rumors on the internets

CONFIRMED: Denver Internatinal Airport: Secret Portal To Hell

  • Is the Denver Airport is a secret temple to Satan, Baal, and the Loch Ness monster? The answer may surprise you. [Vigilante Citizen]
  • World Net Daily presents the most important report since Ken Starr’s famous 9/11 commission pamphlet—an extensive text on Barack Obama’s famous birth certificate. [WND]
  • Why does God only save the cute aborted babies? [GodVine]
  • Acclaimed multiculturalists the Georgia legislature are introducing a bill to prevent those sneaky Sharia courts from infiltrating the elegant and perfect justice of Georgia’s black-people imprisonment system. [Creeping Sharia]
  • I got your Prozac right here, ladies. [Psychology Today]

About the author

Benjamin Frisch is a comic book artist, and sometimes journalist currently habituating somewhere on the elitist liberal east coast of the United States. His published works include a short lived, but beloved cross-dressing comic strip entitled Maurice Antoinette and some other stuff not worth mentioning. As a journalist, Benjamin somehow contributed to National Public Radio, with his story At the Concert Hall, a Symphony for Space Invaders. Benjamin is currently delaying adulthood as a graduate student, and plans to remain one forever. He can be twittered at Twitter.com/BenjaminFrisch

View all articles by Benjamin Frisch

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Amaravilha

    Obama came in 2008 to abort white babies, hide the truth about his birth certificate, depress our white womens, and spread Sharia Law. And where was he nominated? Denver.

    Case closed.

    • baconzgood

      Cue X-Files music.

      • Angry_Marmot

        Flashlight scene! Drink!

  • nounverb911

    "Is the Denver Airport is a secret temple to Satan, Baal, and the Loch Ness monster?"

    I thought Harry Baal's was located in one of those flyover states.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I thought that Colorado was one of those flyover states.

  • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

    In light of this guy getting such incredibly detailed shots of the horse statue's genitals and anus, I've got a few theories of my own.

    • DashboardBuddha

      We were wandering through the park
      buggering statues in the dark
      If Denver's horse can take it, why can't you?

    • mayor_quimby

      He may have been at a certain horse farm in the Seattle area circa 2008. Only he survived his romantic interlude of the equine sort. (search thestranger.com for horse farm sex death if you are brave)

      • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

        I am… not going to do that. Sorry. But, to make it up to you, I am going to name my new band: horse farm sex death

  • OurHoboSenator

    I thought my Caribou Coffee tasted more Satanic than usual when I got it at DIA…

    • DoktorZoom

      Gee…Moloch never wants a second cup of my coffee.

      • OurHoboSenator

        Fill it to the rim…with brimstone.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    I've been to Denver's airport recently and suspect that the reason why these nuts think it's the portal to hell is because you have to actually walk a pretty long distance to get to your connecting flight.

    • Beowoof

      Well when you can't use your Rascal to get around I can see why it would be upsetting.

    • Boredw/Gravity

      If that's the qualification for a portal to hell, then Phoenix's Sky Harbor is a close second. Maybe it's a back portal.

      • Pithaughn

        According to the comments "Just off the top of my head I’d say it was a distribution point for resistors of the new world hell via underground fast trains to locations ll over the US which we know to exist." they have a probability of being secretly connected of nearly 80%. One of my co workers is into this outlandish conspiracy cult, he is totally of the "can you prove it's not a portal to another universe, huh , can you?"

      • HistoriCat

        heh heh – back portal

        • ShaveTheWhales

          Back Orifice.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Well, these fuckers probably wouldn't be caught dead with a passport or a reason to leave the county, let alone country, but if distance between connections is the qualification for Hell, then fucking Charles De Gaulle is the Ninth Circle.

    • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

      I've got a Phoenix's Sky Harbor story that will shiver your timbers.

      Almost as much as the time I flew into Portland, promptly lost my driver's license, and then returned to Columbus Ohio via Boston.

      There was much screening going on, let me tell you!

      (Both Boston and Phoenix feature separate terminal buildings which one might have to make connections through…think going out of security, and then having to go back through. For a connecting flight.)
      ~

      • BaldarTFlagass

        I've never ceased to be amazed that when you get off an international arrival at Atlanta, you get off the plane, go through passport control, claim your luggage, go through customs, and drop your luggage back to be sent on to your connecting flight, all in a totally secure sterile environment, then have to go through security again to go catch your connection. I didn't see the gun shop back there where I deplaned? Or maybe they sell weapons in the duty free trolley on the flights from Eastern Europe? Fuck, that setup has caused me to miss more than a few connections.

        • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

          Sweet Zombie Jeebus Sartre's No Exit was right.

  • Beowoof

    Well Denver does look like it has Bedouin tents all over the place so the evil is apparent.

    The cute baby thing is interesting. I think they only take pictures of the cute kids from the stock photos.

    And World Net Daily, really, that is something to behold. Should really be called the Forest Gump news.

    • nounverb911

      DIA looks just like the HAJJ Terminal at Jeddah Airport. http://www.som.com/content.cfm/king_abdul_aziz_in

    • DashboardBuddha

      Life is like a box of crazy…you'll never know what you get until you open it up.

    • http://wonkette.com eekahil

      I can haz cannd cheezburger?

  • Barbara_i

    The story about the birf certificate had a link to "how to survive the coming food shortage" and this:
    Or just write “Food Storage Secrets” on a piece of paper and send it to the address below with your check or money order for $39.95 (Illinois residents add $2.50 tax) plus $5.00 for immediate shipping and handling to:
    ————————————————-
    It's a book on how to can food! Don't they give Girl Scouts badges for that shit? Why exactly are we going to have this food shortage that the "government won't help with when the time comes" Canned food will last for a year, I think. I'm surprised no one has come up with the idea for Snake Plissken's trail mix yet.

    • baconzgood

      OMG! Snake Plissken's trail mix? Dude, pair that with Chuck Norris flavored Power Aid and you've got an investor right here.

      • Barbara_i

        We should go into business together! My ex-husband from my ill fated teen marriage is one of those survivalist guys. He saves his rainwater in Delaware, just in case. Both of our daughters got married 3 years ago. He refused to chip in on the weddings because they weren't marrying men who could "shoot and skin a deer" to make clothes and dinner for them. They are both nurses who married attorneys. I bet my ex faps to Sarah Palin with the frequency of a cheap ham radio.

        • mavenmaven

          I thought that ham radio line was the best line I've heard since 1978: http://snltranscripts.jt.org/78/78oupdate.phtml

          • Barbara_i

            *sigh* I miss Gilda.

        • Barrelhse

          Wait- Does he know something? Should I be saving my rainwater in DE instead of here?
          But seriously, B-i, I do love how you turn a phrase. LOLed at Mt. Rushmore , as with "cheap ham radio".

          • Barbara_i

            Thanks! Also, thanks for point out that my initials are "BI", snicker.
            I'm trying to put a witty spin on the story I just read about the dude who kept his daughter a prisoner in the basement and forced her to bear 7 of his children. It seems that he got decapitated in prison. I need some help with this one, please. I really hated this dude!

          • Barrelhse

            Really, Barbara, you can't find the humor in that?
            (Except for that awful part about the decapitation, of course.)

          • Barbara_i

            Barrel, I count on your wit and we will find something funny in another situation. Maybe even something that is funny, lol.

          • baconzgood

            Your Ex-Husband and my Ex wife should meet.

          • Barrelhse

            I'm looking forward to Rolling On The Floor with you.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Whoa…Denver International Airport. Really? So Air Mexicalia has a flight there on the weekends?

    • V572625694

      Oh you silly geosnobs. United will torture you on the way to many international destinations from DIA. Frontier too.

    • tcaalaw

      There are direct flights from Denver to London, UK and Frankfurt, Germany, as well as a number of Canadian and Mexican cities.

    • Pithaughn

      Oh, so the John Wayne portal to hell , you are proud of that? Cessnas, fabric covered reproduction sopwith camels, all sharing runways with actual jet aircraft. I personally watched a student practicing in a bi plane swerve out of control over the top of a 757 taxing. (taxxining? ) Not flying, driving on a taxiway, there.

      • OC_Surf_Serf

        c'mon who doesn't love SNA's takeoff regulations that sssslllllloooooooooooowwwwwwssssss down the plane 30 seconds after you leave the ground?

        Can't be making too much noise over Newport Beach…(fuck Costa Mesa and Santa Ana, tho)

        • Pithaughn

          Is that what that coasting feeling is? One of the local airports here in western colorado requires a sharp turn just as soon as the pilot verifies the wheels are up , to avoid a pesky 10,000 foot mountain. As the planes approach the runway they are allowed to accelerate as they turn onto the runway, all the passengers go "whoooh" every time.

  • SorosBot

    Oh my, that "Vigilante Citizen" site is nuts. Keep protecting us from the Mason's magic spells, guy!

    The birthers are still going at it, I see. Hey, every one of your "unanswered questions" has a simple answer; for example, the reason no doctors have spoken of Obama's birth is that it was 50 years ago so they're probably all dead by now, morans.

    Sigh. Once again, there is no way Sharia law could be implemented in America, and the Frst Amendment already bans the use of it just as it does the use of biblical law. And what the fuck does "dhimmi" mean?

    I've read of several other stories of people who claimed to have been "aborted, but survived"; every one has turned out to be a hoax.

    As for that final article, what I got was: semen semen semen semen semen.

    • baconzgood

      Need a tissue Sorosbot?

      • SorosBot

        No, but I think the guy who wrote that article does.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        A beach towel, more like.

    • mereoblivion

      So did I, at first. Then I went back for more dubious evidence to help me find eager companions for the next few nights of my crypto-Kierkegaardian "Seducer's Diary" and found that someone named Michael Castleman is "fascinated by the chemical complexity of semen." Duly noted, sir! And thx for the pseudo-science, will report back soon on how many babes bought it.

    • Crank_Tango

      Charlie Kelly survived. Green Man!!!

    • ShaveTheWhales

      "Seemann, Deine Heimat ist das Meer".

      Now I'm really dating myself (why, thank you/me).

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Damn those contractors. That airport art was for Gog and Magog Intl Airport in Atlanta, which is where the real Hell is.

    Whirled Nut Doobie rant needs moar Orley Taitz Trucknutz.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      OT, but speaking of truknutz, I saw a pair on an F350 dually with 4" lift kit, on a trailer hitch that would tow the USS Nimitz, during my commute homeward this afternoon.
      Chromed.
      No place but Texas.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Neat. I can get a copy of of the free in depth report from the in depth reporters at World Net Daily. All I have to do is sign up for an avalanche of unstoppable spam from every right wing organization in the world.

  • Wadisay

    Gordon Gallup and Rebecca Burch realized that the only real difference between lesbians and heterosexual women is that the latter are exposed to semen.

    Lesbian women are exposed to Subarus, also.

    • mereoblivion

      Softball, too.

      • Angry_Marmot

        Lesbians in the Navy work with seamen everyday.

  • WhatTheHeck

    The people who were responsible for those murals were definitely on a ‘Rocky MOuntain High’ at the time. But the horse I understand. Something to do with the Broncos.

  • Amaravilha

    Actually, note that in the photo he gave, the "swastika" is the one turned 90-degrees to the frame of reference. In other words, it looks like the Hindi version, not the crooked Third Reich version.

    I would try to explain the difference, but, well, the author and commenters there are mouthbreathers.

    My main objection to DIA is that it has/had a very large Crocs store in the middle of the food court. WTF?

    • DeeJayKitteh

      That there's that much of a demand for Crocs is a much bigger sign of the apocolypse than some freemason imagery and an anatomically-correct horse statue.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    The gargoyles sitting in suitcases at the Denver airport are pretty neat–the visitors and convention bureau should add it to their "Things to see in the Mile High City" ad.

    • SorosBot

      I'd recommend against seeing them while a mile high though; that shit would really freak you out then.

  • prommie

    Any ladies out there been feeling a little down lately? Got the blues? I'm here to help, all I'm saying.

    They have to get on the follow-up study posthaste, too, because if these positive benefits can be obtained through oral ingestion, this is information that needs to get out there; thinking of all the wasted semen being spit out.

    • Crank_Tango

      no shit. who cares about airports when there is breaking news!!!! drudge siren!!!!

  • XOhioan

    The Denver airport Satan Horse is the shit. Just the thing to see if you're already scared witless by flying. The entire place is like Disneyland for conspiracy theorists–just one weird, excessively symbolic piece of public art after another.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Public Art? Socialism, says I!

  • Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

    CONFIRMED: Denver Internatinal Airport: Secret Portal To Hell

    Secret?

  • http://theblueelite.blogspot.com simplyblue7

    I hear the "portal to hell" is just an attempt to raise revenue from tourists. I don't buy it!

  • SorosBot

    Also, Vigilante Citizen: Freemasons; really? The 1800s called, they want their conspiracy theory back.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Regards the Founding Fathers,16% of the signers of the Declaration of Independence and 33% of the initial signers of teh Constitution were Freemasons, including Benjamin Franklin, John Hancock, and George Washington.

  • Ancient_Hackery

    Those aren't gargoyles– they're arriving passengers who fossilized while waiting for their luggage.

    ( BTW big airports just pack their runways in any-old compact, rectilinear, non-intersecting arrangement. Jets do not benefit much from landing or taking off into the prevailing wind.

    • Pithaughn

      What if the wind is 50mph, the temp is 100 F and the altitude is 5280 feet? My son the aerospace engineer disagrees with your statement.

  • edgydrifter

    The actual gateway to Hell is Pueblo Memorial Airport, but you can catch a convenient commuter flight there from DIA.

  • DaRooster

    Do the tunnels connect with AREA 51? Are all of the aliens Nazis? Hitler should have swallowed more semen I suppose…

  • SayItWithWookies

    How can DIA be the portal to hell when St. Louis has more flights to Texas?

  • genxr

    CONFIRMED: Denver Internatinal Airport: Secret Portal To Hell

    So that's where my luggage went.

  • glamourdammerung

    I kind of wondered about the Denver Airport Hellgate myself, but assumed it was just Colorado in general.

  • gef05

    I left a comment on the blog signed lovestospooge. The comment wasn't funny, but I've always liked the handle lovestospooge ever since Stan used it for WoW.

    lovestospooge

  • BaldarTFlagass

    It is an actual letter written by a Hama Herchenberg, 14 years old, that died December 18, 1943 in Auschwitz Concentration camp (as written at the bottom of the letter).
    —from the airport article.

    Guess they found that in the Dead Letter Office?

    • mereoblivion

      Forwarded by Bartleby.

    • genxr

      Fucking lost luggage can wind up ANYWHERE

      • DoktorZoom

        And LOST luggage can turn up anywhen.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Denver is my home airport. And, although the guy's a looney, he is right about some of the art being extra creepy.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Yeah, I like it too.

    • Oblios_Cap

      I lived in Colorado back in the 80s. I loved driving under the runway on the interstate back when Stapleton was open.

  • Steverino247

    Dear Sir,

    I would like to lodge a complaint about the website Creeping Sharia. I have some Creeping Sharia along my back fence. I clicked on the website, expecting to find advice on keeping my plants healthy and I got a bunch of crap about religion. Let me tell you, when the ladies at the Buttmunch Creeping Sharia Society hear about this, they will be most upset.

    • mereoblivion

      So Sharia is A-rab for Charlie?

    • DashboardBuddha

      Good luck asking about your Wandering Jew too.

  • SexySmurf

    In a related story, Pfizer is set to release a new anti-depressant called Bukkake. Bukkake: Guaranteed to put a–smile?–on you face!

    • Barrelhse

      Cures acne. Also.

  • http://www.fifthinternational.org/content/education-programme 4TheTurnstiles

    This kind of conspiratorial New World Order pro wrestling foil hat thing has been going on and on about this airport for years and years. for instance…
    http://www.anomalies-unlimited.com/Denver_Airport

    and I dig it so much I'm actually a Frontier Airlines early returns customer. The burritos at the Mesa Verde place are actually first-rate by airport food standards. No wonder the haters hate.

  • fuflans

    i commute between ord and lax. denver may be the portal but it ain't the thing itself.

    especially in that midwest winter – west coast fire season.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      O'Hare — Portal to Nowhere (pretty damn often).

  • Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

    Incidentally, that Vigilant Citizen site is a hoot. Because when I want art criticism, I go to someone who is unable to understand even the most basic symbolism, and has also not taken his anti-psychotic medication for some time. "Hmmm," he says, "this mural shows children beating swords into plowshares. Whatever could that mean? IT IS A MYSTERY."

  • angryclownspawn

    The thing that scares me more than the hellish airport in Denver is the people who apparently believe that shit and commented on the site. Yikes!

  • Gleem_McShineys

    Yes, this totally explains why my scrote is always so perky!

  • SwanSwanH

    I have sacrificed my checked baggage to Baal a number of times at DIA.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    >>>>>>>>>CHRIS LEE RESIGNS>>>>WONKETTE TO BLAME>>>>>>>

    • SayItWithWookies

      So does Paterson appoint his replacement?

      • BaldarTFlagass

        He might see his way clear to do so.

        • mayor_quimby

          This is an injustice, Rep. Lee was just looking for somebody to Cuomo-on!
          Need to put more booze in my funny-hole, that's all I got for now.

  • Barrelhse

    -Airport: Those little Buzzkillz only like secret symbols when they are engraved on gunsights or printed on signs held by morons in the end-zone seats.
    – "I got your Prozac right here, ladies.": Benjamin!

  • Redhead

    Wow, really went for the crazies today, didn't ya!

  • Terry

    I bet the guy who wrote about Denver's airport has serious concerns about a certain birth certificate.

  • sportshort

    I want to buy the gargoyles in the suitcases. I want to buy them now. Now. Dammit.

  • SmutBoffin

    And all this time I thought JFK International was the open mouth to Hell.

    • genxr

      Nah. That's Reagan National. They hold you at security, don't let you use the bathroom on approach, and it's even named after the antichrist.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Tampa, O'hare, and Atlanta might have something to say about that.

    • Negropolis

      DFW also claims this location.

  • genxr

    Wow, the guy who designed those runways SHOULD have noticed they somewhat resembled a swastika (if you squint real hard). Then he should have had them all torn up and rebuilt into a star of David, so that the planes can all crash into each other as they land. But at least it wouldn't be evil!

  • littlebigdaddy

    DIA may not be the gateway to hell, but it is the gateway to Aurora, which is close enough.

  • ttommyunger

    'Portal to Hell?" You'll be hearing from our lawyers. Signed: the "C" Street Boys.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Clancy_Pants

    Funny that none of the black helicopter-new world order-birther conspiracy nut jobs ever mention the "American – Why I love her" map?
    ..and the gargoyles.. They're just there in baggage claim to ward off bad juju.

  • chascates

    Jesus, the birthers are worse than the PUMAs ever were. Regnery is still publishing books asking 'What did Hilary know and when did she know it' so I suppose the beating of dead horses still draws crowds.

    Any news of those Iraqi weapons of mass destruction yet?

  • http://wonkette.com eekahil

    Could someone bring me up to speed on whether we are allowed to call someone "retard" these days?
    I was about to call the world net daily and anyone who takes it seriously , "a bunch of retards" but I don't wish to be un-pc.
    Thanks!
    : )

    • Oblios_Cap

      It's only OK if you aren't picking on Trig.

  • UW8316154

    I've been feeling a little, well, depressed lately. Any of you nice fellows want to help cheer a girl up?

  • Negropolis

    I really, really wanted to believe that "Creeping Sharia" was some kind of joke. They make it sound like some unruly Southern Kudzu or voracious Asian carp.

  • dinkybossetti

    "That’s pretty extreme a family airport, right?"

    What exactly is a "family airport?" Are there adult airports somewhere? I might like to use one the next time I fly.

    • Barrelhse

      Minneapolis might suit your needs.

  • Billmatic

    My cousin started hearing voices one day at DIA. He killed himself over Christmas of 2009.