A MACACA SHOWS ITS COLORS  12:13 pm February 9, 2011

BREAKING: Jim Webb Not Running For Re-Election; Photo of Rooster Confirms

by Jack Stuef

Cock dysfunction.
Brave Macaca hero Jim Webb has bravely decided to give up even trying to run for re-election to the U.S. Senate against half-witted football man George Allen. We can confirm this because the photo for this story on Google News is of a rooster that stabbed and killed a man at a cockfight. Yeah, that sounds like one of Jim Webb’s friends. Webb has now released a statement, and you’ll never guess which sector he’s going into!

However, after much thought and consideration I have decided to return to the private sector, where I have spent most of my professional life, and will not seek re-election in 2012.

Notwithstanding this decision, I have every intention of remaining involved in the issues that affect the well-being and the future of our country.

He will be in the private sector but he will still be “involved” with the same political issues. Oh, so he’s going to be a lobbyist. How original. Yeah, that sweet lobbyist money is definitely worth forcing George Allen on this country for another six years. America understands. Jim Webb got to get paid.

Thus ends the political career of Jim Webb, once heralded as a tough, fresh face in the party, or one that didn’t look like a pussy, at least. His one major legislative accomplishment, however? Bringin’ unregistered gunz into the Capitol.

So who will be the new tough guy to run against George Allen? Probably Tim Kaine. Yeah, good luck with that, Democrats. [WP]

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Barbara_i February 9, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Cock-a-doodle-don't, see who cares. That's what you get for bringing a pussy to a cockfight.

MittsHairHelmet February 9, 2011 at 12:16 pm

It's funny because roosters are also called cocks.

freakishlywrong February 9, 2011 at 12:40 pm

And Webb was a dick. Kinda.

ifthethunderdontgetya February 9, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Geez, not this racist, phony cowboy again?

Really, Va.?

Can NOVA secede?

assistantatlas February 9, 2011 at 1:38 pm

I bet if you asked real nice, the Republicans would let it join DC and become disenfranchised.

Dudleydidwrong February 9, 2011 at 3:42 pm

Ya did once. The result was West-by god-Virginia. Why not join up with that. I'm sure the frackers and mountain top removers would welcome some new faces/blood/tax dollars.

HolyMaracas February 9, 2011 at 12:18 pm

"Welcome to Corporate America, Macaca!"

SorosBot February 9, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Rooster 2012!

user-of-owls February 9, 2011 at 12:18 pm

a rooster that stabbed and killed a man at a cockfight.

Birds: don't fuck with us, we got shivs and we know how to use 'em.

SorosBot February 9, 2011 at 12:27 pm

I somehow find it impossible to have sympathy for the cockfight operator killed by the chicken he was trying to force into a fight to death; sort of like how I find stories of bullfighters killed by the bulls to be uplifting.

prommie February 9, 2011 at 12:32 pm

I simply love that cock, I mean, don't you just have to love that cock? That cock is a hero.

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] February 9, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Yeah, I really can't blame him for going all Nat Turner on his oppressors. Besides, you know what they say: you mess with the rooster, you get the razor-sharp blades you just tied onto the rooster.

Oblios_Cap February 9, 2011 at 12:48 pm

If only Michjael Vick's dogs knew that trick!

Rosie_Scenario February 9, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Macaca-doodle-doo! That bird should challenge George Allen. I'd pay to see that debate.

angryclownspawn February 9, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Pretty sure that cock could take him.

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] February 9, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Yes, yes, but more importantly, what happened to the rooster? I need some closure here, dammit!

Beowoof February 9, 2011 at 12:27 pm

I am pretty sure the loco pollo is on the menu at the KFC

Schmannnity February 9, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Virginia's loss is General Dynamics', Boeing's, United Technologies', and Lockheed Martin's gain.

OneDollarJuana February 9, 2011 at 12:22 pm

"I shall not run twice, ere the cock crows thrice"

Zvi_Bleindmeis February 9, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Damn. I guessed the Romulan sector.

Beowoof February 9, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Hopefully they will find someone out of NOVA to run otherwise it will be some confederate flag wearing hick driving the General Lee.

angryclownspawn February 9, 2011 at 2:00 pm

In other words, George Allen.

baconzgood February 9, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Fucking illegal immigrant cocks with knives….BUILD THAT WALL ALREADY!

jim89048 February 9, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Angry Birds ftw.

baconzgood February 9, 2011 at 12:25 pm
PartyMarty February 9, 2011 at 12:26 pm

GOTZ to get paid.

Oblios_Cap February 9, 2011 at 12:28 pm

I guess he's tired of slumming about with the Millionaires Club on Capitol Hill. Time to hang with the real money.

MinAgain February 9, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Somebody at USA Today obviously thinks he's a dick.

elviouslyqueer February 9, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Chickenshit, more like.

Redhead February 9, 2011 at 12:30 pm

I plan to use all of my five votes on the rooster – and my dead grandmother's six votes too!

Weenus299 February 9, 2011 at 12:31 pm


user-of-owls February 9, 2011 at 12:31 pm

Sure, "day" birds can be badass. But you should see what we get up to at night. It'd make a Zeta piss his pants.

RedneckMuslin February 9, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Cock vs. Man was the more interesting story. And happier ending.

hagajim February 9, 2011 at 12:32 pm

What Jim Webb said
"after much thought and consideration I have decided to return to the private sector"
What Jim Webb meant
"I tried this stupid politics shit and it sucks a donkey dick (pardon the pun). I'm leaving so I can cash in on K Street….KACHING! See ya suckers!"

DashboardBuddha February 9, 2011 at 12:33 pm

The Chicken: "You think the double-down is delicious, do you bitch? Don't think I won't cut you!"

baconzgood February 9, 2011 at 12:34 pm

I'm crying "Fowl" on this on this article.

CapnFatback February 9, 2011 at 12:35 pm

"That's it for today's top headlines. I'm your fine-feathered Nooster. Good night and good cluck."

PartyMarty February 9, 2011 at 12:36 pm

You goin'? We fly you there! You been? We done already flew up in there!

donner_froh February 9, 2011 at 12:38 pm

It will be easier to get paid by defense contractors in paychecks and bonuses as a lobbyist than by getting the occasional envelope stuffed with hundred dollar bills delivered along with some underage trafficked prostitutes.

Win/win for everyone besides the girls but they don't really count, of course.

Ducksworthy February 9, 2011 at 12:41 pm

Sometime in early 2012 GE will announce its new electronic system for compressing all news stories together like this webb/chicken piece but with all the news expressed in a single loud "BukSquawk!+ Sara Palin

baconzgood February 9, 2011 at 12:41 pm

"…Agh forget it…"

EatsBabyDingos February 9, 2011 at 12:41 pm

Jim is going back to his fancy shmancy house in Bailey's Crossroads near Route 7. (Granted its on Lake Barcroft, but really)

Isn't that Hell enough, or have you never driven on Rt 7 in Bailey's during rush hour?

LesBontemps February 9, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Needz moar cock, less dick.

Texan_Bulldog February 9, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Tim Kaine? Crap, my toenail clipping has more charisma, charm & personality. Buh by Senate majority. (Not that Dems know WTF to do with it anyway!)

Lost_Teabaggers February 9, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Think about it like this…oh sure, Tim Kaine is boring and all…but Macaca is fucking brain damaged. When he talks it sounds a bit like Evander Hollyfield all slurry and slow, his eyes seem all vacant. Now, this asshole is a "titan" in Virginia politics? Forget the racism….this guy seems barely qualified mentally to tie his own shoes. What the fuck is wrong with you, Virginia?

Extemporanus™ February 9, 2011 at 12:45 pm

Wouldn't a photo of a duck have been more appropriate?

"Webb feet don't fail me now!"

Oblios_Cap February 9, 2011 at 12:45 pm

He's assembling his own team so that he can rehab at home is what I hear. I'm going to apply.

mereoblivion February 9, 2011 at 12:54 pm

"I will have the things that I desire
And my passion flow like rivers through the sky"

Also, "the old men playing checkers, by the trees" sounds like Congress, except for the trees part. So thanks for all the immortal music, JW. I'd say "You will be missed" but I would be pelted with rotting cabbages and drowned out by howls of derisive laughter.

undeterredbyreality February 9, 2011 at 1:18 pm

He really hasn't done anything since Wichita Lineman anyway.

Allmighty_Manos February 9, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Two things

1. Allen could be taken out by a wacko (at the Republican convention that is, where people with a lot of time on their hands fuming about muslins and Mehixcans and who somehow think George Allen isn't xenophobic enough get to decide who the GOP nominee is)

2. Tim Kaine and his unibrow are still pretty popular, a least in NoVa.

So stop whining.

KochFembot February 9, 2011 at 1:25 pm

I am really digging this folding of the DLC and mass exodus of all the conservative Democrats out of Congress.

Don't let the door hit you on the ass, etc.

GOPCrusher February 9, 2011 at 4:29 pm

Damned if I can figure it out. When the Republiklans started spouting off that the problem was that they weren't far enough right after the 2008 election, I figured they were on the certain path to their own destruction.
Maybe the Democrats aren't far enough left? Maybe they need to resurrect Vladimir Lenin?

ttommyunger February 9, 2011 at 1:32 pm

I for one will not miss Senator Webb. I never quite feel comfortable about a man who makes obvious efforts to appear masculine and then behaves like a total pussy when the chips are down. At least Macaca man is a totally known quantity: all asshole, all of the time.

user-of-owls February 9, 2011 at 1:37 pm

I pecked a man in Reno, just to watch him die.

seppdecker February 9, 2011 at 2:21 pm

Tim Kaine? I'd rather take my chances with the Killer Cock Fighter.

alfred light February 9, 2011 at 2:34 pm

Ooo! It will come down to the hair! George Allen and Tim Kaine both have EPIC hair!!!!

GOPCrusher February 9, 2011 at 4:23 pm

What I would like to know, is how the hell did he get a porn star to take a check?

Negropolis February 10, 2011 at 1:57 am

Meh. Good riddance, really. The guy was way unpredictable, as if he had some kind of dangerously undiagnosed mental illness that was soon to manifest itself in him choking an intern for getting his coffee order incorrect, or knifing a sculpture in Statuary Hall for looking at him funny, or something. To me, this is just another sign of his trademark unpredictability. I've never been a big fan of mavericks, to be honest; because most of the time it involves a level of self-infatuation high for even a congressman.

Negropolis February 10, 2011 at 8:08 am

Aw, I hurt some fanboy's widdle-biddy feelings. :(

Negropolis February 10, 2011 at 2:02 am

I'll tell you as soon as I found out how this affects Sarah Palin, first.

Negropolis February 10, 2011 at 2:06 am

I'm confused. Though as boring as sin, Kaine was a popular governor, from what I hear, who's maintained a relatively high popularity rating sense. The guy obviously has a built in electoral base from which to go back to. This doesn't sound like a lost Senate seat, to me. Obviously, it'll be harder to keep than it was to gain it in 2008, but what's with all the bitch-and-moan? There are Democrat in states that'd kill to be in the shape that Democrats are in in VA.

Plus, you guys still have Mark Warner, who while I also don't like much, is still a Democratic senator.

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