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Groveling GOP Presidential Hopefuls Assemble For CPAC Sexytime

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  • The Conservative Political Action Conference 2011 begins today, and ends when we all have herpes! For the next three days, dozens of presidential hopefuls will compete in oratory fellatio, to prove to America that they love Ronald Reagan the most. Even Donald Trump is scheduled to give a special speech/PowerPoint presentation about his hairpiece. But are you a member of one of those Family Prayer organizations that is boycotting CPAC, because of the gays? Well, Grover Norquist says that “‘only loser people and loser organizations” boycott CPAC. But your Wonkette is not one of these loser poopyheads, so we will have 24/7 around-the-clock live coverage of all the freedom lectures and workshops (“The Ground Zero Mosque: The Second Wave of the 9/11 Attacks”), effective immediately. And evil liberal media person Dave Weigel will probably be creeping around too, since he is everywhere at the same time, like Hermione Granger. [The Hill]
  • Famous dildo Rick Perry says that the Texas Commission on the Arts should be cut from the state budget and then reprocessed into anus beef, because there are “no sacred cows in state government.” Cows are for eating. [McClatchy]
  • Meanwhile, in Egypt: Foreign Minister Ahmed Aboul Gheit — a senior official in Mubarak’s government — warned that the army would “intervene to control the country” if protesters don’t pipe down. What an asshole! [NYT]
  • TODAY’S BONUS JOURNALISM: “Woman Dies After Butt Injection at Philly Hotel.” [Fox News, of course!]

About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Terry

    Perry's problem with the Texas Commission for the Arts is that the Commission doesn't fund enough antler and horn based art.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Needz moar paintings of fields of bluebonnets.

      • Terry

        With a broken wagon wheel in the middle of the bluebonnets.

        • PsycWench

          And maybe a beaten-up gay guy slumped over the wagon wheel.

      • Negropolis

        Needz moar paintings of dogs playing poker/blackjack/slots/roulette.

    • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Ex-Snowflake Baby Sam Brownback knows how to handle this shit – he skipped the budget process and just terminated the Kansas Arts Commission with extreme prejudice via executive order. Because, democracy! Also, Koch Industries!

      (Beginning Kansas Arts snark in three… two… one…)

      • SorosBot

        Kansas "art" would be paintings of cornfields, I guess.

        • V572625694

          Sunflowers, you geosnob.

        • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver
      • horsedreamer_1

        I would be behind this, if it were shown the Kansas Art Commission had been subsidizing the careers of the Get-up Kids & Appleseed Cast.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      If they had only done the blue-eye Indian maids bathing as he had requested, everything would be just fine.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Calling all Rent Boys

  • horsedreamer_1

    Is that Terry Mc Auliffe french-kissing Dick Cheney?

    BIPARTISANSHIP. & DAVID BRODER IS HARD AS A DIAMOND.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    Let me know how the Ray Stevens performance goes. Could Riley please get him to do a rendition of Ahab the Arab (dude was racist against Arabs even before any one in American knew what one was!). Please?!

    • Weenus299

      What could possibly be racist about:

      "She had rings on her fingers
      and bells on her toes
      and a bone in her nose,
      ho-ho"

      ??

      • horsedreamer_1

        That's an odd way to have sex. Either she has huge nostrils, or he has a micropenis.

        • OC_Surf_Serf
          • FNMA

            Keep nasal fucking that dolphin!

    • ttommyunger

      Rendition, you say? Be careful what you want…

    • V572625694

      I am proud/mortified to say that I can recite every verse of that fine ode from memory.

  • bitchincamaro2

    Christopher Lee will host a seminar on how his Blackberry got hacked. All invited.

    • Gleem_McShineys

      Actually, this one's just for the ladiez

      So yeah, they'll all be there

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    I once had a head hunter for a Texas corporation selling me on moving to Texas. At one point I told her I like it here because I’m really into the arts. She promptly started going on about how much Texas supports the arts. Ha!

    • Weenus299

      Texas is great, except for the people. I wish I could live there alone.

    • LiveToServeYa

      Don't underestimate the emotional power of Oil Well Art.

    • bureaucrap

      Also, tall hair-dos. They must be art because they serve no functional purpose that I can think of.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    But your Wonkette is not one of these loser poopyheads, so we will have 24/7 around-the-clock live coverage of all the freedom lectures and workshops

    Ooh, I'd best get into fighting trim. It'sa gonna be commenting frenzy!! Bo-day-shus!!!

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    No sacred cows in the Texas state government. There are a few feral pigs, lapdogs and snakes in the grass to make up for them.

    • HistoriCat

      " a few feral pigs, lapdogs and snakes in the grass "

      That's a very rude description of Perry's cronies. Accurate but rude.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Texas art? Is that just Big Mouth Billy Bass knock-offs?

    • SorosBot

      That, and historical paintings of Jesus riding his dinosaur.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Everyone, check out Craigslist's M for M personals section in the DC area.

    Freakin goldmine.

    • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

      They certainly know what they want and know how to express it: Masters of the brief second-person imperative case:

      "work this dick – 28 – (Arl/Alex)"

      "Eat my ass – 27 – (dc)"

    • HipHop0Potamus

      http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/search/?areaID… fingers crossed for some "discrete" [sic] actions.

      • Fare la Volpe

        "There's something about mounting a hot little conservative boy's ass"

        Amen, brother. Make him point his heels to Reagan.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    …sounds like Rick Perry is forcing Austin to move to New Mexico

    • http://www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/cheaphits/reviews/ cheaphits

      Which is not such a bad idea, is it?

      • OC_Surf_Serf

        with ya…brings SXSW closer to me

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    A real shame that the idiot Congressman from upstate New York has to cheapen the name of one of the most distinguished actors ever to sink his fangs into the milky white flesh of a waiting throat

    http://www.solarnavigator.net/mythology/mythology

    • ttommyunger

      I never could figure out why anyone thought he was scary. He moved like an old man and looked as if a strong right would fold him up like a cheap accordion. Now, the Monster in Salem's Lot, the first one with James Mason as his pet, now that motherfucker was scary.

    • http://wonkette.com Dr_pangloss

      Or call out the Dark Lord of Mordor.

    • Weenus299

      Lame and feeble as the 6,000 year old Count Dooku, but young and playboyish as Scaramanga, the Man with the Golden Gun. Best Roger Moore James Bond, I think, anyway.

  • bitchincamaro2

    How's that arresty, shooty thing working for ya, Mr. Mubarak?

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    “In order to make the buttocks big with liquid silicone, you have to inject a lot of it, and use a large-gauge needle because silicone is really thick – and this could easily get into the blood stream,”

    I think I'm going to be sick.

    • mereoblivion

      "Why did the lady from London fly to Philadelphia?
      To get a bigger butt."
      Doesn't really work as a riddle, does it? But then, it doesn't work as a true story either, when we all know everyone wants a smaller butt nowadays.
      "Everybody I know has a big BUT. C'mon, Simone. Let's talk about your big BUT."
      Okay, I appear to be done with this'n.

    • ttommyunger

      And, of course, one wants to be careful not to inject it directly into the asshole; which explains why Republicans avoid this treatment, being ALL asshole, and such, and also.

    • mog253

      Fox News – yeah this is a story just waiting to be told.

  • Come here a minute

    Don't miss the altar at CPAC where one can light a candle in memory of the congressional career of family values conservative and Internet privacy advocate, former Rep. Chris Lee.

  • baconzgood

    I've got my coffee (with whiskey), closed my office door, removed my filters on the work computer, and have my popcorn. Thanks for taking it on the chin for your snarkerie readers staff at Wonkette. Now bring on the CPAC.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=etvNHZx_Bb4&fe

    • http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=351473119155 Fred_Wertham_Jr

      On the chin is OK. Not in the eye, though.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Damn you SirMixalot. Your love of big butts knows no ends.

    • SudsMcKenzie

      His love of big butts is like the moon, who knows where it comes from.

    • mereoblivion

      The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'.
      Er, or so I've heard it sung.

      • horsedreamer_1

        The looser the waist-band, the quicker the quck-sand…

    • ttommyunger

      Less wear and tear on pillows, plus nobody likes jism-stained pillows. Like waking up with your head resting on an open bag of potato chips.

  • freakishlywrong

    You sure that butt injection happened in Philly, Riley? It looks like a three day butt injection is about to take place in D.C.

    • Weenus299

      It sounds suspicious. Philly ass implants generally include minute steak and Cheez Wiz.

  • SorosBot

    Hey, it's nice to see the back-alley ass enlargement death story get some national attention; it's all over the local news of course. Last night, my bar trivia's team name was "I like big butts, and then so I died".

    • GregComlish

      Technically you have four syllables in both "I cannot lie" and "then so I died" but the 'then-so' construction is a grammatically awkward attempt at replicating the meter. Plus it's unnatural to be placing the emphasize on this contrived "so". It might be better to stick with a simple and close enough "and then I died" rather than try to force the rhythm.

      I'm going to work on it and get back to you.

  • MrsBiggTime

    February 8, 2010: Seems like only yesterday… "Republican Gov. Rick Perry, running for re-election, claims the 'tough conservative decisions' he’s made during his tenure have been a boon to the state, resulting in surplus revenue. 'Today, we have billions in surplus,' he says in a TV ad that debuted Monday."
    But that was before he blew it all on SuperBowl hookers and meth.

    • BerkeleyBear

      If they had billions in surplus, it was only because they had hired Enron's old accounting team to run the books for the state. They were broke then and are broke now, just like every other state that didn't sell off huge chunks of its infrastructure to speculative investors who will probably go out of business after running shit into the ground.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Well, I came upon a douche of God
    He was stopped next to the road
    And I asked him, Tell me, where are you going?
    This he told me

    Said, I'm going down to Wash DC,
    Gonna go the great Con Party, CPAC.
    Got to get back to the lord and get my wide stance.

    We are douchbags, we are assholes,
    We are hundred year old dogma,
    And we got to get ourselves back to the power.

    • mereoblivion

      . . . And I know just who I am
      And books are for burnin'.

      We are pure white, we are frozen
      We are six-thousand-and-fourteen-year-old* losers
      And we got to rid ourselves of all the darkies.

      * according to Bishop Ussher

  • HolyMaracas

    No sacred cows in Texas, except for the $31 million the state spent to host the Super Bowl.

    • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Or the $425 Million in public funding for Jerry Jones' sarcophagus, I mean, Cowboyz Stadiums.

      • HolyMaracas

        And let's not even get into education cuts. Here's what Mr.$500 Haircut said yesterday:
        “Today, I’m challenging our institutions of higher education to develop bachelor’s degrees that cost no more than $10,000, including textbooks.”

        • PsycWench

          Does Mr. $500 Haircut know that a semester of books can easily cost $500? That's $2000 right there…or are the faculty members supposed to assign readings from Wikipedia?

          • CapnFatback

            Actually, in Texas, they have a pretty good program for saving money on textbooks: each student is encouraged to use the family Bible rather than buy his or her own.

        • BerkeleyBear

          "I mean, how much can it cost to print one of them fancy diplomas? $3, 4 tops? That leaves 9997 for keg parties and football."

  • PublicLuxury

    Rick Perry is a dildo? NEVER. I have a dildo and it is capable of extreme pleasure and stress release. Rick Perry is exactly the opposite!

    • ttommyunger

      Ha! Being a guy, I have no need of dildos. Of course, I do have a couple of squishy rubber twats. I call one Sarah and one Arianna. The one made in Greece is tighter and feels a couple of degrees warmer, for when I feel kinky. So I've got that going for me, which is nice.

      • PublicLuxury

        Gee, Tommy maybe if you were around there would be no need for artificial devices.

        Nice to see you again, so to speak. Were you on a Caribbean cruise too? Logging on can be tricky on a ship and there is much better things to do than keeping up on American Political Slime.

        • ttommyunger

          1. Do not cruise, too many peeples. 2. Artificial devices are a Godsend, and you know it's true; however, a woman should never HAVE to buy her own drinks or make her own orgasms, unless she just feels like it. 3. I'm not Mr. Right, not Mr. Wrong. Just Mr. Fun Once in a While. Been single ten days since 1964; not a very good husband, but very good at being married. Thanks for reaching out.

          • PublicLuxury

            You realize I am just jerking your chain a bit, right? I too, am very happily married for 23 years. I am a good wife and good at being married. Hope all is well with you and your family.

          • ttommyunger

            I have no problem with you or your intercourse with me. I enjoy sparring in, and out of the ring. Don't even mind a good tussle now and again. You may be at ease with me. I can still do a young man's work, but frankly lack a young man's energy. Yank away, I find you whimsical, intelligent, well written and interesting. I won't take anything serious that is poked in fun. Don't do that “stuff” on the web, regardless; you could be a l5 year-old boy for all I know. No offense to l5 year old boys, I was one myself….in 1956.

          • PublicLuxury

            The reverse cowgirl position would definitely be for you. It would let you nap while your partner does the work ;)

            Now on to something serious.

            Want to feel really young? Volunteer at a public school to help tutor reading or math. The children keep you thinking and feeling young. Of course, the children will think you are the older than Noah.

          • ttommyunger

            Reminds me of why Cowgirls are bowlegged… Cowboys don't take off their hats when they eat. ;) I FEEL plenty young, I'm just jaded and old.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Oversized, unlubed butt plug, maybe?

      • PublicLuxury

        Oh yes. This is a much more apropos description of the Perry thing.

  • Weenus299

    Can I hope for mass buttocks injections throughout CPAC?

    • SorosBot

      Going to a cut-rate unlicensed plastic surgeon does seem like a very Palinesqe thing to do.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Do we care that the Germans are buying the New York Stock Exchange? Nah, it will just give us easier access to better brats.

    burp….'scusies.

    • mereoblivion

      But much worse b.o.

    • Mumbletypeg

      Criminy Jeepers. I didn't know it was up for sale.

    • ttommyunger

      I guess "The Mouse That Roared" was actually a documentary and not a comedy.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Bockwursts, blutwursts, knockwursts, oh my. Und schnitzel mit kartoffeln, und cafe mit schlag, und sachertorte. Sehr gut!

      • 738838

        Currywurst anyone?

  • PlanetWingNut

    Bring on the Craiglist HOok ups from the closet…no not talking about the republican congressman.

  • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    You can say anything you like,
    but you can't touch the merchandise.
    She'll give you every penny's worth,
    but it will cost you a dollar first.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

      Tubes!

  • EatsBabyDingos

    I am wating for Ms. Bachmann to go into her Splinter Group with her wooden dildos.

  • chickensmack

    There is no alt-text that will EVER beat that photo. ever.

    • freakishlywrong

      My libido declared itself officially dead after seeing that.

      • chickensmack

        Shrub catches. Vader pitches.

  • LiveToServeYa

    I hope you're getting hazard pay for attending CPAC, Riley. Maybe a few Whore Diamonds or smaboleans, at least.

    • bflrtsplk

      But what does the CPAC winner get? There must be a door prize or somethin.'

      • Gleem_McShineys

        I believe you can win a backdoor prize BUTT INJECTION!

  • http://wonkette.com Dr_pangloss

    That picture just made the tiny gay man inside me scream and run out the door.

    • Gleem_McShineys

      tiny gay man inside me

      Michelle Bachmann, is that you?!

  • SorosBot

    Riley, here's hoping you can actually make it out of CPAC safe and sound, both physically and mentally. It won't be easy, but we're pulling for you.

  • http://wonkette.com Dr_pangloss

    They are going back to humanity's roots with cave painting and blood sacrifice.

  • ttommyunger

    I will read with interest about the various ways the Rightards will try to shut out, out-shout, ignore, insult and otherwise show disdain for our brave Wonkette Staff, bearding the Lying, I mean Lions, in their den.

    • SorosBot

      If they're anything like our recent Brietbart trolls, it will be with incoherent rambling rants, filled with in-jokes that make no sense and lots of anger.

      • ttommyunger

        I wonder where the anger comes from. I feel no anger towards Rightards in general. Mostly I feel sorry for them. Is it fear-based? Fear will manifest itself as anger.

      • glamourdammerung

        Those are not in-jokes. Their comments are really just that random.

  • Barbara_i

    Donald Trump is a dick. His hair looks like it was styled by a spider on Xanax.

  • mavenmaven

    Will you be posting all the accompanying Craigslist ads of interest?

  • horsedreamer_1

    I think it involves cocaine & promiscuous sex, but not in the skeevy, Wall Street way. Imagine men in flannel & Ned Flanders mustaches & women with half-shaved heads & wearing messenger bags doing it.

  • MrsBiggTime

    The company I work for is relocating its HQ to Texas, largely because the Texas Enterprise Fund is granting them $1.5 million in tax incentives to do so. The Texas Enterprise Fund is pretty small potatoes when it comes to shell games, but a con is still a con.

    • mog253

      Had to relo there in 2000, when the Rt. 114 corridor was going all techy and they were bragging about being the next Silicon Valley. Now it's all empty buildings and acres of parking. In case anyone is looking for office space.

    • HistoriCat

      So much for "no sacred cows".

  • littlebigdaddy

    What was Larry Craig doing in Philly?

  • 738838

    Western Pennsylvania?

  • Troubledog

    Where is the obligatory "Breitbart Grabbing Riley's Junk While Speaking Suggestively Next To His Ear In The Low Growly Voice" photo?

  • http://wonkette.com/ alfred light

    It's not a hairpiece! Donald Trump's hair is actually the most epic combover job known to humankind!

    Check out this handy diagram so you can try it at home, baldies!
    http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2008/06/11/article

    • Rotundo_

      When "The Donald" lays his head upon his pillow at night the crunching sound from the hairspray shattering must make a helluva racket, and alternately he must be a helluva sight before the team gets his hair back in place in the morning. Eeesh.

  • jim89048
  • thefrontpage

    From the CPAC Schedule:

    THURSDAY

    9 a.m.-Noon: Lecture, Mark Foley, Larry Craig and Chris Lee: "Republicans and the Internet"

    Noon-1 p.m. Lunch

    1 p.m.-3 p.m.: Naked jello wrestling, hotel recreation room B.

    3-5 p.m.: Photo Shoot: Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin pose nude for anyone who wants to take their pictures. $10 entry fee. Pics are free.

    5-7 p.m. Dinner

    7:30-9:30 p.m.: Movie: "La Cage Aux Folles."

    10 p.m.-Midnight: Party, Hospitality Room, hosted by Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin.

  • thefrontpage

    From the CPAC Schedule:

    FRIDAY

    9-11 a.m.: Lecture: Donald Trump and Ted Nugent: "Republicans and the Cult of Personality"

    11-Noon: Variety Show: Michelle Bachmann, Christine O'Donnell and Sarah Palin perform show tunes from the 1950s.

    Noon-1 p.m.: Lunch.

    1:30-3:30 p.m.: Naked Volleyball, hosted by Chris Lee and Ann Coulter. No clothes allowed! Held in recreation room C.

    4-5 p.m.: Lecture: "Republicans, Guns, God and Church," George Will, Charles Krauthammer and Juan Williams

    5-7 p.m.: Dinner.

    7:30-9:30 p.m.: Movies, double-bill: "The Birdcage" and "Midnight Cowboy," hosted by Jon Voight.

    10 p.m.-2 a.m.: Party, Hospitality Room DD, Hosted by Ted Nugent, Jon Voight and Victoria Jackson.

    Please wear your credentials at all times! Have fun!

  • ttommyunger

    Sad but true.

  • juliarix11

    About 16 percent of Americans between the ages of 14 and 49 are infected with herpes, making it one of the most common sexually transmitted diseases, U.S. health officials said on Tuesday. Maybe this is the reason that why there are more than 680,000 members on the STD dating site pozmingle. Hope all the people take care and find love.