the bear swipeth away

Bristol’s Groundbreaking Book Has Been Censored

Mom burned it.
Oh no, Amazon took down the page for Bristol Palin’s memoir! Perhaps it was a dangerous book, a work of such importance that the authorities felt threatened enough to ban it! Or perhaps it was one of those “pedophile guides to love and pleasure,” and it had to be censored so that people on the Internet would stop wasting their lives yelling about it.

Bristol Palin may or may not have a memoir out this summer. For now, it’s a mystery.

Listings for an “Untitled Bristol Palin Memoir” were viewable Monday on (release date June) and an online catalog for HarperCollins (release date August). The listings have since been pulled.

Publicist Seale Ballenger of the Harper imprint William Morrow, the book’s presumed publisher, declined to comment on Tuesday.

The publicist couldn’t comment because she is still in shock from reading just a bit of the genius that is this memoir. Watch out, American letters. You’ve finally got your Shakespeare. This book IS going to happen, one way or another. [AP]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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      1. DustBowlBlues

        There's one called Track? Then there's Tripp and Flapp and dear little Trigger. For heaven's sake, whatever happened to normal names, like Baryck? (No kidding. A kid who used to be in my Sunday School class was named Baryck, which always reminded me of one of those radioactive enemas sick people have to get.)

  1. Boredw/Gravity

    Apparently someone realized you must live a life first in order to have a memoir. Of course, being functionally illiterate didn't help Bristol's cause, either.

  2. bureaucrap

    Ms. Palin's autobiography has been indefinitely postponed, pending her completion of 5th grade english (including "Johnny Tremaine").

    It was the best of times, it is the best of times.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Ooh, I remember Johnny Tremaine. I can picture that paperback book exactly. What an odd assortment of useless stuff I have filling the filing cabinets of my brain.

  3. mereoblivion

    HarperCollins/William Morrow just be teasin' us, y'all. They're easily subhuman enough to bring out The Drapes of Wrath in plenty of time for that sunblock-stained week at the shore we're all dreaming of today.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      I read this too quickly and saw "she stopped writhing halfway through it."

      Guess I just don't think of Bristol and writing in the same sentence.

    1. Boredw/Gravity

      She actually says her mom would be a great president becasue she runs a household. WTF people….

      1. JustPixelz

        Hey, I run a household too! As President Pixelz, my first official act is to have all incoming mail placed in the basket by the door. Next, only five refrigerator magnets — let's just make some decisions about what to stick on there. Finally, America will go to Blockbuster onThursday.

        1. DustBowlBlues

          That's nothing. I have 8 rescued pets. Running an animal shelter out of your home when the Dust Bowl has turned into a windswept, frozen wasteland, (as opposed to a scorched, windswept wasteland) and keeping them warm and dry is no small feat.

          OT and BTW (Using the text talk you kids understand): When Caroline Kennedy became involved in Hopey's campaign and decided that politics was kind of fun, one of her supporters said, in response to a question regarding Ms. Kennedy's total lack of experience that she "was a wife and a mother. That experience would be vital. To what? That's what idiots said about Palin. I wasn't impressed, in either case.

          1. horsedreamer_1

            That reminds me: the Bristol Palin Experience will henceforth be known as Come*a*lot.

            Come to think of it, JFK's White House could have gone by the same name, too.

    2. baconzgood

      I'm sorry, I cant read all of that. Plus there things you click to here that skank talk. I'll pass.

    3. chicken_thief

      The money quote:

      "The "typical 2-year-old" is currently enrolled in swimming and ice-skating lessons and, according to his doting mother, is already proving to be the brains of the Palin clan."

    4. GOPCrusher

      I'm sorry but it has to be said, there is no fucking way a 20 year old single mother can afford to fly back and forth to Alaska every three or four weeks.

    5. problemwithcaring

      Can anyone with just "common sense" explain to me what the fuck "common sense" means? Its the one thing I didn't figure out, all those years earning professional degrees from universities.

      1. SorosBot

        Common sense is a set of assumptions that color how we view the world, through a combination of instincts that we evolved to increase our chances of survival and our life experiences.

        It's also often wrong; due to both the fact that our instincts and senses were developed for survival, not accurately viewing the world (thus, people thinking a taco with a shape that's kind of like a face is a holy relic of Mary) and issues of scale (thus thinking that the Earth is flat or the Sun orbits the Earth; and general inability to grasp how matter behaves at the quantum level).

        Or it can just be a buzzword used by dumb people.

        1. problemwithcaring

          "Common sense is a set of assumptions that color how we view the world, through a combination of instincts that we evolved to increase our chances of survival and our life experiences."

          An example please? Who is "we"? Whose life experiences? Which instincts and in which combina….

          Oh – your last sentence. Gotcha.

    6. EdFlintstone

      I'm no biblical scholar, but Bristol holding elective office has got to be part of that seventh seal stuff.

  4. PublicLuxury

    I heard the REAL scoop. It is going to be printed on designer toilet paper. It's a shitty book filled with bullshit by a shit for brains author. It will come in a variety of scents.

    1. Come here a minute

      Decorating show: also hard. Just have a camera follow you around your meaningless, meandering daily activities and call it a 'reality show'.

      1. jus_wonderin

        Even more doable….drop a capsule cam down her throat and put the footage on TLC. Call it "Bristol Palin's GI Tract"

  5. KochFembot

    The publisher's publicist is named "Seale"? Assuming it's a woman, I hope she doesn't let her babies get near the Palins, or they will club them.

  6. MrsBiggTime

    It's as if Amazon rolled a giant Trojan over Bristol's hands, forcing her to spill her demon seed to no one. Or forced her to swallow when she wanted to spit. Hell, I don't know, I'm just trying to come up with images at least as disturbing as Bristol Palin writing a "book."

          1. LakeLucilleLoon

            Loved the message on that YouTube "adding comments has been disabled for this video". YouTube, standing in solidarity with it's artists, who knew.

  7. V572625694

    Chapter 1: I was born
    Chapter 2: I began to menstruate, and started fucking Levi
    Chapter 3: Babby/election/Louis Vuitton accessories courtesy of RNC
    Chapter 4: Dw/TS
    Chapter 5: Meeting w/ghostwriter, agent, Farrar Straus & Giroux editor
    Chapter 6: Bought lavish sprawltopian retreat in exurban AZ
    Chapter 7: $$$$

        1. WriteyWriterton

          At least he didn't say, "Just throw it over the transom." How many times have I futilely done that? There are just so many transoms left on this warming planet.

    1. Ruhe

      If it was
      Chapter 3: Preggers!
      Chapter 4: Dang! Pregnant again!

      that would explain the title's mysterious withdrawal.

  8. PublicLuxury

    Is the print media really that desperate? Bristle memoirs and a tea party periodical. It is the Apocalypse.

    1. Boredw/Gravity

      I will miss the inevitable death of books, but it's extremely hard to justify the death of trees for all this garbage.

      1. GeneralLerong

        Well, pretty soon there might be employment opportunities for rag pickers, that should save a coupla trees?

        Bales and bales of rags. Except….does polyester make good paper?

    2. jus_wonderin

      There are times when I honestly think I missed a wakeup and this is what Hell is like. Then, I have a drink and….all's good.

  9. LionelHutzEsq

    And, while I'm tempted to believe that the book was pulled on pedophile grounds, last I looked, there needs to be something that some one would find erotic in it, and with Bristol, I'm just not seeing it.

  10. SorosBot

    So we should only believe Bristol's book is actually coming out when it's on the shelves, like Duke Nukem Forever or Chinese Democracy (though that one was eventually released, just fifteen years after it was announce).

  11. NorthStarSpanx

    In the spirit of piling on American Indian's in today's Wonkette coverage, and since Bristol is "native" according to Sarah, and since I am Native according to my authority (and my tribal enrollment papers) the following faux pas is acceptable.

    This is an unforgivable case of Indian Giving.

    That said, couldn't McCain's handlers have done to same to Sarah when she started going Rogue?

    1. SorosBot

      I always find it weird how so many regular old white and black folks love to brag about how they're "part Indian" because they have a great-great-grandparent who was a Native American. That tiny bit of heritage doesn't really count.

      1. NorthStarSpanx

        I heard that a pair of Cherokee jeans was all you needed to prove your blood quantum level.

      2. DustBowlBlues

        A friend visiting from Seattle (who was Texan by birth) announced to me: "I'm Chickasaw/Cherokee." I told her so is everyone in the state of Oklahoma, but it's nada without her papers. The most tedious part of this is the people who get themselves proven and signed up as Indians, get the license plate, and then act as if they just came off the reservation when they have no more experience with Native American culture.

        I'll stop now before I go there–too late, I can't stop myself. Our local tribe is small, whiny and has a huge chip on the shoulder. Seriously, my friends, there is a point in life when it just isn't my fault. My family never owned slaves and I'm not related to Custer.

        Having said that, do I have to become a Republithug now?

      3. WriteyWriterton

        My half-brother used to "crow" (ha, ha, Crow's a tribe, no really) about being part Indian, and I usually couldn't say fast enough "What part of I don't give a rat's patoot do you not understand?"

  12. mumbly_joe

    Why is Amazon taking away Bristol's First Amendment right to make buckets of money on a book deal, despite not being noteworthy for anything other than not knowing how to use a condom, getting pregnant, and dropping out of high school, and also having a famous mother. CENSORSHIP.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      You forgot "appearing on 'Dancing with the Stars' despite neither knowing shit about dancing nor being anything approaching a star."

    2. ChessieNefercat

      And being an ill-bred, foul-mouthed, uneducated, unintelligent, personality-free sullen stump.

  13. EatsBabyDingos

    Taken down because the name "Impregnating 16 Year Olds for Dummies" was already copywrited. Damn that Todd!

  14. slithytoves

    I actually thought the title was "Bristol Palin: An Untitled Memoir." It seemed so fitting for a book Bristol Palin will never write.

  15. freakishlywrong

    It will appear in serialized form the the Tea Party Review. That way, she'll only have to do one or two installments.

  16. politics_nerd

    Spellcheck machine imploded and took out the ghostwriter much?

    edit: yea first page finally.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      I know what you mean. I was an early commenter on the original thread but not I'm in my normal 1,235 commenter spot. And I've learned the hard way not to snark until I read what's already been snarked. And. . . shit. Gotta' go. Forgot the alt text. This isn't done by Ken, is it?

  17. JoshuaNorton

    I think she'll have a book out soon. Why not? The main thing wingnuts want from a book isn't content. It's that the pages be soft and absorbent.

  18. SheriffRoscoe

    Bristol's "Dear Diary", upon which her memoir is based, apparently had contradictions which need to be resolved. Perhaps the entry "watched teevee with Willow tonight it was fun" was logged onto a date where she later realized she had slipped out to fuck Levi in the flatbed of his truck. This sort of incongruity would put her project on hold don't you think?

  19. CapnFatback

    No surprise here: who's gonna buy the cow when you can read all the "fat" and "faggot" you want for free on Facebook?

  20. __kth__

    The page went down because of Wonkette-inspired tagging (hopefully). But it will go back up as soon as the publisher tips off the teatards to be there en masse to defend Bristol's honor.

    That there is to be a Bristol Palin opus would seem to go without saying.

  21. SayItWithWookies

    The publisher had to reassess the book's timeline after it was explained to Bristol what writing entailed — before that, she thought all you have to do is yell at your ghostwriter over the phone three times a day and then after a month or so a book appears.

      1. SmutBoffin

        With Shia La Boeuf as Levi Johnston?

        Jesus, the People magazine crowd would shit themselves in delight.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      I can see it now… a mashup of "Mommie Dearest" and "Nanook of the North" as directed by Tobe Hooper.

  22. chicken_thief

    Relax folks, it's just being incorporated into an existing book – The Bible. It fits right in there with the "begat-ing" part.

  23. Mahousu

    Relax, the book is still listed at Use the ISBN 0062089374 to search for it.

    Somebody there must have a sense of humor, though, as under "similar books" is listed:

    Confessions of a Brain-Impaired Writer (Dale Carlson, ; ISBN: 1884158242; Paperback; 1999-10-01; 100% match)

    1. problemwithcaring

      Someone should really tell that AP copy writer about the existence of "ISBN" on books and such.

    2. CivicHoliday

      I seriously LOLd at the "Similar Books" list. Some are so apropos that it's not even funny, a la "the blue cotton gown" (yes you are the kind of girl to get fucked by a cigar during work hours), "Fox in the Box", "Journey to Nowhere" and "The Pattern in the Carpet".

      But there is also a book about Muhammad and another about Sonia Sotomayor – goodness knows she has nothing in common with brown people.

  24. Redhead

    I'm sure the entire content of the book would fit on one of Beck's chalkboards – in nice, extra-large font, just the way his (and this book's intended) audience prefers.

  25. sportshort

    Oh just GREAT. Now I'm going to have to call everyone on my book club list and dis-invite them. Anyone out there know what to do with two hundred spam and egg sandwiches?

  26. DustBowlBlues

    This is devastating news. I can't think of a post in recent memory that has generated as much humorous vitriol on the part of the wonkeratti. Here's to the good times. Write on, Bristol! Write on!

  27. DustBowlBlues

    She's actually going to write a blockbuster expose of the Palin clan: "Great Exploitations."

  28. insidebeltway

    The sad thing is that Bristol doesn't get any of the literary allusions made in the comments.

  29. ChessieNefercat

    So my mom was mayer and then governer, and I wanted a baby, but Levi was all like no which sucked, and I was all like yeah! and then we did it again and I got pregnant which was awesome and ma screamed at me for making her look bad which sucked, so we gave her that baby, and I was all like Levi I want a new babby and he was all like no so I'm all like whatever, and then I shook my boobies at him, and so we did it in his truck it was like so romantic, and I got pregnant again so I got to drop out of hs which was awesome but ma was all like you bitch! and you bastard! which sucked but oh well, then she got to be vice president but the faggot haters made her lose which sucked, so she had to quit being governer too, and she got to make a lot of money which was awesome and then she was all like so Bristol you can make money on dwts and I'm all like awesome, so I did, but the haters cheated so I lost which sucked, but I still bought this awesome condo in Az its just like Alaska but sand instead of snow and hot instead of cold, so I think Ill run for president and beat my mom haha shes a bitch anyway, and so like, whatever. Awesome. The end.

  30. Rotundo_

    I wonder how many ghostwriters the little shit has been through. Imagine the indignity of writing a memoir for a 20 something illiterate dropout mother with an attitude and all the grace that Brisdull exudes. I imagine a lot of folks going to rehab after a couple of days working with her, and probably a couple of suicides.

  31. rocktonsam

    Where would they find someone to read it, let alone edit it or ghostwrite it.

    Triggy ain't got that many crayons.

  32. ttommyunger

    For being so rich, the Kock Brothers ain't too smart. Boys, you need to stagger the orders a little, ordering in blocks of a million books at a time is buying them faster than Amazon can stock them.

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