hey he left his cell phone charger here!

You Too Can Have Sex Where Ronald Reagan Did

Ronald and Nancy Reagan spent part of their 1952 honeymoon at the Mission Inn in Riverside, Calif. To mark the occasion, the resort is now offering “The Reagan Honeymoon Package.”

Among other amenities, the $1,199 getaway includes “Deluxe Accommodations for Two in the Alhambra Suite” where the Reagans stayed the first night of their marriage.

You’ll also get dinner, massages, passes to the Reagan Library

And if you pay extra, Nancy will watch while you have sex. And if you pay a lot extra and give a wink, you can actually fuck the corpse. For a really special night, pay to have the corpse wear the suit he was shot in. It has a hole in it. [Patrick Gavin]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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72 comments

  1. nounverb911

    "And if you pay a lot extra and give a wink, you can actually fuck the corpse."
    Who's corpse? Ronnie's or Nancy's?

    1. mrblifil

      That is really disrespectful to Nancy who is of course alive and well and still among us. Fuck Nancy's corpse indeed. Please don't be crude. Everyone knows her hysterectomy resides in a glass jar at the Reagan Library and for a small contribution in addition to the admission fee you get to fuck her dead formaldehyde-scented cunt.

  2. SheriffRoscoe

    On the night stand will be two bowls. One for licorice jelly beans (Ronnie's favorite), and the other for chewable Levitra™ tablets, which might be necessary to overcome the boner killing aspect of thinking of Ronald Reagan while screwing.

  3. Tommmcatt

    Fucking the corpse of President Ronald Regan (1911-2004) is not nearly as much fun as it sounds.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      JG Ballard might disagree!!
      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Why_I_Want_to_Fuck_R

      "Slow-motion film of Reagan's speeches produced a marked erotic effect in an audience of spastic children"

      "Faces were seen as either circumcised (JFK, Khrushchev) or uncircumcised (LBJ, Adenauer). In assembly-kit tests Reagan’s face was uniformly perceived as a penile erection. Patients were encouraged to devise the optimum sex-death of Ronald Reagan."

      1. DoktorZoom

        Oddly enough, while I don't want to fuck the corpse of Ronald Reagan, I do have this sudden urge to shag Grace Jones in a pink suit in the back of a Lincoln Continental as it plunges off a freeway exit.

        That's Normal, isn't it?

  4. SorosBot

    Hopefully this will lead to the hotels where Nancy did Frank offering the "Reagan/Sinatra adultery package".

  5. DustinDeWynde

    Q: "If Ronald Reagan was alive right now, what would he be doing?"

    A: "Clawing at the lid of his coffin."

  6. Barbara_i

    Be sure to pack your rubber dork. He thought that the deficit would take care of itself and he probably would expect you to do the same.

  7. Boredw/Gravity

    Not that they necessarily had that much sex on their honeymoon. Don't forget Nancy was already knocked up when they got married. Family values and all.

      1. WriteyWriterton

        The family values crowd is remarkably consistent across generations, but all reside within the same shallow gene pool.

    1. mereoblivion

      Yeah, the Mission Inn forgot to specify the wife has to be five months along to get the package. Oh, and they watch to make sure you never stray outside Missionary.

    1. LionelHutzEsq

      I know, I was terribly upset with this headline, as I assumed that it meant Nancy was giving out blow jobs for bit parts again.

  8. Guppy06

    What exactly qualified as "sex" for the Reagans?

    "I'm a communist, Mommy! A naughty, naughty communist!"

  9. PublicLuxury

    So this is my chance to screw him? No matter what is done to/in that room can never make up for the screwing he gave this country. I would love to feed his corpse to the sharks.

  10. SayItWithWookies

    You may be able to have sex where Ronnie did, but you still won't be able to spooj all over America like he did.

  11. hagajim

    The only way I could fuck Mr. Reagan's corpse is if it had been reanimated in St. Sarah and then it would be a total hatefuck.

    1. GOPCrusher

      You know, I wonder why there isn't a member of the Palin Hive named Reagan? For someone who professes her undying love of all things Reaganesque, I would have assumed that the first born male child would have been Reagan Palin.

  12. DoktorZoom

    Oh. I thought that said we could have sex where Reagan died, which I suppose would have a certain je ne sais quois.

  13. Steverino247

    Only one problem with this package. It's in fucking Riverside! Have you ever BEEN to Riverside? The air quality is so bad there most of the time that you'd need oxygen after foreplay!

  14. ttommyunger

    I'm not known as a particularly discerning person when it comes to the act of love, nor have I a reputation for being squeamish or a prude; but including any Reagan, even the one in Playboy, in the mix is just too much. The simple thought of any of them would produce an instant soft-on which would probably take a blowjob from Sarah Palin to undo.
    Say, I'm getting a hate-powered chubby just thinking about it! The best part: she can't speak.

  15. EatsBabyDingos

    "Can Have Sex Where Ronald Reagan Did"

    I did not know that the United States of America has a specific anus, which would seem to be required for Ronnie to fuck all of us in the ass.

  16. Gleem_McShineys

    If you are talking to your average male Wonkette poster? Probably not.

    Republicans? That's foreplay.
    Teabaggers, on the other hand… you're talking "early finish"

    1. Redhead

      I thought the 'baggers were too fat for sex. Please, if I'm wrong, don't correct me – I'm all out of eyeball bleach after Ken posted that video of Bristol's house.

  17. MiniMencken

    OMFG! Nixon AND Reagan honeymooned at the Mission Inn! Their Website tells me so. I'm so glad we used to pilfer bottles of wine from the little barroom where Dick and Pat said "I do" before going upstairs to the hymeneal dungeon keep. Good times, good times…

  18. WriteyWriterton

    I don't think it's even possible to maintain the Platonic essence of an erection, while thinking about Reagan having sex.

  19. horsedreamer_1

    Alhambra Suite? Suspiciously Musliny. Would explain the arms-for-hostages, though.

    CREEPING! SHARIIIIIIIIIIIIIA!

Comments are closed.