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Everyone wants to piss farther than the salvery guys. Men, amiright?Last week, America’s back-alley ophthalmologist senator, Rand Paul, delivered his first speech on the Senate floor. It wasn’t about freedom. It wasn’t about disgusting eye diseases. It was about himself. Paul contrasted himself with famous historyman Henry Clay. According to Rand, he will not make compromises ever, because when Henry Clay did, SLAVERY kept happening each time. The darndest thing, huh? “One could argue that he rose above sectional strife to carve out compromise after compromise trying to ward off civil war,” Paul said. “Or one could argue that his compromises were morally wrong and may have even encouraged war, that his compromises meant the acceptance, during his 50 years of public life, of not only slavery, but the slave trade itself.” This all upset the Turtle of the Senate, Mitch McConnell, a Clay fanboy, who ran off the Senate floor to go cry or whatever.

But it’s well-known that McConnell considers Clay one of his role models and closely adheres to the rules and traditions of the Senate.

McConnell hung a portrait of Clay in his Capitol office shortly after moving in and wrote his college thesis on Clay and the Compromise of 1850.

Mitch McConnell ran to his office, wrapped himself in his Henry Clay blanket, put his “Best of Henry Clay” CD in his Walkman, and buried his face in his Henry Clay plush doll.

Anyway, Dana Milbank says some historian says Henry Clay saved the Union by letting slavery happen another ten years or so, when it could be defeated. And George Washington owned slaves too, so it must be okay. Sure, Dana Milbank.

In related news, Slaveowners and Nazis still make the best analogies for things you don’t want to do. “I’m not going to take a shower. You know who cleaned themselves sometimes? Slaveowners. You know who used showers to kill people? Nazis.” Et cetera. [The Hill]

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