BREAKING: Jim Webb Not Running For Re-Election; Photo of Rooster Confirms

  a macaca shows its colors

Cock dysfunction.
Brave Macaca hero Jim Webb has bravely decided to give up even trying to run for re-election to the U.S. Senate against half-witted football man George Allen. We can confirm this because the photo for this story on Google News is of a rooster that stabbed and killed a man at a cockfight. Yeah, that sounds like one of Jim Webb’s friends. Webb has now released a statement, and you’ll never guess which sector he’s going into!

However, after much thought and consideration I have decided to return to the private sector, where I have spent most of my professional life, and will not seek re-election in 2012.

Notwithstanding this decision, I have every intention of remaining involved in the issues that affect the well-being and the future of our country.

He will be in the private sector but he will still be “involved” with the same political issues. Oh, so he’s going to be a lobbyist. How original. Yeah, that sweet lobbyist money is definitely worth forcing George Allen on this country for another six years. America understands. Jim Webb got to get paid.

Thus ends the political career of Jim Webb, once heralded as a tough, fresh face in the party, or one that didn’t look like a pussy, at least. His one major legislative accomplishment, however? Bringin’ unregistered gunz into the Capitol.

So who will be the new tough guy to run against George Allen? Probably Tim Kaine. Yeah, good luck with that, Democrats. [WP]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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