CPAC Infested With Bedbugs, and Also Actual Blood-Sucking Insects

  really young republicans

Live free or die, bedbugs!The three-legged stool of conservatism is strong and united at CPAC! Yes, as intelligent and alive as a small piece of furniture. However, the stool may not last long, as the hotel they chose, the Marriott Wardham Park, seems to currently be infested with bedbugs. Yes, we knew that, but are there blood-sucking insects there too? Har har har. “I woke up seeing the bed bugs on the bed, on my shirt and even on the bed that I am not using. Unbelievable!!! The hotel staff wasn’t surprised with what happened at all. I will never stay here again,” one visitor wrote recently. Hey, don’t worry about that. That sounds more like Teabaggers than bedbugs.

wake up in the morning and I had all my leg cover with red spot. the bed was full of tiny little blood spot

Seems like English may not be this poster’s first language. Perhaps some conservatives visited in the night and stabbed him or her in the legs, just to be safe that the hotel wouldn’t be bombed?

I attended the AWP Conference from February 2-6 and found a bed bug in my suitcase upon returning home. Had to throw out my suitcase and am now dealing with cleaning everything else I took with me. Don’t stay here.

I found a bed bug in my suitcase upon arriving at home. Today, I found live bugs in my bedroom and laundry room where my suitcase had been.
DO NOT STAY AT THIS HOTEL.

But perhaps the CPAC hotel will be alright, because it seems all the bedbugs have left the place in people’s suitcases in advance of the conference. Even bedbugs are repulsed by Michele Bachmann, it would seem. [The Bedbug Registry]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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97 comments

      1. WIDTAP

        You're some sort of big, fat, smart-bug, aren't you?

        We're in this war for the species, boys and girls. It's simple numbers. They have more. And every day I have to make decisions that send hundreds of people like you to their deaths.

  1. SorosBot

    Why do think the hotel booked the convention? They know CPAC is a cure for the bedbug problem, because bedbugs have some sense of integrity and will run away from the delegates.

  2. Oblios_Cap

    There a most likely a large number of CPAC delegates being drained right now.

    And then the bedbugs are biting them, as well.

  3. CapnFatback

    "I woke up seeing the bed bugs on the bed, on my shirt and even on the bed that I am not using. Unbelievable!!! The hotel staff wasn’t surprised with what happened at all. I will never stay here again,"

    This clearly was written by someone not affiliated with the CPAC conference. Otherwise, that empty bed would be occupied by a tender male intern.

  4. andrewdrinker

    Tonight on Glenn Beck: a chalkboard drawing of how the bedbugs were brought in by secret Muslim Communist Terrorists from the shadow government of the Secret Caliphate of Virginia, which is funded solely by the extra revenue the federal government receives from the Health Care And Reconciliation Act.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Still, I can't help but feel sorry for the people who run the hotel.

      Oh, I mean about the bedbugs, too. They're also pretty horrible.

        1. DustBowlBlues

          Ya' think? Their own value is selfishness. Me, me, me. If you're shitty politically, you're shitty in other aspects of your life. And stoopid. Only liberals are kind, smart, and generous.

  5. PsycWench

    Some of the CPAC-goers may have believed the bugs were approved by The Patriot Act and are thus freedom bugs.

  6. thefrontpage

    From the CPAC Schedule:

    THURSDAY

    9 a.m.-Noon: Lecture, Mark Foley, Larry Craig and Chris Lee: "Republicans and the Internet"

    Noon-1 p.m. Lunch

    1 p.m.-3 p.m.: Naked jello wrestling, hotel recreation room B.

    3-5 p.m.: Photo Shoot: Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin pose nude for anyone who wants to take their pictures. $10 entry fee. Pics are free.

    5-7 p.m. Dinner

    7:30-9:30 p.m.: Movie: "La Cage Aux Folles."

    10 p.m.-Midnight: Party, Hospitality Room, hosted by Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin.

    1. KenLayIsAlive

      3-5pm – Ann Coulter's fairly believable attempt at passing off her cock as a "large clitoris" all comes to naught when she cannot come up with a reasonable explanation for the testicles below it.

      Jesus christ. Anyone know a good shock treatment provider?

  7. littlebigdaddy

    Obv. this hotel was chosen for its proximity to Adams-Morgan and its various establishments catering to a certain swish clientele.

  8. SorosBot

    This story makes me very sad, because there's no indication that these bedbugs are carrying Malaria or the West Nile virus.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Why is it that the very people who see every bad thing that happens is God getting even with the liberals, yet when the almighty sends them a very obvious message in the form of a plague, they don't see that they have brought Bugalypse on themselves?

  9. Crank_Tango

    I took a three-legged stool of conservatism once–I should have taken a picture of it, but I flushed it instead.

  10. Gopherit

    I think you're going to see mass starvation of bedbugs trying to survive getting any blood at all from those soulless undead at CPAC.

    1. SmutBoffin

      They probably taste terrible, too. The Young Republicans especially; probably covered in AXE body spray.

      1. DustBowlBlues

        When my daughter went to the preliminary hearing for the guy who punched her in the face (for being gay), I asked what the assailant looked like. She went through words like douchebag, then settled on "looks like the guy in AXE body sprays ads". It's shorthand for being young, stupid, and ugly.

  11. SmutBoffin

    I await Bryan Fischer's verdict on whether or not these bedbugs are God's blessing or God's curse on the CPAC fornicators.

  12. thefrontpage

    From the CPAC Schedule:

    FRIDAY

    9-11 a.m.: Lecture: Donald Trump and Ted Nugent: "Republicans and the Cult of Personality"

    11-Noon: Variety Show: Michelle Bachmann, Christine O'Donnell and Sarah Palin perform show tunes from the 1950s.

    Noon-1 p.m.: Lunch.

    1:30-3:30 p.m.: Naked Volleyball, hosted by Chris Lee and Ann Coulter. No clothes allowed! Held in recreation room C.

    4-5 p.m.: Lecture: "Republicans, Guns, God and Church," George Will, Charles Krauthammer and Juan Williams

    5-7 p.m.: Dinner.

    7:30-9:30 p.m.: Movies, double-bill: "The Birdcage" and "Midnight Cowboy," hosted by Jon Voight.

    10 p.m.-2 a.m.: Party, Hospitality Room DD, Hosted by Ted Nugent, Jon Voight and Victoria Jackson.

    Please wear your credentials at all times! Have fun!

  13. weejee

    Are they sure they are bedbugs and not just crabs, the proverbial sabertoothed crotch crickets, brought in by the endless stream of hookers?

  14. YasserArraFeck

    Pity the poor bedbugs – they bite into the skin, expecting a warm drought of sweet, sweet plasma, and instead, they get a face-full of hot teabagger bile.
    Oh, the humanity (or lack, thereof)

  15. samsuncle

    Fear not CPACers! Surely the bed bugs have a more refined culinary taste than to dine on republitards.

  16. GeorgiaBurning

    Bedbugs have survived millions of years as professional parasites, sucking the blood of innocent people. CPAC must be envious.

  17. BerkeleyBear

    It's the Wardman Park, something I know only because it hosts the worst job fair in the world (American Association of Law Schools' Faculty Recruitment Conference) every year. I've stayed there before, but not this year. Maybe all those smug assholes who wouldn't give me a callback got infested and spread it to their campuses, so that eventually the bar associations will be both metaphorically and literally crawling with parasites.

    I really wouldn't be surprised if the law school teams brought the bedbugs to the hotels in the first place.

  18. Redhead

    "Yes, as intelligent and alive as a small piece of furniture."

    I would have gone with kitchen table rather than stool…

  19. hagajim

    You have to give credit to Marriot…they knew that these vile little vermin would get bit by the bedbugs and said bedbugs would then die from the venom spewing from their bodies….unless it is gay semen of course….no charge for eradication.

  20. Cicada

    Fun fact: bedbugs practice "traumatic insemination". The males just poke their reproductive organs into the female anywhere convenient and dump their sperm. Sometimes the females are injured or killed if the males poke them in a vital area.

    This is a metaphor for something, I'm sure of it.

    1. edgydrifter

      It's only traumatic when it's being done by insects. When a conservative does it, it's "traditional family values." When a conservative's son does it at a frat party, it's "boys being boys."

  21. carlgt1

    obviously a Muslin plot to undermine the fat crackers of the CPAC who are defending freedom (for the Koch brothers)!

  22. OzoneTom

    That should teach Marriott to host a bagger-fest. They probably didn't have the problem prior to the conference.

    Seems to me that there was a big infestation in the Fox newsroom in N.Y. a while back. Just a co-inky-dink, I'm sure.

    1. meufchelou

      This explains why Dari Alexander always looks wigged out. And I thought it was Ernie all this time. Keep on pluckin….

  23. metamarcisf

    Rumor has it that the bedbugs infesting the Marriot have decided to ask Rep. Chris Lee (R) NY to reconsider.

  24. MinAgain

    See, this is what happens when you tell a new covert agent to bug the hotel. Those newbies are so damn literal.

  25. NorthStarSpanx

    I would think the fundy elements of the attendees would be delighted with this proof that another message from God is hastening the Rapture.

  26. donner_froh

    The hotel staff wasn’t surprised with what happened at all.

    Of course they weren't. When the head of housekeeping learned who had reserved that block of rooms her first thought was: "Its those filthy jerks who bring the bedbugs with them–I guess in this economy you got to rent to whoever has the money."

    People who work in hotels know that certain groups of guests are filthy swine.

    With apologies to Sus domestica.

  27. Badtux

    My guess is that the bedbugs aren't biting the CPAC participants. Professional courtesy, one blood sucker to another, y'know.

  28. zhubajie

    The USA has been getting more and more 3rd world over the last 30 years or so and "conservatives" have been cheering that on. An upsurge of bed bugs are just another stage!

  29. zhubajie

    Do bed bugs carry any interesting diseases? Maybe someone can explain away an STD by saying "The bed bugs gave it to me!"

  30. 15secondrule

    you would think these teabaggers would have bought themselves a couple of allersacs for protection and checked the rooms. jeez how friggin dumb can you be.

  31. E. Joyce

    Elizabeth Hasselbeck called the teaparty candidates "the bedbugs of the Republican Party" so I'm thinking that this is the right hotel for the convention.

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