religion detectives

Iowa Caucus Voters Know What’s Going On With Egypt: Obama’s Muslim


There are some things Frank Luntz and Fox News would rather not say explicitly out loud if they don’t have to. Luckily, they have Republican voters to back them up and make the insane connections they merely insinuate. Who here thinks Obama is a Muslim and that is why he is letting Egypt become a democracy or whatever? Very good, very good. You all get ice cream.

Of course, the best part comes at the 0:35 mark with the bald guy:

“He talks about making them into a republic, but all he talks about are democracies. He doesn’t know what a republic is.”

Sounds like a Basil Marceaux plant. Everyone leaves this inane comment alone, but Luntz should have pressed further and asked if Obama’s Muslimness influenced him to support traffic-stop slavery. THERE’S the truth. Thank God we have this jukebox full of small-time wingnuts to tell the news-viewing public how the world works. [via Gawker]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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212 comments

    1. jmarsh04

      But there are white men and women, some old, some young, some fat, and some thin… this is what Republicans call diversity.

    2. VicariousMe

      From http://www.ryanwadleigh.com: "Our Browns are Scottish and the earliest Browns we can trace are from North Carolina and they were probably related to a family that settled in South Carolina. Our Browns were probably Scotch-Irish. This meant that they were originally Scottish people invited by the government to settle on confiscated Irish Catholic lands in Ireland. They were hated by the Irish people and conditions were not improved in Ireland so thousands of them migrated to America in the early 1700's." No mention of Iowa whatsoever.

    3. GOPCrusher

      When you're trapped inside for eight months out of the year, because of the weather, you tend to lose pigmentation.
      Besides, the Brown people are about the only ones that have jobs in this state anymore.

  1. Serolf_Divad

    Siince the video is blocked at work, let me take this moment to say: thank your lucky stars, Wonkette, you are no longer a part of the Gawker empire having to endure that awful new train-wreck of a layout!

    1. SilverFox

      I imagine Wonkette will get surplus poop jokes and snark any day now because of the new layout over there at Gawker.

      1. Serolf_Divad

        I give them two weeks before traffic dies down to such insanely low levels that the top brass swollows their pride, realizes their grand experiment was a fisaco, and goes back to what they had before.

        1. charlesdegoal

          Wish I could say the same thing about these fucking Fox "panels" and their cheap nametags. Watch it when you get home, and cry.

    2. not that Dewey

      Word.

      I see they've eliminated writers' bylines from the front page. Now I have to waste a mouse click and 3 – 5 seconds just to find out whether Newell wrote it. Fuck that.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Exactly, I only read Gawker on rare occasions when somebody says our Jimmy said something funny. I went there yesterday and I couldn't find him in 5 minutes of looking, so I quit.

    3. jjdaddyo

      Hellz to the yeah, I second that opinion of the new Gawker layout. Commenting (reading and writing) now sucks big-time.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        If you must Gawker, then try clicking on the icon to the left of the little house-icon at the very top. It switches you to "Classic Blog Format" and is a lot more readable.

    1. baconzgood

      I know. It was said like it's a bad thing. I was always under the impression when you did somthing "textbook" you did it ideally. Fucking Lunk head!

      1. Barbara_i

        I know that if I were in need of serious surgery the first words I want my doctor to say is, "this will be a textbook procedure"

        1. baconzgood

          I'm going to take out your lung and then we'll see how it goes from there. I'm sure it will all work out.

        1. mumbly_joe

          I'm actually surprised that they took the time out of complaining about how he doesn't know the Constitution, to deride him for being a Constitutional Law professor.

        2. Barbara_i

          Channeling my best Gwen Guthrie…
          "You have to have a G.E.D. if you wanna be with me"

          Sometimes when the wingnuts are making me crazy and my mother-in-law is sending me another on of those "Barack is a Muslim" e-mail, I sneak over to YouTube and watch the footage of Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, announcing that Obama won the election. Stephen leans over and he starts to tear up. He pretends that he is futzing with his computer to hide the tears.

    2. chickensmack

      Textbook answers should be okay to Republicans. Christ has been reinserted as a historical figure, and the dinosaur he rode has photos in it.

      1. Terry

        They should show this every single evening on every Iowa television station, pointing out that if you don't vote in the primary THESE are the people to whom you are ceeding the decision making.

      2. genxr

        These are your average Americans. By definition, they have an IQ of 100.

        I think I'll abandon my earthly possessions and walk into the ocean now.

  2. ManchuCandidate

    Still can't their pointy stupid drenched in white entitlement heads around the fact that a half black guy BORN in Hawaii is their preznit.

    I suspect that even if Barry was named Barry Smith that they'd still be shrieking about the birf certificate.

  3. baconzgood

    To be fair some of the greatest political minds came out of Iowa and watch Faux Noose. People like….um….ahhhhhh…that one….no, Eisenhower was from Texas…uhhhhh….Nope, I got nothing.

    1. Preferred Customer

      This is actually a new exhibit at Disney, the "Donald Rumsfeld of Tomorrow." Unfortunately, it's not ready, so they have to open with the Donald Rumsfeld they've got.

  4. Oblios_Cap

    Given those individuals' large size and lack of intelligence, one can only surmise that too many Iowans have visiting their stump-broke cattle and have created a hybrid human-milk cow race ,i.e. the Iowa GOP.

  5. Come here a minute

    Every crisis sneaks up on him.

    If he'd only seen it coming like our [rendition] friend in Egypt, Hosni Mubarak. Now where's my ice cream?

    1. DoktorZoom

      Now, of course, if he'd been exceptionally well-prepared for a sudden change in geopolitics, we'd know that he was a spy.

  6. SorosBot

    As a former Constitutional law professor, I think Obama knows what a Republic is, crazy old man. Nice to see the confused Fox reporter reaping what his network has sowed in having to deal with the crazy.

    Also, thanks for the Neville Chamberlain reference, crazy soundbite spewer! Is there any situation in foreign policy that right-wingers have not used that analogy?

    1. Preferred Customer

      Is he really a "former" "Constitutional" "law" "professor"? Or is he actually a current imam professor of muslim jihad? HMM? Think about it.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        I think the real problem here is old white dude doesn't know the definitions of the words "republic" and "democracy."

        All he knows is :
        Republic = republican = good
        Democracy = democrat = bad

    2. JustPixelz

      Neville Chamberlain, eh. Making Muslim Brotherhood equivalent to Nazi Germany, a dubious inference.

      I guess if we ain't blowing something up, we're appeasing.

    3. Toomush_Infer

      But , of course, the only non-Neville Chamberlain allowed alternative is: "Bomb 'em! Bomb they asses back to the Dark Ages, when it was, like dark all the time, also…."

  7. EatsBabyDingos

    The last good thing to come out of Iowa was the Amana RadarRange and, uh, Quaker Oats?

    New Logo: "Iowa: Just as Batshitty as our Neighbor to the North, Minnesota, doncha know."

      1. BerkeleyBear

        A nice creamy blue for nascent lovers of stinky cheese. Apparently they used to make an even funkier blue goat cheese but stopped a while back.

        Still, it doesn't rank up there with the best Euros (Stilton, anything from Normandy, gorgonzola, etc.) or even the best domestic blues (most of which come from Rogue Creamery in Oregon – they do a reserve wrapped in brandy soaked leaves that I have seen make women shudder in ecstasy) – so Maytag isn't enough of a reason to spare Iowa the nuking it deserves for crap like this and forcing Chuck Grassley and Steve King on us all.

    1. Negropolis

      Minnesota actually has a Mulsim congressman (from Detroit; Michigan represent!), and a black one, no less.

  8. slithytoves

    My favorite is at 25 sec: I don't think he has a grasp on how serious this could be

    Because it is unlikely that the President of the United States gets any briefings from the Joint Chiefs of Staff or pretty much anyone.

    Reminds me of the old adage, (Twain?)" Better to keep your mouth closed and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."

    1. twaingirl

      Sounds like something my avatar said. He also said: "Education: that which reveals to the wise, and conceals from the stupid, the vast limits of their knowledge."

    2. JustPixelz

      Speaking of not having a grasp of how serious something could be… May I direct your attention to "bin Laden Determined to Strike in United States".

    3. ChessieNefercat

      I think by that he really means, he's a black, ya know, and they just can't think intelleckshully like white people can, ya know, because their brains are different ya know, so he can't have a grasp on how serious this could be.

  9. freakishlywrong

    Fuck I hate Republicans, wingnut Iowans, Frank Luntz, Fux "News". I'm exhausted by the ignorance. Fuck off and die.

  10. Dr_pangloss

    I would say Iowa is quickly over running Florida for the crazy but Florida is full of these same ignorant assholes. YUP The Presidents a Musslin, Trucknuts! Yeehaw the South will Rise Again!

    1. freakishlywrong

      What's really scary is the elected Governor is the craziest of all if FL. I'm trying to figure out where to flee before all the cops and teachers are laid off and poor people are informed that their only option of surviving are "boot straps". Abortion will be illegal though, so all the poors if they do get knocked up will have to carry the baby to term and make even more poors. All this while eliminating the corporate tax, nullifying ACA and giving tax breaks to billionaires.

    2. Maman

      In the past when crazies said their piece they were properly ignored or even shunned. They never got near the teevee. With 24-hour news, you have to fill time. Even if it is with the crazy.

      1. Chet Kincaid

        Not to mention the infinite Internet. That's why it's necessary to take one's head out of the swirling shithole occassionally, or you'll end up like cops who think any (brown) one they meet is a scumbag malefactor.

  11. SilverFox

    The bald guy is right. Constitutional republics with representative democracy sound awful. I would never want to live in one of those. What, with their majority rule, peaceful transition of power, and respect of minority rights. They probably don't even exist! Just a figment of Obama's silly, liberal imagination.

  12. Zvi_Bleindmeis

    Frank Luntz needs a new, more semiotically-loaded name.

    "Job Killing" Luntz
    "Death Tax" Luntz
    "Fat Toupeed Manipulative Masturbator" Luntz

    Just a few suggestions, Frank.

  13. jrients

    “He talks about making them into a republic, but all he talks about are democracies. He doesn’t know what a republic is.”

    I couldn't tell you how many rightwingers have used that old "we're a republic, not a democracy" line with me. They like to save it especially when their backwards opinion are obviously in the minority.

    1. DoktorZoom

      They also like to say it as if they are in posession of an arcane truth that mere mortals are unaware of–they like to think of themselves as the only ones who really know what's going on, unlike the rest of the sheeple. This is often because Glenn Beck has taught them the TRVTH

      1. genxr

        And all this time I thought I was deciding the course of the Nation through Faux Newz polls, ala Direct Demokracy!

    2. genxr

      I have the Oxford Dictionary app on my iphone. If anyone ever pulls that old line on me, I just show them the entry for democracy:

      "a system of government by the whole population or all the eligible members of a state, typically through elected representatives."

      Then tell them they shouldn't be arguing with me, they should be arguing with the dictionary.

    3. Chet Kincaid

      I am happy to be black, partly because white wingnuts would never even think of having such conversations with me. It saves my blood pressure and their dental work.

    4. ChessieNefercat

      I think they believe it somehow proves Democrats are stupid, because only the Republicans were smart enough to name their party after the the real gummint. Stupid Democrats think we have a democracy. Haha.

      Also, they seem to think, based on gibberish that I've heard them spew, that being a republic means that whole one man, one vote thing can be modified in whatever means necessary to ensure that the vote, citizenship, etc. is limited to white, male, landowners.

  14. Fare la Volpe

    Well, glad to see that pesky resurgence of "nuance" was stopped dead in its tracks.

    All the rust on their hand-crank dildos must have finally spread to their brains.

    1. DoktorZoom

      You know what word I'm not comfortable with? Nuance. It's not a real word. Like gesture. Gesture's a real word. With gesture you know where you stand. But nuance? I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong.

  15. donner_froh

    The comment by the first guy is great: "I don't think he has a grasp on how serious this could be".

    While I, a Republican activist who is so far around the bend that Fox News picks me as the initial spokesman for their insane drivel, know the issues and details perfectly."

    1. DoktorZoom

      This is the predictable result of an electorate that votes for the candidate who they'd most like to have a beer with. You start assuming that everyone in the world is roughly as well-informed as you and everyone else at the sports bar are, and so if someone else disagrees, well then, they need to start watching FOX so that they can get the straight dope.

  16. OkieDokieDog

    I watched this vid yesterday and thought, My, what a pleasant and intelligent group of white peoples.

    Ha! Not really. I actually thought, My gawd, what a bunch of gawdamn fucking idiots.

  17. noodlesalad

    "The different accidents of life are not so changeable as the feelings of human nature. I had worked hard for nearly two years, for the sole purpose of infusing life into an inanimate body. For this I had deprived myself of rest and health. I had desired it with an ardour that far exceeded moderation; but now that I had finished, the beauty of the dream vanished, and breathless horror and disgust filled my heart." Frank Luntz, meet Mary Shelley.

  18. Blendergoathead

    This is why presidential races "begin" with Iowa. It establishes the stupidity baseline, and the analysts work from there.

    Fucktards, the lot of them.

  19. PublicLuxury

    Iowa isn't even close to the REAL make-up of the United States. I understand why the small states have their primaries first. . . representation and all that. Iowa is about as 'representative' of Americans as North Dakota or Alaska. Mostly white. Mostly republican. Some Native Americans tossed in for good measure. Conservative Crimson. Completely unrealistic as a picture of what America looks like.

    But then, who said politics is realistic?

    1. SorosBot

      Well we wouldn't want the early primaries, with their oversized importance in selecting the President, to be conducted by one of those, you know, urban states.

      1. gurukalehuru

        Sorry about that. I intended to offer a defense of my native state, which is not nearly as red as North Dakota, for instance, but my 4 year old got to the keyboard. Not bad, for her first posting at Wonkette.

    2. GOPCrusher

      But we do allow gays to marry.
      Now, if we could get medicinal marijuana and access to the ocean, we would have a leg up on California.

  20. Ruhe

    The distinction between republics and democracies is important to these Red Heifers as it's unlikely that bovine voting rights would be protected under a pure democracy.

  21. charlesdegoal

    I watch a lot of TV discussions here in France. Without wanting to sound uppity about it, I cannot remember ever seeing anything remotely as insane as this. Explains a lot.

    1. Terry

      Well, I did see a clip from on the street interviews with Parisians about Iraq. One woman stood out in particular. She kept repeating how all French citizens must protest regarding Iraq because France has always stood for human rights and held itself to the highest standards in that area. While I agree about protesting regarding Iraq, I couldn't help but think that the residents of fairly large sections of Africa, southeast Asia, and certain bits of South America and the Carribean might have something to say regarding civil rights under the French through history.

        1. Terry

          My sympathy for the Huguenots is limited as they went on to found South Carolina and we know how well that all turned out.

  22. baconzgood

    Turn off the sound then go to 1:04

    "How many of you are doltish douche bags that wouldn't know a fact even if it crawled into your bed and rubbed it's fact poo-tang on you?"

  23. 4tehlulz_lite

    Man, if you think they're mad now, imagine what will happen when the ISLAMOFASCIST KENYAN (re: House teapartiers) "forget" to include farm subsidies in next year's budget.

  24. Wadisay

    Thank goodness we were reminded twice that these are all Iowa Republican caucus voters, otherwise I would have thought it was the Princeton religion department.

  25. iburl

    Iowa, The underservedly self-important dumbass state. I say strip these corn-welfare queens of their first primary position.

    "You believe he's a Muslim?"
    "Yes"
    (here would have been the place where a real reporter would ask the one word followup question: "Why?")

    1. baconzgood

      Because then they would say " 'causin' ya'll on my TeeVee hasin' been tolding me that overs and overs since bofer the e-lec-shion"

  26. bureaucrap

    I got nothing. Just too appalling.

    Luntz: "You realize, you people, that the rest of the country will think you're delta-minus semi morons when they see that you all think that the President is muslim, right?"
    Group: "We believe whatever we need to in order to see the President as evil incarnate."

  27. jjdaddyo

    Nothing like letting two of the oldest, whitest, dumbest States in the Union (NH and IA) decide who's going to be able to run for President. The '12 Republican race is going to be SOOOOOOOO much fun…

  28. freakishlywrong

    This is just so embarrassing. We elect a young, smart, pragmatic guy, and appear, as a nation, to be young smart, and pragmatic as well. And we have a minority that will go out and find the oldest, most ignorant, bigoted assholes in the country and present them as likely American voters. I'm embarrassed.

  29. Thurman Munster IV

    Unfortunately, you can find such willfully stupid people in every one of the states and, no, I'm not from IA. And there's no room for wiggle. Also.

  30. mumbly_joe

    You know, it would be insanely racist, and thus, Very Wrong, for me to proclaim or operate under the assumption that all white people are complete fuckwits. But goddamn, is Fox News ever reinforcing this racist stereotype, for me.

  31. Sue4466

    Opinion has so long ago replaced facts, we can't be surprised. If enough people in a room think Obama's a Muslim, that proves he's a Muslim. If enough people don't believe in global climate change, it's not happening, no matter what the Polar Bears "believe" about there being no ice and all.

  32. el_chupacabra

    I am so very glad we give Iowa such a prominent position in the "choose the leader of the free world" game.

  33. Soylent Green

    Replace 'muslim' with 'black' and I see where they want to go with this one. I coughed, and the word 'racist' came out.

  34. bflrtsplk

    Enough already. We know he`s Muslin. It drives Michelle crazy when he puts out his cigarettes and spills beer on the prayer rug.

  35. Zombie_Reagan

    Based on the answers given by these rubes, I cannot fathom how anyone can be surprised that "Red" China will soon outpace 'merica in virtually every category.

  36. Allmighty_Manos

    So now we have statistical proof that Iowa GOP caucus voters are xenophobic, meatheaded retards. This bodes well for Bachmann 2012.

  37. Thurman Munster IV

    For you 30 rock fans…
    Frank Luntz looks like Lutz and Bobby Jindal looks and acts like Kenneth

    Lutz/Kenneth 2012!

  38. WhatTheHeck

    Exactly what I thought. Each of those ‘chosen’ to speak immediately gave, what appeared to be, a well rehearsed statement.

  39. cheaphits

    Sorry, I don't think it's geography. Iowa has a top ranked educational system and is said the speak the most unaccented, purest English on the planet.

    You would get a similar group of conservatives saying the same things in New York, California, Chicago or D.C. – being from there doesn't make you a bit smarter – probably the opposite.

    Beck, Limbaugh, et. al. are nationwide and prey on people who are afraid of the future and want to revive a past that never existed.

    1. jrients

      What's this bullshit about purity in the English language? Nothing pure about it. Last time I checked English makes all the other languages its bitches.

    2. Chet Kincaid

      What the fuck is "unaccented English"? There are accents even in the birthplace of the damned language! And what would "unaccented" prove about anyone, anyway?

      1. cheaphits

        It's not at all complicated – unaccented English is the phonetic dictionary pronunciation. And, yes, accents abound. In fact there is a web site that you speak into over a microphone and with 80% accuracy (they claim), they can tell within 50 miles where you grew up.

        1. Chet Kincaid

          Yeah, but whose dictionary are you going to use? I just don't get how you can say that Iowan English is unaccented, or "the purest on the planet." Accents are relative, and they affect pronunciation.

  40. Cat_Damon

    I really hope that this is representative of the entire Republican caucus voting bloc in that state. If it is, then Iowa will elect Sarah Palin as the nominee 70-25-5, with Huck and Mittens as also-rans. Let 'em have it.

  41. jlr1076

    Snark off for a second. Make no mistake about it, but we're at war with these troglodytes. Maybe not actual war-war yet (like rape-rape), but these mouth-breathing idiots are our enemies. And sooner or later, shit's going to get insane. Ok, snark on.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Exactly. These are the same morans that are trying to overthrow the entire Supreme Court in Iowa because they had the audacity to rule that not allowing same-sex marriage is unconstitutional.
      The only difference between these people and the Taliban, is language and the burkas.
      If they had their way, that fat pig that claimed that President Obama's religion rules his decisions and said that he is a Muslim, would have been stoned to death for the high crime of not having her face covered in public and speaking.

  42. valgal2342

    Dear Iowa Republicans: "It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." -Yours Truly, Mark Twain.

  43. Steverino247

    These dumbfucks would take two plates of food at the cafeteria and bitch about there not being any Sweet-n-Low for their coffee.

    (I'm sparing you a really long story here, trust me.)

  44. MarshallBanana

    I've said it before, and I'll say it again:

    None of that matters because freedom.

    It's just such a zen thought, which people can casually use to dismiss absolutely any fact that passes near their Dunning-Kruger-effect-addled brains.

  45. MistaEko

    Fade in "The 2012 Primaries" at the end of that and you've got one hell of an ad for a News Channel.

  46. spinozasgod

    Why is it that wingnuts can't fathom that the words "democracy" and "republic" can not co-exist? What is a republic? Why it is: "The term republic has many different meanings, but today often refers to a representative democracy with an elected head of state."

  47. slowhansolo

    Never trust a state with four letters and three syllables. On the other hand, the "Body By Iowa" diet seems to be working out for old Frank, at least…

  48. Worthly Wokette Skum

    I love how Luntz pleads with them to consider how what they're saying will look to a nationwide audience and they resolutely ignore him and march straight off the cliff.

  49. imissopus

    I almost sent this in to the tips line the other day and then got distracted, uh, living my life. I think the best moment is when Frank Luntz starts asking if they all know what a can of worms they are opening up. It's like even that jabbering moron realizes what his 25 years of bullshitting Republican voters hath wrought.

  50. JohnWalsh

    This is what a steady diet of UFC fights, warring chromosomes and anus-burger hormones will get you: Real Amurricans.

  51. carlgt1

    As Americans get even dumber — is it any surprise that jobs are leaving the country forever? What jobs are these irrational people qualified for, if they can't even perceive reality?

  52. Chet Kincaid

    In our rush to pile on, let's not forget that the Muslim WON the Iowa Caucus in 2008. There is a rumor that he was actually elected President, as well.

    I hear Iowans also get together and discuss shit in a civilized manner to arrive at the candidates they will back. That is so Un-American, I can't believe they are fatheaded white folks!

  53. AlaskaGrrl

    Oh those narrow minded, intolerant Liberals. I meant the name just says it all doesn't it? Not like those conservatives with their open acceptance and willingness to listen to all sides of a question.

    Why? Why, when these people say such inordinately stupid things, so grossly illogical and internally inconsistent, why don't their heads explode?

  54. Negropolis

    I'm really kind of horrified they went there knowing full well they were being taped for a national television audience. They aren't even trying to hide their loonery, anymore.

    Honestly, what do you do with these people, short of putting them in FEMA concentration camps, of course?

  55. Negropolis

    Can't we just be done with this? Can't we have a nationally televised townhall where these folks get to personally ask Obama about his religion and origins? You know, expose their crazy, wild-eyed shit-for-brains worldview for all to see?

    How does Obama win agains this stuff? You know, "Hillary/Bill killed Vince Foster" was kind of quirky and funny in its disturbing ridiculousness and fringeness. This "Obama's a secret Muslim hell-bent on selling out America" is just insidious and it's no longer on the fringes. It's really not funny or cute or clever or ironic.

Comments are closed.