, "It's that last claw of control, desperately clinging to power." or something like that.

Crank_Tango February 11, 2011 at 6:42 pm

that joe biden butt plug is a big fucking deal tho, also, whatever.

chascates February 11, 2011 at 6:44 pm

I don't know what is worse. That there is such a large percentage of people that have this rock-stupid mindset or that all GOP Presidential hopefuls must kowtow to them.

The only saving grace may be that to be a 'true believer' one must adhere to all the blarney. You must be for Intelligent Design, you must deny climate change, you must be against any form of progressive taxation, etc. There's got to be some doubt in most of these peoples' minds, no matter how deeply buried.

angryclownspawn February 11, 2011 at 7:39 pm

I guess you haven't met my dad then.

PocketsTheClown February 11, 2011 at 6:45 pm

I'm going to miss these heady days. We'll always have the bedbugs I suppose. Au revoir, Morans!

BaldarTFlagass February 11, 2011 at 6:47 pm

Now I want a soft pretzel. With mustard. And salt.

Fare la Volpe February 11, 2011 at 7:34 pm

And defibrillator.

moralturpentine February 11, 2011 at 6:48 pm

Bismallah, that Pam Geller is one horrifying Ifrit.

Rarian Rakista February 11, 2011 at 6:48 pm

Why does the Dr Seuss cat remind me of those racist monkey pics of blacks?

Didn't GWB look more like a money than Obama? I mean we all look like monkeys, but…

Bluestatelibel February 11, 2011 at 7:20 pm

The Dr. Seuss Obama-cat is sort of a melding of cartoonish depictions of the Irish back in the day and racist cartoonish depictions of American Africans. The teabaggers never cease to amaze me with how low they can sink.

trampndirtdown February 11, 2011 at 8:49 pm

Notice they worked in a teleprompter, they fucking hate that Bamer can read good and other stuff.

Iam_Who_Iam February 12, 2011 at 4:47 am

Thank you for finally providing me with a perfect teleprompter response. Hurrah!

sweetcommunist February 12, 2011 at 10:28 am

It also, confusingly, has some similarities to old racist caricatures of East Asians: enormous buckteeth, squinting eyes, &c. Maybe because of the communist China connection, even though the hat being sported by Obamacat is clearly a Russian ushanka?

harry_palmer February 11, 2011 at 6:52 pm

I always thought C-pack was a verb having something to do with buttsecks.

edgydrifter February 11, 2011 at 6:55 pm

I fully expect to see one of those "Refudiate" bumper stickers next to one that says "Speak English or Die" on my neighbor's pickup. Greed, Hostility, Self-Righteousness, Willful Ignorance and Hypocrisy must be the Five Pillars of American Conservatism.

angryclownspawn February 11, 2011 at 7:41 pm

How deliciously ironic. Refudiate isn't really an English word.

kittylittr February 12, 2011 at 1:02 am

Five Pillars? Mooslim!!!1!

MinAgain February 11, 2011 at 6:56 pm

If I refuted your refudiation, would we travel back in time?

JustPixelz February 12, 2011 at 8:57 am

Don't give the TP'er any ideas — they'd love to move America back to the 1950s or 1850s. But their wettest dream is to have Reagan in charge again. oh … oh … OMFG … sending gifts to Ayatollah Kohmeini, arming the Islamic Republic of Iran, retreating from Lebanon, raising taxes every year, record deficits, policy by movie plot … those were the golden days for conservatives.

nounverb911 February 11, 2011 at 7:00 pm

Were there any second amendment toys?

Fare la Volpe February 11, 2011 at 7:27 pm

Semi-automatic toys

JoshuaNorton February 11, 2011 at 7:06 pm

Only thing missing are t-shirts saying "Who Farted?".

PsycWench February 11, 2011 at 8:15 pm

and "I'm with Stupid" along with an arrow.

Lascauxcaveman February 11, 2011 at 9:49 pm

Several, pointing in multiple directions, including up.

outragedcitizen February 13, 2011 at 10:41 am

Considering the amount and type of food served there I would guess just about everyone farted. Particularly, the old lady with the pile of pretzels.

SorosBot February 11, 2011 at 7:09 pm

And this is another woman many wingnuts claim is incredibly hot. Low, low standards in the GOP.

Lascauxcaveman February 11, 2011 at 8:23 pm

I think the formula is:

Long, wavy hair + Lotta Makeup + Not obese + Shrill = Hot.

sharkband February 12, 2011 at 6:24 am

I don't understand what the wingnuts find hot about the shrieking harpy. She is totally icky.

Bluestatelibel February 11, 2011 at 7:13 pm

Gah! Those pictures hurt my poor eyes! Off to Rand Paul's back-alley opthamology practice to get 'em fixed.

jim89048 February 11, 2011 at 7:15 pm

While it's true that fewer people have choked on soft pretzels, it's still possible, isn't it? I mean if we forced enough of them into one's mouth.

Texan_Bulldog February 11, 2011 at 7:23 pm

Boy, time and gravity haven't been kind to George Allen while he's been in macacca exile. All the bitterness, tears and "if only" thoughts for letting himself get taped calling someone 'macacca' has ruined the chiseled good looks….lord only knows what he looks like below the neck.

Jukesgrrl February 11, 2011 at 7:56 pm

Imagine how much he envies Chris Lee.

mavenmaven February 11, 2011 at 7:24 pm

wow, buffy the vampire killer didn't age well, did she? (yes, I know, I know)

SorosBot February 11, 2011 at 7:52 pm

Sadly the real SMG herself hasn't looked too good ever since she contracted shrinking actress syndrome; it's hard to believe seeing her now that she once had really nice breasts.

Fare la Volpe February 11, 2011 at 7:25 pm

This shit is bananas, C-P-A-C-A-C-A.

PsycWench February 11, 2011 at 8:16 pm

next track: If I Was A Bitch Girl

PalinPussyPower February 11, 2011 at 7:31 pm

Oh, Pam Geller. Pam, Pam, Pam.

Brows a few millimeters too high? Check.
Skin around the nose too taut? Check.
Crooked lipline and overfilled lips? Check.
Perpetually surprised expression? Check.
Immobilized forehead? Check.
Uneven Restylane/filler distribution? Check.
Bridge of nose too narrow? Check.

She is the What Not To Do posterchild for cosmetic surgery. Her entire face is in the DON'T chapter of the textbook, subtitled "How To Make a 50-Something Woman Look Like a 70-Something With Botched Cosmetic Surgery".

Jukesgrrl February 11, 2011 at 7:54 pm

She has to do something with all that money she's piling up by not paying taxes. Freedum!!!

transfatz February 12, 2011 at 1:17 am

Never trust a cosmetic surgeon who uses "Mrs Potato Head" to show you what you will look like after the surgery .

PsycWench February 11, 2011 at 7:33 pm

It reminded me vividly of a certain scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rI6-JzxV-_M

bumfug February 11, 2011 at 8:13 pm

Yeah, except when I look at her, my head is the one that explodes.

genxr February 11, 2011 at 8:20 pm

That's exactly what the wingtards want. They're going to act crazier and crazier until "all dem librul heads go all sploded an they has kittens" then they laugh and laugh and laugh.

EdFlintstone February 11, 2011 at 7:37 pm

Was Pam Geller casting a spell to make the muslims disappear?

EdFlintstone February 11, 2011 at 7:45 pm

The makeup is really understated, if you were a clown.

donner_froh February 11, 2011 at 7:49 pm

Pam Geller looks like an anorexic Skeletor.

jim89048 February 11, 2011 at 8:22 pm

I thought it was Ann Coulter at first, too.

DaRooster February 12, 2011 at 10:51 am

"Heeeere's Pammie"

Steverino247 February 11, 2011 at 7:50 pm

The dickhead who "wrote" the semi-racist Cat in the Hat ripoff should spend a few months in North Korea hoping a Democratic statesman can spring him soon so he knows what the little red star can do to you if improperly applied.

Beattitudes February 12, 2011 at 11:37 am

Semi racist? Really?
So im guessing the addition of a coconut tree in the background or a picture of a slice of watermelon would have made it full racist?

Scuse me while i vomit

Jukesgrrl February 11, 2011 at 7:52 pm

American Conservatives: "Celebrating the destruction of the English language with bumper stickers."

JustPixelz February 12, 2011 at 8:58 am

"Don't Blame Me … I Read"

Jukesgrrl February 11, 2011 at 7:57 pm

Seriously, there must still be a copyright on Dr. Seuss books. Can't they do something about this?

PsycWench February 11, 2011 at 8:18 pm

There was a spoof of Bob Dylanesque readings of Seuss books online, which disappeared supposedly b/c of the Seuss estate's objections. So you'd think so. Maybe they'll follow the example of Heart, who were very upset with "Barracuda" being played when Sarah Palin made appearances.

Jukesgrrl February 12, 2011 at 3:32 am

Jackson Browne also go an apology and "an undisclosed amount of money" from the Republican Party when he pressed a legal objection to their misappropriation of Runnin' on Empty. I think they turned it into support for "drill, baby, drill." Despicable.

BerkeleyBear February 11, 2011 at 9:05 pm

They put "parody" on the cover in the hopes it would be deemed fair use by a blithering idiot of a judge. I'm guessing the art work was ripped off blatently except around the face, so there'd probably be a pretty good copyright challenge by the Lessig estate.

Libertarians – almost as insanely ignornant of copyright law as real hippies.

GeorgiaPeachy February 12, 2011 at 10:50 am

Unfortunately, bad horrible parody is still parody. Right-wing humor is like Christian rock; they want so desperately to be hip, but …

fuflans February 11, 2011 at 8:42 pm

i actually don't know who pam geller is.

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] February 11, 2011 at 10:50 pm

Oh, how I envy you.

My advice: make no attempt to find out.

JustPixelz February 12, 2011 at 9:01 am

Me neither and thanks for the advice. I need Noogle — a search that acts like something doesn't exist.

4TheTurnstiles February 12, 2011 at 12:20 pm

http://www.loonwatch.com/2009/08/pamela-geller-th

Bitch is confused: it's "green balloons." nothing like an incompetent masochist.

ttommyunger February 11, 2011 at 8:44 pm

Is that crazy bitch brandishing a knife or a razor? I don't know who took that pix of Geller, but I hope got away unscathed. I must admit I haven't seen an uglier more mis-shapen gaggle of misfits since my last family reunion.

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] February 11, 2011 at 10:53 pm

Pam G will cold cut a bitch. Don't say I didn't warn you.

ttommyunger February 12, 2011 at 9:39 am

The tongue alone is as sharp and unforgiving as a razor.

WhatTheHeck February 11, 2011 at 9:17 pm

Sadly, the government is unable to protect some of its citizens from their own stupidity.

metamarcisf February 11, 2011 at 9:53 pm

Hey Pam. Show us your tits.

transfatz February 12, 2011 at 1:21 am

Hey, those aren't nipples, they're Schrader valves!

Lascauxcaveman February 12, 2011 at 1:28 am

I hear Michelle Malkin's are more like Prestas.

HistoriCat February 11, 2011 at 10:30 pm

"See you at CPAC next year! Just kidding, none of you are interested in gouging your eyes out."

Come on Jack, it's not like WE have to be surrounded by an ocean of creepiness and suck. That's your job.

EatsBabyDingos February 11, 2011 at 10:52 pm

That's really Preparation H lip balm for all the Koch-sucking lobbyists

lulzmonger February 11, 2011 at 11:49 pm

Pam Gellar = kraken + overcoat.

Lost_Teabaggers February 12, 2011 at 12:31 am

Yes it's kind of like the in the Oddysey when Ulysses discovers what the Sirens really are….although Pam Gellar has a shrill voice that sounds like a cat being eaten alive VERY slowly by a bear….so the comparison ends there.

kittylittr February 12, 2011 at 1:00 am

Is that a bloody knife Pam Geller is brandishing? Did she just perform a bris on Cheney's Dick?

kittylittr February 12, 2011 at 1:04 am

Also too, the plastic Joe Biden sex toy is the best looking person at CPAC.

JustPixelz February 12, 2011 at 9:07 am

I refudiate your claim.
Exhibit A: Liz Glover
Exhibit B: Liz Glover
Exhibit C: Riley Waggaman

CrankyLttlCamperette February 12, 2011 at 1:37 am

Oh wow, I actually would have braved CPAC for a squishy Joe Biden. It would have made the most awesome present ever for a friend of mine. Who I hope wouldn't use it as a sex toy. Oh, Lord, I hope…

JustPixelz February 12, 2011 at 9:06 am

What use would a CPAC'er have for a Lip Balm/Lubricant modelled after Beck's dick? Oh wait, I just figured it out.

weejee February 12, 2011 at 9:49 am

How come no shots of the hamster wheel like at 5:14 here? Or is that you Jack trying to keep up in the rat race, but alas getting nowhere.

Redhead February 12, 2011 at 10:38 am

"Because if Fair Tax hasn’t been successful all these years"

Or fair, but that's another issue – usually grasped by those about one grade level above that book, so beyond their reach I suppose.

DaRooster February 12, 2011 at 10:41 am

Jowely the Pretzel Queen's old man is saying, "You know I wanted cheese bitch!"

Sarah Palin=…… The REFUDIATOR!
(fuck…)

DarwinianDemon February 12, 2011 at 6:14 pm

What time does this swingin' shin dig end? 3? All these CPAC patrons have to be at the Sizzler for dinner by 4.

zappadoo76 February 12, 2011 at 7:07 pm

Pam Geller is an attractive Jewess, and I am glad she is part of CPAC, regardless of how many face lifts she has undergone.

Negropolis February 13, 2011 at 2:25 am

Refudiate bumper stickers? Really?

Really this is "GOP: Pride in Stupidity/Ignorance". It's really kind of sad. They think that if they take it as a badge of honor, it'll make everyone else laugh with them instead of at them. CPAC FAIL.

Negropolis February 13, 2011 at 2:29 am

We gave her a list of seven religions and asked her to rank them from the one she would most like to see have a community center somewhat close to Ground Zero to the least.

Just plain awesome.

BTW, the hippie Democrat and liberal conventions are so much more fun. I'll take a Peruvian flute bands and/or barefoot drum circles over a stick of fascist lip balm any old day of the week. Oh, and the ethnic food tents, also.

Allmighty_Manos February 14, 2011 at 9:04 am

That Pam Geller shot looks suspiciously like the cover of Ozzy Osbourne's second solo album.

Billmatic February 14, 2011 at 10:59 am

Seriously why are people so adverse to stuff like hummus? It's delicious and good for you!

Is it because terrorists eat it in their caves?

Fare la Volpe February 11, 2011 at 7:59 pm

Ugh, she was like my librarian trying to be "street."

I bet they bought Vanilla Ice albums for reference.

HistoriCat February 11, 2011 at 10:25 pm

Vanilla Ice is so much more street than these sad people.

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