When the Internet Isn’t Busy Starting Revolutions, It Delivers Sandwiches

by Arielle Fleisher

saving you from delirum tremens since 3/25/09Now that we’re all destined to become fat sacks of trash, it’s especially important that Washingtonians be able to easily access their beloved foodstuffs. Whereas in Real America, finding nutrient dense cow anus is as simple as following the sloshing sounds of jiggling fat to the nearest strip mall or drive-thru, finding semi-edible poison in D.C. can be slightly more challenging, as just four tiny snowflakes can render the entire city helpless. But the nation’s obesity epidemic will not thrive unless becoming fat is a joy everyone truly shares, and thanks to a new food delivery website, Washingtonians can now be equal participants in this march towards heart disease. Hooray!

A short time ago, you had to find a restaurant’s menu, call to place a to-go order, and tear yourself away from the latest episode of Tales of an Uprising in Egypt to go pick up your food. But because of accents and the unfortunate service AT&T provides in D.C., too many things can go wrong when placing a to-go order over the phone, and Sweet Jesus, when all you want are some green beans with pork in oyster sauce, there’s no accepting any other stir-fried combination of MSG and genetically modified meat.

Thankfully, we now live in a post-race-obesity-fighting-civil-society where the Internet solves/causes everything, and so the Internet has found an answer to this superfluous problem that dabbles in xenophobia: SeamlessWeb, a website that lets you browse menus, read reviews and order delivery and takeout from restaurants. This service should be sweet heroin for the masses in D.C. who are too busy writing op-eds about how to encourage children to hula-hoop and eat less Go-Gurt to tear themselves away from their computers to go make dinner. And then there’s the fact that SeamlessWeb exists in New York, so it must be good.

All this week SeamlessWeb will be giving out free coffee from its food truck (as all great Internet food delivery websites have food trucks that serve free coffee), which will be parked in various locations throughout D.C. [SeamlessWeb]

 
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{ 14 comments }

Barbara_i February 8, 2011 at 4:18 pm

If four-digit cholesterol is good enough for Huckabee, then it's good enough for me.

mereoblivion February 8, 2011 at 4:18 pm

Damn, Wonkette! Youse guys have outdone yourselves today, and that's saying a mouthful. I count 14 posts, including the three in that list that's mysteriously off to the side these days. If you don't win that award it'll be the most egregious burglary since Mrs Norman Maine lost to that shameless whore back in '54. (O/T, but anyway . . .)

SorosBot February 8, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Hell, I can barely keep up with the main content, much less the comments.

LiveToServeYa February 8, 2011 at 4:19 pm

Do you know who *else* delivered Anschluß burgers?

mereoblivion February 8, 2011 at 4:28 pm

John Wayne and Monty Clift in Red River?

SayItWithWookies February 8, 2011 at 4:29 pm

More like Sans-a-Belt Web. Not that it'll hurt much, since even the folks getting take-out ride the elevator down two floors to the lobby.

WunkRocker February 8, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Basturdz. We have the NASCAR Hall of Fame and the DemonCrat Natzi Convention coming, but the Queen City of Mecklenburgistan get's no internetted fried delivery goodness. I blame it on all the free-loading midwesterners moving here to steal our jerbs.

qwerty42 February 8, 2011 at 5:48 pm

Move to Cary.

PublicLuxury February 8, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Will the real food truck show up at my driveway? Will the people in the food truck cook my meal fresh or just freshly microwave the left over food? Will they be in a costume? Will they bring it to the door or do I have to trek out to the driveway and beat an immigrant with a bat to get the snack?

If you want an actual award, Wonkette, you need to provide ALL the salient details.

edgydrifter February 8, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Food delivery? Not good enough. I might break a sweat consuming it. Won't anybody prechew my SlimJims for me?

EatsBabyDingos February 8, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Delivering Our Finest Wonkezoid Menu!

Dickwad Hams
Gingriched Crabapples
Smoked Obama
Witches Brew
Bristle Pine Nuts
Bryan Fischerman's Stew (No fish, no potatoes, only
water, then blames you for starving to death)
Panda Raul (Pureed Ru Paul and Rand Paul-rhymes but makes no sense)

Sadly, we sell no Tea.

Crank_Tango February 8, 2011 at 6:58 pm

I'm going to use teh interwebz to send a six inch to Arielle. Also, I will have someone deliver a sub to her.

ifthethunderdontgetya February 8, 2011 at 10:24 pm

Could you have the recipe for 'alt text' typed out on that sub that gets delivered?

Hanx in advance.
~

Crank_Tango February 8, 2011 at 11:09 pm

she did done the alt text!

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