god help us

Important: Santorum Gets In Some Sort of Spat With Politico Over Palin


THE TWIN PILLARS OF OUR DEMOCRACY ARE AT WAR: Politico said Rick Santorum said Sarah Palin is busy spending her time making money and having children, and Rick Santorum tweeted that Politico was “garbage.” This is a very serious national security issue, as these two forces control most of the federal government, the rest being handled by Sarah Palin. Politico is now saying Santorum is a liar and a sexist. So, Garbagegate. Garbagegate is what the history books will call this. The world history books.

Grouch.

He used TweetDeck, so you know this is a formal missive, one carefully looked over by the upper echelons of Santorum officialdom. And it was retweeted by 12 people, so probably the Joint Chiefs, a couple of Supreme Court justices, and four guys with their fingers on a nuclear launch button.

Politico:

“This article is garbage,” Santorum tweeted this morning, linking to the POLITICO story. “All I said was- she is VERY busy, PERIOD. Reporter trying to create something out of nothing.”

Except, that’s not all he said.

Oooooh!

Santorum said in an interview with conservative commentator S.E. Cupp that Palin has “other business opportunities” that are taking up time in her schedule, implying that she’s rebuffing the annual conservative gathering for a paid speech.

Santorum also said Palin has “responsibilities” as a mother that he doesn’t as the father of seven, which some interpreted as sexist.

“Some” interpreted, huh? The United Nations?

We must pray for peace, or else we will all be exploded in the bitter war between these gargantuan foes. [The Halls of Power]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Comments

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  • nounverb911

    Funny things happen when Republicans tell the truth about Sarah.

    • freakishlywrong

      Not really funny ha-ha though…

      • LionelHutzEsq

        I don't know about you, but I find these internecine wars to pretty funny ha-ha. Especially between mighty intellects as Santorum, Palin, and Politico. It is a shame S. E. Cupp got dragged in, as she is one of the few CILF around, but I'm a sucker for red heads.

        • BarryOPotter

          Two idiots, one Cupp…

    • Negropolis

      Yeah, they get fucking scared and crawl back up under the rock from wence they came, poor things.

  • Barbara_i

    They are just trying to cover up the real story. A farmhouse fell on Palin's sister.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      Actually, it was a meth-house.

    • spinozasgod

      ahhh, those ruby slippers……

  • edgydrifter

    Naming your child Septic Effluent is abuse, people.

  • freakishlywrong

    I realize you were posting video, but we can never let a Santorum post go by without visting this: http://img.wonkette.com/images/thumbs/cd4d779f4dd

    • baconzgood

      That's how a REAL MAN treats his kids. Suck on that Sista Sarah!

    • Dudleydidwrong

      That looks like the Addams Family on drugs. Or maybe Rick's family and I should be on drugs. If that's family values, can I have another choice?

    • http://andrewdrinker.wordpress.com andrewdrinker

      OMG yes! How could anyone ever forget that awesome picture. I cannot WAIT for a repeat after Iowa in January 2012!!!!!!

    • GOPCrusher

      I just love the look on little Mordecai's face. He sports the look of someone that will go on to great things in the field of sex offender.

  • jus_wonderin

    When is the Palin fireside chat scheduled????

    • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

      As soon as the sponsorship from Duraflame can be arranged.

  • fuflans

    the fuck is that interview background?

    • LionelHutzEsq

      Apparently a bull is shitting out Santorum……

    • OneYieldRegular

      Not entirely clear, but you really have to wonder about a show that would position its guests next to the rear end of some farm animal.

      • OneDollarJuana

        I'm not wondering. Seems perfectly clear to me.

    • MrsBiggTime

      it would appear some bovine is taking a dump on the US Capital. and also, there's a duotone cartoon of some sort of animal.

  • DashboardBuddha

    They're so cute when they're at this age…and feed on each other.

  • SexySmurf

    Santorum meant to tweet: "Sarah is busy having her PERIOD. And she needs to take out the garbage."

    • LionelHutzEsq

      That can't be right, because if she is chained to the stove like Santorum's wife, how could she get the garbage out?

      • baconzgood

        Gnaw through them, DUH!

      • Negropolis

        That's what trash chutes are for.

  • SorosBot

    Well we already knew Santorum was a liar and a sexist; hell one of his biggest campaign promises has always been to promote sexism.

  • DeeJayKitteh

    Meh. Call me when he calls her a famewhore.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      He just did.

    • WriteyWriterton

      That would be a case of the pot calling the kettle a slack-jawed, hammer-stupid opportunist, yes?

  • undeterredbyreality

    I'm not sure about little Ricky, but if he isn't doing as good a job handling parental "responsibilities" for his 7 kids as Palin is for hers (how many does she have, now, anyway?), then we're in for one fucked-up second-generation of Santorums.

    • jus_wonderin

      Damn, is the Santorum 2G out now????

    • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

      Did folks get to see this family shot of the Ted Haggard brood at home?
      http://theamericanjesus.files.wordpress.com/2011/

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        Whoa whoa whoa that is several kinds of contextually gross!

        Now that his other recreational outlets have been curtailed, I guess he is a "Jill-Jet" guy.

    • danceswithpalin

      Did you click Freakishlywrong's link? It would appear the future is now.

  • Jason_inthe_Peg

    Hush people.

    Now pass the popcorn and pray for injuries.

    • jus_wonderin

      I wish the weather were better 'cuz I'd love to drag out my lawn chair to watch this.

  • Come here a minute

    This is going to require an Alaskanoval Office address to clarify Snowbilly's position on the crisis.

    • DustBowlBlues

      There's always an opening for her kind of hard-hitting truth-telling journalism on the Sean O'Rushbeck show.

  • baconzgood

    YEAH! Rick don't give a shit about HIS kids. Just the ones in the bellies of rape victims. As a Pennsylvanian, from the bottom of my heart: GO FUCK YOUR SELF RICKY! I THREW A KEGGER WHEN YOU LOST YOUR SEAT AND WILL THROW ANOTHER WHEN YOU LOSE THE PRIMARIES!

    P.S. I'm up fisting everyone who has somthing shitty to say about this Douche Bag. Not for me, or Wonkette…But for PA and AMERICA!

    • J Rbt. Oppenheiner

      Huzzah huzzah from Allentown

    • DustBowlBlues

      I just turned on the teevee and found out that the Maryland house is debating legalizing gay marriage. That should send Rick "Man On Dog" Santorum into hissy fits, Maryland, being a neighbor state of Pennsylvania. It is, isn't it? Maryland and all those little bitty New Englandish states confuse me. Whatever. It's close enough for Rick to find a camera and start giving his outraged opinions.

      • SorosBot

        It's also a neighbor of his actual home state of Virginia.

      • baconzgood

        What'd you expect. "MARY"land.

      • WriteyWriterton

        Wait, according to Fox, Maryland is next to Iraq. How did it get next to Pennsylvania?

    • Preferred Customer

      Upfist for enthusiasm.

    • danceswithpalin

      Another Huzzah from DFH Philly.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

      Since there's no city worth mentioning, I will just say "south central represent!"

  • CrunchyKnee

    2 girls one SE Cupp.

  • widestanceroman

    Quickly misread that as 'Santorum gets all over Palin' and now I'm kinda let down, because I was hoping for a photo spread of the event.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Plus, the words Santorum (slang use) and spat in the same sentence with $P made me uncomfortable.

      • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

        Some days you just have to love Dan Savage for coining the santorum term. I giggle every time I think of an old goggling it.

  • MissTaken

    “other business opportunities”

    Santorum is just pissed that $arah was forward thinking enough to trademark her name unlike him, Santorum, the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    You got your Santorum all over my Sippy Cupp!
    ~

  • baconzgood

    Oh, man-o-man. This is a "textbook" BLOOD LIBEL! Sarah has lightning shooting out of her eyes because you can't talk trash on her, her unwed attention whore dauthter, and her happy endings hubby. She's a pillar of moral value. All you did Rick is hire some wet backs to clean your house.

    • HistoriCat

      Brood libel.

      • danceswithpalin

        Win Kitty win :-)

  • bumfug

    Only one way to settle this – REALITY SHOW!

    • danceswithpalin

      Oh, I was hoping for a mudwrestling death match but either is fine as long as everyone involved finishes with their dignity intact.

  • Schmannnity

    Man on dog versus man on moose.

    • MrsBiggTime

      I'm in for a dollar.

    • OneDollarJuana

      don't call Todd's hooker a moose!

    • bagofmice

      I thought it was man on dog vs lipstick on PitBull

    • WriteyWriterton

      And death is not an option.

  • MinAgain

    Santorum has been accused of being sexist? What's next, Politico? An expose` on fire being hot, and water being wet?

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    When will this duo be on the UFC pay per view teevee? That's the best solution for either since our renditionator-in-chief is having his own issues of De-Nile.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Rick has a point, as once a kid is outside the vagina, he doesn't care about them at all.

    • Radiotherapy

      You're right, I always thought he had a vagina too.

  • DoktorZoom

    Nobody wants to be tainted by Santorum.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      Or to have Santorum on your taint.

  • Wadisay

    This is like Alien versus Predator, only with placement opportunities for hairspray and feminine hygiene products.

    • Schmannnity

      Rick's Spritz: The sparkling douche.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Delightful. I would give you the Fist of the Day, if there were such a thing.

  • Cicada

    This is like that hobo fighting thing, but with tards.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    This is such a tragedy. Can't we all get along, and realize these are minor squabbles compared to the real problems facing our country: A Black, Muslim, Kenyan Socialist in the White House?

    • DustBowlBlues

      And abortion! You forgot abortion. That's the real problem, next to the president who is all those things you said.

      • danceswithpalin

        Not to mention those rape victims gaming the system.

  • Grief_Lessons

    Wait, there's a dude called Santorum?

    • Gleem_McShineys

      No, however, there is an ambulatory (possibly sentient?) puddle of it. In the video.

  • Hera Sent Me

    My mind wants to create a humorous pun based on "Sanctum" Santorum and "Palin" dromes, but my gall bladder keeps filling my mouth with bile at the thought.

    • Preferred Customer

      That is not your gall bladder. That is Sarah Palin. Tell her to stop it or you will get a restraining order.

  • metamarcisf

    Anyone who opposes abortion in all cases, like Rick Santorum, has never watched an E-Trade commerical.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    My God, Manos, you are right. Finally a useful function of twatting.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Me-ouch! Those girls need to sheath their claws.

    Although I do like a good catfight.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Oh my, whose side will God be on in this epic right wing slap fest? If He's smart, he'll say screw them both & send baby asteroids to Wasilla and wherever the hell Rick lives in PA. (Sorry for any collateral damage.)

    • HistoriCat

      You got something against lightning bolts? That's old school!

    • danceswithpalin

      Actually he lives in Virginia, but God can figure that out.

      • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

        He pretty much lived in Virginia while he was a senator from Pennsylvania. I also recall he got caught pulling a fast one in connection with his kids' residency and their "attendance" at some cyber school.

        Just another cheating, sexist, silk-wearing buttercup. We got millions of them, and most aren't even obsessed with religious apocalypse and oppressing women, browns, gays and the allegedly godless.

  • Extemporanus™

    Santorum spats haven't been in fashion since the "Gay Nineties".

    Way to win the 19th century, POLITICO!

  • keepem_sikanpor

    Frothy mixture, indeed.
    OK $arah, what say you? And by say I mean tweet, you twat.

  • sportshort

    Well, his name is slang for the mixture of semen, anal lube, and feces that leaks out after humorsexual analsex but what's her name slang for? That's the REALLY important question.

    • Schmannnity

      One who slings same.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    If she were D Cupp, she'd have her own show on Fox.

  • user-of-owls

    ゴジラ対ヘドラ !!!

    • Oblios_Cap

      I hear ya!

    • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

      I was gonna say that!
      ~

    • V572625694

      Who's "Hedorah"?

    • AddHomonym

      イチロー!!!!

  • Redhead

    Look Santorum. Just cause your beard has seven kids does not make you a father.

  • jmarsh04

    Santorum is upset men can't give birth to children like Sarah can. God is so sexist sometimes.

  • DustBowlBlues

    When will Huckabee start one with her? He has his own show, so he should trick her into appearing on it, the start lecturing about health.

    No, that's not good enough. I know! The can have a gay-off and see who can produce the more vitriol about the gayz.

  • http://strangestoriesaboutsadpeople.blogspot.com/ Thedongsofwar

    "I'm not saying she's a huge whore, just that she likes making a lot of money for her kids, maybe"

  • Preferred Customer

    Santorum: I do not have opportunities to make money like Sarah Palin does, because I am a worthless sack of meat that couldn't headline the Young Republicans Monthly Dinner at Hillsdale College, so I would literally do anything at all if it included a free sandwich. So long as I don't have to trim my lush, majestic mullet.

    Or at least that's what I heard.

  • V572625694

    So this conservatard putative atheist SE Cupp: how can she be sort of attractive and at the same time utterly repugnant?

    Now I understand how the racists feel about Michelle.

  • Callyson

    Not only does this POS have seven kids, some of them have had health issues that just might attract the time and attention of *some* fathers…
    Santorum and his wife, Karen Garver Santorum, have seven children: Elizabeth Anne (born 1991); Richard John ("Johnny"), Jr. (born 1993); Daniel James (born 1995); Sarah Maria (born 1998); Peter Kenneth (born 1999); Patrick Francis (born 2001); and Isabella "Bella" Maria (born 2008). Bella was subsequently diagnosed with Trisomy 18, a serious genetic disorder which is fatal before birth in 90 per cent of cases. In 1996, their son Gabriel Michael was born prematurely and lived for only two hours (a sonogram taken before Gabriel was born revealed that his posterior urethral valve was closed and that the prognosis for his survival was therefore poor). http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rick_Santorum#Family
    But, just to keep it in the top spot for santorum searches, this is all you really need to know about this guy: http://www.spreadingsantorum.com/

    • SorosBot

      You left out the most important part! "The couple brought the deceased infant home from the hospital and introduced the dead child to their living children as "your brother Gabriel" and slept with the body overnight before returning it to the hospital."

      They didn't even have the decency to jar their fetus before showing it to the kids.

    • GOPCrusher

      This is why inbreeding is frowned upon.

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      I do my part weekly to keep ol Ricky number one in your google search for frothy mixtures.

  • BlueStateLibel

    Hopefully Santorum and Palin will destory each other via Mutual Assured Destruction or MAD (why do I have Reagan on the brain?). Can we give them a nu-cluar arsenal that they can point at each other?

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    So, a meth-house fell on Christine O'Donnell?

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    I thought Richie Santorum was that old guy with hair-metal extensions who's always shred-posing next to Bon Jovi.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Everyone else realized long ago that Politico is garbage. Time to wake up, dumbfuck.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    In response, Sarah will condemn Obama for not clearly explaining to her and the American people why the fuck she exists and what she does with her time.

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    Did you see S E Cupp uses Wonkette old logo?

    • not that Dewey

      HA!

      That prompted me to check out her website. She sure seems to be fascinated with her own image. And then there's this priceless quote:

      "We'll all be working for her someday. Best to start sucking up now."

      –Tucker Carlson

  • hagajim

    Sounds like Santorum Blood Libel to me.

  • smellyal8tr

    The scene: Waldorf Astoria, NYC
    Dramatis: WEALTHY PA Republicans in town for a drinking fest
    Santorum gets off the elevator
    SFX: No one says anything, nothing. Crickets. Not even a "hey Rick". I don't think he's going to get very far.

  • lulzmonger

    The solution is simple: put them into my patented ShredderDome™: two idiots enter, noone leaves, & everybody wins!

    PS – Protip for SE Cupp: frugality is way kewl, but when you get a $7 haircut, it has the unfortunate side-effect of looking like you got a $7 haircut.

  • user-of-owls

    Sumoggumonsuta rules!!

  • PublicLuxury

    Is this going to be in Bristle's memoirs?

  • ttommyunger

    Hmmmm. What? Sorry, wasn't paying attention; was thinking about porking one of those girls. No, not the one with the necktie.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

      Every court needs its dandies and fops. Most of them know better than to harbor ambitions for the throne.

  • ShaveTheWhales

    Santorum spat Politico all over Palin?

    Hard to tell who should worry about infection.

  • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

    Can't wait for the Palin heifers to jump on facebook and tell this faggot to STFU.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    Speaking of his kids, I think it's time someone posted the concession photo. You know the one. Daughter and doll wearing the same dress, crying? Son's Ted Bundy eyes, staring off into space?

  • Negropolis

    Sarah's ears must ring all of the time. She just eats this shit up. I'm sure she's masturbating to this controversy, right now. **shudders**

  • SorosBot

    Not in a good traditional Christian household like his; raising the kids and showing them the jar fetus is solely the wife's job.