IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA  8:54 am February 8, 2011

Keith Olbermann To Join Al Gore’s Adult Entertainment Channel?

by Riley Waggaman

He's already got the p0rno 'stache!

  • Keith Olbermann is expected to announce his new teevee home base sometime today, and many teevee experts believe he will join Current TV, the “public affairs channel” that Al Gore invented to help spread liberal Sharia. And now that Keith isn’t oppressed by the MSNBC Corporate Yoke, he can finally tell the news the way it’s meant to be told: in the nude, as a CNN hologram. Will Keith’s teevee groupies follow him to this obscure television station? And how many Al Gore carbon credits does it cost to purchase an episode of Countdown with Naked Keith Olbermann, on Pay-Per-View? [NYT]
  • Fox News does special undercover investigative journalism on some silly iPhone immigration video game .mp3. [Fox News]
  • Bank of America will stop offering reverse mortgages! This is bad news for the olds who enjoy being seduced by promises of Cash Now while watching the History Channel at 4am. [McClatchy]
 
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Hola wonkerados.

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{ 90 comments }

Barbara_i February 8, 2011 at 8:56 am

Bad Keith! Go to my room!

Oblios_Cap February 8, 2011 at 9:01 am

Alt-Text win! That was my first thought when I saw that picture.

But the loans are often misunderstood. Borrowers do have to repay the bank, just not in cash: When they move or die, the bank sells the house and keeps the money, leaving out any heirs. The loans also carry high upfront fees, and a borrower can almost always get more money by selling the house instead.

So why is BOA dropping these? It seems like the product is despicable and heartless enough for them to sell. Are they switching to Viaticals?

xsluggo February 8, 2011 at 9:35 am

BOA has replaced reverse mortagages with its Sell-Your-Body-To-A-Med-School product, which it’s also calling End-of-Life-Care or a “death mortgage”. The product goes into effect automatically. Selling point: saves on funeral costs and provides heirs with instant cash to buy, e.g., a handful of Super Lotto tickets or a few sixes of Red Bull.

And they say that innovation is dead.

Terry February 8, 2011 at 9:39 am

Not only when they die, but it can be when just one of the couple dies depending on whose name the house is in. I know an elderly couple who got a reverse mortgage and put it in her name since women tend to live longer. She passed away first and he had to be out of the house within weeks.

Evil business.

V572625694 February 8, 2011 at 11:23 am

In theory reverse mortgages could be a good deal, allowing us Olds to stay in our houses until we croak and get the financial benefit now, and assuming there are no heirs who had their sights set on spending the equity. In practice they turned out to be an over-priced, fee-laden scam — even though they hired the Fonz to do commercials for them! Everyone trusts the Fonz!

Lascauxcaveman February 8, 2011 at 11:53 am

My in-laws have one of these. Maybe my kids don't go to college after all : (

GOPCrusher February 8, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Agreed. The first time I heard of a reverse mortgage, I knew nothing good could come of someone offering old people money on their home.
Maybe Bank Of America is dropping them because they realize that death panels really aren't in the Obamacare law?
Or the Federal Government told them that they can't put a rider in the contract that forces the olds to make quilts 20 hours a day to cover the upfront fees.

baconzgood February 8, 2011 at 9:04 am

Read the "comments" on the Faux Noose site. You think us Wonketters are snarky. Or maybe there serious about thier comments on Faux Noose…Naaaah they have to be joking.

gef05 February 8, 2011 at 9:08 am

The Fox commenters in that thread put the "fuckwit" in "what a pack of fuckwits".

LesBontemps February 8, 2011 at 9:26 am

From the comments:

"I don't recall ever seeing a good joke the liberals didn't hate…"

True only if you consider Sarah Palin a "good" joke.

SorosBot February 8, 2011 at 9:43 am

Hey, the goatbeck guy who spent all of last night trolling Wonkette had some great jokes, like calling Michelle Obama fat even though she clearly isn't. Oh, and claiming Politico was liberal.

And just look at the timestamps; the guy was seriously trolling all night long.

baconzgood February 8, 2011 at 9:45 am

Politico liberal? Aparently anything other than Faux Noose is liberal. Oh the Wall Street Journal is a communist manifesto.

HistoriCat February 8, 2011 at 9:45 am

Did he wear himself out with all that crappy link posting?

WriteyWriterton February 8, 2011 at 10:00 am

I rashly sent him a lengthy reply, presuming, on behalf of Wonkette lib/lametards everywhere, to explain what we do here, and why we do it. I assume it will jet right over his ditto/pin-head. Quel dope, eh? Haw-haw-haw (twirling French/Apach mustache).

Serolf_Divad February 8, 2011 at 9:08 am

Reverse mortgages are useful to some borrowers, but they have many critics. In a reverse mortgage, the bank pays the borrower instead of the other way around, meaning that the borrower loses equity instead of building it… But the loans are often misunderstood. Borrowers do have to repay the bank, just not in cash: Instead borrowers must sign a deed of transfer to Beelzebub and then fornicate with a group of Lesser Demons all while being bathed in the blood of a slaughtered goat. Once that is done, they must help Satan find an unspoiled young virgin to impregnate with his pustulent seed that she may bring the Antichrist into the world and usher forth the end of days.

Bank of America executives explained that they'd rather just continue foreclosing on cash strapped borrowers because that's where the money really is.

There, fixed.

teebob2000 February 8, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Yeah, but under the new consumer protection law, all that has to be explained on a single printed page of terms and conditions. So there's that.

horsedreamer_1 February 8, 2011 at 9:09 am

Shucks. We all know Keith would have been perfect to move to TLC & revive Trading Spaces.

genxr February 8, 2011 at 9:29 am

I was thinking Hoarders or Celebrity Rehab, but okay.

weejee February 8, 2011 at 9:09 am

One of Bank of America's mortgage derivative binomial option modelers ran the numbers and teh oldes are living too fucking long and shooting them was too risky. I know, I know, there seems to be a disconnect for a math guru thinking mortgage derivatives were okay but shooting old farts is too risky, but the percentages are the percentages.

WriteyWriterton February 8, 2011 at 10:01 am

Numbers are numbers, my friend. They don't lie until we say so!

hagajim February 8, 2011 at 10:44 am

B of A better hope the olds hang on and die later…because my guess is that right now they have paid out a shitload more to those olds than the houses are currently worth….thus they, like myself, are underwater in those homes….hope they fucking drown.

jim89048 February 8, 2011 at 10:56 am

On the other hand, it might be the only chance I'll ever get to sell this turkey, no matter the price. Sign me up!

Lazy Media February 8, 2011 at 9:11 am

Newspapers are so cute on the Internets. From McClatchy's website comment rules: "Please keep your comment civil, short and to the point."

Oh, dear, I do believed they are doomed to disappointment.

SorosBot February 8, 2011 at 9:30 am

From my experience with newspaper comments, "civil" means 1) don't type fuck or shit and 2) don't call out other comments for racism (or sexism or religious bigotry). Horrific racism, however, is a-OK as long as it avoids the N-word.

gef05 February 8, 2011 at 9:39 am

"Go fornicate yourselves, you cacophages".

Lascauxcaveman February 8, 2011 at 12:06 pm

Horrific racism, however, is a-OK as long as it avoids the N-word.

Too right. On my local newspaper comments section, it took me forever to find a screen-proof version of the word n1@@3r.

MildMidwesterner February 8, 2011 at 9:12 am

Why did Al Gore name his network after the fruits in my scone?

DashboardBuddha February 8, 2011 at 9:40 am

"after the fruits in my scone"

Is that what you crazy kids are calling it these days?

Moonbat February 8, 2011 at 12:01 pm

"Fruits In My Scone" sounds like a really dirty Scottish folk song that you can't fully understand because of the accent, but you hear just enough to know you're missing the good stuff.

MozakiBlocks February 8, 2011 at 10:30 am

So I first read that as "the fruits in my groin" which made me giggle like a baboon on a nitrous oxide bender.

SorosBot February 8, 2011 at 9:13 am

Wait, you mean the reverse mortgage ads that promises "FREE MONEY NOW!" may have been lying to me? Shocker!

All these mortgage ripoffs that have come to light over the past few years make me very glad I rent.

Barbara_i February 8, 2011 at 9:33 am

I had a friend who called me and said that their mother-in-law is leaving her house to she and her husband and she is doing a reverse mortgage to do it. It made me pay attention to the TV ad for once and Fonzi suggested that you could do it to "buy gifts for your grandchildren" The TV personalities who are paid to hawk this should be ashamed of their actions. Robert Wagner in his cool voice, "let ME send you the information" Yeah, like he's in the mail room, signing that envelope for you.

WriteyWriterton February 8, 2011 at 10:02 am

Just tell us Olds to give up our equity for Hoverounds, and we'll go all in.

SorosBot February 8, 2011 at 10:16 am

But I trusted that nice Sam Watterson when he warned me about the robot attacks:
http://www.hulu.com/watch/2340/saturday-night-liv

MissTaken February 8, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Agreed on the renting front. For several years I heard from my parents and aunts/uncles that I was a complete fucking idiot for renting and just throwing my money away every month like some kind of anti-American Taliban whore. Now all my cousins are living with their parents again after being foreclosed on and I've got myself a cute little apartment with a pool and fireplace. And when my kitchen light burnt out I had the manager come fix it while I went for a jog.

"FREE MONEY NOW!" never works out in the long run.

charlesdegoal February 8, 2011 at 9:16 am

Getting a lifetime annuity in exchange for future ownership of your house may be attractive to some people but I'd hate it if someone lived in the hope of benefiting from my early demise.

HolyMaracas February 8, 2011 at 9:18 am

Well, mustachioed Keith did look like a porn star back in the ESPN days.

WriteyWriterton February 8, 2011 at 10:26 am

somebody isn't reading alt-text. Ruh-roh!

freakishlywrong February 8, 2011 at 9:21 am

K.O. may be a pornstached blowhard, but he's OUR pornstached blowhard.

WriteyWriterton February 8, 2011 at 10:27 am

You go to war with the pornstached blowhard you have, etc.

mumbly_joe February 8, 2011 at 9:22 am

Somebody should probably point out to Fox News that Angry Birds is about radical extremists destroying buildings, by flying into them. Mainly because I'm sick of everybody playing that game. ALL. THE FUCKING. TIME.

mrblifil February 8, 2011 at 11:25 am

But it's so gratifying when it all comes crashing down…

ManchuCandidate February 8, 2011 at 9:22 am

Is the ghost of Morton Downey Jr running the Faux Newz invetstigheyshun teem (SIC)?

When can we expect the undercover expose of "G-Strings: Fat discriminator – Tonight we'll investigate why the promise of sexy time G-Strings end up looking like Butt floss on fatties, um, the typical Faux Viewer."

ifthethunderdontgetya February 8, 2011 at 9:43 am

I don't think anyone can ever top Geraldo Rivera and "Al Capones vault".
~

WriteyWriterton February 8, 2011 at 10:05 am

Rivera's career in a nutshell – expending vast amounts of time and energy to produce…nothing.

WriteyWriterton February 8, 2011 at 10:29 am

Identical, btw, to our family's savings-plan.

GOPCrusher February 8, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Never before in human history, have so many given up so much for so few.
And not long after that fiasco, Fox Network announced a 24 hour a day news network. The FCC should have stepped in right then and put a stop to it. America could have gotten by without The Simpsons and Married With Children.

cheaphits February 8, 2011 at 9:23 am

And Rick Sanchez just keeps sending out those resumes…

mumbly_joe February 8, 2011 at 9:25 am

As per below, I was thinking less PETA, more Pamela Gellar.

WriteyWriterton February 8, 2011 at 10:04 am

Angry Birds = Terrorists win, unless they're launching themselves at mosks.

mumbly_joe February 8, 2011 at 10:11 am

Or IRS offices or abortion clinics, also, too.

WriteyWriterton February 8, 2011 at 10:15 am

Game ON!

Not_So_Much February 8, 2011 at 9:31 am

So, his spittle will come at us in 3D, right?

chickensmack February 8, 2011 at 9:33 am

Keith should pull a Bill Maher and go to HBO. Needs moar "God Damn."

DashboardBuddha February 8, 2011 at 9:42 am

I wonder how the 5 or 10 people that watch Current TV feel about this?

freakishlywrong February 8, 2011 at 9:58 am

I've already checked for it in my area. Nope. Although, my "area" being Floridumb, you couldn't have colored me surprised.

Oblios_Cap February 8, 2011 at 10:15 am

We don't have it here in the capitol of America's Dinghus™ either. But our paper's headline this morning was "Scott Reveals State Budget at Tea Party Meeting". Certainly woke me up right quick-like.

trampndirtdown February 8, 2011 at 10:02 am

Hey now.

jrients February 8, 2011 at 11:48 am

Eh, could be interesting. A self-absorbed adult full of righteous indignation instead of the usual array of self-absorbed twenty-somethings full of righteous indignation might be a neat change of pace.

GOPCrusher February 8, 2011 at 2:18 pm

I have it on Dish Network, although I can't say that I've ever turned to it.

MsQuasimodo February 10, 2011 at 6:57 am

I used to watch it on the internets until Sarah Haskins quit her hysterically funny Infomania segment "Target Women." Now, meh..

alzronnie February 8, 2011 at 9:43 am

When did Groucho Marx work at ESPN? The network is older than I thought.

GOPCrusher February 8, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Chris Berman was about 300 lbs. lighter.

CapeClod February 8, 2011 at 9:44 am

Can someone create an app called "Angry Olbermann"? That's where you take out a reverse mortgage on his house and he goes berserk when you take it away from him.

mereoblivion February 8, 2011 at 9:51 am

Why most shampoos are a waste of money.

Schmannnity February 8, 2011 at 9:53 am

Countdown to obscurity.

Naked_Bunny February 8, 2011 at 9:54 am

If they make Olbermann wear a bunny tail and ears, and wrap his naked body in a little ivy, then they will get a new viewer.

Oblios_Cap February 8, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Someone's thinking "yiffpile", aren't they?

problemwithcaring February 8, 2011 at 10:01 am

In this market, reverse mortgages are costing the banks money. Housing prices are so overinflated, that even if an old dies early it still hurts the banks bottom line as it forces the banks to add more housing stock to an already saturated market.

All it took for B of A to stop feasting on old people was the worst housing market in US history. Lucky for them they still have the comfort of predatory student loan practices to see them through this difficult period.

arclight2012 February 8, 2011 at 10:02 am

We get Current on our satellite and I find that it generally gives me seizures to watch it. It's like "DUDE, WE'RE HIP AND YOUNG AND WE'RE GOING TO SHOW YOU A 3-MINUTE CLIP ABOUT FEMALE CIRCUMCISION IN SUB-SAHARAN AFRICA! BITCHIN!" and "HEY KIDS! HERE'S A 4-MINUTE CLIP ABOUT THE PLIGHT OF MINORITY CULTURES IN NORTHWESTERN CHINA! TOTALLY TUBULAR!"

trampndirtdown February 8, 2011 at 10:03 am

Well that bully Kieth better not pick on Connor Knighton(sic) that's all I can say.

PsycWench February 8, 2011 at 10:17 am

Dammit I was hoping for Naked Hour with Anderson Cooper instead.

ttommyunger February 8, 2011 at 10:58 pm

Not sure Andy plays for your team.

PsycWench February 8, 2011 at 10:19 am

Fox News does special undercover investigative journalism

Is this "special" as in unusual or "special" as in retarded mentally challenged?

MinAgain February 8, 2011 at 10:36 am

The Emperor has no clothes. And now, apparently, he has no audience, either.

bflrtsplk February 8, 2011 at 10:37 am

If he grew back that cheesy mustache, Larry Flynt will certainly find a place for him.

hagajim February 8, 2011 at 10:47 am

I don't care what Keith does….I can DVR him and watch at my leisure. Anything is better than watching that snoozefest Lawrence O'Donnell…what a jackhole. As egotistical as KO, but nowhere near as good.

donner_froh February 8, 2011 at 10:48 am

Since Olberlmann is now with Current TV will he try to sneak into North Korea with Lisa Ling's brother and get locked up until a former American big shot agrees to have his picture taken with a member of the Kim family?

thefrontpage February 8, 2011 at 11:22 am

BREAKING:

CurrentTV just announced that it's buying AOL, which just announced that it's buying The Huffington Post. Olbermman and Huffington announce they'll be hosting a new daily mid-day talk show, "Keith and Ariana Live!" from noon to 3 p.m.

horsedreamer_1 February 8, 2011 at 12:15 pm

This raises the question: why didn't Keith try to sign-on as Regis's successor?

mrblifil February 8, 2011 at 11:25 am

Featuring the Julian Assange accusers as the Ring Card Girls.

MissTaken February 8, 2011 at 12:22 pm

The reverse mortgage scam makes me also wonder about the buyout deals where teh oldz can sell their life insurance policies for CASH NOW!1! with the buyer betting they die soon.

Wait! What am I wondering about? Of course it's a scam, too.

littlebigdaddy February 8, 2011 at 12:31 pm

But can you get Nutz for your Smuggle Truck? Shouldn't there be an app for that?

ttommyunger February 8, 2011 at 11:00 pm

Olbermann nude: a program best suited for radio.

gef05 February 8, 2011 at 10:09 am

It's like a black-hole of stupidity: they start on the outer edges but are inexorably drawn towards the event horizon. Upon crossing it, they assume the default Right-wing-troll position:

I DON'T LIVE WITH MY PARENTS YOU GUYS LOVE SEX

SorosBot February 8, 2011 at 10:12 am

My favorite is when they go to "hey you said a naughty word you got a potty mouth and I win".

WriteyWriterton February 8, 2011 at 10:13 am

[slapping forehead, sinking head onto arms, weeping]

WriteyWriterton February 8, 2011 at 10:19 am

Here's what I sent him:

"I'm probably wasting electrons here, but let me try to orient you. Wonkette is not a serious public-policy arena; it's a snark-fill, an insult-fest. It actually is an echo-chamber for Wonketeers, who try – with intermittent success – to be funny here.

We find the world created by 30+ years of Reaganism and Reagan-Lite to be a depressing place. We relieve our distress by making crude and cruel fun of what we dislike about it.

Many of us are employed gainfully in "public service" or "public-interest' work. (I'll assume you know what those terms mean. God, I hope so.) There, we talk seriously about our public issues and try to devise solutions to them. In our work, we grapple daily with the application of underfunded social services to chronic social problems, in the face of increasingly troglodytic social policies.

In short, consensus-building – gah.

We come here to blow off steam, to take cheap shots. To have a good time. It's our corner snark-bar.

So when someone wanders in who manifestly doesn't get it, or gets it but doesn't want to play by our rule, or is – worst of the worst, not funny – we insult them. Most of us, probably nearly all of us, are too civil to do that in any actually public arena.

Zei Gezunt. Namaste. Whatever. Get with the program, or go away. Thanks!"

gef05 February 8, 2011 at 10:25 am

If I was a gorilla in a zoo I'd be flinging poo at you right now.

(God, I hope that's gorilla for "Well done".)

Beanball February 9, 2011 at 5:14 am

Friday I'm supposed to have a meeting with my new supervisor to, among other things, discuss my "job description."

I just tore it up, and will be using yours instead.

Namaste. Srsly.

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