Above, your editor tries his hand at using a real revolutionary-era copper dicking pot this kindly Teabagger was carrying around his belt. Unfortunately, this man was the only one who got the memo about it being Halloween, but in case our government finally turns back the clock to whenever this (albeit probably incorrect and anachronistic) costume was in fashion, he’ll be ready. CPAC is great. Really great.
For only $20, you too can count down the days until Barack Obama is no longer black. (What’s the “HOAX” here? The illusion that any of these idiot presidential candidates at CPAC have a chance at beating him?)
The epic struggle of Teabagger v. iPad.
A guy was running as a write-in on the straw poll, we guess. He gave out these hats. Yeah, he’s probably going to win, so.
Well are you, punks? Are you? If you are, shout out, “Pizza pizza!”
There you go. Complain about these being taken on a cell phone some more, you thankless jerks. Sorry it’s not worth framing these and hanging them above the mantle.
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Picture #1, Elton John rubbed the Genie in the brass lamp against his crotch and *poof* he's younger and has more hair again. What were his other two wishes though?
Well, one was a “12-inch pianist”, but I may have misheard.
Well, one of them was reportedly a "12-inch pianist", but I may have misheard.
Where's the gay porn stand?
It stands for FREEDOM, Ser! Oh, wait…
It stands for FREEDOM and it stands WIDE … uh
"Oui, the peephole…"
Classic (& classy) porn.
All of them.
In front of the gay porn kneel [cue cymbal crash].
Men's bathroom, down the hall to the left.
No, a gloryhole is not porn, it's used for actual sex.
In that closet over there. It's getting crowded.
ANYWHERE LINDSEY GRAHAM WANTS IT TO.
Whatever happened to Godfathers Pizza anyway?
Godfather's Pizza, "a pizza you can't refuse" is still in business. Between them and Subway, I don't know how they do it though. Who has time to wait while some kid makes your sub, as if he were diffusing a bomb? I don't have that kind of time on my hands.
Subway actually serves edible food that won't kill you, as opposed to the circles of death at the pizza joints. Plus watching them assemble the sandwich is concurrently a tribute to jobs for the unemployable and an assurance that you're getting minimal rodent droppings in your foot-long.
Quizno's — though I havn't been in four or more years — remains best. Vanilla Coke on tap, at least at the downtown Milwaukee location, c. 2003, & guacamole as a side (at no extra charge).
For current subs: Jimmy John's. It's all about the mayo/come of the homeless. Used not to like it, but after getting back from Romania, the JJ's mayo is the closest to tasting like the condiment they put on my chicken snitzel sandwiches in Upper Moesia.
Germans put mayonnaise on French fries. This alone warrants their doom.
ah, memories… slices of Godfathers' had the quickest-congealing excuse for "mozzarella," and oddly uniformly-shaped sausage morsels for topping, for starters.
To answer your question, I don't know — left that dining experience behind back in TN and haven't seen any around VA, so it must have been primarily deep-south deepdish.
"God-fa-ther's Piiiizza / The pizza you can't refuse!"
W/ the friendly Mafia stereotype mascot!
Where are the furries?
Well Riley's looking pretty damn furry in his picture.
You don't say.
That carpet is making me sick and no, this is not a Christine O’Donnell joke.
Hey, show some respect: that carpet was probably woven in 1985 by Afghan Taliban Mujahedin as a "thank-you" gift to Ronald Reagan for al the Stingers he shipped them.
We have retired the trophy for realpolitik dumb, I think.
That, or it's made out of petroleum in some Salvadoran carpet factory with a non-existent safety program, which, oddly enough also comes full circle back to Reagan.
the carpet is done `a la Greyhound bus fabric, to hide the vomit
I have been to a couple of conventions in that dump and, not only is the carpet nausea-inducing, they keep that "ballroom" at about 38 degrees. Mind you, these people look like they wouldn't notice if they were freezing, as long as it is in defense of freedumbs. You know, like Valley Forge, exactly.
My god, the carpet there is as bad as in a Reno casino. The people, even worse. Thanks for taking one for the team.
i've been meaning to go a'shrooming in the peppermill sometime, also.
"For the we the people "real" defender of the Constitution" is not a sentence, Paultards; for one thing it has no verb. It's also factually wrong, since over and over again Paul has shown he has no idea what the Constitution says.
So, were the quotation marks put on that sign by someone who flunked grammar or are the Paultards being pranked?
What am I saying? Of course, it's the first.
Besides the bad grammar, I love that whoever made it felt the need to change the font size with each line, along with the stupid change to the fancy font for "We the people". It's a graphic design fail as well.
I assumed the lonely little Paul 2012 sign was photobombing the defender of the Constitution sign, unless its placement way down there on the floor at the base of the easel was strategic. Well, "strategic," in the same sense as "real," of course.
Is this a Wonkette version of "Where's Waldo?" I think I won. I saw a black person at CPAC.
Correction: you saw the black person at CPAC.
The blacks at CPAC appear in bumper-sticker or countdown clock form only.
Well some of the reporters covering CPAC are probably black; hopefully they're all carrying a taser or mace on them.
Someone has to serve the drinks, clean the spills, etc.
Just like the Gulf!
Emptying trash cans, no doubt.
…I never thought I would see the day when a CPAC event would be devoid of "Furries"!?
Furries was so yesterday (at least, I think that's what "Debt" was). Today we're doing colonial role-playing – fun!
Cain-Waggaman 2012!
Riley and Jack, please do not get covered in wingnut taint, shower often and take lots of smoke breaks.
None photos of the Marriott mascot – their beloved bedbugs? A cootie furry or something.
It's that giant cockroach hanging from the chandelier.
Or one of these for the kids?
I had no idea there were so many Village People teabaggers.
Will Lady Gaga be the headliner at the banquet? A tip of the hat to transgendered conservtards?
"…transgendered conservtards…"
Hmmm…no, not an oxymoron, palindrome, or other recognizable speech-play, but great nevertheless.
SRSLY, how do y'all not just cold punch everyone? I'd be going through there spinning with my fists out like we used to do when we were kids. That's gotta be some cherry weed.
I do like the "Pants on the Ground" Obama doll. The easter egg is, when the clock strikes zero, the boxers drop, too.
Complete with the message, "Four more years, motherfuckers. Suck it."
I think I figured out what the "hoax" is all about . . .
Oh how the GOP chicks will swoon when that happens.
Memo to Paultards: Quotation marks should "not" be used for emphasis, you "morons."
These are not real conservatives! Where are the guns? The Hoverounds?
Isn't that Riley?
How dare you suggest Riley is anything less than one rough, tough hombre!
~
Oopsie, my bad.
I thought it was kind of funny, really.
And you deleted 5 upfistings to your p-score!
~
which is probably like removing a hundred upfists in our crazy, crazy, mixed-up Wonkette p-score world
I tried one of them CPAC things to try and alleviate my sleep apnia. It felt like I had the Alien Facehugger on me. So I trained myself to sleep on my side. I don't what any of those pictures above have to do with this.
Brokeback Riley?
In two years, Riley will overdose on prescription drugs in Barbara Bush's SoHo loft.
Or get strangled in the Chelsea Hotel. (Too soon?)
The carpet looks like the the indoor-outdoor carpet my parents put on the patio in the back yard in 1972.
Hose-able carpet is essential when hosting groups like this.
Has a very basement-restaurant-at-the-Ripon-Wisconsin-Best-Western feel to it.
& yes, this is a compliment.
In that hat, he could be out riding cowboys.
But, alas, he just can't quit Wonkette.
CPAC = Crazy People Acting, uh, Crazy.
"Complain about these being taken on a cell phone some more, you thankless jerks."
Careful Jack – you're treading very close to Ms. Benincasa's territory.
Oh goody. The illiterate signs are back.
Note the "Real" Defender of the Constitution.
Kind of like astroturf is "real" grass.
He needed to mask that baby-face of his, so alluring to the furries and Breit-types..
I won't complain about the quality of the photos. I'm just glad Riley & Jack are taking the bullet so we don't have to.
What is it with the Wonketteers. Can no one afford a haircut or shave? Hell, ya can't even run a comb through your hair? I'm guessing y'all stick out like a sore thumb at CPAC.
Cotdam hippie freaks.
At least they got out of their pajamas for this.
So true. How many *bloggers* and *comedy writers* have you ever seen out in public? Wonkette deserves a Double-double Bloggie simply for sending our people out into the awful fluorescent hotel-conference light of a "political event" a couple of times per year.
I can't decide if you are sticking up for Jack and Riley or agreeing with superdave.
"Are you being sarcastic, dude?" "I don't even know anymore."
So, why does the Obama bobblehead have Hawaiian shorts on when he's supposed to really be born in Kenya?
…wonder if the gaggle of workers who hand-painted these in a Shenzhen sweatshop were thinking just that too…
"Bone through nose" was considered too obvious.
It looks like somebody found a bunch of remainder A-Rod bobbleheads and spray painted their faces sorta black. And then slapped a $20 price tag on them.
Fools and money, soon parted.
Someone should tell Ron Paul that quotation marks around a word signify irony, not emphasis.
Nah, never mind.
What do "you" "mean" by irony "?"
"Ha!"
FAP FAP FAP. *notices hat* FAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAP.
Easy there, big fella. You don't wanna strain anything.
The fourth picture has a certain unshaven frontiersman Harry Potter thing going on.
I was thinking more of a brokeback HP, what with Breibart being nearby…
When will this slash fan fiction end?
Ironically, that Obama clock makes Obama look like a middle-aged white guy with a Boehner tan.
With all these black Republicans emerging from the nooks & crannies of America's political cupboard, I am getting a Fredo "I'm smart too!" vibe, with Obama as Michael, obviously.
There's a rowboat out there somewhere, with Herman Cain's name on it.
I think the quotes around "real" in that sign screwed up the alt tag, Jack. Great pics!
Today, we are all blurry photos of furry-less freebies. Is it time to start drinking, yet?
Is it ever not time to start drinking?
What do you mean, "yet"?
If only Riley looked stupid or fat (or both) he would fit right in at CPAC with that white cowboy hat.
Relentless stupidity. One of Mitch Hedberg's funniest lines was "The thing that's depressing about tennis is, no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played against a wall once… that guy was fucking relentless!" Thats the problem with the stupid, its fucking relentless. It just keeps hitting the ball back until you get tired or make a mistake.
"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too." – MH
It would take a Hedbergdian level of intoxication to get me in the door of CPAC.
I don't see very many women there – which is a credit to their gender…
Oh yeah, CPAC would have them in the kitchen, I suppose.
Oh, they are there, all right — just listen for the screeching.
The jaunty way the teabagger in the first pic is carrying his flag makes it look like he's wearing a Klan hood. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.
This whole tableau is like being bitch-slapped by Chauncy Gardener.
These photos aren't that bad. But where are the conte' crayon sketches we requested??
Dicking pot? Is that like a colonial-era fleshlight? I think we underestimate the technological prowess of our forebears.
Design fail on the Tic Toc Barak clock! They should have based the design on one of those Kit-Cat Clocks with the moving eyes and swinging tail pendulum. Obviously you'd want to have the Kit-Cat-Barak clock buck his eyes and swing his dick with each passing second. Sales would be brisk.
Not to complain about the cellphone pic quality, but it'd be cool to get Jack an old-style Graflex with the flash on the side, and a fedora with a card saying "Press" jammed in the band. "Hold page one! And don't call me 'Chief'!"
Ignorance should be painful. Then that bedbug infested convention room would be even more of a proper circle of hell than it already is.
Who left the bag of weed next to the "We" "the" "People" "sign" "?"
Herman Cain: Redneck Godsend. The locals here in Gawgia have all apparently gotten the memo that they can safely give lip service to this Cain fellow because he doesn't have a prayer of winning anything bigger than the door prize at the CPAC Convention or anywhere else, for that matter. The upside is that they can simultaneously deny their racist hatred of Barry by so doing, pointing to their faint praise of this Pizza Mogul turned Corporate Token-Black turned Radio Talker. See? It's a win-win for the Baggers! Clever little fuckers, aren't they. Not smart, but clever.
Herman Cain is Alan Keyes 3.0 (2.0 was Michael Steele).
I'm pretty sure each of them know they're being gamed, but what the fuck, right? It's a nice ride and probably beats working a regular job.
I think the only people who buy that routine are the same ones doing it. Everyone else has seen it before.
Those CPACers that buy the countdown clock are going to be really pissed when they find out when the time runs out that the clock was actually counting down to Obama's reelection.
many of them may try to return it at that point, not understanding why it didn't work correctly :)
Fittingly, Riley looks like a "Won't Get Fooled Again"-era Pete Townshend. I hope he clocked Trump with his guitar.
These pictures give me a brain boner.
Isn't today the Alaskunt's Inception Date?
I'm looking forward to the C packers' mural of her face (large enough to scare Russia).
Still don't believe that America would ever elect someone named "Herman", even if he owned a pizza place or whatever.
Screw him, when's the Little Caesar's Pizza Pizza Roman dude going to enter the race?
when's the Little Caesar's Pizza Pizza Roman dude going to enter the race?
Sometime mid-March.
Jack and Riley make a damn fine team/couple I must say.
That teatard in that same colonial outfit really is a one trick pony.
by bag what exactly do you mean???? hmmmmm?
A vote for Herman Cain is a vote for capitalizing the phrase "American Dream" and referring to America, in a creative fusion of the biblical and nautical, as "She" and "Her." http://www.hermancain.com/index.asp
At least the little Obama clock actually resembles him to some extent. This is a step up, as usually they depict him as some Sambo caricature.
Oh, you get an amen. Anyone who likes mayo on anything is defective and demented. Feh.
And, no, I don't hate mayo because I'm Jewish. I was raised about as Jewishly (?) as Jimmy Cagney, except for the neurotic self-of-steam deficiencies. Mayo sucks an sich, the end.
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