larping or whatever you call it

Wonkette Goes To CPAC: A Children’s Treasury of Conservatards, Vol. 1

'Hey Angle, abortionist says what?'
Hey look, there’s Sharron Angle! She refused to answer our questions about the future of makeup and what it means for the War in Afghanistan. Aww! Anyway, we just got here, but we’ve found plenty of weirdos and such for your enjoyment.

Riley got the password to the secret furry sex party. Yessssss.
We went to some Citizen’s United thing for a free “bloggers lunch,” but they were out of sandwiches. All the furries got there first, we guess, as you can see. (Our nation’s federal debt is really nice and will even pose for pictures!)

Christians for Jews for Jesus
Free t-shirt! See, CPAC is inclusive. For Jews, at least…

Foam-fingering peace.
Not the Muslims.

INFILTRATION!
Wait! They let one in! All the attendees were ignoring this table like it was filled with bedbugs (probably was!). But media cameras we’re surrounding it, of course. Who knows, this Muslim was probably hit with a box of Lipton two seconds after we left and had to forfeit his Sharia scheme.

'Sharia! PULL!'
Either way, the NRA allowed attendees to take Muslim target practice nearby.

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
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  • smokefilledroommate

    Is that the 'Debt Gorilla'?

    • DoktorZoom

      Who is that magnificent ape?

      Srsly. Izzat supposed to be a gorilla, or Death (the non-Pratchett version), Skelotor, or what?

      • smokefilledroommate

        Gorilla of Deathbt?

    • CapnFatback

      And who is the "weirdo" with him?

      • rocktonsam

        I thought, why is Pete Townsend at CPAC?

    • jim89048

      Brisket Palin, obvs.

  • http://twitter.com/hnjohnso tunamelt

    Sharron Angle has some kind of modified Anna Wintour-bob haircut going on. That's really unsettling.

    ETA: IS THAT DUCK HUNT?!?!11!

    • SorosBot

      Fuck that stupid dog.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      "IS THAT DUCK HUNT?!?!11! "

      Hard to tell. Ken, get Jack a new phone, I haven't seen cellphone pictures this crappy in years.

      • http://twitter.com/hnjohnso tunamelt

        Maybe it's some new iPhone app. Hipsters love 2005.

      • sezme

        It is hard to take these pictures because it is dark at CPAC (Because Dick Cheney was there – "no sunlight" is in his rider, duh).

  • PalinPussyPower

    Should we start a fundraiser so The Wonkettes can use something more modern than a Polaroid from 1982 to bring us photos?

    • SorosBot

      It looks like we also need to raise money to get Riley a decent razor.

      • blinky_twinkie

        No, I love the fuzzy Riley! Stay fuzzy, Riley! You're adorable.

    • http://wonkette.com Ken Layne

      Honestly, you could give them the latest and greatest broadcast-quality HD equipment and they'd probably come back with worse pictures, or just immediately lose the camera and come back with nothing at all.

      I've been dealing with the particular camera retardation of the Wonkette crew for five years now.

    • MissTaken

      Nah, the Wonkette pics always have a special kind of grainy 70's pron thing going on which makes me feel all kinds dirty inside. Rowr!

    • BornInATrailer

      The Angle one almost looks like a court room sketch artist product.

  • samsuncle

    If John Elway and Mr. Ed had a love child it would look like Sharon Angle.

    • nounverb911

      Elway's a girl?

      • samsuncle

        I believe John is a male, but this is America where everyone is exceptional and anything is possible.

    • umm_huh

      No, any offspring produced by that coupling would be way smarter than Sharron.

    • Barrelhse

      Nicest teeth I ever came across.

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      how is it I been readin' Wonkette since the second Bush term and have NEVER seen SamsUncle on here before, and you got such a big p-ness too?! (I must be gettin' old/ senile)

      • samsuncle

        DJ, I have been reading Wonkette for years but don't comment that often. I must confess I have no idea how the "p" thing works. As far as getting old/senile, that is something we have in common (didn't we discuss this some other time?).

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Is Riley going to take that gorilla home?

    In lieu of a sandwich, of course.
    ~

    • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

      "Furries always get there furst."
      ~

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Hope you're getting hazardous duty pay, Riley. Run as fast as you can the other way if you see Breitbart!

    • CapnFatback

      Isn't he posing with Breitbart in that "Debt" photo? That's a helluva neckbeard.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Riley's advertising that he's a 'tart"an kinda guy…

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    The plaid tie is a winner Riley! Great camo!!!

    Were you wearing yer Wonkette Don't Teabag on Me teeshirt underneath?

    • DoktorZoom

      That'd be the Wonkette version of Magic Spiritual Defense Underwear

  • baconzgood

    I would have put Sharron in a head lock to see if her brother, Kurt, showed her any of his cool moves.

    • GOPCrusher

      TNA!

  • bagofmice

    See, this proves that CPAC isn't only for white people. They let in an orange shotgun. Surely they'll manages to slip in a Boehner.

    • hagajim

      I'm sure that multiple somebody's at this conference will manage to slip in a Boehner.

  • Barbara_i

    If you run into Donald Trump, be sure to ask him if Ivanka is going to breast feed the baby she is carrying. We could care less about the kid. My Wonateers with Wieners just want to hear about her boobs. Pictures would be most helpful.

    • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

      You see through us like we're wearing cellophane!
      ~

      • Barbara_i

        love you guys!

  • Ducksworthy

    I think you guys (Jack & Riley) are going to be much happier after the electroshock wipes your memories.

  • Eve8Apples

    That isn't a gorilla, Riley. It's one of those enormous bedbugs. Now we'll have to give Riley a tick bath and a Frontline treatment before we let him back in the apartment.

  • facehead

    Riley is able to blend in, but I'm a little scared for Mr. Stuef. Jack, you may as well have "I majored in Michael Moore Communism at Evergreen" tattooed on your face.

    Good Luck.

    • Negropolis

      lol

  • nounverb911

    I wonder if anyone remembered to bring their second amendments with them?

    • GOPCrusher

      Yeah, I'd like to see a count of people that showed up to this event strapped with weapons.

  • PublicLuxury

    I didn't know Bristol was going to speak at CPAC. I am missing it!!!!!!!!!

    • nounverb911

      Is CPAC paying her with meth?

    • SorosBot

      Will she be dancing?

  • bureaucrap

    Show us the gheys (and the xtians that love them)!

  • SorosBot

    Just be careful, cults like CPAC have some pretty advanced brainwashing techniques that can even trap the wary. I don't want to open Wonkette tomorrow to find Riley's written a poorly spelled, all caps screed demanding the birt sertificate.

  • SmutBoffin

    Do you guys have cyanide pills in case you are captured while you are undercover?

  • HistoriCat

    Muslims for America guy brought cheap pens? Bah – that's great if you want people to ignore you. T-shirts are nice but booth babes – that's where the action is.

    Wait – this is CPAC, never mind. Cancel the hot chicks and find some strapping young body-builders.

    • BlueStateLibel

      Maybe the Muslim guy IS the booth babe–afterall, he's way better looking, better-dressed, and better clothed than the white guy with the gorilla. This is CPAC afterall.

    • widestanceroman

      That's awfully short notice, are they supposed to pull them out of their ass?

    • Mariecohn

      Oh No You Didn't!

      • Oblios_Cap

        I thought they were little pipe bombs.

  • magic_titty

    Call me when Wonkette goes to the AVN Awards.

    • http://wonkette.com Ken Layne

      Honestly, with their pictures, how could you tell one way or the other?

  • Ducksworthy

    So what's with the Palestinian Wall of Lies. Is this as it appears to be the booth of a levantine lie vendor? Should be plenty of business at CPAC. Michele Bachmann will have to be sure to stock up.

  • JoshuaNorton

    Debt gorilla smash!

    Koko Pain Heart Hurt Banana

    And why is Riley channeling John Lennon?

    • BarryOPotter

      Lennon? More of a young Pete Townsend with Paul Weller hair.

      • BornInATrailer

        THANK YOU.

        I kept thinking that Riley looked far less hobbit like and far more like.. uh.. and couldn't ever get that synapse to fire.

        • BarryOPotter

          Peter Paul Weller-Riley, stop dreaming of a quiet life, 'cause it's the one you'll never know. And stop apologising for the things you've never done, 'cause time is short and life is cruel, and Andy B's got his eyes on you…

  • Redhead

    I'm honestly truly shocked they didn't put a sign on the gorilla labeling him Nobama or President

    • SorosBot

      Like the old racist puppet man from 2008:
      http://wonkette.com/403453/racist-moron-palin-clo

      (I can't believe it took me so long to find that).

    • GOPCrusher

      It's assumed that it's Obama, since the USA never had debt until that Kenyan Usurper took office.

  • baconzgood

    I see Israel ISN'T part of the refugee problem….I thought if you booted people out thier homes and shot at them for protesting so that they fled they WERE REFUGEES and you were the cause of the problem.

    But then maybe it's a missprint. They were probally talking about the FUGEES rap band and thier artistic differences during thier brief reunion.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Where the hell are your flag lapel pins? The wingtards don't trust anyone without a flag pin. I bet even the Muslim has a pin although the pictures are so shaky that I can't tell.

  • Come here a minute

    Who was that fabulous furry, posing with a guy in a gorilla suit?

  • An_Outhouse

    Hope nobody contracted fleas or any other diseases. I doubt Wonkette Media LLC reimburses for work related ailments.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Who picked out the carpet in that room? I’m not talking about O’Donnell either.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    "Sir, I'm not actually a gorilla."

  • BarryOPotter

    Nice try, Riley, but Andy's into bears now. Watch yer leg…

  • JoshuaNorton

    Needz moar tubby sign scrawlers and geriatric cart-riders.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Sharron, that's Dave Weigel as Travis Bickel, behind you. Run!

    • http://wonkette.com Ken Layne

      ?!!!! No way.

  • EdFlintstone

    I think I speak for all wonkette commenters when I say our prayers are with Jack and Riley, that the brain damage they were exposed to, has no lasting effects.

  • http://blogslut.com blogslut

    Ya'll stay safe. Those people look skeery!

  • fuflans

    i think riley is adorable.

    there. i said it.

  • pdiddycornchips

    Furries, guns and teabagging gives me an idea for whole new porn genre. CPAC, you inspire me!

  • NorthStarSpanx

    So we do see evidence of lipstick on a pig.

  • mavenmaven

    Wtf does "kosher tea" even mean? Sounds like something someone would say just before saying "jah rastafari"…

  • Gorillionaire

    Is anyone there wearing a Reagan mask and a strap-on?

  • mourningnmerica

    After all these posts, I'm surprised that no one before me has mentioned the awesomeness of the FREEDOM FINGER!!! Moar Freedom Finger. I bet the tip smells a bit like Sharon Angle's CPAC.

  • Barrelhse

    Where's Liz Glover when you need her?

    • horsedreamer_1

      Why don't you check your underpants?

      (Sorry. Just saw No Strings Attached. Surprisingly entertaining.)

      • Barrelhse

        Liz- is that you?

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    It's not the images, it's the thought that counts. Wonkette isn't a photo blog and if you hire somebody for their writing skillz, it's a roll of the dice whether they can figure out a D-SLR. (Or a telephone…)

    Liz's videos were pretty awesome and even her bad photos were still phunny. But let's not forget how bad Arielle's food photos were. Haven't seen any of those in a while ….

    (I'm wondering who is giving the thumbs up in the top picture! Dude behind Angle look like Russian very angry nuclear backpack!)

  • GhostBuggy

    So, we can all agree that's Brietbart in the furry suit, right?

  • http://grandpaboy.blogspot.com/ seppdecker

    The facial hair has transformed Riley from Daniel Radcliffe to Alan Rickman.

    OMG Snape is Harry's father!!!

    • horsedreamer_1

      Actually, all the Wonkette editors & interns are illegitimate offspring of Ken Layne, conceived during his years on the road, as a rock musician. He never got to know them, growing up, never paid child-support, but once they hit adulthood, found out who dad is, he got them the hook-up writing for the family's page.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Bearded Riley. Woof woof, baby.

    I would say moo moo ala Miguel Steele, but seeing as you're a Jew I don't think you'd be allowed to eat me.

  • XOhioan

    Wow, look at the Palestinian Wall of Needs an Editor. If they tightened up some of those run-on sentences arranged in great blocks of text, they could fit in more incoherent all-caps headers.

    • DustBowlBlues

      I heard there is a discussion going on in typewriter world, or wherever, about removing caps lock from the keyboard. I can't wait to hear Sean O'Rushbeck's rant on the socialists trying to make them less shouty.

      • XOhioan

        I work at a university. Once I was helping a student, via email, with a research question. He kept replying in all caps. I found it so vexing that I nearly corrected him online, but decided to wait until we met in person. When he walked into my office, I immediately understood: he was missing a hand. That is the only circumstance under which typing in all caps is acceptable.

  • DustBowlBlues

    A free lunch from CPAC? That means there were no vegetables, right? Just saturated fat and high fructose corn syrup plus a big side of salt–for our freedom.

    (Like I should talk. Trooping around in the snow with the dogs has sent me to the carton of frozen cookie dough I bought from a high school band fundraiser. When I type something like this: sldkjfal;dknf;lsk , it's because my forehead hit the keyboard when I went into a sugar coma.)

  • predilectrix

    Now that you're out of the t-shirt business, Ken, would you consider bringing out a 2012 The Hawt Hairy Boys of Wonkette calendar?

    • horsedreamer_1

      Even better: for the lady readers of Wonkette, they can shave the boys & make merkins from the clippings.

    • hominidx

      I really hate to be That Guy, but the beard is terrible. You were much more convincing as the clean-shaven, freshly molested.

  • rocktonsam

    Was it true that Willow Palin provided child care for the guests?

  • twingonaut

    Did Breitbart send Riley an invite for his party tonight? I hope you get tons of pics of the homocons.

  • NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    The eyes of the Heartland are now wide open.

  • MinAgain

    It's just like the Continental Congress, if the Founding Fathers had let their crazy Aunt Ritas out of the basement to attend the festivities.