STILL MORALLY WEAK  3:29 pm February 8, 2011

Top Ten New Obama Habits Since He ‘Quit Smoking Last Year’

by Ken Layne

Although I'm so tired, I'll have another cigarette.It’s a pretty slow news year so far, so it’s time to check in with First Lady Michelle Obama to find out if her husband is still sneaking cigarettes in that closet where Bill Clinton used to bang interns and Cheney planned 9/11. (The White House is gross!) Reporters gathered at the White House for a fancy lunch with Michelle, because why not, it’s a fancy time! And they asked her, obviously, if Barry managed to actually quit smoking for reals, and she said, “Yes, he has. It’s been almost a year.” And then she said, “I’m very proud of him,” like he’s eleven or something. But what other bad habits has the president picked up since putting down the cigarettes?

10. Feeds this rat (“Ratty”) he sometimes sees in the White House kitchen, even though the chef is all, “Do not feed the rats are you crazy, we are trying to kill the rats, what is wrong with you?”

9. Leaves socks on floor.

8. Eats so much peanuts.

7. Always masturbating under the desk during National Security briefings.

6. Thinks he’s so good at Angry Birds.

5. Then leaves hella smudges on your iPhone.

4. Sings that “Are you ready for some football!” in the shower so loud on Mondays.

3. Keeps planting Malia’s old Mr. Potato Head toy in the organic garden to “freak out Michelle.”

2. That “look at me I’m George W. Bush choking on a pretzel” routine was funny like one time, two years ago, and yet he still does it every night.

1. Sucks his thumb.

[NYT/USA Today]

 
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{ 98 comments }

mumbly_joe February 8, 2011 at 3:32 pm

NEEDS MOAR MORAL WEAKNESS

DerrickWildcat February 8, 2011 at 3:32 pm

Did you make this up or is it true?

V572625694 February 8, 2011 at 3:42 pm

These are not mutually exclusive possibilities.

PocketsTheClown February 8, 2011 at 3:34 pm

Always whining about thin skin, which is brown.

Schmannnity February 8, 2011 at 3:35 pm

Tacking to the right.

Barbara_i February 8, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Refers to his abdominal muscles as "The Administration"

Ruhe February 8, 2011 at 3:38 pm

OK. But what does he call his biceps?

SexySmurf February 8, 2011 at 3:40 pm

The Loose Nukes?

DarwinianDemon February 8, 2011 at 3:40 pm

The Legislature (Bicameral! Get it? Get it?)

MLHencken February 8, 2011 at 4:01 pm

Yes. Thumbed.

mereoblivion February 8, 2011 at 3:53 pm

Refers to his pelvic muscles as "The Situation."

SexySmurf February 8, 2011 at 4:03 pm

He actually refers to them as "The Stimulus Package."

Negropolis February 8, 2011 at 10:55 pm

And, he calls his man junk "The Judiciary" 'cause it lays down the law, if you know what I mean. Alternate names include "Barry the Plumber" 'cause he knows how to lay down some pipe.

Extemporanus™ February 8, 2011 at 3:38 pm

Ken Layne's inability to quit posting proves he's editorially weak.

chickensmack February 8, 2011 at 3:43 pm

or broke as fuck. Let him earn his seven whore diamonds. it's a goddamn recession.

mereoblivion February 8, 2011 at 3:54 pm

Yeah, but at least nobody had to tell him "Writing is a job."

Bonzos_Bed_Time February 8, 2011 at 3:54 pm

I think it's how you get AOL to notice you.

Radiotherapy February 8, 2011 at 4:01 pm

As long as they don't look at all the disparaging AOL comments he's made over the years.

Ken Layne February 8, 2011 at 4:06 pm

I spent years writing bullshit for AOL. (I'm morally weak.)

HistoriCat February 8, 2011 at 4:13 pm

Their money is as easy to spend as anyone else's.

ifthethunderdontgetya February 8, 2011 at 4:18 pm

Some of the finest Wonkette times I can remember over the years were spent heading over to one of Ken's AOL posts to "chew the fat" with the locals.

Think "Deliverance" plus "Smokey and the Bandit" times "Fast Times at Ridgemont High".

Of course they're all olds movies, because AOL.
~

Radiotherapy February 8, 2011 at 4:39 pm

If you write a post on AOL, does anyone actually read it?

assistantatlas February 8, 2011 at 8:07 pm

Me, too! And making video… They pay really well, actually, (hence their decision to buy Arianna's Celebrity Post-a-rama for $300million+) even if they are one of the worst-run companies in the entire universe. And since no one can find their content, we just re-packaged and re-sold the exact same content to other people. Ahhh… being a whore is fun when the money's good.

Extemporanus™ February 8, 2011 at 5:03 pm

C'mon, (some of) you guys!

My comment was nothing more than some dumb fun with word substitution, and a reference to Ken's heavier-than-usual post-load as of late. It was in no way meant to be interpreted as an unfair accusation of moral weakness against our beloved, banbindle-wielding, hoboblogger-in-chief.

(Of course, that was before he reminded me of that whole AOL thing…)

facehead February 8, 2011 at 3:39 pm

Of course he quit smoking, he's too busy eating the fetuses of aborted christian babies!

Mmmm…. fetus.

Crank_Tango February 8, 2011 at 3:47 pm

aborted christian babies are highest in essential fatty acids, and are great for the scalp. or was it omega threes…

mereoblivion February 8, 2011 at 3:54 pm

Brood libel!

prommie February 8, 2011 at 3:57 pm

Fetus, its good and good for you, filled with health-giving stem cells!

Jukesgrrl February 8, 2011 at 4:17 pm

Which Nancy Reagan obviously found out too late.

DarwinianDemon February 8, 2011 at 3:59 pm

Does it count as smoking if you smoke fetus?

Extemporanus™ February 8, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Abort 'em if ya got 'em!

MissTaken February 8, 2011 at 7:32 pm

I want my baby-back, baby-back, baby-back ribs…

Negropolis February 8, 2011 at 10:57 pm

Baby: It's what's for dinner.

Come here a minute February 8, 2011 at 3:40 pm

But in fact, that "I'm Bush choking on a pretzel" joke really is still funny, and cracks Michelle up every time!

Thurman Munster IV February 8, 2011 at 3:41 pm

Misthta Fawty, eeets not a rat.

Extemporanus™ February 8, 2011 at 4:01 pm

There exists a very special bond between a black man and his rat.

Angry_Marmot February 8, 2011 at 10:24 pm

My Boehner starts to tear up whenever I hear that song…

BarryOPotter February 8, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Manuel!

chicken_thief February 8, 2011 at 3:44 pm

I bet money that Boner cried when he heard the news. BTW, I don't mean this horseshit about the Kommie Kenyan kicking the habit – hahahaha!!! Michelle, you so funnee! I mean any news. About anything. Ever.

sezme February 8, 2011 at 3:46 pm

Typical LIncoln bedroom pillow talk:

She said honey, you know I gave up cigarettes for my new year's resolution
But I didn't give up smoking
I said woman, you going to walk a mile for a camel
Or are you going to make like mr chesterfield and satisfy?
She said that all depends on what your packing
Regular or kingsize

mereoblivion February 8, 2011 at 3:56 pm

L.S.M.F.T.

Lascauxcaveman February 8, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Now what'd I say to piss you off this time, bayyyyy-bee?

mereoblivion February 9, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Back in 7th grade guys used to argue if it stood for that or “Let's screw, my finger's tired.” That was back when guys were guys and all Luckys were unfiltered.

Crank_Tango February 8, 2011 at 3:46 pm

this, this is not a big fucking deal you guys.

ifthethunderdontgetya February 8, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Counter.
~

Ruhe February 8, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Can I be honest? Quitting smoking is a great thing and everybody should do it…except Obama. I'm probably projecting my undying Jed Bartlett crush onto Barry but I just have to imagine that stepping out into the garden for a surreptitious smoke is all that gets him through some days. I can see him taking a long drag, holding the butt cupped in his palm to hide the glow, then looking a the dirt and grumbling "mother fucker".

mrblifil February 8, 2011 at 4:16 pm

It's like that rule in AA, "nothing big the first year," except for Presidents you have to say "nothing big for 8 years." Smoking in his case is probably only a big deal when you take into account other co-morbidity factors, like high-powered rifles aimed at his head.

Limeylizzie February 8, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Is that true about the AA? That explains so much about MrLimeyLizzie, he left Wife One and married Wife Two then had a whole lot of affairs and then won an Emmy! All within about 2 years of gving up the sauce.This was all pre-Limeylizzie.

mrblifil February 8, 2011 at 4:53 pm

Yeah if you're quitting drinking, or sexting, or heroin, you're not supposed to also attempt to lose 120 lbs. or change your career to thoracic surgery. I've gone the other way in that I used to try to f*** anything that moved, and now I just sit home at night wondering what there is to drink. I tip my hat to Mr. LimeyLizzie, who did everything he could to fuck himself up and still ended up with the tits.

Limeylizzie February 8, 2011 at 5:16 pm

He also nearly bankrupted a movie studio when still drinking, completely fucked up his burgeoning career and had to pretty much start over and that is not easy on Hollywood. I was pretty lucky , in that I knew very early on that I could easily have a problem with the demon drink , alcoholics on both sides of my family , and realised that anything stupid I ever did, or anyone I went home with when I didn't know them was all because I had been drinking, so just stopped before I did too much harm .

WriteyWriterton February 9, 2011 at 3:16 pm

Ll, you have fascinating family stories. Looking for a ghostwriter? Not me, mind, but I think the (fe)male on the Bristool Palin assignment is going to be out of work sooner than he/she expects.

WorkTheSaxofone February 8, 2011 at 4:58 pm

The Smoking Barry photo is great. He looks like he's about to get up on the bandstand with Trane and Elvin or something.

edgydrifter February 8, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Has taken to locking himself in the bathroom with some sort of "kit" and an old Jim Carroll cassette. Often seems very sleepy.

WriteyWriterton February 9, 2011 at 3:17 pm

More likely Nick Drake. There was some fine heroin music.

OkieDokieDog February 8, 2011 at 3:49 pm

I think he should go out back with a golf club and whack some Bo doo at the Press Corps.

mereoblivion February 8, 2011 at 3:58 pm

Divots all the same to Bo, that is.

BaldarTFlagass February 9, 2011 at 9:09 am

Now, watch this drive.

Negropolis February 10, 2011 at 12:14 am

Bo Doo sounds like a tasty Korean dish.

ifthethunderdontgetya February 8, 2011 at 3:50 pm

Jeez, why don't you just put up the "FDL this way —–>" and be done with it.
~

SayItWithWookies February 8, 2011 at 3:52 pm

I'll believe he quit smoking when he sticks a wad of gum on the podium before a speech. And then notices a cigarette smell on someone nearby and treats said person to a fifteen-minute lecture on the evils of smoking. And interrupts every meal with "This is great — did this always taste this way?"

OneDollarJuana February 8, 2011 at 4:48 pm

I'll believe it when he's got his lip stuffed up and carries a Coke can that he NEVER drinks from, just spits into.

chickensmack February 8, 2011 at 6:34 pm

…and asks Michelle, right before they get it on, "Can you brush, please? You smell like the cushion in my chair."

Crank_Tango February 8, 2011 at 3:57 pm

"Looks like I picked the wrong administration to quit amphetamines."

PsycWench February 8, 2011 at 3:57 pm

When Obama plays Angry Birds, does he get to use the mighty eagle more than once per hour?

hagajim February 8, 2011 at 3:59 pm

What is FLOTUS now going all Beulah Ballbricker on POTUS by showing us she has cured him of his moral turpitude?

Those who get that obscure reference will definitely tip their age and likely gender hand…

KochFembot February 8, 2011 at 4:09 pm

I guess I am old enough to remember Porky's.

RIP Bob Clark

PublicLuxury February 8, 2011 at 4:12 pm

Porky's? Is that a new Muzlim Bar-B-Que place on K Street?

ifthethunderdontgetya February 8, 2011 at 4:33 pm
Ken Layne February 8, 2011 at 4:08 pm

OMG are you not getting enough vapid internet snark?

DarwinianDemon February 8, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Sorry Ken, you're right. I apologize.

meufchelou February 8, 2011 at 4:09 pm

But does he still eat bacon? Then he will still BURN IN HELL>

chickensmack February 8, 2011 at 6:45 pm

No. Muslins don't eat bacon.

PublicLuxury February 8, 2011 at 4:11 pm

He QUIT smoking???? Well, what do you expect from a Kenyan nationalist that returns presents from Great Britain and makes the Brits go all, "Well I never!"?

EatsBabyDingos February 8, 2011 at 4:12 pm

m a y b e h e EATS BABY DINGOS!!!

mrblifil February 8, 2011 at 4:13 pm

11) Invites Clarence over for 70s Prøn Night, where they get drunk and cry all over each other (because Affirmative Action), after whacking off. Leaves pubes all over Clarence's soda.

LiveToServeYa February 8, 2011 at 4:17 pm

This is change I can't quite believe in.

HistoriCat February 8, 2011 at 4:17 pm

7. Always masturbating under the desk during National Security briefings

Would you blame him – if you're sitting there watching everyone wank about shit when they really have no clue, what are you going to do? That's right – might as well relieve a little tension.

Still no "taking a dump with Lyndon Johnson".

Rotundo_ February 8, 2011 at 6:39 pm

"Taking a dump with Lyndon Johnson" sounds like something that would be shown on "C-SPAN After Dark" right after "The Kennedy Diaries" and just before "Breathing through your ears, With Nancy Reagan"

Jukesgrrl February 8, 2011 at 4:24 pm

When is someone going to demand that Boehner quit? It's moral turpitude if Barry smokes, but when Boehner lights up, it's just something people do at the country club.

DarwinianDemon February 8, 2011 at 4:25 pm

In all honesty, because this is like the third or fourth time he's "quit". Republicans are very good at saying "yeah, and?" about their foibles/moral failures/prostitutes found in trunks.

Dems go the apologize/promise not to do it again route and people hold them to it.

SayItWithWookies February 8, 2011 at 4:39 pm

If John Boehner wanted someone to tell him what to do all the time, he wouldn't leave his wife in Ohio. Hell, I didn't even know he was married until the two of them were together on 60 Minutes, and even then they looked like they'd just met.

zhubajie February 8, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Maybe he ran for office to escape Cincinnati and wify? Cinci is like one of those accursed towns you read about Lovecraft, but huger!

PocketsTheClown February 8, 2011 at 4:26 pm

If human memory was still relevant, I would bet five bucks Coulter dubbed it The Race Speech. If only I could block her from my irrelevant memory.

Monsieur_Grumpe February 8, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Define smoking.

Mumbletypeg February 8, 2011 at 4:34 pm

I'll have to wait on forming an opinion til I see what Obfuscator says about this. If he/she's still obfuscatin' around here, anyways.

OneDollarJuana February 8, 2011 at 4:50 pm

10. Compromising
9. Caving
8. Knuckling under
7. Giving in
6. Turning back
5. Saying one thing, doing another
4. Bending over
3. Succumbing to Stockholm Syndrome
2. "Yes, dear"
1. Getting "centered"

BornInATrailer February 8, 2011 at 5:02 pm

Well that explains Gitmo and the unmodified Patriot Act renewal.

Will someone get him a fucking cigarette please?

arcadesproject February 8, 2011 at 8:39 pm

O doesn't look cool when he's smoking. He looks lame and dorky. Why risk cancer, emphysema, heart disease and wrinkles if you don't even look cool?

BaldarTFlagass February 9, 2011 at 9:11 am

He'd look even cooler if he grew some dreads, put on a pair of George Clinton sunglasses, and sparked up a big fat spliff at his next presser.

sqeptiq February 8, 2011 at 10:42 pm

Word has it he's so bonkers over not smoking, he also swills hot sauce and gorges himself on pickles to overcome his mouth's yearning for nicotine.

Negropolis February 8, 2011 at 10:51 pm

Hella Smudges sounds like the name of some Greek-American, San Franciscan drag queen.

Negropolis February 8, 2011 at 10:54 pm

So, this is why he was so MIA/ineffective during the midterms.

Nicotine's a helluva drug, that one.

BaldarTFlagass February 9, 2011 at 9:12 am

I wonder if he'd win over the redneck contingent if he gave up smoking for Copenhagen.

MinAgain February 9, 2011 at 11:07 am

You forgot the worst habit…

11. Supports democratic reform in Egypt. Disgusting!

mereoblivion February 8, 2011 at 3:51 pm

I was already snarling at republicans before I quit. And maybe Joe Biden.

PsycWench February 8, 2011 at 3:55 pm

Based on my husband's experience (in 1995! Yay!), I'll believe it when Michelle doesn't let him in a gas station, grocery store, etc by himself. Especially after he drops his new guitar on the hardwood floor and cracks the guitar.

chickensmack February 8, 2011 at 6:31 pm

That's my conclusion. Once Hopey had removed Hills from presidential contention, my first thought with McCain's choice of Palin as Veep was "Fuck! He's playing to the disenfranchised woman, by putting in his own."

Then she spoke.

Loosely, you could call AOL's choice to buy HuffPo "a new media strategy," but I think in the end they're going to miss a payment or two.

WriteyWriterton February 9, 2011 at 3:19 pm

If only W had stopped before he did too much harm.

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