HEY HE LEFT HIS CELL PHONE CHARGER HERE!  2:40 pm February 7, 2011

You Too Can Have Sex Where Ronald Reagan Did

by Jack Stuef

Ronald and Nancy Reagan spent part of their 1952 honeymoon at the Mission Inn in Riverside, Calif. To mark the occasion, the resort is now offering “The Reagan Honeymoon Package.”

Among other amenities, the $1,199 getaway includes “Deluxe Accommodations for Two in the Alhambra Suite” where the Reagans stayed the first night of their marriage.

You’ll also get dinner, massages, passes to the Reagan Library

And if you pay extra, Nancy will watch while you have sex. And if you pay a lot extra and give a wink, you can actually fuck the corpse. For a really special night, pay to have the corpse wear the suit he was shot in. It has a hole in it. [Patrick Gavin]

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 72 comments }

SexySmurf February 7, 2011 at 2:43 pm

For $50 you can visit the MGM backlot where Nancy first blew Ronnie.

nounverb911 February 7, 2011 at 2:45 pm

"And if you pay a lot extra and give a wink, you can actually fuck the corpse."
Who's corpse? Ronnie's or Nancy's?

mrblifil February 7, 2011 at 3:35 pm

That is really disrespectful to Nancy who is of course alive and well and still among us. Fuck Nancy's corpse indeed. Please don't be crude. Everyone knows her hysterectomy resides in a glass jar at the Reagan Library and for a small contribution in addition to the admission fee you get to fuck her dead formaldehyde-scented cunt.

hagajim February 7, 2011 at 5:01 pm

I thought it was W's brother that was in the jar.

mrblifil February 7, 2011 at 5:42 pm

The double-bill only applies during the national tour.

Barrelhse February 7, 2011 at 5:05 pm

I see by the rating that not everyone appreciates your delicate sense of humor.

bflrtsplk February 7, 2011 at 9:06 pm

What, no special deal for a threesome? Did I just say that?

BaldarTFlagass February 7, 2011 at 2:45 pm

In Jane Wyman and Nancy Davis? Necrophilia ain't my bag…

DoktorZoom February 7, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Colostomy is my bag. Hubba-hubba.

SheriffRoscoe February 7, 2011 at 2:50 pm

On the night stand will be two bowls. One for licorice jelly beans (Ronnie's favorite), and the other for chewable Levitra™ tablets, which might be necessary to overcome the boner killing aspect of thinking of Ronald Reagan while screwing.

Tommmcatt February 7, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Fucking the corpse of President Ronald Regan (1911-2004) is not nearly as much fun as it sounds.

BaldarTFlagass February 7, 2011 at 2:58 pm

JG Ballard might disagree!!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Why_I_Want_to_Fuck_R

"Slow-motion film of Reagan's speeches produced a marked erotic effect in an audience of spastic children"

"Faces were seen as either circumcised (JFK, Khrushchev) or uncircumcised (LBJ, Adenauer). In assembly-kit tests Reagan’s face was uniformly perceived as a penile erection. Patients were encouraged to devise the optimum sex-death of Ronald Reagan."

DoktorZoom February 7, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Oddly enough, while I don't want to fuck the corpse of Ronald Reagan, I do have this sudden urge to shag Grace Jones in a pink suit in the back of a Lincoln Continental as it plunges off a freeway exit.

That's Normal, isn't it?

WriteyWriterton February 7, 2011 at 10:51 pm

If it isn't, I don't want to be normal.

Barrelhse February 7, 2011 at 5:06 pm

But have you tried it LATELY?

SorosBot February 7, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Hopefully this will lead to the hotels where Nancy did Frank offering the "Reagan/Sinatra adultery package".

DashboardBuddha February 7, 2011 at 8:28 pm

Now THAT would be a place to fuck in.

bumfug February 7, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Like he told Nancy, "There you blow again…"

DustinDeWynde February 7, 2011 at 2:55 pm

Q: "If Ronald Reagan was alive right now, what would he be doing?"

A: "Clawing at the lid of his coffin."

Monsieur_Grumpe February 7, 2011 at 2:56 pm

And they say romance is dead?

MadBrahms February 8, 2011 at 12:31 am

No no, "Romance is dead people". Dead *people*. Like hell, for Sartre.

ManchuCandidate February 7, 2011 at 2:56 pm

So is the ball gag and rough trick named Jim extra?

Barbara_i February 7, 2011 at 2:59 pm

Be sure to pack your rubber dork. He thought that the deficit would take care of itself and he probably would expect you to do the same.

Boredw/Gravity February 7, 2011 at 3:03 pm

Not that they necessarily had that much sex on their honeymoon. Don't forget Nancy was already knocked up when they got married. Family values and all.

RedneckMuslin February 7, 2011 at 3:04 pm

So there really is a Palin just like Reagan?

WriteyWriterton February 7, 2011 at 10:52 pm

The family values crowd is remarkably consistent across generations, but all reside within the same shallow gene pool.

mereoblivion February 7, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Yeah, the Mission Inn forgot to specify the wife has to be five months along to get the package. Oh, and they watch to make sure you never stray outside Missionary.

WriteyWriterton February 7, 2011 at 10:52 pm

Mission-ary positions only.

ifthethunderdontgetya February 7, 2011 at 3:04 pm

You Too Can Have Sex Where Ronald Reagan Did

Nancy's mouth?
~

mrblifil February 7, 2011 at 3:38 pm

She was never that sort of girl. She never admitted anything into her mouth beyond the diameter of a cocktail straw.

FNMA February 7, 2011 at 3:48 pm

That sounds about right. The diameter, I mean. Oh, never mind…

LionelHutzEsq February 7, 2011 at 5:25 pm

I know, I was terribly upset with this headline, as I assumed that it meant Nancy was giving out blow jobs for bit parts again.

Sharkey February 7, 2011 at 3:08 pm

Jusy Say No.

Guppy06 February 7, 2011 at 3:13 pm

What exactly qualified as "sex" for the Reagans?

"I'm a communist, Mommy! A naughty, naughty communist!"

Extemporanus™ February 7, 2011 at 3:27 pm

The Mission Inn offers a wide variety of Romantique™ packages, including another Reagan-related one, and two featuring an Anne Rice theme.

And if you're looking for a real treat, you can ask for a "Rice & Ronnie" package!

(Haha, I hate myself…)

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] February 7, 2011 at 5:21 pm

Why do all of their packages feature bloodsucking monsters?

Barrelhse February 7, 2011 at 10:15 pm

The San Francisco treat?

ShaveTheWhales February 8, 2011 at 1:31 am

Damn you.

johnnymeatworth February 7, 2011 at 3:28 pm

And this was prophesied by the Sun City Girls….

mrblifil February 7, 2011 at 3:29 pm

In Nancy's butt? I'll pass.

Extemporanus™ February 7, 2011 at 3:35 pm

"That would be in the butt, Bob."

Gleem_McShineys February 7, 2011 at 8:06 pm

"Where is the weirdest place you've had a Jelly-Belly?"

DashboardBuddha February 7, 2011 at 8:25 pm

Jane Wyman's vagina?

PublicLuxury February 7, 2011 at 3:33 pm

So this is my chance to screw him? No matter what is done to/in that room can never make up for the screwing he gave this country. I would love to feed his corpse to the sharks.

DashboardBuddha February 7, 2011 at 8:27 pm

Why do you hate sharks?

GOPCrusher February 7, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Do you get a limo ride to his grave site so you can piss on it?

Radiotherapy February 7, 2011 at 4:05 pm

it's part of the "trickle down economics package."

ttommyunger February 7, 2011 at 7:05 pm

Tried that last summer, the line still stretches outside the Cemetery and around the block.

SayItWithWookies February 7, 2011 at 3:43 pm

You may be able to have sex where Ronnie did, but you still won't be able to spooj all over America like he did.

hagajim February 7, 2011 at 5:03 pm

The only way I could fuck Mr. Reagan's corpse is if it had been reanimated in St. Sarah and then it would be a total hatefuck.

GOPCrusher February 7, 2011 at 5:43 pm

You know, I wonder why there isn't a member of the Palin Hive named Reagan? For someone who professes her undying love of all things Reaganesque, I would have assumed that the first born male child would have been Reagan Palin.

zhubajie February 7, 2011 at 7:56 pm

The spelling was too hard!

Barrelhse February 7, 2011 at 5:08 pm

Perfect for teabagging.

DoktorZoom February 7, 2011 at 5:55 pm

Oh. I thought that said we could have sex where Reagan died, which I suppose would have a certain je ne sais quois.

FlownOver February 7, 2011 at 5:57 pm

So this minister was seriously into three-ways, eh?

MiniMencken February 7, 2011 at 7:17 pm

Like, totes, Home!

Steverino247 February 7, 2011 at 6:26 pm

Only one problem with this package. It's in fucking Riverside! Have you ever BEEN to Riverside? The air quality is so bad there most of the time that you'd need oxygen after foreplay!

WriteyWriterton February 7, 2011 at 10:55 pm

I generally need it before foreplay, but I'm an Old.

ttommyunger February 7, 2011 at 7:14 pm

I'm not known as a particularly discerning person when it comes to the act of love, nor have I a reputation for being squeamish or a prude; but including any Reagan, even the one in Playboy, in the mix is just too much. The simple thought of any of them would produce an instant soft-on which would probably take a blowjob from Sarah Palin to undo.
Say, I'm getting a hate-powered chubby just thinking about it! The best part: she can't speak.

zhubajie February 7, 2011 at 7:57 pm

Not for me!

EatsBabyDingos February 7, 2011 at 8:12 pm

"Can Have Sex Where Ronald Reagan Did"

I did not know that the United States of America has a specific anus, which would seem to be required for Ronnie to fuck all of us in the ass.

Gleem_McShineys February 7, 2011 at 8:16 pm

If you are talking to your average male Wonkette poster? Probably not.

Republicans? That's foreplay.
Teabaggers, on the other hand… you're talking "early finish"

Redhead February 7, 2011 at 11:10 pm

I thought the 'baggers were too fat for sex. Please, if I'm wrong, don't correct me – I'm all out of eyeball bleach after Ken posted that video of Bristol's house.

EatsBabyDingos February 7, 2011 at 8:34 pm

Ooooo my bad. "Specific Anus" must be either Beck or Limbaugh

MiniMencken February 7, 2011 at 8:44 pm

OMFG! Nixon AND Reagan honeymooned at the Mission Inn! Their Website tells me so. I'm so glad we used to pilfer bottles of wine from the little barroom where Dick and Pat said "I do" before going upstairs to the hymeneal dungeon keep. Good times, good times…

Barrelhse February 7, 2011 at 10:17 pm

No. And, indeed, that was my first thought as well. also

WriteyWriterton February 7, 2011 at 10:56 pm

I don't think it's even possible to maintain the Platonic essence of an erection, while thinking about Reagan having sex.

4TheTurnstiles February 8, 2011 at 8:25 am

And all this time I'd thought Reagan was a homo. Guess he was completely hetero after all… Ted Haggart hetero…

horsedreamer_1 February 8, 2011 at 9:12 am

Alhambra Suite? Suspiciously Musliny. Would explain the arms-for-hostages, though.

CREEPING! SHARIIIIIIIIIIIIIA!

MinAgain February 8, 2011 at 10:40 am

I hope they've changed the sheets since then.

Madcabbie February 8, 2011 at 4:13 pm

I heard Reagan is in hell jerking off to Joan River's reality tv show!
http://dccabbie.blogspot.com/2011/02/mad-reporter

prommie February 9, 2011 at 10:28 am

Would that be "In the butt," Bob?

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: