It’s a pretty slow news year so far, so it’s time to check in with First Lady Michelle Obama to find out if her husband is still sneaking cigarettes in that closet where Bill Clinton used to bang interns and Cheney planned 9/11. (The White House is gross!) Reporters gathered at the White House for a fancy lunch with Michelle, because why not, it’s a fancy time! And they asked her, obviously, if Barry managed to actually quit smoking for reals, and she said, “Yes, he has. It’s been almost a year.” And then she said, “I’m very proud of him,” like he’s eleven or something. But what other bad habits has the president picked up since putting down the cigarettes?
10. Feeds this rat (“Ratty”) he sometimes sees in the White House kitchen, even though the chef is all, “Do not feed the rats are you crazy, we are trying to kill the rats, what is wrong with you?”
9. Leaves socks on floor.
8. Eats so much peanuts.
7. Always masturbating under the desk during National Security briefings.
6. Thinks he’s so good at Angry Birds.
5. Then leaves hella smudges on your iPhone.
4. Sings that “Are you ready for some football!” in the shower so loud on Mondays.
3. Keeps planting Malia’s old Mr. Potato Head toy in the organic garden to “freak out Michelle.”
2. That “look at me I’m George W. Bush choking on a pretzel” routine was funny like one time, two years ago, and yet he still does it every night.
1. Sucks his thumb.