'we begin bombing in five minutes'

FEMA/Homeland Security Making New Presidential Emergency Announcements

Hooray, the good people at FEMA and Homeland Security have recorded a bunch of terrible doom announcements by Barack Obama, for when we have an Egyptian-style revolt. Luckily, these will never be used, because the only thing “Egyptian-style” Americans might like is, maybe, a new kind of “Egyptian-style Anusburger Lover’s Super Bowl Special” from Dominoes, which will be a 57,000-calorie pizza-cake topped with two dozen Quarter Pounder/McRib combo burritos wrapped in Olive Garden bread stix and drizzled with corn syrup, nacho “cheese sauce” and hen semen:

Federal Radio 1500 reports:

“The primary goal is to provide the President with a mechanism to communicate with the American public during times of national emergency,” said Fowlkes. The change, she said, is that prior to last week’s order there was no rule in place to call for or allow a test from top to bottom.

Fowlkes said, “There’s never been a test from top to bottom where it’s issued by FEMA and it goes straight down to all the different levels of EAS to the American public. So this is a way for us to glean, okay, if there were an actual emergency and the federal government needed to activate the Presidential EAS, making sure that it actually works the way it’s designed to.”

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Great, sure, whatever. [Federal Radio 1500 via Cryptogon]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

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44 comments

    1. zhubajie

      masturbating roosters, tom turkeys, boars, bulls, etc., is one of those jobs only Messicans will do!

  1. donner_froh

    That “Egyptian-style Anusburger Lover’s Super Bowl Special” sounds yummy. I'll take two with a vat of sour cream and a diet coke. Send a forklift to move me off the couch as well.

  2. Come here a minute

    Last night John Bolton and I were talking about this amateurish communication and he agreed that a better solution would be to bomb Iran.

  3. SorosBot

    But I thought in the event of a national emergency, the President was supposed to stare blankly into space, then resume reading to children, and spend the rest of the day silently flying around the country in Air Force One, cowing in fear because he might be a target.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Well, that's what's in the Constitution, but we all know Obama is going to wipe his ass with that.

  4. SmutBoffin

    Can we listen to the recording in which Barry orders us all into the 'containment camps'?

    (And jeez, leave it to Ken to interrupt a throw-away post about lame gov't preparedness initiatives with commentary on American dietary habits.

    That 'hen semen' bit was unexpected and funny, though.)

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Yes, the incessant, shrill hand-wringing about our awful dietary habits is fine – as long as it keeps bringing us more comic terms like "anusburger," "lightly salted poison rat dicks," and "Hen semen."

  5. charlesdegoal

    I'm reassured: FEMA has a splendid record in terms of communications and emergency measures. Heckofajob Guy (which I assume to be Fowlkes first name).

  6. freakishlywrong

    That FEMA guy. Obsessed with tops and bottoms.. During a National Emergency, we will not be needing THAT type of instruction, Fowlkes. Talk about Soshiliszm!!1

  7. Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

    Great, not only do I have to deal with labyrinthine pre-recorded bullshit when I need to do business with my bank or my phone company or my vodka of the week club, now I also have to navigate the same hideous counter-intuitive menu system designed by Rube Goldberg, M. C. Escher and Hitler in order to find out how to escape the giant interdimensional space-fleas or whatever disasters they're preparing this for. Thank you very much, Barry.

    1. V572625694

      Your call is important* to us!
      _______
      *not so important that we'd hire enough drones to answer it immediately, but still: we bought this machine.

  8. EatsBabyDingos

    I hope each message ends with a statement that says "

    You have been warned and now imply your consent to the alien butt probes."

  9. harry_palmer

    “The primary goal is to provide the President with a mechanism to communicate with the American public during times of national emergency,” because nothing communicates trust better than a canned announcement from Barry while he nips off to Kenya.

  10. PabaBritannica

    So what are these announcements going to look and sound like once President Ron Paul takes over?

  11. Come here a minute

    I fear this plan is being instigated by FLOTUS Michelle Obama in preparation for the big announcement, "America, we are taking away your anus burgers!"

    Egyptian-style revolt ensues.

  12. SayItWithWookies

    The best one is when Oprah tells you to look under your seat and you find a huge bolt of plastic sheeting and two rolls of duct tape. "You're all going to the apocalypse!"

  13. V572625694

    Think of the prank phone calls someone could make if they got a hold of those tapes!

    "This is President Obama speaking. I want you to know that the airborne toxic event is under control, and evacuation measures are being implemented as I speak…"

  14. LionelHutzEsq

    I assume that this is just Obama doing the call to prayer, and then an arrow coming on my TV telling me which way is Mecca and to get down on my knees, right?

  15. MadBrahms

    This makes me so nostalgic for those tornado / air-raid sirens that always used to go off during lunch on Wednesdays… ah, simpler times. Fear was much easier to understand when it wasn't color-coded.

    1. transfatz

      When I was a kid we knew what to do. We got under our desks, put our heads between our knees and kissed our asses goodbye. Since I can't perform this contortion anymore without latching up in this position, I guess I'll have to use a camera and kiss the screen.

  16. Snarkfest

    I KNEW it! Turns out Alex Jones is RIGHT!

    The idea is to hijack (In addition to your cell phone) broadband and the internet for emergency alerting propaganda with the “Commercial Mobile Alert System (CMAS) being developed by FEMA and the wireless industry,” according to Lisa Fowlkes, deputy chief of the Public Safety and Homeland Security Bureau of the FCC.

    And the Egyptians thought having text messages sent to them was a bad bad thing.

Comments are closed.