banquets and such

Jim DeMint Also May Run For President of Losing To Obama

U.S. Sen. Jim DeMint’s keynote speech next month to an Iowa forum for Republican presidential candidates has fueled hopes among some evangelicals and conservative activists that the South Carolinian will launch a White House run.

DeMint, overwhelmingly elected to his second Senate term in November, will deliver the evening banquet address to a dozen GOP presidential hopefuls — and hundreds of party stalwarts — March 26 at a Des Moines hotel, scarcely 10 months before Iowa’s leadoff presidential House caucuses.

Scarcely! Looks like this presidential election will be another Jim DeMint-Alvin Greene showdown. That’s a lot like the relationship between Abraham Lincoln and Stephen Douglas. So expect Greene to win this time. [The State]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. ifthethunderdontgetya

    …has fueled hopes among some evangelicals and conservative activists that the South Carolinian will launch a White House run.

    Not to mention, certain Wonkette common taters, who look forward to the entertainment. Our politicians will never do anything good for us, so at least they should make us laugh.

    1. Come here a minute

      As I remind everyone who picks their favorite Republican presidential candidate for the larfs:

      G-E-O-R-G-E W B-U-S-H

    1. HistoriCat

      I would just like to announce that I will NOT be seeking the 2012 Republican nomination for President of the United States.

      Unless the people really, really beg me.

      Or I can get some sweet monies out of it.

    1. Pithaughn

      Esplains the GOP obsession with Reaganomics. 30 years and still, the trickle is just rancid , stale urine in our mouths.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Oh no. He'll come to Iowa and be speechafying in front of a sea of elderly Iowa GOP voters, get comfortable in his surroundings and break out a full blown N*GGER, when referring to the President.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        So the President has been known to break into the kitchen & make his own Yule nog, in violation of the First Lady's dictum against fatty foods. No reason to deride him as a Nogger.


  2. Lascauxcaveman

    Whoaa! This is the guy who beat Alvin Greene? He's that good?

    Better keep one eye on the rearview mirror, Obama.

    1. Crank_Tango

      Not just beat, but overwhelmingly whipped a black guy in south carolina, so there are his bona fides right there.

    2. Negropolis

      And, since all black people are the same, he'll run over Obama just the same!

      Poor fool, this DeMint is.

  3. SorosBot

    Aren't there already enough insane, authoritarian fundamentalists who are so far right they make Mussolini look moderate running for the GOP nomination? The crazy vote could get split and allow someone reasonable to get the nomination, but then most of the sane Republicans have abandoned the party; look at how all the semi-reasonable candidates are pretending to be crazy. Both of them.

      1. Iam_Who_Iam

        And he'll carry Texas, Idaho, Kentucky, Tennessee, North Dakota, Montana, Utah… oh shit. So, um, there's sane folks in Ohio and Pennsylvania, right?

    1. Negropolis

      You forgot Mississippi. Don't ever forget Mississippi. You know, the shittiest of shitholes; you know "We're #50!"

      1. horsedreamer_1

        So are Shamrock Shakes. Which, by the way, should be returning to menus at the Golden Arches, shortly.

  4. alfred light

    Yes! More crazy! Good GOP, keep it up! While you're at it, get Tancredo to run again! Hey Gary Bauer, get your sweet cheeks back here! Where's Alan Keyes when you need him? Can't he carpetbag his way back into our collective hearts and minds?

  5. Redhead

    First the list yesterday of the CPAC poll, now this. Is there a single legit candidate? I mean this is all a joke, right?

    It's getting harder and harder to tell the Onion stories and the Wonkette commentary from legit, serious news stories.

    1. GOPCrusher

      They started broadcasting the Onion News Network on IFC. Can't tell the difference between that and any other cable news network.

      1. Redhead

        I don't get IFC! :( I haz a sad now. Course, I do get pretty much every other news network, so I guess I'm not missing much…

      2. Graham Cracker

        Onion News is the one where you think the news items are real, Faux New is the one where you are pretty sure everything is a joke.

      3. jim89048

        I thought that was rather magnanimous of Rachel to record that little congratulatory clip for Brooke Alvarez.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Pres. De Mint will beget Sen. Nikki Haley. So, I think he'll be cool. She's one of the Good Ones.

  6. JustPixelz

    His Frenchy name starts with "Dem" which is a big strike against him with Repubicans. Comes from a state named after a girl. And being born in the 20th century makes him pretty left-wing by TP standards.

    On the other hand, skin color is OK. And he's got the Jim-Mint'um.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        So, so pretty and poignant. Love her voice. One of the very few things on YouTube I have ever bookmarked.

        I'm not a county music fan, but there are exceptions.

        1. jim89048

          First time I heard it was on the soundtrack for the final episode of Northern Exposure. Been a fan ever since.

  7. hagajim

    DeMint, Palin & Bachmann – sounds like the GOP is really starting to line up its collective dream team to take on Barry. And by Dream Team I mean the wet dreams of Wonkette comedy writers everywhere.

    1. HedonismBot

      Sadly, I wouldn't be so sure. A few months out from the 2010 midterms (before the lamestream media started their constant drumbeat of "GOPsweepinNovemberGOPsweep in NovemberGOPsweepinNovember,") I thought the influx of weirdo loser teabagger candidates would be a godsend for Democrats. Turns out, not so much.
      Voters really are that stupid.

  8. DaSandman

    Yes indeed, let them run that racist Herman Munster looking fuck, he's make a great vice president for the Witch of Wasilla.

  9. Snarke_Diem

    His surname is so inaccurate – always looks like he's badly flatulent. Certainly not minty fresh . . .

  10. ttommyunger

    DeMint has the look, demeanor and charisma of your local small-town undertaker. He is a humorless fuck whose smile, like Rumsfeld's, is simply a baring of the teeth and is every bit as warm as a "fuck you very much, chump!"

  11. transfatz

    I made a list of Republican presidential candidates but I ran out of paper. And I started with a new roll!

  12. Schmegeg

    God I wish I knew how to invent a Fantasy League for the GOP. With a lineup of Santorum, Palin, DeMint, Trump, and the rest, this would be Much Fun.

    1. AddHomonym

      Let's get this going! Here are some ideas for scoring:

      Announces exploratory committee: +1
      Announces impending announcement: +10
      Announces: -3
      Acrimonious speech after losing state primary: +50
      Inappropriate comment: 0 points (inevitable)
      Apologizes "if anyone was offended" by inappropriate comment: +100

      C'mon Internet, make this happen!

  13. cheetojeebus

    isn't it true that jim demint drove a windowless chevy van? and isn't it also true he would slowly follow groups of school children hoping for a straggler?

  14. inedalo

    DeMint will be appointed head of the U.S. Mint when some Repub. beats Obama in
    2012. how can they lose? recall that the Supremes Court decided to let anonymous corporations donate as much dirty cash as they want to politicos who will give them what they need.
    we should just eliminate congress and let the lobbyists write the laws. save money by getting rid of the middleman.

  15. Negropolis

    DeMint, overwhelmingly elected to his second Senate term in November

    Mmm…I wonder how that happened? :rolls eyes:

    Yes, you are the guy, who even if it's never proven that you were instrumental in fielding Alvin Greene to run against you, you are the guy who will be remembered for running against Alvin Greene, nothing more. You ran against a guy who if not mentally retarded, has Aspergers at the very least.


  16. Negropolis

    It's almost like Strom Thurmond never left. His sharper edges were just rounded out, and he was told to chill the fuck out while he inhabits this newish host body.

  17. Troubledog

    I'm sure he prefers his current "kingmaker" role to being beaten up by Obama in 2 years. You should certainly expect DeMint to be a real candidate for 2016. He will have to face whomever Obama picks as his second term VP — so omg pls not Hillary kthx.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Gore & H.W. Bush are anomalies in the Vice-Presidency. The vast majority, while they may harbour Presidential ambition, never get close. Cheney, Liebermann, Quayle, Mondale (!), Agnew, Henry Wallace, et. al., peaked at no. 2.

      I expect no different in 2016, then.

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