RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS  4:33 pm February 9, 2011

CONFIRMED: Denver Internatinal Airport: Secret Portal To Hell

by Benjamin Frisch

  • Is the Denver Airport is a secret temple to Satan, Baal, and the Loch Ness monster? The answer may surprise you. [Vigilante Citizen]
  • World Net Daily presents the most important report since Ken Starr’s famous 9/11 commission pamphlet—an extensive text on Barack Obama’s famous birth certificate. [WND]
  • Why does God only save the cute aborted babies? [GodVine]
  • Acclaimed multiculturalists the Georgia legislature are introducing a bill to prevent those sneaky Sharia courts from infiltrating the elegant and perfect justice of Georgia’s black-people imprisonment system. [Creeping Sharia]
  • I got your Prozac right here, ladies. [Psychology Today]

Hola wonkerados.

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Amaravilha February 9, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Obama came in 2008 to abort white babies, hide the truth about his birth certificate, depress our white womens, and spread Sharia Law. And where was he nominated? Denver.

Case closed.

baconzgood February 9, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Cue X-Files music.

Angry_Marmot February 9, 2011 at 6:22 pm

Flashlight scene! Drink!

nounverb911 February 9, 2011 at 4:43 pm

"Is the Denver Airport is a secret temple to Satan, Baal, and the Loch Ness monster?"

I thought Harry Baal's was located in one of those flyover states.

BaldarTFlagass February 9, 2011 at 5:51 pm

I thought that Colorado was one of those flyover states.

KenLayIsAlive February 9, 2011 at 4:43 pm

In light of this guy getting such incredibly detailed shots of the horse statue's genitals and anus, I've got a few theories of my own.

DashboardBuddha February 9, 2011 at 4:55 pm

We were wandering through the park
buggering statues in the dark
If Denver's horse can take it, why can't you?

mayor_quimby February 9, 2011 at 11:12 pm

He may have been at a certain horse farm in the Seattle area circa 2008. Only he survived his romantic interlude of the equine sort. (search for horse farm sex death if you are brave)

KenLayIsAlive February 10, 2011 at 12:44 am

I am… not going to do that. Sorry. But, to make it up to you, I am going to name my new band: horse farm sex death

OurHoboSenator February 9, 2011 at 4:44 pm

I thought my Caribou Coffee tasted more Satanic than usual when I got it at DIA…

DoktorZoom February 10, 2011 at 1:07 am

Gee…Moloch never wants a second cup of my coffee.

OurHoboSenator February 10, 2011 at 9:31 am

Fill it to the rim…with brimstone.

ManchuCandidate February 9, 2011 at 4:45 pm

I've been to Denver's airport recently and suspect that the reason why these nuts think it's the portal to hell is because you have to actually walk a pretty long distance to get to your connecting flight.

Beowoof February 9, 2011 at 4:47 pm

Well when you can't use your Rascal to get around I can see why it would be upsetting.

Boredw/Gravity February 9, 2011 at 5:16 pm

If that's the qualification for a portal to hell, then Phoenix's Sky Harbor is a close second. Maybe it's a back portal.

Pithaughn February 9, 2011 at 7:05 pm

According to the comments "Just off the top of my head I’d say it was a distribution point for resistors of the new world hell via underground fast trains to locations ll over the US which we know to exist." they have a probability of being secretly connected of nearly 80%. One of my co workers is into this outlandish conspiracy cult, he is totally of the "can you prove it's not a portal to another universe, huh , can you?"

HistoriCat February 9, 2011 at 8:16 pm

heh heh – back portal

ShaveTheWhales February 9, 2011 at 10:53 pm

Back Orifice.

BaldarTFlagass February 9, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Well, these fuckers probably wouldn't be caught dead with a passport or a reason to leave the county, let alone country, but if distance between connections is the qualification for Hell, then fucking Charles De Gaulle is the Ninth Circle.

ifthethunderdontgetya February 9, 2011 at 5:39 pm

I've got a Phoenix's Sky Harbor story that will shiver your timbers.

Almost as much as the time I flew into Portland, promptly lost my driver's license, and then returned to Columbus Ohio via Boston.

There was much screening going on, let me tell you!

(Both Boston and Phoenix feature separate terminal buildings which one might have to make connections through…think going out of security, and then having to go back through. For a connecting flight.)

BaldarTFlagass February 9, 2011 at 6:00 pm

I've never ceased to be amazed that when you get off an international arrival at Atlanta, you get off the plane, go through passport control, claim your luggage, go through customs, and drop your luggage back to be sent on to your connecting flight, all in a totally secure sterile environment, then have to go through security again to go catch your connection. I didn't see the gun shop back there where I deplaned? Or maybe they sell weapons in the duty free trolley on the flights from Eastern Europe? Fuck, that setup has caused me to miss more than a few connections.

ManchuCandidate February 9, 2011 at 6:17 pm

Sweet Zombie Jeebus Sartre's No Exit was right.

Beowoof February 9, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Well Denver does look like it has Bedouin tents all over the place so the evil is apparent.

The cute baby thing is interesting. I think they only take pictures of the cute kids from the stock photos.

And World Net Daily, really, that is something to behold. Should really be called the Forest Gump news.

nounverb911 February 9, 2011 at 4:50 pm

DIA looks just like the HAJJ Terminal at Jeddah Airport.

DashboardBuddha February 9, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Life is like a box of crazy…you'll never know what you get until you open it up.

eekahil February 10, 2011 at 12:43 am

I can haz cannd cheezburger?

Barbara_i February 9, 2011 at 4:47 pm

The story about the birf certificate had a link to "how to survive the coming food shortage" and this:
Or just write “Food Storage Secrets” on a piece of paper and send it to the address below with your check or money order for $39.95 (Illinois residents add $2.50 tax) plus $5.00 for immediate shipping and handling to:
It's a book on how to can food! Don't they give Girl Scouts badges for that shit? Why exactly are we going to have this food shortage that the "government won't help with when the time comes" Canned food will last for a year, I think. I'm surprised no one has come up with the idea for Snake Plissken's trail mix yet.

baconzgood February 9, 2011 at 4:57 pm

OMG! Snake Plissken's trail mix? Dude, pair that with Chuck Norris flavored Power Aid and you've got an investor right here.

Barbara_i February 9, 2011 at 5:05 pm

We should go into business together! My ex-husband from my ill fated teen marriage is one of those survivalist guys. He saves his rainwater in Delaware, just in case. Both of our daughters got married 3 years ago. He refused to chip in on the weddings because they weren't marrying men who could "shoot and skin a deer" to make clothes and dinner for them. They are both nurses who married attorneys. I bet my ex faps to Sarah Palin with the frequency of a cheap ham radio.

mavenmaven February 9, 2011 at 5:25 pm

I thought that ham radio line was the best line I've heard since 1978:

Barbara_i February 9, 2011 at 5:51 pm

*sigh* I miss Gilda.

Barrelhse February 9, 2011 at 6:38 pm

Wait- Does he know something? Should I be saving my rainwater in DE instead of here?
But seriously, B-i, I do love how you turn a phrase. LOLed at Mt. Rushmore , as with "cheap ham radio".

Barbara_i February 9, 2011 at 6:53 pm

Thanks! Also, thanks for point out that my initials are "BI", snicker.
I'm trying to put a witty spin on the story I just read about the dude who kept his daughter a prisoner in the basement and forced her to bear 7 of his children. It seems that he got decapitated in prison. I need some help with this one, please. I really hated this dude!

OC_Surf_Serf February 9, 2011 at 4:47 pm

Whoa…Denver International Airport. Really? So Air Mexicalia has a flight there on the weekends?

V572625694 February 9, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Oh you silly geosnobs. United will torture you on the way to many international destinations from DIA. Frontier too.

tcaalaw February 9, 2011 at 6:58 pm

There are direct flights from Denver to London, UK and Frankfurt, Germany, as well as a number of Canadian and Mexican cities.

Pithaughn February 9, 2011 at 7:10 pm

Oh, so the John Wayne portal to hell , you are proud of that? Cessnas, fabric covered reproduction sopwith camels, all sharing runways with actual jet aircraft. I personally watched a student practicing in a bi plane swerve out of control over the top of a 757 taxing. (taxxining? ) Not flying, driving on a taxiway, there.

OC_Surf_Serf February 9, 2011 at 11:42 pm

c'mon who doesn't love SNA's takeoff regulations that sssslllllloooooooooooowwwwwwssssss down the plane 30 seconds after you leave the ground?

Can't be making too much noise over Newport Beach…(fuck Costa Mesa and Santa Ana, tho)

Pithaughn February 10, 2011 at 10:18 am

Is that what that coasting feeling is? One of the local airports here in western colorado requires a sharp turn just as soon as the pilot verifies the wheels are up , to avoid a pesky 10,000 foot mountain. As the planes approach the runway they are allowed to accelerate as they turn onto the runway, all the passengers go "whoooh" every time.

SorosBot February 9, 2011 at 4:47 pm

Oh my, that "Vigilante Citizen" site is nuts. Keep protecting us from the Mason's magic spells, guy!

The birthers are still going at it, I see. Hey, every one of your "unanswered questions" has a simple answer; for example, the reason no doctors have spoken of Obama's birth is that it was 50 years ago so they're probably all dead by now, morans.

Sigh. Once again, there is no way Sharia law could be implemented in America, and the Frst Amendment already bans the use of it just as it does the use of biblical law. And what the fuck does "dhimmi" mean?

I've read of several other stories of people who claimed to have been "aborted, but survived"; every one has turned out to be a hoax.

As for that final article, what I got was: semen semen semen semen semen.

baconzgood February 9, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Need a tissue Sorosbot?

SorosBot February 9, 2011 at 5:06 pm

No, but I think the guy who wrote that article does.

BaldarTFlagass February 9, 2011 at 5:54 pm

A beach towel, more like.

mereoblivion February 9, 2011 at 5:12 pm

So did I, at first. Then I went back for more dubious evidence to help me find eager companions for the next few nights of my crypto-Kierkegaardian "Seducer's Diary" and found that someone named Michael Castleman is "fascinated by the chemical complexity of semen." Duly noted, sir! And thx for the pseudo-science, will report back soon on how many babes bought it.

Crank_Tango February 9, 2011 at 5:36 pm

Charlie Kelly survived. Green Man!!!

ShaveTheWhales February 9, 2011 at 10:57 pm

"Seemann, Deine Heimat ist das Meer".

Now I'm really dating myself (why, thank you/me).

EatsBabyDingos February 9, 2011 at 4:53 pm

Damn those contractors. That airport art was for Gog and Magog Intl Airport in Atlanta, which is where the real Hell is.

Whirled Nut Doobie rant needs moar Orley Taitz Trucknutz.

BaldarTFlagass February 9, 2011 at 5:49 pm

OT, but speaking of truknutz, I saw a pair on an F350 dually with 4" lift kit, on a trailer hitch that would tow the USS Nimitz, during my commute homeward this afternoon.
No place but Texas.

donner_froh February 9, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Neat. I can get a copy of of the free in depth report from the in depth reporters at World Net Daily. All I have to do is sign up for an avalanche of unstoppable spam from every right wing organization in the world.

Wadisay February 9, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Gordon Gallup and Rebecca Burch realized that the only real difference between lesbians and heterosexual women is that the latter are exposed to semen.

Lesbian women are exposed to Subarus, also.

mereoblivion February 9, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Softball, too.

Angry_Marmot February 9, 2011 at 6:36 pm

Lesbians in the Navy work with seamen everyday.

WhatTheHeck February 9, 2011 at 4:59 pm

The people who were responsible for those murals were definitely on a ‘Rocky MOuntain High’ at the time. But the horse I understand. Something to do with the Broncos.

Amaravilha February 9, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Actually, note that in the photo he gave, the "swastika" is the one turned 90-degrees to the frame of reference. In other words, it looks like the Hindi version, not the crooked Third Reich version.

I would try to explain the difference, but, well, the author and commenters there are mouthbreathers.

My main objection to DIA is that it has/had a very large Crocs store in the middle of the food court. WTF?

DeeJayKitteh February 9, 2011 at 5:24 pm

That there's that much of a demand for Crocs is a much bigger sign of the apocolypse than some freemason imagery and an anatomically-correct horse statue.

donner_froh February 9, 2011 at 5:04 pm

The gargoyles sitting in suitcases at the Denver airport are pretty neat–the visitors and convention bureau should add it to their "Things to see in the Mile High City" ad.

SorosBot February 9, 2011 at 5:12 pm

I'd recommend against seeing them while a mile high though; that shit would really freak you out then.

prommie February 9, 2011 at 5:05 pm

Any ladies out there been feeling a little down lately? Got the blues? I'm here to help, all I'm saying.

They have to get on the follow-up study posthaste, too, because if these positive benefits can be obtained through oral ingestion, this is information that needs to get out there; thinking of all the wasted semen being spit out.

Crank_Tango February 9, 2011 at 5:36 pm

no shit. who cares about airports when there is breaking news!!!! drudge siren!!!!

XOhioan February 9, 2011 at 5:09 pm

The Denver airport Satan Horse is the shit. Just the thing to see if you're already scared witless by flying. The entire place is like Disneyland for conspiracy theorists–just one weird, excessively symbolic piece of public art after another.

Oblios_Cap February 10, 2011 at 7:30 am

Public Art? Socialism, says I!

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] February 9, 2011 at 5:11 pm

CONFIRMED: Denver Internatinal Airport: Secret Portal To Hell


simplyblue7 February 9, 2011 at 5:13 pm

I hear the "portal to hell" is just an attempt to raise revenue from tourists. I don't buy it!

SorosBot February 9, 2011 at 5:13 pm

Also, Vigilante Citizen: Freemasons; really? The 1800s called, they want their conspiracy theory back.

weejee February 9, 2011 at 6:28 pm

Regards the Founding Fathers,16% of the signers of the Declaration of Independence and 33% of the initial signers of teh Constitution were Freemasons, including Benjamin Franklin, John Hancock, and George Washington.

Ancient_Hackery February 9, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Those aren't gargoyles– they're arriving passengers who fossilized while waiting for their luggage.

( BTW big airports just pack their runways in any-old compact, rectilinear, non-intersecting arrangement. Jets do not benefit much from landing or taking off into the prevailing wind.

Pithaughn February 9, 2011 at 7:14 pm

What if the wind is 50mph, the temp is 100 F and the altitude is 5280 feet? My son the aerospace engineer disagrees with your statement.

edgydrifter February 9, 2011 at 5:17 pm

The actual gateway to Hell is Pueblo Memorial Airport, but you can catch a convenient commuter flight there from DIA.

DaRooster February 9, 2011 at 5:25 pm

Do the tunnels connect with AREA 51? Are all of the aliens Nazis? Hitler should have swallowed more semen I suppose…

SayItWithWookies February 9, 2011 at 5:25 pm

How can DIA be the portal to hell when St. Louis has more flights to Texas?

genxr February 9, 2011 at 5:31 pm

CONFIRMED: Denver Internatinal Airport: Secret Portal To Hell

So that's where my luggage went.

glamourdammerung February 9, 2011 at 5:33 pm

I kind of wondered about the Denver Airport Hellgate myself, but assumed it was just Colorado in general.

gef05 February 9, 2011 at 5:39 pm

I left a comment on the blog signed lovestospooge. The comment wasn't funny, but I've always liked the handle lovestospooge ever since Stan used it for WoW.


BaldarTFlagass February 9, 2011 at 5:43 pm

It is an actual letter written by a Hama Herchenberg, 14 years old, that died December 18, 1943 in Auschwitz Concentration camp (as written at the bottom of the letter).
—from the airport article.

Guess they found that in the Dead Letter Office?

mereoblivion February 9, 2011 at 6:05 pm

Forwarded by Bartleby.

genxr February 9, 2011 at 7:16 pm

Fucking lost luggage can wind up ANYWHERE

DoktorZoom February 10, 2011 at 1:17 am

And LOST luggage can turn up anywhen.

littlebigdaddy February 9, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Denver is my home airport. And, although the guy's a looney, he is right about some of the art being extra creepy.

ShaveTheWhales February 9, 2011 at 11:01 pm

Yeah, I like it too.

Oblios_Cap February 10, 2011 at 7:32 am

I lived in Colorado back in the 80s. I loved driving under the runway on the interstate back when Stapleton was open.

Steverino247 February 9, 2011 at 5:45 pm

Dear Sir,

I would like to lodge a complaint about the website Creeping Sharia. I have some Creeping Sharia along my back fence. I clicked on the website, expecting to find advice on keeping my plants healthy and I got a bunch of crap about religion. Let me tell you, when the ladies at the Buttmunch Creeping Sharia Society hear about this, they will be most upset.

mereoblivion February 9, 2011 at 6:06 pm

So Sharia is A-rab for Charlie?

DashboardBuddha February 9, 2011 at 6:48 pm

Good luck asking about your Wandering Jew too.

SexySmurf February 9, 2011 at 5:46 pm

In a related story, Pfizer is set to release a new anti-depressant called Bukkake. Bukkake: Guaranteed to put a–smile?–on you face!

Barrelhse February 9, 2011 at 11:19 pm

Cures acne. Also.

4TheTurnstiles February 9, 2011 at 5:48 pm

This kind of conspiratorial New World Order pro wrestling foil hat thing has been going on and on about this airport for years and years. for instance…

and I dig it so much I'm actually a Frontier Airlines early returns customer. The burritos at the Mesa Verde place are actually first-rate by airport food standards. No wonder the haters hate.

fuflans February 9, 2011 at 5:50 pm

i commute between ord and lax. denver may be the portal but it ain't the thing itself.

especially in that midwest winter – west coast fire season.

ShaveTheWhales February 9, 2011 at 11:02 pm

O'Hare — Portal to Nowhere (pretty damn often).

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] February 9, 2011 at 5:53 pm

Incidentally, that Vigilant Citizen site is a hoot. Because when I want art criticism, I go to someone who is unable to understand even the most basic symbolism, and has also not taken his anti-psychotic medication for some time. "Hmmm," he says, "this mural shows children beating swords into plowshares. Whatever could that mean? IT IS A MYSTERY."

angryclownspawn February 9, 2011 at 6:07 pm

The thing that scares me more than the hellish airport in Denver is the people who apparently believe that shit and commented on the site. Yikes!

Gleem_McShineys February 9, 2011 at 6:13 pm

Yes, this totally explains why my scrote is always so perky!

SwanSwanH February 9, 2011 at 6:18 pm

I have sacrificed my checked baggage to Baal a number of times at DIA.

EatsBabyDingos February 9, 2011 at 6:29 pm


SayItWithWookies February 9, 2011 at 6:37 pm

So does Paterson appoint his replacement?

BaldarTFlagass February 9, 2011 at 8:35 pm

He might see his way clear to do so.

mayor_quimby February 9, 2011 at 11:07 pm

This is an injustice, Rep. Lee was just looking for somebody to Cuomo-on!
Need to put more booze in my funny-hole, that's all I got for now.

Barrelhse February 9, 2011 at 6:31 pm

-Airport: Those little Buzzkillz only like secret symbols when they are engraved on gunsights or printed on signs held by morons in the end-zone seats.
- "I got your Prozac right here, ladies.": Benjamin!

Redhead February 9, 2011 at 6:47 pm

Wow, really went for the crazies today, didn't ya!

Terry February 9, 2011 at 6:51 pm

I bet the guy who wrote about Denver's airport has serious concerns about a certain birth certificate.

sportshort February 9, 2011 at 7:02 pm

I want to buy the gargoyles in the suitcases. I want to buy them now. Now. Dammit.

SmutBoffin February 9, 2011 at 7:09 pm

And all this time I thought JFK International was the open mouth to Hell.

genxr February 9, 2011 at 7:14 pm

Nah. That's Reagan National. They hold you at security, don't let you use the bathroom on approach, and it's even named after the antichrist.

Oblios_Cap February 10, 2011 at 7:34 am

Tampa, O'hare, and Atlanta might have something to say about that.

Negropolis February 11, 2011 at 12:01 am

DFW also claims this location.

genxr February 9, 2011 at 7:26 pm

Wow, the guy who designed those runways SHOULD have noticed they somewhat resembled a swastika (if you squint real hard). Then he should have had them all torn up and rebuilt into a star of David, so that the planes can all crash into each other as they land. But at least it wouldn't be evil!

littlebigdaddy February 9, 2011 at 8:03 pm

DIA may not be the gateway to hell, but it is the gateway to Aurora, which is close enough.

ttommyunger February 9, 2011 at 9:18 pm

'Portal to Hell?" You'll be hearing from our lawyers. Signed: the "C" Street Boys.

Clancy_Pants February 9, 2011 at 10:36 pm

Funny that none of the black helicopter-new world order-birther conspiracy nut jobs ever mention the "American – Why I love her" map?
..and the gargoyles.. They're just there in baggage claim to ward off bad juju.

chascates February 9, 2011 at 11:07 pm

Jesus, the birthers are worse than the PUMAs ever were. Regnery is still publishing books asking 'What did Hilary know and when did she know it' so I suppose the beating of dead horses still draws crowds.

Any news of those Iraqi weapons of mass destruction yet?

eekahil February 9, 2011 at 11:24 pm

Could someone bring me up to speed on whether we are allowed to call someone "retard" these days?
I was about to call the world net daily and anyone who takes it seriously , "a bunch of retards" but I don't wish to be un-pc.
: )

Oblios_Cap February 10, 2011 at 7:36 am

It's only OK if you aren't picking on Trig.

UW8316154 February 10, 2011 at 12:22 am

I've been feeling a little, well, depressed lately. Any of you nice fellows want to help cheer a girl up?

Negropolis February 10, 2011 at 5:52 am

I really, really wanted to believe that "Creeping Sharia" was some kind of joke. They make it sound like some unruly Southern Kudzu or voracious Asian carp.

dinkybossetti February 10, 2011 at 9:02 am

"That’s pretty extreme a family airport, right?"

What exactly is a "family airport?" Are there adult airports somewhere? I might like to use one the next time I fly.

Barrelhse February 10, 2011 at 11:10 pm

Minneapolis might suit your needs.

Billmatic February 10, 2011 at 1:33 pm

My cousin started hearing voices one day at DIA. He killed himself over Christmas of 2009.

Barrelhse February 9, 2011 at 9:03 pm

Really, Barbara, you can't find the humor in that?
(Except for that awful part about the decapitation, of course.)

Barbara_i February 10, 2011 at 12:08 am

Barrel, I count on your wit and we will find something funny in another situation. Maybe even something that is funny, lol.

baconzgood February 10, 2011 at 8:19 am

Your Ex-Husband and my Ex wife should meet.

Barrelhse February 10, 2011 at 11:08 pm

I'm looking forward to Rolling On The Floor with you.

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