WHAT? OK  3:39 pm February 10, 2011

Liveblogging Your Next President Donald Trump’s CPAC Speech

by Jack Stuef

Sure thing.
Woah! It is that guy with the money from that Joan Rivers show! Sure, we’ll liveblog this.

3:34 PM — Huge cheer. Of course he comes into his teevee show theme song.
3:36 PM — Trump says he will decide on running for president by June. Meanwhile, Dick Cheney walks into the room (!!!), and the room suddenly gets chillier.
3:40 PM — Trump now talking about China. He is mystifying these attendees by knowing names of countries that aren’t the U.S.! Foreign policy bona fides!
3:42 PM — YEAH! SHIT ON OPEC! WOO!
3:44 PM — Trump says OPEC better lower prices or else.
3:45 PM — Trump shitting on Ron Paul. Paultards boo, everyone else cheers. Haha. Says Paul has no chance. The stool is falling apart!
3:47 PM — “I’m also well acquainted with winning.” “I’m pro-life.” That’s all you need.
3:48 PM — Trump wants to take money from other countries rather than tax people. What?
3:48 PM — And that’s it. Again, what?
3:49 PM — Trump has security guards, thankfully. Paultards can’t kidnap him and put him in the blimp.
3:53 PM — Trump’s plan: “Tax” other countries, but have fair trade. Make OPEC lower prices or bomb them. A pragmatic approach to foreign policy, we guess.
3:53 PM — This woman loved Trump so much she almost made out with the teevee:
HAIR SWOON.
Alright, that’s it. Rand Paul on now. Cheney(!) will be up soon to introduce Don Rumsfeld.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 68 comments }

hagajim February 10, 2011 at 3:41 pm

That's cuz Dick just sucked the life out of it…to stay alive.

Anthr_DCLwyr3d February 10, 2011 at 3:41 pm

Jack, $10 if you get ejected for yelling "You're Fired!"

nounverb911 February 10, 2011 at 3:42 pm

TRUMP NUTZ!

MittsHairHelmet February 10, 2011 at 3:43 pm

Trump Nutz FTW

LiveToServeYa February 10, 2011 at 3:43 pm

Donald Trump's hairpiece has more chance of being elected president than he does.

Lascauxcaveman February 10, 2011 at 3:58 pm

Don't you people get it? That wonderful awful hair is a sartorial trademark that sets him apart. It builds his brand.

Like the dubious facial hair of Don Johnson (Miami Vice) or Maynard G. Krebs (Dobie Gillis). Like Lady Gaga's meat dress. Tucker Caller and Geo. Will's ghey lil' bowties.

This is why these people Have made it.

LiveToServeYa February 10, 2011 at 4:17 pm

Oh, I see. Just like Listerine tastes so bad, it must be good for you, Trump's hairpiece is so awful that the head beneath must be filled with genius. Either that or he's a complete and utter wanker.

Barbara_i February 10, 2011 at 3:43 pm

That hair is proof that money can't buy everything, eh?

Rarian Rakista February 10, 2011 at 4:38 pm

I'm pretty sure that hair was bought from somewhere, what died to make it is another question.

Barbara_i February 10, 2011 at 4:57 pm

It's not dead. I saw it yawn, stretch and scratch its ass there for a moment.

Negropolis February 11, 2011 at 2:28 am

He has enough money and influence to aquire and harvest the hair of a live 16-year-old many times over, but he simply doesn't care, it seems.

OC_Surf_Serf February 10, 2011 at 3:44 pm

Walk? Jack, don't they just wheel Dick around?

Radiotherapy February 10, 2011 at 3:51 pm

Reminds me of the creepy patriarch in Faster, Pussycat, Kill, Kill.

jim89048 February 10, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Speaking of which, Tura Satana croaked the other day.

Rarian Rakista February 10, 2011 at 4:38 pm

They should just encase him in a Dalek and be done with it.

CrankyLttlCamperette February 11, 2011 at 12:35 am

I think that's the next step. You can't get much more evil…

Ducksworthy February 10, 2011 at 3:44 pm

Here we have exhibited the main argument for an effective estate tax if only to prevent idiots like this from squandering great family fortunes.

samsuncle February 10, 2011 at 3:46 pm

Did The Donald give a powerpoint presentation on hair management?

PublicLuxury February 10, 2011 at 3:46 pm

He needs to hook up with a Palin, a pairing of Biblical proportions.

Barbara_i February 10, 2011 at 3:52 pm

I can see the signs at the trailer park already
Dumber than a Stump & Trump 2012

mourningnmerica February 10, 2011 at 4:16 pm

Or, if he hooks up with Bristol, splashed across thecover of Variety – "Trump Humps Plump Lump".

Gleem_McShineys February 10, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Can't wait till their new baby, Tramp Trump is born!

Numbat_Dundee February 10, 2011 at 4:01 pm

Like Sodom and Gomorrah?

Radiotherapy February 10, 2011 at 3:47 pm

Yo, Jack, it's "chill" not "chillier." Mofo.

aguacatero February 10, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Laugh now, but he is inexorable. For example, if you made a deck of cards to honor the 52 morons running for the Republican nomination, do you know which card would be The Donald's? The Trump Card.

And think of the budgetary savings — of all the megalomanical autocrats who seize power all over the world all the time, how many have multiple enormous, tasteless, gilded monuments to themselves already built and named?

Graham Cracker February 10, 2011 at 5:01 pm

It would certainly be more capitalistically efficient to have corporate leaders heading our government. It would eliminate the middleman in funneling tax money to private business. A big cost savings!

Radiotherapy February 10, 2011 at 3:49 pm

His hair is worse than his stupid real estate deals.

MozakiBlocks February 10, 2011 at 3:51 pm

Any minute that hair is going to become sentient, realize where it is and run like hell.

indysocco February 10, 2011 at 4:08 pm
RodneyBadger February 10, 2011 at 3:55 pm

If my job required me to cover one second of this bullshit I would get high as fuck and spend the whole time in the bathroom playing Angry Birds.

Radiotherapy February 10, 2011 at 4:07 pm

I thought I was the only one who did that!

SmutBoffin February 10, 2011 at 3:55 pm

I’m also well acquainted with winning.

This from a man who is constantly declaring bankruptcy.

DaRooster February 10, 2011 at 4:01 pm

However, that IS winning in Merica… you're no longer in debt… or a gorilla suit.

SorosBot February 10, 2011 at 4:12 pm

That gorilla suit had more realistic fake hair than Trump.

Monsieur_Grumpe February 10, 2011 at 4:06 pm

He's too big to fail.

Pragmatist2 February 10, 2011 at 3:58 pm

He is SO pro-life that he has never had an abortion. True fact.

SorosBot February 10, 2011 at 3:58 pm

If he's well acquainted with winning then why is his TV show on the verge of cancellation?

fuflans February 10, 2011 at 4:03 pm

hosni live was clearer. and less annoying.

PresBeeblebrox February 10, 2011 at 4:04 pm

I, for one, welcome our new plutocratic Botoxed overlord.

HolyMaracas February 10, 2011 at 4:08 pm

Just when you thought this could not top the Super Bowl could in terms of douchebaggery, you get Donnie "Chapter 11" Trump. Is Danny Bonaduce next?

GOPCrusher February 10, 2011 at 5:33 pm

Danny Bonaduce has standards.

Come here a minute February 10, 2011 at 4:10 pm

Donald Trump gave a CPAC speech devoid of substance — wow, I guess he is qualified for the Republican nomination.

CZL February 10, 2011 at 4:11 pm

I don't know, Tex. I haven't heard about him smoking crack out of his gigolo's g-string. Yet.

Texan_Bulldog February 10, 2011 at 5:24 pm

True. And I haven't heard he served any of his exes divorce papers while they were in the hospital trying not to die of cancer…he just may not have the necessary qualifications after all.

donner_froh February 10, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Sarah Palin stiffed them again so CPAC went with the next money grubbing whore on the list.

He has the advantage over others since he is already known as a short-fingered vulgarian, although the CPACites wouldn't know that–or what any of the words meant.

metamarcisf February 10, 2011 at 4:17 pm

I'm sitting working in a deserted SmartCar dealership in Las Vegas and gazing out the window at the abandoned Trump Tower eyesore plaguing the otherwise pristine skyline. Now I'm reading Wonkette and a warm feeling is coming over me. Yes, I'm peeing my pants again. Thanks, Wonkette!

mourningnmerica February 10, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Metamarcisf, that was a funny post. What did you do to get get a minus 115 rating? Murder one of the Wonkette staff?

sezme February 10, 2011 at 5:01 pm

He (she?) is loved here, but unloved elsewhere. Because of freedom.

jim89048 February 10, 2011 at 4:52 pm

I couldn't think of a better way to tolerate being stuck in Sin City.

Barbara_i February 10, 2011 at 8:45 pm

I'll be there as soon as I get off my duff and pack. I still need to make sure that I arrange bail money. I'm in the mood for some Vegas and debauchery. Jeff said I am not allowed to sing the Taco Bell "four times the steak" song in any restaurant. Pfffttt!

mourningnmerica February 10, 2011 at 4:19 pm

He is really starting to look and sound like an old rabbi. "Soooo, you vant a vinnah…"

HistoriCat February 10, 2011 at 4:29 pm

I have to admire Trump's foreign policy. It dispenses with all of that bullshit "freedom" and "democracy" and goes straight to profit. Pillage and piracy – there's a reason why they're classics.

HolyCow!! February 10, 2011 at 4:31 pm

Ron Paul, "you're fired!"

Schmannnity February 10, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Not going to happen. He will not live in a house without his name on it.

chicken_thief February 10, 2011 at 4:38 pm

Whenever The Donald starts talking about China it can get a little confusing because he typically erroneously includes silver and glass ware under that general umbrella…

thefrontpage February 10, 2011 at 4:54 pm

From the CPAC Schedule:

SATURDAY

9 a..m.–11 a.m.: Lecture: "The Future of the Republican Party," hosted by Jon Kyl, Joe Lieberman, Kent Conrad and Kay Hutchison.

11:15 a.m.–12:15 a.m.: Free Massages! Sponsored by Happy Endings Day and Evening Spa, "Hospitality" Room CC.

12:30-1:30 p.m.: Lunch, sponsored by Chick-Fil-A.

1:30 p.m.-3:30 p.m.: Special Strip Poker Session, hosted by Kelsey Grammer and Michelle Malkin.

3:30-5:30 p.m.: Lecture: "The Fabulous New Republicans!"–Hosted by Clay Aiken, Mike Foley, Larry Craig, Rush Limbaugh and Elton John.

5:30-7:30 p.m.–Dinner, hosted by Hooter's.

7:30-11:30 p.m.: Movies, Double Feature: "This Is It!" and "The Justin Bieber Story."

11:30 p.m.-3:30 a.m.: 1860s Re-Enactment Party! Please remember to wear your costumes provided by the generous Mississippi Delegation! There will be mud-wrestling, jello wrestling, more strip poker, a special room hosted by Chris Lee, and an open bar! Hosted by the Mississippi CPAC Delegation!

JackObin February 10, 2011 at 5:13 pm

Trump/Palin 2012! That sound you hear is the rest of the world vomiting.

CapnFatback February 10, 2011 at 7:13 pm

3:45 PM — Trump shitting on Ron Paul.

Jack, I believe that you may just have stumbled upon the next big thing in the scatological pr0n field.

Barbara_i February 10, 2011 at 7:34 pm

Trump also said:
Our current president came out of nowhere. Came out of nowhere. In fact, I’ll go a step further: the people that went to school with him, they don’t even know him. They never saw him. They don’t know who he is. It’s crazy. [Wild applause.]
————————————————–
Why does he have to feed the birthers another bowl of crazy flakes? Would Barry be more interesting if he were to follow the Donald's lead and have a new wife for every year of administration or a reality show? The next season of The Apprentice has Star Jones, Latoya Jackson and Dionne Warwick, fresh from her gig on The Psychic Friends Network. Sorry Nostrildomus, you're fired!

Boojum_Reborn February 11, 2011 at 6:33 am

Yeah, the New York Times didn't even do a story on the first black student chosen to be Editor of the Harvard Law Review. Weird, huh?
http://www.nytimes.com/1990/02/06/us/first-black-

jakegittes February 10, 2011 at 10:46 pm

Ya wanna know why the rest of the world is laughing at us? It's Trump's fucking hair. That's the reason.

CrankyLttlCamperette February 11, 2011 at 12:37 am

Yeah, but he didn't womb-whack any of them, so he's cool.

Schmegeg February 11, 2011 at 12:41 am

This guy put the Trump casinos through THREE bankruptcies and still managed to retain a small piece of the company. I think he just might be qualified to manage our National Debt.

straighteight February 11, 2011 at 1:36 am

Donald Trump 2012: The Face of Inherited Wealth

Seriously, the guy couldn't keep a casino business solvent. But yeah, where's the birth certificate, blackie? America wants a president that reflects our values and appearance: a shameless, debt-ridden, orange-skinned goon.

MiniMencken February 11, 2011 at 1:46 am

If he runs, he'd have to file a financial statement. No way that is going to happen.

Negropolis February 11, 2011 at 2:33 am

So, anyone want to take a guess at how many abortions he probably paid for over the years? I'd put it in the low hundreds.

CPAC FAIL.

NadePaulKuciGravMcKi February 11, 2011 at 3:45 am

Trump, Rummy, and Cheney
to join Mubarak in Fuhrerbunker.

gurukalehuru February 11, 2011 at 11:17 am

Mock at your peril. Consider:
He can spend like Meg Whitman. He's also smart enough not to admit he's never voted before, and has probably long since sent any illegal domestics packing, with generous payouts for their discretion.
He doesn't have any political record, so he can tell the baggers absolutely anything they want to hear. He will, too.
He's got far more name recognition than any of them with the exception of Palin, and his kids aren't anywhere near as retarded as hers (no, I'm not talking about the little one)
The late night comics just love him to death

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