Terrorist American Public Standing With Islamists Instead of #1 Capitalist

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Going green.As many commentators, such as Sarah Palin, will tell you, the U.S. cannot allow Egypt to become a democracy because its people might want their laws to reflect their religion. That would be great, except their religion is not Christianity, it’s Islam. So they’re all terrorists. But now, according to a Gallup poll, the American public overwhelmingly supports the protestors on the streets of Egypt. (“Gypsies,” they’re called.) In related news, Hosni Mubarak is the world’s richest man. Obviously we should support him because he won capitalism, but for some reason our citizens love these terrorists. Never forget?

Most Americans support the protesters who have called for a change in the government in Egypt, with 82% saying they are sympathetic to the protesters (including 42% who are very sympathetic), while 11% are unsympathetic.

Sympathetic to GETTING BLOWN UP BY DEMOCRACY?

Two-thirds of Americans (66%) say the political changes occurring in Egypt will be mostly good for that country, and a similar percentage (60%) say the changes will be mostly good for the United States.

Yeah, well, talk to them again at Halloween after they’ve encountered all the illegal immigrant mummies flooding into America when Egypt falls. Those things are going to join up with Mexicans in their nefarious health-care gangs. [Gallup]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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150 comments

  1. XOhioan

    I for one love Egypt, and always try to buy some of their jewelry or stationery when I'm at the Met gift shop.

  2. Blendergoathead

    Snowbilly and her ilk won't be happy unless the protesters take over the US Embassy – then the US can trade arms for the hostages, just like Reagan… who is still dead last time anyone checked.

  3. Gratuitous World

    their first order of business should be the forced secession of whatever is Egypt's South Carolina. It will save a lot of energy. Minya, I'm looking in your general direction.

    1. user-of-owls

      What the fuck are you, the Natural? Come in here with Wonder Boy and knock the skins off the ball? Well I'll be damned, welcome to the clubhouse.

  4. SorosBot

    If Palin and Beck find out how few people believe in their insane rantings, will they cry? I hope so.

    1. Barbara_i

      Speaking of crying, I just read that Bristol said that she will probably run for political office one day. (seriously) I see that being delusional is genetic in that family.

    2. DustBowlBlues

      Shhhh . . . .we need this dumb bitch to do some things that aren't totally batshit because, as is, she isn't even electable in the Republithug presidential primary. And as things are shaping up, she would be a fine cnadidate to run against Hopey.

      1. Lost_Teabaggers

        Yes….well your wish will not be granted on that one…Sarah is clearly stickin' with the crazy and the lazy because well…she's just being herself I suppose.

    1. chickensmack

      I just showed it to someone. When they said, "I don't get it," I explained that he's a protester in a city of millions, and his minimalist armor is a causal response to the impetus of protest; that he has so little, yet feels influential enough to gird himself with anything he can find, just to maintain his part in the events.

      To whom I was speaking then replied: "Oh. I thought it was just stupid."

      * sigh *

  5. mumbly_joe

    Also, it's important to remember that according to Prosperity Jebus, the fact that Mabarek has lots and lots of money, which he stole from his people and now they can't afford to eat meals, is proof that Propserity Jebus loves him the most. After all, if Prosperity Jebus didn't love him, why'd He let him steal all that money from his people?

    1. emmelemm

      Exactly. Those BILLIONS and BILLIONS of dollars are his just, Godly reward for all his hard work.

      Camel through the eye of a needle says WUT?

  6. Jukesgrrl

    When has the American public done anything that made logical sense since Vietnam? It's like we took a trip and never came back.

  7. JackObin

    What do Egyptians know? After all, they don't have a very long history. Besides, it was Jesus who supervised the construction of the pyramids, utilizing dinosaur labor.

  8. PsycWench

    Shorter Sarah "It's good if it's the way I would do it, or it profits me in some way". The fact that she has bizarre ideas about why she might do something is beside the point.

  9. Redhead

    You're giving the American public too much credit. They probably heard "Do you support more pork tidbits in Arby's," not, "Do you support the protesters in Egypt."

  10. bokononista

    I figure the Nuwaubians of Eatonton, Georgia are eyeing the property over there which already has pyramids in place. Obviously this will be a part of America now right?

  11. BornInATrailer

    I think Obama should waffle again, go back to supporting Mubarak, and we can see how many conservative pundits get whiplash. Keep doing this until one side snaps. Sorry, I mean until the public loses interest.

    It's like a terrible game of red light/green light with the traditional bonus round involving brown people dying.

  12. ifthethunderdontgetya

    But now, according to a Gallup poll, the American public overwhelmingly supports the protestors on the streets of Egypt. (“Gypsies,” they’re called.) In related news, Hosni Mubarak is the world’s richest man.

    I haz a modest proposal!

    Instead of cutting Social Security to pay off the national debt we got from tax cuts for billionaires, wars for billionaires, and deregulation for billionaires, we take everything David H. Koch and Charles Koch own via their stealing, inheriting, and such as, and use that instead?

    We could supplement the proceeds with a National Guillotine Superbowl, and if this isn't enough, we could throw in a couple of Murdochs, a Donald Graham or so, and even a pinch of Sulzbergers.
    ~

    1. DustBowlBlues

      That's a revolution I can get behind. As long as it doesn't involved guns. I'm a liberal and guns scare me so much that I've never held one in my hand. So my Second Amendment remedies would consist of pointing my index finger, my thumb up, and yelling "bang, bang," and depending on the honor of the wingers to fall over and pretend I shot them.

      The revolution of my dreams.

    2. Lost_Teabaggers

      Nice modest proposal…for a moment I was worried you were going to say something about a Palin sex tape with the proceeds from selling it to wingnuts used to pay off the debt….no, yours is much more doable!

  13. el_donaldo

    I assume that Palin is simply reading the scene as more proof liberals are a stalking horse for creeping sharia.

    1. Steverino247

      I have some Creeping Sharia growing along my fence in the back yard. Lovely flowers in season!

    2. Lost_Teabaggers

      Yes because we have a lot in common with crazy right wing muslim fundamentalists. Why just the other day I was opining that if my neighbor doesn't put a burqa on I was going to stone her ass for showing her elbows in public….oh and liberals are always calling for more religiosity, less social freedom and we're just setting up Rachel Maddow for the ultimate doublecross when we kill all the gays! Stupid, frozen Alaskkkunt

    3. Lost_Teabaggers

      You know what's so retarded about it is their entire Liberals+Muslins equation is built from the same bigoted equations of yesteryear: liberals must all be gay cuz they ain't sayin "Kill thems faggits!" and the immortal "N$#@%r Lover!" that was shouted at anyone who was in favor of civil rights. It's just another tool of dumb Southern honkeys to explain why other people don't agree with automatic oppression of groups they don't like.

  14. ManchuCandidate

    What are US America's arms dealers going to do when Egyptia stops using the "aid" the US America sends for other things besides US America Weaponry because it needs to use the money elsewhere?

    Why won't someone think of the price Boeing, Lockheed-Martin, Northrop-Grumman, Colt, United and other companies are going to pay for Freedums Egyptia style?

    1. Preferred Customer

      The Egyptian army isn't going anywhere. Something tells me that weapons procurement and military spending in Egypt is going to remain a pretty stable industry. Now, you may be right that the money will be used elsewhere, as in it will be used to buy guns from Russian, North Korean, Iranian and Chinese war profiteers. But, that just means that we'll be able to sell more guns to other people in the region who are worried about the new guns in Egypt. People like Israel and Saudi.

    2. DustBowlBlues

      Guns don't seem to be doing much for our economy, so I have an idea. We don't buy guns for any country. The money saved might put us well on the way to having access to affordable health care–for Americans. And I'm talking about Israel, too. They may be a democracy but has anyone noticed how they tilt heavily toward theocracy? Just ask an Israeli woman trying to divorce an abusive husband.

      My work here is done. I've pissed off every side.

  15. DemonicRage

    Imagine if Lafayette and Kuskiusku (spelling impossible) had taken the Obama tack, back when the Colonies were fighting for their freedom. We'd still be talking with Oxford/ Cambridge/ Yorkshire or cockney accents!

      1. Chet Kincaid

        That's nothing compared to "The Great Shawty Shift" which occurred in the late 1990s, when a "shawty" stopped being a 12 year old corner lookout for your drug transactions and became a hot girl at da club.

  16. Lascauxcaveman

    Richer than Carlos Slim? Bill Gates? That Global Post article On Mubbie's fortune is a real holy-shit item. I just assumed he was about average for a mid-size-country despot.

  17. elviouslyqueer

    But now, according to a Gallup poll, the American public overwhelmingly supports the protestors on the streets of Egypt.

    Well, .0043663801 of Americans can't be wrong, amirite?

    1. WriteyWriterton

      You got that wrong; she blames the press for mis-quoting her reference to our ongoing support for West Korea.

    1. mavenmaven

      I saw that happen before my eyes, someone dropped everyone's p-points all at once!! What were they upset about on this thread?

    2. fuflans

      i've said something like this before but still: how much of a lame ass do you have to be to spend your time on a website with which you (apparently) disagree consorting with a bunch of people you don't like, reducing their arbitrary and meaningless 'p' score one stranger at a time – all the while saying nothing?

      for some reason it makes me think of those computer punch cards from the 70's.

      1. DoktorZoom

        Those are the Downfists of Justice, partner. Eventually, we crybaby libtards will be so discouraged by our lack of pee that we will just quietly pack our tents and go. This is a siege, and the Forces of Truth and Patriotism are in it to win it. They've got us on the run, and….look! Puppies!

      2. glamourdammerung

        The one clown that got banned was whining on Big Foolishness and is putting the other clown(s) up to it.

        Which actually manages to make it even more pathetic.

    3. mrblifil

      I know! My p-ness has been stuck on 94 for as long as I can remember. Take it from me, you never want your p-ness to be stuck for that long.

    1. LionelHutzEsq

      And which Egypt are we asking them about, the one that took over Iraq, or the one that took over New York?

  18. LionelHutzEsq

    This poll is meaningless, Find out what Americans think when they find out that Liz Taylor is no longer queen of Egypt.

  19. Chet Kincaid

    Fuck, Mubarak has 70 billion dollars?! The rich bastard could buy a piece of desert somewhere else and re-create Egypt!

    And this "Carlos Slim" in Mexico–is he the guy in the Dos Equis commercials? Or is he the cartoony mascot for some brand of blunt-ready cigarillos?

    1. friendlyskies

      Carlos Slim is half terrorist, half Messican, and can send half the planet "Happy New Year" texts at will. Glenn Beck doesn't have a chalkboard big enough.

    2. xsluggo

      “The rich bastard could buy a piece of desert somewhere else and re-create Egypt!”

      It’s been done. In Vegas it’s called the Luxor.

  20. hagajim

    Why do they even ask Americans anything…we're mostly too stupid to even know what day it is, much less whether a democracy run by an Islamist citizenry would be good or bad for us….good God!

  21. friendlyskies

    So if we gave Egypt $86b in aid over the years, and Mubarak only has US$70b, what happened to the other $16 billion dollars? Hookers and blow?

  22. DustBowlBlues

    I volunteer my former state representative, now my District Attorney, to be flown directly to Egypt so he can share his Sharia Law ban wisdom with them. Actually, I would be in favor of getting Rex Duncan anywhere as long as it isn't Oklahoma. There must be a county in Texas short of a wingnut or two.

  23. Extemporanus™

    Lex Luthor left Luxor lest loofa-less looters let loser-lead luck soar.

    (I have no fucking idea what that means — I just wanted to see if I could do it.)

    1. DoktorZoom

      Luke Luck likes lakes. Luke's duck likes lakes.
      Luke Luck licks lakes. Luck's duck licks lakes.
      Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.
      Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.

      1. Extemporanus™

        Mr. Mxytztplk's sixth sister missed the picked sick blister's mix of piss-slick grist for McRib shits.

  24. DrunkIrishman

    Egyptians are just pissed at the seemingly never-ending Mummy franchise. Brendan Fraser is their Hitler.

  25. DoktorZoom

    Mind you, American opinions on foreign policy are not always informed by any…uh…information. Like the periodic polling question that reveals that a majority of Americans support our current policy toward the nation of Freedonia.

  26. cheaphits

    $70 Billion is a lot of money – there are about 80 million Egyptians – that means ol' Hoser got $875 per person in Egypt. There are many, many Egyptians that could use $875…just sayin'.

  27. neiltheblaze

    Mubarek probably has 70 billion Egyptian pounds, which would be more like a mere $12 billion. Chump change.

  28. Oldskool_

    You Egyptian guys have been great, reminding us of our former selves a lil bit, but all the news anchors have come back already which is a bad omen so you need to come up with an encore or sumthin asap.

  29. Steverino247

    Seize M's holdings and funds. Tell the press that same will be released to whatever popularly elected goverment that arises so long as they do exactly what Israel wants. Keep the interest and fund free health care for kids for ten years.

    Win!

  30. WhatTheHeck

    When Democracy comes to Egypt, it will be draped in the American flag and carrying a Christian Bible.

    Who Knew?

    1. chickensmack

      Just like we got it here. Minus the flag… that came along later.

      also, for the record, I'm fisting you up, and that makes me sad… that you're right.

    2. Negropolis

      Really?

      This isn't some tiny country we'll just be able to bully around, nor is it a historical American colonial outpost. Maybe I'm being naive, but I don't see Egypt playing our game, especially after they just got through ridding themselves of the guy that's played our little game of "America's Favorite Dictators" for decades.

  31. BarackMyWorld

    I'm having flashbacks from all those arguments I had in 2004 and 2005, when wingnuts tried to tell me Iraq was really about bringing democracy to the Middle East, not WMDs.

    "What if Iraq elects an extremist government?" I'd ask. "Would you be okay with a democratic Iraq then?" But of course!

    So what I'm taking away from this is democracy is only better than dictatorship when Americans have to die to impose it on another country, and bad when its a result of a people's self-determination (see also: Ngo Dinh Diem).

    1. MistaEko

      In the even headier days of 2003, the neo-con rags gloriously spoke of a cascade effect, when our bombing of Iraq would make every other country in the region know that they too would need to become some stripe of pro-west kinda-democracy, be it out of Iraq-envy or fear of gettin' esploded or actual esploded cuz hey we were in the neighborhood.

      And now of course the Tunisia-Egypt-Jordan connections are clear signs of a zombie epidemic taking root.

    2. not that Dewey

      Shortly after that, the wingnuts were famously receptive to the democratically-elected Hamas government in Lebanon. Democracy: IOKIYNAM

  32. VinnyThePooh

    According to Sarah, they'll never be a true democracy (stop snickering) until they embrace the only rightful book – Going Rogue.

  33. weejee

    OT, mañana Barry will be doing lunch with those Messican-loving douches the Rupubican leadership. Will this be a sprightly bipartisan gathering, a bit more farcical like Arsenic and Old Lace, or something from the pen of Kafka?

  34. Blendergoathead

    Also OT (also) – did or did it not happen that some fresh GOP teabaggers sided with *Dennis Kucinich* today and denied the GOP leadership an extension of certain Patriot Act stuff (after they brought it to the floor with that fun "2/3 majority, no amendments" trick)? Ha! Suck it, Boehner!

    1. Negropolis

      This is probably the biggest domestic news in months…maybe even years, and nothing but a peep from the media. Probably, because they'll eventually pass it, but man if I wouldn't love to see teabaggers keep this up, because this is actually a good thing.

  35. iburl

    Is there a possibility of using a mummy's curse to bring the police state down? Like, send Hosni a box and when he opens it, whoops! You've got a 5000 year old curse!
    Could we use a Stargate of some sort?

  36. donner_froh

    80% of Americans can't find Egypt on a map (100% for Fox News viewers).

    Once the 80% is shown the location of Egypt–upper right hand corner of Africa, then 80% of them will go nuts because all those people are actually undeserving minority coloreds and potential illegal aliens who Obama wants to bring to the U.S. to have babies and go on welfare.

  37. chicken_thief

    Christ on a crutch, folks! What's the damn hurry?! That "trickle down economics" will probably start kicking in any. day. now……

  38. Negropolis

    Two-thirds of Americans (66%) say the political changes occurring in Egypt will be mostly good for that country, and a similar percentage (60%) say the changes will be mostly good for the United States.

    Sorry to be a commie-pinko-liberal, but who the fuck cares if this will be "mostly good" for the United States? What does that even matter? Why does everything have to be about us, always? It just pisses me off to no end.

    1. emmelemm

      Just wanted to pipe in and say "agree wholeheartedly".

      Other people in other countries get to do things possibly differently than we would do them. Amazing but true.

  39. xsluggo

    That image brings to mind something Jimi would have said: “Move over Rover, let the Caliphate take over.” And back to you, Glenn.

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