Liveblogging Your Next President Donald Trump's CPAC Speech

Woah! It is that guy with the money from that Joan Rivers show! Sure, we'll liveblog this.

3: 34 PM — Huge cheer. Of course he comes into his teevee show theme song.

3: 36 PM — Trump says he will decide on running for president by June. Meanwhile, Dick Cheney walks into the room (!!!), and the room suddenly gets chillier.

3: 40 PM — Trump now talking about China. He is mystifying these attendees by knowing names of countries that aren't the U.S.! Foreign policy bona fides!

3: 42 PM — YEAH! SHIT ON OPEC! WOO!

3: 44 PM — Trump says OPEC better lower prices or else.

3: 45 PM — Trump shitting on Ron Paul. Paultards boo, everyone else cheers. Haha. Says Paul has no chance. The stool is falling apart!

3: 47 PM — "I'm also well acquainted with winning." "I'm pro-life." That's all you need.

3: 48 PM — Trump wants to take money from other countries rather than tax people. What?

3: 48 PM — And that's it. Again, what?

3: 49 PM — Trump has security guards, thankfully. Paultards can't kidnap him and put him in the blimp.

3: 53 PM — Trump's plan: "Tax" other countries, but have fair trade. Make OPEC lower prices or bomb them. A pragmatic approach to foreign policy, we guess.

3: 53 PM — This woman loved Trump so much she almost made out with the teevee:

Alright, that's it. Rand Paul on now. Cheney(!) will be up soon to introduce Don Rumsfeld.