letters from iwo jima

A Children’s Treasury of CPAC Crap, Vol. 2

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Back to the future.
Above, your editor tries his hand at using a real revolutionary-era copper dicking pot this kindly Teabagger was carrying around his belt. Unfortunately, this man was the only one who got the memo about it being Halloween, but in case our government finally turns back the clock to whenever this (albeit probably incorrect and anachronistic) costume was in fashion, he’ll be ready. CPAC is great. Really great.

Credit cards accepted, you guys.
For only $20, you too can count down the days until Barack Obama is no longer black. (What’s the “HOAX” here? The illusion that any of these idiot presidential candidates at CPAC have a chance at beating him?)

Spraypaint '2012!' That's so street, RP.
The epic struggle of Teabagger v. iPad.

Out riding fences.
A guy was running as a write-in on the straw poll, we guess. He gave out these hats. Yeah, he’s probably going to win, so.

Look who can raise enough funds for a bumper sticker!
Well are you, punks? Are you? If you are, shout out, “Pizza pizza!”

There you go. Complain about these being taken on a cell phone some more, you thankless jerks. Sorry it’s not worth framing these and hanging them above the mantle.

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Barbara_i

    Picture #1, Elton John rubbed the Genie in the brass lamp against his crotch and *poof* he's younger and has more hair again. What were his other two wishes though?

    • Swampgas_Man

      Well, one was a “12-inch pianist”, but I may have misheard.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Well, one of them was reportedly a "12-inch pianist", but I may have misheard.

  • Serolf_Divad

    Where's the gay porn stand?

    • bitchincamaro2

      It stands for FREEDOM, Ser! Oh, wait…

      • LiveToServeYa

        It stands for FREEDOM and it stands WIDE … uh

    • noodlesalad

      "Oui, the peephole…"

      • horsedreamer_1

        Classic (& classy) porn.

    • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      All of them.

    • widestanceroman

      In front of the gay porn kneel [cue cymbal crash].

    • Boredw/Gravity

      Men's bathroom, down the hall to the left.

      • SorosBot

        No, a gloryhole is not porn, it's used for actual sex.

    • GeoffPeterson

      In that closet over there. It's getting crowded.

    • CapnFatback

      ANYWHERE LINDSEY GRAHAM WANTS IT TO.

  • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

    Whatever happened to Godfathers Pizza anyway?

    • Barbara_i

      Godfather's Pizza, "a pizza you can't refuse" is still in business. Between them and Subway, I don't know how they do it though. Who has time to wait while some kid makes your sub, as if he were diffusing a bomb? I don't have that kind of time on my hands.

      • V572625694

        Subway actually serves edible food that won't kill you, as opposed to the circles of death at the pizza joints. Plus watching them assemble the sandwich is concurrently a tribute to jobs for the unemployable and an assurance that you're getting minimal rodent droppings in your foot-long.

        • horsedreamer_1

          Quizno's — though I havn't been in four or more years — remains best. Vanilla Coke on tap, at least at the downtown Milwaukee location, c. 2003, & guacamole as a side (at no extra charge).

          For current subs: Jimmy John's. It's all about the mayo/come of the homeless. Used not to like it, but after getting back from Romania, the JJ's mayo is the closest to tasting like the condiment they put on my chicken snitzel sandwiches in Upper Moesia.

          • V572625694

            Germans put mayonnaise on French fries. This alone warrants their doom.

          • WriteyWriterton

            Oh, you get an amen. Anyone who likes mayo on anything is defective and demented. Feh.

            And, no, I don't hate mayo because I'm Jewish. I was raised about as Jewishly (?) as Jimmy Cagney, except for the neurotic self-of-steam deficiencies. Mayo sucks an sich, the end.

    • Mumbletypeg

      ah, memories… slices of Godfathers' had the quickest-congealing excuse for "mozzarella," and oddly uniformly-shaped sausage morsels for topping, for starters.
      To answer your question, I don't know — left that dining experience behind back in TN and haven't seen any around VA, so it must have been primarily deep-south deepdish.

      "God-fa-ther's Piiiizza / The pizza you can't refuse!"

      • Swampgas_Man

        W/ the friendly Mafia stereotype mascot!

  • LesBontemps

    Where are the furries?

    • SorosBot

      Well Riley's looking pretty damn furry in his picture.

      • CapnFatback

        You don't say.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    That carpet is making me sick and no, this is not a Christine O’Donnell joke.

    • Serolf_Divad

      Hey, show some respect: that carpet was probably woven in 1985 by Afghan Taliban Mujahedin as a "thank-you" gift to Ronald Reagan for al the Stingers he shipped them.

      • WriteyWriterton

        We have retired the trophy for realpolitik dumb, I think.

      • Negropolis

        That, or it's made out of petroleum in some Salvadoran carpet factory with a non-existent safety program, which, oddly enough also comes full circle back to Reagan.

    • BZ1

      the carpet is done `a la Greyhound bus fabric, to hide the vomit

    • littlebigdaddy

      I have been to a couple of conventions in that dump and, not only is the carpet nausea-inducing, they keep that "ballroom" at about 38 degrees. Mind you, these people look like they wouldn't notice if they were freezing, as long as it is in defense of freedumbs. You know, like Valley Forge, exactly.

  • Blendergoathead

    My god, the carpet there is as bad as in a Reno casino. The people, even worse. Thanks for taking one for the team.

    • Crank_Tango

      i've been meaning to go a'shrooming in the peppermill sometime, also.

  • SorosBot

    "For the we the people "real" defender of the Constitution" is not a sentence, Paultards; for one thing it has no verb. It's also factually wrong, since over and over again Paul has shown he has no idea what the Constitution says.

    • Terry

      So, were the quotation marks put on that sign by someone who flunked grammar or are the Paultards being pranked?

      What am I saying? Of course, it's the first.

      • SorosBot

        Besides the bad grammar, I love that whoever made it felt the need to change the font size with each line, along with the stupid change to the fancy font for "We the people". It's a graphic design fail as well.

        • kissawookiee

          I assumed the lonely little Paul 2012 sign was photobombing the defender of the Constitution sign, unless its placement way down there on the floor at the base of the easel was strategic. Well, "strategic," in the same sense as "real," of course.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Is this a Wonkette version of "Where's Waldo?" I think I won. I saw a black person at CPAC.

    • Serolf_Divad

      Correction: you saw the black person at CPAC.

    • Boredw/Gravity

      The blacks at CPAC appear in bumper-sticker or countdown clock form only.

      • SorosBot

        Well some of the reporters covering CPAC are probably black; hopefully they're all carrying a taser or mace on them.

      • HistoriCat

        Someone has to serve the drinks, clean the spills, etc.

        • horsedreamer_1

          Just like the Gulf!

    • ttommyunger

      Emptying trash cans, no doubt.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …I never thought I would see the day when a CPAC event would be devoid of "Furries"!?

    • HistoriCat

      Furries was so yesterday (at least, I think that's what "Debt" was). Today we're doing colonial role-playing – fun!

  • horsedreamer_1

    Cain-Waggaman 2012!

  • freakishlywrong

    Riley and Jack, please do not get covered in wingnut taint, shower often and take lots of smoke breaks.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    None photos of the Marriott mascot – their beloved bedbugs? A cootie furry or something.

    • bflrtsplk

      It's that giant cockroach hanging from the chandelier.

  • Schmannnity

    I had no idea there were so many Village People teabaggers.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Will Lady Gaga be the headliner at the banquet? A tip of the hat to transgendered conservtards?

      • WriteyWriterton

        "…transgendered conservtards…"

        Hmmm…no, not an oxymoron, palindrome, or other recognizable speech-play, but great nevertheless.

  • freakishlywrong

    SRSLY, how do y'all not just cold punch everyone? I'd be going through there spinning with my fists out like we used to do when we were kids. That's gotta be some cherry weed.

  • noodlesalad

    I do like the "Pants on the Ground" Obama doll. The easter egg is, when the clock strikes zero, the boxers drop, too.

    • CapnFatback

      Complete with the message, "Four more years, motherfuckers. Suck it."

      I think I figured out what the "hoax" is all about . . .

    • MARCdMan

      Oh how the GOP chicks will swoon when that happens.

  • DoktorZoom

    Memo to Paultards: Quotation marks should "not" be used for emphasis, you "morons."

  • x111e7thst

    These are not real conservatives! Where are the guns? The Hoverounds?

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Isn't that Riley?

    How dare you suggest Riley is anything less than one rough, tough hombre!
    ~

    • Barbara_i

      Oopsie, my bad.

      • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

        I thought it was kind of funny, really.

        And you deleted 5 upfistings to your p-score!
        ~

        • OC_Surf_Serf

          which is probably like removing a hundred upfists in our crazy, crazy, mixed-up Wonkette p-score world

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I tried one of them CPAC things to try and alleviate my sleep apnia. It felt like I had the Alien Facehugger on me. So I trained myself to sleep on my side. I don't what any of those pictures above have to do with this.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Brokeback Riley?

    • horsedreamer_1

      In two years, Riley will overdose on prescription drugs in Barbara Bush's SoHo loft.

      • WriteyWriterton

        Or get strangled in the Chelsea Hotel. (Too soon?)

  • EatsBabyDingos

    The carpet looks like the the indoor-outdoor carpet my parents put on the patio in the back yard in 1972.

    • widestanceroman

      Hose-able carpet is essential when hosting groups like this.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Has a very basement-restaurant-at-the-Ripon-Wisconsin-Best-Western feel to it.

      & yes, this is a compliment.

  • LesBontemps

    In that hat, he could be out riding cowboys.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      But, alas, he just can't quit Wonkette.

  • bflrtsplk

    CPAC = Crazy People Acting, uh, Crazy.

  • HistoriCat

    "Complain about these being taken on a cell phone some more, you thankless jerks."

    Careful Jack – you're treading very close to Ms. Benincasa's territory.

  • JoshuaNorton

    Oh goody. The illiterate signs are back.

    Note the "Real" Defender of the Constitution.

    Kind of like astroturf is "real" grass.

  • Mumbletypeg

    He needed to mask that baby-face of his, so alluring to the furries and Breit-types..

  • Boredw/Gravity

    I won't complain about the quality of the photos. I'm just glad Riley & Jack are taking the bullet so we don't have to.

  • superdave

    What is it with the Wonketteers. Can no one afford a haircut or shave? Hell, ya can't even run a comb through your hair? I'm guessing y'all stick out like a sore thumb at CPAC.

    Cotdam hippie freaks.

    • DangerHelvetica

      At least they got out of their pajamas for this.

      • http://wonkette.com Ken Layne

        So true. How many *bloggers* and *comedy writers* have you ever seen out in public? Wonkette deserves a Double-double Bloggie simply for sending our people out into the awful fluorescent hotel-conference light of a "political event" a couple of times per year.

        • HistoriCat

          I can't decide if you are sticking up for Jack and Riley or agreeing with superdave.

          • SorosBot

            "Are you being sarcastic, dude?" "I don't even know anymore."

  • Terry

    So, why does the Obama bobblehead have Hawaiian shorts on when he's supposed to really be born in Kenya?

    • OC_Surf_Serf

      …wonder if the gaggle of workers who hand-painted these in a Shenzhen sweatshop were thinking just that too…

    • Rosie_Scenario

      "Bone through nose" was considered too obvious.

    • Oblios_Cap

      It looks like somebody found a bunch of remainder A-Rod bobbleheads and spray painted their faces sorta black. And then slapped a $20 price tag on them.

      Fools and money, soon parted.

  • PsycWench

    Someone should tell Ron Paul that quotation marks around a word signify irony, not emphasis.
    Nah, never mind.

    • V572625694

      What do "you" "mean" by irony "?"

      • WriteyWriterton

        "Ha!"

  • elviouslyqueer

    FAP FAP FAP. *notices hat* FAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAP.

    • WriteyWriterton

      Easy there, big fella. You don't wanna strain anything.

  • PsycWench

    The fourth picture has a certain unshaven frontiersman Harry Potter thing going on.

    • Oblios_Cap

      I was thinking more of a brokeback HP, what with Breibart being nearby…

    • HistoriCat

      When will this slash fan fiction end?

  • Cicada

    Ironically, that Obama clock makes Obama look like a middle-aged white guy with a Boehner tan.

  • horsedreamer_1

    With all these black Republicans emerging from the nooks & crannies of America's political cupboard, I am getting a Fredo "I'm smart too!" vibe, with Obama as Michael, obviously.

    • WriteyWriterton

      There's a rowboat out there somewhere, with Herman Cain's name on it.

  • deanbooth

    I think the quotes around "real" in that sign screwed up the alt tag, Jack. Great pics!

  • LiveToServeYa

    Today, we are all blurry photos of furry-less freebies. Is it time to start drinking, yet?

    • SorosBot

      Is it ever not time to start drinking?

    • LesBontemps

      What do you mean, "yet"?

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    If only Riley looked stupid or fat (or both) he would fit right in at CPAC with that white cowboy hat.

  • prommie

    Relentless stupidity. One of Mitch Hedberg's funniest lines was "The thing that's depressing about tennis is, no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played against a wall once… that guy was fucking relentless!" Thats the problem with the stupid, its fucking relentless. It just keeps hitting the ball back until you get tired or make a mistake.

    • jodyleek

      "I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too." – MH

      It would take a Hedbergdian level of intoxication to get me in the door of CPAC.

  • http://www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/cheaphits/reviews/ cheaphits

    I don't see very many women there – which is a credit to their gender…

    Oh yeah, CPAC would have them in the kitchen, I suppose.

    • Boredw/Gravity

      Oh, they are there, all right — just listen for the screeching.

  • elviouslyqueer

    The jaunty way the teabagger in the first pic is carrying his flag makes it look like he's wearing a Klan hood. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

  • yyyaz

    This whole tableau is like being bitch-slapped by Chauncy Gardener.

  • jus_wonderin

    These photos aren't that bad. But where are the conte' crayon sketches we requested??

  • http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=351473119155 Fred_Wertham_Jr

    Dicking pot? Is that like a colonial-era fleshlight? I think we underestimate the technological prowess of our forebears.

  • Ruhe

    Design fail on the Tic Toc Barak clock! They should have based the design on one of those Kit-Cat Clocks with the moving eyes and swinging tail pendulum. Obviously you'd want to have the Kit-Cat-Barak clock buck his eyes and swing his dick with each passing second. Sales would be brisk.

  • V572625694

    Not to complain about the cellphone pic quality, but it'd be cool to get Jack an old-style Graflex with the flash on the side, and a fedora with a card saying "Press" jammed in the band. "Hold page one! And don't call me 'Chief'!"

  • Oblios_Cap

    Ignorance should be painful. Then that bedbug infested convention room would be even more of a proper circle of hell than it already is.

  • DaRooster

    Who left the bag of weed next to the "We" "the" "People" "sign" "?"

  • ttommyunger

    Herman Cain: Redneck Godsend. The locals here in Gawgia have all apparently gotten the memo that they can safely give lip service to this Cain fellow because he doesn't have a prayer of winning anything bigger than the door prize at the CPAC Convention or anywhere else, for that matter. The upside is that they can simultaneously deny their racist hatred of Barry by so doing, pointing to their faint praise of this Pizza Mogul turned Corporate Token-Black turned Radio Talker. See? It's a win-win for the Baggers! Clever little fuckers, aren't they. Not smart, but clever.

    • SorosBot

      Herman Cain is Alan Keyes 3.0 (2.0 was Michael Steele).

      • ttommyunger

        I'm pretty sure each of them know they're being gamed, but what the fuck, right? It's a nice ride and probably beats working a regular job.

    • snoopyfan2010

      I think the only people who buy that routine are the same ones doing it. Everyone else has seen it before.

  • el_donaldo

    Those CPACers that buy the countdown clock are going to be really pissed when they find out when the time runs out that the clock was actually counting down to Obama's reelection.

    • mavenmaven

      many of them may try to return it at that point, not understanding why it didn't work correctly :)

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Fittingly, Riley looks like a "Won't Get Fooled Again"-era Pete Townshend. I hope he clocked Trump with his guitar.

  • http://wonkette.com WordSaladNation

    These pictures give me a brain boner.

  • widestanceroman

    Isn't today the Alaskunt's Inception Date?

    I'm looking forward to the C packers' mural of her face (large enough to scare Russia).

  • PabaBritannica

    Still don't believe that America would ever elect someone named "Herman", even if he owned a pizza place or whatever.

    Screw him, when's the Little Caesar's Pizza Pizza Roman dude going to enter the race?

    • HistoriCat

      when's the Little Caesar's Pizza Pizza Roman dude going to enter the race?

      Sometime mid-March.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Jack and Riley make a damn fine team/couple I must say.

  • glamourdammerung

    That teatard in that same colonial outfit really is a one trick pony.

  • snoopyfan2010

    by bag what exactly do you mean???? hmmmmm?

  • XOhioan

    A vote for Herman Cain is a vote for capitalizing the phrase "American Dream" and referring to America, in a creative fusion of the biblical and nautical, as "She" and "Her." http://www.hermancain.com/index.asp

  • Negropolis

    At least the little Obama clock actually resembles him to some extent. This is a step up, as usually they depict him as some Sambo caricature.