A SHOT IN THE DARK  12:15 pm February 10, 2011

Hack Senator Jon Kyl To Retire, Be Cynically Replaced By Ailing Giffords

by Jack Stuef

Three-term Sen. Jon Kyl will announce his retirement at a noon ET news conference Thursday in Phoenix, two Republican sources confirmed to Fox News. [...]

Several officials, both GOP and Democratic, speculated Thursday that should Kyl resign, Rep. Gabby Giffords, rapidly recovering from a recent shot to the head at a constituent meeting, could be a contender.

Yeah! Kyl’s dead, so let’s get her in the race before she can speak and tell us whether she wants to run or not! People love shooting victims. Both parties know that!

Disgusting. [Fox News]


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donner_froh February 10, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Now this is good news for John McCain.

MLHencken February 10, 2011 at 12:24 pm

How is Gabby formed?

First she wants toast, now Jon Kyl's job. Next, the moon! Go, Gabby!

andrewdrinker February 10, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Obama is going to be Gabby's VP choice for the 2012 election!

slithytoves February 10, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Several officials, both GOP and Democratic, speculated Thursday that should Kyl resign, Rep. Gabby Giffords, rapidly recovering from a recent shot to the head at a constituent meeting, could be a contender.

Because what could possibly happen if you were a senator?

freakishlywrong February 10, 2011 at 12:27 pm

You mean a "Democrat" senator. The wingnuts don't shoot their own.

V572625694 February 10, 2011 at 12:45 pm

Unless they're accidentally in the line of fire. Because shit happens, you know? Especially when you set your piece on shake'n'bake (full auto).

Texan_Bulldog February 10, 2011 at 12:28 pm

A 1/3 mentally capable Gabby is still better than a full Kyle and, good lord, about 500 times smarter than a full Bachmann.

James Michael Curley February 10, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Back in 'Nam you could get a full Bachmann for a pack of Marlboro's. Also, a shot of penicillin from the medics for free.

Steverino247 February 10, 2011 at 1:58 pm

"Never get off the goddamn Bachmann." Absolutely fucking right.

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] February 10, 2011 at 1:01 pm

You never go full Bachmann.

bflrtsplk February 10, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Even half Bachmann comes with the warning: Don't try this at home.

nounverb911 February 10, 2011 at 12:30 pm


Lascauxcaveman February 10, 2011 at 12:37 pm

Being 'junior senator' to John McCain?

Dear God, you people! Hasn't this woman suffered enough?

GOPCrusher February 10, 2011 at 12:40 pm

Aw, too bad. Jon Kyl can't get his way, so he's decided to take his ball and go home? We won't have Jon Kyl to kick around anymore!

Callyson February 10, 2011 at 12:41 pm

Does this mean we won't be hearing any more ridiculous rants about Justice Sotomayor? Ones that turn out not even to be true? http://pleasecutthecrap.typepad.com/main/2009/07/
Gabrielle Giffords is speaking again. Don't know what she said but it has to be better than the wind that passes through wingnut Kyl's lips…

Come here a minute February 10, 2011 at 12:56 pm

Well that's how Larry Flynt got elected President, isn't it?

Can't wait to see the topless Jon Kyl photos!

ifthethunderdontgetya February 10, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Lettuce never forget:

The Kyl-Huckleberry (attempted) Supreme Court scam.

These days, the only kind of Republican is a lyin' Republican.

SmutBoffin February 10, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Maybe Romney will edit his book again to include a story about how he was shot in the face? By Reagan. While standing in the doorway to a hospital, screaming NO HEALTH CARE FOR POORZ!

DustBowlBlues February 10, 2011 at 2:01 pm

And the jobs. It' all about the jobs.

Gopherit February 10, 2011 at 1:05 pm

You have to love Arizona, where a dried up piece of filthy mouthed, conservative, sexist jerky can be the current Junior Senator.

the_onceler February 10, 2011 at 5:48 pm

loving Arizona is not quite what comes to mind…

yyyaz February 10, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Good riddance you douche-, carpet-, and moneybagging fucktard. I hope Iowa gained enough when you left to make up for all the shit you inflicted on the rest of us. Happiness is Jon Kyl disappearing into the sunset with Walnuts under one arm and Jan Brewer under the other.

sweetcommunist February 10, 2011 at 1:39 pm

I say we nominate the bullet that struck her. That bullet may have torn through Gabby's cortex, but, dammit, it brought America together.

fartknocker February 10, 2011 at 1:56 pm

I got nothing in snark. I'm just happy that given the goofy shit this week between KKK license plates in Alabama, a NY representative shopping for sexy fun on Craigslist, and Xtine starting a new PAC, it's good to see Gabby recovering and and John Douchebag Kyl carrying his lying ass out of DC.

My concern is the Palin family. Now that brisket thighs Bristol has her a bung-a-low in Maricopa, I can see her Mom considering establishing AZ residency to run for senate.

Thanks for some good news Jack.

horsedreamer_1 February 11, 2011 at 10:23 am

Mc Cain-Palin together, again, as Senior & Junior Senator. It will be bigger than Simon & Garfunkel playing Central Park… in… whatever year that was.

LionelHutzEsq February 10, 2011 at 1:57 pm

What does it say about Arizona that a person suffering brain damage from being shot in the head is the best candidate that either party can come up with?

Wait, I just answered by own question.

DustBowlBlues February 10, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Glad to see this vicious, lying, stoopid moran go but let's face it: If Giffords won, what would happen to her seat? And seriously, there is about as much chance of AZ electing a not crazy, or even a decent human being, as there is of such a thing happening in Oklahoma. Kindred spirits, but we beat them to the Sharia law ban. Next up for OK, the zombie invasion fence. Beat that, Arizona.

LionelHutzEsq February 10, 2011 at 4:15 pm

In all fairness, if the Arizona GOP runs some far right crazy tea bagger, a good, solid moderate Democrat would have a shot. It is not that everyone in Arizona has had their brains baked out by the sun. Plus, I still have faith that Arizona just wants to be the Florida of the West, not the Oklahoma.

assistantatlas February 11, 2011 at 6:56 pm

Well, Republicans could end up nominating JD Hayworth, and might be just insane and corrupt enough to actually lose to a living American hero/superwoman who has a D by her name.

Extemporanus™ February 10, 2011 at 2:36 pm

As long as she didn't ask for burnt toast, I'll take that as very good news.

PublicLuxury February 10, 2011 at 2:59 pm

If SHE decides to run. . . fine. Opportunistic assholes go to the back of the room and put your head down. We don't want to see you.

metamarcisf February 10, 2011 at 3:06 pm

This is good news for Ben Quayle. Don't believe it? Just wait.

horsedreamer_1 February 11, 2011 at 10:24 am

That means he should be the VP pick in 2016.

[cues Propellerheads]

Wadisay February 10, 2011 at 4:58 pm

I think what she actually said was, that guy with the gun is friggin' toast when I get my hands on him.

Limeylizzie February 10, 2011 at 5:42 pm

I have little snark re. Gabby, but I really hope that when she makes her first statement about the shooting she just says "That cunt Palin is responsible ".

the_onceler February 10, 2011 at 5:51 pm

Bristol Palin for Senator?

Jukesgrrl February 12, 2011 at 12:02 am

A girl can dream, can't she?

Negropolis February 11, 2011 at 3:40 am

Sweet Baby Jeebus. Can't they wait before she forms a coherent paragraph before dragging her back out into the flay? Honestly, this isn't even funny, and I'm getting really tired of them revealing every little detail about her recovery. Let this woman heal for goodness sake. It feels like a total invasion of her privacy, an exploitation. I'd much rather not hear anything until she recovers to the point that she wants to tell us something.

PabaBritannica February 11, 2011 at 8:51 am

I can't help but wonder if he would be doing this if Giffords was up walking around and healthy…my cynicism towards the GOP knows no bounds.

MinAgain February 11, 2011 at 11:05 am

Gabby, hon, I hope you recover quickly and completely, so you can bitch slap every single "official" involved in this.

Jukesgrrl February 12, 2011 at 12:00 am

I thought maybe there was a secret investigation going on until he told the Arizona press (or what passes for it) that he would say "yes" if the Republicans wanted him for Vice President.

Jukesgrrl February 12, 2011 at 12:02 am

Who needs a head to be in the Senate?

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