Hey, look who we ran into in the hallway! It’s that guy who killed all the people. A pleasant fellow to say the least. But why won’t he answer our questions about his health and, more specifically, the classic Sega Genesis video game Sonic the Hedgehog? What is he trying to hide? Video inside.
DID HE KNOW WHAT KNUCKLES WAS DOING AND WHEN DID HE KNOW IT?
{ 114 comments }
Shoulda asked about Bubble Bobble.
Shoulda unplugged his ashtray heart.
Bah; Super Nintendo ruled, Genesis drooled. Mario crushes Sonic; especially since he still stars in good games while Sonic hasn't had a decent one in 15 years.
Show me Mario's long form birf certificat level!
It's on like Donkey Kong!*
*(Donkey Kong = Barack Obama)
Obviously, he doesn't have one. He's without passport.
Should have asked him about Angry Birds.
…won't know 'bout that, he only shoots the caged ones.
Cheney's memoir, due out this year: I Know Why the Caged Bird Got Dinged.
Sonic blood libel!
I got off the video-game bus at Pong. It required eye-hand coordination beyond my Ashkenazim Level.
Weren't the first basketball leagues Jewish, what happened?
Everybody else got taller more quickly, even the gap-toothed honks. Maybe it's all the whitefish.
Don't worry Writey, we can get by on adorable. I, likewise, am almost unbelievably uncoordinated, in fact I once fell off a small ferry in the Aegean Sea.
I would kill for the chance to, just once, fall off a small ferry in the Aegean Sea. Especially, I suppose, in September? In late afternoon light? With a glass of retsina or eight?
My days of getting by on adorable are waning, unless they're going to include the Depends Period.
Oh my Dog Ms Lizzie!
Did you make it out alive?
…I always figured that when Dick Cheney died that a horde of Orcs would emerge from a chasm and drag his putrid corpse into the bowels of hell where it will be worshiped by Michael Myers, Freddy Kruger and that clown thing from SAW!!!
"…Michael Myers, Freddy Kruger and that clown thing from SAW…" = Rumsfeld, Cheney, and Rice.
Powell = the other Mike Meyers, of the [in]imitable comic stylings/aka mailing it in, SNL-style.
Yet somehow, he still walks among us. (Cheney, not Jigsaw.)
The horrors, they just go on and on.
He would also make a handsome Davros.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Davros
"If you had created a virus in your laboratory. Something contagious and infectious that killed on contact. A virus that would destroy all other forms of life… would you allow its use?"
…
"Yes. Yes. To hold in my hand, a capsule that contained such power. To know that life and death on such a scale was my choice. To know that the tiny pressure on my thumb, enough to break the glass, would end everything. Yes. I would do it. That power would set me up above the gods."
Yep, that sounds like Cheney.
Too bad the American Dr Who never got off the ground, we could use him right now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TrlZCm2GnXI
I think I know who else is up-thumbing all the Who references…
I figured when he died, he'd be like Gort in the remake of Day the Earth Stood Still, and would discorporate into a million trillion titanium locusts from another galaxy that would kill us all and eat all of our material goods, and that's why they are trying so hard to keep him alive. Stay away from my album collection, Cheney locusts!!!
Maybe he *is* Sonic the Hedgehog. We could do a test: Throw him in a lake.
If he sinks he's Sonic. Unfortunately he'll have drowned (Sonic cannot swim).
If he floats he's a witch. Unfortunately we'll have to burn him at the stake.
Either way, we'll be doing Science, so that's a good thing.
I read recently that, in spite of much encouragement from Obama, participation in science fairs is way down. I think, dear gefo5, that you may have hit upon the perfect solution.
Together we can take back this land, sarjo. Together, we can burn all the old demagogues – and be free.
I read somewhere that A-up-up-down-down-B-B-left stops his heart machine and then you can save the princess.
…if Dick Cheney was a video game boss he would be war loving dictator from "Street Fighter", M.BISON!!!
I support zombie Raul Julia playing Dick Cheney in the next Street Fighter movie.
huh
Sonic Boom!
That would work maybe if M. Bison had heart disease. And a blander uniform.
One of Bison's daughters is a pro-torture lesbian so Cheney's got that going for him I guess.
"Rayman all the way baby. Fuck Sonic."
Much love,
Dick
Is he still looking for a new heart? Careful Jack – he might just rip yours right out of chest.
FATALITY
"You have died from Dick's internist."
Sounds like another Zevon reference to me. The day seems to demand them.
When Sonic Strikes Up The Band?
"Excitable Buoy"? (I know it's a bad aquatic pun, but it comes from my exchange with Limeylizzie about the Aegean, above.)
Turn that Game Boy up full blast,
Play it all night long.
That would be rubbing it all over his chest.
Cheney's been singing, "My Shit's Fucked Up" for years; still he outlived Warren.
We need to resurrect Dante to work out what will happen to Cheney when he dies. Though I suspect he and Kissinger may be having the same suite prepared for them.
So the sweetest love they will experience in the rest of eternity is a chainsaw dildo with scalpels attached to it?
Thumbs up because that is stone cold horrifying.
White House press passes for all Wonkette staff NAO!
As an ambush interviewer, Jack makes Sam Donaldson look like Mike Wallace.
Or maybe it's the other way around. Yeah, that's it: Mike Wallace makes Jack look like Sam Donaldson, only with real hair.
The undead walk amongst us. Searching for a heart to snatch.
Upon his passing will come the newest greatest National Urinal.
I still haven't advanced from Mattel's Electronic Quarterback, circa 1979. Wait! Ask him for the cheat codes to his ventricular assist device (VAD)
So I guess this proves he's a VAD-er?
(Bad pun! Bad, bad pun!)
You were RIGHT THERE! What I would have given to put a funcooker in your hands at that moment.
I guess he's an Xbox, and we're more Atari…
Extemporanus
user-of-owls
The Xbox
The Wii
(Am I doing this right?)
that is an appropriate song for Dick!
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A36...
Cheney: The Ladykiller
Men too, but also ladies.
Dick Cheney won't die — he's just going to hop on a flaming chariot drawn by six headless black horses and swoop down into a gaping hole that opens up in the earth, after which it'll rain hot rivets and tarballs for six days. So make fun of him now.
…hop on a flaming chariot drawn by six headless black horses and swoop down into a gaping hole that opens up in the earth
With the cry of "Honey, I'm home!" trailing off into the blackened night…
Knuckles the dog was a very good dog…
~
Cheney's actually on his way to meet powerful Republican Miles T. Prower.
Like Sonic, Dickie constantly regains more cookies, recharges his heart and is restored to FULL POWER for more mayhem and destruction.
That'sa one prickly hedgehog. Don't try and catch it. Run.
Mr. Vice President! Is it true that you bite the heads off small animals while you bathe in the blood of virgins? Mr. Vice President? The blood of virgins?
Ask him if he's kidnapped any Hyrulean princesses next time, Jack.
Never mind that, what does he say about BurgerTime?
And what about Dr. Eggman?
Zombie Dick!
At the risk of incurring some 'bad joss', are y'all talking about some game that came after Taipan?
Well…go ahead. Ask him what it's like to be a soulless criminal. Oh yeah, and how his wife Lon is in the sack.
This guy is so yesterday! There's an incredible drama being acted out in Egypt. Find some way of getting more of it on Wonkette. A Moritorium on Cheney, Palin and other irrelevancies!
Patience, the crack Wonkette staff is on that as we speak. I'm sure Ken Layne is right there asking Mubarak how he manages to stay so lovely and youthful-looking.
Yet cheney is likely to outlive him. There's no justice.
you should have had more Chaos emeralds before confronting him.
It's amazing how he went from emaciated corpse to Chunky McChunkerstein so fast. Any Weight Watchers will tell ya: that babies' blood is fattening~
Cheney dies and goes to hell. Since he’s so rich and they are such kindred spirits, Satan takes him around to show him the various eternal torments he can choose from. First room, there’s Hitler getting fucked up the ass by a 18” circumcised cock made of gefilte fish, stinging nettles, and razor blades, for eternity. Cheney passes. Next room, there’s Stalin, having his exposed genitalia nibbled by the razor sharp stainless steel dentures of 5 million gulag victims, for eternity. Cheney passes. Next room, Ronald Reagan and Dick Nixon are in a three-way witht Farrah Fawcett. Cheney says, “That’s for me!!”
Satan says “You sure?” and Dick replies in the affirmative.
“OK,” says Satan, “you got it! But I gotta say that I never would have expected you to choose Ms Fawcett’s punishment.”
Totally a World of Warcraft boss mob.
"Mr Vice President, if you wanted to shoot us in the face we'd apologize"
Heard seconds before the accident:
"Watch this."
Look ma, no nose!
The old fucker looks like shit. Die old man – for my country.
Pat Boone is getting a lifetime achievement award from CootiePAC. Must be for his white on white Wonder Bread version of Tutti Frutti.
Could be for his christmas specials, you know he did a lot for Hong Kong Phooey after he hit rock bottom. http://youtu.be/dHEJk0oUezg
I'm guessing he was more of a Wolfenstein 3D player (with Wolfowitz, perhaps?)
Was it, like, too wierd to be in, like, the presence of someone that didn't, like, have a pulse?
What about Sal? She was a good old girl and a good old pal.
other than the Sonic the Hedgehog comments from the Wonketteers there, it sounds like Cheney is also followed/heckled by 9/11 truthers?
Yeah, I'd rather have him respond to those guys…Although "Are you Dr. Robotnik?" was a valid question, I feel.
god i hate these nerd threads.
How about a nice game of chess?
Perhaps we could play Benko's Gambit. White or Black?
~
You can't handle the, uh, the nerd threads?
I would guess he was more of a Wolfenstein 3D guy (played it with Wolfowitz?)
Why are my attempted comments being blocked? I had a good line about Wolfenstein 3D but the system won't let me post!
This is the dumbest shit
wow really?
Either way, he's a cheat.
When I at last unplugged my PlayStation several years back, I had a couple each of every race car Gran Turismo offered (and a couple not even advertised!) and 130 million play dollars in my account.
Other than smoking a carton of cigarettes a day for three months, it was Good Times, indeed.
ROBOTNIK LIED, TAILS DIED
But even as he lied he restored dignity to the Egghouse.
This talk of old video-game has me wondering: did CPAC allow the Libertarians to sell their LegalizeTees/Chronic the Hemphog schwag?
I would approve waterboarding Dr. Eggman!
Cheney, Cheney! Is it true that you sustain your lifeforce with the soul of deceased infants? People want to know!
No drinking was involved , but if recall I was flirting furiously wth some Greek , not bearing gifts, and I was laughing and threw my head back and just sort of went overboard
Greek vacations are stupid cheap, my sister just back from Athens and paid ~3000 with airfare for a month with her girlfriend/finance, airfare was like 1/2 of it.
On the Wonkette you are adorable eternally.
Sounds like a scene from a Meg Ryan movie. Or maybe Sandra Bullock?
Oh, that's right, you're English: Helena Bonham Carter.
HBC…mmmmmmm.
You are sweet. Blow in my ear like that, and I'll follow you to the gates of hell.
awww, you two are cute, now get a ROOM! (I'd fall off a boat in the Aegean with Lizzie any 'ol day…of course I can swim!
Took me a while to figure out that was "girlfriend/fiancée." Or…was it…?
We've a stateroom booked on the ferry. Virtually.
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