parade magazine times a billion

Tea Party Launching Sexy New Magazine To Save America, Publishing

Sweet TransvestiteDoes that special someone in your life (unwanted grandparent in the Midwest) need a fun new magazine subscription to go along with Reader’s Digest Large Print Edition and that weird brochure from NewsMax? Well get your checkbook ready because TEA PARTY REVIEW is gonna drop at CPAC, sneetches, and it’s packed with flava such as some old wire photo of Sarah Palin speaking at that thing last year, and a hawt new feature called “Meeting the Editor,” and some otha stuff, nobody really knows … oh wait, we mean, “and even a comic strip about a Tea Party congressman dealing with the Red Chinese.” Man this is better than any dang old free subway paper full of horror-scopes and those Armenian sisters for $40 on that faggy iPad, no?

Somebody emailed us a press release from this thing for some reason:

“There’s a profile of the first Tea Partiers elected to statewide office, a look at key figures in history such as Alexis de Tocqueville and Booker T. Washington, and even a comic strip about a Tea Party congressman dealing with the Red Chinese,” Pierson noted.

The “Tea Party Review’s team of writers, artists, and editors reflect the diversity of the movement, including individuals from all over the country incorporating a wide variety of backgrounds. The magazine includes people who’ve never contributed before to a national magazine, along with people who have written for major publications like the Chicago Defender and The New York Times.”

Yeah, who is that black person Tea Partiers can mention? Booker T. and his famous peanut butter! Also let’s give it up for the Chicago Defender, whatever that is …

Here is Cee-Lo and Prince doing “Crazy” last night in New York, to cleanse the palate:

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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      1. MarshallBanana

        Man, don't even get the Tea Party started on how socialist TNG was. I'm serious.

        (Disclaimer: It really was totally socialist.)

    1. Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

      Given the whole "it's not rape if you don't get cut", "let's send children into coal mines again, that worked out well right?', "black people in charge, what is the world coming to" direction the republicans are taking us, I'm going with 1855.

    2. genxr

      I for one can't wait to see how these patriots who so value diversity, draw the Chinese in caricature.

      Red Chinese: "Me so solly"

      Teabaggers: "Dey tuk ar jerbs!"

    3. MittsHairHelmet

      It's amazing how the Tea Party'ers just take those old tropes and use them like it hasn't been 30-50 years since they meant anything.

      It's like, if something was used in the conservative narrative at any time it's still valid to them, no matter how long it's been or how many times its been contradicted by other pieces of the conservative narrative.

      Maybe they're so ignorant of reality because they use their entire brain to remember every conservative enemy/grievance since WWII.

      1. zhubajie

        It's not just the T-tards, unfortunately. Lots of "liberals" are full of Yellow Peril paranoia about post-communist China.

  1. angryclownspawn

    This is the LAST thing my crazy relatives and in-laws need. It's challenging enough for them to try and keep all of their Glenn Beck quotes straight. Now someone expects them to READ?!?

  2. Oblios_Cap

    and even a comic strip about a Tea Party congressman dealing with the Red Chinese.”

    Sounds worse that Mallard Fillmore, if that's possible.

    And they said print media was dying!

  3. SorosBot

    Who the fuck still uses the phrase "Red Chinese"? I thought that was retired in 1972; maybe this Pierson dude thinks Chiang Kai-shek will rise from the grave.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Rush Limbaugh still says Chicom. Like, every day. Apparently there's a whole demographic out there that thinks of Major Frank Burns as a war hero.

    2. V572625694

      You'd think they'd understand: China is still a totalitarian dictatorship, just not a dictatorship of the proletariat. Let's see, who are the other dictator candidates again…oh yeah, business guys. These are your peeps, Teabaggers! And if you're done using that tolulene, just dump it in the river — it'll be somebody downsteam's problem. And if your workers get injured welding structural steel 40 floors up at 11:00 PM, there's plenty more where they came from.

      1. SorosBot

        And the government tells women what they can do with their own wombs, and what religions they are allowed to worship. Truly, modern China is a wingnut paradise.

      2. MarshallBanana

        This is literally what they want, except they imagine themselves the oppressors, not the oppressed.

        They're just so cute!

      1. Gleem_McShineys

        See? This is their Big Tent!
        You can use all kinds of different terms to refer to exactly the same talking points!

    3. BlueinVA

      My MIL used the term Oriental and a really offensive old-timey AA slur until the day she died. Made me want to slap her upside the head. I was with her once when she asked a white couple where they got their Oriental baby. She had money to burn and retired to FL w/ her second husband. Pretty sure she voted for Buchanan — on purpose. She'd have been a Teabagger, but wouldn't have bucked up for a magazine subscription.

      Oh, yeah, she said Chinaman, too.

    1. chickensmack

      I wonder if she has an editor that can put "unh… unh… harder! deeper!" into readable format.

    1. Redhead

      I heard a couple actually prefer Doritos to Cheetos, and there's one guy that likes Bud Lite better than PBR! Wow, what diversity!

  4. BaldarTFlagass

    The only way this could be better is if they had a Hawt Ladeez of the Tea Party centerfold, for the fapping.

    1. freakishlywrong

      Uh..Balder, have you seen some of them teabaggin' laydeez? T'aint a set a teeth betwixt em'. And they's old and fat…

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          Sheesh. This is the one message board that I thought that I would never, ever have to explain the concept of irony.

    2. V572625694

      Okay, you got Michele, Sarah, and they're both a bit saggy after all they babbys. Who's next?

      Can't really see that feature running too many issues.

      1. chicken_thief

        Theyz gotz Xstine and her infamous undergrowth, too!

        Q. How can you tell O'Donnell's broom from the other witches?
        A. It's the one with the sanded-smooth handle from her steel-woolish crotch hairs.

  5. Amaravilha

    Good choice of Booker T. over DuBois…..

    … and that famous "man of the people," the aristocrat Alexis.

  6. Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

    The “Tea Party Review’s team of writers, artists, and editors reflect the diversity of the movement…

    You mean they have people of northern European and western European descent?

    1. WriteyWriterton

      "…Tea Party Review’s team of [...] reflectS the diversity of the movement," but no basic familiarity with subject-verb agreement.

  7. horsedreamer_1

    Also: don't knock the Armenians. They are America's greatest treasure. Kirk Kekorian, who had the ice-sculpture replica of Michaelangelo's David pissing vodka at his birthday party; Dr. Death, Jack Kevorkian; & beatific CBS sideline reporter Armen Keteyian. &, course, the Kardashian sisters.

    1. Limeylizzie

      Not to forget the lovely Armenian lady who threads my eyebrows, you have to love that beauty procedure and only those from a truly hairy ethnic background can do it properly.

  8. freakishlywrong

    Yay! The country faces such a dirth, a deficit if you will, of crackpot, wingnut "news" sources! And the tundratwit does not get nearly enough publicity. This is very needed.

  9. chascates

    As someone who spent his working life in printing and publishing before being laid-off (and with the employment for my vocation almost nonexistent) I have to applaud any new print publication, however ridiculous. Most new magazines last 18 months on average, even free ones. May the entire teatard movement crash along with it!

    1. V572625694

      It's a shame, isn't it? Nothing like crisp type and hi-rez photos on good coated stock. Computer screens have got a long way to go before they hit that level of resolution and legibility.

    2. donner_froh

      As another veteran of printing and publishing (currently unemployed, retired or consulting, depending on who is asking) I am in favor of anyone who want to pay money to print words and images on paper even if they aren't worth reading or even looking at.

    1. Oblios_Cap

      And Joe McCarthy in April. They're saving Bunker Hunt and his brother for the Silver Anniversary issue.

  10. PabaBritannica

    Can't wait til the swimsuit issue. I hear that Phyllis Schyalafaaleflafly is gonna provide some good old fashion American cheesecake in that one.

  11. littlebigdaddy

    But are they going to have hook-up ads in the back? Cuz who wouldn't like some 60-something, batshit crazy, scooter-ridin action?

    1. Oblios_Cap

      If they're like most handyman magazines, they'll definitely have plenty of ads for various performance-enhancing methods.

  12. PabaBritannica

    I hope there's a food section.

    "A Review of the New Montana Bacon Beef Anus Burger at Arby's: Reagan Would Eat It"

    1. Oblios_Cap

      This is Capitalism. You need to steal a box of crayons from a somebody poorer than yourself or go without.

    1. MissTaken

      Really? I interpreted it as Sarah demonstrating just how hard her nipples get when she thinks about Reagan.

  13. mereoblivion

    "Shady Pines Senior Care, Walmartville, TX":

    Rumor spreadin' a-round in that Texas town
    'bout that shack outside La Grange
    and you know what I'm talkin' about

  14. DemmeFatale

    The Cee-Lo (actual singing!) and Prince (actual playing!) duet almost got the wretched taste of the Super Bowl Halftime Show out of my mouth!
    Thanks, Ken!

  15. baconzgood

    I was so sick of sifting through dozens of publications. Now all my tea parties are reviewed in one place.

  16. arbit

    Over on there's an intriguing feature story titled "Cor in Rup American Tion Politics", which i'm dying to know more about.

  17. freakishlywrong

    Ugh. Went to the site. Another wingnut intertube fail. The only thing that works on it is a poll asking these retards what they like to see cut from the budget to rein in the debt. And, of course, one the options is " Repeal Obamacare". As though the CBO never scored it to reduce the deficit. Ignorant fucks, thy name is Teaparty. Or, actually, it's the Koch Brothers.

    1. Amaravilha

      You missed "What's Inside," featuring irony-free articles such as:

      # ¨Why the Elite Media Hate Us
      # ¨Glenn Beck vs. the Communist Party: A Tale of Two Rallies
      # ¨The Left’s War on Science and Reason
      # ¨How the Top Colleges Turn Kids into Stupid Leftists
      # ¨The Tea Partiers vs. the Race Baiters

  18. WriteyWriterton

    You can win great prizes, Olds, selling subscriptions at the Senior Center/Hoveround Charging Station!

    1. Bonzos_Bed_Time

      One of the most underrated guitarists.

      Robert Smith from the Cure also plays a mean guitar underneath all that pouty make-up.

      Two cases were the personas get in the way of music.

      1. Extemporanus™

        And while his final note is still ringing in our ears, he throws his guitar straight up in the air and it never comes back down!

        THAT is how you end a fucking solo, gunslingers!

        [FUN FACT: George Harrison's wife didn't want Prince to perform the song because he supposedly wasn't very familiar with it (?!), and only learned the chords minutes before taking the stage.]

    2. GOPCrusher

      Seeing him live is something everyone should experience.
      His rendition of Purple Rain in concert will bring tears to your eyes.

  19. gef05

    On their website's forum is the following question:
    How Do I Get Involved in My Local Tea Party?

    Below the question is this text:
    0 People would like this answered

    I have nothing to add.

  20. Zombie_Reagan

    I love this choice in the poll (of how to lower the national deficit) on its website:

    "Permanently extend all Bush-era tax cuts for the middle class as well as wealthier Americans."

    Yep, this is a REAL grassroots movement. Pay not mind to the Koch brother behind the curtain.

      1. GOPCrusher

        Well, when you cut off all other spending that doesn't include weapon procurement, it makes sense.
        In fact, let's just not pay our military personnel anymore, if they truly loved America, like our Tea Bagging brethren, they would be willing to go kill foreigners for free!

  21. chicken_thief

    Tocqueville I get – he hated Arabs, too and believed blacks and "injuns" were mentally inferior to whites. But Booker T….?

    1. problemwithcaring

      He gave a speech in 1895 Atlanta that basically claimed if white people gave Blacks jobs and industrial training, they would (and should) stop clamoring for social and civil equality – including, interest in such "white pursuits" as a liberal arts education.

      Of course, his stance of accommodating of white oppression won him a lot of support and funding from white southerns for his for universities and ultimately led to his position as defacto Jim Crow-era "spokesman of the Negro race." He, however, was at odds with Du Bois and many other Black and white intellectuals who, while recognizing the utility of Washington's posture with whites, felt such a strategy tacitly accepted the idea that Blacks were inferior (at least in the civic and social sphere.)

      Check out Du Bois's essay "Of Mr. Booker T. Washington and Others"

  22. MrsBiggTime

    But how to distinguish Tea Party Review from its competition?

    Highlights for Children: Hidden Pictures® and challenging puzzles
    Tea Party Review: Conspiracy theories®
    Highlights for Children: Crafts that promote creativity
    Tea Party Review: We let Chinese kids do our crafts for us, cheap.
    Highlights for Children: Super fiction and nonfiction stories that encourage reading
    Tea Party Review: Impossible to tell difference between fiction and nonfiction
    Highlights for Children: Jokes and riddles just for fun
    Tea Party Review: Jokes get elected
    Highlights for Children: Exciting science experiments
    Tea Party Review: Science is for elite smarty-pants
    Highlights for Children: Drawings and poems from kids
    Tea Party Review: Plagiarized drawings and poems from kids

  23. Midway117

    WOW! What a big media week. First Arianna Saves Community Journalism, and now this. I Logged On to their Webpage, and thingies just kept a-slidin' by. Then I saw this note:

    "Please be advised that Explore is not showing our webpage correctly. Use Firefox, Safari or Googlechrome. "

    I do use the Googlechromes, but whatever.

    1. freakishlywrong

      It's not displaying in the Firefox either. They just suck at all technology save the Twittah. And that's because it's impossible to make any sense on the Twittahs. Hence, wingtards lurve it.

  24. PalinPussyPower

    I love that cover. Former Governor Dingbat looks like the wingnut version John Travolta in a white suit and disco fingers. And they're both teabaggers what a coincidence!

  25. Oblios_Cap

    If it doesn't have an advertisement on the back cover telling me how I can make money and win prizes selling "Grit" I'll know it's not really the party organ.

    The Tea Party Organ.

  26. baconzgood

    I can't stop looking at the link and it's "What's inside" bullet points. It's funnier than Richard Pryor.

  27. chickensmack

    I guess Cindy Crawford may be too old for the powdered wig deal again.

    Which reminds me: Anyone remember the cover of Spy Magazine with a photoshopped OJ in Continental Army Dress Uniform on the cover, after he was acquitted? The cover was one thing; the internal accompanying shot was fucking priceless, however.

    1. 102415

      I loved that magazine until they made fun of the Union Square Green Market. I still have my Hillary and the Whip copy though.

    1. YasserArraFeck

      Dear Bristol – my boyfriend says that if we do it in the butt, it's not sex and I'm still a virgin. He says he'd much rather do it the reg'lar way, but he's only doin' in my butt 'cause he's concerned about my reputation, seein' as how we're gonna get married, an all, as soon as he gets the ankle bracelet off and he can leave the trailer. I'm so confused.
      Signed: Confused

      Dear Confused – your man is right on – doing it in the butt is A-OK. In fact, ever since I became a virgin again, I only take it in the back door, thus preserving my status as "America's (re)Virgin" (TM). Remember, our Lord Jesus, when he created woman, gave us three holes to play with, but only one of them is, like, you know, a sin. The others are good to go. Like that wise man Meatloaf once said: "Two out of three ain't bad"……

  28. Zombie_Reagan

    Wait, they do know that Booker T. Washington is black, right? That fact can't be popular with their readers.

  29. fartknocker

    At Christmas will they be selling pop-up Christmas cards that sing pat-re-otic Toby Keith songs? Maybe the Grandpa and Grandma Teabaggers in Tennessee who sang a sweet serenade about Tundra Twat will sing background vocals with Toby.

    To control costs the magazine will be printed in China or Mexico.

  30. JoshuaNorton

    Tea Party Review’s team of writers, artists, and editors reflect the diversity of the movement

    So technically, all those jobs could be filled by the same white pot-bellied old guy on a Rascal scooter. (and probably are.)

    And one intern to run out to KFC at lunch time for a dozen Double Downs.

    1. Serolf_Divad

      I promise you, this is a vanity project by some lunatic right-wing gazillionaire with more money to burn than God.

  31. Fare la Volpe

    including individuals from all over the country incorporating a wide variety of backgrounds

    From the borders of Kentucky to the tip of Tennessee, from the upperest of middle class to the lowest of the rich, from the whitest of the sheets to the darkest of the milk, truly the Tea Party reflects the great diversity that is our US MURiKA.

  32. Weenus299

    One choice to "In what area do believe deficit-spending cuts and taxes should be cut?" found on that Fuck-a-zine's Web site:

    "Permanently extend all Bush-era tax cuts for the middle class as well as wealthier Americans."

    WTF? This even makes stupid look good.

  33. 102415

    All they need to sell is just one issue. The crazy Muslims at the corner store will be selling it you bet. They sold the Sarah Palin magazine. Both copies.
    That reminds me how many Muslims belong to the Tea party?

  34. portermelmoth

    I'm sure they'll have a dandy film review section.

    Suggestions for Commiewood to supply as fair and balanced options for the masses in need:

    'Who Is John Galt? I Mean Really?' – the miniseries
    'Bob Jones In Love' with Gary Crosby
    'Oral Roberts' Fixation'
    'The Annunciation' – when Glenn found Him

    Of course The Review will spearhead a movement for the creation of a righteous studio complex to be commissioned and built in good & proper tea bagged territory.

  35. mavenmaven

    The cover has grammatical wonders on it, clearly addressed to the sign makers of the tea party:

    "a physician on obamacare and what to do about it"

  36. mumbly_joe

    Oh dear god, are they actually trying to take credit for Booker T Washington?

    I mean, I guess they have a point- after all, Washington, too, was criticized by the NAACP. Granted, in Washington's case, it was for not making the case for civil rights vocally enough*, whereas in the Tea Party's case, it's for being a bunch of racist fuckheads. But other than that, they're practically an identity!

    *Incidentally, history is sort of on the NAACP's side there. Half of Letter from a Burmingham Jail, written 60 years of segregation later, is basically King outlining the case against the "go slow" approach.

  37. MistaEko

    Tea Partiers like Booker T because he was the only figure in black history to endorse "separate but equal" and "have the black community pull itself up by its bootstraps" because it was either that or face down mobs who wouldn't stand for his goal of educating the negroes.

    Tocqueville's new-world boner will get 7 kinds of misquoted and his "churn of wealth" observations (old style estate taxes) will be brushed politely under the rug.

    And Red China hasn't been used since "We Didn't Start The Fire", and even then it was a reflection on a very very old term.

    1. problemwithcaring

      Washington was rebuked about 80 years ago, by DuBois, the creation of the NAACP and every other Black activist in America since… who in the hell are they attempting to win over with an article on him?

      Next they will profile The Honorable Elijah Mohammad.

  38. GOPCrusher

    Will Alan Keyes write an op-ed on how the Democratic Party is taking advantage of the Darkies ™, as an example of Tea Bagger diversity?

  39. jim89048

    I'd rather run the gauntlet of card-flappers on the Vegas Strip and read their products than whatever this thing is.

  40. JackObin

    I understand the first issue has a connect-the-dots puzzle of Pugsly Limbaugh fallating Clarence Thomas.

  41. ttommyunger

    They just can't take their eyes off the rear-view mirror: a new magazine offering in the online era. Great thinking, gang!

  42. ShaveTheWhales

    These people should simply burn in hell for putting "Power to the People" on the cover of this piece of dreck.

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