'WE BEGIN BOMBING IN FIVE MINUTES'  11:52 am February 8, 2011

FEMA/Homeland Security Making New Presidential Emergency Announcements

by Ken Layne

Hooray, the good people at FEMA and Homeland Security have recorded a bunch of terrible doom announcements by Barack Obama, for when we have an Egyptian-style revolt. Luckily, these will never be used, because the only thing “Egyptian-style” Americans might like is, maybe, a new kind of “Egyptian-style Anusburger Lover’s Super Bowl Special” from Dominoes, which will be a 57,000-calorie pizza-cake topped with two dozen Quarter Pounder/McRib combo burritos wrapped in Olive Garden bread stix and drizzled with corn syrup, nacho “cheese sauce” and hen semen:

Federal Radio 1500 reports:

“The primary goal is to provide the President with a mechanism to communicate with the American public during times of national emergency,” said Fowlkes. The change, she said, is that prior to last week’s order there was no rule in place to call for or allow a test from top to bottom.

Fowlkes said, “There’s never been a test from top to bottom where it’s issued by FEMA and it goes straight down to all the different levels of EAS to the American public. So this is a way for us to glean, okay, if there were an actual emergency and the federal government needed to activate the Presidential EAS, making sure that it actually works the way it’s designed to.”

Great, sure, whatever. [Federal Radio 1500 via Cryptogon]

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Barbara_i February 8, 2011 at 11:55 am

Hen semen? Is this our Spunk-nit moment?

BaldarTFlagass February 8, 2011 at 12:13 pm

It's for fertilizing the rooster eggs.

Crank_Tango February 8, 2011 at 12:18 pm

keep fucking that chicken!

ShaveTheWhales February 9, 2011 at 1:30 am


zhubajie February 8, 2011 at 9:04 pm

masturbating roosters, tom turkeys, boars, bulls, etc., is one of those jobs only Messicans will do!

donner_froh February 8, 2011 at 11:56 am

That “Egyptian-style Anusburger Lover’s Super Bowl Special” sounds yummy. I'll take two with a vat of sour cream and a diet coke. Send a forklift to move me off the couch as well.

ifthethunderdontgetya February 8, 2011 at 11:56 am
Come here a minute February 8, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Last night John Bolton and I were talking about this amateurish communication and he agreed that a better solution would be to bomb Iran.

SmutBoffin February 8, 2011 at 12:06 pm


SorosBot February 8, 2011 at 12:01 pm

But I thought in the event of a national emergency, the President was supposed to stare blankly into space, then resume reading to children, and spend the rest of the day silently flying around the country in Air Force One, cowing in fear because he might be a target.

BaldarTFlagass February 8, 2011 at 12:05 pm

Well, that's what's in the Constitution, but we all know Obama is going to wipe his ass with that.

JustPixelz February 8, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Bush got that 9am call and it went right to his answering machine.

chascates February 8, 2011 at 12:04 pm

Here it comes:
Obama administration records instructions for planned takeover by Socialist Muslims

not that Dewey February 8, 2011 at 1:10 pm

All they've got so far is

Obama Launches Total Takeover of Media


Tools for tyrants: Obama wants some too!

But I'm sure they're working on it.

SmutBoffin February 8, 2011 at 12:05 pm

Can we listen to the recording in which Barry orders us all into the 'containment camps'?

(And jeez, leave it to Ken to interrupt a throw-away post about lame gov't preparedness initiatives with commentary on American dietary habits.

That 'hen semen' bit was unexpected and funny, though.)

Lascauxcaveman February 8, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Yes, the incessant, shrill hand-wringing about our awful dietary habits is fine – as long as it keeps bringing us more comic terms like "anusburger," "lightly salted poison rat dicks," and "Hen semen."

Ken Layne February 8, 2011 at 2:29 pm

It's all that separates me from Michelle Obama … that and the money and the power and the hot ass.

ifthethunderdontgetya February 8, 2011 at 3:08 pm

Did Michelle just go from 97 to 98 p-ness?

I think not!

WTG, Ken.

LionelHutzEsq February 9, 2011 at 1:43 am

But Michelle did use the phrase "Hen Semen" yesterday. So there is that.

zhubajie February 8, 2011 at 9:05 pm

Surely "anusburgers" are sausages?

Troubledog February 8, 2011 at 12:06 pm

How are you gentlemen
All your base are belong to us
You have no chance to survive make your time

friendlyskies February 8, 2011 at 12:07 pm

FEMA Rape Camps now have a soundtrack? This changes everything.

Crank_Tango February 8, 2011 at 12:19 pm

too much autotune tho.

nounverb911 February 8, 2011 at 12:08 pm

Isn't that what Conelrad is for?

charlesdegoal February 8, 2011 at 12:09 pm

I'm reassured: FEMA has a splendid record in terms of communications and emergency measures. Heckofajob Guy (which I assume to be Fowlkes first name).

freakishlywrong February 8, 2011 at 12:13 pm

That FEMA guy. Obsessed with tops and bottoms.. During a National Emergency, we will not be needing THAT type of instruction, Fowlkes. Talk about Soshiliszm!!1

WriteyWriterton February 8, 2011 at 12:25 pm

"Federal Radio 1500"? Frequency or year A.D.?

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] February 8, 2011 at 12:27 pm

Great, not only do I have to deal with labyrinthine pre-recorded bullshit when I need to do business with my bank or my phone company or my vodka of the week club, now I also have to navigate the same hideous counter-intuitive menu system designed by Rube Goldberg, M. C. Escher and Hitler in order to find out how to escape the giant interdimensional space-fleas or whatever disasters they're preparing this for. Thank you very much, Barry.

V572625694 February 8, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Your call is important* to us!
*not so important that we'd hire enough drones to answer it immediately, but still: we bought this machine.

EatsBabyDingos February 8, 2011 at 12:30 pm

I hope each message ends with a statement that says "

You have been warned and now imply your consent to the alien butt probes."

harry_palmer February 8, 2011 at 12:30 pm

“The primary goal is to provide the President with a mechanism to communicate with the American public during times of national emergency,” because nothing communicates trust better than a canned announcement from Barry while he nips off to Kenya.

PabaBritannica February 8, 2011 at 12:33 pm

So what are these announcements going to look and sound like once President Ron Paul takes over?

zhubajie February 8, 2011 at 9:09 pm

Your typical old-fashioned S. Baptist tent revival preacher!

transfatz February 9, 2011 at 4:43 am

They're going to be Goldline commercials.

WriteyWriterton February 8, 2011 at 12:34 pm

"“There’s never been a test from top to bottom…" Well, now, I wouldn't say that.

Come here a minute February 8, 2011 at 12:34 pm

I fear this plan is being instigated by FLOTUS Michelle Obama in preparation for the big announcement, "America, we are taking away your anus burgers!"

Egyptian-style revolt ensues.

SayItWithWookies February 8, 2011 at 12:54 pm

The best one is when Oprah tells you to look under your seat and you find a huge bolt of plastic sheeting and two rolls of duct tape. "You're all going to the apocalypse!"

BornInATrailer February 8, 2011 at 3:12 pm

"You get an iodine pill! You get an iodine pill!!"

V572625694 February 8, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Think of the prank phone calls someone could make if they got a hold of those tapes!

"This is President Obama speaking. I want you to know that the airborne toxic event is under control, and evacuation measures are being implemented as I speak…"

LionelHutzEsq February 8, 2011 at 2:19 pm

I assume that this is just Obama doing the call to prayer, and then an arrow coming on my TV telling me which way is Mecca and to get down on my knees, right?

MadBrahms February 8, 2011 at 3:07 pm

This makes me so nostalgic for those tornado / air-raid sirens that always used to go off during lunch on Wednesdays… ah, simpler times. Fear was much easier to understand when it wasn't color-coded.

transfatz February 9, 2011 at 1:55 am

When I was a kid we knew what to do. We got under our desks, put our heads between our knees and kissed our asses goodbye. Since I can't perform this contortion anymore without latching up in this position, I guess I'll have to use a camera and kiss the screen.

Snarkfest February 8, 2011 at 9:50 pm

I KNEW it! Turns out Alex Jones is RIGHT!

The idea is to hijack (In addition to your cell phone) broadband and the internet for emergency alerting propaganda with the “Commercial Mobile Alert System (CMAS) being developed by FEMA and the wireless industry,” according to Lisa Fowlkes, deputy chief of the Public Safety and Homeland Security Bureau of the FCC.

And the Egyptians thought having text messages sent to them was a bad bad thing.

transfatz February 9, 2011 at 4:45 am

Let me be clear. God bless you all, you're on your own, goodnight.

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