new judy blumes

It Would Appear There Is a Bristol Palin Memoir

Buy it to get the Super Saver on your next condom order!
And then it came to this: “Bristol Palin (Author)”

How could you do such a thing, parenthesis? You’ve betrayed the English language. You too, the word “author.”

Anyway, this book is untitled, because it’s hard to sum up such a long, meaningful, event-filled life in just a few words. But we will try to help Bristol out. Here are a few suggestions:

War and Peace 2

Speaking GED To Power

Like That Time John McCain Got Captured In Vietnam, But With Some Teenage Hockey Player’s Penis

A Life Well Lived, With Some Details of Nelson Mandela’s Life To Fill This Thing Out To 304 Pages


Dancing With the Czars: Some Additional Bizarre Things My Mom’s Ghostwriter Thinks That Isn’t Worth Putting On Her Twitter

Having Sex: The Wildly Profitable Bad Decision

Are You There God? I’m Trying To Sign My Baby Up For An Endorsement Deal

Pre-order now! She’s probably great at writing, we bet. (Author) [Amazon via Wonkette operative chascates]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
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Hola wonkerados.

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    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Meh. Ju$t don't read anything by the Palin Family gho$t writer. You know they're all going to have their own book $omeday.

      That whole Todd-And-The-Hooker$ thing? Just a dodge to rai$e future $ales figure$.

  1. SmutBoffin

    Following her mother's illiterate screeds, this book will be like the second hijacked plane crashing into the twin towers of American letters.



    1. Extemporanus™

      By B.J. Palin.

      (This was my title, too. My p-ness weeps sad little tears of jealousy — well done.)

  2. MildMidwesterner

    War and Peace is the wrong Tolstoy reference, Jack. I believe you were looking for, "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."

    1. ulTIMum

      Yes, from the one that's described in a blurb thus: "A countess, upon losing her position in society, decides she must undergo extensive training."

  3. DaSandman

    An abstract of the text of the author's first work:

    "Fuck me Levi, Fuck me Jason, Fuck me Mahmoud, uh uh uh uh…"

    More meth anyone?

  4. BaldarTFlagass

    She's what, 20? Oughta be up there with those other famous thin books, like French Military Victories.

      1. ulTIMum

        Lessons learned differ although the instruction never varies.

        The world was watching in 1938 as Il Dousche sent his mechanized division west in support of his fascist friend Franco. The unit was immediately pinned down by a couple of Basque herders in the Pyrenees. The French learned from the episode the utter uselessness of tracked artillery in combat. The Germans learned from the same event the utter uselessness of Italians in combat.

        1. DustBowlBlues

          No! Not WWII history. This is like listening to my husband. Porn or WWII history. Are those the only things men ever think of?

          1. WriteyWriterton

            We also think of porn and WWII history, but, after that, we got nothing. Except more porn. Also. Too.

          2. ulTIMum

            Statistics and 9 out of 10 doctors prove there are no better alternatives to either retard orgasm or make it possible. The Battle of the Bulge in particular is a popular 'event extender,' as they say.

  5. samsuncle

    “Bristol Palin (Author)” definately a sign that the end time is near. It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine (apologies to REM).

  6. DustBowlBlues

    [applause] because that's the only way she'll ever get any.

    Seriously–I'm not published, and she is? Maybe I'll just wander into the next blizzard (where is this, fucking Montana?). What am I saying? Also, I'm not going to freeze my ass off because of this inconsequential little bitch.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      You need to get up and shake your big maternal ass on Dancing with the Stars before your story is publishable, silly.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Yeah, but that was already the gimmick used to hawk Mother Stoopid's (don't want to use the real name and risk being sued) book. How many Newmax subscriptions can the retards buy? Don' they already have two or three?

  7. CapnFatback

    Well, she's already gotten pregnant as a teen and danced on television in a gorilla suit, so this was the logical next step. It worked for Joan Didion.

  8. SmutBoffin

    It's a good thing they put '(author)' in there. We wouldn't want anyone to get confused and think that maybe Bristol in fact edited a volume of, I dunno, Queer short fiction or something.

      1. mereoblivion

        Picture you upon my knee
        Just pee pour vous
        And two more pee
        I upfist you
        You upfist me
        Oui oui!

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I accidentally left-clicked on a p-score and was surprised to find a pop-up box that call the p-score the "reputation meter." By IntenseDebate's scale, we're all pretty awesome here.

        1. DustBowlBlues

          Have you read the book already? That's a piece of dialogue from Levi to his hockey pals. I thought this part of the thread was about peeing, but evidently it's about leaking.

    2. jim89048

      But how many beerfart troll "followers" do you have? And why do they think that "following" me/you/whoever will have any impact on my/your/our lives?

      1. DustBowlBlues

        They give the wonkeratti a thumbs down, and fuckup the pees. When they appear, I try to never reply to them and always give them a thumbs down. As 1039403984032 said above, this is hard work. Time to take a coffee break and bite into a Spudnut. Also. [applause]

    3. smokefilledroommate

      I'm struggling to get one hundred two pees–only then will I be 'awesome'. I'll pee on you if you pee on me! Pee party!

    4. SorosBot

      I'm surprised that you, one of the more active and beloved commenters here, haven't reached the dark green level yet.

  9. jrients

    Everyone with a half-penned novel or even an unwritten idea for a book should take inspiration from Ms. Palin that you, too, can hire a ghost writer.

  10. PsycWench

    OK Amazon: the book's not titled, it hasn't been released, in all likelihood it hasn't been written at all, but you know how much you're charging for it. This seems odd.

    1. KochFembot

      They had to decide on the list price right away so the wingnut welfare pre-orders could go through.

      1. OhNoGuy

        The American Enterprise Institute or the Heritage Foundation will take care of that. For the public good, doan cha no.

  11. Tommmcatt

    Maybe it will be like "The Story of O", only with more ostensible christ-y-ness and slightly less butsecks.

    1. zhubajie

      We're not going to leave the sort of artistic legacy that Florence or Venice did, that's for sure.

  12. Eve8Apples

    The bag of rotting, leftover salad mix in the bottom of my refrigerator has done more to warrant a memoir than anyone named "Palin."

    1. Boredw/Gravity

      If Amazon can sell a book that hasn't been written, you can write a review for it. And that's one review I want to read.

  13. baconzgood

    Hemingway, Poe, Faulkner, Wolfe (Virginia, Tobias, or Tom), Gunther Grass, Fyodor Dostoevsky, Jim Joyce, Samuel Beckett, Tom Stoppard. THEY ALL PAL(IN)E IN COMPARISON.

    They were just "Authors" and "Writers". Bristol needs a "()" when she scrawls stuff to tell us she is an author. The "()" makes her important.

  14. undeterredbyreality

    The movie: "Pregnant" based on the novel "Laid" by Bristol(tm). (Episode 537 of the "Young, Dumb and Full of Cum" Series, produced by Larry Flynt Enterprises.)

    1. SmutBoffin


  15. SorosBot

    This tale will prove to be an even greater epic work of literature than the also-upcoming memoirs of Justin Bieber.

  16. genxr

    This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon, they'll have finished the greatest novel known to man.

    All right, let's see… "It was the best of times, it was the BLURST of times?" You stupid monkey.

    1. user-of-owls

      Legions of social scientists are weeping at trying to disentangle the nurture or nature question in this particular tribe. The horror, the horror.

  17. EatsBabyDingos

    "Dumb for Dummies"
    "Piggley Wiggly"
    "Why Farting in a Mud Puddle is Like a Bubble Bath"
    "Rotting Dildo, Creeping Sewage"

  18. MistaEko

    Infinite Jest 2 (Equally Frustrating but Shorter!)
    A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Shamelessness
    The Brief Wonderous Life of Tripp Notastageprop
    Eat Pray Have the damn thing anyway and mooch off name recognition
    Grifting for Dummies

  19. hagajim

    "Catcher of his Rye (Seed)"
    or maybe
    "Levi Shrugged"
    or in the self-help category
    "Becoming a Famewhore for Dummies"

  20. MsElla

    The Kindle version will have the following Kindle Extras;

    Detailed photo of Bristol's tramp stamp! Take your Kindle to your favorite tattoo artist to get one just like it!

    Diagram showing how Bristol applies her blue eyeshadow, using Avon's Denim Blues Quad.

    Text of Bristol's inspirational lecture called "Only in America: Knocked Up on Monday, Dancing to the Bank on Friday."

  21. user-of-owls

    Things Fall Apart

    Oh, and my sources tell me the forthcoming unauthorized biography of her mother will be called Heart of Darkness.

  22. GeneralLerong

    It's a plot! If you want to trademark your name, then you have to do something commercial or whatever with it? So just "write" something in the same way your mom did. Then you get your trademark and persecute all those mean bloggers who think you're an asshole. Literally.

  23. Sassomatic

    This just proves to me that this entire country has a raging case of memoir diarrhea. This is like the yellow bile liquid kind.

  24. HolyMaracas

    Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (that don't fit me anymore)

    w/ co-authors Pillow and Wiper Palin.

  25. mereoblivion

    Much Ado About Huffing. King Leer. The Harlot Letter. Great Sexpectations. A Farewell to Charm. (Whatever, I got dibs on the Cliff' Notes.)

  26. MrsBiggTime

    My impression of memoirs was that they are written as one looks back at a career or life well spent, or perhaps just before dying (see "Lifetime Achievement Award). Now I can add "did it in the back of an F10 pickup and Mama made me famous!"

    1. Redhead

      Either that or after something big and life changing (like going through rehab and getting sober – there seem to be a bunch of those kinds of memoirs).

  27. JustPixelz

    Bristol Palin™ could have a lot in interesting things to say about Sarah Palin™. Or tell us about First Dude™ and his hott honey Shailey Tripp™.

    Chapter one : "My Mother the Star"
    Mom's screeching voice almost made me go back to high school to hear fingers on the blackboard. I was feeling a little nauseous anyway and that put me over the edge. Later I learned I actually had "morning sickness" which is caused by sperm. But that day I was still "in the dark".

    When my dad got home that morning, I told him about my "episode". He laughed kinda loud and said "If yer knocked up, name the kid Tripp. I like that name." He was in a good mood.

    1. MrsBiggTime

      Chapter Two:
      It was about that time Daddy hurt his back and started seeing his massage therapist.

      {portions embargoed until they are written}

      I just love a happy ending!

  28. Barbara_i

    Horton Hears a Ho.
    The Lying, the Witch and the DNC Wardrobe.
    Valley of the Dulls.
    Battle Hymen of the Trigger Mother

  29. Boredw/Gravity

    You just know that the opening line will hands-down win the Bulwer-Lytton competition this year.

  30. doxastic

    I've met a lot of teenagers and even was one myself. And I am sure as fuck that they do not have a book's worth of interesting things to say. Even the ones without troglodytes for mothers.

  31. ulTIMum

    Yeah, well, I heard it's pitching a show for the Cooking channel all about carving caribou and has the catchy title: THE GREAT FILET SHOW – Modern Abstinence in the Kitchen.

  32. problemwithcaring

    It was some hard ass working times, and then there were some lazy ass faggot times, there, also.

  33. SenileAgitation

    A Mumu for the Misbegotten
    Chapter 1
    "What of it?", I replied angrily. The dopey screener from Senator Macgregor's or whatever's campaign had been hassling me all frigging morning about Mom's retard baby and the picture Levi posted of them together after swimming or something wearing hardly anything. Over and over the nerdy creep kept asking the same thing but saying it different like I would ever rat out Mom or Dad or Levi. We are close, and that's what America means to me: a place of being close, where clothes don't have to always fit how they did last week and sharing love means not being afraid to share everything. People outside maybe don't understand, but fuck them, you know? They haven't lived what I have, and haven't seen the things I have late at night when people think I'm asleep.

  34. FlyOverGirl

    Oh, I adore the Wonketters who added the following tags on Amazon:

    Crayons Not Included.
    Endless Madlibs Possibilities .
    Baby Makers .
    Joke .
    Narcissism .
    Tripp out man.

  35. Numbat_Dundee

    IT is a truth universally acknowledged, that a teenage hockey player in possession of a penis must be in want of a condom.

  36. OldRedneck

    OMFG!!! Ya' know — sometimes I encounter something that is so goddammuthafukin stupid, all I can do in reaction is bang my head into the desk over and over and over . . .

    1. SorosBot

      Replace "people" with "right-wing organizations who want to artificially get the book on the NYT Bestseller List", and yes, they will.

  37. Ancient_Hacker

    From Here To Maternity

    The Levi, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.

    Two ways to make a Million Dollars, $25.99 at a time.

  38. Joey_Ratz

    A Farewell To Charms.
    The Treasure Of Wasilla Madre.
    The 'Tard Inside Me.
    Paradise Lost By Dashboard Light.

    A Steinbeck-style social realism, write-as-they-speak format might suit her well.

    Travels With Trig Tripp In Search Of America
    Of Mice And Men Also

    Still, I'll wait until the audiobook comes out, narrated by mommy Sarah.

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