Keith Olbermann To Join Al Gore’s Adult Entertainment Channel?

  it's morning in america

He's already got the p0rno 'stache!

  • Keith Olbermann is expected to announce his new teevee home base sometime today, and many teevee experts believe he will join Current TV, the “public affairs channel” that Al Gore invented to help spread liberal Sharia. And now that Keith isn’t oppressed by the MSNBC Corporate Yoke, he can finally tell the news the way it’s meant to be told: in the nude, as a CNN hologram. Will Keith’s teevee groupies follow him to this obscure television station? And how many Al Gore carbon credits does it cost to purchase an episode of Countdown with Naked Keith Olbermann, on Pay-Per-View? [NYT]
  • Fox News does special undercover investigative journalism on some silly iPhone immigration video game .mp3. [Fox News]
  • Bank of America will stop offering reverse mortgages! This is bad news for the olds who enjoy being seduced by promises of Cash Now while watching the History Channel at 4am. [McClatchy]

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Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

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90 comments

  1. Oblios_Cap

    Alt-Text win! That was my first thought when I saw that picture.

    But the loans are often misunderstood. Borrowers do have to repay the bank, just not in cash: When they move or die, the bank sells the house and keeps the money, leaving out any heirs. The loans also carry high upfront fees, and a borrower can almost always get more money by selling the house instead.

    So why is BOA dropping these? It seems like the product is despicable and heartless enough for them to sell. Are they switching to Viaticals?

    1. xsluggo

      BOA has replaced reverse mortagages with its Sell-Your-Body-To-A-Med-School product, which it’s also calling End-of-Life-Care or a “death mortgage”. The product goes into effect automatically. Selling point: saves on funeral costs and provides heirs with instant cash to buy, e.g., a handful of Super Lotto tickets or a few sixes of Red Bull.

      And they say that innovation is dead.

    2. Terry

      Not only when they die, but it can be when just one of the couple dies depending on whose name the house is in. I know an elderly couple who got a reverse mortgage and put it in her name since women tend to live longer. She passed away first and he had to be out of the house within weeks.

      Evil business.

    3. V572625694

      In theory reverse mortgages could be a good deal, allowing us Olds to stay in our houses until we croak and get the financial benefit now, and assuming there are no heirs who had their sights set on spending the equity. In practice they turned out to be an over-priced, fee-laden scam — even though they hired the Fonz to do commercials for them! Everyone trusts the Fonz!

    4. GOPCrusher

      Agreed. The first time I heard of a reverse mortgage, I knew nothing good could come of someone offering old people money on their home.
      Maybe Bank Of America is dropping them because they realize that death panels really aren't in the Obamacare law?
      Or the Federal Government told them that they can't put a rider in the contract that forces the olds to make quilts 20 hours a day to cover the upfront fees.

  2. baconzgood

    Read the "comments" on the Faux Noose site. You think us Wonketters are snarky. Or maybe there serious about thier comments on Faux Noose…Naaaah they have to be joking.

    1. LesBontemps

      From the comments:

      "I don't recall ever seeing a good joke the liberals didn't hate…"

      True only if you consider Sarah Palin a "good" joke.

      1. SorosBot

        Hey, the goatbeck guy who spent all of last night trolling Wonkette had some great jokes, like calling Michelle Obama fat even though she clearly isn't. Oh, and claiming Politico was liberal.

        And just look at the timestamps; the guy was seriously trolling all night long.

        1. baconzgood

          Politico liberal? Aparently anything other than Faux Noose is liberal. Oh the Wall Street Journal is a communist manifesto.

          1. WriteyWriterton

            I rashly sent him a lengthy reply, presuming, on behalf of Wonkette lib/lametards everywhere, to explain what we do here, and why we do it. I assume it will jet right over his ditto/pin-head. Quel dope, eh? Haw-haw-haw (twirling French/Apach mustache).

          2. gef05

            It's like a black-hole of stupidity: they start on the outer edges but are inexorably drawn towards the event horizon. Upon crossing it, they assume the default Right-wing-troll position:

            I DON'T LIVE WITH MY PARENTS YOU GUYS LOVE SEX

          3. WriteyWriterton

            Here's what I sent him:

            "I'm probably wasting electrons here, but let me try to orient you. Wonkette is not a serious public-policy arena; it's a snark-fill, an insult-fest. It actually is an echo-chamber for Wonketeers, who try – with intermittent success – to be funny here.

            We find the world created by 30+ years of Reaganism and Reagan-Lite to be a depressing place. We relieve our distress by making crude and cruel fun of what we dislike about it.

            Many of us are employed gainfully in "public service" or "public-interest' work. (I'll assume you know what those terms mean. God, I hope so.) There, we talk seriously about our public issues and try to devise solutions to them. In our work, we grapple daily with the application of underfunded social services to chronic social problems, in the face of increasingly troglodytic social policies.

            In short, consensus-building – gah.

            We come here to blow off steam, to take cheap shots. To have a good time. It's our corner snark-bar.

            So when someone wanders in who manifestly doesn't get it, or gets it but doesn't want to play by our rule, or is – worst of the worst, not funny – we insult them. Most of us, probably nearly all of us, are too civil to do that in any actually public arena.

            Zei Gezunt. Namaste. Whatever. Get with the program, or go away. Thanks!"

          4. gef05

            If I was a gorilla in a zoo I'd be flinging poo at you right now.

            (God, I hope that's gorilla for "Well done".)

          5. Beanball

            Friday I'm supposed to have a meeting with my new supervisor to, among other things, discuss my "job description."

            I just tore it up, and will be using yours instead.

            Namaste. Srsly.

  3. Serolf_Divad

    Reverse mortgages are useful to some borrowers, but they have many critics. In a reverse mortgage, the bank pays the borrower instead of the other way around, meaning that the borrower loses equity instead of building it… But the loans are often misunderstood. Borrowers do have to repay the bank, just not in cash: Instead borrowers must sign a deed of transfer to Beelzebub and then fornicate with a group of Lesser Demons all while being bathed in the blood of a slaughtered goat. Once that is done, they must help Satan find an unspoiled young virgin to impregnate with his pustulent seed that she may bring the Antichrist into the world and usher forth the end of days.

    Bank of America executives explained that they'd rather just continue foreclosing on cash strapped borrowers because that's where the money really is.

    There, fixed.

    1. teebob2000

      Yeah, but under the new consumer protection law, all that has to be explained on a single printed page of terms and conditions. So there's that.

  4. weejee

    One of Bank of America's mortgage derivative binomial option modelers ran the numbers and teh oldes are living too fucking long and shooting them was too risky. I know, I know, there seems to be a disconnect for a math guru thinking mortgage derivatives were okay but shooting old farts is too risky, but the percentages are the percentages.

    1. hagajim

      B of A better hope the olds hang on and die later…because my guess is that right now they have paid out a shitload more to those olds than the houses are currently worth….thus they, like myself, are underwater in those homes….hope they fucking drown.

      1. jim89048

        On the other hand, it might be the only chance I'll ever get to sell this turkey, no matter the price. Sign me up!

  5. Lazy Media

    Newspapers are so cute on the Internets. From McClatchy's website comment rules: "Please keep your comment civil, short and to the point."

    Oh, dear, I do believed they are doomed to disappointment.

    1. SorosBot

      From my experience with newspaper comments, "civil" means 1) don't type fuck or shit and 2) don't call out other comments for racism (or sexism or religious bigotry). Horrific racism, however, is a-OK as long as it avoids the N-word.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Horrific racism, however, is a-OK as long as it avoids the N-word.

        Too right. On my local newspaper comments section, it took me forever to find a screen-proof version of the word n1@@3r.

      1. Moonbat

        "Fruits In My Scone" sounds like a really dirty Scottish folk song that you can't fully understand because of the accent, but you hear just enough to know you're missing the good stuff.

    1. MozakiBlocks

      So I first read that as "the fruits in my groin" which made me giggle like a baboon on a nitrous oxide bender.

  6. SorosBot

    Wait, you mean the reverse mortgage ads that promises "FREE MONEY NOW!" may have been lying to me? Shocker!

    All these mortgage ripoffs that have come to light over the past few years make me very glad I rent.

    1. Barbara_i

      I had a friend who called me and said that their mother-in-law is leaving her house to she and her husband and she is doing a reverse mortgage to do it. It made me pay attention to the TV ad for once and Fonzi suggested that you could do it to "buy gifts for your grandchildren" The TV personalities who are paid to hawk this should be ashamed of their actions. Robert Wagner in his cool voice, "let ME send you the information" Yeah, like he's in the mail room, signing that envelope for you.

    2. MissTaken

      Agreed on the renting front. For several years I heard from my parents and aunts/uncles that I was a complete fucking idiot for renting and just throwing my money away every month like some kind of anti-American Taliban whore. Now all my cousins are living with their parents again after being foreclosed on and I've got myself a cute little apartment with a pool and fireplace. And when my kitchen light burnt out I had the manager come fix it while I went for a jog.

      "FREE MONEY NOW!" never works out in the long run.

  7. charlesdegoal

    Getting a lifetime annuity in exchange for future ownership of your house may be attractive to some people but I'd hate it if someone lived in the hope of benefiting from my early demise.

  8. mumbly_joe

    Somebody should probably point out to Fox News that Angry Birds is about radical extremists destroying buildings, by flying into them. Mainly because I'm sick of everybody playing that game. ALL. THE FUCKING. TIME.

  9. ManchuCandidate

    Is the ghost of Morton Downey Jr running the Faux Newz invetstigheyshun teem (SIC)?

    When can we expect the undercover expose of "G-Strings: Fat discriminator – Tonight we'll investigate why the promise of sexy time G-Strings end up looking like Butt floss on fatties, um, the typical Faux Viewer."

      1. WriteyWriterton

        Rivera's career in a nutshell – expending vast amounts of time and energy to produce…nothing.

      2. GOPCrusher

        Never before in human history, have so many given up so much for so few.
        And not long after that fiasco, Fox Network announced a 24 hour a day news network. The FCC should have stepped in right then and put a stop to it. America could have gotten by without The Simpsons and Married With Children.

    1. freakishlywrong

      I've already checked for it in my area. Nope. Although, my "area" being Floridumb, you couldn't have colored me surprised.

      1. Oblios_Cap

        We don't have it here in the capitol of America's Dinghus™ either. But our paper's headline this morning was "Scott Reveals State Budget at Tea Party Meeting". Certainly woke me up right quick-like.

    2. jrients

      Eh, could be interesting. A self-absorbed adult full of righteous indignation instead of the usual array of self-absorbed twenty-somethings full of righteous indignation might be a neat change of pace.

    3. MsQuasimodo

      I used to watch it on the internets until Sarah Haskins quit her hysterically funny Infomania segment "Target Women." Now, meh..

  10. CapeClod

    Can someone create an app called "Angry Olbermann"? That's where you take out a reverse mortgage on his house and he goes berserk when you take it away from him.

  11. Naked_Bunny

    If they make Olbermann wear a bunny tail and ears, and wrap his naked body in a little ivy, then they will get a new viewer.

  12. problemwithcaring

    In this market, reverse mortgages are costing the banks money. Housing prices are so overinflated, that even if an old dies early it still hurts the banks bottom line as it forces the banks to add more housing stock to an already saturated market.

    All it took for B of A to stop feasting on old people was the worst housing market in US history. Lucky for them they still have the comfort of predatory student loan practices to see them through this difficult period.

  13. arclight2012

    We get Current on our satellite and I find that it generally gives me seizures to watch it. It's like "DUDE, WE'RE HIP AND YOUNG AND WE'RE GOING TO SHOW YOU A 3-MINUTE CLIP ABOUT FEMALE CIRCUMCISION IN SUB-SAHARAN AFRICA! BITCHIN!" and "HEY KIDS! HERE'S A 4-MINUTE CLIP ABOUT THE PLIGHT OF MINORITY CULTURES IN NORTHWESTERN CHINA! TOTALLY TUBULAR!"

  14. PsycWench

    Fox News does special undercover investigative journalism

    Is this "special" as in unusual or "special" as in retarded mentally challenged?

  15. hagajim

    I don't care what Keith does….I can DVR him and watch at my leisure. Anything is better than watching that snoozefest Lawrence O'Donnell…what a jackhole. As egotistical as KO, but nowhere near as good.

  16. donner_froh

    Since Olberlmann is now with Current TV will he try to sneak into North Korea with Lisa Ling's brother and get locked up until a former American big shot agrees to have his picture taken with a member of the Kim family?

  17. thefrontpage

    BREAKING:

    CurrentTV just announced that it's buying AOL, which just announced that it's buying The Huffington Post. Olbermman and Huffington announce they'll be hosting a new daily mid-day talk show, "Keith and Ariana Live!" from noon to 3 p.m.

  18. MissTaken

    The reverse mortgage scam makes me also wonder about the buyout deals where teh oldz can sell their life insurance policies for CASH NOW!1! with the buyer betting they die soon.

    Wait! What am I wondering about? Of course it's a scam, too.

Comments are closed.