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saving you from delirum tremens since 3/25/09Now that we’re all destined to become fat sacks of trash, it’s especially important that Washingtonians be able to easily access their beloved foodstuffs. Whereas in Real America, finding nutrient dense cow anus is as simple as following the sloshing sounds of jiggling fat to the nearest strip mall or drive-thru, finding semi-edible poison in D.C. can be slightly more challenging, as just four tiny snowflakes can render the entire city helpless. But the nation’s obesity epidemic will not thrive unless becoming fat is a joy everyone truly shares, and thanks to a new food delivery website, Washingtonians can now be equal participants in this march towards heart disease. Hooray!

A short time ago, you had to find a restaurant’s menu, call to place a to-go order, and tear yourself away from the latest episode of Tales of an Uprising in Egypt to go pick up your food. But because of accents and the unfortunate service AT&T provides in D.C., too many things can go wrong when placing a to-go order over the phone, and Sweet Jesus, when all you want are some green beans with pork in oyster sauce, there’s no accepting any other stir-fried combination of MSG and genetically modified meat.

Thankfully, we now live in a post-race-obesity-fighting-civil-society where the Internet solves/causes everything, and so the Internet has found an answer to this superfluous problem that dabbles in xenophobia: SeamlessWeb, a website that lets you browse menus, read reviews and order delivery and takeout from restaurants. This service should be sweet heroin for the masses in D.C. who are too busy writing op-eds about how to encourage children to hula-hoop and eat less Go-Gurt to tear themselves away from their computers to go make dinner. And then there’s the fact that SeamlessWeb exists in New York, so it must be good.

All this week SeamlessWeb will be giving out free coffee from its food truck (as all great Internet food delivery websites have food trucks that serve free coffee), which will be parked in various locations throughout D.C. [SeamlessWeb]

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