Your Wonkette is going to be at CPAC starting tomorrow to bring you all the fun and excitement of conservative furry sex parties and people yelling at Arab Americans. But here’s a little preview of what’s to come: Ron Paul is trying really hard to win this year’s presidential straw poll, which is always especially important at this point in the presidential cycle. And by “important,” we mean a bunch of inside-baseball media will take it very seriously for a few days and campaign types will put a lot of effort into it, and then it will be promptly forgotten. Yes, Ron Paul could well join the hallowed ranks of such past straw-poll-winning presidents of the United States as Phil Gramm, Steve Forbes, Gary Bauer, Mitt Romney, Rudy Giuliani, and George Allen. And also 2010 winner Ron Paul.
Paul’s Campaign for Liberty, the a 501(c)4 organization he founded after ending his ’08 campaign, has in fact put together an extensive, and expensive, campaign for the conference. A source close to the conference said the Paul group bought 1,000 tickets to the conference, and a Paul aide told another Republican that they’d recruited at least 700 supporters to vote for him.
We are certain this will probably be a bunch of ponytailed and odd-smelling young libertarians in suits doing the voting, but we really hope they save money by hiring homeless people to vote. BUY LOCAL, PAULITES.
But uh oh, here’s 2008 Paul aide John Tate:
CPAC 2011 is only a few weeks, and we are falling short of our recruitment goal. Last year, our movement shocked the establishment when Ron Paul won the Presidential Straw Poll with the largest vote total in its history. This year, they are aware of our presence, and they are planning to bus in hundreds of their blind followers to counter our grassroots energy. If you and I do not redouble our efforts in these last few weeks, I am afraid we will be outnumbered.
Fuck busing people. This calls for a BLIMP.
What happens if Ron Paul loses this vote? Will the Internet be deprived of its four-year cicada-like hatching of Ron Paul nuts? We hope not. And also: No, because this straw poll thing is pointless. [Ben Smith]
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Ron Quixote with his faithful sidekick/son Randy "I hate all Panchos" will go forth again to tilt prenit election windmills on his trusty Blimp.
To dream the unpossible dream
To fight the electable foe
To bear with unbearable righteousness
To run where the sane dare not go
To shill the unuseable gold coins
To love pure and chaste from afar
To try when the Cheetos run out
To reach the unseeable blimp
This is my quest
To follow that blimp
No matter how stupid
No matter how far
If only the original song weren't exactly this insufferable.
Blind, yes. Also dumb.
Do you know how annoying cicadas are? That noise! And now the Paul-cadas might be coming back? Time to buy more aspirin.
Hey now!
I can't help but take this personally.
The noise is nasty, but I'll suffer through it until molting season. Hubba-hubba!
I'm sorry. While the noise is a bit hard to take, cicadas are fascinating insects. Hey…if I tie a string around your abdomen, will you fly around for me?
I told you before Senator Vitter, I'm not that kind of arthropod!
A c'mon…you know what they say, "once you fly thread you'll never leave the bed.
What about Al-cadas? Those are pretty damned annoying, too.
Or Rascals with radar.
In a straw poll, do they use actual straw – or do they use straws. Those flavored ones were real cool.
Twisty straws.
More like Crazy Straws.
Real US Americans are boycotting CPAC because of the presence of GOProud. They refuse to be part of this Bendy-Straw Poll.
Only if you're white at Woolworth's.
Bring out the blimp!
The blimp's asleep.
Is a "straw poll" like the straw house in "The Three Little Pigs"?
It is certainly just as useful.
In the sense it attracts a lot of blowing, yes.
Straw poll, straw man. Whatever. So long as it brings in the contributions from the Paultards. So what if I'm a loon, we could really win this time!
Paul's handlers must be getting better. He spoke for 47 seconds and didn't make any mega disconnects that caused my head to asplode. Either that or I'm getting older….mumble, stumble, drool, drool.
Instead of the blind leading the blind, it appears that it's degenerated into a slap fight.
Vote for Aqua Buddha's dad!
I love the smell of Paultard in the morning. It smells like…mildew and cigarette butts.
and their moth balls, which like their penises and intellects are so small you need a magnifying…oh, nevermind.
Is CPAC at the Washington Hilton? I'd like to know where it is so that I can avoid that part of town for a few days.
The "blind followers" he refers to are those of other candidates, who may possibly be blind, if we are to read it grammatically as in "Palin followers". Does he have something against the sight-challenged.
For some reason I'm reminded of a headline that the Onion rejected: "Gay Retard Teased"
Ron Paul hates Trig!
straw polls : elections :: CPAC : _____
a) [sexual] Congress
b) CSPAN
c) reducing the size of government
d) T
e) – all of the above
Reminds me of the time my eighth grade class voted me most likely to succeed. Boy, were they wrong (if you don't count 1980 Quarters champion in college).
Did you go to a School for the Blind?
If I had followers like that I'd quit politics and consider a career in Real Estate.
People with sleep apnea have presidential straw polls?
Tupac sells CPAC CPAP Crap on CSPAN
Apropos of CPAC:
http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/doc/cas/220172...
A fun lady? I haz a confuzed. It's CPAC and all.
I read "fun lady" as "well-hung she-male"
I assume he means "man wearing ladiez underwear and a wig"
I call and raise http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/doc/m4m/220335...
Though it seems a little too perfect.
Yeah the "frat" and "latino" don's really seem to match. The rest sounds quite plausible though.
I'm thinking not so much latino as really, really tan (ala Boner)
I fold.
This is genius. Who will take up the challenge? To the craiglist, wonketteers.
Visualize this campaign: Paul/Paul vs Palin/Palin 2012!
Who would Jesus vote for?
If Ron Paul can get that massive homo-Republican CPAC bloc, he's a lock for the White House.
Yep. He'll have the wealthy interior designer vote sewed up, so to speak.
Ron Paul is a goner as soon as someone else stands up and lets the Iowans know that the fruit of Ron Paul's very loins, now a US Senator, plans on ripping all those juicy farm subsidies from their fat, ethanol-smelling fingers.
Unless those subsidies are being redistributed to the wealthy, of course, because redstate tards would willingly starve themselves to death to keep the rich comfortable.
He's probably a sponsor.
Near Adams Morgan? Are the attendees going to be walking on the wild side associating with brown people, or are they going to stick to the hotel bar or cower in their rooms?
Well they sure won't be reading Alexis de Tocqueville
CPAC is the most important part of the GOP presimenstrual cycle, and is affectionately known as "Two Days of Mr. Drippy."
" A source close to the conference said the Paul group bought 1,000 tickets to the conference, and a Paul aide told another Republican that they’d recruited at least 700 supporters to vote for him."
Ron Paul's from Chicago?
Who gives a shit about Rand Paul…the headline here is that WONKETTE will be covering!1!!!!!11!!
I expect missives via the interwebs, the twitters, by pony express and smoke signal. And lots and lots of pictures.
This is going to be SO MUCH FUN.
Wonder who gets the short straw – Jack or Riley?
You be a libertarian and it gives you some neat slogans which work for teabagger twits, but can cause problems later on if you make it to network news, where you need the courage of your convictions, a Paul family shortage – as we remember when Paul Jr had trouble weaseling out of a simple question Rachel had about whether the gumint should've intervened when sit-ins in Private Enterprise Zones were being abused by random street goons. Yammer yammer, said Sorta Dr Rand.
Daddy Ron had identical trouble answering Tim Russert's query about why, if he was so dead-set against earmarks, he plugged in so many of his own during his career. Yammer yammer, mealymouthed St Paul.
Here's what he shoulda said, which is the truth. It's from a goon who was busted with his fellow libertarians for gang rape. The perp's defense: "I have always been against violence against women categorically. But I saw the rape was going down despite my best efforts and fondest hopes, so I figured I'd better grab my share."
I just hope those hundreds of blind followers paid for their own canes, because god forbid they should take gummint aid
Tee-Hee
"Pole"
Remember back in 2008 how the Paultards would jump in on every post that mentions their idol? They were fun to deal with. Hey folks, he may have been right on the Iraq but that's just the stopped clock form of right; that doesn't change the facts that 1) he's so stupid he believes in Ayn Rand's crock-of-shit "philosophy", 2) he wants to go back to the gold standard, an economic policy that made the Great Depression much worse than it might have been, and 3) he cozies up with racists.
Now they just downfist entire threads. I prefer that to the earnest screeds full of words like "sheeple" and references to the gold standard. Less scrolling!
He also is for the legalization of marijuana, but that may be his only redeeming feature.
So he is right twice a day: Iraq and MJ.
Isn't this CPAC gathering the one what's being boycotted because some of the Oral Majority types are afraid of catching ghey?
It is transmitted orally.
Ironically, you need a suppository to cure it.
Shelter the homoless.
And by "presidential cycle" do you actually mean "Ron Paul's Menstrual Cycle?"
What's all this about CRAC. Are these people are CRAC heads? Or is it just that they're all full of CRAP? (I wonder why they took me off their mailing list, also.)
You mean, the Center for Republican Achievement and Conservative Knowledge (CRACK)?
Seeing Ron make an independent run would be glorious, especially if he got in the debates to ramble like Ross and the senile Stockdale did.
"Who am I and why am I here?" has to go down as the most truthful statement ever uttered in a debate.
Which one? "Big, fat propagandist" describes the vast majority of the male right-wing pundits.
It hugged our Riley. And probably broke wind while doing so.
Riley's in with Breifart should yield some really hard-hitting, in depth reporting from the TeaTard Convention.
Ron Paul: President of White People!
Catchy.
What's this shit with the Paultards again? According to AOL/HuffeyPo, the real dark horse candidate is Boss Hogg, Haley Barbour.
Bring on the Barbourtards!
If Boss Hogg runs under his screen name he'll carry the South (or course they certainly aren't going to carry him.)
Instead of "Paultards" I, again, suggest "Krugers (c)."
Don't cry for me, Paultardtina~
That's funny. I've been thinking since we don't get our Comics anymore on Friday, we should have a "Biggest Asshole" award. Be fuck all hard to keep with however, since you'd have to post a new one every ten minutes.
Fuck straw polls. Lets drop ol' Ron out of a blimp and see how high he bounces. That's how real men measure popularity.
I suspect Jon Stewart dubbed in the voice offering Snausages to an invisible dog, but that's how I'll always remember it.
Not enough.
Those cut out lines ARE rather uniform.
planning to bus in hundreds of their blind followers
In other words, the Bachmann constituency.
http://wonkette.com/436241/oh-that-explains-it-mi...
It just struck me how far we have fallen. At one time we had a political dynasty of Kennedys. Now, long after they were exterminated, we have a political dynasty of Pauls. Gawd help USAmurrika.
My movements often shock people, as well. Pretty sure they have a better chance of getting elected president, though.
Wow, either there's less appreciation for a good poop joke in these parts than previously evidence suggested, or the haters be hatin' again.
Yeah, busing them in…on taxpayer funded roads! Transportation infrastructure is theft!
When libertarians walk through their neighborhoods, they must first gain the permission of all of their neighbors to walk through their front and back yards so as to avoid the public sidewalks and streets, you know, the "hot lava."
I don't know–getting all those 30-somethings out of their mom's basement ain't gonna be easy, what with the free wifi and basic cable.
Joseph Kony > Uganda > Child Soldiers
Ron Paul > USA > Childish Soldiers
How many of those blind followers were patients of Rand Paul?
If that fails, there's always the option of smoking the poll.
It does seem like they have these things two or three times a month. (Secret motto: With CPAC you're rarely alone.)
So that's where all the residents of the mental hospitals went when Reagan kicked them out in the street!
I envy Wonkette and its ability to attend CPAC (also known as the worlds biggest variety show for fucktards). I look forward to St. Sarah kicking Dr. Paul's little Libertarian hiney – just for laughs.
All of it, Charlie
Nah. Taibbi's got that covered now with his Supreme Court of Assholedom. They're accepting cases now, I hear.
…because this straw poll thing is pointless.
Oh Jack, Jack, Jack. You haven't grasped the essence: it is the very pointlessness of this that make it all the more worthwhile and even essential. This is CPAC, not … not … well, not any vote that actually means anything.
Ron Paul never really goes away, especially not here in Austin where bearded organic food eating hipsters on bikes have little Ron Paul buttons on their satchels. I never understood the fascination 20-something obvious lefties had with Ron Paul.
By the way he's a monumental tard if he doesn't run for Kay Bailey's senate seat and would rather piss that away on a bid for pres-o-dent.
Can't Ron Paul just borrow Dennis Kucinch's fans? Or maybe Dennis's wife's fans?
They could send Arielle – as a woman she would be in no danger from most of the CPAC attendees.
The man who brought America Rand "Aqua Buddha Said To Stomp On That Hippy's Head" Paul is already POTU&S (prezdint o' the ugly & stupid) so winning this CPAC clutching-at-straws poll will just be icing on the fruitcake.
RON PAUL 2011: WYSIWYG.
Busing? I thought Libtards were against busing, because freedom.
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