St. Valentine’s Day — the Christian holiday for masturbating alone in your room while you cry — is fast approaching! But who knows, maybe you will meet your soul mate/a naked person on ChatRoulette tonight? Maybe! Either way, you should send one of these electronic RNC Valentine’s Day cards to someone that you hate with all your heart. Because that’s just what Reince Priebus wants you to do, for some reason.
The ladies love it. [GOP Valentine]
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Riley is sharing too much of himself with us: "the Christian holiday for masturbating alone in your room while you cry "
"the Christian holiday for masterbating alone in your room while you cry and eat the chocolates you bought for yourself at the drugstore on the way home from work"
There, fixed.
All washed down with bottles of Zima left over from parties long ago that no came to.
Double fixed!
*sob*
…while holding the threadbare red swimsuit you've held for this purpose since seventh grade.
TRIPLE fixed!
*hacking cough*
Do they still make Zima? If not, drop an Alka-Seltzer Cold tablet into vodka. It's pretty close!
I like to celebrate this joyous Xtian holiday by doing a couple rails off a stripper's ass. All it takes is money. It's the American way.
OT, and kinda personal, but is your new avatar your Great Dane?
Georgia Bulldog-pit cross.
Oh, duh, that explains the ears. Nice looking dog, in any case.
That's what Jesus would have done.
I knew Christians, sir, and Riley Waggaman is NO CHRISTIAN.
Sounds like my plans, except adding in a bottle of cheap vodka.
He spends all day swanning the beautiful Liz Glover around the CPAC carnival and he's looking for our sympathy over his love-starved condition????
Maybe Liz threw him over for Breitbart – did you see the look he was giving her in those photos?
"Zactly so. Riley, you better wash yer hair real well tonight. Looking closer at those CPAC photos looks like Randy Andy Brightfart may have drooled on yer head while the conservtarded smarmy lech was lusting after our beloved Ms. Glover.
Someone needs to remind Riley that there's always Breitbart.
Forget it Riley. It's Breitbart. (Always go for the Chinatown reference in an emergency. Or "Also.")
Also.
ABSTAIN SINNERS HELL AWAITZ
Riley loves chooching.
If you're crying while you masturbate, you could be doing it wrong. Cast aside the sandpaper and buy some lube fer crying out loud.
My dad told me the sandpaper keeps the hair from sprouting on my palm. Or my palmetto. Or my palmetto bug. I forget which.
The Constitution's e-card should read, "I'm sick of Republicans using me as a masturbation sleeve. Happy Valentine's Day, Democrats!"
Reince Priebus is latin for Prolapsed Rectum, also.
I don't know why but I keep misreading his name as Rebus Prince, but maybe that's just because I've been
the weather
feeling.
I still prefer the amateur lapsed rectum. The the rectum is just playing for the pleasure of the game.
Rectum? Damn near killed him!
He does have an atypically wide-stance. So, you might be on to something.
But at least a Priebus-led GOP will be a chance from the Steele Era, in at least one regard: the bondage-palaces the staff frequents will be homosexual, still, but male.
That's change the GOP can believe in!
So now Feb 14th becomes "Fuck You" day?
Self-love Day, alternately. I love myself enough to wear bicycle pants under my slacks for when I piss my pants later after passing out on the pile of shoes in my closet. Oh god just kill me.
No kidding! Those cards were so mean-spirited and ugly they'd be almost a guarantee of spending the "holiday" by yourself, in the fetal position on your chenille bedspread, rocking and sobbing after your SO bitched you out for being so thoughtless.
Not that that would ever have happened to me.
Certainly should be, and I speak from the lofty vantage point of the rug-pulled-out-from-under-the-tenure-application-process-experience.
21 years ago Monday, but, hey, who's counting?
Becomes?
I thought all the soul-mates were in Argentina, except a couple on the Appalachian Trail.
But, but, what is really important is what are everybody's plans for Valentines Day Eve???
[Up]fisting myself. Why do you ask?
Went to the site. Where was the Palin
doggy-styledog sled card?It's currently being designed by her new girlfriend, Sophie B. Hawkins.
I too went to the site to view the "Republican humor". Now for some reason I can't think of one damn thing that's even vaguely funny…sorry.
Hey, Weej, please tell me how to get the friggin' strikethrough to work. I've tried "s" between the left/right nipples, and the whole word as well as just strike (um, I think), and nothing works, see?
<s>fucking</s>
pain<strikethrough>in the ass</strikethrough>
Help the owl out, would ya?
"St. Valentine’s Day — the Christian holiday for masturbating alone in your room while you cry"
Oh for fuck's sake – isn't that Palm Tuesday? I thought that was Palm Tuesday.
I've always thought that St. Valentine's Day was the Christian holiday for gunning down your rivals with a Thompson machine gun in a Chicago garage. Go figure, I've been doing it wrong all these years.
I thought that was Palm Tuesday.
Palm Two-fer Tuesday? That one's more about gentle cupping that lacrimonious stroking, I think…
the Christian holiday for masturbating alone in your room while you cry
Better than going home with Andy Breitbart, Riley. Way to be strong!
~
Riley learned his lesson well: ride the bull, get the horn; or was it fool me once, shame on you, fool me twi–won't get fooled again? Now when he smells Drakar Noir, the night tremors visit him on even the sunniest of days.
That site & the RNC are so funny that I forgot to laugh.
This is almost as annoying as their fake-assed census they sent out to get donations.
wow, conservative comedy is just as much a failure as conservative governance, and conservative everything else.
I've clicked on a couple of their cards, and just don't get how this is supposed to be funny. The Biden one, for instance, is something he said that was really cool, so why draw attention to that? I thought these were supposed to mock the Dems, not laud them.
I clicked the Donate button thinking it would be some hilarious GOP funny about bankrolling the Dems Healthcare plan.
But it was asking for money for the GOP.
So I typed "I am masturbating into a cup and sending it to page boys" in the Other field, and signed it as "Mark Foley" and the fucking thing got rejected.
"Other: Please enter a donation of at least $5.00."
WTF? Is this a joke? I don't get it.
One of the Biden cards (2nd row, first column) says "Happy Thanksgiving". I totally don't get that one.
Yeah, that's one of the many total "What the fuck"s. The Pelosi one, Obama saying "Eat some Valentine's Candy", Kucinich saying "Valentine's alone is the PITS" (they do remember his hot wife, don't they?), none of these make any sense.
The few where I can see a discernible attempt at a joke are all factually wrong, or make the Dems look good or the GOP look bad (like one complaining about the deficit, created by Bush and the Republican controlled congress).
You're firm grasp of logic and rational thinking have failed you: this lot invent their own reality, duh! In their world, FLOTUS is called "Candy", so Obama beseeching you to 'eat some Candy' is a boneheaded stab at raunchy humour.
As for Kucinich? Valentine's Day, as many other day's of the week/month/year, is all about 'despoiling milady's ginger-wreath’d maidenhead,' to loosely quote the great Benincasa
Ha, sorry, I thought the "Happy Thanksgiving" one was kinda funny. You know, sweet Uncle Joe, forgetting what day it was and all. It would of been funnier if it was Reagan though.
Fair enough; but can that be what the GOP intended? It seems too cerebral and droll to have been a Republican joke. Their jokes tend to be more of the "derp derp NOBAMA" variety.
WTF GOP?
I totally love the Biden one. (Flattering picture, too.)
I'm confused!
I was thinking the same thing. It looks like one of the cards my liberal aunt would send one of her friends.
None of them makes any sense, wait…
For this was on seynt Volantynys day
Whan euery bryd comyth there to chese his make.
So Chaucer captured the spirit of CPAC about six and a quarter centuries ahead of time: Everyone was there to either make cheese or choose a mate. But as a guy who's often compared with Cupid ("God but you're a big baby!"), I resent that Prince Piebus is trying to ruin my holiest of holies with his missiles of witless mean-spiritedness (so there)!
And smale foweles maken melodye,
That slepen al the nyght with open ye
(so priketh hem nature in hir corages);
Thanne longen folk to goon on pilgrimages.
Blah, blah, fools, blah, prick, blah, blah, goon, blah… yup, must be the RNC.
Well if one of those won't get you laid, you might as well just give up and whack it.
If we send the Constitution card to a republican, will they finally read it for the first time?
Tears make lousy lube. Save the crying for those magical post-autocoital moments when you wonder if your dead grandmother's ghost was watching you.
Don't underestimate the restorative properties of the tears from Iraqi orphans. They've sustained Dick Cheney for the last decade.
Miss Dubya?
Just wait until the next GOP asshole gets in!
just wait until the next GOPer gets in your asshole!
FIXED
When I read Miss Dubya, I thought "Barbara or Jenna?"
I wonder if Andy Breitfart has sent Riley his card yet…
I imagine the secret service will be quite busy after these emails are sent.
They need to have one with some of that witty text where you insert your own shirtless photo, then drop it into a Craigslist ad.
Once you go pagan you never go back.
cause nothing says romance like roomful of tim pawlenty, assorted pauls, a bunch of baggers and donald trump.
Yet another St. Valentine's Day mass e-card orchestrated by the RNC.
Needs moar shirtless Biden!
So what's so wrong with masturbating alone in your room all of a sudden?
Isn't that where you're supposed to do it? Aside from mom and dad's bathroom, I mean.
"Only 36,000 hearts were broken today"
OK, I don't get it. Is it the 36,000 jobs that were created last month? That would be 36,000 happy hearts. Is it 36,000 Repubicans on republicanpassions[dot]com* who didn't get a wink? Maybe 36,000 hookers Todd Palin didn't fuck (yet)?
_____________________
* real site; includes M seeking M which may be where the hearts are getting broken
Only 36000 jobs being offshored today.
The ladies would only love it, if it was coated in chocolate and/or diamonds.
Being republican means never having to say you're sorry.
Nope, I think it's back, but very hard to find. This is the best Google could do for me:
http://www.zima.com http://www.shoprite.com/pd/Zima/Beer-Citrus/6-ct/...
From Wikipedia:
"On October 20, 2008, MillerCoors LLC announced that it had discontinued production of Zima, choosing instead to focus on other "malternative" beverages."
I think what's important here is the word MALTERNATIVE. It's my new favorite word.
Also, according to Wiki, "Its domestic production ceased in October 2008, but it is still produced and marketed in Japan." Because of course it is.
Malternative? There is some marketing douchebag with MillerCoors who is totally still smirking at the idea that he came up with this.
Maybe the worst one is the Rent-is-too-damn-high guy complaining about postal rates. Do the Repubes think mail will be cheaper when it's privatized?
the rent-boy-is-too-high who? breitbart?
Pretty sure there isn't anything you can buy for 44cents except a stamp. You can't even send a GOP e-card for less than $5 donation. I guess he meant "The Donation is Too Damned High". Though we need to remember Freedom™, like lesbian bondage clubs, ain't free.
"Only 36,000 hearts were broken today, which is really good."
How low would that number be if these people had access to affordable health insurance that didn't exclude them for the pre-existing condition of being born?
It's no wonder these clowns have to pay rentboys or troll craigslist to get laid. They pooled all their collective brainpower and that's as funny as it gets?
Worse. They hire people – pay them – to write their material.
Oh, GOP. Always having your heart broken by Harry Reid. Have you perhaps tried following him into the men's room and playing a little soft shoe? You never know!
St. Valentine's Day: because Dick Cheney needs a heart.
No Congresswoman Giffords ones?
SHOT THRU THE HEAD AND YOU'RE TO BLAME YOU GIVE CONSTITUENT SERVICES A BAD NAME
& considering Jon Bon Jovi is a Democrat, it would be appropriate, in that respect. Not in any other respect, but as a quote, from a Dem, yes.
I know where I'm going..nothing says "give up the skins" like Dennis Kucinich!!
"Best Wishes,
Because Being a Republican Means Never Having to Say You're Sorry."
———————————————–
"Happy Valentine's Day! Does This Shirtless/Pantsless Craigslist Photo Make My Ass Look Big?"
———————————————–
"Happy Valetine's Day! Because It Depends on What the Definition of Rape Is."
———————————————–
"Happy Valentin's Day! Choose Wife (Not Mistress/Rentboy)."
———————————————–
"Happy Valentine's Day; You're Fit, Fun, and Classy/Gassy/Assy."
The best one is a Napolitano dick grabbing joke, but isn't the director of homegrown pornography protecting us from the terrists? Is it unamerican or american, make you your freaking minds repubs.
I can't believe there are no Rahm Emanuel cards. I like to imagine him gently choking me with his four-fingered hand. Happy Valentine's Day!
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