BETTER THAN HOLY WATER  4:31 pm February 8, 2011

Single Photograph Will Keep You From Ever Thinking About Sex Again

by Ken Layne

Pray harder to Oprah.Do you have a “pretend sex addiction”? Or, if you’re lucky enough to occasionally be around people who drunkenly agree to have sex with you, do you lack interest in “real sex” because of the hot Internet trend of becoming physically numb/impotent when trying to make sexytime with an actual warm human body because of the inexhaustible supply of tawdry pornography on your iPhone, which you cannot stop looking at for even one minute? In other words, do you want an easy way to break yourself from the cripplingly awful tedium of Internet porn addiction? We have a solution for you, young people of America! No longer will you lose entire days of your “search for employment or a community college that will take you back” to the wickedness of free naked people pictures. Just bookmark the following image and click it whenever you’re tempted.

Not even a priest will want to shtup a little boy after seeing this picture.You’re, uhh, welcome! [Some Twitter Picture]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 94 comments }

SorosBot February 8, 2011 at 4:35 pm

The torturer's apprentice.

Ruhe February 8, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Epic.

BornInATrailer February 8, 2011 at 5:04 pm

You, sir, get a cookie.

DonnyKerabotsos February 8, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Naw…he's a journeyman, at least.

MARCdMan February 8, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Holy crap it works!

Barbara_i February 8, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Manny, Moe and Jackoff.

outragedcitizen February 9, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Back when I was a kid, I'd take those Pep boy match books and poke a hole in the crotch of each guy then pull a match through the hole like a giant redheaded cock. I think doing the same to the above picture would improve it greatly.

SexySmurf February 8, 2011 at 4:37 pm

For a second there I thought I was at Lemonparty.org.

Zombie_Reagan February 8, 2011 at 8:33 pm

I can only imagine how many reichwing trolls will be entering that website address.

I laffed.

baconzgood February 8, 2011 at 4:39 pm

My woman will be very pissed at you this Valentine's day.

edgydrifter February 8, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Awesome. Now I have an innie. Uncool, man.

Tengu February 8, 2011 at 4:39 pm

I fantasize about Oprah calling me 'Dr. Fill'.

SexySmurf February 8, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Gayle King, is that you?

Cicada February 8, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Rummy looks so excited because Bolton promised everyone mustache rides after the taping.

SorosBot February 8, 2011 at 4:40 pm

At least there's the cleavage in the Netflix ad to counter the horror of that image.

prommie February 8, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Ummmmmm. She's hawt.

Redhead February 8, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Watching porn and having sex are mutually exclusive? When did this happen?

Ken Layne February 8, 2011 at 4:52 pm

Life is getting worse and worse! Haven't you heard?

prommie February 8, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Is that entropy or something? The second law of thermodynamics, suckitude perpetually increases?

V572625694 February 8, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Ken's right that the world's getting worse, but a few ladiez of my acquaintance seem to get all het up after viewing some pr0n.

Redhead February 8, 2011 at 5:15 pm

In my experience, porn seems to preclude sex, not replace it.

edgydrifter February 8, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Bolton is smiling. Somewhere there must be browns weeping over the ashes of their village.

gef05 February 8, 2011 at 4:42 pm

I have an existential emergency:

I'm using porn to overcome my addiction to work, so do I bookmark the photo or not?

elviouslyqueer February 8, 2011 at 4:42 pm

GODDAMMIT, KEN. NSFW!

SayItWithWookies February 8, 2011 at 4:43 pm

What the hell is KFC gonna do with their new Chickenshit & Asshole Double Down Sandwich?

AngryGeometer February 8, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Call it "The Surge".

SayItWithWookies February 8, 2011 at 5:34 pm

It's working already.

DashboardBuddha February 8, 2011 at 7:49 pm

Thank you…best laugh I've had all day.

mrblifil February 8, 2011 at 4:46 pm

Menage-a-twat.

DeeJayKitteh February 8, 2011 at 5:18 pm

But in a bad way.

mumbly_joe February 8, 2011 at 4:47 pm

It works, but I still end up weeping quietly to myself afterwards, so it's really pretty much a wash.

harry_palmer February 8, 2011 at 4:48 pm

We may never want sex again, but the fact that these guys are or ever have been anywhere near the levers of power means that we are well and truly fucked.

Ruhe February 8, 2011 at 4:54 pm

But, Tania, did they fuck us so we stay fucked?

BaldarTFlagass February 9, 2011 at 6:55 am

Proper fucked?

PublicLuxury February 8, 2011 at 4:49 pm

There are dust bunnies under my bed. I've been under it a lot lately as this country scares the dust out of me.

Monsieur_Grumpe February 8, 2011 at 4:49 pm

Sounds heard coming from the other side of Ann Coulter’s door…
Fap, fap, fappity fap, fap…

EatsBabyDingos February 8, 2011 at 5:01 pm

With Rush watching her through a peep hole giving a reach around Rod to Glenny

DashboardBuddha February 8, 2011 at 7:50 pm

Who knew Ann's penis was so noisy?

XOhioan February 8, 2011 at 4:50 pm

My genitals just climbed up into my pelvic cavity. And I'm a woman.

Amo_of_Bogio February 8, 2011 at 5:54 pm

Typographical rimshot for you ma'am

Crank_Tango February 8, 2011 at 4:53 pm

might be all that sabre wielding?

el_donaldo February 8, 2011 at 4:54 pm

So if you have some made-up psychological maladies like sex addiction, Internet addiction, porn addiction and so on that only seem to exist to inspire self-loathing and sell magazines and talk TV, you can add them all together into one master malady that will inspire more self-loathing and sell even more magazines and TV ad time? Is this a great country or what.

baconzgood February 8, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Addiction addiction. (Ka-Ching!)

el_donaldo February 8, 2011 at 5:19 pm

To the bank!

baconzgood February 8, 2011 at 4:55 pm

It's only 3 men but there is enough ass hole in that photograph for 15.

Rotundo_ February 8, 2011 at 6:12 pm

Well said, Bravo! For The Win! Best quote of the day!

bagofmice February 8, 2011 at 8:36 pm

Are they hiding under the mustache ?

Ruhe February 8, 2011 at 4:57 pm

Bolton totally looks like the kind of creep who likes to say "well you weren't meant to enjoy it."

xsluggo February 8, 2011 at 4:57 pm

Is Boltman getting shorter or is it just the weight of the Hannity crown?

Gratuitous World February 8, 2011 at 4:57 pm

you must be here to fix the cable (news)

BaldarTFlagass February 9, 2011 at 6:57 am

They are expert.

mourningnmerica February 8, 2011 at 4:57 pm

I knew she was into a lot of media stuff, but I didn't know about porn. That billboard is HOT. I find that I am attracted to Big Oprah, but not Skinny Oprah. I hope they filmed the movie when she was fat. The thought of the thin, saggy skin Oprah naked depresses me. I hope to find the online version of the movie. If she's plump in the previews, I'll probably get it.

Eve8Apples February 8, 2011 at 4:58 pm

My underpants haz a sad.

EatsBabyDingos February 8, 2011 at 5:00 pm

If the wind blows it'll be three shits to the wind. And why is Tusky the Walrus not wearing his tusks?

__kth__ February 8, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Story only "man bites dog" if porn addict is hot. Contrary to upthread speculation, if Oprah herself is the porn addict–actually that's pretty much the textbook definition of "must-see TV", come to think of it–but decidedly unhot.

outragedcitizen February 9, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Oh, so true. The idiots, (addicts?) that watch Oprah's show are the type that would rather watch someone else's fucked up life, the live their own dreary, fucked up life.

Radiotherapy February 8, 2011 at 5:04 pm

NSFW, has a new dual meaning,

Not Safe For Wonkateers

BornInATrailer February 8, 2011 at 5:08 pm
Qatarded February 8, 2011 at 5:08 pm

"Ready Anytime The Moment Is Right".

lochnessmonster February 8, 2011 at 5:08 pm

Excuse me. I have to go wash my eyeballs after seeing that photo.

PsycWench February 8, 2011 at 5:16 pm

I will have to casually watch the men's track team work out now to make up for that picture.

proudgrampa February 8, 2011 at 5:17 pm

Dumb, dumber, dumberer.

JackObin February 8, 2011 at 5:18 pm

That photo should be sent to anyone thinking of emigrating to Doritoland. That will put an end to that silly notion.

DeeJayKitteh February 8, 2011 at 5:19 pm

I don't know why, but I have a sudden urge to photoshop their faces on the bodies in this picture: http://wonkette.com/410864/contractors-guarding-u

Joey_Ratz February 8, 2011 at 5:23 pm

Jesus H. fucking Christ. Marc Thiessen, John Bolton and Donald Rumsfeld in the same room, on Hannity no less. It's a douchebag singularity!

I can't even decide who's the biggest troglodyte. It must be an unfamiliar feeling for all of them, not being the outright biggest asshole in the room.

friendlyskies February 8, 2011 at 6:54 pm

Where are the terrorists when you need them? Oh, right, in Alabama, emptying their clips into innocent young browns. Nevermind.

GlowneyHouse February 9, 2011 at 5:40 am

Krauthammer would have been the topper, but I think he no longer registers on film.

Worthly Wokette Skum February 8, 2011 at 5:26 pm

Here's the dildo.

And here's the dildo.

And also over here's the dildo.

GodShammgod February 8, 2011 at 5:46 pm

I didn't know that genital warts could grow that much.

EdFlintstone February 8, 2011 at 5:51 pm

Im not into beastiality so I dont think I can fap to chicken hawks.

Gleem_McShineys February 8, 2011 at 5:55 pm

This should be one of those tricky 'intelligence quiz' things where we have to count the actual number of assholes in the picture.

"TEN! Don't forgot how much shit also comes out of those top holes!"

SaintRond February 8, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Unless these guys parents were cartoon pigs, all three of them appear to have a serious blood pressure problem.

MissTaken February 8, 2011 at 6:02 pm

And you get a limp dick! And you get a limp dick! And you get a limp dick!

Corrugated Palin February 8, 2011 at 6:16 pm

I just got a message from my dick. It says there's going to be six more weeks of winter.

hagajim February 8, 2011 at 6:21 pm

Thanks Ken. Now that I have smoking craters where my eyes used to be I will have to figure out how to check out #tittytuesday in braille or some such shit.

Rotundo_ February 8, 2011 at 6:23 pm

So what did they do to get this triumvirate of evil to crack grins? Roll some footage of brown children blown up? Rape torture films from the CIA vaults? Limbaughs' Dominican "adventure" videos? Must have been pretty nasty stuff. Bolton in particular just doesn't look right with a smile, I am truly surprised he can contort his usual sneer into one.

PsycWench February 8, 2011 at 7:34 pm

I'm pretty sure that Bolton isn't really smiling. His mustache has a mind of its own and is doing some exercises.

BaldarTFlagass February 9, 2011 at 6:59 am

They can do wonders with Photoshop these days.

neiltheblaze February 8, 2011 at 6:26 pm

That picture made my balls retreat into my abdomen. That means it's working, right?

simplyblue7 February 8, 2011 at 6:38 pm

seeing this may cause blindness…so you're damned if you do and damned if you don't!

Dr_pangloss February 8, 2011 at 6:55 pm

I'm wondering where Larry's other hand is?

TanzbodenKoenig February 8, 2011 at 7:18 pm

mission_accomplished.jpeg

Anthr_DCLwyr3d February 8, 2011 at 7:28 pm

Moustache rides — Ten Cents!

DashboardBuddha February 8, 2011 at 7:48 pm

Holy shit! That picture actually made my penis disconnect itself from my body and go running down the street.

anteater February 8, 2011 at 7:52 pm

It looks like they're in some Hannity theme room in Vegas, grinning like baboons because
they celebrated Reagan's 100th by pulling an all-night daisy chain with each other.
What happens in Vegas………

Nopantsmcgee February 8, 2011 at 7:52 pm

There is so much repulsive and disagreeable matter crammed into such a small space it's about to go supernova and create it's own galaxy of douche.

assistantatlas February 8, 2011 at 7:58 pm

Hey…. I remember that Oprah billboard. In fact, I recognize that roof–that's right above the Fox and the Hounds on Ventura near Vineland. Holy shit, are you guys stalking me? Is Oprah stalking me? What's going on? Who are you people? Get off my lawn!!!1!!!1!!

Troubledog February 8, 2011 at 9:34 pm

I told those fudge-packers I liked Michael Bolton's music.

CUNextTuesday February 9, 2011 at 12:21 am

Holy crap! My lady parts just shriveled up, turned to dust, and blew away. I hope you're happy, Ken.

buffalorude February 9, 2011 at 1:21 am

Who doesn't like a portrait of fascists?

Negropolis February 9, 2011 at 2:38 am

You get an orgasm, and you get an orgasm…EVERYBODY GETS AN ORGASM!

GOPCrusher February 9, 2011 at 10:14 am

The ones I feel sorry for are the simpletons that will watch that Oprah Show and actually believe that there is something like being addicted to porn or sex addiction. This has become the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since the Cabbage Patch Doll.
What's next, oxygen addiction?

andrewdrinker February 9, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Cured!!!! Praise Jeebus Ken!!!!

V572625694 February 8, 2011 at 5:21 pm

Different strokes…get it? Haw-haw!

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