uncompassionate bloggerism

Guy Who Says He Had Sex With Nikki Haley Writes Book, Releases Excerpt

White shirt: the new blue dress? We need a blacklight.Nikki Haley is now governor of South Carolina, despite being brown and despite allegations that she posted her genitals on some South Carolina blogger guy’s genital site. That guy, Will Folks, will be releasing a book about doing sex things with Haley at some point, but for now, he’s posted an excerpt. (“Sexcerpt”? Is that what they call this sort of thing on the blogs?) Here’s a choice quote: “John Mayer’s “Slow Dancing In a Burning Room” played on her CD changer.” Gubernatorial! Another: “After sliding the front seats of her SUV as far back as they would go, Nikki climbed on top of me – rubbing her crotch back and forth over the growing bulge in my pants while I groped her ass and ran my hands through her hair and up and down her back.” EWW, NIKKI HALEY HAS BACK HAIR? Oh, we misread that.

Nikki and I kissed even harder and heavier than we had before (away from the lights of the Vista, we weren’t worried about people seeing us here), and at one point I slid my hands under her turtleneck and felt her breasts over the black bra she was wearing. […]

Nikki told me that night that she had never been unfaithful to her husband – and that up until that evening she had never so much as kissed another man before.

According to this bro, more sexiness happened before the Palmetto-scented lovers finally seceded from each other. So if that interests you, please buy this man’s dirty beach novel.

Anyway, if there’s any way any of this can be proven, Nikki Haley will be the last person with brown skin or a vagina to be elected governor of that state for at least 500 years. [FITS News]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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    1. SorosBot

      Is Penthouse forum still around? It's one of those things that should be obsolete in the internet age.

  1. nounverb911

    "and at one point I slid my hands under her turtleneck and felt her breasts over the black bra she was wearing. "

    Gives new meaning to exploring the Appalachian trail.

  2. OneDollarJuana

    And when is a tell-all book coming out that talks about Mitch McConnell's illicit lover sliding his/her hands under his turtleneck?

  3. MARCdMan

    She must have not gotten the memo that SC gubernatorial sexytime is restricted to fact-finding missions to South America or the Appalachian Trail

  4. SmutBoffin

    Dear Mr. Folks,

    Thank you for your submission to The Penthouse Forum. While your missive was properly formatted, our Editorial Board has identified the following shortcomings in its content:

    1) the setting (parking lot) is too banal for our readership's jaded tastes; we recommend changing it to a beach resort or tire-balancing center,

    2) the phrase "I never thought it would happen to me…" is absent, and

    3) no anal.

    Thank you and we await your revised manuscript.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      "Nikki told me that night that "'I never thought it would happen to me… – and that up until that evening she had never "' had anal with'"another man before.""


    2. PalinPussyPower

      Dear Penthouse Forum,
      Enclosed please find a revised version of my previous submission. I have included your suggested changes to the content. Additionally, I have included an excerpt from my next submission, "The One Where Ann Coulter Jerks Me Off Under the Table at CPAC". I'm certain you'll find it riveting.
      Will Folks
      P.S., I'm told that my nom de plume isn't catchy enough. I mistakenly assumed that people would understand "Will" means MY PENIS and "Folks" was a clever way of saying FUCKS. Suggestions for a new name are welcome.

      1. LionelHutzEsq

        Dear Mr. Folks. Thank you for your resent submission. However, if we published every letter we received about Ann Coulter or other male prostitutes jerking off Conservative Men, we would have no room for any of the good stuff.


        Penthouse Forum Ed.

  5. Weenus299

    How did he know then that the bra was black? Over-adjectivized. He just shoulda said "I boned her in the shittiest part of Columbia."

  6. Weenus299

    "I slid my hands under her turtleneck and felt her breasts over the black bra she was wearing. […]"

    He slid his hands in under her turtleneck, rather than at her waist? Her breasts were over the black bra? And yeah, the bra was black before he saw it?

  7. jmarsh04

    After reading that excerpt, I so wish I could have an affair with a Governor.

    I wonder what Chris Christie's doing this weekend.

    1. prommie

      Eating, thats a safe bet; he has to consume over 300 pounds of food a day to maintain his weight and provide the energy to yell constantly.

    2. Negropolis

      The only GILF (Governor I'd like to fuck) for me was my state's previous governor, Jennifer Granholm. But, alas, she was term limited and off to California.

    1. LionelHutzEsq

      Or he is planning a exorcism for Gov. Haley to rid her of the sexy, sexy demons that make her girl parts moist and pulsate.

  8. chascates

    Bill O'Reilly's novels have more hotness:
    "Ashley was now wearing only brief white panties. She had signaled her desire by removing her shirt and skirt, and by leaning back on the couch. She closed her eyes, concentrating on nothing but Shannon's tongue and lips. He gently teased her by licking the areas around her most sensitive erogenous zone. Then he slipped her panties down her legs and, within seconds, his tongue was inside her, moving rapidly."

    1. Weenus299

      "He gently teased her by licking the areas around her most sensitive erogenous zone."

      The deep chasm of her right armpit.

    2. alfred light

      Yes. ol' Bill-o has a way with writing dirty:

      Robo used his "product" only occasionally, but tonight was special. He had two fifteen-year-old girls who would do anything for the drug, and he was determined to exploit the situation."
      "Say, baby, put that pipe down and get my pipe up," Robo said to one of the girls. She was so intoxicated she had trouble standing, but Robo was her sugar daddy, as he sat in a filthy, imitation leather couch, there in the living room of a run-down three-room apartment, she obediently performed oral sex on him.

  9. LionelHutzEsq

    Wait, Before she kissed Mr. Folks, she has never kissed another man? Even her husband?

    And how could he tell her bra was black while he was feeling her up under her sweater?

    I think this is just an attempt by the Haley team to tart her up so that she can compete with the likes of Sarah Palin and Christine O'Donnell on the national stage. I'm sure, in reality, that Gov. Halley, like most Republican Women, doesn't care for sex, and spends most of their time being beards for Republican Men who are busy with pages, interns and hookers who can fulfil their romantic abnormalities, ones so unbelievable that they must be hidden from the public at all cost.

        1. FNMA

          I remember you from such movies as "Here Comes The Metric System" and "Get Confident, Stupid!"

          OK. I'll stop now…

    1. MrsBiggTime

      Around the moon? Ate too much? Aggregate Trailer Mass? Able Toastmaster? Adobe Typeface Manager? Another terrible mistake?
      Google's not much help here. Oh, wait a minute. Eeewww!

      1. alfred light

        At least he didn't mention the shower. And I don't mean the one in the bathtub.

        Okay, yes, I'm going to go stand in that corner over there for 20 minutes as punishment.

    1. Extemporanus™

      You know who else liked to listen to John Mayer while having an affair?

      That's right: John Edwards.

  10. __kth__

    I don't know whether to believe or not. On the one hand, she's markedly hotter than the dude. On the other, she's a person of color and a Republican, so it's a pretty safe bet she has self-esteem/self-image issues.

    1. hagajim

      I don't know…my wife is markedly hotter than me and she lets me rub my hands across her black bra – sometimes.

    1. Ducksworthy

      I love it. Nikki the Sikh Minx. I think if all else fails she would have a great career in the pron industry.

    2. Rosie_Scenario

      Susie Coelho. Former host of "Suprise Gardener" on HGTV and ex of the late Sonny Bono. Too soon?

  11. LionelHutzEsq

    Since we all picked up on this, maybe we are mistaken. Maybe he meant that she had a bra on that a black person would wear?

  12. SmutBoffin

    "She had signaled her desire by semaphore, her lithe body adopting the different configurations with practiced ease. Her flags spelled out 'F A L A F E L _ M E _ S A I L O R', but her nautical burlesque conveyed its own message…"

    1. V572625694

      Or…Her prehensile labia clapped out the familiar dot-dash pattern of Morse Code:  F-U-C-K_I-T_D-O_I-T_L-I-V-E

  13. hagajim

    Is there anything in there discussing how she rupped his shiny head…whichever one….spewyuck paneer.

    1. CapnFatback

      Here, weapons which may typically be viewed as symbols of violence are convereted to tools for peace. Our creativity and knowledge expressed through words and sketches are the best means to get our points across, not through force and/or violence – a strong message conveyed by the designer.

      Nope, not Neilist.

      1. OneTrueLiberal

        Oh, how amusing. Once again my fellow TrueLiberals — all unbelievers — paraphrase Isaiah 2:4 again.

        Not that peace has ever occurred in World History — unless at the point of a sword.



  14. samsuncle

    "…ran my hands through her hair and up and down her back." According to a friend of mine who looks at lots of porn those Indian ladies are quite hirsute. Personally, I don't know if this is true or not. Really.

  15. prommie

    Geek Love. Power is such an aphrodisiac that it can drive nerdy student-council-type scold-y overachieving dorks to copulate just like regular people. He remembers in such incredible detail because it was the high point of his life, because he was having actual sex with a woman who didn't have an inflation valve, and because of his proximity to power. His freinds got tired of hearing all this every time he had three beers, so now we all get to enjoy The Story Of When Will Got Laid by a State Senator!

  16. MrsBiggTime

    The excerpt was released early, or, if you will, prematurely. It was followed by a soothing "not your fault."

  17. SorosBot

    So the dude has an affair with someone who's now famous, and decides to exploit it with a tell-all book describing in detail every sexual thing they've done together. Class act. Something tells me he might have problems getting women to sleep with him after this.

    1. Ducksworthy

      Not in the circles he seems to run in. There a lots of famewhores out there who'll love him up for text.

    2. cheaphits

      Probably just like he did before this.

      He's a true low-life, but I have never understood exactly what politicians sex lives have to do with their ability to govern, but Nikki could do better, but then sometimes you get what need, not what you want.

      1. SorosBot

        Unlike most of the women wingnuts love to fap to, Nikki does actually look pretty good; while the blogger dude looks really skeevy; yeah she should be able to much finer quality adultery.

  18. Extemporanus™

    I just discovered something, you guys: Will Folks "Tome of Love" is just a poorly executed, super unsexy, line-for-line rewrite of "Darling Nikki" by Prince!

    "Wanna grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind," indeed.

  19. Gopherit

    "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room" is a frenetic car fuck anthem if ever there was one. Also, it's four minutes long. Dude should have at least said it was Free Bird.

  20. DashboardBuddha

    She's going to counter with her own book: Sex With a Human Thumb: Humiliation, Disappointment, and Despair in the Modern Age.

  21. PublicLuxury

    Did this happen in THIS decade? Sex in an automobile is usually reserved for nimble teenage horny buggers.

  22. zappadoo76

    From the article: "Nikki told me that night that she had never been unfaithful to her husband –and that up until that evening she had never so much as kissed another man before."

    Chalk one up for bald guys.

  23. carlgt1

    it's amazing how people, well presumably "ghostwriters" can pad out something to the length of a novel. I mean this should all have been a one paragraph letter in Penthouse.

  24. ChessieNefercat

    Yes! Urban Dictionary is so helpful! I've learned many new words from my Wonkette, most of which I never have the opportunity (or desire) to use! And then I blush and have to slam the dictionary closed, or I would if it were an actual book.

  25. ChessieNefercat

    Ooh, a sex column, with a pretty lady, and?!

    And the discussion is all about Mr. Bloggerdolt, Mitch McConnell, Mitch McConnell's lover, Bobby Jindal, Meatloaf, Chris Christie, Bill O'Reilly, Ross Douthat, Lindsey Graham, Oily Titz and Bill O'Reilly porn samples and bloggerdolt's porn samples.

    Okay Wonkette, I understand, the clickies just don't bring in enough spare change, I hope you make lots of money with your abstinence-only curriculum that works (photoshop these people into any porn movie, play it in high school auditoriums throughout the land and watch the average age of losing one's virginity skyrocket).

  26. philpjfry

    So this guy has sex with Nikki and that is the high point of his life, sad, and he wrote an entire book about the one time??? Jackass. The only people worse than him are the ones who buy it.

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