letters from iwo jima

A Children’s Treasury of CPAC Crap, Vol. 2

Back to the future.
Above, your editor tries his hand at using a real revolutionary-era copper dicking pot this kindly Teabagger was carrying around his belt. Unfortunately, this man was the only one who got the memo about it being Halloween, but in case our government finally turns back the clock to whenever this (albeit probably incorrect and anachronistic) costume was in fashion, he’ll be ready. CPAC is great. Really great.

Credit cards accepted, you guys.
For only $20, you too can count down the days until Barack Obama is no longer black. (What’s the “HOAX” here? The illusion that any of these idiot presidential candidates at CPAC have a chance at beating him?)

Spraypaint '2012!' That's so street, RP.
The epic struggle of Teabagger v. iPad.

Out riding fences.
A guy was running as a write-in on the straw poll, we guess. He gave out these hats. Yeah, he’s probably going to win, so.

Look who can raise enough funds for a bumper sticker!
Well are you, punks? Are you? If you are, shout out, “Pizza pizza!”

There you go. Complain about these being taken on a cell phone some more, you thankless jerks. Sorry it’s not worth framing these and hanging them above the mantle.

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
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  1. Barbara_i

    Picture #1, Elton John rubbed the Genie in the brass lamp against his crotch and *poof* he's younger and has more hair again. What were his other two wishes though?

    1. Barbara_i

      Godfather's Pizza, "a pizza you can't refuse" is still in business. Between them and Subway, I don't know how they do it though. Who has time to wait while some kid makes your sub, as if he were diffusing a bomb? I don't have that kind of time on my hands.

      1. V572625694

        Subway actually serves edible food that won't kill you, as opposed to the circles of death at the pizza joints. Plus watching them assemble the sandwich is concurrently a tribute to jobs for the unemployable and an assurance that you're getting minimal rodent droppings in your foot-long.

        1. horsedreamer_1

          Quizno's — though I havn't been in four or more years — remains best. Vanilla Coke on tap, at least at the downtown Milwaukee location, c. 2003, & guacamole as a side (at no extra charge).

          For current subs: Jimmy John's. It's all about the mayo/come of the homeless. Used not to like it, but after getting back from Romania, the JJ's mayo is the closest to tasting like the condiment they put on my chicken snitzel sandwiches in Upper Moesia.

          1. WriteyWriterton

            Oh, you get an amen. Anyone who likes mayo on anything is defective and demented. Feh.

            And, no, I don't hate mayo because I'm Jewish. I was raised about as Jewishly (?) as Jimmy Cagney, except for the neurotic self-of-steam deficiencies. Mayo sucks an sich, the end.

    2. Mumbletypeg

      ah, memories… slices of Godfathers' had the quickest-congealing excuse for "mozzarella," and oddly uniformly-shaped sausage morsels for topping, for starters.
      To answer your question, I don't know — left that dining experience behind back in TN and haven't seen any around VA, so it must have been primarily deep-south deepdish.

      "God-fa-ther's Piiiizza / The pizza you can't refuse!"

    1. Serolf_Divad

      Hey, show some respect: that carpet was probably woven in 1985 by Afghan Taliban Mujahedin as a "thank-you" gift to Ronald Reagan for al the Stingers he shipped them.

      1. Negropolis

        That, or it's made out of petroleum in some Salvadoran carpet factory with a non-existent safety program, which, oddly enough also comes full circle back to Reagan.

    2. littlebigdaddy

      I have been to a couple of conventions in that dump and, not only is the carpet nausea-inducing, they keep that "ballroom" at about 38 degrees. Mind you, these people look like they wouldn't notice if they were freezing, as long as it is in defense of freedumbs. You know, like Valley Forge, exactly.

  2. Blendergoathead

    My god, the carpet there is as bad as in a Reno casino. The people, even worse. Thanks for taking one for the team.

  3. SorosBot

    "For the we the people "real" defender of the Constitution" is not a sentence, Paultards; for one thing it has no verb. It's also factually wrong, since over and over again Paul has shown he has no idea what the Constitution says.

    1. Terry

      So, were the quotation marks put on that sign by someone who flunked grammar or are the Paultards being pranked?

      What am I saying? Of course, it's the first.

      1. SorosBot

        Besides the bad grammar, I love that whoever made it felt the need to change the font size with each line, along with the stupid change to the fancy font for "We the people". It's a graphic design fail as well.

        1. kissawookiee

          I assumed the lonely little Paul 2012 sign was photobombing the defender of the Constitution sign, unless its placement way down there on the floor at the base of the easel was strategic. Well, "strategic," in the same sense as "real," of course.

      1. SorosBot

        Well some of the reporters covering CPAC are probably black; hopefully they're all carrying a taser or mace on them.

    1. HistoriCat

      Furries was so yesterday (at least, I think that's what "Debt" was). Today we're doing colonial role-playing – fun!

  4. freakishlywrong

    Riley and Jack, please do not get covered in wingnut taint, shower often and take lots of smoke breaks.

      1. WriteyWriterton

        "…transgendered conservtards…"

        Hmmm…no, not an oxymoron, palindrome, or other recognizable speech-play, but great nevertheless.

  5. freakishlywrong

    SRSLY, how do y'all not just cold punch everyone? I'd be going through there spinning with my fists out like we used to do when we were kids. That's gotta be some cherry weed.

  6. noodlesalad

    I do like the "Pants on the Ground" Obama doll. The easter egg is, when the clock strikes zero, the boxers drop, too.

    1. CapnFatback

      Complete with the message, "Four more years, motherfuckers. Suck it."

      I think I figured out what the "hoax" is all about . . .

        1. OC_Surf_Serf

          which is probably like removing a hundred upfists in our crazy, crazy, mixed-up Wonkette p-score world

  7. BaldarTFlagass

    I tried one of them CPAC things to try and alleviate my sleep apnia. It felt like I had the Alien Facehugger on me. So I trained myself to sleep on my side. I don't what any of those pictures above have to do with this.

  8. EatsBabyDingos

    The carpet looks like the the indoor-outdoor carpet my parents put on the patio in the back yard in 1972.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Has a very basement-restaurant-at-the-Ripon-Wisconsin-Best-Western feel to it.

      & yes, this is a compliment.

  9. HistoriCat

    "Complain about these being taken on a cell phone some more, you thankless jerks."

    Careful Jack – you're treading very close to Ms. Benincasa's territory.

  10. JoshuaNorton

    Oh goody. The illiterate signs are back.

    Note the "Real" Defender of the Constitution.

    Kind of like astroturf is "real" grass.

  11. Boredw/Gravity

    I won't complain about the quality of the photos. I'm just glad Riley & Jack are taking the bullet so we don't have to.

  12. superdave

    What is it with the Wonketteers. Can no one afford a haircut or shave? Hell, ya can't even run a comb through your hair? I'm guessing y'all stick out like a sore thumb at CPAC.

    Cotdam hippie freaks.

      1. Ken Layne

        So true. How many *bloggers* and *comedy writers* have you ever seen out in public? Wonkette deserves a Double-double Bloggie simply for sending our people out into the awful fluorescent hotel-conference light of a "political event" a couple of times per year.

    1. OC_Surf_Serf

      …wonder if the gaggle of workers who hand-painted these in a Shenzhen sweatshop were thinking just that too…

    2. Oblios_Cap

      It looks like somebody found a bunch of remainder A-Rod bobbleheads and spray painted their faces sorta black. And then slapped a $20 price tag on them.

      Fools and money, soon parted.

  13. PsycWench

    Someone should tell Ron Paul that quotation marks around a word signify irony, not emphasis.
    Nah, never mind.

  14. horsedreamer_1

    With all these black Republicans emerging from the nooks & crannies of America's political cupboard, I am getting a Fredo "I'm smart too!" vibe, with Obama as Michael, obviously.

  15. prommie

    Relentless stupidity. One of Mitch Hedberg's funniest lines was "The thing that's depressing about tennis is, no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played against a wall once… that guy was fucking relentless!" Thats the problem with the stupid, its fucking relentless. It just keeps hitting the ball back until you get tired or make a mistake.

    1. jodyleek

      "I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too." – MH

      It would take a Hedbergdian level of intoxication to get me in the door of CPAC.

  16. elviouslyqueer

    The jaunty way the teabagger in the first pic is carrying his flag makes it look like he's wearing a Klan hood. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

  17. Ruhe

    Design fail on the Tic Toc Barak clock! They should have based the design on one of those Kit-Cat Clocks with the moving eyes and swinging tail pendulum. Obviously you'd want to have the Kit-Cat-Barak clock buck his eyes and swing his dick with each passing second. Sales would be brisk.

  18. V572625694

    Not to complain about the cellphone pic quality, but it'd be cool to get Jack an old-style Graflex with the flash on the side, and a fedora with a card saying "Press" jammed in the band. "Hold page one! And don't call me 'Chief'!"

  19. Oblios_Cap

    Ignorance should be painful. Then that bedbug infested convention room would be even more of a proper circle of hell than it already is.

  20. ttommyunger

    Herman Cain: Redneck Godsend. The locals here in Gawgia have all apparently gotten the memo that they can safely give lip service to this Cain fellow because he doesn't have a prayer of winning anything bigger than the door prize at the CPAC Convention or anywhere else, for that matter. The upside is that they can simultaneously deny their racist hatred of Barry by so doing, pointing to their faint praise of this Pizza Mogul turned Corporate Token-Black turned Radio Talker. See? It's a win-win for the Baggers! Clever little fuckers, aren't they. Not smart, but clever.

      1. ttommyunger

        I'm pretty sure each of them know they're being gamed, but what the fuck, right? It's a nice ride and probably beats working a regular job.

    1. snoopyfan2010

      I think the only people who buy that routine are the same ones doing it. Everyone else has seen it before.

  21. el_donaldo

    Those CPACers that buy the countdown clock are going to be really pissed when they find out when the time runs out that the clock was actually counting down to Obama's reelection.

  22. widestanceroman

    Isn't today the Alaskunt's Inception Date?

    I'm looking forward to the C packers' mural of her face (large enough to scare Russia).

  23. PabaBritannica

    Still don't believe that America would ever elect someone named "Herman", even if he owned a pizza place or whatever.

    Screw him, when's the Little Caesar's Pizza Pizza Roman dude going to enter the race?

  24. Negropolis

    At least the little Obama clock actually resembles him to some extent. This is a step up, as usually they depict him as some Sambo caricature.

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