trinkets of the death of american civilization

A Children’s Treasury of CPAC Stupidity: the Final Chapter

Tables hate black people.
Today was probably our last day at CPAC, an awful concentration camp of concentrated awfulness. But every winding Ron Paul book-signing line has to end somewhere, and we’re sure these folks are glad to be rid of us too. So here’s the last account of this crap, starring George Allen, Pam Geller, and a Joe Biden sex toy.

Refudiate cliches.
Here is what was in those bags on the table: A squishy Joe Biden. Why does this exist? Must be some sort of hate-masturbation sex toy, one that’s easy on old orifices.

The macaca gaze.
We asked George Allen which he preferred: democracy or Israel. “Both,” he said. But if you could have just one? “Both.”

Cruella DeMosk
Here’s Pam Geller in the middle of a GZ Mosk tirade. We gave her a list of seven religions and asked her to rank them from the one she would most like to see have a community center somewhat close to Ground Zero to the least. She refused, so the terrorists lost.

What a delicious woman.
The Mosk panel had a spread of nachos, soft pretzels, soda, and candy bars, because it would be indecent to let a vegetable hummus platter get near family members of 9/11 victims. Here’s the optimal eating strategy: a tower of pretzels in a river of cheese, a tower knocked down by a Muslim-hater EATING IT ALIVE.

Pass it around, give each other herpes.
Because if Fair Tax hasn’t been successful all these years, a tube of lip balm will certainly turn things around.

We were handed this book. We suspect it is aimed perfectly at the reading level of most of these attendees.

See you at CPAC next year! Just kidding, none of you are interested in gouging your eyes out.

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
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  1. Graham Cracker

    Was that Cheney next to the lady with the pretzels? If you were that close to him Jack, could you feel the temperature drop?

    1. Lost_Teabaggers

      Nahh…I think it's if any Republican manages to survive until a certain age eventually they also just morph into Dick Cheney…male and female alike (see: Lynn Cheney).

    1. Cicada

      It's actually the lube for the Biden butt plug. Someone needs to tell them to put a flared base on that thing before the ER is full of CPAC attendees.

    2. Lost_Teabaggers

      Knowing this generations wingnuts….it's applied there, but the cap is never taken off. Well at least that little tool will give the local rentboys a rest for tonight….yes, many a homophobe can rest assured knowing they won't be outed….YET.

  2. Pragmatist2

    "I Can Read It All by Myself!"
    Fat chance. First you'd have to figure out where it is they sell reading material that doesn't feature biker chicks.

  3. Snarke_Diem

    Tried to add a comment 5 minutes ago, but have just thawed after locking eyes with Pretzel Woman and being frozen inert until now . . .

  4. JoshuaNorton

    By now I'm sure you realize that there's always 2 reasons a republican does something:

    A "good" reason and
    The real reason.

  5. SorosBot

    From several of the crowd shots Wonkette has shown, it looks like Jack, Riley and Liz were just about the only people at CPAC under 60.

  6. Crank_Tango

    reading level? who are you kidding, teatards can't comprehend rhyme.
    it's one of the many reasons there are no teabagging rappers, no homo.

          1. SorosBot

            I was shocked to actually see intelligent comments on YouTube; based on the timestamps I figure they're all from Wonketters.

        1. Crank_Tango

          yeah i am pretty racist against white people too, and I am so white I am kinda purple sometimes, and in some places.

          1. Fare la Volpe

            Ugh, she was like my librarian trying to be "street."

            I bet they bought Vanilla Ice albums for reference.

        2. Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

          Mega dittos. Do you know how to sign up as a race traitor? Will I have swear fealty to the NAACP in person at one of their official "Kill Whitey" potlatch dinners, or will a promise that any daughters I might have will only be allowed to date scary black men be sufficient?

  7. snoopyfan2010

    As Olberman once said, "It's that last claw of control, desperately clinging to power." or something like that.

  8. chascates

    I don't know what is worse. That there is such a large percentage of people that have this rock-stupid mindset or that all GOP Presidential hopefuls must kowtow to them.

    The only saving grace may be that to be a 'true believer' one must adhere to all the blarney. You must be for Intelligent Design, you must deny climate change, you must be against any form of progressive taxation, etc. There's got to be some doubt in most of these peoples' minds, no matter how deeply buried.

  9. PocketsTheClown

    I'm going to miss these heady days. We'll always have the bedbugs I suppose. Au revoir, Morans!

    1. Bluestatelibel

      The Dr. Seuss Obama-cat is sort of a melding of cartoonish depictions of the Irish back in the day and racist cartoonish depictions of American Africans. The teabaggers never cease to amaze me with how low they can sink.

      1. sweetcommunist

        It also, confusingly, has some similarities to old racist caricatures of East Asians: enormous buckteeth, squinting eyes, &c. Maybe because of the communist China connection, even though the hat being sported by Obamacat is clearly a Russian ushanka?

  10. edgydrifter

    I fully expect to see one of those "Refudiate" bumper stickers next to one that says "Speak English or Die" on my neighbor's pickup. Greed, Hostility, Self-Righteousness, Willful Ignorance and Hypocrisy must be the Five Pillars of American Conservatism.

    1. JustPixelz

      Don't give the TP'er any ideas — they'd love to move America back to the 1950s or 1850s. But their wettest dream is to have Reagan in charge again. oh … oh … OMFG … sending gifts to Ayatollah Kohmeini, arming the Islamic Republic of Iran, retreating from Lebanon, raising taxes every year, record deficits, policy by movie plot … those were the golden days for conservatives.

  11. Bluestatelibel

    Gah! Those pictures hurt my poor eyes! Off to Rand Paul's back-alley opthamology practice to get 'em fixed.

  12. jim89048

    While it's true that fewer people have choked on soft pretzels, it's still possible, isn't it? I mean if we forced enough of them into one's mouth.

  13. Texan_Bulldog

    Boy, time and gravity haven't been kind to George Allen while he's been in macacca exile. All the bitterness, tears and "if only" thoughts for letting himself get taped calling someone 'macacca' has ruined the chiseled good looks….lord only knows what he looks like below the neck.

    1. SorosBot

      Sadly the real SMG herself hasn't looked too good ever since she contracted shrinking actress syndrome; it's hard to believe seeing her now that she once had really nice breasts.

  14. PalinPussyPower

    Oh, Pam Geller. Pam, Pam, Pam.

    Brows a few millimeters too high? Check.
    Skin around the nose too taut? Check.
    Crooked lipline and overfilled lips? Check.
    Perpetually surprised expression? Check.
    Immobilized forehead? Check.
    Uneven Restylane/filler distribution? Check.
    Bridge of nose too narrow? Check.

    She is the What Not To Do posterchild for cosmetic surgery. Her entire face is in the DON'T chapter of the textbook, subtitled "How To Make a 50-Something Woman Look Like a 70-Something With Botched Cosmetic Surgery".

    1. transfatz

      Never trust a cosmetic surgeon who uses "Mrs Potato Head" to show you what you will look like after the surgery .

      1. genxr

        That's exactly what the wingtards want. They're going to act crazier and crazier until "all dem librul heads go all sploded an they has kittens" then they laugh and laugh and laugh.

  15. Steverino247

    The dickhead who "wrote" the semi-racist Cat in the Hat ripoff should spend a few months in North Korea hoping a Democratic statesman can spring him soon so he knows what the little red star can do to you if improperly applied.

    1. Beattitudes

      Semi racist? Really?
      So im guessing the addition of a coconut tree in the background or a picture of a slice of watermelon would have made it full racist?

      Scuse me while i vomit

    1. PsycWench

      There was a spoof of Bob Dylanesque readings of Seuss books online, which disappeared supposedly b/c of the Seuss estate's objections. So you'd think so. Maybe they'll follow the example of Heart, who were very upset with "Barracuda" being played when Sarah Palin made appearances.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Jackson Browne also go an apology and "an undisclosed amount of money" from the Republican Party when he pressed a legal objection to their misappropriation of Runnin' on Empty. I think they turned it into support for "drill, baby, drill." Despicable.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      They put "parody" on the cover in the hopes it would be deemed fair use by a blithering idiot of a judge. I'm guessing the art work was ripped off blatently except around the face, so there'd probably be a pretty good copyright challenge by the Lessig estate.

      Libertarians – almost as insanely ignornant of copyright law as real hippies.

    3. GeorgiaPeachy

      Unfortunately, bad horrible parody is still parody. Right-wing humor is like Christian rock; they want so desperately to be hip, but …

  16. ttommyunger

    Is that crazy bitch brandishing a knife or a razor? I don't know who took that pix of Geller, but I hope got away unscathed. I must admit I haven't seen an uglier more mis-shapen gaggle of misfits since my last family reunion.

  17. HistoriCat

    "See you at CPAC next year! Just kidding, none of you are interested in gouging your eyes out."

    Come on Jack, it's not like WE have to be surrounded by an ocean of creepiness and suck. That's your job.

  18. Lost_Teabaggers

    Yes it's kind of like the in the Oddysey when Ulysses discovers what the Sirens really are….although Pam Gellar has a shrill voice that sounds like a cat being eaten alive VERY slowly by a bear….so the comparison ends there.

  19. CrankyLttlCamperette

    Oh wow, I actually would have braved CPAC for a squishy Joe Biden. It would have made the most awesome present ever for a friend of mine. Who I hope wouldn't use it as a sex toy. Oh, Lord, I hope…

  20. Redhead

    "Because if Fair Tax hasn’t been successful all these years"

    Or fair, but that's another issue – usually grasped by those about one grade level above that book, so beyond their reach I suppose.

  21. DaRooster

    Jowely the Pretzel Queen's old man is saying, "You know I wanted cheese bitch!"

    Sarah Palin=…… The REFUDIATOR!

  22. DarwinianDemon

    What time does this swingin' shin dig end? 3? All these CPAC patrons have to be at the Sizzler for dinner by 4.

  23. zappadoo76

    Pam Geller is an attractive Jewess, and I am glad she is part of CPAC, regardless of how many face lifts she has undergone.

  24. Negropolis

    Refudiate bumper stickers? Really?

    Really this is "GOP: Pride in Stupidity/Ignorance". It's really kind of sad. They think that if they take it as a badge of honor, it'll make everyone else laugh with them instead of at them. CPAC FAIL.

  25. Negropolis

    We gave her a list of seven religions and asked her to rank them from the one she would most like to see have a community center somewhat close to Ground Zero to the least.

    Just plain awesome.

    BTW, the hippie Democrat and liberal conventions are so much more fun. I'll take a Peruvian flute bands and/or barefoot drum circles over a stick of fascist lip balm any old day of the week. Oh, and the ethnic food tents, also.

  26. Billmatic

    Seriously why are people so adverse to stuff like hummus? It's delicious and good for you!

    Is it because terrorists eat it in their caves?

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