paperback writer

Mitt Romney Edits His Book To Magically Become Teabagger

Plastic surgery time! Let's fill my face with excrement!In the hardcover edition of Mitt Romney’s second book, No Apology, Mitt saves the Olympics by talking about how important the 2009 stimulus package was and how his plan to force citizens to buy health care was better than Obama’s plan. But like any mittens, Romney is not for all seasons. And when the Republican electorate is not feeling very moderate, he has to cut off a few fingers to make wearing him bearable. (A+++++ mittens analogy, would buy again.) So in the paperback edition of Mitt’s book, the sections on the stimulus and on health care have magically changed! Imagine that! Now he hates the stimulus and Obamacare is evil and even his own health plan was evil, because Democrats made it cover people. Say hello to Anger Mitt Romney, the foaming-at-the-mouth Teabagger. Yeah, good luck pulling that acting job off, Mittens.

The first rewrite excises a relatively even-handed assessment of the 2009 economic-stimulus package. In the original, Romney wrote that it “will accelerate the timing of the start of the recovery, but not as much as it could have.” The paperback pronounces the stimulus “a failure,” and blasts Obama’s “economic missteps” with conservative red-meat language — for example: “This is the first time government has declared war on free enterprise.”

Haha, Mitt thought there was not enough stimulus, and now he thinks there should have been no stimulus. Mitt will invite all the Teabaggers on his yacht, sign copies of his hardcover book, and then burn them all on the deck, calling his old self “The Great Satan.”

But the Massachusetts model has become Romney’s bête noire among conservatives, who loathe the national reform they call “Obamacare.” The rewritten paperback swings much harder, proclaiming that “Obamacare will not work and should be repealed,” and “Obamacare is an unconstitutional federal incursion into the rights of states.”

Other additions in that section blame the Massachusetts legislature for altering his plan, and the current Democratic administration of Governor Deval Patrick for botching the implementation.

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If you look at the fine print, Mitt Romney wanted all Americans to die when they get sick, okay? Can he be president now please? [Boston Phoenix]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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100 comments

  1. Barbara_i

    He's a part time fudge packer too? He's just too gosh darned good looking to be Bogarted by the ladies only.

    1. mourningnmerica

      Andrew Dice Clay said that there is no such thing as "part time" fudge packing. "You're either a fudge packer, or you're not a fudge packer."

    1. Negropolis

      Bareback Mittens, eh? You just gave some age-ravaged porn producer in the Valley the title to his newest release.

    1. DoktorZoom

      See, we knew that Mo Udall really was just joking when he'd close his speeches, "Well, those're my views. And if you don't like 'em…I'll change 'em!"

  2. BornInATrailer

    I mean, you can't even say he doesn't get this internet thing because this isn't a post or tweet or whatever.. the first version is in a BOOK.

    Wow. I can't wait to see that come up during the debates. Someone, and I'd bet money that Ron Paul is first, will have both the hard cover and soft cover on his podium and will read from them.

  3. Amaravilha

    Mitt Romney is doubly opposed to anything you're against, and he stands strongly for whatever it is you stand for. And Ronald Reagan taught him to stand strong on the principle of whatever the goobers are believing at the moment, plus space aliens and golden plates.

    Truly, Mitt Romney is a man of the people, and will bend to their every whim. He is like a reed on the breeze, but only if the reed had its own self-propulsion capacity to go faster.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JY7Hh5PzELo

    1. FNMA

      Abortions for all.
      Very well, no abortions for anyone.
      Hmm… Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others.

      1. Amaravilha

        I guess what I'm trying to say is that, for a person who should be so admirable (has management skills, doesn't divorce his wife, kinda loves his kids, moderate Governor), Mitt Romney sure is one hypocritical, weasly big sad sack of shit.

    2. twogoats

      Consider the Willow tree which draws its strength from its ability to bend and twist with the smallest change in the wind. Yeah, verily, the Lord hath provided well for Mitt Romney.

      1. OneDollarJuana

        My first reaction to your statement was "but they're so different!", but then I began to think "wait a minute, how are they different?", and now I think "what a great idea!", except that Mormons hate the gays (sorry John Travolta).

    1. SorosBot

      And these are the guys who called Clinton a waffler and Kerry a flip-flopper; yet not just Mittens but every once moderate GOP candidate has turned hard right and refudiated their earlier views.

        1. Ducksworthy

          IOKYAR because there is no objective reality, no past, no future. There is only the Zen of Now but without the compassion and ethics.

  4. ManchuCandidate

    How many words must a man strike through,
    before you call him preznit?
    How much bullshit must a Cipher spread,
    before he rules this dumb land?
    And how many principles must Mitt change ,
    before he loses again?

    The answer my friend is Pissing in the wind,
    the answer is Pissing in the wind.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Unfortunately, I believe that Romney has one of the better chances to win the Republican nomination because he has a quality similar to Obama. Obama' carefully chosen language lets his followers believe that Obama believes as they do. Romney's waffling let's his followers believe that what he said most recently is what he believes and that Romney believes as they do. In both cases there is a disconnect between what the candidate stands for (or doesn't) and what his followers believe he does.

  5. FlipOffResearch

    Off topic, but . . .

    Mubarak to step down tonight. MSNBC says it may be a military coup.

    Power to the people.

    Next!

    1. Not_So_Much

      Just heard that the Army has guaranteed the protesters that "all their demands would be met today". Big things happening.

      1. V572625694

        They didn't fully explain, though, what the protesters demands would be met with. Could be an eviscerating compromise, or it could be bullets.

      2. DoktorZoom

        I'm not so sure–I doubt they're going to follow through on getting the protesters a pony and their very own personal visit from Justin Bieber.

  6. KathrynSane

    I'm sure the teabaggers won't mind. Re-writing and misinterpreting history is practically part of their platform.

  7. Not_So_Much

    What about the part about the tortured dog strapped to the roof of the family fun-wagon while it shat it's insides out in terror? That's still in, right? Cuz that just never gets old.

  8. horsedreamer_1

    When the parties re-aligned, the Romneys should have gone Democrat. They'd prolly still have been to the left of the Bayhs. Or, at least, left of Ol' Soft-wood.

    … Oh, shit, I think I just gave UNITY2012 an idea: when Romney's bid inevitably fails, & Softie's primarying of Obama fizzles, there will be an independent/third-party* run by Romney-Bayh.

    It will catch lightning in a bottle… like Harold Stassen.

    *These words do not mean what Scarbourough, Bloomberg, & Unity08 think they mean.

    1. Negropolis

      Silly dreamer; Mormons can't be Democrats, anymore. It's in the Book of Space/Astronaut-Angel Moroni. Look it up!

  9. Oblios_Cap

    Mitt the Fudgepacker used to know that it was all about the size of the stimulus, but he seems to have forgotten that now as he hurtles headfirst toward becoming even less relevant.

  10. Preferred Customer

    Since most Teabaggers can't/won't read a "book" and certainly don't understand the concept of editing, I don't think this will have much effect.

    Those that can read the Boston Phoenix piece are likely to get distracted by the idea of a "bête noire" swinging harder, which is the subject of shameful, shameful dreams.

    1. Weenus299

      I think they've read basic pasteboard shit, like Terry the Teabagger or Why's that Snake on the Flag, and The Robe in Daddy's Closet.

  11. Serolf_Divad

    So basically Romney's excuse is: The Massachussetts legislature ate my homework.

    And honestly: in March of 2009 the DJIA closed at 6,626 today it stands at 12,239. We should hope that all our future presidents declare war on free enterprise.

  12. alfred light

    I look forward to his concession speech after the South Carolina primary.

    (Hey, btw, sorry for this, but I don't understand something…I tried posting this from my new Intense Debate account but my rep on it is neutral (0p). I need to change because I have a stalker IRL. How do new people comment on Wonkette?)

    1. Weenus299

      I think you can log out and make a guest comment, right? Can you use an alternate email and gizz up some wunderkind head-disguise!

    2. HistoriCat

      Wonkette only has a nominal door-keeper. Just post something, Wonkette approves and from there on you're good.

    3. prommie

      South Carolina: Weeding Out The Sane Republican Candidates Since 1980.

      In a way, you can blame the entire decline of this Nation, the end of its period of "civilization" and the beginning of our descent into Barbarism, on South Carolina. No sane, moderate Republican candidate has been able to survive South Carolina's insistence on a foaming at the mouth raving fundamentalist know-nothing . The necessity of surviving the South Carolina primary has been an enormous factor in driving the GOP so far to the right, lo these many years.

  13. Weenus299

    How come this proven fool whom everyone right and left hates keeps getting book deals, and I'm still in this cube fucking around with all of ya'll's Medicare? Un fudgepacking believable.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      You haven't realized your full douchebag potential, first running a leech of a corporate entity (hedge fund) for obscene profits, then cashing out and spending your money to make people notice you, all the time convinced that all the groveling and whoring is right as it will ultimately result in your enlightened countenance leading us all into a glorious new world of hair products and special underwear.

      So get on it, Weenus.

  14. Moonbat

    "The rewritten paperback swings much harder…"

    Well, I hate to tell the paperback this, but Chris Lee just showed that that kind of behavior is NO LONGER ACCEPTABLE in today's clean-'n'-fresh Republican Party. Talk about poorly-timed!

  15. JustPixelz

    Romney can't win the Repubican primary. But it doesn't really matter. Dick Cheney said Obama would be a one term President. Cheney is wrong about absolutely everything. HOORAY! FOUR MORE YEARS …. FOUR MORE YEARS….

  16. Boredw/Gravity

    Mittens didn't actually rewrite the book. He just looked at it with his magical Mormon seer stones and the "truth" was revealed. Oh, and he gets an extra wife now, too.

  17. baconzgood

    They changed the words in Mark Twain's book to make it less offensive to readers and thier sensibilities….Why not Catcher Mitt's book for his readers? I mean, he's as funny as Twain was.

  18. Fare la Volpe

    This is just like when they re-did E.T. and gave all those government agents walkie-talkies instead of guns.

    Mitt Romney wants to take away your gun, America.

    1. SorosBot

      While the cleaned-up effects of the "No Apology" special edition were nice, changing it so that Mitt didn't shoot the bounty hunter until after the bounty hunter shot it him was just wrong. Mitt shot first!

  19. donner_froh

    That picture is so perfect, capturing the look of maniacal glee (gleeful for a Mormon at least) on Romney's face as he pulls on the rubber gloves to do…damn what is he planning to do.

    He could star in the next "Saw" movie.

  20. Sue4466

    This incredibly obvious ploy won't work. The Teabaggers will see that it's nothing more than Romney grasping to curry their favor. They will reject him for his pandering.

    HAAHAAAHAAAA!!!! I crack me up sometimes.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Oh they think he's a pandering phony. But that's only because they keep confusing him with Scott Brown.

  21. littlebigdaddy

    As if being a former governor of Mass, plus a Mormon, and a country-club type weren't enough to turn off the crazed, Jeebus-bothering, trailer park crowd…so this is just a pointless exercise in cravenness.

  22. WhatTheHeck

    The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind passed by the Tea Baggers. The smell taints the integrity of all who seek acceptance.

  23. Ancient_Hackery

    Yaknow it sure was a lot easier to be a politico before these Internets with Tubes.

    You could rewrite your previous words and nobody but some real journalistical researcher would ever know the difference, and even they would only reach a few small scads of folks that read their cellulistic imprints.

    Now any yahoo can do the comparison and spread the bad news (for you).

  24. zappadoo76

    Ex-communist pinko leftist Mitt Romney is rousing the reactionary masses for his campaign to be our next Dear Leader. But once a communist, always a communist. Don't let him fool you, Baggers! Mitt will never privatize the FBI.

  25. jim89048

    I'ma go out on a limb here and guess that not many copies of this were downloaded to a Kindle, either the hardbound or paperback version.

  26. bureaucrap

    What people like Mitt should do is come up with a Kindle edition that links to GPS. Its content will automatically change based on what zip code/census tract/neighborhood it's being read in. Of course, it will come with a warning that it shouldn't be read on the subway, lest the text change in transit.

  27. Negropolis

    Other additions in that section blame the Massachusetts legislature for altering his plan, and the current Democratic administration of Governor Deval Patrick for botching the implementation.

    Ah, the "blame it on the black guy" tactic, and with a black governor and a black president, he has an embarrassment of riches to work with, here. Maybe, he can through something in there about Barney Frank being a gay, lisping Jew for good effect.

  28. Negropolis

    So, how many times this cycle are the teabaggers going to replay the video of Mitt bragging about being to the left of Ted Kennedy on abortion?

    This man is truly a glutton for punishment.

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