gladstoned

John Boehner Really Tried To Get Chris Lee and Others Not To Have Affairs

Full of disappoint.Wow, that Chris Lee sure resigned fast, eh? For perspective, Larry Craig was arrested for trying to have sex with a man in a public bathroom and finished out his term. Which was months, not hours. The thing is, Republicans just will not stand for their members of Congress having affairs that aren’t illegal in some way. Sure, if that woman posting on Craigslist was a horse, things would have gone much more smoothly for him. But he likes adult women. It’s a personal problem. “Lee, sources said, was one of several junior GOP lawmakers that Boehner allegedly warned to ‘knock it off’ with regard to his partying with female lobbyists last year.” Is John Boehner really trying to enforce the Republican Party’s moral values on its leaders? Or does he want all the female lobbyists for himself?

In the past, Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) and other members of House leadership have made clear their zero tolerance for personal misconduct. Michael Steel, a spokesman for Boehner, said his office “doesn’t discuss conversations the speaker has with members.”

“Hey Ron, tell Politico that ‘In the past, Speaker Boehner and other members of House leadership have made clear their zero tolerance for personal misconduct.’ I’ll bet you ten bucks they run it word for word. No seriously. You don’t think they’ll realize ‘in the past’ is a meaningless phrase?”

But anyway, female lobbyists:

It appears that a rumor about John Boehner having an affair with a lobbyist is forming out of thin air after some Daily Kos guy said it was a rumor, so now it is a rumor.

Yeah, that is something we wrote recently! If he follows Chris Lee’s example and his own reported crackdown on GOP sexytime, we can expect him to resign immediately if a shred of evidence is found of Boehner boning this lobbyist lady, right? He’ll stick to his values. But who will take the House speaker job? Let’s go with Ron Paul. [Po'o]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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91 comments

  1. slithytoves

    In the past, Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) and other members of House leadership have made clear their zero tolerance for personal misconduct.

    'Round these parts, we call that pissing in the wind.

  2. mereoblivion

    Michael Steel, a spokesman for Boehner, said his office “doesn’t discuss conversations the speaker has with members.”
    Too bad, I'd stay up late to read conversations between Boner and his members:
    Boner: Knock it off, Chris.
    Lee: Knock her off? Sure thing!
    Too depressed for a Michael Steel(e) joke–or even a Boehner of Steel joke–this morning.

    1. SorosBot

      A conversation between Boehner and his member:
      Boehner: stop fucking lobbyists, I'm trying to convince the rest of the House to do the same.
      Member (AKA Boehner's Boner): No.

    2. PublicLuxury

      Hide under your bed. It helps with depression because the real world can't invade and deepen the depression.

        1. OC_Surf_Serf

          I was just reading somewhere that semen will help.
          Take lots and lots of semen with you under the bed.

      1. Mumbletypeg

        I can't quit your under-bed references. Like the "curl up in fetal position" of olde that used to make me LOL til it became cliche'd, only this is funnier.

    3. Negropolis

      Don't you just hate it when your underlings get their prepositions and pronouns all mixed up? English; words go in, words go out; how does it work?

  3. SorosBot

    Hopefully the GOP really will enforce this zero tolerance policy for affairs; then the Democrats will soon have a majority of 193-0.

  4. weejee

    The Repubicans need to bring in Madame Lulu from the Vieux Carre to read the bones and boners. She's good at rubbing their crystal ballz.

  5. DaSandman

    Boner warned Lee not to party with female lobbyists? That must have been a new experience. Usually he's pulling his fellow degenerates off of junior high boy's lacrosse teams, endangered wildlife and male crack babies born with their hearts on the outside.

  6. ManchuCandidate

    It seems Boner's bringing the excellence in leadershit to the GOPer Party. "Do as I say, not as I do" never works even on Teabaggers. If Boner has been sticking his orange popsicle into Blond female lobbyists, the orange fake tanner is going to fly as the GOPers disintegrate into a chaotic mess of stupid and arrogance. Sweet Zombie Jeebus, I love it so.

  7. donner_froh

    The idea of male Repub politicians having illicit sex with women is causing so much cognitive dissonance I may have to take the rest of the day off.

    All the old verities, like GOP males desiring only teen-age boys, are going by the wayside. This stuff better stop soon.

        1. Negropolis

          And, not just mature women, but those with an wicked-awesome sense of sardonicism, too (i.e. "do you always send shirtless photos to strangers.") She's like our modern day Carrie Fisher a la Star Wars.

  8. Blendergoathead

    Don't believe for a second he was forced out for trying to get a little extra in-the-pantie time; he got forced out because he was stupid enough to, 1) do it on CraigsList; and 2) get outed on Gawker.

    Ken must have shit himself.

  9. CapnFatback

    Michael Steel, a spokesman for Boehner, said his office “doesn’t discuss conversations the speaker has with members.”

    It's just as well. When a Boehner gets together with other members, there ain't a whole lot of talkin' going on.

  10. LiveToServeYa

    I am positive that a simple search for orange streaks on the persons of female lobbyists will confirm or deny Boehner's boning. Cherchez l'orange.

  11. prommie

    That Lee guy had a total freakout; if he'd have just kept his mouth shut, he'd have been fine. It was the blatant lie about someone hacking his computer that killed him. He coulda just moved into that halfway house for christian sex fiends, and started into some counseling with the coven living there, and this would have all been over in no time.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      There's an open bed, now that Stupak Shakur has shuffled off to Norway, to live in solitude with his brother by another mother.

    1. ttommyunger

      Had to attend a 13 week Federal Law Enforcement School in DC in the 70's. Graduation Ceremony was a big deal, a Congressman whose name I don't recall was to speak. He was twenty minutes late showing up. He was a 40-something white boy with a Liberace Hairdo. His demeanor was mussed and he was wearing a dinner jacket with a ruffled formal shirt. He had what I would swear to God was dried jizz stain down the front of his black formal trousers from zipper to mid-thigh. No attempt had been made to clean it up. He seemed very pleased with himself. Anybody want to research this I can give exact date. Alvin Turner was the Director of the school then (1974) Federal Law Enforcement Training Center (later-CFLETC, Glynco, GA), Washington, DC.

  12. baconzgood

    John is saying "you'll only get in trouble if the press gets wind of it with incontrovertible evidence"

  13. cheaphits

    Love, love is strange
    Republicans take it for a game
    Once you get it
    You'll never wanna quit (no, no)
    After you've had it (yeah, yeah)
    You're in an awful fix
    John Boehner
    Don't understand (no, no)
    He think loving (yeah, yeah)
    Is money in the hand
    Your sweet PACs
    Is better than a kiss
    When you leave me
    Sweet lobbyist checks I miss

    [MICKEY:]
    Silvia…

    [SILVIA:]
    Yes Mickey?

    [MICKEY:]
    How do you call your loverboy?

    [SILVIA:]
    Come 'ere Orangeboy!!

  14. DerrickWildcat

    Wanna keep your job? Then you better suck off random dudes in an airport bathroom or have Nuns rub shit filled diapers in your face. Chatting up chicks on the internet goes way over the line.

  15. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Boehner is having a meeting with his fellow Republicans concerning their personal behavior. Let’s drop in…

    After several minutes of tears, stern words and 3 cigarette breaks one representative in the far back of the room slowly and meekly raises his hand,

    Boehner: Yes, You in the back, do you have a question?
    Republican representative: Define porking.

    1. baconzgood

      Boehner (frustrated): Jebus how many times do we have to go over this? "Porking" only falls under consensual intercourse with A woman at or about your own age. It does not include Little boys, teen age girls, orgies, men in rest stops, any four legged mammal, or rape in any form. And you were elected? Sheesh, how thick can you be.

      1. Negropolis

        Four legged mammal, you say? Surely, this must leave room for porking those of, how do you say…Avian persuasion? You know, of the pultry variety? Hell, let me cut to the chase: can we keeping fuckin' those chickens?

  16. AngryBlakGuy

    …am I the only one that sees the irony in someone named John BONER "cock blocking". The only thing funnier than this is when Dick Armey came out in support of gays in the military!!!

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Welp, there's another delicious, healthy snack food item that is ruined to me forever.

      Thanks a lot, jerk.

  17. GregComlish

    Why is Boehner talking about lobbyists? Do Washington lobbyists troll DC Craigslist? If I post ads on M4W, can I finally get that hot, cynical lobbyist tail that I've been craving?

  18. donner_froh

    The party of David Vitter, John Ensign and the toe tapping cock goblin toss a guy flashing his pecs on CL? Boner won't be Speaker much longer–the Repubs will lose their majority by June at this rate.

  19. Blendergoathead

    And lest we forget, Lee is apparently not the ONLY GOP member getting his member wet in lobbyist hoo-hoo.

    Who's next?

  20. Fare la Volpe

    Michael Steel, a spokesman for Boehner

    How 'bout that? Good on him finding work again so soon. He gets to milk that cow just a little bit longer.

    1. Limeylizzie

      Has anyone been watching the lovefest that is Rachel( My Secret GF) and MIchael Steele? He seems really fun and nice , now that he is no longer beholden to his white masters

      1. Negropolis

        I always found the guy to be genuine and funny (if even unintentionally, at times), and I always loved how outside his quickiness his party hated him because he is black. They didn't know what to do with him.

  21. SorosBot

    The many politicians-lobbyist affairs have got me wondering. Since lobbying firms have no sense of decency and their goal is to get politicians in their pocket, maybe the hire some attractive young folks of both genders whose job is primarily to have sex with politicians to get them on their side; basically whores with the firm acting in the role of pimp.

    1. harry_palmer

      You know, if there is anything to what you say, I bet some of the upstanding members are probing the matter deeply, trying to penetrate the mystery and come to a conclusion about any widespread holes of corruption in the system.

    1. ttommyunger

      Well, if it were a woman, which I seriously doubt, I would look out for some worn-out piece of ass who looked like she just fell out of a bag of Cheetos and smelled like an ashtray. Oh yes, and jism breath, stale jism breath.

        1. emmelemm

          Yeah, I wouldn't bet money on his replacement being better. This is ARIZONA we're talking about.

          The devil you know, blah blah…

  22. fuflans

    i don't know john, you may want to reconsider. 'CL sex scandal' is – so far – all you've accomplished.

  23. blowharder

    Love this post. Awkward attempt at cheating on your wife with a consenting adult female is the new standard for Republicans? Got it. I'll be on the lookout for a string of resignations in the coming weeks…

  24. Hatrabbit

    "Chris Lee apparently takes a narrow stance, the dirty, dirty man. And I have zero tolerance for that." Boehner said, wiping a tear away with a naked female lobbyist.

  25. Ducksworthy

    I think I understand now. Men fucking men is not biblical adultery and hence not contrary to family values conservatives. Men fucking women is. Its all becoming clear.

  26. HempDogbane

    I support the abbreviation of Politico used here, and if we had more details on this story, Po'o would probably emerge in several places.

  27. ttommyunger

    I can imagine Boehner's admonition was much the same as one of my old cop bosses. Delivered with tongue in cheek menace: "Now you boys better not let me CATCH any of you gettin' any strange on duty!" Need I add he was a notorious swordsman.

  28. glamourdammerung

    I recall the Boehner having quite a bit of tolerance for not only Mark Foley's child rape, but the fact that pretty much every member of the GOP House leadership (including him) actively tried to cover it up.

  29. XOhioan

    Partying with female lobbyists is all wrong. You are supposed to bone them at the golf resort on their client's dime.

  30. Negropolis

    Sure, if that woman posting on Craigslist was a horse, things would have gone much more smoothly for him. But he likes adult women. It’s a personal problem.

    I am simply dying, here. That is so full of various kinds of wins.

Comments are closed.