wads and pork

‘Dickwad Hams’ Quitting State GOP Post

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Sorry, there may be a typo in that headline.

Dick Wadhams on Monday unexpectedly dropped his bid for re-election as chair of the Colorado Republican Party, warning GOP leaders that their chances in 2012 could be “severely undermined” by a strategy aimed solely at uniting conservatives.

Wadhams said he had the votes to land a third term but in the past few days got to thinking, “What happens after I win?”

“I have loved being chairman, but I’m tired of the nuts who have no grasp of what the state party’s role is,” he said.

God speed, Dickwad. Hams. [Denver Post]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  • OkieDokieDog

    Good, there were already way too many Dickwad Hams in the GOP.

    • zhubajie

      I dunno, he sounds like one of the few remaining rational people in the other party. They used to be mostly rational, you know, even if you disagreed with them. More recently, the know-nothings have forced the rational ones out, like the cuckoo bird fledgling forcing the real baby birds out of the nest. For the GOP to go all nut-burger, all the time, is bad for the rest of us.

      • OkieDokieDog

        Agreed. It was more of a play on the name. The GOP is full of dickwad hams.

  • PublicLuxury

    I guess there were no Muzlims in Colorado. Hams kept Muzlims at bay, but now, they will invade like a swarm of hogs headed for the tough.

    • Beowoof

      And no one likes hogs as much as the Mooslems.

  • mavenmaven

    sex scandal breaking in 3…2…1…

    • Beowoof

      You mean he was out trying to slam the ham. Oh no, was it in Ted Haggard's Dennys?

  • edgydrifter

    Dickwad biscuits!

  • nounverb911

    No more ham biscuits for Lindsey!

  • SorosBot

    Better to be a dickwad than a teabagger, I guess.

  • MildMidwesterner

    Dickwad says, "I’m tired of the nuts."

    But what does he think of the asshole?

    • zhubajie

      Tired of being shat upon by them, I suppose.

    • ttommyunger

      'Taint sure.

    • Beowoof

      I believe he may enjoy giving the rimjob.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    I’m tired of the nuts

    Wait, with a name like "Dick Wadhams," this guy was one of the GOP moderates?

    Well, there's his problem right there.

  • LesBontemps

    Sorry, there may be a typo in that headline.

    Looks ok to me.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Sorry, there may be a typo in that headline.

    Wadhams Dick'em can't quit you, GOP.

  • SexySmurf

    When are the gaywads going to quit the GOP?

    • DoktorZoom

      "Gaywads, Dorkwads Sign Historic Wad Accord"–The Onion

  • SayItWithWookies

    Wadhams built his reputation running successful U.S. Senate campaigns in Colorado, Montana and South Dakota. He returned to Colorado in 2007 after George Allen's 2006 Senate campaign in Virginia crashed in the wake of comments by Allen deemed racially insensitive.

    The Republican nuts from 2006 are now sick of the Republican nuts in 2011? A little more of this accelerated insanity and we'll be pining for the days when moderates like Glenn Beck were influencing right wingers' opinions.

    • BornInATrailer

      As I read your comment, my brain decided to queue up the generic marching boots/stuka dive whistle sound effect to enhance the ambiance.

      • HistoriCat

        Add a little background speech in German and you're all set.

    • zhubajie

      I fear that you are absolutely correct.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Perhaps we are finally going to see Sarah Palin having a positive influence on the GOP, as everyone quits their job within the GOP to better focus on being contributors for FOX News.

  • MadBrahms

    Breaking news: Dick tired of nuts.

    Nuts. Just hanging around, flailing about aimlessly while Dick was doing all the work.

    Too easy.

    • MistaEko

      Followup: Dick wishes we had a more firm grasp.

      • MadBrahms

        "Dick wonders: What happens after I win?"

        Roll over and fall asleep, probably.

        • Negropolis

          "Dick rises to challenges, as nuts drop into insanity. More at 11."

          "Sometime you feel like a nut; sometimes you don't."

  • freakishlywrong

    Great. Now Dickwad will run as a bluedog Democrat and we'll be stuck with him.

  • PocketsTheClown

    This is the most awesome newsday in a long time. THANK YOU KEN LAYNE ETC

  • Redhead

    Dickwad Hams is tired of nuts? He obviously isn't a real teabagger!

  • SorosBot

    Dick Wadham's replacement is named Mike Hunt.

    • DoktorZoom

      Vice-chair Seymour Butz is running as a write-in.

    • hagajim

      I thought it was Iwanna Uranus

    • LesBontemps

      What, was Hugh G. Rection unavailable?

      (edited in deference to Not_So_Much, below.)

      • PsycWench

        No. Neither was Haywood Jablowmi.

        • Angry_Marmot

          Wilma Fingerdo gets the women's vote.

    • Negropolis

      Mike Cunt taps Eric Shin as GOP director for women's outreach.

  • Come here a minute

    Dickwad Hams sounds sincere when he says that he can't continue to serve as Republican party chairman because he has lost the desire to grasp nuts.

  • hagajim

    "I’m tired of the nuts." Aren't we all Dickwad, aren't we all.

    • Oblios_Cap

      They keep hitting the poor guy in the chin.

      • EatsBabyDingos

        Singing that ol Seeger tune, "Against His Chin," which answers where the nuts were.

  • Not_So_Much

    Regardless of the poor kid's given name, he always calls his intern 'Haywood Jablome'.

  • problemwithcaring

    Move aside, Dickwad. Time to make room for the nut-craving Douchebags of the GOP's future.

    • jim89048

      Almond Joy, Mounds, etc.

  • EdFlintstone

    They need someone who really wants to be close to the nuts, like Dick Taint.

  • randoracer

    Being from Colorado, I can tell y'all that that name couldn't have been given to a more appropriate person, although I suppose his parents could have called him Panty-wad Hams, Schmegma-wad Hams, Santorum-wad Hams or just plain Goat Fucker.

  • Steverino247

    "Just Plain Goat Fucker" would be just a bit pretentious as who really needs four names?

  • Gleem_McShineys

    Emily Litella is more upset about him getting a sex change.

    "There's this, well, dickwad who says 'I have loved being a man, but I’m tired of my nuts. Who has no grasp of what the state party’s hole is?' That is just shameful!"

  • PsycWench

    Scooter Libby doesn't understand the fuss about this guy's name.

  • sqeptiq

    It could be worse. He could be named Dipshit McGoo.

  • CapnFatback

    No more Dickwad Hams?! But I look foward to getting their catalog every Christmas!

  • ttommyunger

    Dick, Wad, Nuts? Say it 'taint so!

  • Negropolis

    "In her concession speech, Yvonne N. Oral vowed not to go down without a bite…er…fight."

  • MinAgain

    I'm glad he's gone. He smelled unpleasantly like pig testicles.