It Would Appear There Is a Bristol Palin Memoir

by Jack Stuef 1:48 pm February 7, 2011

Buy it to get the Super Saver on your next condom order!
And then it came to this: “Bristol Palin (Author)”

How could you do such a thing, parenthesis? You’ve betrayed the English language. You too, the word “author.”

Anyway, this book is untitled, because it’s hard to sum up such a long, meaningful, event-filled life in just a few words. But we will try to help Bristol out. Here are a few suggestions:

War and Peace 2

Speaking GED To Power

Like That Time John McCain Got Captured In Vietnam, But With Some Teenage Hockey Player’s Penis

A Life Well Lived, With Some Details of Nelson Mandela’s Life To Fill This Thing Out To 304 Pages

Hatchet

Dancing With the Czars: Some Additional Bizarre Things My Mom’s Ghostwriter Thinks That Isn’t Worth Putting On Her Twitter

Having Sex: The Wildly Profitable Bad Decision

Are You There God? I’m Trying To Sign My Baby Up For An Endorsement Deal

Pre-order now! She’s probably great at writing, we bet. (Author) [Amazon via Wonkette operative chascates]

270 comments 11911 Views

{ 270 comments }

MrsBiggTime February 7, 2011 at 1:50 pm

If she publishes a memoir, I promise never to read anything, ever again. And not.

Lascauxcaveman February 7, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Meh. Ju$t don't read anything by the Palin Family gho$t writer. You know they're all going to have their own book $omeday.

That whole Todd-And-The-Hooker$ thing? Just a dodge to rai$e future $ales figure$.

MrsBiggTime February 7, 2011 at 2:18 pm: Normally I'd dism$$ a conspiracy theory out of hand, but methink$ you're on to $omething.

SmutBoffin February 7, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Following her mother's illiterate screeds, this book will be like the second hijacked plane crashing into the twin towers of American letters.

2/7/11

NEVER FORGET

JustPixelz February 7, 2011 at 2:23 pm: verb, noun, 2/7?

YasserArraFeck February 7, 2011 at 1:53 pm

How much "memoir" can you write on your palm with a Sharpee?

jodyleek February 7, 2011 at 2:15 pm: All of it.

SudsMcKenzie February 7, 2011 at 1:53 pm

The Young Man and his Seed

chascates February 7, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Preface to a Twenty Volume Suicide Note

Zvi_Bleindmeis February 7, 2011 at 1:54 pm

If I "Did It"

Prizepig February 7, 2011 at 2:00 pm: Nailed it!
Extemporanus™ February 7, 2011 at 2:36 pm: By B.J. Palin.

(This was my title, too. My p-ness weeps sad little tears of jealousy — well done.)

MildMidwesterner February 7, 2011 at 1:54 pm

War and Peace is the wrong Tolstoy reference, Jack. I believe you were looking for, "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."

emmelemm February 7, 2011 at 3:11 pm: I love you for that. That quote NEVER fails, never gets old. Because it's true.
ulTIMum February 7, 2011 at 3:19 pm: Yes, from the one that's described in a blurb thus: "A countess, upon losing her position in society, decides she must undergo extensive training."
Toomush_Infer February 7, 2011 at 5:07 pm: " Happy families are all alike; then there are the Aristocrats!"

Oblios_Cap February 7, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Coming to remainder bin near you, soon. Really soon.

Lascauxcaveman February 7, 2011 at 2:07 pm: It doesn't exist, yet it's already been discounted by eight bucks.
SayItWithWookies February 7, 2011 at 3:45 pm: It's the only book in publishing history that's going straight to DVD.
OhNoGuy February 7, 2011 at 9:56 pm: Truly, this is "pulp" fiction.

FlownOver February 7, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Is there an app that keeps Teh Stoopid off my iPad? Something like TrampBlocker? I'm off to the App Store to check.

DustBowlBlues February 7, 2011 at 4:39 pm: I'm replying because this too clever for nothing but a thumb job.
OhNoGuy February 7, 2011 at 9:57 pm: Look under "slut stopper".

DaSandman February 7, 2011 at 1:55 pm

An abstract of the text of the author's first work:

"Fuck me Levi, Fuck me Jason, Fuck me Mahmoud, uh uh uh uh…"

More meth anyone?

zhubajie February 7, 2011 at 8:09 pm

Is there a movie coming?

WriteyWriterton February 7, 2011 at 10:30 pm: I'm sorry, what? "…a movie coming"? No "about" in there?

BaldarTFlagass February 7, 2011 at 1:56 pm

She's what, 20? Oughta be up there with those other famous thin books, like French Military Victories.

Fare la Volpe February 7, 2011 at 2:29 pm

Yeah, those Napoleon and Charlemagne guys were such losers.

ulTIMum February 7, 2011 at 3:28 pm

Lessons learned differ although the instruction never varies.

The world was watching in 1938 as Il Dousche sent his mechanized division west in support of his fascist friend Franco. The unit was immediately pinned down by a couple of Basque herders in the Pyrenees. The French learned from the episode the utter uselessness of tracked artillery in combat. The Germans learned from the same event the utter uselessness of Italians in combat.

DustBowlBlues February 7, 2011 at 4:41 pm

No! Not WWII history. This is like listening to my husband. Porn or WWII history. Are those the only things men ever think of?

zhubajie February 7, 2011 at 8:10 pm: You need to meet a greater variety, I'm afraid!
WriteyWriterton February 7, 2011 at 10:32 pm: We also think of porn and WWII history, but, after that, we got nothing. Except more porn. Also. Too.
ulTIMum February 8, 2011 at 10:53 am: Statistics and 9 out of 10 doctors prove there are no better alternatives to either retard orgasm or make it possible. The Battle of the Bulge in particular is a popular 'event extender,' as they say.

Maryrc210 February 7, 2011 at 4:37 pm

And that Joan of Arc — no-one ever wrote about her.

petehammer February 7, 2011 at 3:11 pm

or "Honorable, Heterosexual Republicans: From 1900-Present" by Mark Foley (26 pages)

emmelemm February 7, 2011 at 3:12 pm

How the hell did it fill 26 pages?

And, oh shit, PUN TIME.

SorosBot February 7, 2011 at 3:18 pm

Chapter 1: Dwight Eisenhower. There is no chapter 2.

petehammer February 7, 2011 at 4:15 pm: There are also 10 pages of B&W photos.

WhatTheHeck February 7, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Baldar, Just one note. William the Conqueror. Battle of Hastings.

Veritas78 February 7, 2011 at 5:49 pm

…and Fine Jewish Cuisine. Or Southern States Worth Visiting.

WriteyWriterton February 7, 2011 at 10:33 pm: "Insights of George W. Bush" "A Moral History of Henry Kissinger"

imissopus February 7, 2011 at 9:39 pm

Famous Jewish Sports Legends

SorosBot February 7, 2011 at 11:21 pm

Sandy Koufax, and um… OK, pretty much just Sandy Koufax.

imissopus February 8, 2011 at 12:54 am: Hank Greenberg.

DaSandman February 7, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Or "Dick like a Wheel"

BaldarTFlagass February 7, 2011 at 2:04 pm: I hope it's not a pop-up book.

Oblios_Cap February 7, 2011 at 1:56 pm

That title doesn't have a ™ by Bristol's name. I smell a lawsuit!

samsuncle February 7, 2011 at 1:56 pm

“Bristol Palin (Author)” definately a sign that the end time is near. It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine (apologies to REM).

emmelemm February 7, 2011 at 3:12 pm: Really? I feel like shit.

DaSandman February 7, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Or "My Life in Cock"

petehammer February 7, 2011 at 3:11 pm: Only one?

Gleem_McShineys February 7, 2011 at 1:57 pm

It's like putting lipstick on a pitbull's babymaking parts.
Parenthesis (Spudnuts)

widestanceroman February 7, 2011 at 1:57 pm

"If I Do Anything"

DustBowlBlues February 7, 2011 at 1:57 pm

[applause] because that's the only way she'll ever get any.

Seriously–I'm not published, and she is? Maybe I'll just wander into the next blizzard (where is this, fucking Montana?). What am I saying? Also, I'm not going to freeze my ass off because of this inconsequential little bitch.

Lascauxcaveman February 7, 2011 at 2:11 pm

You need to get up and shake your big maternal ass on Dancing with the Stars before your story is publishable, silly.

mereoblivion February 7, 2011 at 2:31 pm: 'Cause Bristol's liv-ing in a maternal world
And she is a maternal girl

DerrickWildcat February 7, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Three Free copies with a subscription to the News Max website.

DustBowlBlues February 7, 2011 at 2:09 pm: Yeah, but that was already the gimmick used to hawk Mother Stoopid's (don't want to use the real name and risk being sued) book. How many Newmax subscriptions can the retards buy? Don' they already have two or three?

CapnFatback February 7, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Well, she's already gotten pregnant as a teen and danced on television in a gorilla suit, so this was the logical next step. It worked for Joan Didion.

Sharkey February 7, 2011 at 2:30 pm: Gorilla in your Midst
not that Dewey February 7, 2011 at 2:43 pm: The White Trash Album

SmutBoffin February 7, 2011 at 1:58 pm

It's a good thing they put '(author)' in there. We wouldn't want anyone to get confused and think that maybe Bristol in fact edited a volume of, I dunno, Queer short fiction or something.

not that Dewey February 7, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Profiles in Whoreage

SheriffRoscoe February 7, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Fucking WIN.

WriteyWriterton February 7, 2011 at 10:36 pm: Totes.

DustBowlBlues February 7, 2011 at 1:59 pm

I'm almost a hundred pees. I hope that troll stays clear of my peeing.

SmutBoffin February 7, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Happy to help! PEE POUR VOUS.

chickensmack February 7, 2011 at 2:33 pm: I peed on both of you.
mereoblivion February 7, 2011 at 2:37 pm: Picture you upon my knee
Just pee pour vous
And two more pee
I upfist you
You upfist me
Oui oui!

BaldarTFlagass February 7, 2011 at 2:03 pm

I accidentally left-clicked on a p-score and was surprised to find a pop-up box that call the p-score the "reputation meter." By IntenseDebate's scale, we're all pretty awesome here.

ifthethunderdontgetya February 7, 2011 at 2:07 pm

I just know I'm happy whenever my p-ness gets bigger.
~

DustBowlBlues February 7, 2011 at 2:35 pm: Have you read the book already? That's a piece of dialogue from Levi to his hockey pals. I thought this part of the thread was about peeing, but evidently it's about leaking.
BaldarTFlagass February 7, 2011 at 2:48 pm: I can forward you some emails promising just that.

DustBowlBlues February 7, 2011 at 2:11 pm

I think so.

Oblios_Cap February 7, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Yeah, you are! You are past "Awesome" on the scale.

Legendary!

102415 February 7, 2011 at 2:22 pm

Good luck to you! This is hard work!

jim89048 February 7, 2011 at 2:24 pm

But how many beerfart troll "followers" do you have? And why do they think that "following" me/you/whoever will have any impact on my/your/our lives?

DustBowlBlues February 7, 2011 at 2:38 pm

They give the wonkeratti a thumbs down, and fuckup the pees. When they appear, I try to never reply to them and always give them a thumbs down. As 1039403984032 said above, this is hard work. Time to take a coffee break and bite into a Spudnut. Also. [applause]

trampndirtdown February 7, 2011 at 11:36 pm: Trying to help out.

smokefilledroommate February 7, 2011 at 2:29 pm

I'm struggling to get one hundred two pees–only then will I be 'awesome'. I'll pee on you if you pee on me! Pee party!

OhNoGuy February 7, 2011 at 10:08 pm: Showered with praise?

SorosBot February 7, 2011 at 2:34 pm

I'm surprised that you, one of the more active and beloved commenters here, haven't reached the dark green level yet.

BaldarTFlagass February 7, 2011 at 2:50 pm

Bring on the asparagus.

emmelemm February 7, 2011 at 3:14 pm: Ewwww!
smokefilledroommate February 7, 2011 at 3:46 pm: It's just a pee party– not a deliberately smelly pee party… Sheesh, you people..

KochFembot February 7, 2011 at 2:44 pm

I hate it when the trolls come through and touch my p-ness.

WriteyWriterton February 7, 2011 at 10:37 pm: Show us on the doll where the trolls touched you. No, the other doll.

Mumbletypeg February 7, 2011 at 3:05 pm

Alas, I never cared for frozen pees; but where I'm stuck appears to be permanent.

cheaphits February 7, 2011 at 4:25 pm

More well deserved pee to all of you!

chascates February 7, 2011 at 7:43 pm

I'm going to go back and pee on all of your posts!

ManchuCandidate February 7, 2011 at 2:01 pm

"Shaking My Baby/Money Maker. The Bristol Palin Way."

smokefilledroommate February 7, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Retardation Celebration: A Memoir
by Bristol Palin™

SmutBoffin February 7, 2011 at 2:05 pm

NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO PUT IN YOUR TWO WEEKS GREER

smokefilledroommate February 7, 2011 at 2:18 pm: Seriously, can you imagine having that job? Ugh… *gives props*

undeterredbyreality February 7, 2011 at 2:01 pm

The Young Slut and the Seed

cheaphits February 7, 2011 at 4:31 pm: Or "The Story of "B"

jrients February 7, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Everyone with a half-penned novel or even an unwritten idea for a book should take inspiration from Ms. Palin that you, too, can hire a ghost writer.

PsycWench February 7, 2011 at 2:02 pm

OK Amazon: the book's not titled, it hasn't been released, in all likelihood it hasn't been written at all, but you know how much you're charging for it. This seems odd.

DeeJayKitteh February 7, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Whatever it is, it's too much.

KochFembot February 7, 2011 at 2:46 pm

They had to decide on the list price right away so the wingnut welfare pre-orders could go through.

GOPCrusher February 7, 2011 at 3:12 pm

I can only hope that some publisher has not given her an advance to write her memoirs.

OhNoGuy February 7, 2011 at 10:13 pm: The American Enterprise Institute or the Heritage Foundation will take care of that. For the public good, doan cha no.

Gunner Asch February 7, 2011 at 3:44 pm

I think we're getting punked and the ad was submitted by somebody from Wonkette.

ifthethunderdontgetya February 7, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Untitled Bristol Palin Memoir is the title of the book, Jack.

She/they forgot to name it.
~

Ducksworthy February 7, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Or didn't bother. Too much trouble.

FNMA February 7, 2011 at 2:33 pm

She wanted to call it "Trig," but that was taken.

SorosBot February 7, 2011 at 3:02 pm: It was trademarked.

whiterabid February 7, 2011 at 3:33 pm

Maybe it is titled, Name this Book.

Tommmcatt February 7, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Maybe it will be like "The Story of O", only with more ostensible christ-y-ness and slightly less butsecks.

assistantatlas February 7, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Man, the death of American arts and letters is even more depressing than I thought it'd be.

zhubajie February 7, 2011 at 8:12 pm: We're not going to leave the sort of artistic legacy that Florence or Venice did, that's for sure.
OhNoGuy February 7, 2011 at 10:14 pm: This is just the death of the coloring book.

Eve8Apples February 7, 2011 at 2:03 pm

The bag of rotting, leftover salad mix in the bottom of my refrigerator has done more to warrant a memoir than anyone named "Palin."

mereoblivion February 7, 2011 at 2:42 pm: The bag of rotting, leftover salad mix in the bottom of my refrigerator is named "Palin."

aguacatero February 7, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Ignorance is Illuminated

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] February 7, 2011 at 2:04 pm

I'll have my ghostreader skim it for me.

samsuncle February 7, 2011 at 2:04 pm

"It's not about the money. Really".

x111e7thst February 7, 2011 at 2:05 pm

"How I got my Halibut Clubbed" by Bristol "Bits" Palin.

LesPaultard February 7, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Hatchet?
She would not survive the moose.

OhNoGuy February 7, 2011 at 10:16 pm: Hatchet?
How long does she have to sit on it?

nounverb911 February 7, 2011 at 2:05 pm

"The Best of Wasilla: Recipes From My Favorite Wasilla Meth Labs"

Oblios_Cap February 7, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Mercede Johnson is a Playboy-Posing Slut"

Complete w/ pop-up titties!

mereoblivion February 7, 2011 at 2:43 pm

Compared to the Palin skanx, Mercede is Venus in fucking blue jeans (or out of them).

jim89048 February 7, 2011 at 3:01 pm: ♪♫Mona Lisa with a pony tail♪♫

LocalGirlMakesGoo February 7, 2011 at 2:05 pm

My Life As A Dog

DeeJayKitteh February 7, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Bristol Palin: The Story of a Hard Ass Worker

court5346 February 7, 2011 at 2:45 pm: soft ass is more like it

JimmyCarlBlack February 7, 2011 at 2:06 pm

"I Am Abstinence (And So Can You)"

bflrtsplk February 7, 2011 at 2:07 pm

If you're gonna write a "memoir," don't you at least need a memory?

Monsieur_Grumpe February 7, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Can you write reviews for books that haven't been written yet? I have one ready to go.

Boredw/Gravity February 7, 2011 at 3:10 pm: If Amazon can sell a book that hasn't been written, you can write a review for it. And that's one review I want to read.

baconzgood February 7, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Hemingway, Poe, Faulkner, Wolfe (Virginia, Tobias, or Tom), Gunther Grass, Fyodor Dostoevsky, Jim Joyce, Samuel Beckett, Tom Stoppard. THEY ALL PAL(IN)E IN COMPARISON.

They were just "Authors" and "Writers". Bristol needs a "()" when she scrawls stuff to tell us she is an author. The "()" makes her important.

mavenmaven February 7, 2011 at 2:20 pm

The () is her entire story *blush*

baconzgood February 7, 2011 at 2:23 pm: Damn! BLOOD LIBEL!!!!
baconzgood February 7, 2011 at 3:31 pm: Tee-Hee

"()"

Ducksworthy February 7, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Glad to see you're also a fan of War and Peas.

undeterredbyreality February 7, 2011 at 2:09 pm

The movie: "Pregnant" based on the novel "Laid" by Bristol(tm). (Episode 537 of the "Young, Dumb and Full of Cum" Series, produced by Larry Flynt Enterprises.)

MrsBiggTime February 7, 2011 at 3:04 pm: Chapter 4. Life's choices: Spit or swallow?

bumfug February 7, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Not so much Kindle, more like kindling.

mereoblivion February 7, 2011 at 2:45 pm

Not so much Nook, more like Nookie.

jim89048 February 7, 2011 at 3:02 pm

As in NaNookie of the North?

mereoblivion February 7, 2011 at 3:32 pm: Wow. Just, Wow.

SheriffRoscoe February 7, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Madame Ovary

SmutBoffin February 7, 2011 at 2:22 pm

WIN OF THE MORNING
WIN OF THE MORNING
WIN OF THE MORNING
WIN OF THE MORNING
WIN OF THE MORNING
WIN OF THE MORNING

mourningnmerica February 7, 2011 at 2:39 pm

Best.

not that Dewey February 7, 2011 at 2:40 pm

A tidy win, Sheriff.

SheriffRoscoe February 7, 2011 at 2:46 pm: Back atcha. "Profiles In Whoreage" gave me the lulz.

teebob2000 February 7, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Or, as she would probably say it, "mem-o-ear".

SorosBot February 7, 2011 at 2:13 pm

This tale will prove to be an even greater epic work of literature than the also-upcoming memoirs of Justin Bieber.

baconzgood February 7, 2011 at 2:14 pm

"I can see ghostwriting from my house"

WriteyWriterton February 7, 2011 at 10:42 pm: McGinnis moves in next door, and she's writing a book. Coincidence? I think not!

PalinPussyPower February 7, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Too much work, Bristol. Try prostitution. Less fancy words and probably the same salary.

zhubajie February 7, 2011 at 8:15 pm: She can apprentice with Shailey Tripp!

Rosie_Scenario February 7, 2011 at 2:14 pm

"My son, Trig. I mean Tripp"

problemwithcaring February 7, 2011 at 3:58 pm: Trig's memoir: "My Two Mommies"

dr_giraud February 7, 2011 at 2:15 pm

"A screaming came across the sky. It was Levi's mom on the snowmashine, bringing the meth."

SudsMcKenzie February 7, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Eat, Flame, Fuck

OhNoGuy February 7, 2011 at 10:03 pm: Now there's a chick flic I'd go see. Alone.

genxr February 7, 2011 at 2:16 pm

This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon, they'll have finished the greatest novel known to man.

All right, let's see… "It was the best of times, it was the BLURST of times?" You stupid monkey.

crybabyboehner February 7, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Everything she has to say is written on her tramp stamp.

SmutBoffin February 7, 2011 at 2:22 pm

"I aim to please…you aim too, please."

bitchincamaro2 February 7, 2011 at 2:32 pm: "Place 6-pack here"

Terry February 7, 2011 at 2:39 pm

Her tramp stamp probably includes a buck stamp, making it the epicenter of trailer trashiness.

refudiatedness February 7, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Less than Less than Zero

DerrickWildcat February 7, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Fuck'n 'n Dancin'

mereoblivion February 7, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Proust in a hot tub!

Lascauxcaveman February 7, 2011 at 2:31 pm: With Cool-Ranch Doritos® as Bristol's madeleines.

tiredalways February 7, 2011 at 2:19 pm

"It sucks, Canard" and btw, also, too

Fare la Volpe February 7, 2011 at 2:21 pm

Compelling evidence that venality is genetic.

user-of-owls February 7, 2011 at 2:35 pm: Legions of social scientists are weeping at trying to disentangle the nurture or nature question in this particular tribe. The horror, the horror.

mavenmaven February 7, 2011 at 2:22 pm

Scary Prediction: Amazon will correct this post to "Untitled Bristol Palin Memoir I"

EatsBabyDingos February 7, 2011 at 2:23 pm

"Dumb for Dummies"
"Piggley Wiggly"
"Why Farting in a Mud Puddle is Like a Bubble Bath"
"Preamble"
"Rotting Dildo, Creeping Sewage"

straighteight February 7, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Do It in the Butt and Other Tips for Teens

SorosBot February 7, 2011 at 2:23 pm

How to make hypocritical narcissism work for fun and profit.

nappyduggs February 7, 2011 at 2:24 pm

The Inuit in the Cupboard: Is That Where I Put Trig This Time?

Come here a minute February 7, 2011 at 2:24 pm

Don't miss the book tour — first stop is Wash U.

Extemporanus™ February 7, 2011 at 2:24 pm

If Bristol goes with Jack's "Dancing with the Czars" suggestion, I've got the cover art all lined up!

(Why do I still have that?)

MistaEko February 7, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Infinite Jest 2 (Equally Frustrating but Shorter!)
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Shamelessness
The Brief Wonderous Life of Tripp Notastageprop
Eat Pray Have the damn thing anyway and mooch off name recognition
Grifting for Dummies

bitchincamaro2 February 7, 2011 at 2:27 pm

To be serialized on the new and improved AOL-HuffPo, fer sher.

Barbara_i February 7, 2011 at 2:28 pm

The Girl Who Kicked the Horney Nest.

DashboardBuddha February 7, 2011 at 2:28 pm

America by Tart

chickensmack February 7, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Up Yours, Washington University: I'll Make Money This Way

hagajim February 7, 2011 at 2:30 pm

"Catcher of his Rye (Seed)"
or maybe
"Levi Shrugged"
or in the self-help category
"Becoming a Famewhore for Dummies"

MsElla February 7, 2011 at 2:32 pm

The Kindle version will have the following Kindle Extras;

Detailed photo of Bristol's tramp stamp! Take your Kindle to your favorite tattoo artist to get one just like it!

Diagram showing how Bristol applies her blue eyeshadow, using Avon's Denim Blues Quad.

Text of Bristol's inspirational lecture called "Only in America: Knocked Up on Monday, Dancing to the Bank on Friday."

jim89048 February 7, 2011 at 2:33 pm

"T²"

genxr February 7, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Me Talk Pretty One Day (Or Maybe Not)

smokefilledroommate February 7, 2011 at 4:55 pm: Pregnancy on Ice

Terry February 7, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Staying true to her genetic heritage, Bristol will make this book all about payback time.

user-of-owls February 7, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Things Fall Apart

Oh, and my sources tell me the forthcoming unauthorized biography of her mother will be called Heart of Darkness.

ChurchofRealism February 7, 2011 at 2:39 pm

Bristol Palin: If I Wasn't Knocked Out, How Come I'm on my Back?

FNMA February 7, 2011 at 2:42 pm: I think you're confusing "knocked out" with "knocked up."

mereoblivion February 7, 2011 at 2:41 pm

So we beat off, butts against the bride, porned back ceaselessly into the ass.

Sharkey February 7, 2011 at 2:41 pm

I Know Why The Engaged Bird Sings

Eve8Apples February 7, 2011 at 2:43 pm

Whore and Piece (of ass)

court5346 February 7, 2011 at 2:43 pm

I wonder how many times "canard" is used

Qatarded February 7, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Rally 'Round The Vag, Boys!

joobajooba February 7, 2011 at 2:46 pm

I wrote it. Before she could trademark it.

MoeDeLawn February 7, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Stately, plump, Trig came from the stairhead…

mourningnmerica February 7, 2011 at 2:47 pm

"Much Ado About Nothing".

KochFembot February 7, 2011 at 2:48 pm

"A Confederacy of Palins"

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] February 8, 2011 at 5:01 am: "A Confederacy of Cuntses"

GeneralLerong February 7, 2011 at 2:48 pm

It's a plot! If you want to trademark your name, then you have to do something commercial or whatever with it? So just "write" something in the same way your mom did. Then you get your trademark and persecute all those mean bloggers who think you're an asshole. Literally.

ShiftyParadigm February 7, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Eat, Pray, Fuck

fuflans February 7, 2011 at 2:51 pm

O: a presidential novel.

HistoriCat February 7, 2011 at 2:53 pm

She's a hard ass writer.

zhubajie February 7, 2011 at 8:19 pm: What, she's farting on pieces of paper?

Sassomatic February 7, 2011 at 2:54 pm

This just proves to me that this entire country has a raging case of memoir diarrhea. This is like the yellow bile liquid kind.

HolyMaracas February 7, 2011 at 2:59 pm

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (that don't fit me anymore)

w/ co-authors Pillow and Wiper Palin.

OneDollarJuana February 7, 2011 at 2:59 pm

It was a dark and horny nite.

OhNoGuy February 7, 2011 at 9:53 pm: Aren't they all.

mourningnmerica February 7, 2011 at 2:59 pm

"A Night In Bristol".

SorosBot February 7, 2011 at 3:20 pm: One night in Bristol makes a hard man flaccid.

mereoblivion February 7, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Much Ado About Huffing. King Leer. The Harlot Letter. Great Sexpectations. A Farewell to Charm. (Whatever, I got dibs on the Cliff' Notes.)

mourningnmerica February 7, 2011 at 3:01 pm

"The Diary of Fat Skank".

widestanceroman February 7, 2011 at 3:02 pm

"Schemes of My Mother"

SorosBot February 7, 2011 at 3:03 pm

Willow is also coming out with her own memoirs, "stfu. Your Such a Faggot".

MrsBiggTime February 7, 2011 at 3:04 pm

My impression of memoirs was that they are written as one looks back at a career or life well spent, or perhaps just before dying (see "Lifetime Achievement Award). Now I can add "did it in the back of an F10 pickup and Mama made me famous!"

Redhead February 8, 2011 at 7:26 am: Either that or after something big and life changing (like going through rehab and getting sober – there seem to be a bunch of those kinds of memoirs).

JustPixelz February 7, 2011 at 3:06 pm

Bristol Palin™ could have a lot in interesting things to say about Sarah Palin™. Or tell us about First Dude™ and his hott honey Shailey Tripp™.

Chapter one : "My Mother the Star"
Mom's screeching voice almost made me go back to high school to hear fingers on the blackboard. I was feeling a little nauseous anyway and that put me over the edge. Later I learned I actually had "morning sickness" which is caused by sperm. But that day I was still "in the dark".

When my dad got home that morning, I told him about my "episode". He laughed kinda loud and said "If yer knocked up, name the kid Tripp. I like that name." He was in a good mood.

MrsBiggTime February 7, 2011 at 3:13 pm: Chapter Two:
It was about that time Daddy hurt his back and started seeing his massage therapist.

{portions embargoed until they are written}

I just love a happy ending!

Barbara_i February 7, 2011 at 3:07 pm

Horton Hears a Ho.
The Lying, the Witch and the DNC Wardrobe.
Valley of the Dulls.
Battle Hymen of the Trigger Mother

mourningnmerica February 7, 2011 at 3:09 pm

"The 7 Habits of Highly Defective People".

whiterabid February 7, 2011 at 3:10 pm

One score a few years ago, my daughter met her father.

Lazy Media February 7, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Story of Uh

moralturpentine February 7, 2011 at 3:13 pm

"Maidenhead Revisited"
"List in the Time of Syphillis"
"Double Indignity"

BaldarTFlagass February 7, 2011 at 3:13 pm

"Lady Slatternly's Lover"

mourningnmerica February 7, 2011 at 3:14 pm

"Bitch Mom, Whore Mom".

Natl_Indecency_Cmdr February 7, 2011 at 3:18 pm

I'm holding out for Trig's memoir.

Trig Palin (author)

Gleem_McShineys February 7, 2011 at 4:39 pm: (autisticthor)

Boredw/Gravity February 7, 2011 at 3:18 pm

You just know that the opening line will hands-down win the Bulwer-Lytton competition this year.

Natl_Indecency_Cmdr February 7, 2011 at 3:19 pm

"Poor Bristol's Almanac"?

Natl_Indecency_Cmdr February 7, 2011 at 8:55 pm: "A Penny Whored is a Penny Earned"

bigdupa February 7, 2011 at 3:20 pm

"Last Call of the Wild Drinking Binges"
"Blubber 2011"

doxastic February 7, 2011 at 3:30 pm

I've met a lot of teenagers and even was one myself. And I am sure as fuck that they do not have a book's worth of interesting things to say. Even the ones without troglodytes for mothers.

Thedongsofwar February 7, 2011 at 3:31 pm

"Havin' mah bahbe: An Alaskan Auddessey"

ulTIMum February 7, 2011 at 3:35 pm

Yeah, well, I heard it's pitching a show for the Cooking channel all about carving caribou and has the catchy title: THE GREAT FILET SHOW – Modern Abstinence in the Kitchen.

MissTaken February 7, 2011 at 3:35 pm

"Clan of the Mama Grizzly Bear"

doxastic February 7, 2011 at 3:39 pm

Truth and Meth-heads

problemwithcaring February 7, 2011 at 3:52 pm

It was some hard ass working times, and then there were some lazy ass faggot times, there, also.

widestanceroman February 7, 2011 at 3:55 pm

'Decision Points' (subtitled 'All Her Own, Sittin' Way Up High')

smokefilledroommate February 7, 2011 at 3:57 pm

Diary of Anne Skank

Primary Colors: Why I Like Blue

Tripp Needs a New Pair of Shoes

SenileAgitation February 7, 2011 at 3:59 pm

A Mumu for the Misbegotten
Chapter 1
"What of it?", I replied angrily. The dopey screener from Senator Macgregor's or whatever's campaign had been hassling me all frigging morning about Mom's retard baby and the picture Levi posted of them together after swimming or something wearing hardly anything. Over and over the nerdy creep kept asking the same thing but saying it different like I would ever rat out Mom or Dad or Levi. We are close, and that's what America means to me: a place of being close, where clothes don't have to always fit how they did last week and sharing love means not being afraid to share everything. People outside maybe don't understand, but fuck them, you know? They haven't lived what I have, and haven't seen the things I have late at night when people think I'm asleep.

problemwithcaring February 7, 2011 at 4:00 pm

The Audacity of Poke

mrblifil February 7, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Grinder in the Sausage Factory

FlyOverGirl February 7, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Oh, I adore the Wonketters who added the following tags on Amazon:

Crayons Not Included.
Endless Madlibs Possibilities .
Baby Makers .
Joke .
Narcissism .
Tripp out man.

Numbat_Dundee February 7, 2011 at 4:09 pm

IT is a truth universally acknowledged, that a teenage hockey player in possession of a penis must be in want of a condom.

crybabyboehner February 7, 2011 at 4:21 pm: That McGuane guy don't hold a candle to Miz Bristol.

HedonismBot February 7, 2011 at 4:10 pm

Bristol Palin, "author."
There, fixed.

Qatarded February 7, 2011 at 4:35 pm

My Country, Jizz of Thee

OldRedneck February 7, 2011 at 4:45 pm

OMFG!!! Ya' know — sometimes I encounter something that is so goddammuthafukin stupid, all I can do in reaction is bang my head into the desk over and over and over . . .

WriteyWriterton February 7, 2011 at 10:47 pm: Couldn't hear you over the sound of my weeping.

DaSandman February 7, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Rememberence of Cock Past

LiveToServeYa February 7, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Hah! 'Bristol Palin Boudoir' is more like it.

thejazzmonger February 7, 2011 at 5:51 pm

Hahahaha….. Gulp!

Veritas78 February 7, 2011 at 5:59 pm

How Can I Lose Weight When You Make Me Swallow All This Cum?

Beetagger February 7, 2011 at 6:09 pm

This will turn my Kindle into kindling.

Redhead February 7, 2011 at 7:16 pm

Does Bristol really think people will pay $3 a page for her memoir?

SorosBot February 7, 2011 at 11:24 pm: Replace "people" with "right-wing organizations who want to artificially get the book on the NYT Bestseller List", and yes, they will.

mickeymusing February 7, 2011 at 7:23 pm