Hack Senator Jon Kyl To Retire, Be Cynically Replaced By Ailing Giffords

  a shot in the dark

Three-term Sen. Jon Kyl will announce his retirement at a noon ET news conference Thursday in Phoenix, two Republican sources confirmed to Fox News. [...]

Several officials, both GOP and Democratic, speculated Thursday that should Kyl resign, Rep. Gabby Giffords, rapidly recovering from a recent shot to the head at a constituent meeting, could be a contender.

Yeah! Kyl’s dead, so let’s get her in the race before she can speak and tell us whether she wants to run or not! People love shooting victims. Both parties know that!

Disgusting. [Fox News]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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42 comments

  1. slithytoves

    Several officials, both GOP and Democratic, speculated Thursday that should Kyl resign, Rep. Gabby Giffords, rapidly recovering from a recent shot to the head at a constituent meeting, could be a contender.

    Because what could possibly happen if you were a senator?

      1. V572625694

        Unless they're accidentally in the line of fire. Because shit happens, you know? Especially when you set your piece on shake'n'bake (full auto).

  2. Texan_Bulldog

    A 1/3 mentally capable Gabby is still better than a full Kyle and, good lord, about 500 times smarter than a full Bachmann.

    1. James Michael Curley

      Back in 'Nam you could get a full Bachmann for a pack of Marlboro's. Also, a shot of penicillin from the medics for free.

  3. GOPCrusher

    Aw, too bad. Jon Kyl can't get his way, so he's decided to take his ball and go home? We won't have Jon Kyl to kick around anymore!

  4. Come here a minute

    Well that's how Larry Flynt got elected President, isn't it?

    Can't wait to see the topless Jon Kyl photos!

  5. SmutBoffin

    Maybe Romney will edit his book again to include a story about how he was shot in the face? By Reagan. While standing in the doorway to a hospital, screaming NO HEALTH CARE FOR POORZ!

  6. Gopherit

    You have to love Arizona, where a dried up piece of filthy mouthed, conservative, sexist jerky can be the current Junior Senator.

  7. yyyaz

    Good riddance you douche-, carpet-, and moneybagging fucktard. I hope Iowa gained enough when you left to make up for all the shit you inflicted on the rest of us. Happiness is Jon Kyl disappearing into the sunset with Walnuts under one arm and Jan Brewer under the other.

  8. fartknocker

    I got nothing in snark. I'm just happy that given the goofy shit this week between KKK license plates in Alabama, a NY representative shopping for sexy fun on Craigslist, and Xtine starting a new PAC, it's good to see Gabby recovering and and John Douchebag Kyl carrying his lying ass out of DC.

    My concern is the Palin family. Now that brisket thighs Bristol has her a bung-a-low in Maricopa, I can see her Mom considering establishing AZ residency to run for senate.

    Thanks for some good news Jack.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Mc Cain-Palin together, again, as Senior & Junior Senator. It will be bigger than Simon & Garfunkel playing Central Park… in… whatever year that was.

  9. LionelHutzEsq

    What does it say about Arizona that a person suffering brain damage from being shot in the head is the best candidate that either party can come up with?

    Wait, I just answered by own question.

  10. DustBowlBlues

    Glad to see this vicious, lying, stoopid moran go but let's face it: If Giffords won, what would happen to her seat? And seriously, there is about as much chance of AZ electing a not crazy, or even a decent human being, as there is of such a thing happening in Oklahoma. Kindred spirits, but we beat them to the Sharia law ban. Next up for OK, the zombie invasion fence. Beat that, Arizona.

    1. LionelHutzEsq

      In all fairness, if the Arizona GOP runs some far right crazy tea bagger, a good, solid moderate Democrat would have a shot. It is not that everyone in Arizona has had their brains baked out by the sun. Plus, I still have faith that Arizona just wants to be the Florida of the West, not the Oklahoma.

    2. assistantatlas

      Well, Republicans could end up nominating JD Hayworth, and might be just insane and corrupt enough to actually lose to a living American hero/superwoman who has a D by her name.

  11. PublicLuxury

    If SHE decides to run. . . fine. Opportunistic assholes go to the back of the room and put your head down. We don't want to see you.

  12. Wadisay

    I think what she actually said was, that guy with the gun is friggin' toast when I get my hands on him.

  13. Limeylizzie

    I have little snark re. Gabby, but I really hope that when she makes her first statement about the shooting she just says "That cunt Palin is responsible ".

  14. Negropolis

    Sweet Baby Jeebus. Can't they wait before she forms a coherent paragraph before dragging her back out into the flay? Honestly, this isn't even funny, and I'm getting really tired of them revealing every little detail about her recovery. Let this woman heal for goodness sake. It feels like a total invasion of her privacy, an exploitation. I'd much rather not hear anything until she recovers to the point that she wants to tell us something.

  15. PabaBritannica

    I can't help but wonder if he would be doing this if Giffords was up walking around and healthy…my cynicism towards the GOP knows no bounds.

  16. MinAgain

    Gabby, hon, I hope you recover quickly and completely, so you can bitch slap every single "official" involved in this.

  17. Jukesgrrl

    I thought maybe there was a secret investigation going on until he told the Arizona press (or what passes for it) that he would say "yes" if the Republicans wanted him for Vice President.

Comments are closed.