Plan the Perfect VD-Free V-Day Around the CPAC Loons

 
 Valentine’s Day is just days after all the wingnuts' convention in D.C. Could there be a connection between this massive get-together of heartless fools who love them some forcible rape (in the missionary position, of course) and the Pagan Day of Love? Nope, it's just a coincidence! But once the wingnuts leave and Woodley Park/D.C. become inhabitable again, maybe you’d like to go out to celebrate your love, you little minx you? Or maybe you don’t care about this holiday! Either way, Valentine’s Day is a great day for an overly indulgent celebration or for some entirely unnecessary self-loathing.

In case you can't rent a porno scanner for the night, here are some other, less fun ways to enjoy Valentine's Day in D.C.:

• Z Burger: Butt-shaped-burger loving couples should head to Z Burger on Valentine's Day. The restaurant is offering those who order a regular burger and kiss their Valentine at the register a complimentary heart-shaped burger. [Z Burger ]

• Proof: If you measure love in money (and Maine Lobster), have your Valentine's Day dinner at Proof. The restaurant is serving a special four-course tasting menu that includes lobster, foie gras, truffles, and beef tenderloin. The meal is $85 per person, and it’s an additional $45 per person for the wine pairing. [Proof ]

• Cafe Saint Ex: On weekends, Saint Ex is a Den of Sin where the mighty try their hardest to find someone, anyone, who is still standing at the end of the night to take home for some sexytime. But on Valentine’s Day, it's a lovely spot for a romantic (expensive) meal. Their $55 per-person four course prix-fixe Valentine’s Day menu includes Oyster Shooters, Humboldt Fog (?), slow roasted lamb, lobster and a milk chocolate banana cake. [Saint Ex ]

• Smith Commons: H Street NE is slowly becoming more Yuppieville and less like the Epcot Center recreation of Brooklyn that it once was, which we guess is a good thing? Smith Commons, the Birch & Barley of H Street, is offering a four-course prix-fixe Valentine’s Day “dining experience” for $70 per-person. [Smith Commons ]

• Woo at the Zoo: There really is nothing like learning all about the mating habits of lions and cheetahs from dorky zoologists. Woo at the Zoo features a lecture about animal sex, as well as complimentary champagne, hors d'oeuvres, and cookie decorating. [Woo at the Zoo ]

Or, if you’re single on Valentine’s Day because you just found out your 3Craigslist lover is a married congressman:

• Againn: Maybe you need a Xanax to get through Valentine's Day? Againn is in full support of this, as they are hosting an Anti-Valentine's Day event that must have been dreamed up by someone who just got dumped. They will be serving a $40 three-course menu and screening such uplifting films as “The Break Up,” “He's Just Not That Into You” and “So I Married an Axe Murderer." Oh, and they will also be giving out heart-shaped candies printed with anti-love sayings. Sounds like fun! [Againn ]

• Bar Pilar: The Anti-Valentine’s day event at Bar Pilar is perfect for the miserable singles who didn't get their fill of closet-case fellatio and what not at CPAC . The menu features $10 “bitter cocktails” like the aptly named Pierced Heart, as well as sour desserts like the Lemon Curd Tart and Buttermilk Panna Cotta. [Bar Pilar ]

• Bottom Line: If you're seeking a partner who isn’t over his/her ex and who has semi-violent tendencies, head to the Bottom Line for their annual “Shred Your Ex and Find Your Next” Valentine’s Day party. The event features a giant paper shredder that you can use to shred all the old memories of you and your ex, as well as drink specials that will help you channel your shredding high into finding your next true love. [Bottom Line ]

Well, if you’re single and this day doesn’t fill you with dread, or the idea of spending an ungodly sum of money for a meal on a random Monday doesn't exactly do it for you, there's always Catapalooza.