Everyone wants to piss farther than the salvery guys. Men, amiright?Last week, America’s back-alley ophthalmologist senator, Rand Paul, delivered his first speech on the Senate floor. It wasn’t about freedom. It wasn’t about disgusting eye diseases. It was about himself. Paul contrasted himself with famous historyman Henry Clay. According to Rand, he will not make compromises ever, because when Henry Clay did, SLAVERY kept happening each time. The darndest thing, huh? “One could argue that he rose above sectional strife to carve out compromise after compromise trying to ward off civil war,” Paul said. “Or one could argue that his compromises were morally wrong and may have even encouraged war, that his compromises meant the acceptance, during his 50 years of public life, of not only slavery, but the slave trade itself.” This all upset the Turtle of the Senate, Mitch McConnell, a Clay fanboy, who ran off the Senate floor to go cry or whatever.

But it’s well-known that McConnell considers Clay one of his role models and closely adheres to the rules and traditions of the Senate.

McConnell hung a portrait of Clay in his Capitol office shortly after moving in and wrote his college thesis on Clay and the Compromise of 1850.

Mitch McConnell ran to his office, wrapped himself in his Henry Clay blanket, put his “Best of Henry Clay” CD in his Walkman, and buried his face in his Henry Clay plush doll.

Anyway, Dana Milbank says some historian says Henry Clay saved the Union by letting slavery happen another ten years or so, when it could be defeated. And George Washington owned slaves too, so it must be okay. Sure, Dana Milbank.

In related news, Slaveowners and Nazis still make the best analogies for things you don’t want to do. “I’m not going to take a shower. You know who cleaned themselves sometimes? Slaveowners. You know who used showers to kill people? Nazis.” Et cetera. [The Hill]

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  • Preferred Customer

    But is it wrong to own Nazis as slaves? Discuss.

  • Barbara_i

    On his way out did he call Rand a curly hair-nest of douchbaggery?

    • V572625694

      He's advanced the tonsorial frontiers of comb-forwarding, certainly.

    • prommie

      In high school in teh souf, I was often called, by the rednecks, a "yaller-haired hippie thang."

    • ttommyunger

      I would, if I had thought of such a descriptive epithet.

  • V572625694

    That's the problem with idealogues: they'll say any goddamn thing.

  • Hera Sent Me

    Rand thinks he's something special for being an obstructionist, self-righteous Republican senator?

    That's like the rest of us thinking we're all that for having opposible thumbs.

    • Serolf_Divad

      Looks like he's going to follow in his old man's footsteps and try to appear "principled" by voting "no" on every piece of legislation that comes to the floor (but still lard up appropriations bills he knows will pass anyway with pork for his state).

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Hey… we do?!

      We're awesome!

  • chickensmack

    No one talks about the aerobic health benefits of walking out.

  • Serolf_Divad

    Mitch will be releasing a YouTube video shortly in which he drapes himself in his Hencry Clay blanket and screams a teary eyed tirade at the bastards who won't "LEAVE CLAY ALONE!!!!"

    • PsycWench

      I'm waiting for the Facebook group "Rand Paul is a big meanie".

  • This all upset the Turtle of the Senate, Mitch McConnell, a Clay fanboy, who ran off the Senate floor to go cry or whatever.

    So he didn't seek sweet solace in the embrace of Senator Grahamcracker?

    P.S. Nice blingee, alt-text needs fixin'. Unless Rand is really, really against 'salvery', which I suppose is possible.

    • HistoriCat

      Today we are all against salvery.

    • Preferred Customer

      Rand Paul likes it rough, if you know what I mean. And I think you do.

  • twaingirl

    So Nazis=Henry Clay? American history!!!

    • SayItWithWookies

      No, Henry Clay = Neville Chamberlain. Which makes Rand Paul, who promotes the states' rights values of John C. Calhoun, equal to — um…

      • twaingirl

        Aaron Burr?

        • Oblios_Cap

          Blam! ** Thud

          It never gets old!

  • MittsHairHelmet

    A thesis on "Clay and the Compromise of 1850" in college is about as original as a "What I Did on My Summer Vacation" thesis in 5th grade.

    • Crank_Tango

      needz moar akwa booda

    • Terry

      McConnell probably just bought a pre-written one from one of his frat brothers.

  • x111e7thst

    Many Repug Senators have spent many happy hours daydreaming about being the slaves of beautiful boys in SS uniform.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Myself, my loyalties lay with Clay Henry, the beer-drinking goat and mayor of Lajitas, Texas.

    • baconzgood

      Hold on! Did my eyes just see that or was it some sort of beautiful dream.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        It's twue! It's twue! third generation.

        • baconzgood

          "Clay, Sr. and Clay, Jr. both got soused in the same pen during rutting season. Clay, Jr. killed his father in a drunken brawl over a female."

          I offically take back 3 mean things I've said about Tex-ass in the last month.

          • HistoriCat

            He is living the country music dream.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            Regrettably, like all good things, this came to an end a couple years ago. Some Houston millionaire bought the whole town back 8 or 10 years ago and fucked it up to a fare-thee-well. Now it's a ghost town.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Well, being a goat, he would never have compromised on slavery. He would have eaten it.

  • PocketsTheClown

    Paultards keepin it real. We'd all be renting the speech on beta tapes from Blockbuster if he had his way.

    • CookiE_MonstA

      Can we start calling him Rip Van Paul..? I realize it's been more than 100 years but still…

  • While McConnell was weeping bitter tears in his special place, John Boehner was presiding over the House of Representatives crying like a little girl.

    Leadership we can believe in.

    • Crank_Tango

      and they think we're the pussies. Didn't Alanis sing about that shit?

      • BarryOPotter

        Ironic, isn't it?

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Boys, let's not fight. There are plenty of other slave holding wingers to idolize–Strom Thurmond is still available.

  • Wadisay

    Stewardess: Can I get you a beverage, Mr. Paul.
    Rand Paul: I'll have a Coke.
    Stewardess: We only have Pepsi. Is that OK?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Mike Muir and Suicidal Tendencies would have liked that stewardess.

    • Stewardess: Quiet down sir, or the pilot will have you removed from flight.
      Paul: Fuck him. i've got a laser pointer and I'm not afraid to use it.

      • Prizepig

        Stewardess: *Grabs beers, slides down escape ramp and runs off of the tarmac.*

        And now you know… the rest of the story.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    If he starts talkin shit about Daniel Webster, believe me the fist are gonna fly.

    • mereoblivion

      Worse yet, about the Devil!

  • SorosBot

    Take that, long-dead Henry Clay! When I get elected to the Senate, I'll give a scathing, timely rebuke to Cato the Younger and Cicero; that'll show 'em!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Bitch had it comin'.

  • MinAgain

    I find it hard to take Rand Paul seriously. And not just because his first name looks like it's missing a 'Y'.

    • nounverb911

      I thought his first name was spelled AYNRAND.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      He seems determined that Kentucky have only 1/2 of it's allotted pull in the US Senate.

      I'm OK with that.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Actually, it could be his last name that's missing the Y.

  • Driven mad by Paul's attempt to hijack Henry Clay's legacy, McConnell creates a mask that transforms him into the diabolical super-senator: Clayface.

  • PublicLuxury

    Mitch is gonna git him. He'll make him sit at the back of the room in a time out.

  • el_donaldo

    So he's supporting Civil War abolitionists now? Great! It's an improvement. Maybe after another hundred years he'll support the Civil Rights Act too!

    • BerkeleyBear

      Actually, if you think about it, his support is not so much for the abolitionists as for war. At a time when the northern states didn't have a unified voice in opposition (hell, Lincoln was still a Whig back bencher who hadn't spoken to the issue of slavery), the standing army was even more pathetic than it was in 1860, and the President had dubious loyalties if the issue came down to preserving the union vs. preserving the peculiar institution. So he's still a douche bag.

  • Crank_Tango

    Hey Rand, if you really wanna be a super duper Republican, you really shouldn't talk shit about slavery. They like to think of it as free-market welfare. Just a word to the wise, or you.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Jack, you may need to see a doctor. A hard piss-stream should not be so, uh, spread out…

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Maybe his prostate is acting up.

    • ttommyunger

      You must be a youngster. You can regulate the stream quite imaginatively just by manipulating the head and shaft with your fingers. Believe me, I know.

  • chascates

    Paul could always start an alternate Senate, with himself and his family as the only members.

  • "his compromises were morally wrong and may have even encouraged war"

    Apparently they avoided big words like compromise in bunyan school.

  • mumbly_joe

    To be fair, even though the only thing he's famous for is staving off the Civil war for a decade, and this is at best an ambiguous legacy, Henry Clay is still the second best thing to ever come from Kentucky. Wait, no, make that third, after Lincoln and bourbon.

    • SorosBot

      Fourth; you forgot Hunter S. Thompson.

    • el_donaldo

      and My Morning Jacket. But that's it.

      • Moonbat

        But other than bourbon, Abraham Lincoln, Hunter Thompson, My Morning Jacket, Henry Clay, and Muhammad Ali, what has Kentucky ever done for us, eh, Reg?

  • Crank_Tango

    Also Jcak, what's salvery? You better bring your A-game if you want huffpo to give you your 20 dollars.

  • baconzgood

    OH "Henry Clay". Now it makes sense. I thought this was all about "Clay Aiken".

  • Serolf_Divad

    It just dawned on me: yes, there is something more pathetic than trying to drape yourself in the mantle of Ronald Reagan.

  • Urban_Achiever

    Anytime anybody wonders why nothing ever gets accomplished in Congress, I shall send them this post……

  • LiveToServeYa

    If Henry Clay were alive today, he'd make Paul pay and pay and pay.

  • That oh so Randy Paul ain't gots no feet of Clay. Nosireebob.

    McConnell would be okay if he can find his binky, or a certain senator fond of ham biscuits will join him in the closet.

  • Mitch McConnell: our first emo senate majority leader.

  • KochFembot

    Oh no, did Turtle take his Senatorball and go home?

    It can be hard to tell if McConnell is angry or happy by his facial expressions, since he only has two — "smooth turtle skull with loose skin mask" and "oops, I think I pooped myself".

    • DashboardBuddha

      Senatorball…is that like a hamster ball? Because if it is, I had a vision of McConnell rolling around the Senate hallways for exercise.

      • KochFembot

        I'd rather picture him in ROLLERBALL, but yours is pretty great too!

        • DashboardBuddha

          …especially if you add the Mitch sized water bottle in his office.

      • jim89048
  • Sounds like Rand is poking McConnell with a stick to see if he’s alive, the jury is still out.

  • slithytoves

    Anyway, Dana Milbank says some historian says Henry Clay saved the Union by letting slavery happen another ten years or so, when it could be defeated.

    "Millbank himself also points out that had Aushwitz not been a concentration camp, it could not have been liberated in 1945."

    • genxr

      That's why they didn't liberate it in 1942, they knew it would be easier if they waited a few years.

    • WriteyWriterton

      And if 911 hadn't occurred, we wouldn't have realized that Osama bin Laden threatened terrorist attacks in the U.S. Wait, what? We knew that before 911? Why didn't anyone tell President Bush? Wait, what?

      • SorosBot

        Remember when Clinton tried to go after Osama, and the Republicans screamed, "No war for Monica!"? Good times.

        • WriteyWriterton

          Oy, I remember, I remember (using Grandma's Ukrainian/Jewish accent).

  • freakishlywrong

    It's wrong of me I know, but there's a huge part of me that would like to see the Whortise up to his waddle in clay.

  • MozakiBlocks

    What the everliving fuck is wrong with the people in the state of my birth? KY coulda had the tall, handsome, articulate Attorney General as their Senator. But no, they had to vote for this idiot.

    • Ruhe

      It is interesting that the whole "I ain't compromisn'" stand will play well here in the blue grass but using Henry Clay's defense of property rights as an example of why compromise fails shows questionable judgment. Unless you aren't worried about carrying your base anymore and have already started to try and impress a larger audience. 2012, anyone?

  • I wonder if Henry Clay ever get recruited by Cynthia Plaster Caster?

  • freakishlywrong

    Fister the down is back.

    • Crank_Tango

      he likes how everyone gets so upset about the size of their p-ness. they talk about it on lightfart.

      • Worthly Wokette Skum

        Twisted Fisters.

  • Principle! His daddy showed the way. Tim Russert asked Ron why it was if he was so opposed to earmarks why he slipped so many of his own into all manner of legislation. What followed was an extended gush of mealymouth weaseling, but I think I have the principled answer in the story of rhe goon arrested with his buddy libertarians for gang rape. His plea: "I have always been opposed to violence against women, but I saw rhe rape was gonna happen anyway, so I figured I'd better have my share. "

  • SayItWithWookies

    You know that Jesus fellow, who let his enemies have the upper hand? Huuuuge moral failure. Big sissy, that son of The LORD.

    • CookiE_MonstA

      Turn the other cheek means make them see you as an equal not let them hit you again.

  • What the fuck is Paul talking about. Michele Bachmann said the Founding Fathers settled the matter of slavery. Henry Clay's compromises must have undone their sacred work. That little heretic! He caused the Civil War.

  • Slim_Pickins

    160 years from now, who will even remember Rand Paul?

    • HistoriCat

      I'm sure some eager PhD candidate will re-discover him.

    • spinozasgod

      well with the increasing improvements in modern medicine and the fact he will get lifetime government healthcare, he may remember Rand Paul, or if he continues with his obvious demantia he may not….

  • mumbly_joe

    Wait, I'm confused. Is he saying that Henry Clay was wrong for compromising on Slavery, or that the Civil War, which was the only reason slavery ended abrutly rather than over the course of multiple additional decades due to the eventual economic decline of the south and a series of additional -you guessed it- political compromises was a bad thing, and also Henry Clay's fault? Because seriously, one or the other, dude.

    This really reads like a retread of when Bob Dole blamed Democrats for America's involvement in World War II.

    • genxr

      The free market would have ended slavery right around the same time economic pressure forced Woolworths to seat everyone at the counter.

      • mumbly_joe

        Well, yes, that's sort of the rub: racist systems like segregation and apartheid very seldom make any sort of economic sense, so expecting the free market to fix it apropos of nothing is insane and absurd. Segregation, despite being an idiotic concept economically, persisted for just around a hundred years. Slavery, despite what neo-confederate apologists like to claim, was at least as much a white supremacist system as it was an economically motivated one, and most likely, the South would have held onto it for generations after it stopped being economically viable.

        Hell, after couple generation of stagnant growth of their own making, the Know-Nothing/Teabag-Confederate-Americans would have been every bit as resentful against the much-wealthier North, whether or not they were on the losing end of a war that they started.

  • Oblios_Cap

    If McConnell really wanted to adhere to the traditions of the Senate, he should have gone all Preston Brooks on Rand's Charles Sumner.

  • Come here a minute

    Unbelievable — already violated the no Dana Milbank pledge and it's only February 8th. Such page hit whores!

    • Mentioning Dana in anyway only increases page hits to your site because Dana spends all day googling himself and wanking to Sarah Palin pr0n.

  • mumbly_joe

    Also, better Henry Clay than John C Calhoun.

  • But if slaves were property…

    Paul Jr. is winning no points with the guys in the pointy sheets for consistency.

  • Tundra Grifter

    "Paul said. 'Or one could argue that his compromises were morally wrong and may have even encouraged war, that his compromises meant the acceptance, during his 50 years of public life, of not only slavery, but the slave trade itself.'"

    One could argue that but one would have to be full of shit to do it.

    The US Constitution stated (in a roundabout way, of couse) that the international slave trade could not be stopped until 1808. On January 1, 1808, (no waiting around on that one, was there!), Congress made it illegal to import slaves into the US.

    To my way of thinking that pretty much ended "acceptance" of the slave trade.

    In 1808 Mr. Clay had just started his national political career. But that's beside the point, because Congress took action the very first day it could.

    Of course, the illegal slave trade continued. Hard to hold Mr. Clay responsible for that, however. Isn't it?

    • genxr

      His compromise which delayed war may have encouraged war? I has a confuse.

  • genxr

    The honorable gentleman from Kentucky cannot in good conscience vote for the omnibus budget reconciliation act, for that would be like compromising with slavery. I yield the balance of my time. Thank you.

  • GregComlish

    If only Rand Paul could travel back in time and rationally explain to those Southerners how they are not true Conservatives. I'm sure they would be enlightened to hear that a true conservative rejects slavery because it is actually a form of taxation. While he's at it, he can clarify everything else that the Founding Fathers really meant.

  • chascates

    Paul did break the unwritten rule of all freshman senators: remain respectfully silent until the ghost of Robert Byrd teaches you the rules and etiquette of the Senate.
    1. How to enter secret holds to deadlock legislation over perceived insults or for bribes.
    2. How to make meaningless speeches you don't mean simply to burnish your record for reelection.
    3. How to raise money fast: the real job of a Senator.
    4. Post government life: making millions as a lobbyist.

  • hagajim

    Mitch McConnell and Rand Paul…jesus Kentucky, I thought Idaho was the most screwed up state in the country.

    • Hey we're trying up here in spudville it's not our fault that kentucky and Oklahoma exist.

  • Ducksworthy

    Tea Baggery or Death! No Prisoners! Tim McVeigh Lives!

  • crybabyboehner

    A mere lovers' spat. They'll kiss and make up in time for the Derby.

    • genxr

      Mint juleps on the veranda.

  • 4tehlulz_lite

    One also could argue that Rand is just butthurt that the North won the Civil War.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Nazis take baths, not showers.

  • Barrelhse

    So, was that BEFORE Clay was Mohamed Ali?

  • spinozasgod

    so, he equates any compromise at all as equal to a compromise that allowed the continued ownership of human beings? WTF……

  • I'm trying to wrap my head around the idea of Rand Paul, who thought the Civil Rights Act of 1964 went too far in granting equality under the law to black people, criticizing someone for delaying the end of slavery. I'd have more respect for him if he'd stood up and just yelled at McConnell "Well if Henry Clay is so smart, why is he dead?"

  • Toomush_Infer

    Well, at least Ra(y)nd Paul is no slave to fashion……

  • Guppy06

    Except where in the Constitution does it give the federal government the power to interfere in a state's right to chattel slavery?


  • problemwithcaring

    I think what Rand Paul is saying is that we need another Civil War now, not 10 years from now, and he is the type of public servant that allows it to happen.

  • valgal2342

    Mitch uses Henry Clay's desk in his Senate office which I've been bitching about for years. Poor Henry Clay, he just can't get a break from this action can he?
    That handsome fellow on the left should be KY's Senator not Rand the douche bag or Mitch for that matter.

  • Gopherit

    Like Rand Paul wouldn't have slaves……it's called free enterprise, brown people.

  • BarackMyWorld

    You know who else didn't compromise his principles? Hitler.

    Boom, in yer face, Randal.

  • salt_bagel

    Um, it's called a Discman, duh. Mitchum has the newest stuff.

  • Negropolis

    Does the Goode Doctor Rand take Medicaid (Poors and/or Coloreds) or Medicare (Olds) patients?

  • ttommyunger

    Jeebus K. Christ on a fucking Cracker, Jack! What kind of Trifecta are you going for here? Rand Paul, Mitch McConnelll and Dana Milbank all in one short piece! And then the fucking Nazis thrown in the mix for good measure. Thanks for serving up the Turd Omelette.

  • So what is Dr/Senator Rand Paul's "lesson" here? Never compromise and start a civil war or compromise and keep doing slavery? Is he really trying to say something here or is he just being more of a gigantic doucehbag?

  • CookiE_MonstA

    Can we start calling him Rip Van Paul..? I know it's been a bit longer than 100 years but still…

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