GLADSTONED  9:55 am February 10, 2011

John Boehner Really Tried To Get Chris Lee and Others Not To Have Affairs

by Jack Stuef

Full of disappoint.Wow, that Chris Lee sure resigned fast, eh? For perspective, Larry Craig was arrested for trying to have sex with a man in a public bathroom and finished out his term. Which was months, not hours. The thing is, Republicans just will not stand for their members of Congress having affairs that aren’t illegal in some way. Sure, if that woman posting on Craigslist was a horse, things would have gone much more smoothly for him. But he likes adult women. It’s a personal problem. “Lee, sources said, was one of several junior GOP lawmakers that Boehner allegedly warned to ‘knock it off’ with regard to his partying with female lobbyists last year.” Is John Boehner really trying to enforce the Republican Party’s moral values on its leaders? Or does he want all the female lobbyists for himself?

In the past, Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) and other members of House leadership have made clear their zero tolerance for personal misconduct. Michael Steel, a spokesman for Boehner, said his office “doesn’t discuss conversations the speaker has with members.”

“Hey Ron, tell Politico that ‘In the past, Speaker Boehner and other members of House leadership have made clear their zero tolerance for personal misconduct.’ I’ll bet you ten bucks they run it word for word. No seriously. You don’t think they’ll realize ‘in the past’ is a meaningless phrase?”

But anyway, female lobbyists:

It appears that a rumor about John Boehner having an affair with a lobbyist is forming out of thin air after some Daily Kos guy said it was a rumor, so now it is a rumor.

Yeah, that is something we wrote recently! If he follows Chris Lee’s example and his own reported crackdown on GOP sexytime, we can expect him to resign immediately if a shred of evidence is found of Boehner boning this lobbyist lady, right? He’ll stick to his values. But who will take the House speaker job? Let’s go with Ron Paul. [Po'o]

 
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{ 91 comments }

freakishlywrong February 10, 2011 at 10:00 am

Typical Republican. Female,(male), lobbyists for me and not for thee. *Turns on the waterworks.*

slithytoves February 10, 2011 at 10:01 am

In the past, Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) and other members of House leadership have made clear their zero tolerance for personal misconduct.

'Round these parts, we call that pissing in the wind.

mereoblivion February 10, 2011 at 10:02 am

Michael Steel, a spokesman for Boehner, said his office “doesn’t discuss conversations the speaker has with members.”
Too bad, I'd stay up late to read conversations between Boner and his members:
Boner: Knock it off, Chris.
Lee: Knock her off? Sure thing!
Too depressed for a Michael Steel(e) joke–or even a Boehner of Steel joke–this morning.

SorosBot February 10, 2011 at 10:09 am

A conversation between Boehner and his member:
Boehner: stop fucking lobbyists, I'm trying to convince the rest of the House to do the same.
Member (AKA Boehner's Boner): No.

PublicLuxury February 10, 2011 at 10:11 am

Hide under your bed. It helps with depression because the real world can't invade and deepen the depression.

mereoblivion February 10, 2011 at 10:28 am

Those bunnies under there kinda scare me, though.

OC_Surf_Serf February 10, 2011 at 10:42 am

I was just reading somewhere that semen will help.
Take lots and lots of semen with you under the bed.

mereoblivion February 10, 2011 at 11:22 am

'Kay thx, I'm on that.

UW8316154 February 10, 2011 at 6:38 pm

Is that where Naked Bunny With A Whip has been hiding?

mereoblivion February 12, 2011 at 10:51 am

Sadly, no. Anyone else have a clue?

Mumbletypeg February 10, 2011 at 10:48 am

I can't quit your under-bed references. Like the "curl up in fetal position" of olde that used to make me LOL til it became cliche'd, only this is funnier.

Negropolis February 11, 2011 at 12:35 am

Don't you just hate it when your underlings get their prepositions and pronouns all mixed up? English; words go in, words go out; how does it work?

SorosBot February 10, 2011 at 10:02 am

Hopefully the GOP really will enforce this zero tolerance policy for affairs; then the Democrats will soon have a majority of 193-0.

PsycWench February 10, 2011 at 10:03 am

I'd say the zero applies in some way, but I have doubts about their definition of misconduct.

weejee February 10, 2011 at 10:03 am

The Repubicans need to bring in Madame Lulu from the Vieux Carre to read the bones and boners. She's good at rubbing their crystal ballz.

HolyMaracas February 10, 2011 at 10:04 am

Zero Tolerance (for amateur adulterers).

DaSandman February 10, 2011 at 10:04 am

Boner warned Lee not to party with female lobbyists? That must have been a new experience. Usually he's pulling his fellow degenerates off of junior high boy's lacrosse teams, endangered wildlife and male crack babies born with their hearts on the outside.

ManchuCandidate February 10, 2011 at 10:05 am

It seems Boner's bringing the excellence in leadershit to the GOPer Party. "Do as I say, not as I do" never works even on Teabaggers. If Boner has been sticking his orange popsicle into Blond female lobbyists, the orange fake tanner is going to fly as the GOPers disintegrate into a chaotic mess of stupid and arrogance. Sweet Zombie Jeebus, I love it so.

donner_froh February 10, 2011 at 10:11 am

The idea of male Repub politicians having illicit sex with women is causing so much cognitive dissonance I may have to take the rest of the day off.

All the old verities, like GOP males desiring only teen-age boys, are going by the wayside. This stuff better stop soon.

Terry February 10, 2011 at 10:20 am

Not just women, but those of legal age.

donner_froh February 10, 2011 at 10:24 am

The horror!

Negropolis February 11, 2011 at 12:40 am

And, not just mature women, but those with an wicked-awesome sense of sardonicism, too (i.e. "do you always send shirtless photos to strangers.") She's like our modern day Carrie Fisher a la Star Wars.

Blendergoathead February 10, 2011 at 10:12 am

Don't believe for a second he was forced out for trying to get a little extra in-the-pantie time; he got forced out because he was stupid enough to, 1) do it on CraigsList; and 2) get outed on Gawker.

Ken must have shit himself.

738838 February 10, 2011 at 10:40 am

Like Vitter?

horsedreamer_1 February 10, 2011 at 10:12 am

He did his best but his best wasn't good enough.

SudsMcKenzie February 10, 2011 at 10:12 am

His warning lasted a New York minute.

CapnFatback February 10, 2011 at 10:12 am

Michael Steel, a spokesman for Boehner, said his office “doesn’t discuss conversations the speaker has with members.”

It's just as well. When a Boehner gets together with other members, there ain't a whole lot of talkin' going on.

Mumbletypeg February 10, 2011 at 10:51 am

True… but allow me to harken back to one wonketeer's merry tribute, in song, to the Boners of yore.

LiveToServeYa February 10, 2011 at 10:13 am

I am positive that a simple search for orange streaks on the persons of female lobbyists will confirm or deny Boehner's boning. Cherchez l'orange.

prommie February 10, 2011 at 10:16 am

That Lee guy had a total freakout; if he'd have just kept his mouth shut, he'd have been fine. It was the blatant lie about someone hacking his computer that killed him. He coulda just moved into that halfway house for christian sex fiends, and started into some counseling with the coven living there, and this would have all been over in no time.

horsedreamer_1 February 10, 2011 at 10:28 am

There's an open bed, now that Stupak Shakur has shuffled off to Norway, to live in solitude with his brother by another mother.

Barbara_i February 10, 2011 at 10:18 am

I think it would be funny if it rained Luminol just once in DC.

Terry February 10, 2011 at 10:22 am

Or just have Luminol splashed around that fundy Xtian row house over on C Street.

ttommyunger February 10, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Had to attend a 13 week Federal Law Enforcement School in DC in the 70's. Graduation Ceremony was a big deal, a Congressman whose name I don't recall was to speak. He was twenty minutes late showing up. He was a 40-something white boy with a Liberace Hairdo. His demeanor was mussed and he was wearing a dinner jacket with a ruffled formal shirt. He had what I would swear to God was dried jizz stain down the front of his black formal trousers from zipper to mid-thigh. No attempt had been made to clean it up. He seemed very pleased with himself. Anybody want to research this I can give exact date. Alvin Turner was the Director of the school then (1974) Federal Law Enforcement Training Center (later-CFLETC, Glynco, GA), Washington, DC.

Chet Kincaid February 10, 2011 at 5:17 pm

Obviously the indoctrination didn't work, since you have somehow become a cranky old liberal Wonketeer. Yet another wasteful gummint program!!

ttommyunger February 10, 2011 at 9:19 pm

Can't make a silk glove out of a sow's ear, or scrote.

baconzgood February 10, 2011 at 10:19 am

John is saying "you'll only get in trouble if the press gets wind of it with incontrovertible evidence"

cheaphits February 10, 2011 at 10:19 am

Love, love is strange
Republicans take it for a game
Once you get it
You'll never wanna quit (no, no)
After you've had it (yeah, yeah)
You're in an awful fix
John Boehner
Don't understand (no, no)
He think loving (yeah, yeah)
Is money in the hand
Your sweet PACs
Is better than a kiss
When you leave me
Sweet lobbyist checks I miss

[MICKEY:]
Silvia…

[SILVIA:]
Yes Mickey?

[MICKEY:]
How do you call your loverboy?

[SILVIA:]
Come 'ere Orangeboy!!

DerrickWildcat February 10, 2011 at 10:26 am

Wanna keep your job? Then you better suck off random dudes in an airport bathroom or have Nuns rub shit filled diapers in your face. Chatting up chicks on the internet goes way over the line.

SorosBot February 10, 2011 at 10:33 am

Or have your affair with a staffers' wife, then have your parents bribe the husband after he finds out.

Monsieur_Grumpe February 10, 2011 at 10:26 am

Boehner is having a meeting with his fellow Republicans concerning their personal behavior. Let’s drop in…

After several minutes of tears, stern words and 3 cigarette breaks one representative in the far back of the room slowly and meekly raises his hand,

Boehner: Yes, You in the back, do you have a question?
Republican representative: Define porking.

baconzgood February 10, 2011 at 10:52 am

Boehner (frustrated): Jebus how many times do we have to go over this? "Porking" only falls under consensual intercourse with A woman at or about your own age. It does not include Little boys, teen age girls, orgies, men in rest stops, any four legged mammal, or rape in any form. And you were elected? Sheesh, how thick can you be.

Negropolis February 11, 2011 at 12:42 am

Four legged mammal, you say? Surely, this must leave room for porking those of, how do you say…Avian persuasion? You know, of the pultry variety? Hell, let me cut to the chase: can we keeping fuckin' those chickens?

AngryBlakGuy February 10, 2011 at 10:27 am

…am I the only one that sees the irony in someone named John BONER "cock blocking". The only thing funnier than this is when Dick Armey came out in support of gays in the military!!!

horsedreamer_1 February 10, 2011 at 10:27 am

Oh, my darling… Oh, my darling… Oh, my darling, Clementine….

Lascauxcaveman February 10, 2011 at 10:37 am

Welp, there's another delicious, healthy snack food item that is ruined to me forever.

Thanks a lot, jerk.

V572625694 February 10, 2011 at 10:46 am

Have a big bag of fried pork rinds instead. You'll feel better, and it's the Republican thing to do.

GregComlish February 10, 2011 at 10:27 am

Why is Boehner talking about lobbyists? Do Washington lobbyists troll DC Craigslist? If I post ads on M4W, can I finally get that hot, cynical lobbyist tail that I've been craving?

guangho February 10, 2011 at 10:28 am

Stop this perverted nonsense right now and go back to diddling the baby covered with baptismal oil.

donner_froh February 10, 2011 at 10:29 am

The party of David Vitter, John Ensign and the toe tapping cock goblin toss a guy flashing his pecs on CL? Boner won't be Speaker much longer–the Repubs will lose their majority by June at this rate.

harry_palmer February 10, 2011 at 10:29 am

Well done, Boner – make it about one guy fucking a lobbyist, while everybody ignores all the other Congressmen and lobbyists fucking the taxpayer.

Blendergoathead February 10, 2011 at 10:29 am

And lest we forget, Lee is apparently not the ONLY GOP member getting his member wet in lobbyist hoo-hoo.

Who's next?

SorosBot February 10, 2011 at 10:31 am

All of 'em, Charlie.

horsedreamer_1 February 10, 2011 at 10:38 am

This is good news… for John Mc Cain!

Fare la Volpe February 10, 2011 at 10:30 am

Michael Steel, a spokesman for Boehner

How 'bout that? Good on him finding work again so soon. He gets to milk that cow just a little bit longer.

Limeylizzie February 10, 2011 at 11:24 am

Has anyone been watching the lovefest that is Rachel( My Secret GF) and MIchael Steele? He seems really fun and nice , now that he is no longer beholden to his white masters

ttommyunger February 10, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Saw him on Daily Show. He actually seemed normal, WTF?

Negropolis February 11, 2011 at 12:47 am

I always found the guy to be genuine and funny (if even unintentionally, at times), and I always loved how outside his quickiness his party hated him because he is black. They didn't know what to do with him.

MissTaken February 10, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Moo

ttommyunger February 10, 2011 at 12:54 pm

You do know this is a different one, right?

FlownOver February 10, 2011 at 10:38 am

I am the Boehner thy Speaker. Thou shalt have no other sexytimers before me.

SorosBot February 10, 2011 at 10:38 am

The many politicians-lobbyist affairs have got me wondering. Since lobbying firms have no sense of decency and their goal is to get politicians in their pocket, maybe the hire some attractive young folks of both genders whose job is primarily to have sex with politicians to get them on their side; basically whores with the firm acting in the role of pimp.

harry_palmer February 10, 2011 at 10:52 am

You know, if there is anything to what you say, I bet some of the upstanding members are probing the matter deeply, trying to penetrate the mystery and come to a conclusion about any widespread holes of corruption in the system.

crybabyboehner February 10, 2011 at 10:54 am

Ya think?

horsedreamer_1 February 10, 2011 at 11:17 am

ACORN is back, baby!

OC_Surf_Serf February 10, 2011 at 10:45 am

nah..just think he may have fucked too many pumpkins ala Roberto Benigni in Night on Earth

ttommyunger February 10, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Well, if it were a woman, which I seriously doubt, I would look out for some worn-out piece of ass who looked like she just fell out of a bag of Cheetos and smelled like an ashtray. Oh yes, and jism breath, stale jism breath.

V572625694 February 10, 2011 at 10:50 am

OT, but major AZ idiot Jon Kyl is quitting today. Who got to him?

Mumbletypeg February 10, 2011 at 10:56 am

Who knows? Good Riddance!!

gurukalehuru February 10, 2011 at 12:15 pm

That is great fucking news.

V572625694 February 10, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Until they elect somebody even crazier, like that Hayworth asshole.

emmelemm February 10, 2011 at 2:22 pm

Yeah, I wouldn't bet money on his replacement being better. This is ARIZONA we're talking about.

The devil you know, blah blah…

Negropolis February 11, 2011 at 12:49 am

Yeah, until you consider that that is now Jan Brewer's seat.

KenLayIsAlive February 10, 2011 at 10:53 am

Boenher is America's weeping, orange, conscience.

hagajim February 10, 2011 at 10:53 am

I guess it would be a bad idea to ask Boehner to be my wingman at CPAC then?

blowharder February 10, 2011 at 11:00 am

Regret being able to give only one thumbs up to this comment. Awesome.

fuflans February 10, 2011 at 10:57 am

i don't know john, you may want to reconsider. 'CL sex scandal' is – so far – all you've accomplished.

blowharder February 10, 2011 at 11:00 am

Love this post. Awkward attempt at cheating on your wife with a consenting adult female is the new standard for Republicans? Got it. I'll be on the lookout for a string of resignations in the coming weeks…

Hatrabbit February 10, 2011 at 11:02 am

"Chris Lee apparently takes a narrow stance, the dirty, dirty man. And I have zero tolerance for that." Boehner said, wiping a tear away with a naked female lobbyist.

Ducksworthy February 10, 2011 at 11:13 am

I think I understand now. Men fucking men is not biblical adultery and hence not contrary to family values conservatives. Men fucking women is. Its all becoming clear.

Troubledog February 10, 2011 at 11:14 am

Nobody ever lost their job from sexing Jack Abramoff.

SorosBot February 10, 2011 at 11:18 am

Tom Delay lost his job in part for being Abramoff's sub.

mrblifil February 10, 2011 at 2:37 pm

In fact I believe saying the name "Jack Abramoff" constitutes soliciting for a sex act.

mourningnmerica February 10, 2011 at 11:14 am

Moar Hoarz.

HempDogbane February 10, 2011 at 11:37 am

I support the abbreviation of Politico used here, and if we had more details on this story, Po'o would probably emerge in several places.

ttommyunger February 10, 2011 at 12:59 pm

I can imagine Boehner's admonition was much the same as one of my old cop bosses. Delivered with tongue in cheek menace: "Now you boys better not let me CATCH any of you gettin' any strange on duty!" Need I add he was a notorious swordsman.

glamourdammerung February 10, 2011 at 1:35 pm

I recall the Boehner having quite a bit of tolerance for not only Mark Foley's child rape, but the fact that pretty much every member of the GOP House leadership (including him) actively tried to cover it up.

XOhioan February 10, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Partying with female lobbyists is all wrong. You are supposed to bone them at the golf resort on their client's dime.

NorthStarSpanx February 10, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Boy was I relieved to see that Lee was white and not Korean.

mrblifil February 10, 2011 at 2:36 pm

Who knew that a picture could be as damning as a cum-stained dress?

Negropolis February 11, 2011 at 12:32 am

Sure, if that woman posting on Craigslist was a horse, things would have gone much more smoothly for him. But he likes adult women. It’s a personal problem.

I am simply dying, here. That is so full of various kinds of wins.

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