Although I'm so tired, I'll have another cigarette.It’s a pretty slow news year so far, so it’s time to check in with First Lady Michelle Obama to find out if her husband is still sneaking cigarettes in that closet where Bill Clinton used to bang interns and Cheney planned 9/11. (The White House is gross!) Reporters gathered at the White House for a fancy lunch with Michelle, because why not, it’s a fancy time! And they asked her, obviously, if Barry managed to actually quit smoking for reals, and she said, “Yes, he has. It’s been almost a year.” And then she said, “I’m very proud of him,” like he’s eleven or something. But what other bad habits has the president picked up since putting down the cigarettes?

10. Feeds this rat (“Ratty”) he sometimes sees in the White House kitchen, even though the chef is all, “Do not feed the rats are you crazy, we are trying to kill the rats, what is wrong with you?”

9. Leaves socks on floor.

8. Eats so much peanuts.

7. Always masturbating under the desk during National Security briefings.

6. Thinks he’s so good at Angry Birds.

5. Then leaves hella smudges on your iPhone.

4. Sings that “Are you ready for some football!” in the shower so loud on Mondays.

3. Keeps planting Malia’s old Mr. Potato Head toy in the organic garden to “freak out Michelle.”

2. That “look at me I’m George W. Bush choking on a pretzel” routine was funny like one time, two years ago, and yet he still does it every night.

1. Sucks his thumb.

[NYT/USA Today]

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  • mumbly_joe


  • Did you make this up or is it true?

    • V572625694

      These are not mutually exclusive possibilities.

  • PocketsTheClown

    Always whining about thin skin, which is brown.

  • Schmannnity

    Tacking to the right.

  • Barbara_i

    Refers to his abdominal muscles as "The Administration"

    • Ruhe

      OK. But what does he call his biceps?

      • SexySmurf

        The Loose Nukes?

      • DarwinianDemon

        The Legislature (Bicameral! Get it? Get it?)

    • mereoblivion

      Refers to his pelvic muscles as "The Situation."

      • SexySmurf

        He actually refers to them as "The Stimulus Package."

    • Negropolis

      And, he calls his man junk "The Judiciary" 'cause it lays down the law, if you know what I mean. Alternate names include "Barry the Plumber" 'cause he knows how to lay down some pipe.

  • Extemporanus™

    Ken Layne's inability to quit posting proves he's editorially weak.

    • chickensmack

      or broke as fuck. Let him earn his seven whore diamonds. it's a goddamn recession.

    • mereoblivion

      Yeah, but at least nobody had to tell him "Writing is a job."

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      I think it's how you get AOL to notice you.

      • Radiotherapy

        As long as they don't look at all the disparaging AOL comments he's made over the years.

        • I spent years writing bullshit for AOL. (I'm morally weak.)

          • HistoriCat

            Their money is as easy to spend as anyone else's.

          • Some of the finest Wonkette times I can remember over the years were spent heading over to one of Ken's AOL posts to "chew the fat" with the locals.

            Think "Deliverance" plus "Smokey and the Bandit" times "Fast Times at Ridgemont High".

            Of course they're all olds movies, because AOL.

          • Radiotherapy

            If you write a post on AOL, does anyone actually read it?

          • chickensmack

            That's my conclusion. Once Hopey had removed Hills from presidential contention, my first thought with McCain's choice of Palin as Veep was "Fuck! He's playing to the disenfranchised woman, by putting in his own."

            Then she spoke.

            Loosely, you could call AOL's choice to buy HuffPo "a new media strategy," but I think in the end they're going to miss a payment or two.

          • Me, too! And making video… They pay really well, actually, (hence their decision to buy Arianna's Celebrity Post-a-rama for $300million+) even if they are one of the worst-run companies in the entire universe. And since no one can find their content, we just re-packaged and re-sold the exact same content to other people. Ahhh… being a whore is fun when the money's good.

    • Extemporanus™

      C'mon, (some of) you guys!

      My comment was nothing more than some dumb fun with word substitution, and a reference to Ken's heavier-than-usual post-load as of late. It was in no way meant to be interpreted as an unfair accusation of moral weakness against our beloved, banbindle-wielding, hoboblogger-in-chief.

      (Of course, that was before he reminded me of that whole AOL thing…)

  • facehead

    Of course he quit smoking, he's too busy eating the fetuses of aborted christian babies!

    Mmmm…. fetus.

    • Crank_Tango

      aborted christian babies are highest in essential fatty acids, and are great for the scalp. or was it omega threes…

    • mereoblivion

      Brood libel!

    • prommie

      Fetus, its good and good for you, filled with health-giving stem cells!

      • Jukesgrrl

        Which Nancy Reagan obviously found out too late.

    • DarwinianDemon

      Does it count as smoking if you smoke fetus?

    • Extemporanus™

      Abort 'em if ya got 'em!

    • MissTaken

      I want my baby-back, baby-back, baby-back ribs…

    • Negropolis

      Baby: It's what's for dinner.

  • Come here a minute

    But in fact, that "I'm Bush choking on a pretzel" joke really is still funny, and cracks Michelle up every time!

  • Thurman Munster IV

    Misthta Fawty, eeets not a rat.

    • Extemporanus™

      There exists a very special bond between a black man and his rat.

      • Angry_Marmot

        My Boehner starts to tear up whenever I hear that song…

    • BarryOPotter


  • chicken_thief

    I bet money that Boner cried when he heard the news. BTW, I don't mean this horseshit about the Kommie Kenyan kicking the habit – hahahaha!!! Michelle, you so funnee! I mean any news. About anything. Ever.

  • sezme

    Typical LIncoln bedroom pillow talk:

    She said honey, you know I gave up cigarettes for my new year's resolution
    But I didn't give up smoking
    I said woman, you going to walk a mile for a camel
    Or are you going to make like mr chesterfield and satisfy?
    She said that all depends on what your packing
    Regular or kingsize

    • mereoblivion


      • Lascauxcaveman

        Now what'd I say to piss you off this time, bayyyyy-bee?

      • mereoblivion

        Back in 7th grade guys used to argue if it stood for that or “Let's screw, my finger's tired.” That was back when guys were guys and all Luckys were unfiltered.

  • Crank_Tango

    this, this is not a big fucking deal you guys.

  • Counter.

  • Ruhe

    Can I be honest? Quitting smoking is a great thing and everybody should do it…except Obama. I'm probably projecting my undying Jed Bartlett crush onto Barry but I just have to imagine that stepping out into the garden for a surreptitious smoke is all that gets him through some days. I can see him taking a long drag, holding the butt cupped in his palm to hide the glow, then looking a the dirt and grumbling "mother fucker".

    • It's like that rule in AA, "nothing big the first year," except for Presidents you have to say "nothing big for 8 years." Smoking in his case is probably only a big deal when you take into account other co-morbidity factors, like high-powered rifles aimed at his head.

      • Limeylizzie

        Is that true about the AA? That explains so much about MrLimeyLizzie, he left Wife One and married Wife Two then had a whole lot of affairs and then won an Emmy! All within about 2 years of gving up the sauce.This was all pre-Limeylizzie.

        • Yeah if you're quitting drinking, or sexting, or heroin, you're not supposed to also attempt to lose 120 lbs. or change your career to thoracic surgery. I've gone the other way in that I used to try to f*** anything that moved, and now I just sit home at night wondering what there is to drink. I tip my hat to Mr. LimeyLizzie, who did everything he could to fuck himself up and still ended up with the tits.

          • Limeylizzie

            He also nearly bankrupted a movie studio when still drinking, completely fucked up his burgeoning career and had to pretty much start over and that is not easy on Hollywood. I was pretty lucky , in that I knew very early on that I could easily have a problem with the demon drink , alcoholics on both sides of my family , and realised that anything stupid I ever did, or anyone I went home with when I didn't know them was all because I had been drinking, so just stopped before I did too much harm .

          • WriteyWriterton

            If only W had stopped before he did too much harm.

        • WriteyWriterton

          Ll, you have fascinating family stories. Looking for a ghostwriter? Not me, mind, but I think the (fe)male on the Bristool Palin assignment is going to be out of work sooner than he/she expects.

    • WorkTheSaxofone

      The Smoking Barry photo is great. He looks like he's about to get up on the bandstand with Trane and Elvin or something.

  • edgydrifter

    Has taken to locking himself in the bathroom with some sort of "kit" and an old Jim Carroll cassette. Often seems very sleepy.

    • WriteyWriterton

      More likely Nick Drake. There was some fine heroin music.

  • OkieDokieDog

    I think he should go out back with a golf club and whack some Bo doo at the Press Corps.

    • mereoblivion

      Divots all the same to Bo, that is.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Now, watch this drive.

    • Negropolis

      Bo Doo sounds like a tasty Korean dish.

  • Jeez, why don't you just put up the "FDL this way —–>" and be done with it.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I'll believe he quit smoking when he sticks a wad of gum on the podium before a speech. And then notices a cigarette smell on someone nearby and treats said person to a fifteen-minute lecture on the evils of smoking. And interrupts every meal with "This is great — did this always taste this way?"

    • OneDollarJuana

      I'll believe it when he's got his lip stuffed up and carries a Coke can that he NEVER drinks from, just spits into.

    • chickensmack

      …and asks Michelle, right before they get it on, "Can you brush, please? You smell like the cushion in my chair."

  • Crank_Tango

    "Looks like I picked the wrong administration to quit amphetamines."

  • PsycWench

    When Obama plays Angry Birds, does he get to use the mighty eagle more than once per hour?

  • hagajim

    What is FLOTUS now going all Beulah Ballbricker on POTUS by showing us she has cured him of his moral turpitude?

    Those who get that obscure reference will definitely tip their age and likely gender hand…

  • OMG are you not getting enough vapid internet snark?

    • DarwinianDemon

      Sorry Ken, you're right. I apologize.

  • meufchelou

    But does he still eat bacon? Then he will still BURN IN HELL>

    • chickensmack

      No. Muslins don't eat bacon.

  • PublicLuxury

    He QUIT smoking???? Well, what do you expect from a Kenyan nationalist that returns presents from Great Britain and makes the Brits go all, "Well I never!"?

  • EatsBabyDingos

    m a y b e h e EATS BABY DINGOS!!!

  • 11) Invites Clarence over for 70s Prøn Night, where they get drunk and cry all over each other (because Affirmative Action), after whacking off. Leaves pubes all over Clarence's soda.

  • LiveToServeYa

    This is change I can't quite believe in.

  • HistoriCat

    7. Always masturbating under the desk during National Security briefings

    Would you blame him – if you're sitting there watching everyone wank about shit when they really have no clue, what are you going to do? That's right – might as well relieve a little tension.

    Still no "taking a dump with Lyndon Johnson".

    • Rotundo_

      "Taking a dump with Lyndon Johnson" sounds like something that would be shown on "C-SPAN After Dark" right after "The Kennedy Diaries" and just before "Breathing through your ears, With Nancy Reagan"

  • Jukesgrrl

    When is someone going to demand that Boehner quit? It's moral turpitude if Barry smokes, but when Boehner lights up, it's just something people do at the country club.

    • DarwinianDemon

      In all honesty, because this is like the third or fourth time he's "quit". Republicans are very good at saying "yeah, and?" about their foibles/moral failures/prostitutes found in trunks.

      Dems go the apologize/promise not to do it again route and people hold them to it.

    • SayItWithWookies

      If John Boehner wanted someone to tell him what to do all the time, he wouldn't leave his wife in Ohio. Hell, I didn't even know he was married until the two of them were together on 60 Minutes, and even then they looked like they'd just met.

      • zhubajie

        Maybe he ran for office to escape Cincinnati and wify? Cinci is like one of those accursed towns you read about Lovecraft, but huger!

  • PocketsTheClown

    If human memory was still relevant, I would bet five bucks Coulter dubbed it The Race Speech. If only I could block her from my irrelevant memory.

  • Define smoking.

  • Mumbletypeg

    I'll have to wait on forming an opinion til I see what Obfuscator says about this. If he/she's still obfuscatin' around here, anyways.

  • OneDollarJuana

    10. Compromising
    9. Caving
    8. Knuckling under
    7. Giving in
    6. Turning back
    5. Saying one thing, doing another
    4. Bending over
    3. Succumbing to Stockholm Syndrome
    2. "Yes, dear"
    1. Getting "centered"

  • BornInATrailer

    Well that explains Gitmo and the unmodified Patriot Act renewal.

    Will someone get him a fucking cigarette please?

  • arcadesproject

    O doesn't look cool when he's smoking. He looks lame and dorky. Why risk cancer, emphysema, heart disease and wrinkles if you don't even look cool?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      He'd look even cooler if he grew some dreads, put on a pair of George Clinton sunglasses, and sparked up a big fat spliff at his next presser.

  • sqeptiq

    Word has it he's so bonkers over not smoking, he also swills hot sauce and gorges himself on pickles to overcome his mouth's yearning for nicotine.

  • Negropolis

    Hella Smudges sounds like the name of some Greek-American, San Franciscan drag queen.

  • Negropolis

    So, this is why he was so MIA/ineffective during the midterms.

    Nicotine's a helluva drug, that one.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I wonder if he'd win over the redneck contingent if he gave up smoking for Copenhagen.

  • MinAgain

    You forgot the worst habit…

    11. Supports democratic reform in Egypt. Disgusting!

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