LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA  10:00 am February 11, 2011

A Children’s Treasury of CPAC Crap, Vol. 2

by Jack Stuef

Back to the future.
Above, your editor tries his hand at using a real revolutionary-era copper dicking pot this kindly Teabagger was carrying around his belt. Unfortunately, this man was the only one who got the memo about it being Halloween, but in case our government finally turns back the clock to whenever this (albeit probably incorrect and anachronistic) costume was in fashion, he’ll be ready. CPAC is great. Really great.

Credit cards accepted, you guys.
For only $20, you too can count down the days until Barack Obama is no longer black. (What’s the “HOAX” here? The illusion that any of these idiot presidential candidates at CPAC have a chance at beating him?)

Spraypaint '2012!' That's so street, RP.
The epic struggle of Teabagger v. iPad.

Out riding fences.
A guy was running as a write-in on the straw poll, we guess. He gave out these hats. Yeah, he’s probably going to win, so.

Look who can raise enough funds for a bumper sticker!
Well are you, punks? Are you? If you are, shout out, “Pizza pizza!”

There you go. Complain about these being taken on a cell phone some more, you thankless jerks. Sorry it’s not worth framing these and hanging them above the mantle.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 131 comments }

Barbara_i February 11, 2011 at 10:05 am

Picture #1, Elton John rubbed the Genie in the brass lamp against his crotch and *poof* he's younger and has more hair again. What were his other two wishes though?

Swampgas_Man February 11, 2011 at 10:44 am

Well, one was a “12-inch pianist”, but I may have misheard.

Swampgas_Man February 11, 2011 at 10:45 am

Well, one of them was reportedly a "12-inch pianist", but I may have misheard.

Serolf_Divad February 11, 2011 at 10:05 am

Where's the gay porn stand?

bitchincamaro2 February 11, 2011 at 10:10 am

It stands for FREEDOM, Ser! Oh, wait…

LiveToServeYa February 11, 2011 at 10:23 am

It stands for FREEDOM and it stands WIDE … uh

noodlesalad February 11, 2011 at 10:22 am

"Oui, the peephole…"

horsedreamer_1 February 11, 2011 at 10:53 am

Classic (& classy) porn.

ManchuCandidate February 11, 2011 at 10:24 am

All of them.

widestanceroman February 11, 2011 at 10:24 am

In front of the gay porn kneel [cue cymbal crash].

Boredw/Gravity February 11, 2011 at 10:27 am

Men's bathroom, down the hall to the left.

SorosBot February 11, 2011 at 10:36 am

No, a gloryhole is not porn, it's used for actual sex.

GeoffPeterson February 11, 2011 at 10:29 am

In that closet over there. It's getting crowded.

CapnFatback February 11, 2011 at 10:45 am

ANYWHERE LINDSEY GRAHAM WANTS IT TO.

trampndirtdown February 11, 2011 at 10:06 am

Whatever happened to Godfathers Pizza anyway?

Barbara_i February 11, 2011 at 10:24 am

Godfather's Pizza, "a pizza you can't refuse" is still in business. Between them and Subway, I don't know how they do it though. Who has time to wait while some kid makes your sub, as if he were diffusing a bomb? I don't have that kind of time on my hands.

V572625694 February 11, 2011 at 10:29 am

Subway actually serves edible food that won't kill you, as opposed to the circles of death at the pizza joints. Plus watching them assemble the sandwich is concurrently a tribute to jobs for the unemployable and an assurance that you're getting minimal rodent droppings in your foot-long.

horsedreamer_1 February 11, 2011 at 10:40 am

Quizno's — though I havn't been in four or more years — remains best. Vanilla Coke on tap, at least at the downtown Milwaukee location, c. 2003, & guacamole as a side (at no extra charge).

For current subs: Jimmy John's. It's all about the mayo/come of the homeless. Used not to like it, but after getting back from Romania, the JJ's mayo is the closest to tasting like the condiment they put on my chicken snitzel sandwiches in Upper Moesia.

V572625694 February 11, 2011 at 10:43 am

Germans put mayonnaise on French fries. This alone warrants their doom.

Mumbletypeg February 11, 2011 at 10:41 am

ah, memories… slices of Godfathers' had the quickest-congealing excuse for "mozzarella," and oddly uniformly-shaped sausage morsels for topping, for starters.
To answer your question, I don't know — left that dining experience behind back in TN and haven't seen any around VA, so it must have been primarily deep-south deepdish.

"God-fa-ther's Piiiizza / The pizza you can't refuse!"

Swampgas_Man February 11, 2011 at 10:47 am

W/ the friendly Mafia stereotype mascot!

LesBontemps February 11, 2011 at 10:08 am

Where are the furries?

SorosBot February 11, 2011 at 10:17 am

Well Riley's looking pretty damn furry in his picture.

CapnFatback February 11, 2011 at 10:36 am

You don't say.

Monsieur_Grumpe February 11, 2011 at 10:08 am

That carpet is making me sick and no, this is not a Christine O’Donnell joke.

Serolf_Divad February 11, 2011 at 10:12 am

Hey, show some respect: that carpet was probably woven in 1985 by Afghan Taliban Mujahedin as a "thank-you" gift to Ronald Reagan for al the Stingers he shipped them.

WriteyWriterton February 11, 2011 at 6:04 pm

We have retired the trophy for realpolitik dumb, I think.

Negropolis February 12, 2011 at 1:17 am

That, or it's made out of petroleum in some Salvadoran carpet factory with a non-existent safety program, which, oddly enough also comes full circle back to Reagan.

BZ1 February 11, 2011 at 11:37 am

the carpet is done `a la Greyhound bus fabric, to hide the vomit

littlebigdaddy February 11, 2011 at 1:47 pm

I have been to a couple of conventions in that dump and, not only is the carpet nausea-inducing, they keep that "ballroom" at about 38 degrees. Mind you, these people look like they wouldn't notice if they were freezing, as long as it is in defense of freedumbs. You know, like Valley Forge, exactly.

Blendergoathead February 11, 2011 at 10:08 am

My god, the carpet there is as bad as in a Reno casino. The people, even worse. Thanks for taking one for the team.

Crank_Tango February 11, 2011 at 11:51 am

i've been meaning to go a'shrooming in the peppermill sometime, also.

SorosBot February 11, 2011 at 10:08 am

"For the we the people "real" defender of the Constitution" is not a sentence, Paultards; for one thing it has no verb. It's also factually wrong, since over and over again Paul has shown he has no idea what the Constitution says.

Terry February 11, 2011 at 10:26 am

So, were the quotation marks put on that sign by someone who flunked grammar or are the Paultards being pranked?

What am I saying? Of course, it's the first.

SorosBot February 11, 2011 at 10:39 am

Besides the bad grammar, I love that whoever made it felt the need to change the font size with each line, along with the stupid change to the fancy font for "We the people". It's a graphic design fail as well.

kissawookiee February 11, 2011 at 11:34 am

I assumed the lonely little Paul 2012 sign was photobombing the defender of the Constitution sign, unless its placement way down there on the floor at the base of the easel was strategic. Well, "strategic," in the same sense as "real," of course.

ManchuCandidate February 11, 2011 at 10:09 am

Is this a Wonkette version of "Where's Waldo?" I think I won. I saw a black person at CPAC.

Serolf_Divad February 11, 2011 at 10:14 am

Correction: you saw the black person at CPAC.

Boredw/Gravity February 11, 2011 at 10:24 am

The blacks at CPAC appear in bumper-sticker or countdown clock form only.

SorosBot February 11, 2011 at 10:41 am

Well some of the reporters covering CPAC are probably black; hopefully they're all carrying a taser or mace on them.

HistoriCat February 11, 2011 at 11:28 am

Someone has to serve the drinks, clean the spills, etc.

horsedreamer_1 February 11, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Just like the Gulf!

ttommyunger February 11, 2011 at 10:48 am

Emptying trash cans, no doubt.

AngryBlakGuy February 11, 2011 at 10:10 am

…I never thought I would see the day when a CPAC event would be devoid of "Furries"!?

HistoriCat February 11, 2011 at 10:21 am

Furries was so yesterday (at least, I think that's what "Debt" was). Today we're doing colonial role-playing – fun!

horsedreamer_1 February 11, 2011 at 10:10 am

Cain-Waggaman 2012!

freakishlywrong February 11, 2011 at 10:10 am

Riley and Jack, please do not get covered in wingnut taint, shower often and take lots of smoke breaks.

weejee February 11, 2011 at 10:11 am

None photos of the Marriott mascot – their beloved bedbugs? A cootie furry or something.

bflrtsplk February 11, 2011 at 10:25 am

It's that giant cockroach hanging from the chandelier.

weejee February 11, 2011 at 10:54 am

Or one of these for the kids?

Schmannnity February 11, 2011 at 10:12 am

I had no idea there were so many Village People teabaggers.

weejee February 11, 2011 at 10:30 am

Will Lady Gaga be the headliner at the banquet? A tip of the hat to transgendered conservtards?

WriteyWriterton February 11, 2011 at 6:07 pm

"…transgendered conservtards…"

Hmmm…no, not an oxymoron, palindrome, or other recognizable speech-play, but great nevertheless.

freakishlywrong February 11, 2011 at 10:14 am

SRSLY, how do y'all not just cold punch everyone? I'd be going through there spinning with my fists out like we used to do when we were kids. That's gotta be some cherry weed.

noodlesalad February 11, 2011 at 10:18 am

I do like the "Pants on the Ground" Obama doll. The easter egg is, when the clock strikes zero, the boxers drop, too.

CapnFatback February 11, 2011 at 10:39 am

Complete with the message, "Four more years, motherfuckers. Suck it."

I think I figured out what the "hoax" is all about . . .

MARCdMan February 11, 2011 at 10:57 am

Oh how the GOP chicks will swoon when that happens.

DoktorZoom February 11, 2011 at 10:20 am

Memo to Paultards: Quotation marks should "not" be used for emphasis, you "morons."

x111e7thst February 11, 2011 at 10:20 am

These are not real conservatives! Where are the guns? The Hoverounds?

ifthethunderdontgetya February 11, 2011 at 10:20 am

Isn't that Riley?

How dare you suggest Riley is anything less than one rough, tough hombre!
~

Barbara_i February 11, 2011 at 10:28 am

Oopsie, my bad.

ifthethunderdontgetya February 11, 2011 at 10:31 am

I thought it was kind of funny, really.

And you deleted 5 upfistings to your p-score!
~

OC_Surf_Serf February 11, 2011 at 10:35 am

which is probably like removing a hundred upfists in our crazy, crazy, mixed-up Wonkette p-score world

BaldarTFlagass February 11, 2011 at 10:21 am

I tried one of them CPAC things to try and alleviate my sleep apnia. It felt like I had the Alien Facehugger on me. So I trained myself to sleep on my side. I don't what any of those pictures above have to do with this.

ManchuCandidate February 11, 2011 at 10:21 am

Brokeback Riley?

horsedreamer_1 February 11, 2011 at 10:27 am

In two years, Riley will overdose on prescription drugs in Barbara Bush's SoHo loft.

WriteyWriterton February 11, 2011 at 6:08 pm

Or get strangled in the Chelsea Hotel. (Too soon?)

EatsBabyDingos February 11, 2011 at 10:22 am

The carpet looks like the the indoor-outdoor carpet my parents put on the patio in the back yard in 1972.

widestanceroman February 11, 2011 at 10:28 am

Hose-able carpet is essential when hosting groups like this.

horsedreamer_1 February 11, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Has a very basement-restaurant-at-the-Ripon-Wisconsin-Best-Western feel to it.

& yes, this is a compliment.

LesBontemps February 11, 2011 at 10:22 am

In that hat, he could be out riding cowboys.

BaldarTFlagass February 11, 2011 at 10:35 am

But, alas, he just can't quit Wonkette.

bflrtsplk February 11, 2011 at 10:23 am

CPAC = Crazy People Acting, uh, Crazy.

HistoriCat February 11, 2011 at 10:24 am

"Complain about these being taken on a cell phone some more, you thankless jerks."

Careful Jack – you're treading very close to Ms. Benincasa's territory.

JoshuaNorton February 11, 2011 at 10:24 am

Oh goody. The illiterate signs are back.

Note the "Real" Defender of the Constitution.

Kind of like astroturf is "real" grass.

Mumbletypeg February 11, 2011 at 10:26 am

He needed to mask that baby-face of his, so alluring to the furries and Breit-types..

Boredw/Gravity February 11, 2011 at 10:26 am

I won't complain about the quality of the photos. I'm just glad Riley & Jack are taking the bullet so we don't have to.

superdave February 11, 2011 at 10:27 am

What is it with the Wonketteers. Can no one afford a haircut or shave? Hell, ya can't even run a comb through your hair? I'm guessing y'all stick out like a sore thumb at CPAC.

Cotdam hippie freaks.

DangerHelvetica February 11, 2011 at 10:44 am

At least they got out of their pajamas for this.

Ken Layne February 11, 2011 at 11:21 am

So true. How many *bloggers* and *comedy writers* have you ever seen out in public? Wonkette deserves a Double-double Bloggie simply for sending our people out into the awful fluorescent hotel-conference light of a "political event" a couple of times per year.

HistoriCat February 11, 2011 at 11:32 am

I can't decide if you are sticking up for Jack and Riley or agreeing with superdave.

SorosBot February 11, 2011 at 11:38 am

"Are you being sarcastic, dude?" "I don't even know anymore."

Terry February 11, 2011 at 10:27 am

So, why does the Obama bobblehead have Hawaiian shorts on when he's supposed to really be born in Kenya?

OC_Surf_Serf February 11, 2011 at 10:33 am

…wonder if the gaggle of workers who hand-painted these in a Shenzhen sweatshop were thinking just that too…

Rosie_Scenario February 11, 2011 at 10:41 am

"Bone through nose" was considered too obvious.

Oblios_Cap February 11, 2011 at 10:55 am

It looks like somebody found a bunch of remainder A-Rod bobbleheads and spray painted their faces sorta black. And then slapped a $20 price tag on them.

Fools and money, soon parted.

PsycWench February 11, 2011 at 10:27 am

Someone should tell Ron Paul that quotation marks around a word signify irony, not emphasis.
Nah, never mind.

V572625694 February 11, 2011 at 10:58 am

What do "you" "mean" by irony "?"

WriteyWriterton February 11, 2011 at 6:10 pm

"Ha!"

elviouslyqueer February 11, 2011 at 10:27 am

FAP FAP FAP. *notices hat* FAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAP.

WriteyWriterton February 11, 2011 at 6:03 pm

Easy there, big fella. You don't wanna strain anything.

PsycWench February 11, 2011 at 10:29 am

The fourth picture has a certain unshaven frontiersman Harry Potter thing going on.

Oblios_Cap February 11, 2011 at 10:55 am

I was thinking more of a brokeback HP, what with Breibart being nearby…

HistoriCat February 11, 2011 at 11:33 am

When will this slash fan fiction end?

Cicada February 11, 2011 at 10:30 am

Ironically, that Obama clock makes Obama look like a middle-aged white guy with a Boehner tan.

horsedreamer_1 February 11, 2011 at 10:30 am

With all these black Republicans emerging from the nooks & crannies of America's political cupboard, I am getting a Fredo "I'm smart too!" vibe, with Obama as Michael, obviously.

WriteyWriterton February 11, 2011 at 6:13 pm

There's a rowboat out there somewhere, with Herman Cain's name on it.

deanbooth February 11, 2011 at 10:33 am

I think the quotes around "real" in that sign screwed up the alt tag, Jack. Great pics!

LiveToServeYa February 11, 2011 at 10:35 am

Today, we are all blurry photos of furry-less freebies. Is it time to start drinking, yet?

SorosBot February 11, 2011 at 10:52 am

Is it ever not time to start drinking?

LesBontemps February 11, 2011 at 12:06 pm

What do you mean, "yet"?

donner_froh February 11, 2011 at 10:38 am

If only Riley looked stupid or fat (or both) he would fit right in at CPAC with that white cowboy hat.

prommie February 11, 2011 at 10:39 am

Relentless stupidity. One of Mitch Hedberg's funniest lines was "The thing that's depressing about tennis is, no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played against a wall once… that guy was fucking relentless!" Thats the problem with the stupid, its fucking relentless. It just keeps hitting the ball back until you get tired or make a mistake.

jodyleek February 11, 2011 at 10:50 am

"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too." – MH

It would take a Hedbergdian level of intoxication to get me in the door of CPAC.

cheaphits February 11, 2011 at 10:39 am

I don't see very many women there – which is a credit to their gender…

Oh yeah, CPAC would have them in the kitchen, I suppose.

Boredw/Gravity February 11, 2011 at 11:13 am

Oh, they are there, all right — just listen for the screeching.

elviouslyqueer February 11, 2011 at 10:45 am

The jaunty way the teabagger in the first pic is carrying his flag makes it look like he's wearing a Klan hood. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

yyyaz February 11, 2011 at 10:49 am

This whole tableau is like being bitch-slapped by Chauncy Gardener.

jus_wonderin February 11, 2011 at 10:52 am

These photos aren't that bad. But where are the conte' crayon sketches we requested??

Fred_Wertham_Jr February 11, 2011 at 10:55 am

Dicking pot? Is that like a colonial-era fleshlight? I think we underestimate the technological prowess of our forebears.

Ruhe February 11, 2011 at 10:57 am

Design fail on the Tic Toc Barak clock! They should have based the design on one of those Kit-Cat Clocks with the moving eyes and swinging tail pendulum. Obviously you'd want to have the Kit-Cat-Barak clock buck his eyes and swing his dick with each passing second. Sales would be brisk.

V572625694 February 11, 2011 at 10:58 am

Not to complain about the cellphone pic quality, but it'd be cool to get Jack an old-style Graflex with the flash on the side, and a fedora with a card saying "Press" jammed in the band. "Hold page one! And don't call me 'Chief'!"

Oblios_Cap February 11, 2011 at 10:58 am

Ignorance should be painful. Then that bedbug infested convention room would be even more of a proper circle of hell than it already is.

DaRooster February 11, 2011 at 10:59 am

Who left the bag of weed next to the "We" "the" "People" "sign" "?"

ttommyunger February 11, 2011 at 11:00 am

Herman Cain: Redneck Godsend. The locals here in Gawgia have all apparently gotten the memo that they can safely give lip service to this Cain fellow because he doesn't have a prayer of winning anything bigger than the door prize at the CPAC Convention or anywhere else, for that matter. The upside is that they can simultaneously deny their racist hatred of Barry by so doing, pointing to their faint praise of this Pizza Mogul turned Corporate Token-Black turned Radio Talker. See? It's a win-win for the Baggers! Clever little fuckers, aren't they. Not smart, but clever.

SorosBot February 11, 2011 at 11:07 am

Herman Cain is Alan Keyes 3.0 (2.0 was Michael Steele).

ttommyunger February 11, 2011 at 11:20 am

I'm pretty sure each of them know they're being gamed, but what the fuck, right? It's a nice ride and probably beats working a regular job.

snoopyfan2010 February 11, 2011 at 1:06 pm

I think the only people who buy that routine are the same ones doing it. Everyone else has seen it before.

el_donaldo February 11, 2011 at 11:02 am

Those CPACers that buy the countdown clock are going to be really pissed when they find out when the time runs out that the clock was actually counting down to Obama's reelection.

mavenmaven February 11, 2011 at 11:18 am

many of them may try to return it at that point, not understanding why it didn't work correctly :)

Chet Kincaid February 11, 2011 at 11:06 am

Fittingly, Riley looks like a "Won't Get Fooled Again"-era Pete Townshend. I hope he clocked Trump with his guitar.

WordSaladNation February 11, 2011 at 11:18 am

These pictures give me a brain boner.

widestanceroman February 11, 2011 at 11:19 am

Isn't today the Alaskunt's Inception Date?

I'm looking forward to the C packers' mural of her face (large enough to scare Russia).

PabaBritannica February 11, 2011 at 11:42 am

Still don't believe that America would ever elect someone named "Herman", even if he owned a pizza place or whatever.

Screw him, when's the Little Caesar's Pizza Pizza Roman dude going to enter the race?

HistoriCat February 11, 2011 at 12:02 pm

when's the Little Caesar's Pizza Pizza Roman dude going to enter the race?

Sometime mid-March.

Bonzos_Bed_Time February 11, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Jack and Riley make a damn fine team/couple I must say.

glamourdammerung February 11, 2011 at 1:03 pm

That teatard in that same colonial outfit really is a one trick pony.

snoopyfan2010 February 11, 2011 at 1:07 pm

by bag what exactly do you mean???? hmmmmm?

XOhioan February 11, 2011 at 1:33 pm

A vote for Herman Cain is a vote for capitalizing the phrase "American Dream" and referring to America, in a creative fusion of the biblical and nautical, as "She" and "Her." http://www.hermancain.com/index.asp

Negropolis February 12, 2011 at 1:21 am

At least the little Obama clock actually resembles him to some extent. This is a step up, as usually they depict him as some Sambo caricature.

WriteyWriterton February 11, 2011 at 6:02 pm

Oh, you get an amen. Anyone who likes mayo on anything is defective and demented. Feh.

And, no, I don't hate mayo because I'm Jewish. I was raised about as Jewishly (?) as Jimmy Cagney, except for the neurotic self-of-steam deficiencies. Mayo sucks an sich, the end.

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