Does that special someone in your life (unwanted grandparent in the Midwest) need a fun new magazine subscription to go along with Reader’s Digest Large Print Edition and that weird brochure from NewsMax? Well get your checkbook ready because TEA PARTY REVIEW is gonna drop at CPAC, sneetches, and it’s packed with flava such as some old wire photo of Sarah Palin speaking at that thing last year, and a hawt new feature called “Meeting the Editor,” and some otha stuff, nobody really knows … oh wait, we mean, “and even a comic strip about a Tea Party congressman dealing with the Red Chinese.” Man this is better than any dang old free subway paper full of horror-scopes and those Armenian sisters for $40 on that faggy iPad, no?
Somebody emailed us a press release from this thing for some reason:
“There’s a profile of the first Tea Partiers elected to statewide office, a look at key figures in history such as Alexis de Tocqueville and Booker T. Washington, and even a comic strip about a Tea Party congressman dealing with the Red Chinese,” Pierson noted.
The “Tea Party Review’s team of writers, artists, and editors reflect the diversity of the movement, including individuals from all over the country incorporating a wide variety of backgrounds. The magazine includes people who’ve never contributed before to a national magazine, along with people who have written for major publications like the Chicago Defender and The New York Times.”
Yeah, who is that black person Tea Partiers can mention? Booker T. and his famous peanut butter! Also let’s give it up for the Chicago Defender, whatever that is …
Here is Cee-Lo and Prince doing “Crazy” last night in New York, to cleanse the palate:
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Is this being published by the National Enquirer?
No. They have standards.
Spoiler alert! Guess who is named their "Person of the Year?"
Booker Tocqueville Washington?
John Galt?
Captain Jean-Luc Picard? He loves tea.
Man, don't even get the Tea Party started on how socialist TNG was. I'm serious.
(Disclaimer: It really was totally socialist.)
"You"?
They were gonna do that until they found out how much the shiny foil cover costs.
"I'm you."
Pee Wee Herman?
Herman Melville?
Peter Noone?
An inanimate carbon rod, somehow still smarter than 80% of their readership?
Il Dulce?
Jack London?
Earl Grey?
Tom Kruse, inventor of the Hoveround?
I'd tell you, but I don't wanna get sued for trademark infringement.
David Duke?
Zombie Raygun, obvs.
Red Chinese? What is this, 1955? Oh, yeah, I guess so.
Given the whole "it's not rape if you don't get cut", "let's send children into coal mines again, that worked out well right?', "black people in charge, what is the world coming to" direction the republicans are taking us, I'm going with 1855.
Ah, 1955. Basking in the glow of the Red Scare and Jim Crow.
And having the bitches whip us up a nice dinner. On the table at 6. Or stand the fuck by….
I for one can't wait to see how these patriots who so value diversity, draw the Chinese in caricature.
Red Chinese: "Me so solly"
Teabaggers: "Dey tuk ar jerbs!"
It's amazing how the Tea Party'ers just take those old tropes and use them like it hasn't been 30-50 years since they meant anything.
It's like, if something was used in the conservative narrative at any time it's still valid to them, no matter how long it's been or how many times its been contradicted by other pieces of the conservative narrative.
Maybe they're so ignorant of reality because they use their entire brain to remember every conservative enemy/grievance since WWII.
It's not just the T-tards, unfortunately. Lots of "liberals" are full of Yellow Peril paranoia about post-communist China.
Well, we will surely do better in Viet Nam this time.
YES! I needed somthing to line my bird cage!
If the Tea Party has it's way, no fish will go unwrapped! For freedom!
Always Review your TP before wiping your bunghole. Also.
Watch your back, New Yorker.
Move on over, NAMbLA Monthly.
Prepare yourself, Charmin Ultra.
This is the LAST thing my crazy relatives and in-laws need. It's challenging enough for them to try and keep all of their Glenn Beck quotes straight. Now someone expects them to READ?!?
Imagine all those lips moving, all over the nation…
Imagine the crossword clues.
I'm gonna get it for the "Goofus and Reagan" cartoons.
Goofus and Doofus?
and even a comic strip about a Tea Party congressman dealing with the Red Chinese.”
Sounds worse that Mallard Fillmore, if that's possible.
And they said print media was dying!
Who the fuck still uses the phrase "Red Chinese"? I thought that was retired in 1972; maybe this Pierson dude thinks Chiang Kai-shek will rise from the grave.
Rush Limbaugh still says Chicom. Like, every day. Apparently there's a whole demographic out there that thinks of Major Frank Burns as a war hero.
Ah, so the people who think the racist old ching-chong Chinaman voice is acceptable; got it.
You'd think they'd understand: China is still a totalitarian dictatorship, just not a dictatorship of the proletariat. Let's see, who are the other dictator candidates again…oh yeah, business guys. These are your peeps, Teabaggers! And if you're done using that tolulene, just dump it in the river — it'll be somebody downsteam's problem. And if your workers get injured welding structural steel 40 floors up at 11:00 PM, there's plenty more where they came from.
And the government tells women what they can do with their own wombs, and what religions they are allowed to worship. Truly, modern China is a wingnut paradise.
This is literally what they want, except they imagine themselves the oppressors, not the oppressed.
They're just so cute!
I thought they had at least settled on ChiComs (which is infinitely funnier).
See? This is their Big Tent!
You can use all kinds of different terms to refer to exactly the same talking points!
My MIL used the term Oriental and a really offensive old-timey AA slur until the day she died. Made me want to slap her upside the head. I was with her once when she asked a white couple where they got their Oriental baby. She had money to burn and retired to FL w/ her second husband. Pretty sure she voted for Buchanan — on purpose. She'd have been a Teabagger, but wouldn't have bucked up for a magazine subscription.
Oh, yeah, she said Chinaman, too.
I wonder which will have more pages; this magazine or Bristol's autobiography.
I wonder if she has an editor that can put "unh… unh… harder! deeper!" into readable format.
Doesn't count if they're pop-up.
It did for Bristol…
Everybody knows Booker T wrote "Time Is Tight". Peanut-butter was some other dude.
Everyone knows that green onions go good on a peanut butter sandwich.
with an icy heineken. Oh brother, that is livin large, I'm telling you.
It's peanut butter jelly time.Peanutbutterjelly peanutbutterjelly. There you go.
His name was Skippy, I think.
Pea-nut, pea-nut butter
I like peanut butter, creamy peanut butter
Crunchy peanut butter too!
Wasn't he the FIVE TIME, FIVE TIME FIVE TIME FIVE TIME FIVE FREAKIN' TIME world champion?
Cee-Lo used to write for the Chicago Defender? (Are they crazy?)
Tea Party diversity: white, pinkish, ivory and milky–the whole rainbow!
Don't forget the nauseating yellow of belly fat.
how can you forget the red necks?
Nicotine Orange and Congestive Heart Failure Gray are acceptable too.
And the whole intellectual gamut – from stoopid to stoopider
I heard a couple actually prefer Doritos to Cheetos, and there's one guy that likes Bud Lite better than PBR! Wow, what diversity!
Don't forget token.
The only brown they accept are those with soiled depends.
Liver-spots = DIVERSITY!
The only way this could be better is if they had a Hawt Ladeez of the Tea Party centerfold, for the fapping.
Uh..Balder, have you seen some of them teabaggin' laydeez? T'aint a set a teeth betwixt em'. And they's old and fat…
Yeah, these are people who find Sarah Palin attractive; their beauty standards are suspect.
Sheesh. This is the one message board that I thought that I would never, ever have to explain the concept of irony.
Okay, you got Michele, Sarah, and they're both a bit saggy after all they babbys. Who's next?
Can't really see that feature running too many issues.
Theyz gotz Xstine and her infamous undergrowth, too!
Q. How can you tell O'Donnell's broom from the other witches?
A. It's the one with the sanded-smooth handle from her steel-woolish crotch hairs.
I can't see this ISSUE running too many issues.
…from Transexual, Transylvania!
~
Good choice of Booker T. over DuBois…..
… and that famous "man of the people," the aristocrat Alexis.
Plus, French, too, also.
that cracked me up too
The “Tea Party Review’s team of writers, artists, and editors reflect the diversity of the movement…
You mean they have people of northern European and western European descent?
They let people in regardless of whether they're Protestant or Catholic.
They have both kinds of music, country and western.
"…Tea Party Review’s team of [...] reflectS the diversity of the movement," but no basic familiarity with subject-verb agreement.
Ease up there, Writey… they are American patriots, not magazine edito… oh.
They don't care if you fingers are stained from Doritos or Cheetos.
No, they will have Nazi, Fascists *and* Identity Xtns!
I'll look for this wherever I pick up my latest copy of "The Watchtower."
Now this IS "lame stream media".
Also: don't knock the Armenians. They are America's greatest treasure. Kirk Kekorian, who had the ice-sculpture replica of Michaelangelo's David pissing vodka at his birthday party; Dr. Death, Jack Kevorkian; & beatific CBS sideline reporter Armen Keteyian. &, course, the Kardashian sisters.
And Atom Egoyan, for those depressing movies.
But I like Ana Kasparian of the Young Turks.
Thanks! It's about time we got some respect.
Not to forget the lovely Armenian lady who threads my eyebrows, you have to love that beauty procedure and only those from a truly hairy ethnic background can do it properly.
All I know about Armenians is don't order Turkish coffee at an Armenian restaurant, fast speech and gesturing will ensue.
Yay! The country faces such a dirth, a deficit if you will, of crackpot, wingnut "news" sources! And the tundratwit does not get nearly enough publicity. This is very needed.
Coverage from dirth to beath.
As someone who spent his working life in printing and publishing before being laid-off (and with the employment for my vocation almost nonexistent) I have to applaud any new print publication, however ridiculous. Most new magazines last 18 months on average, even free ones. May the entire teatard movement crash along with it!
I assume one can make $$$ by selling this new magazine door-to-door, like GRIT.
It's a shame, isn't it? Nothing like crisp type and hi-rez photos on good coated stock. Computer screens have got a long way to go before they hit that level of resolution and legibility.
As another veteran of printing and publishing (currently unemployed, retired or consulting, depending on who is asking) I am in favor of anyone who want to pay money to print words and images on paper even if they aren't worth reading or even looking at.
I like the feature: Where are they Now? Next month's focus: Jim Crow.
And Joe McCarthy in April. They're saving Bunker Hunt and his brother for the Silver Anniversary issue.
July: Remember Sarah Palin?
We could only dream.
Can't wait til the swimsuit issue. I hear that Phyllis Schyalafaaleflafly is gonna provide some good old fashion American cheesecake in that one.
This is gonna be like the Oprah magazine — Sarah on the cover every month.
S
Alternating with Michelle Bachman.
Will they have a feature "Teabagger of the month" article?
Not sure, but the "Diarrhea of the Mouth" feature honors should go to Glenn. Every time.
with accompanying photo spread
Needs moar Norman Rockwell cover art.
NormanGeorge LincolnBut are they going to have hook-up ads in the back? Cuz who wouldn't like some 60-something, batshit crazy, scooter-ridin action?
I'm all up in that shit. Hover-round me long time.
If they're like most handyman magazines, they'll definitely have plenty of ads for various performance-enhancing methods.
Ads for Asian "wives"!
Coming soon to every doctor/dentist's waiting room in Wingnutistan.
I know one freedum loving dentist/lawer will have it her office.
I hope there's a food section.
"A Review of the New Montana Bacon Beef Anus Burger at Arby's: Reagan Would Eat It"
And recipes. Say, five easy meals you can make with cream-of-mushroom soup and lard.
Do they include a box of crayons or do I have to buy my own?
This is Capitalism. You need to steal a box of crayons from a somebody poorer than yourself or go without.
Nothing says grassroots like a glossy magazine telling people what to be angry about.
It's the angry imbecile's version of Real Simple ("Date-Night Clothes Under $100!")
Sarah please. No one believes that your penis is that long.
Really? I interpreted it as Sarah demonstrating just how hard her nipples get when she thinks about Reagan.
"Shady Pines Senior Care, Walmartville, TX":
Rumor spreadin' a-round in that Texas town
'bout that shack outside La Grange
and you know what I'm talkin' about
Just let me know
If you wanna go
A-HA-HA-HA-HA
Or something like that.
A substance almost, but not quite, entirely unlike journalism.
and a specil cee-lo shout out to TPR:
Fuck you!
And fuck her too!
Crayons not included.
The Cee-Lo (actual singing!) and Prince (actual playing!) duet almost got the wretched taste of the Super Bowl Halftime Show out of my mouth!
Thanks, Ken!
I was hoping more for a Prince version of "Lets Go Crazy".
Uh-oh let's go: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ij-jM8CcQIQ
Right. "Can I play this guitar?" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4QKajzKmyhw
I'd forgotten the doves or bats or whatever.
Jeez, an actual musician.
I was so sick of sifting through dozens of publications. Now all my tea parties are reviewed in one place.
So it's People for Fat Stupid Yet Politically But Not Physically Active People.
I greatly resemble that remark.
Love,
Newtie
So it's only home delivery; none of that "going to the store" stuff required?
Over on teapartyreview.org there's an intriguing feature story titled "Cor in Rup American Tion Politics", which i'm dying to know more about.
Ugh. Went to the site. Another wingnut intertube fail. The only thing that works on it is a poll asking these retards what they like to see cut from the budget to rein in the debt. And, of course, one the options is " Repeal Obamacare". As though the CBO never scored it to reduce the deficit. Ignorant fucks, thy name is Teaparty. Or, actually, it's the Koch Brothers.
You missed "What's Inside," featuring irony-free articles such as:
# ¨Why the Elite Media Hate Us
# ¨Glenn Beck vs. the Communist Party: A Tale of Two Rallies
# ¨The Left’s War on Science and Reason
# ¨How the Top Colleges Turn Kids into Stupid Leftists
# ¨The Tea Partiers vs. the Race Baiters
You can win great prizes, Olds, selling subscriptions at the Senior Center/Hoveround Charging Station!
Nice little address-label addition there, Ken.
Shady Pines, Ma!!
I'm not the biggest Prince fan out there, but that motherfucker knows how to swing an axe.
One of the most underrated guitarists.
Robert Smith from the Cure also plays a mean guitar underneath all that pouty make-up.
Two cases were the personas get in the way of music.
And how to make one weep.
Ya got that right. Holy mother of mercy!
My palate is now so clean you could eat off it.
And while his final note is still ringing in our ears, he throws his guitar straight up in the air and it never comes back down!
THAT is how you end a fucking solo, gunslingers!
[FUN FACT: George Harrison's wife didn't want Prince to perform the song because he supposedly wasn't very familiar with it (?!), and only learned the chords minutes before taking the stage.]
Can be done on ukelele, also.
That was a really beautiful little performance!
Seriously, though, thanks for the link.
Seeing him live is something everyone should experience.
His rendition of Purple Rain in concert will bring tears to your eyes.
On their website's forum is the following question:
How Do I Get Involved in My Local Tea Party?
Below the question is this text:
0 People would like this answered
I have nothing to add.
If their reporter doesn't get a White House press pass I will be very disappointed.
Jeff Gannon still probably has his old one kicking around.
Attention, marketers of Nazi regalia: Your vehicle has arrived.
Nothing says "Tea Party" like Alexis de Tocgueville.
Does Tea bagging involve penetration?
Not if you do it right. And by "right," I mean completely wrong.
I love this choice in the poll (of how to lower the national deficit) on its website:
"Permanently extend all Bush-era tax cuts for the middle class as well as wealthier Americans."
Yep, this is a REAL grassroots movement. Pay not mind to the Koch brother behind the curtain.
Someone should explain to them what "lower" means.
Well, when you cut off all other spending that doesn't include weapon procurement, it makes sense.
In fact, let's just not pay our military personnel anymore, if they truly loved America, like our Tea Bagging brethren, they would be willing to go kill foreigners for free!
Looks too glossy to be used as toilet paper. Shameful waste.
Tocqueville I get – he hated Arabs, too and believed blacks and "injuns" were mentally inferior to whites. But Booker T….?
He gave a speech in 1895 Atlanta that basically claimed if white people gave Blacks jobs and industrial training, they would (and should) stop clamoring for social and civil equality – including, interest in such "white pursuits" as a liberal arts education.
Of course, his stance of accommodating of white oppression won him a lot of support and funding from white southerns for his for universities and ultimately led to his position as defacto Jim Crow-era "spokesman of the Negro race." He, however, was at odds with Du Bois and many other Black and white intellectuals who, while recognizing the utility of Washington's posture with whites, felt such a strategy tacitly accepted the idea that Blacks were inferior (at least in the civic and social sphere.)
Check out Du Bois's essay "Of Mr. Booker T. Washington and Others"
I'd look at the pictures if it had Palin's famous camel toe.
But how to distinguish Tea Party Review from its competition?
Highlights for Children: Hidden Pictures® and challenging puzzles
Tea Party Review: Conspiracy theories®
Highlights for Children: Crafts that promote creativity
Tea Party Review: We let Chinese kids do our crafts for us, cheap.
Highlights for Children: Super fiction and nonfiction stories that encourage reading
Tea Party Review: Impossible to tell difference between fiction and nonfiction
Highlights for Children: Jokes and riddles just for fun
Tea Party Review: Jokes get elected
Highlights for Children: Exciting science experiments
Tea Party Review: Science is for elite smarty-pants
Highlights for Children: Drawings and poems from kids
Tea Party Review: Plagiarized drawings and poems from kids
WOW! What a big media week. First Arianna Saves Community Journalism, and now this. I Logged On to their Webpage, and thingies just kept a-slidin' by. Then I saw this note:
"Please be advised that Explore is not showing our webpage correctly. Use Firefox, Safari or Googlechrome. "
I do use the Googlechromes, but whatever.
It's not displaying in the Firefox either. They just suck at all technology save the Twittah. And that's because it's impossible to make any sense on the Twittahs. Hence, wingtards lurve it.
Looks just fine in Mosaic.
Sarah: "I once had an idea this big…"
Insanity Fair
I love that cover. Former Governor Dingbat looks like the wingnut version John Travolta in a white suit and disco fingers. And they're both teabaggers what a coincidence!
If it doesn't have an advertisement on the back cover telling me how I can make money and win prizes selling "Grit" I'll know it's not really the party organ.
The Tea Party Organ.
What is 'The Scrotum,' Alex!
I can't stop looking at the link and it's "What's inside" bullet points. It's funnier than Richard Pryor.
I guess Cindy Crawford may be too old for the powdered wig deal again.
Which reminds me: Anyone remember the cover of Spy Magazine with a photoshopped OJ in Continental Army Dress Uniform on the cover, after he was acquitted? The cover was one thing; the internal accompanying shot was fucking priceless, however.
http://anonymousbitches.blogsome.com/images/oj_sp…
I loved that magazine until they made fun of the Union Square Green Market. I still have my Hillary and the Whip copy though.
I thought it was called "The Daily?"
I'm sure the "Dear Bristol" advice column alone will be worth the price of the magazine.
Dear Bristol – my boyfriend says that if we do it in the butt, it's not sex and I'm still a virgin. He says he'd much rather do it the reg'lar way, but he's only doin' in my butt 'cause he's concerned about my reputation, seein' as how we're gonna get married, an all, as soon as he gets the ankle bracelet off and he can leave the trailer. I'm so confused.
Signed: Confused
Dear Confused – your man is right on – doing it in the butt is A-OK. In fact, ever since I became a virgin again, I only take it in the back door, thus preserving my status as "America's (re)Virgin" (TM). Remember, our Lord Jesus, when he created woman, gave us three holes to play with, but only one of them is, like, you know, a sin. The others are good to go. Like that wise man Meatloaf once said: "Two out of three ain't bad"……
Wait, they do know that Booker T. Washington is black, right? That fact can't be popular with their readers.
At Christmas will they be selling pop-up Christmas cards that sing pat-re-otic Toby Keith songs? Maybe the Grandpa and Grandma Teabaggers in Tennessee who sang a sweet serenade about Tundra Twat will sing background vocals with Toby.
http://wonkette.com/435444/sarah-palin-never-exis…
To control costs the magazine will be printed in China or Mexico.
That's Star-Bellied Sneetch, to you.
Tea Party Review’s team of writers, artists, and editors reflect the diversity of the movement
So technically, all those jobs could be filled by the same white pot-bellied old guy on a Rascal scooter. (and probably are.)
And one intern to run out to KFC at lunch time for a dozen Double Downs.
Now we know who the seat that Helen Thomas vacated at presidential press conferences and in the White House briefing room.
That's what the dying print industry needs. Another sinking ship.
I promise you, this is a vanity project by some lunatic right-wing gazillionaire with more money to burn than God.
including individuals from all over the country incorporating a wide variety of backgrounds
From the borders of Kentucky to the tip of Tennessee, from the upperest of middle class to the lowest of the rich, from the whitest of the sheets to the darkest of the milk, truly the Tea Party reflects the great diversity that is our US MURiKA.
Don't forget about the one black guy who somehow manages to appear in all the pictures.
The one in the tuxedo and white gloves?
I wanna know who "awarded" their winning photography.
One choice to "In what area do believe deficit-spending cuts and taxes should be cut?" found on that Fuck-a-zine's Web site:
"Permanently extend all Bush-era tax cuts for the middle class as well as wealthier Americans."
WTF? This even makes stupid look good.
I played Booker T. at all my parties.
All they need to sell is just one issue. The crazy Muslims at the corner store will be selling it you bet. They sold the Sarah Palin magazine. Both copies.
That reminds me how many Muslims belong to the Tea party?
Does "Award Winning Photography" include pictures of Brett Favre spanking the little viking?
This new retard manual will undoubtedly be one of the Highlights of our day.
Are they going to have a conservative MILF swimsuit issue?
I'm sure they'll have a dandy film review section.
Suggestions for Commiewood to supply as fair and balanced options for the masses in need:
'Who Is John Galt? I Mean Really?' – the miniseries
'Bob Jones In Love' with Gary Crosby
'Oral Roberts' Fixation'
'The Annunciation' – when Glenn found Him
Of course The Review will spearhead a movement for the creation of a righteous studio complex to be commissioned and built in good & proper tea bagged territory.
Power to the Sheeple, right on.
The pages had better be nice and soft.
THIS…IS….THE XFL !!!!!
The Tea Party will celebrate Uncle Tom in honor of Black History Month!
The cover has grammatical wonders on it, clearly addressed to the sign makers of the tea party:
"a physician on obamacare and what to do about it"
Writer and tea party is an oxyMORON.
Oh dear god, are they actually trying to take credit for Booker T Washington?
I mean, I guess they have a point- after all, Washington, too, was criticized by the NAACP. Granted, in Washington's case, it was for not making the case for civil rights vocally enough*, whereas in the Tea Party's case, it's for being a bunch of racist fuckheads. But other than that, they're practically an identity!
*Incidentally, history is sort of on the NAACP's side there. Half of Letter from a Burmingham Jail, written 60 years of segregation later, is basically King outlining the case against the "go slow" approach.
Tea Party Review = TPR.
Toilet Paper Roll? I think so.
Will it be made out of chalk boards?
Scott Brown profile/centerfold? Or is his name Mudd?
Tea Partiers like Booker T because he was the only figure in black history to endorse "separate but equal" and "have the black community pull itself up by its bootstraps" because it was either that or face down mobs who wouldn't stand for his goal of educating the negroes.
Tocqueville's new-world boner will get 7 kinds of misquoted and his "churn of wealth" observations (old style estate taxes) will be brushed politely under the rug.
And Red China hasn't been used since "We Didn't Start The Fire", and even then it was a reflection on a very very old term.
I think "Mongol Horde" has been used more recently than Red China.
Washington was rebuked about 80 years ago, by DuBois, the creation of the NAACP and every other Black activist in America since…..so who in the hell are they attempting to win over with an article on him?
Next they will profile The Honorable Elijah Mohammad.
It's Tiger Beat for old people!
I thought that the Philadelphia Trumpet already had that market cornered?
Will Alan Keyes write an op-ed on how the Democratic Party is taking advantage of the Darkies ™, as an example of Tea Bagger diversity?
I'd rather run the gauntlet of card-flappers on the Vegas Strip and read their products than whatever this thing is.
I understand the first issue has a connect-the-dots puzzle of Pugsly Limbaugh fallating Clarence Thomas.
Or vice-versa.
Booker T was the best thing about WCW right before it was bought by the WWF ten years ago.
"a Tea Party congressman dealing with the Red Chinese,”
At a "happy" bath house, I'm sure.
Power to the People??? Lennon would be proud.
Meeting the Editor…Is she The One with The Degree in Journalism?
They just can't take their eyes off the rear-view mirror: a new magazine offering in the online era. Great thinking, gang!
These people should simply burn in hell for putting "Power to the People" on the cover of this piece of dreck.
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