UNCOMPASSIONATE BLOGGERISM  1:20 pm February 10, 2011

Guy Who Says He Had Sex With Nikki Haley Writes Book, Releases Excerpt

by Jack Stuef

White shirt: the new blue dress? We need a blacklight.Nikki Haley is now governor of South Carolina, despite being brown and despite allegations that she posted her genitals on some South Carolina blogger guy’s genital site. That guy, Will Folks, will be releasing a book about doing sex things with Haley at some point, but for now, he’s posted an excerpt. (“Sexcerpt”? Is that what they call this sort of thing on the blogs?) Here’s a choice quote: “John Mayer’s “Slow Dancing In a Burning Room” played on her CD changer.” Gubernatorial! Another: “After sliding the front seats of her SUV as far back as they would go, Nikki climbed on top of me – rubbing her crotch back and forth over the growing bulge in my pants while I groped her ass and ran my hands through her hair and up and down her back.” EWW, NIKKI HALEY HAS BACK HAIR? Oh, we misread that.

Nikki and I kissed even harder and heavier than we had before (away from the lights of the Vista, we weren’t worried about people seeing us here), and at one point I slid my hands under her turtleneck and felt her breasts over the black bra she was wearing. [...]

Nikki told me that night that she had never been unfaithful to her husband – and that up until that evening she had never so much as kissed another man before.

According to this bro, more sexiness happened before the Palmetto-scented lovers finally seceded from each other. So if that interests you, please buy this man’s dirty beach novel.

Anyway, if there’s any way any of this can be proven, Nikki Haley will be the last person with brown skin or a vagina to be elected governor of that state for at least 500 years. [FITS News]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 140 comments }

OneDollarJuana February 10, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Eeeeewwww! Straight sex in a car. Yuk.

Unless it's me, of course.

Zvi_Bleindmeis February 10, 2011 at 1:24 pm

The bra apparently had a braille inscription identifying it as black.

user-of-owls February 10, 2011 at 1:29 pm

I think Michelle Bachmann and the Blind Boys of Alabama had something to do with that.

Lascauxcaveman February 10, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Macramè turtleneck, perhaps?

Pragmatist2 February 10, 2011 at 2:33 pm

This South Carolina. They know the difference between whitevand black – especially in the dark

Zvi_Bleindmeis February 10, 2011 at 3:40 pm

As it happens, I speak fluent braille. Two large bumps 12-14 inches apart mean "black bra."

deanbooth February 10, 2011 at 5:34 pm

In SC, a braille inscription identifies bras as Colored.

freakishlywrong February 10, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Can projectile vomit stain that industrial carpet that they have in offices?

bumfug February 10, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Worst Penthouse letter ever.

CZL February 10, 2011 at 2:05 pm

I know. I'm still flaccid. Needs more Thai ladyboys or something.

JustPixelz February 10, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Needless to say…

SorosBot February 10, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Is Penthouse forum still around? It's one of those things that should be obsolete in the internet age.

nounverb911 February 10, 2011 at 1:25 pm

"and at one point I slid my hands under her turtleneck and felt her breasts over the black bra she was wearing. "

Gives new meaning to exploring the Appalachian trail.

OneDollarJuana February 10, 2011 at 1:26 pm

And when is a tell-all book coming out that talks about Mitch McConnell's illicit lover sliding his/her hands under his turtleneck?

alfred light February 10, 2011 at 1:39 pm

I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

freakishlywrong February 10, 2011 at 1:43 pm

I just threw up in my office. A lot.

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] February 10, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Well thanks, Juana, I think I'm asexual now.

samsuncle February 10, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Great comment. I'll bet that Mitch would even get a chuckle out of it.

LionelHutzEsq February 10, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Impossible! Turtles don't have hands.

BornInATrailer February 10, 2011 at 1:58 pm

What Leonardo's sketch would have looked like if McConnell had been cast in Titanic.
http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTJlXMcZA

MozakiBlocks February 10, 2011 at 3:49 pm

DO NOT WANT!!!

PalinPussyPower February 10, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Isn't Mark Sanford into the dark meat? These two should go for a hike together.

Mumbletypeg February 10, 2011 at 1:27 pm

I'll call him on his sexceptionalism for even thinking he can write a lust-worthy line.

alfred light February 10, 2011 at 1:39 pm

He would be laughed out of the Harlequin Romance Novels office.

MARCdMan February 10, 2011 at 1:27 pm

She must have not gotten the memo that SC gubernatorial sexytime is restricted to fact-finding missions to South America or the Appalachian Trail

SmutBoffin February 10, 2011 at 1:28 pm

Dear Mr. Folks,

Thank you for your submission to The Penthouse Forum. While your missive was properly formatted, our Editorial Board has identified the following shortcomings in its content:

1) the setting (parking lot) is too banal for our readership's jaded tastes; we recommend changing it to a beach resort or tire-balancing center,

2) the phrase "I never thought it would happen to me…" is absent, and

3) no anal.

Thank you and we await your revised manuscript.

OneDollarJuana February 10, 2011 at 1:32 pm

"Nikki told me that night that "'I never thought it would happen to me… – and that up until that evening she had never "' had anal with'"another man before.""

/fixed

SmutBoffin February 10, 2011 at 1:34 pm

AT A TIRE-BALANCING CENTER THE END

PalinPussyPower February 10, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Dear Penthouse Forum,
Enclosed please find a revised version of my previous submission. I have included your suggested changes to the content. Additionally, I have included an excerpt from my next submission, "The One Where Ann Coulter Jerks Me Off Under the Table at CPAC". I'm certain you'll find it riveting.
Regards,
Will Folks
P.S., I'm told that my nom de plume isn't catchy enough. I mistakenly assumed that people would understand "Will" means MY PENIS and "Folks" was a clever way of saying FUCKS. Suggestions for a new name are welcome.

LionelHutzEsq February 10, 2011 at 4:19 pm

Dear Mr. Folks. Thank you for your resent submission. However, if we published every letter we received about Ann Coulter or other male prostitutes jerking off Conservative Men, we would have no room for any of the good stuff.

Yours,

Penthouse Forum Ed.

OneDollarJuana February 10, 2011 at 1:28 pm

So her breasts were hanging over her bra? Why wear the bra? I'm so confused.

CapnFatback February 10, 2011 at 1:40 pm

NIKKI HALEY'S BREASTS CANNOT BE CONTAINED!

horsedreamer_1 February 10, 2011 at 1:28 pm

Haley's comin'.

Weenus299 February 10, 2011 at 1:28 pm

How did he know then that the bra was black? Over-adjectivized. He just shoulda said "I boned her in the shittiest part of Columbia."

sweetcommunist February 10, 2011 at 1:31 pm

the shittiest part of Columbia

That is a terrible euphemism for Nikki Haley's butt. For shame.

BornInATrailer February 10, 2011 at 1:54 pm

No Kidding. I know she's "ethnic" looking, but she's not from anywhere close to South America.

Preferred Customer February 10, 2011 at 6:20 pm

…and thus are new entries in the Urban Dictionary born.

Jerri February 10, 2011 at 2:05 pm

You kids and your slang talk. Just say "pooper."

Negropolis February 11, 2011 at 1:49 am

"shittiest part of Columbia"

Which one? That's not descriptive enough.

nounverb911 February 10, 2011 at 1:28 pm

Lindsey must be jealous, he wanted Folks' hand in his black bra.

alfred light February 10, 2011 at 1:41 pm

I guess he just doesn't care for the taste of Ham Biscuits.

user-of-owls February 10, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Feeling Black is this generation's Seeing Russia From My Porch.

Eve8Apples February 10, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Time to cue Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."

SmutBoffin February 10, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Eh, it's better than Ross Douthat…

Weenus299 February 10, 2011 at 1:32 pm

"I slid my hands under her turtleneck and felt her breasts over the black bra she was wearing. [...]"

He slid his hands in under her turtleneck, rather than at her waist? Her breasts were over the black bra? And yeah, the bra was black before he saw it?

jmarsh04 February 10, 2011 at 1:33 pm

After reading that excerpt, I so wish I could have an affair with a Governor.

I wonder what Chris Christie's doing this weekend.

Weenus299 February 10, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Haley Barbour would be offal. I mean awful.

nounverb911 February 10, 2011 at 1:39 pm

If there's a snowstorm, he'll be at Disneyworld.

Manhattan123 February 10, 2011 at 2:01 pm

I'm guessing eating a cheese sandwich.

OneDollarJuana February 10, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Or Chris Gregoire?

prommie February 10, 2011 at 2:36 pm

Eating, thats a safe bet; he has to consume over 300 pounds of food a day to maintain his weight and provide the energy to yell constantly.

DashboardBuddha February 10, 2011 at 2:39 pm

I betcha he has a hairy back I betcha

Preferred Customer February 10, 2011 at 6:21 pm

Possibly also a black bra.

bumfug February 10, 2011 at 2:44 pm

He's got a date with Little Debbie.

Negropolis February 11, 2011 at 1:51 am

The only GILF (Governor I'd like to fuck) for me was my state's previous governor, Jennifer Granholm. But, alas, she was term limited and off to California.

alfred light February 10, 2011 at 1:33 pm

I bet Bobby Jindal wishes he had such sexy scandals! Yeah, baby!

LionelHutzEsq February 10, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Or he is planning a exorcism for Gov. Haley to rid her of the sexy, sexy demons that make her girl parts moist and pulsate.

Negropolis February 11, 2011 at 1:52 am

Piyush wouldn't even know what to do with Ms. Governor Haley Berry.

chascates February 10, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Bill O'Reilly's novels have more hotness:
"Ashley was now wearing only brief white panties. She had signaled her desire by removing her shirt and skirt, and by leaning back on the couch. She closed her eyes, concentrating on nothing but Shannon's tongue and lips. He gently teased her by licking the areas around her most sensitive erogenous zone. Then he slipped her panties down her legs and, within seconds, his tongue was inside her, moving rapidly."

Weenus299 February 10, 2011 at 1:46 pm

"He gently teased her by licking the areas around her most sensitive erogenous zone."

The deep chasm of her right armpit.

Dudleydidwrong February 10, 2011 at 11:05 pm

The deep and hairy chasm of her right armpit.

alfred light February 10, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Yes. ol' Bill-o has a way with writing dirty:

Robo used his "product" only occasionally, but tonight was special. He had two fifteen-year-old girls who would do anything for the drug, and he was determined to exploit the situation."
"Say, baby, put that pipe down and get my pipe up," Robo said to one of the girls. She was so intoxicated she had trouble standing, but Robo was her sugar daddy, as he sat in a filthy, imitation leather couch, there in the living room of a run-down three-room apartment, she obediently performed oral sex on him.

CapnFatback February 10, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Oh, but why settle for the written word, when you can hear the author read his masterful prose?

NorthStarSpanx February 10, 2011 at 1:58 pm

alfred light, why are you writing about Bristol's new place already?

Pop_Socket February 10, 2011 at 2:21 pm

Needs more felafels.

Chet Kincaid February 10, 2011 at 4:08 pm

You call that sexy? It sounds like Tom Clancy describing black ops.

LionelHutzEsq February 10, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Wait, Before she kissed Mr. Folks, she has never kissed another man? Even her husband?

And how could he tell her bra was black while he was feeling her up under her sweater?

I think this is just an attempt by the Haley team to tart her up so that she can compete with the likes of Sarah Palin and Christine O'Donnell on the national stage. I'm sure, in reality, that Gov. Halley, like most Republican Women, doesn't care for sex, and spends most of their time being beards for Republican Men who are busy with pages, interns and hookers who can fulfil their romantic abnormalities, ones so unbelievable that they must be hidden from the public at all cost.

FNMA February 10, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Fish fetish?

LionelHutzEsq February 10, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Gay? I wish……

Just channeling my other persona.

FNMA February 10, 2011 at 4:30 pm

I remember you from such movies as "Here Comes The Metric System" and "Get Confident, Stupid!"

OK. I'll stop now…

Serolf_Divad February 10, 2011 at 1:34 pm

Sorry, but no half-naked, taken in a mirror, cameraphone picture, no grand prize.

tribbzthesquidz February 10, 2011 at 1:34 pm

Up until that evening she had never had her temperature taken that way.

Texan_Bulldog February 10, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Ummmm…yuck!

BornInATrailer February 10, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Description of Nikki going ATM or GTFO.

MrsBiggTime February 10, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Around the moon? Ate too much? Aggregate Trailer Mass? Able Toastmaster? Adobe Typeface Manager? Another terrible mistake?
Google's not much help here. Oh, wait a minute. Eeewww!

alfred light February 10, 2011 at 2:00 pm

At least he didn't mention the shower. And I don't mean the one in the bathtub.

Okay, yes, I'm going to go stand in that corner over there for 20 minutes as punishment.

Pop_Socket February 10, 2011 at 2:23 pm
alfred light February 10, 2011 at 1:38 pm

Indeed, he nailed it.

/ducks rotten tomatoes and banana cream pies

LionelHutzEsq February 10, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Great minds, eh?

Extemporanus™ February 10, 2011 at 1:40 pm

This "news" has no doubt been noted elsewhere by now.

AtwatersGhost February 10, 2011 at 1:40 pm

John Mayer? How old are these…lovers?

Extemporanus™ February 10, 2011 at 1:56 pm

You know who else liked to listen to John Mayer while having an affair?

That's right: John Edwards.

LionelHutzEsq February 10, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Damn, I actually had money on Hitler on this one.

__kth__ February 10, 2011 at 1:42 pm

I don't know whether to believe or not. On the one hand, she's markedly hotter than the dude. On the other, she's a person of color and a Republican, so it's a pretty safe bet she has self-esteem/self-image issues.

hagajim February 10, 2011 at 1:48 pm

I don't know…my wife is markedly hotter than me and she lets me rub my hands across her black bra – sometimes.

LionelHutzEsq February 10, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Plus straight Republican men under 80 has to be a fairly small subset.

ManchuCandidate February 10, 2011 at 1:43 pm

So if the pron (sic) movie is made… who stars in this?

Sunny Leone as Sikh minx Nikki.

Ducksworthy February 10, 2011 at 1:54 pm

I love it. Nikki the Sikh Minx. I think if all else fails she would have a great career in the pron industry.

Rosie_Scenario February 10, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Susie Coelho. Former host of "Suprise Gardener" on HGTV and ex of the late Sonny Bono. Too soon?

Negropolis February 11, 2011 at 2:02 am

Nikki "Sihk Minx" Haley

I think we just found a new meme.

LionelHutzEsq February 10, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Since we all picked up on this, maybe we are mistaken. Maybe he meant that she had a bra on that a black person would wear?

Weenus299 February 10, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Yyyyyeah, but once you feel up her back, you never go black.

SmutBoffin February 10, 2011 at 1:45 pm

"She had signaled her desire by semaphore, her lithe body adopting the different configurations with practiced ease. Her flags spelled out 'F A L A F E L _ M E _ S A I L O R', but her nautical burlesque conveyed its own message…"

V572625694 February 10, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Or…Her prehensile labia clapped out the familiar dot-dash pattern of Morse Code:  F-U-C-K_I-T_D-O_I-T_L-I-V-E

Chet Kincaid February 10, 2011 at 4:09 pm

That is insanely funny.

Rotundo_ February 10, 2011 at 8:08 pm

Best comment of the day.

MinAgain February 10, 2011 at 1:46 pm

He wouldn't even spring for a cheap motel? What a loser.

alfred light February 10, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Well the CPAC people had probably just come through town, so the bedbugs were still rampant.

ttommyunger February 10, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Cue Banjo Duet, fade to black, snack of Moon Pies, R C Colas and cigarettes.

hagajim February 10, 2011 at 1:47 pm

Is there anything in there discussing how she rupped his shiny head…whichever one….spewyuck paneer.

OzoneTom February 10, 2011 at 1:53 pm

That's sikh!

Weenus299 February 10, 2011 at 1:48 pm

The level of dumbth in South Carolina. Sweetly astounding.

weejee February 10, 2011 at 1:49 pm

OT

Neilist may have gotten into the notebook biz.

These suckas would sell like hotcakes over at the bedbuggy CootiePAC.

CapnFatback February 10, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Here, weapons which may typically be viewed as symbols of violence are convereted to tools for peace. Our creativity and knowledge expressed through words and sketches are the best means to get our points across, not through force and/or violence – a strong message conveyed by the designer.

Nope, not Neilist.

OneTrueLiberal February 11, 2011 at 7:49 pm

Oh, how amusing. Once again my fellow TrueLiberals — all unbelievers — paraphrase Isaiah 2:4 again.

Not that peace has ever occurred in World History — unless at the point of a sword.

Cordially,

Eleanor

samsuncle February 10, 2011 at 1:49 pm

"…ran my hands through her hair and up and down her back." According to a friend of mine who looks at lots of porn those Indian ladies are quite hirsute. Personally, I don't know if this is true or not. Really.

baconzgood February 10, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Worst re-write of Tropic of Cancer EVER.

prommie February 10, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Geek Love. Power is such an aphrodisiac that it can drive nerdy student-council-type scold-y overachieving dorks to copulate just like regular people. He remembers in such incredible detail because it was the high point of his life, because he was having actual sex with a woman who didn't have an inflation valve, and because of his proximity to power. His freinds got tired of hearing all this every time he had three beers, so now we all get to enjoy The Story Of When Will Got Laid by a State Senator!

DerrickWildcat February 10, 2011 at 2:01 pm

All you need to do is look at the picture to tell that they totally did it.

MrsBiggTime February 10, 2011 at 2:01 pm

The excerpt was released early, or, if you will, prematurely. It was followed by a soothing "not your fault."

SorosBot February 10, 2011 at 2:01 pm

So the dude has an affair with someone who's now famous, and decides to exploit it with a tell-all book describing in detail every sexual thing they've done together. Class act. Something tells me he might have problems getting women to sleep with him after this.

Ducksworthy February 10, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Not in the circles he seems to run in. There a lots of famewhores out there who'll love him up for text.

cheaphits February 10, 2011 at 2:24 pm

Probably just like he did before this.

He's a true low-life, but I have never understood exactly what politicians sex lives have to do with their ability to govern, but Nikki could do better, but then sometimes you get what need, not what you want.

SorosBot February 10, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Unlike most of the women wingnuts love to fap to, Nikki does actually look pretty good; while the blogger dude looks really skeevy; yeah she should be able to much finer quality adultery.

Pop_Socket February 10, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Or before this.

Extemporanus™ February 10, 2011 at 2:04 pm

I just discovered something, you guys: Will Folks "Tome of Love" is just a poorly executed, super unsexy, line-for-line rewrite of "Darling Nikki" by Prince!

"Wanna grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind," indeed.

BornInATrailer February 10, 2011 at 2:05 pm

"..so I said "Open sesame!" And she did."

mavenmaven February 10, 2011 at 2:05 pm

His sign should read "Will Folks For Money".

Ducksworthy February 10, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Mmmm. Like to get me some of that sweet brown Nikki Nookie.

johnnymeatworth February 10, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Is "releases excerpt" an metaphor for ejaculation?

Gopherit February 10, 2011 at 2:07 pm

"Slow Dancing in a Burning Room" is a frenetic car fuck anthem if ever there was one. Also, it's four minutes long. Dude should have at least said it was Free Bird.

Eve8Apples February 10, 2011 at 2:08 pm

…and a persistent vaginal rash.

Warpde February 10, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Wow, I'm heading to South Carolina.
If she's willing to polish baldies cue think of the possibilities.

OneDollarJuana February 10, 2011 at 2:18 pm

"Stanky-panky" is her pancreas?

JustPixelz February 10, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Something's going up.

Pop_Socket February 10, 2011 at 2:20 pm

USFB: under skirt finger bang.

JustPixelz February 10, 2011 at 2:21 pm

Obviously after Mr. Folks, she never wanted another man.

DashboardBuddha February 10, 2011 at 2:22 pm

She's going to counter with her own book: Sex With a Human Thumb: Humiliation, Disappointment, and Despair in the Modern Age.

Extemporanus™ February 10, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Thumb goes in, Thumb goes out. Thumb goes up, Thumb goes down. (Thumb thing like that…)

mrblifil February 10, 2011 at 2:34 pm

Apparently Nikki isn't picky.

PublicLuxury February 10, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Did this happen in THIS decade? Sex in an automobile is usually reserved for nimble teenage horny buggers.

SaintRond February 10, 2011 at 3:02 pm

I wonder if she's as "tight and wet" as Orly Taitz.
http://wonkette.com/412157/heres-some-great-news-

zappadoo76 February 10, 2011 at 3:06 pm

From the article: "Nikki told me that night that she had never been unfaithful to her husband –and that up until that evening she had never so much as kissed another man before."

Chalk one up for bald guys.

Wilcoxyz February 10, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Bad erotica makes me Sikh.

carlgt1 February 10, 2011 at 3:38 pm

it's amazing how people, well presumably "ghostwriters" can pad out something to the length of a novel. I mean this should all have been a one paragraph letter in Penthouse.

ChessieNefercat February 10, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Yes! Urban Dictionary is so helpful! I've learned many new words from my Wonkette, most of which I never have the opportunity (or desire) to use! And then I blush and have to slam the dictionary closed, or I would if it were an actual book.

ChessieNefercat February 10, 2011 at 4:16 pm

Ooh, a sex column, with a pretty lady, and?!

And the discussion is all about Mr. Bloggerdolt, Mitch McConnell, Mitch McConnell's lover, Bobby Jindal, Meatloaf, Chris Christie, Bill O'Reilly, Ross Douthat, Lindsey Graham, Oily Titz and Bill O'Reilly porn samples and bloggerdolt's porn samples.

Okay Wonkette, I understand, the clickies just don't bring in enough spare change, I hope you make lots of money with your abstinence-only curriculum that works (photoshop these people into any porn movie, play it in high school auditoriums throughout the land and watch the average age of losing one's virginity skyrocket).

philpjfry February 10, 2011 at 5:44 pm

So this guy has sex with Nikki and that is the high point of his life, sad, and he wrote an entire book about the one time??? Jackass. The only people worse than him are the ones who buy it.

EdFlintstone February 10, 2011 at 6:27 pm

I'll wait for Prince's updated Darling Nimrata.

Negropolis February 11, 2011 at 2:04 am

Now, Governor Haley, on this Sarah Palin blow-up doll, show me where he touched you…

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