what? ok

Liveblogging Your Next President Donald Trump’s CPAC Speech

Sure thing.
Woah! It is that guy with the money from that Joan Rivers show! Sure, we’ll liveblog this.

3:34 PM — Huge cheer. Of course he comes into his teevee show theme song.
3:36 PM — Trump says he will decide on running for president by June. Meanwhile, Dick Cheney walks into the room (!!!), and the room suddenly gets chillier.
3:40 PM — Trump now talking about China. He is mystifying these attendees by knowing names of countries that aren’t the U.S.! Foreign policy bona fides!
3:44 PM — Trump says OPEC better lower prices or else.
3:45 PM — Trump shitting on Ron Paul. Paultards boo, everyone else cheers. Haha. Says Paul has no chance. The stool is falling apart!
3:47 PM — “I’m also well acquainted with winning.” “I’m pro-life.” That’s all you need.
3:48 PM — Trump wants to take money from other countries rather than tax people. What?
3:48 PM — And that’s it. Again, what?
3:49 PM — Trump has security guards, thankfully. Paultards can’t kidnap him and put him in the blimp.
3:53 PM — Trump’s plan: “Tax” other countries, but have fair trade. Make OPEC lower prices or bomb them. A pragmatic approach to foreign policy, we guess.
3:53 PM — This woman loved Trump so much she almost made out with the teevee:
Alright, that’s it. Rand Paul on now. Cheney(!) will be up soon to introduce Don Rumsfeld.

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
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    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Don't you people get it? That wonderful awful hair is a sartorial trademark that sets him apart. It builds his brand.

      Like the dubious facial hair of Don Johnson (Miami Vice) or Maynard G. Krebs (Dobie Gillis). Like Lady Gaga's meat dress. Tucker Caller and Geo. Will's ghey lil' bowties.

      This is why these people Have made it.

      1. LiveToServeYa

        Oh, I see. Just like Listerine tastes so bad, it must be good for you, Trump's hairpiece is so awful that the head beneath must be filled with genius. Either that or he's a complete and utter wanker.

    1. Negropolis

      He has enough money and influence to aquire and harvest the hair of a live 16-year-old many times over, but he simply doesn't care, it seems.

  1. Ducksworthy

    Here we have exhibited the main argument for an effective estate tax if only to prevent idiots like this from squandering great family fortunes.

      1. mourningnmerica

        Or, if he hooks up with Bristol, splashed across thecover of Variety – "Trump Humps Plump Lump".

  2. aguacatero

    Laugh now, but he is inexorable. For example, if you made a deck of cards to honor the 52 morons running for the Republican nomination, do you know which card would be The Donald's? The Trump Card.

    And think of the budgetary savings — of all the megalomanical autocrats who seize power all over the world all the time, how many have multiple enormous, tasteless, gilded monuments to themselves already built and named?

    1. Graham Cracker

      It would certainly be more capitalistically efficient to have corporate leaders heading our government. It would eliminate the middleman in funneling tax money to private business. A big cost savings!

  3. RodneyBadger

    If my job required me to cover one second of this bullshit I would get high as fuck and spend the whole time in the bathroom playing Angry Birds.

  4. HolyMaracas

    Just when you thought this could not top the Super Bowl could in terms of douchebaggery, you get Donnie "Chapter 11" Trump. Is Danny Bonaduce next?

  5. Come here a minute

    Donald Trump gave a CPAC speech devoid of substance — wow, I guess he is qualified for the Republican nomination.

    1. Texan_Bulldog

      True. And I haven't heard he served any of his exes divorce papers while they were in the hospital trying not to die of cancer…he just may not have the necessary qualifications after all.

  6. donner_froh

    Sarah Palin stiffed them again so CPAC went with the next money grubbing whore on the list.

    He has the advantage over others since he is already known as a short-fingered vulgarian, although the CPACites wouldn't know that–or what any of the words meant.

  7. metamarcisf

    I'm sitting working in a deserted SmartCar dealership in Las Vegas and gazing out the window at the abandoned Trump Tower eyesore plaguing the otherwise pristine skyline. Now I'm reading Wonkette and a warm feeling is coming over me. Yes, I'm peeing my pants again. Thanks, Wonkette!

    1. mourningnmerica

      Metamarcisf, that was a funny post. What did you do to get get a minus 115 rating? Murder one of the Wonkette staff?

    2. Barbara_i

      I'll be there as soon as I get off my duff and pack. I still need to make sure that I arrange bail money. I'm in the mood for some Vegas and debauchery. Jeff said I am not allowed to sing the Taco Bell "four times the steak" song in any restaurant. Pfffttt!

  8. HistoriCat

    I have to admire Trump's foreign policy. It dispenses with all of that bullshit "freedom" and "democracy" and goes straight to profit. Pillage and piracy – there's a reason why they're classics.

  9. chicken_thief

    Whenever The Donald starts talking about China it can get a little confusing because he typically erroneously includes silver and glass ware under that general umbrella…

  10. thefrontpage

    From the CPAC Schedule:


    9 a..m.–11 a.m.: Lecture: "The Future of the Republican Party," hosted by Jon Kyl, Joe Lieberman, Kent Conrad and Kay Hutchison.

    11:15 a.m.–12:15 a.m.: Free Massages! Sponsored by Happy Endings Day and Evening Spa, "Hospitality" Room CC.

    12:30-1:30 p.m.: Lunch, sponsored by Chick-Fil-A.

    1:30 p.m.-3:30 p.m.: Special Strip Poker Session, hosted by Kelsey Grammer and Michelle Malkin.

    3:30-5:30 p.m.: Lecture: "The Fabulous New Republicans!"–Hosted by Clay Aiken, Mike Foley, Larry Craig, Rush Limbaugh and Elton John.

    5:30-7:30 p.m.–Dinner, hosted by Hooter's.

    7:30-11:30 p.m.: Movies, Double Feature: "This Is It!" and "The Justin Bieber Story."

    11:30 p.m.-3:30 a.m.: 1860s Re-Enactment Party! Please remember to wear your costumes provided by the generous Mississippi Delegation! There will be mud-wrestling, jello wrestling, more strip poker, a special room hosted by Chris Lee, and an open bar! Hosted by the Mississippi CPAC Delegation!

  11. CapnFatback

    3:45 PM — Trump shitting on Ron Paul.

    Jack, I believe that you may just have stumbled upon the next big thing in the scatological pr0n field.

  12. Barbara_i

    Trump also said:
    Our current president came out of nowhere. Came out of nowhere. In fact, I’ll go a step further: the people that went to school with him, they don’t even know him. They never saw him. They don’t know who he is. It’s crazy. [Wild applause.]
    Why does he have to feed the birthers another bowl of crazy flakes? Would Barry be more interesting if he were to follow the Donald's lead and have a new wife for every year of administration or a reality show? The next season of The Apprentice has Star Jones, Latoya Jackson and Dionne Warwick, fresh from her gig on The Psychic Friends Network. Sorry Nostrildomus, you're fired!

  13. jakegittes

    Ya wanna know why the rest of the world is laughing at us? It's Trump's fucking hair. That's the reason.

  14. Schmegeg

    This guy put the Trump casinos through THREE bankruptcies and still managed to retain a small piece of the company. I think he just might be qualified to manage our National Debt.

  15. straighteight

    Donald Trump 2012: The Face of Inherited Wealth

    Seriously, the guy couldn't keep a casino business solvent. But yeah, where's the birth certificate, blackie? America wants a president that reflects our values and appearance: a shameless, debt-ridden, orange-skinned goon.

  16. Negropolis

    So, anyone want to take a guess at how many abortions he probably paid for over the years? I'd put it in the low hundreds.


  17. gurukalehuru

    Mock at your peril. Consider:
    He can spend like Meg Whitman. He's also smart enough not to admit he's never voted before, and has probably long since sent any illegal domestics packing, with generous payouts for their discretion.
    He doesn't have any political record, so he can tell the baggers absolutely anything they want to hear. He will, too.
    He's got far more name recognition than any of them with the exception of Palin, and his kids aren't anywhere near as retarded as hers (no, I'm not talking about the little one)
    The late night comics just love him to death

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