all about the benjamins

Christine O’Donnell Finally Launches PAC To Pay Her Mortgage & Pizza Bills

She's planning on buying an autographed set of all the "Twilight" books, too.Poor little witch girl Christine O’Donnell never has any money. It sucks, because you need money to do stuff, like pay rent or buy ladybug costumes. So Christine figured out she could just run for various political offices she’ll never ever win, and then old wingnuts who “think she’s cute” will send her money, which can then be used at the grocery or the mall or wherever — pretty much anyplace that takes money in exchange for goods and services! Sadly, the end of yet another failed campaign means the donations dry up. Luckily, Christine heard of this scam called the “Political Action Committee,” which is basically a PayPal directly to your overdrafted basic checking account.

Christine just sent us a secret message because we’re on the same Wiccan livejournal:

Your incredible contribution of time and money allowed us to send the establishment a powerful message last year. Our fight is not over as so many patriots like you have sacrificed over the years to keep America great!

You’ve probably heard about the latest smear on me. The establishment is going to keep attacking and keep trying to destroy those they think might be a threat.

Hmm, was there a latest smear on you, Christine? No, because you’ve already been forgotten. That’s why you didn’t identify this alleged latest smear, because there is none. The only reason there will be a latest smear today is because you’ve launched this latest ridiculous scam to get dumb people to pay for your suits at The Limited, and also for your iPhone and anything else a professional lady with no job might need, in life.

Your incredible contribution of time and money …. The key word here is “money.” It’s the key word in Christine’s life. It’s the key thing she lacks, because she doesn’t like to work and it’s hard enough to get a job these days when you’ve got a skill.

Besides, as we’ve learned from such Ken Burns’ documentaries as Bewitched and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, having sexy supernatural satanic powers doesn’t mean you can apparate money into your bank account. Only a PAC hooked up to the real-world magic of PayPal can do that. A Teabagger-supported PAC + PayPal is basically a Gringotts come to life, and you’ve got a vault full of glittering witch doubloons.

Your donation also enables me to speak out in many venues from Coast to Coast, thereby helping support a nationwide effort. This is a way that will help me counter attack our opponents and bring the battle to them.

You have helped me come this far. You have been a true friend. Please help me again with your donation. These are battles that will be won or lost based on how much support and organization our side can put forward right now.

That is why I ask you most urgently to lend your financial support to ChristinePAC.

Make your donation right now.

Haha, sure, Christine, sure. Travel is glamorous, after all! And someone like you should be able to travel Coast to Coast, in at least Business Class. Should a magical gal be stuck in some shithole like Wilmington forever? [Ha Ha she is so shameless]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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  • edgydrifter

    Money for plane tickets? What, she's too good for her broom now?

  • freakishlywrong

    Witch should be put in laughing stocks.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      I laughed at that despite myself. You, sir, deserve all the fisting you get.

  • nounverb911

    Cant we just mail her some used Newts to play with?

    • Crank_Tango

      pudding tub gingrich ftw

    • LionelHutzEsq

      Newt's wife has cancer again? Did Christine hex her?

    • danceswithpalin

      Or are those Newts too limp and impotent?

    • AlaskaGrrl

      Newt be fickle,
      Newt be slick,
      Newt divorce you
      For some other hick.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Wonkette, you have overproduced today. You broke me with the notice of a CODPAC.

    I have nothing left.

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      They don't just give those Bloggies away; they have to be earned!

  • SorosBot

    She needs the PAC to illegally pay her legal bills because of her illegal use of campaign funds.

    • Grief_Lessons

      Illegal campaign funds.

    • not that Dewey

      It's an ouroborous of campaign fraud!

  • nounverb911

    "Your donation also enables me to speak out in many venues from Coast to Coast"
    (No one wants to pay my speaking fees.)

    • LionelHutzEsq

      My understanding is that while people are willing to pay her fees (I mean, two bucks is two bucks), they are less than willing to draw pentagrams with lambs blood without a significant cleaning deposit.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    Hasn't she latched on to the teet of the Fox News Contributor PAC yet?

    • elviouslyqueer

      That's after the book deal, remember?

  • MadBrahms

    I much prefer Wonkette's O'Donnell coverage to the non-stop Palin pieces the editors are forced to write by a vicious news cycle. Far more opportunities for great magick-based humor, and less of the sense that anyone outside of her critics gives a crap about her existence.

    …we are the only ones who care, right? I mean, her political currency (har, har) has all been spent?

    • baconzgood

      T-14:59 of fame and counting.

    • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

      It does make one wonder.

      What does Palin have that Witchy does not?

      It can't be the gift of gab, or intelligence.
      ~

      • Terry

        Palin is mean, while there is no indication that Xtine is.

        • http://blogslut.com blogslut

          There it is. The wignuttians need mean.

      • Mahousu

        Blonde vs. brunette. And unfortunately, I think that might really be the case.

      • Cicada

        Palin was boosted to national prominence in the 2008 campaign. O'Donnell was never treated as seriously. Plus Palin has the retard kid.* That gives her gravitas.**

        *Bristol
        **Bill Kristol's analingous

        • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

          Ha I read Bristol as Kristol the first time through. Made sense also.

        • WriteyWriterton

          I thought Kristol was the retard kid.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    She's a quick learner.

    • HistoriCat

      But is she a hard-ass worker? No she is not.

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        Course not, silly cat… they've all moved to Arizona.

  • OkieDokieDog

    Sorry, Xtine, but I deleted my Pal Pay after they refused to let people donate to Julian Assange & WikiLeaks.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Plus, do you all know how much a good bullock or white ram cost?

    Blood orgies don't just happen on their own!

  • SmutBoffin

    I thought Buffy the Vampire Slayer was done by Werner Herzog.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      The original movie, but not the TV series. That was done by Chris Carter.

      • chicken_thief

        Chris Carter was an awesome receiver, but as an analyst – meh.

  • Barbara_i

    Odd that she has an anti masturbation stance. Gee, what else are you going to do if you live with Delaware? I lived there for 25 years.

    • Toomush_Infer

      She's just trying to stop….

    • chicken_thief

      Her masturbation stance is: against the washer, on the spin cycle.

  • yyyaz

    And to think we used to burn them for merely having feral cats.

    • Gleem_McShineys

      If that Halloweentime Hookup tale is to be believed, then that is not a feral cat.

  • Tundra Grifter

    She's just using the Michele Bachmann blueprint. Thanks to Wonkette I'm on Ole Crazy Eyes' email list, and she asks for money more often than a college freshman.

    I read Mrs. Bachmann's PAC has about $11,000,000 in the bank (that's not a retorical exageration, although I probably didn't spell the words correctly) – yet that fiscal conservative keeps asking for more cash.

    Ms. O'Donnell is probably dreaming about having 11,000 ironmen in the bank…

  • freakishlywrong

    I'm determined not to let them destroy our movement. If I stand alone, though, I'm no match for the liberal media and the political establishment. But, with us standing together to fight, they don't have a chance! …aaannnd, I can pay my rent.

    • Radiotherapy

      And a few simple luxuries to keep my mind off masturbation.

  • baconzgood

    I found her web site difficult to masterbate too.

  • KochFembot

    Christine, I'm not sure this is going to work. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you might have to go get a job now and put in some work.

    • DaSandman

      Werk? werk? What is this werk of which you speak?

      • freakishlywrong

        She'll never earn any social security doing this shi…oh, wait, the wingnuts are taking that away from us as well.

    • zhubajie

      G-d forbid that a Republican *work*! Isn't that for illegal aliens and other lesser breeds outside the law?

  • DaSandman

    I am seeing a Palin / Bachman / Chrissy cage match on pay per view in the very near future

    Let the fapping of those tired old Teabags cocks begin!

  • DaSandman

    Or perhaps she'll start selling her panties via RedState…

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    I only wish I had learned this trick earlier in life.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Shameless grifting. It's not just a job, it's an adventure!

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Xtine's PAC has got to be for bail, and don't mean pumping water out of her sinking boat. Do our attnys know iffin' she can use her PAC monies for bail & attnys after she gets hit with her election funds fraud indictment?

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Green shoots. ChrissyPAC gives habitual lottery-ticket buyers a new outlet for paying their stupidity tax.

  • JimmyCarlBlack

    "You’ve probably heard about the latest smear on me."

    Yeah, good luck getting wingers to pay for your pap smear, Xtine.

    • Amo_of_Bogio

      I was thinking more of the smear on her, from, you know, someone fap-ping ( stupid autocorrect) on her…

  • V572625694

    A "counter attack" is when they come at you with Formica®-covered particle board. Happens all the time in Delaware, one hears.

  • PsycWench

    You’ve probably heard about the latest smear on me.
    Calm down Christine; sexually inactive women usually only need a Pap smear about every three years.

    • MarshallBanana

      I think she meant to say, "PLEASE TELL ME you've heard about the latest smear on me. What? You haven't? Here, let me tell you about it in detail, because I'm important."

  • SexySmurf

    Good thing she doesn't live in Romania.

  • Radiotherapy

    She can put the sham in shameless…it's magic.

  • PalinPussyPower

    Christine, I'm going to give you the same exact advice I gave to Bristol yesterday: try prostitution. It's much easier and doesn't require as much brain exertion. You'll probably want to raise a few bucks to wax the hedges but the initial investment will be worth it. I hear there's a big market for Sarah Palin fetishists. Get yourself some square glasses and go to town.

  • AZ_Transplant

    I wish witchcraft was real. Then I could make O'Donnell, Sarah Palin, and the entire Fox News network disappear forever.

  • BornInATrailer

    First line crammed Hall & Oates "Rich Girl" but instead with "witch" into my brain.

    Can't get it out.

    Help.

  • Mahousu

    Christine wants to allow families to pass down their life earnings and conveniently provides a donate today button to let them do so. Thoughtful.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Christine needs the money — if she's going to be seen as a serious presidential candidate in 2012, she's gotta get herself a kid with Down syndrome now.

    • MarshallBanana

      I hear them things is expensive.

      • chicken_thief

        Not if she moves to MA – they have Romneycare!

    • Gleem_McShineys

      There's a TrigPal button?

    • horsedreamer_1

      While my mother & stepfather watched the 2008 GOP convention, my stepfather summarized the event as "She's got a Down's baby, & He's got a Bangladeshi".

  • prommie

    Has noone pointed this out yet, this phenomenon, this Christine O'Donnel, even la Palin, this is the celebutard phenomenon come to politics, these are the Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian's of politics. Famous for being famous, not for any hint of talent, accomplishment, or ability, simply notorious.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Failed Republican political candidate hasn't been offered her own show on FAUX News yet, for money? WTF?

  • Extemporanus™

    I was under the impression that Christine O'Donnell already had a PAC…with the Devil!

    *rimjob*

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Money earning idea for Christine.
    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_EqQZrgoXvqM/Sd_EXpZk6II

    • Worthly Wokette Skum

      Best post of the week!

  • prommie

    She should marry Breitbart, that way she could stay a virgin forever, and investigate Acorn and PLanned Parenthood and Mary Landrieau together, forever, dressed as a pimp and ho. . . .

    • mumbly_joe

      She could also investigate CNN, but she'd have to give up her flower to go undercover on that one.

      The good news is, you can pray it back. I know, because they said so in some movie where the chick gets teen-pregnant.

  • baconzgood

    EWWWWWWWWWWWW. I have to clorox my brain now.

  • GeoffPeterson

    "That’s why you didn’t identify this alleged latest smear, because there is none." Or maybe it's because the latest smear was that she likes to use campaign donations to pay for rent and mascara?

    Or maybe not. All the smears are kinda jumbled together in my head now, blech.

  • Worthly Wokette Skum

    Broke, talentless & shameless: she's me!

  • genxr

    Whatever happened to Washingtonienne, anyway?

    • http://wonkette.com Ken Layne

      Got old, probably?

  • chickensmack

    I guess after her three months of solo post-election failure sex, it was time to roll off the couch and go to The Money Store.

  • Come here a minute

    The modern Republican version of being slumped against a wall in a subway station with a tin cup and a sign that says HELP PLEASE.

  • MarshallBanana

    Well shit. Somebody give me something to "run for" so I can have a PAC too. They seem to be all the rage these days. That, and part-time Batshit-Insane-Slash-Jingoist-Manipulation-News commentatering.

  • MarshallBanana

    "What, honey? Oh no, I'm just heading out to… donate to a PAC."

  • MistaEko

    Republican female candidates are going to have a real hard time fundraising once the base discovers Redtube.

  • Oldskool_

    In other words, Playboy never called.

    • Ruhe

      Oh, I bet they did. But Mercede got all the first round money leaving Christine no choice but to pass.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

      It's not a good match aesthetically. For one, she's a bit doughy and not quite pretty enough. For the other, they typically don't run photo spreads wherein the talent pleasures multiple Rugby squads.

  • sezme

    Oral Roberts assesses the shamelessness of this cash grab from his grave and says, "Meh."

  • ShiftyParadigm

    "You’ve probably heard about the latest smear on me." I gave you the benefit of the doubt and assumed it was mayonnaise.

    • forgracie

      …and the mechanic said "Looks like you blew a seal." To which the penguin replied, "No, that's just ice cream."

  • Barrelhse

    I'll just send over a nice chowder.

  • hagajim

    "and then old wingnuts who “think she’s cute”want to bang her will send her money, which can then be used at the grocery or the mall or wherever — pretty much anyplace that takes money in exchange for her goods and services.

    There I think that's fixed now.

  • Not_So_Much

    I thought she was totes against any kind of 'smears on her'? She's keeping it all dry all the time.

  • OldRedneck

    She could raise a lot more money if she gave premiums in exchange for donations. You know, like they do on NPR — donate $100, get a broom and riding lessons; donate $500 and she'll cast a spell for you.

  • Jukesgrrl

    Isn't there any money in the pudding cup?

    • Gleem_McShineys

      PuddingPAC probably dried up after reading the public accounts of her pubic account.

    • the_problem_child

      Only if two girls, one pudding cup.

  • Gorillionaire

    Did she already spend the money from her fat book advance?

  • GOPCrusher

    I don't know. I think I'll wait until Sarah Palin lets us know how this affects her, before deciding on whether or not to send Xtine some munnies.

  • bumfug

    "Your donation also enables me to speak out in many venues from Coast to Coast…"
    I need your donation because the people where I go to speak said I'm not worth shit and hitch-hiking to a gig just sucks.

  • SaintRond

    Jesus Christ, will somebody please give that twisted little creature a seriously hard fucking already? It's like looking at the sexual equivalent of those starving kids in Africa.

  • Flat_Earther

    What does $100 get you?

  • http://protoplasm.wordpress.com Hipple, Rev. Paul T.

    The PAC plan worked like a prayer for Mama Griz! So it should work good for Never-married Little Sister Griz, too!

  • BarackMyWorld

    You’ve probably heard about the latest smear on me.

    NOBODY IS STILL TALKING ABOUT YOU, BITCH.

    *looks at response thread*

    ALMOST NOBODY IS STILL TALKING ABOUT YOU, BITCH.

  • zhubajie

    Send her Hell money!

  • zhubajie

    She's still a wiccan?

  • zhubajie

    So how long before she sells her "virginity"? How many times?

  • zhubajie

    Can she be a semi-pro guest on Xtn TV shows? Like 700 Club? Denouncing witchcraft, etc.?

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    She must have lost the bookmark:
    http://www.seekingarrangement.com/

  • Come here a minute

    If you don't like the smears, just swallow!

  • BZ1

    Fun facts from Wikiwonderland: Notable alumni of Fairleigh Dickinson University include Stephanie Adams, Playboy centerfold and author, Ms Peggy Noonan, columnist, author and former speechwriter for Ronnie Raygon and of course, Christine O'Donnell who did not graduate until 17 years after leaving the campus.

  • http://www.wonkette.com PresBeeblebrox

    That pitch read like a 419 scam letter. Donating to ¢hri$tinePAC is definitely 100% risk free.

    • the_problem_child

      Unless you're a horny Nigerian looking for sex with a non-circumsised woman.

  • sqeptiq

    Less government! More freedom! Well, after you schmucks pay for my house.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Ms. O'Donnell is probably not going to credit her hooters for her success. Or lack thereof. [Success – not hooters; we don't know about them. Yet.]

    However, Hooters is another matter:
    http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/us_lawmaker_hooters

  • ttommyunger

    I rarely say this: too dumb to fuck!

  • UW8316154

    That's not a smear on you, honey, that's my cum on your thigh.

  • lulzmonger

    PAC = Prison-Avoidance Con.
    "I'm you … just as soon as you give me your PIN code."

  • PublicLuxury

    Trim the bush

  • WriteyWriterton

    "Trim the danged bush!"

    Fixed.

  • MoeDeLawn

    Moe de damn lawn!