randing

Rand Paul Being Mean To Henry Clay Made McConnell Walk Off Senate Floor

Everyone wants to piss farther than the salvery guys. Men, amiright?Last week, America’s back-alley ophthalmologist senator, Rand Paul, delivered his first speech on the Senate floor. It wasn’t about freedom. It wasn’t about disgusting eye diseases. It was about himself. Paul contrasted himself with famous historyman Henry Clay. According to Rand, he will not make compromises ever, because when Henry Clay did, SLAVERY kept happening each time. The darndest thing, huh? “One could argue that he rose above sectional strife to carve out compromise after compromise trying to ward off civil war,” Paul said. “Or one could argue that his compromises were morally wrong and may have even encouraged war, that his compromises meant the acceptance, during his 50 years of public life, of not only slavery, but the slave trade itself.” This all upset the Turtle of the Senate, Mitch McConnell, a Clay fanboy, who ran off the Senate floor to go cry or whatever.

But it’s well-known that McConnell considers Clay one of his role models and closely adheres to the rules and traditions of the Senate.

McConnell hung a portrait of Clay in his Capitol office shortly after moving in and wrote his college thesis on Clay and the Compromise of 1850.

Mitch McConnell ran to his office, wrapped himself in his Henry Clay blanket, put his “Best of Henry Clay” CD in his Walkman, and buried his face in his Henry Clay plush doll.

Anyway, Dana Milbank says some historian says Henry Clay saved the Union by letting slavery happen another ten years or so, when it could be defeated. And George Washington owned slaves too, so it must be okay. Sure, Dana Milbank.

Sponsored Video

In related news, Slaveowners and Nazis still make the best analogies for things you don’t want to do. “I’m not going to take a shower. You know who cleaned themselves sometimes? Slaveowners. You know who used showers to kill people? Nazis.” Et cetera. [The Hill]

Related

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

140 comments

        1. ShaveTheWhales

          You know, I took four years of German in HS, and I can still sing a couple verses of Du, Du. The wonders of repetition.

          Oh and infinite choruses of Ja, Ja, Ja, Ja.

    1. glamourdammerung

      Eisenhower doing that very thing lead to the Geneva Conventions being updated to make arbitrary classifications of prisoners of war to get around the Geneva Conventions illegal (instead of POWs they called them something like "enemy combatants").

    2. Numbat_Dundee

      "Y'all were happier back in Dixie workin' in the cottom fields singing them German spirituals, Silent Night and the one about how your overalls were better than anyone else's."

  1. Hera Sent Me

    Rand thinks he's something special for being an obstructionist, self-righteous Republican senator?

    That's like the rest of us thinking we're all that for having opposible thumbs.

    1. Serolf_Divad

      Looks like he's going to follow in his old man's footsteps and try to appear "principled" by voting "no" on every piece of legislation that comes to the floor (but still lard up appropriations bills he knows will pass anyway with pork for his state).

  2. Serolf_Divad

    Mitch will be releasing a YouTube video shortly in which he drapes himself in his Hencry Clay blanket and screams a teary eyed tirade at the bastards who won't "LEAVE CLAY ALONE!!!!"

  3. ifthethunderdontgetya

    This all upset the Turtle of the Senate, Mitch McConnell, a Clay fanboy, who ran off the Senate floor to go cry or whatever.

    So he didn't seek sweet solace in the embrace of Senator Grahamcracker?

    P.S. Nice blingee, alt-text needs fixin'. Unless Rand is really, really against 'salvery', which I suppose is possible.
    ~

    1. SayItWithWookies

      No, Henry Clay = Neville Chamberlain. Which makes Rand Paul, who promotes the states' rights values of John C. Calhoun, equal to — um…

  4. MittsHairHelmet

    A thesis on "Clay and the Compromise of 1850" in college is about as original as a "What I Did on My Summer Vacation" thesis in 5th grade.

  5. x111e7thst

    Many Repug Senators have spent many happy hours daydreaming about being the slaves of beautiful boys in SS uniform.

        1. baconzgood

          "Clay, Sr. and Clay, Jr. both got soused in the same pen during rutting season. Clay, Jr. killed his father in a drunken brawl over a female."

          I offically take back 3 mean things I've said about Tex-ass in the last month.

          1. BaldarTFlagass

            Regrettably, like all good things, this came to an end a couple years ago. Some Houston millionaire bought the whole town back 8 or 10 years ago and fucked it up to a fare-thee-well. Now it's a ghost town.

  6. PocketsTheClown

    Paultards keepin it real. We'd all be renting the speech on beta tapes from Blockbuster if he had his way.

  7. donner_froh

    While McConnell was weeping bitter tears in his special place, John Boehner was presiding over the House of Representatives crying like a little girl.

    Leadership we can believe in.

  8. Texan_Bulldog

    Boys, let's not fight. There are plenty of other slave holding wingers to idolize–Strom Thurmond is still available.

  9. Wadisay

    Stewardess: Can I get you a beverage, Mr. Paul.
    Rand Paul: I'll have a Coke.
    Stewardess: We only have Pepsi. Is that OK?
    Rand Paul: HELL FUCKING NO, THAT'S NOT OK, YOU GODDAM NAZI. DO I LOOK LIKE YOUR PEPSI SLAVE???!!!11!

      1. Prizepig

        Stewardess: *Grabs beers, slides down escape ramp and runs off of the tarmac.*

        And now you know… the rest of the story.

  10. SorosBot

    Take that, long-dead Henry Clay! When I get elected to the Senate, I'll give a scathing, timely rebuke to Cato the Younger and Cicero; that'll show 'em!

  11. MinAgain

    I find it hard to take Rand Paul seriously. And not just because his first name looks like it's missing a 'Y'.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      He seems determined that Kentucky have only 1/2 of it's allotted pull in the US Senate.

      I'm OK with that.

  12. el_donaldo

    So he's supporting Civil War abolitionists now? Great! It's an improvement. Maybe after another hundred years he'll support the Civil Rights Act too!

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Actually, if you think about it, his support is not so much for the abolitionists as for war. At a time when the northern states didn't have a unified voice in opposition (hell, Lincoln was still a Whig back bencher who hadn't spoken to the issue of slavery), the standing army was even more pathetic than it was in 1860, and the President had dubious loyalties if the issue came down to preserving the union vs. preserving the peculiar institution. So he's still a douche bag.

  13. Crank_Tango

    Hey Rand, if you really wanna be a super duper Republican, you really shouldn't talk shit about slavery. They like to think of it as free-market welfare. Just a word to the wise, or you.

    1. ttommyunger

      You must be a youngster. You can regulate the stream quite imaginatively just by manipulating the head and shaft with your fingers. Believe me, I know.

  14. mumbly_joe

    To be fair, even though the only thing he's famous for is staving off the Civil war for a decade, and this is at best an ambiguous legacy, Henry Clay is still the second best thing to ever come from Kentucky. Wait, no, make that third, after Lincoln and bourbon.

      1. Moonbat

        But other than bourbon, Abraham Lincoln, Hunter Thompson, My Morning Jacket, Henry Clay, and Muhammad Ali, what has Kentucky ever done for us, eh, Reg?

  15. Crank_Tango

    Also Jcak, what's salvery? You better bring your A-game if you want huffpo to give you your 20 dollars.

  16. Serolf_Divad

    It just dawned on me: yes, there is something more pathetic than trying to drape yourself in the mantle of Ronald Reagan.

  17. Urban_Achiever

    Anytime anybody wonders why nothing ever gets accomplished in Congress, I shall send them this post……

  18. weejee

    That oh so Randy Paul ain't gots no feet of Clay. Nosireebob.

    McConnell would be okay if he can find his binky, or a certain senator fond of ham biscuits will join him in the closet.

  19. KochFembot

    Oh no, did Turtle take his Senatorball and go home?

    It can be hard to tell if McConnell is angry or happy by his facial expressions, since he only has two — "smooth turtle skull with loose skin mask" and "oops, I think I pooped myself".

    1. DashboardBuddha

      Senatorball…is that like a hamster ball? Because if it is, I had a vision of McConnell rolling around the Senate hallways for exercise.

  20. slithytoves

    Anyway, Dana Milbank says some historian says Henry Clay saved the Union by letting slavery happen another ten years or so, when it could be defeated.

    "Millbank himself also points out that had Aushwitz not been a concentration camp, it could not have been liberated in 1945."

    1. WriteyWriterton

      And if 911 hadn't occurred, we wouldn't have realized that Osama bin Laden threatened terrorist attacks in the U.S. Wait, what? We knew that before 911? Why didn't anyone tell President Bush? Wait, what?

      1. SorosBot

        Remember when Clinton tried to go after Osama, and the Republicans screamed, "No war for Monica!"? Good times.

  21. freakishlywrong

    It's wrong of me I know, but there's a huge part of me that would like to see the Whortise up to his waddle in clay.

  22. MozakiBlocks

    What the everliving fuck is wrong with the people in the state of my birth? KY coulda had the tall, handsome, articulate Attorney General as their Senator. But no, they had to vote for this idiot.

    1. Ruhe

      It is interesting that the whole "I ain't compromisn'" stand will play well here in the blue grass but using Henry Clay's defense of property rights as an example of why compromise fails shows questionable judgment. Unless you aren't worried about carrying your base anymore and have already started to try and impress a larger audience. 2012, anyone?

    1. Crank_Tango

      he likes how everyone gets so upset about the size of their p-ness. they talk about it on lightfart.

  23. ulTIMum

    Principle! His daddy showed the way. Tim Russert asked Ron why it was if he was so opposed to earmarks why he slipped so many of his own into all manner of legislation. What followed was an extended gush of mealymouth weaseling, but I think I have the principled answer in the story of rhe goon arrested with his buddy libertarians for gang rape. His plea: "I have always been opposed to violence against women, but I saw rhe rape was gonna happen anyway, so I figured I'd better have my share. "

  24. SayItWithWookies

    You know that Jesus fellow, who let his enemies have the upper hand? Huuuuge moral failure. Big sissy, that son of The LORD.

  25. JustPixelz

    What the fuck is Paul talking about. Michele Bachmann said the Founding Fathers settled the matter of slavery. Henry Clay's compromises must have undone their sacred work. That little heretic! He caused the Civil War.

    1. spinozasgod

      well with the increasing improvements in modern medicine and the fact he will get lifetime government healthcare, he may remember Rand Paul, or if he continues with his obvious demantia he may not….

  26. mumbly_joe

    Wait, I'm confused. Is he saying that Henry Clay was wrong for compromising on Slavery, or that the Civil War, which was the only reason slavery ended abrutly rather than over the course of multiple additional decades due to the eventual economic decline of the south and a series of additional -you guessed it- political compromises was a bad thing, and also Henry Clay's fault? Because seriously, one or the other, dude.

    This really reads like a retread of when Bob Dole blamed Democrats for America's involvement in World War II.

    1. genxr

      The free market would have ended slavery right around the same time economic pressure forced Woolworths to seat everyone at the counter.

      1. mumbly_joe

        Well, yes, that's sort of the rub: racist systems like segregation and apartheid very seldom make any sort of economic sense, so expecting the free market to fix it apropos of nothing is insane and absurd. Segregation, despite being an idiotic concept economically, persisted for just around a hundred years. Slavery, despite what neo-confederate apologists like to claim, was at least as much a white supremacist system as it was an economically motivated one, and most likely, the South would have held onto it for generations after it stopped being economically viable.

        Hell, after couple generation of stagnant growth of their own making, the Know-Nothing/Teabag-Confederate-Americans would have been every bit as resentful against the much-wealthier North, whether or not they were on the losing end of a war that they started.

  27. Oblios_Cap

    If McConnell really wanted to adhere to the traditions of the Senate, he should have gone all Preston Brooks on Rand's Charles Sumner.

  28. Come here a minute

    Unbelievable — already violated the no Dana Milbank pledge and it's only February 8th. Such page hit whores!

  29. Tundra Grifter

    "Paul said. 'Or one could argue that his compromises were morally wrong and may have even encouraged war, that his compromises meant the acceptance, during his 50 years of public life, of not only slavery, but the slave trade itself.'"

    One could argue that but one would have to be full of shit to do it.

    The US Constitution stated (in a roundabout way, of couse) that the international slave trade could not be stopped until 1808. On January 1, 1808, (no waiting around on that one, was there!), Congress made it illegal to import slaves into the US.

    To my way of thinking that pretty much ended "acceptance" of the slave trade.

    In 1808 Mr. Clay had just started his national political career. But that's beside the point, because Congress took action the very first day it could.

    Of course, the illegal slave trade continued. Hard to hold Mr. Clay responsible for that, however. Isn't it?

  30. genxr

    The honorable gentleman from Kentucky cannot in good conscience vote for the omnibus budget reconciliation act, for that would be like compromising with slavery. I yield the balance of my time. Thank you.

  31. GregComlish

    If only Rand Paul could travel back in time and rationally explain to those Southerners how they are not true Conservatives. I'm sure they would be enlightened to hear that a true conservative rejects slavery because it is actually a form of taxation. While he's at it, he can clarify everything else that the Founding Fathers really meant.

  32. chascates

    Paul did break the unwritten rule of all freshman senators: remain respectfully silent until the ghost of Robert Byrd teaches you the rules and etiquette of the Senate.
    1. How to enter secret holds to deadlock legislation over perceived insults or for bribes.
    2. How to make meaningless speeches you don't mean simply to burnish your record for reelection.
    3. How to raise money fast: the real job of a Senator.
    4. Post government life: making millions as a lobbyist.

  33. hagajim

    Mitch McConnell and Rand Paul…jesus Kentucky, I thought Idaho was the most screwed up state in the country.

  34. spinozasgod

    so, he equates any compromise at all as equal to a compromise that allowed the continued ownership of human beings? WTF……

  35. imissopus

    I'm trying to wrap my head around the idea of Rand Paul, who thought the Civil Rights Act of 1964 went too far in granting equality under the law to black people, criticizing someone for delaying the end of slavery. I'd have more respect for him if he'd stood up and just yelled at McConnell "Well if Henry Clay is so smart, why is he dead?"

  36. Guppy06

    Except where in the Constitution does it give the federal government the power to interfere in a state's right to chattel slavery?

    Communist.

  37. problemwithcaring

    I think what Rand Paul is saying is that we need another Civil War now, not 10 years from now, and he is the type of public servant that allows it to happen.

  38. valgal2342

    Mitch uses Henry Clay's desk in his Senate office which I've been bitching about for years. Poor Henry Clay, he just can't get a break from this action can he?
    That handsome fellow on the left should be KY's Senator not Rand the douche bag or Mitch for that matter.

  39. ttommyunger

    Jeebus K. Christ on a fucking Cracker, Jack! What kind of Trifecta are you going for here? Rand Paul, Mitch McConnelll and Dana Milbank all in one short piece! And then the fucking Nazis thrown in the mix for good measure. Thanks for serving up the Turd Omelette.

  40. Dr_pangloss

    So what is Dr/Senator Rand Paul's "lesson" here? Never compromise and start a civil war or compromise and keep doing slavery? Is he really trying to say something here or is he just being more of a gigantic doucehbag?

  41. CookiE_MonstA

    Can we start calling him Rip Van Paul..? I know it's been a bit longer than 100 years but still…

Comments are closed.