a macaca shows its colors

BREAKING: Jim Webb Not Running For Re-Election; Photo of Rooster Confirms

Cock dysfunction.
Brave Macaca hero Jim Webb has bravely decided to give up even trying to run for re-election to the U.S. Senate against half-witted football man George Allen. We can confirm this because the photo for this story on Google News is of a rooster that stabbed and killed a man at a cockfight. Yeah, that sounds like one of Jim Webb’s friends. Webb has now released a statement, and you’ll never guess which sector he’s going into!

However, after much thought and consideration I have decided to return to the private sector, where I have spent most of my professional life, and will not seek re-election in 2012.

Notwithstanding this decision, I have every intention of remaining involved in the issues that affect the well-being and the future of our country.

He will be in the private sector but he will still be “involved” with the same political issues. Oh, so he’s going to be a lobbyist. How original. Yeah, that sweet lobbyist money is definitely worth forcing George Allen on this country for another six years. America understands. Jim Webb got to get paid.

Thus ends the political career of Jim Webb, once heralded as a tough, fresh face in the party, or one that didn’t look like a pussy, at least. His one major legislative accomplishment, however? Bringin’ unregistered gunz into the Capitol.

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So who will be the new tough guy to run against George Allen? Probably Tim Kaine. Yeah, good luck with that, Democrats. [WP]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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61 comments

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Ya did once. The result was West-by god-Virginia. Why not join up with that. I'm sure the frackers and mountain top removers would welcome some new faces/blood/tax dollars.

  1. user-of-owls

    a rooster that stabbed and killed a man at a cockfight.

    Birds: don't fuck with us, we got shivs and we know how to use 'em.

    1. SorosBot

      I somehow find it impossible to have sympathy for the cockfight operator killed by the chicken he was trying to force into a fight to death; sort of like how I find stories of bullfighters killed by the bulls to be uplifting.

      1. Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

        Yeah, I really can't blame him for going all Nat Turner on his oppressors. Besides, you know what they say: you mess with the rooster, you get the razor-sharp blades you just tied onto the rooster.

  2. Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

    Yes, yes, but more importantly, what happened to the rooster? I need some closure here, dammit!

  3. Beowoof

    Hopefully they will find someone out of NOVA to run otherwise it will be some confederate flag wearing hick driving the General Lee.

  4. Oblios_Cap

    I guess he's tired of slumming about with the Millionaires Club on Capitol Hill. Time to hang with the real money.

  5. user-of-owls

    Sure, "day" birds can be badass. But you should see what we get up to at night. It'd make a Zeta piss his pants.

  6. hagajim

    What Jim Webb said
    "after much thought and consideration I have decided to return to the private sector"
    What Jim Webb meant
    "I tried this stupid politics shit and it sucks a donkey dick (pardon the pun). I'm leaving so I can cash in on K Street….KACHING! See ya suckers!"

  7. DashboardBuddha

    The Chicken: "You think the double-down is delicious, do you bitch? Don't think I won't cut you!"

  8. CapnFatback

    "That's it for today's top headlines. I'm your fine-feathered Nooster. Good night and good cluck."

  9. donner_froh

    It will be easier to get paid by defense contractors in paychecks and bonuses as a lobbyist than by getting the occasional envelope stuffed with hundred dollar bills delivered along with some underage trafficked prostitutes.

    Win/win for everyone besides the girls but they don't really count, of course.

  10. Ducksworthy

    Sometime in early 2012 GE will announce its new electronic system for compressing all news stories together like this webb/chicken piece but with all the news expressed in a single loud "BukSquawk!+ Sara Palin

  11. EatsBabyDingos

    Jim is going back to his fancy shmancy house in Bailey's Crossroads near Route 7. (Granted its on Lake Barcroft, but really)

    Isn't that Hell enough, or have you never driven on Rt 7 in Bailey's during rush hour?

  12. Texan_Bulldog

    Tim Kaine? Crap, my toenail clipping has more charisma, charm & personality. Buh by Senate majority. (Not that Dems know WTF to do with it anyway!)

    1. Lost_Teabaggers

      Think about it like this…oh sure, Tim Kaine is boring and all…but Macaca is fucking brain damaged. When he talks it sounds a bit like Evander Hollyfield all slurry and slow, his eyes seem all vacant. Now, this asshole is a "titan" in Virginia politics? Forget the racism….this guy seems barely qualified mentally to tie his own shoes. What the fuck is wrong with you, Virginia?

  13. mereoblivion

    "I will have the things that I desire
    And my passion flow like rivers through the sky"

    Also, "the old men playing checkers, by the trees" sounds like Congress, except for the trees part. So thanks for all the immortal music, JW. I'd say "You will be missed" but I would be pelted with rotting cabbages and drowned out by howls of derisive laughter.

  14. Allmighty_Manos

    Two things

    1. Allen could be taken out by a wacko (at the Republican convention that is, where people with a lot of time on their hands fuming about muslins and Mehixcans and who somehow think George Allen isn't xenophobic enough get to decide who the GOP nominee is)

    2. Tim Kaine and his unibrow are still pretty popular, a least in NoVa.

    So stop whining.

  15. KochFembot

    I am really digging this folding of the DLC and mass exodus of all the conservative Democrats out of Congress.

    Don't let the door hit you on the ass, etc.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Damned if I can figure it out. When the Republiklans started spouting off that the problem was that they weren't far enough right after the 2008 election, I figured they were on the certain path to their own destruction.
      Maybe the Democrats aren't far enough left? Maybe they need to resurrect Vladimir Lenin?

  16. ttommyunger

    I for one will not miss Senator Webb. I never quite feel comfortable about a man who makes obvious efforts to appear masculine and then behaves like a total pussy when the chips are down. At least Macaca man is a totally known quantity: all asshole, all of the time.

  17. Negropolis

    Meh. Good riddance, really. The guy was way unpredictable, as if he had some kind of dangerously undiagnosed mental illness that was soon to manifest itself in him choking an intern for getting his coffee order incorrect, or knifing a sculpture in Statuary Hall for looking at him funny, or something. To me, this is just another sign of his trademark unpredictability. I've never been a big fan of mavericks, to be honest; because most of the time it involves a level of self-infatuation high for even a congressman.

  18. Negropolis

    I'm confused. Though as boring as sin, Kaine was a popular governor, from what I hear, who's maintained a relatively high popularity rating sense. The guy obviously has a built in electoral base from which to go back to. This doesn't sound like a lost Senate seat, to me. Obviously, it'll be harder to keep than it was to gain it in 2008, but what's with all the bitch-and-moan? There are Democrat in states that'd kill to be in the shape that Democrats are in in VA.

    Plus, you guys still have Mark Warner, who while I also don't like much, is still a Democratic senator.

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