Terrorist American Public Standing With Islamists Instead of #1 Capitalist

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

Going green.As many commentators, such as Sarah Palin, will tell you, the U.S. cannot allow Egypt to become a democracy because its people might want their laws to reflect their religion. That would be great, except their religion is not Christianity, it’s Islam. So they’re all terrorists. But now, according to a Gallup poll, the American public overwhelmingly supports the protestors on the streets of Egypt. (“Gypsies,” they’re called.) In related news, Hosni Mubarak is the world’s richest man. Obviously we should support him because he won capitalism, but for some reason our citizens love these terrorists. Never forget?

Most Americans support the protesters who have called for a change in the government in Egypt, with 82% saying they are sympathetic to the protesters (including 42% who are very sympathetic), while 11% are unsympathetic.


Two-thirds of Americans (66%) say the political changes occurring in Egypt will be mostly good for that country, and a similar percentage (60%) say the changes will be mostly good for the United States.

Yeah, well, talk to them again at Halloween after they’ve encountered all the illegal immigrant mummies flooding into America when Egypt falls. Those things are going to join up with Mexicans in their nefarious health-care gangs. [Gallup]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Nooooo! Egypt is too close to 9/11!!!!!

  • XOhioan

    I for one love Egypt, and always try to buy some of their jewelry or stationery when I'm at the Met gift shop.

    • Terry

      The movie The Ten Commandments is required viewing at least once a year, too.

  • Blendergoathead

    Snowbilly and her ilk won't be happy unless the protesters take over the US Embassy – then the US can trade arms for the hostages, just like Reagan… who is still dead last time anyone checked.

    • Lost_Teabaggers

      Nahh Snowbilly is mostly just crazy because….well, there it is, point made.

  • Gratuitous World

    their first order of business should be the forced secession of whatever is Egypt's South Carolina. It will save a lot of energy. Minya, I'm looking in your general direction.

  • PublicLuxury

    Empty a clip on them. Scott Beason (R-AL) would approve. It's the 'Merican way.

  • Worthly Wokette Skum

    Wait'll everybody hears that "freedom" includes some Islamic bits.

  • mereoblivion

    I'm bewildered again. Are we cheering for the Copts or the Robbers?

    • gef05

      Oh, God. +++Would fist again.

    • mourningnmerica


    • user-of-owls

      What the fuck are you, the Natural? Come in here with Wonder Boy and knock the skins off the ball? Well I'll be damned, welcome to the clubhouse.

    • GOPCrusher

      I'm 17 hours late, but I still LOL'd.
      That needs to go on a bumper sticker.

  • SorosBot

    If Palin and Beck find out how few people believe in their insane rantings, will they cry? I hope so.

    • Barbara_i

      Speaking of crying, I just read that Bristol said that she will probably run for political office one day. (seriously) I see that being delusional is genetic in that family.

      • SorosBot

        Maybe she wants to help Ben Quayle no longer be the dumbest Congressman from Arizona.

      • Terry

        Perhaps she'll follow the Christine O'Donnell model rather than her mothers. Naw, who am I kidding.

        • bagofmice

          Getting money for quitting (government abstinence , what have you) seems to be a family trait

    • DustBowlBlues

      Shhhh . . . .we need this dumb bitch to do some things that aren't totally batshit because, as is, she isn't even electable in the Republithug presidential primary. And as things are shaping up, she would be a fine cnadidate to run against Hopey.

      • Lost_Teabaggers

        Yes….well your wish will not be granted on that one…Sarah is clearly stickin' with the crazy and the lazy because well…she's just being herself I suppose.

  • Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

    Hey, once you've seen bread-helmet guy it's impossible not to support the protesters.

    • assistantatlas

      OMG, that picture is so full of win. +p for you! Also, I love applesauce. That is all.

    • Lost_Teabaggers

      Bread helmet guy for President of Earth!

    • chickensmack

      I just showed it to someone. When they said, "I don't get it," I explained that he's a protester in a city of millions, and his minimalist armor is a causal response to the impetus of protest; that he has so little, yet feels influential enough to gird himself with anything he can find, just to maintain his part in the events.

      To whom I was speaking then replied: "Oh. I thought it was just stupid."

      * sigh *

  • mumbly_joe

    Also, it's important to remember that according to Prosperity Jebus, the fact that Mabarek has lots and lots of money, which he stole from his people and now they can't afford to eat meals, is proof that Propserity Jebus loves him the most. After all, if Prosperity Jebus didn't love him, why'd He let him steal all that money from his people?

    • emmelemm

      Exactly. Those BILLIONS and BILLIONS of dollars are his just, Godly reward for all his hard work.

      Camel through the eye of a needle says WUT?

  • proudgrampa

    "Gypsies" – LMAO.

  • Jukesgrrl

    When has the American public done anything that made logical sense since Vietnam? It's like we took a trip and never came back.

    • BeWoot

      What long, strange trip it's been

  • JackObin

    What do Egyptians know? After all, they don't have a very long history. Besides, it was Jesus who supervised the construction of the pyramids, utilizing dinosaur labor.

    • bflrtsplk

      Fred Flinstone built the pyramids? Willlllmmmmmaaaaa!

  • PsycWench

    Shorter Sarah "It's good if it's the way I would do it, or it profits me in some way". The fact that she has bizarre ideas about why she might do something is beside the point.

  • Redhead

    You're giving the American public too much credit. They probably heard "Do you support more pork tidbits in Arby's," not, "Do you support the protesters in Egypt."

  • bokononista

    I figure the Nuwaubians of Eatonton, Georgia are eyeing the property over there which already has pyramids in place. Obviously this will be a part of America now right?

  • BornInATrailer

    I think Obama should waffle again, go back to supporting Mubarak, and we can see how many conservative pundits get whiplash. Keep doing this until one side snaps. Sorry, I mean until the public loses interest.

    It's like a terrible game of red light/green light with the traditional bonus round involving brown people dying.

    • nounverb911

      Does Obama use maple syrup on his waffles?

  • ifthethunderdontgetya

    But now, according to a Gallup poll, the American public overwhelmingly supports the protestors on the streets of Egypt. (“Gypsies,” they’re called.) In related news, Hosni Mubarak is the world’s richest man.

    I haz a modest proposal!

    Instead of cutting Social Security to pay off the national debt we got from tax cuts for billionaires, wars for billionaires, and deregulation for billionaires, we take everything David H. Koch and Charles Koch own via their stealing, inheriting, and such as, and use that instead?

    We could supplement the proceeds with a National Guillotine Superbowl, and if this isn't enough, we could throw in a couple of Murdochs, a Donald Graham or so, and even a pinch of Sulzbergers.

    • jus_wonderin

      "National Guillotine Superbowl"

      I get the feeling the blade always wins.

      • genxr

        What's important is, does it beat the spread?

        • bflrtsplk

          What would be the over/under?

    • DustBowlBlues

      That's a revolution I can get behind. As long as it doesn't involved guns. I'm a liberal and guns scare me so much that I've never held one in my hand. So my Second Amendment remedies would consist of pointing my index finger, my thumb up, and yelling "bang, bang," and depending on the honor of the wingers to fall over and pretend I shot them.

      The revolution of my dreams.

      • bagofmice

        and there you go. Finger banging some kochs for the revolution

    • Lost_Teabaggers

      Nice modest proposal…for a moment I was worried you were going to say something about a Palin sex tape with the proceeds from selling it to wingnuts used to pay off the debt….no, yours is much more doable!

  • Tengu

    I'm still betting this will all suddenly become one of those fun flash mobs videos.

    • jus_wonderin

      "It's a hard knock life….."

  • el_donaldo

    I assume that Palin is simply reading the scene as more proof liberals are a stalking horse for creeping sharia.

    • Steverino247

      I have some Creeping Sharia growing along my fence in the back yard. Lovely flowers in season!

    • Lost_Teabaggers

      Yes because we have a lot in common with crazy right wing muslim fundamentalists. Why just the other day I was opining that if my neighbor doesn't put a burqa on I was going to stone her ass for showing her elbows in public….oh and liberals are always calling for more religiosity, less social freedom and we're just setting up Rachel Maddow for the ultimate doublecross when we kill all the gays! Stupid, frozen Alaskkkunt

    • Lost_Teabaggers

      You know what's so retarded about it is their entire Liberals+Muslins equation is built from the same bigoted equations of yesteryear: liberals must all be gay cuz they ain't sayin "Kill thems faggits!" and the immortal "N$#@%r Lover!" that was shouted at anyone who was in favor of civil rights. It's just another tool of dumb Southern honkeys to explain why other people don't agree with automatic oppression of groups they don't like.

  • ManchuCandidate

    What are US America's arms dealers going to do when Egyptia stops using the "aid" the US America sends for other things besides US America Weaponry because it needs to use the money elsewhere?

    Why won't someone think of the price Boeing, Lockheed-Martin, Northrop-Grumman, Colt, United and other companies are going to pay for Freedums Egyptia style?

    • Preferred Customer

      The Egyptian army isn't going anywhere. Something tells me that weapons procurement and military spending in Egypt is going to remain a pretty stable industry. Now, you may be right that the money will be used elsewhere, as in it will be used to buy guns from Russian, North Korean, Iranian and Chinese war profiteers. But, that just means that we'll be able to sell more guns to other people in the region who are worried about the new guns in Egypt. People like Israel and Saudi.

    • DustBowlBlues

      Guns don't seem to be doing much for our economy, so I have an idea. We don't buy guns for any country. The money saved might put us well on the way to having access to affordable health care–for Americans. And I'm talking about Israel, too. They may be a democracy but has anyone noticed how they tilt heavily toward theocracy? Just ask an Israeli woman trying to divorce an abusive husband.

      My work here is done. I've pissed off every side.

      • mereoblivion

        Nope, you still ain't pissed me off. Keep tryin', though.

    • DoktorZoom

      I predict that, somehow, Freedom's Arsenal, Inc. will manage to survive.

  • DemonicRage

    Imagine if Lafayette and Kuskiusku (spelling impossible) had taken the Obama tack, back when the Colonies were fighting for their freedom. We'd still be talking with Oxford/ Cambridge/ Yorkshire or cockney accents!

    • DustBowlBlues

      Yeah, but we might have universal health care, 'ey mate?

      • Chet Kincaid

        Nice riposte!

        • DoktorZoom

          riposte? that's a furrin' word.

    • comrad_darkness

      Actually, um, no.

      You might find "the great vowel shift" to be interesting reading.

      • Chet Kincaid

        That's nothing compared to "The Great Shawty Shift" which occurred in the late 1990s, when a "shawty" stopped being a 12 year old corner lookout for your drug transactions and became a hot girl at da club.

  • Crank_Tango

    Restoration of King Tut or gtfo!

    • genxr

      We don't leave Wonkette until King Tut agrees to step down.

      • valgal2342

        Cleopatra knew how to handle powerful men.
        I knew Cleopatra, and you Sarah, are no Cleopatra.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Richer than Carlos Slim? Bill Gates? That Global Post article On Mubbie's fortune is a real holy-shit item. I just assumed he was about average for a mid-size-country despot.

    • HistoriCat

      It's good to be the king president for 30 years during a "national emergency".

  • elviouslyqueer

    But now, according to a Gallup poll, the American public overwhelmingly supports the protestors on the streets of Egypt.

    Well, .0043663801 of Americans can't be wrong, amirite?

  • qwerty42

    I thought Sarah wanted us to support our allies in North Korea.

    • WriteyWriterton

      You got that wrong; she blames the press for mis-quoting her reference to our ongoing support for West Korea.

  • ifthethunderdontgetya

    Downfisty trool is downfisty.

    It isn't our fault you were born a conservatard, downfisty trool. Perhaps you could work your issues out with your mom, or some such as. Also.

    • mavenmaven

      I saw that happen before my eyes, someone dropped everyone's p-points all at once!! What were they upset about on this thread?

      • ifthethunderdontgetya

        Social justice, funny people, and muslamofascism.

      • bokononista

        Fisting that fast just hurts!

    • emmelemm

      I'm upfisting everybody as fast as I can! Doin' my part!

    • fuflans

      i've said something like this before but still: how much of a lame ass do you have to be to spend your time on a website with which you (apparently) disagree consorting with a bunch of people you don't like, reducing their arbitrary and meaningless 'p' score one stranger at a time – all the while saying nothing?

      for some reason it makes me think of those computer punch cards from the 70's.

      • genxr

        It seems you'd at least want to tell us what a bunch of retards we are. Sheesh.

      • DoktorZoom

        Those are the Downfists of Justice, partner. Eventually, we crybaby libtards will be so discouraged by our lack of pee that we will just quietly pack our tents and go. This is a siege, and the Forces of Truth and Patriotism are in it to win it. They've got us on the run, and….look! Puppies!

      • glamourdammerung

        The one clown that got banned was whining on Big Foolishness and is putting the other clown(s) up to it.

        Which actually manages to make it even more pathetic.

      • bflrtsplk

        He's a two-fisted downfister.

    • mrblifil

      I know! My p-ness has been stuck on 94 for as long as I can remember. Take it from me, you never want your p-ness to be stuck for that long.

      • mumbly_joe

        The commercials on the teevee say that you should see your doctor if that happens.

  • EdFlintstone

    I don't think you can trust that poll until Fox News surveys all 115% of Americans.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      And which Egypt are we asking them about, the one that took over Iraq, or the one that took over New York?

  • LionelHutzEsq

    This poll is meaningless, Find out what Americans think when they find out that Liz Taylor is no longer queen of Egypt.

  • Chet Kincaid

    Fuck, Mubarak has 70 billion dollars?! The rich bastard could buy a piece of desert somewhere else and re-create Egypt!

    And this "Carlos Slim" in Mexico–is he the guy in the Dos Equis commercials? Or is he the cartoony mascot for some brand of blunt-ready cigarillos?

    • friendlyskies

      Carlos Slim is half terrorist, half Messican, and can send half the planet "Happy New Year" texts at will. Glenn Beck doesn't have a chalkboard big enough.

      • Chet Kincaid

        I would like to see Carlos Slim guest-host "Sabado Gigante", just cold buying the skimpy costumes off the chickas with thousand-dollar bills.

    • mourningnmerica

      No, but I'm sure you are familiar with his son, Fatboy.

    • xsluggo

      “The rich bastard could buy a piece of desert somewhere else and re-create Egypt!”

      It’s been done. In Vegas it’s called the Luxor.

  • SaintRond

    That cunt.

  • hagajim

    Why do they even ask Americans anything…we're mostly too stupid to even know what day it is, much less whether a democracy run by an Islamist citizenry would be good or bad for us….good God!

  • mrblifil

    11% unsympathetic? Wow, Glenn Beck's ratings really are in a tailspin.

  • friendlyskies

    So if we gave Egypt $86b in aid over the years, and Mubarak only has US$70b, what happened to the other $16 billion dollars? Hookers and blow?

    • Come here a minute

      It all went to the benefit of the children of Egypt. The Mubarak children.

    • mourningnmerica

      Pyramid maintenance. You think them stones stay in place by themselves?

      • mereoblivion

        To say nothing of the mummies inside. (Izzat why you're in mourning?)

  • fuflans

    egyptian rent is too damn high.

  • mrblifil

    Whatever will give the Egyptian porn industry a kick in the ass, I'm for.

  • DustBowlBlues

    I volunteer my former state representative, now my District Attorney, to be flown directly to Egypt so he can share his Sharia Law ban wisdom with them. Actually, I would be in favor of getting Rex Duncan anywhere as long as it isn't Oklahoma. There must be a county in Texas short of a wingnut or two.

    • HistoriCat

      No thanks – we're full up. Try Arizona where there's always room for more wingnuttiness.

  • Extemporanus™

    Lex Luthor left Luxor lest loofa-less looters let loser-lead luck soar.

    (I have no fucking idea what that means — I just wanted to see if I could do it.)

    • DoktorZoom

      Luke Luck likes lakes. Luke's duck likes lakes.
      Luke Luck licks lakes. Luck's duck licks lakes.
      Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.
      Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.

      • Extemporanus™

        Toy boat, toy boat, toy boat.

        Also, too, unique New York.

    • mrblifil

      Yawn. Work in Mr. Mxytztplk and I'll deign to raise my right eyebrow a micron or two…

      • Extemporanus™

        Mr. Mxytztplk's sixth sister missed the picked sick blister's mix of piss-slick grist for McRib shits.

        • Chet Kincaid

          Extemporanus™ had a little logorrhea accident–clean-up in Thread 6!

        • mourningnmerica

          Yer killin' me.

        • mrblifil

          That deserves a very special thumbs up!

    • LionelHutzEsq

      My lust went listless at Luxor, lost, lacking love, lonely licking a leftover lolipop.

      • Chet Kincaid

        Add some Disco ride-cymbal and an octave-jumping walking bass line, and Manilow could have had a hit with those lyrics!

  • DrunkIrishman

    Egyptians are just pissed at the seemingly never-ending Mummy franchise. Brendan Fraser is their Hitler.

  • DoktorZoom

    Mind you, American opinions on foreign policy are not always informed by any…uh…information. Like the periodic polling question that reveals that a majority of Americans support our current policy toward the nation of Freedonia.

  • Chet Kincaid

    Wait 'til phone-polled Americans find out that the Egyptian Revolution could bring to power terrist organizations such as Baklava and Hummus.

  • cheaphits

    $70 Billion is a lot of money – there are about 80 million Egyptians – that means ol' Hoser got $875 per person in Egypt. There are many, many Egyptians that could use $875…just sayin'.

    • mereoblivion

      So he's a pimp AND a hoser?

  • neiltheblaze

    Mubarek probably has 70 billion Egyptian pounds, which would be more like a mere $12 billion. Chump change.

  • chickensmack

    September 12th and Nurse Nayirah are really great reasons to do what the public says.

    • mereoblivion

      Whoa, thanks for the reminder.

  • Oldskool_

    You Egyptian guys have been great, reminding us of our former selves a lil bit, but all the news anchors have come back already which is a bad omen so you need to come up with an encore or sumthin asap.

  • weejee

    serious alt text win

  • Chet Kincaid

    $70 billion? As Richard Pryor's Wino warned Jesus, "boy, don't you go fuckin' round wit them Jews without no money!"

    Too soon?

    • LionelHutzEsq

      For Richard or the Jews?

      • mereoblivion

        For the King of the Jews.

  • genxr

    The American people are just a front for the Muslim Brotherhood.

  • Steverino247

    Seize M's holdings and funds. Tell the press that same will be released to whatever popularly elected goverment that arises so long as they do exactly what Israel wants. Keep the interest and fund free health care for kids for ten years.


  • WhatTheHeck

    When Democracy comes to Egypt, it will be draped in the American flag and carrying a Christian Bible.

    Who Knew?

    • chickensmack

      Just like we got it here. Minus the flag… that came along later.

      also, for the record, I'm fisting you up, and that makes me sad… that you're right.

    • Negropolis


      This isn't some tiny country we'll just be able to bully around, nor is it a historical American colonial outpost. Maybe I'm being naive, but I don't see Egypt playing our game, especially after they just got through ridding themselves of the guy that's played our little game of "America's Favorite Dictators" for decades.

  • iburl

    Too bad the 11% unsympathetic includes everyone in Official DC.

  • BarackMyWorld

    I'm having flashbacks from all those arguments I had in 2004 and 2005, when wingnuts tried to tell me Iraq was really about bringing democracy to the Middle East, not WMDs.

    "What if Iraq elects an extremist government?" I'd ask. "Would you be okay with a democratic Iraq then?" But of course!

    So what I'm taking away from this is democracy is only better than dictatorship when Americans have to die to impose it on another country, and bad when its a result of a people's self-determination (see also: Ngo Dinh Diem).

    • MistaEko

      In the even headier days of 2003, the neo-con rags gloriously spoke of a cascade effect, when our bombing of Iraq would make every other country in the region know that they too would need to become some stripe of pro-west kinda-democracy, be it out of Iraq-envy or fear of gettin' esploded or actual esploded cuz hey we were in the neighborhood.

      And now of course the Tunisia-Egypt-Jordan connections are clear signs of a zombie epidemic taking root.

    • not that Dewey

      Shortly after that, the wingnuts were famously receptive to the democratically-elected Hamas government in Lebanon. Democracy: IOKIYNAM

    • chickensmack
  • VinnyThePooh

    According to Sarah, they'll never be a true democracy (stop snickering) until they embrace the only rightful book – Going Rogue.

  • weejee

    OT, mañana Barry will be doing lunch with those Messican-loving douches the Rupubican leadership. Will this be a sprightly bipartisan gathering, a bit more farcical like Arsenic and Old Lace, or something from the pen of Kafka?

  • Plowmon

    And this is why we can't have nice things…

  • comrad_darkness

    Hosni Mubarak must be the Goldman Sachs of Egypt.

  • NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    remember the Roma

    never forget the Gypsy Holocaust
    never again

    • Negropolis

      Please take your seriousness to a more appropriate forum.

  • Blendergoathead

    Also OT (also) – did or did it not happen that some fresh GOP teabaggers sided with *Dennis Kucinich* today and denied the GOP leadership an extension of certain Patriot Act stuff (after they brought it to the floor with that fun "2/3 majority, no amendments" trick)? Ha! Suck it, Boehner!

    • Negropolis

      This is probably the biggest domestic news in months…maybe even years, and nothing but a peep from the media. Probably, because they'll eventually pass it, but man if I wouldn't love to see teabaggers keep this up, because this is actually a good thing.

  • iburl

    Is there a possibility of using a mummy's curse to bring the police state down? Like, send Hosni a box and when he opens it, whoops! You've got a 5000 year old curse!
    Could we use a Stargate of some sort?

  • BZ1

    Now what is she going on about? Isn't Egypt's uprising all about her?!

  • donner_froh

    80% of Americans can't find Egypt on a map (100% for Fox News viewers).

    Once the 80% is shown the location of Egypt–upper right hand corner of Africa, then 80% of them will go nuts because all those people are actually undeserving minority coloreds and potential illegal aliens who Obama wants to bring to the U.S. to have babies and go on welfare.

  • sqeptiq

    Clearly, it's time for neocons to vote out the American people and elect a new one.

  • chicken_thief

    Christ on a crutch, folks! What's the damn hurry?! That "trickle down economics" will probably start kicking in any. day. now……

  • Negropolis

    Two-thirds of Americans (66%) say the political changes occurring in Egypt will be mostly good for that country, and a similar percentage (60%) say the changes will be mostly good for the United States.

    Sorry to be a commie-pinko-liberal, but who the fuck cares if this will be "mostly good" for the United States? What does that even matter? Why does everything have to be about us, always? It just pisses me off to no end.

    • emmelemm

      Just wanted to pipe in and say "agree wholeheartedly".

      Other people in other countries get to do things possibly differently than we would do them. Amazing but true.

  • CookiE_MonstA

    Allahu Akbar

  • MinAgain

    Democracy is hard.

  • xsluggo

    That image brings to mind something Jimi would have said: “Move over Rover, let the Caliphate take over.” And back to you, Glenn.