They killed me.

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  • x111e7thst

    So if you entice your victim with Ronald Reagan Jelly Beans is it rape at all?

    • bagofmice

      Only if you get forceful about it.

    • Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

      Not if you lace them with Rohypnol, apparently.

      And I wish I was fucking joking.

  • PublicLuxury

    Don'r forget the condoms. Julian Assange's alleged broken condom is out for inspection. Ronnie Raygun didn't like condoms or gays or lesbians or blacks or hispanics or prenant women or anyone on any type of public assistance including students receiving Social Security survivor benefits because of WWII

  • Chalkboard scrawlings?

    Check this video out. Not only does he have a clone army of chalkboards, he gets all Yoda on his TruckNutz-loving minions.

    LUKE: I won't fail you — I'm not afraid.

    YODA: (turns slowly toward him) Oh, you will be. You will be.

    • DoktorZoom

      Once again, Beck gets even the simplest facts dead wrong. Yoda wears a tan Jedi robe, not the dark brown robe more closely associated with Obi-wan Kenobi. Further, what the hell is going on with that LOTR style staff? Yoda used a simple walking stick, not a huge dildo-topped pole.

      Honestly, I simply do not understand why anyone finds this man credible AT ALL. [/Comic Book Guy Voice]

      • LetUsBray

        "Yoda used a simple walking stick, not a huge dildo-topped pole."

        Clearly some people are more into buttsecksing themselves more than Yoda ever was.

  • Come here a minute

    Let us honor Ronald Reagan by remembering one great thing he accomplished during his two terms in office: He did not appoint Donald Rumsfeld to his cabinet.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Also, Cheney spent the entire Reagan presidency stuck serving in the U.S. House, so good on him twice.

  • PublicLuxury

    Ronnie Raygun didn't have Truknutz so he wasn't really a conservative republican.

  • PublicLuxury

    I heard that the chalkboard scawlings are the direct result of Glennn Beck speaking to aliens. Glenn Beck is in a conspiracy with aliens (here illegally) to crash the economy.

    • This is 1000x more believable than anything glenn beck has ever pooped out of his mouth.

  • Tomorrow there will be a gigantic, cultlike celebration of greed, domination, violence, getting around the rules any way you can, favoring the strong over the weak, corporate thuggery and exploitation, and the public relations machine that has bamboozled the public that it's all wholesome American goodness by creating despicable, hollow "role model" types who are nowhere near the paragons they're claimed to be

    But before they even play the Super Bowl, the Republicans are going to celebrate Reagan's birthday.

    • V572625694

      You're saying that Big "Ben" Ruthlessfucker is not a suitable role model for Today's Youth?

      Why do you hate America?

      • Ha ha! I'm totally stealing Ruthlessfucker (like I do all my jokes).

        • LetUsBray

          Arguably even better than Worthlessraper, which I've also heard.

      • Because why not?

      • Negropolis

        Bwahahaha @ Big "Ben" Ruthlessfucker. The last name is great, but what really kills is that his actual name is the nickname, here.

  • Jason_inthe_Peg

    As you know, you go to war with the Secretary of Defense you have, not the Secretary of Defense you might want or wish to have at a later time.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Don't forget about Andreas Muller who had 'mini' tattooed on his man-sausage.

    Hell, I did that years ago….and it expands to Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA when ready

    • bumfug

      My dick was too small so I tatooed a picture of a real big dick down the side of it.

      • SayItWithWookies

        Did Sean Assity send you a note saying how honored he was?

      • OneDollarJuana

        I tattooed a lollipop because you know how girls love sweets.

  • Moving beyond the Boehner boner biz, the esteemed Enquirer is reporting that Sarah Palin is throwing a huge snit over Michelle Obama stealing her daughter. Seems our beloved FLOTUS has hired Bristol to sell gay-married abortions for Planned Parenthood or something.

    • PsycWench

      Was FLOTUS supposed to pay Sarah instead?

      • Well obvs, grifting comes first for the first family of Wasillysauce.

    • jim89048

      Thank Dog she's found something to bitch about. Egypt has kind of sucked all the oxygen out of her head room this past week.

    • fuflans

      sounds like somebody in the o'bama household has been reading 'art of war'.

    • rocktonsam

      Also , $arah finds a way to make R squared's day all about her. The only similarities I see is that they both have retarded sons. Not Ron jr. or Track also.

  • slithytoves

    national prayer party

    That's just all kinds of wrong.

    • V572625694

      Are saying US America is not a Christian theocracy?

  • Blendergoathead

    I'm pretty sure the little capsules I just ate weren't jelly beans, but I'm still 100% positive Reagan was an asshole.

  • Rotundo_

    I just know that when they get the senate and the whitehouse again, the republicans are going to have a Ronald Wilson Reagan holiday, and they *will* make sure that everyone takes it off with or without pay and will attend manditory laudings of Ronaldus Magnus (as Rusty calls him). If Jimmy Carter dies in the meantime, they'll probably have a "two minutes hate" thrown in for Jimmy as well, for kicks.

  • baconzgood

    Today we're ALL a dead "B" actor.

  • OneDollarJuana

    Hard to believe it's been 30 years since Reagan was elected. Seems like just yesterday when he ushered in:

    – lying about negotiating with terrorists
    – stealing Presidential elections
    – banking crises designed and executed to benefit the economic royalty
    – secret US support for death squads
    – secret US training and support for dictators
    – the destruction of the Supreme Court
    – the revival of racism
    – strengthening the class war between Americans and economic royalty
    – war for oil
    – war for minerals
    – US-sponsored drug dealing in our black communities
    – the rapacious drug war
    – forcing the poor and mentally-ill into the streets to literally die
    – the destruction of the free press
    – the destruction of our education systems
    – the destruction of our health care systems
    – the conversion of our military into a religious army
    – the willful neglect of our national infrastructure
    – the willful destruction of our environmental protections
    – the destruction of our skilled labor force
    – the destruction of our manufacturing juggernaut
    – the pitting of Americans against each other
    – the creation of corporations as feudal lords with legal powers of life and death
    – the piecemeal destruction of basic rights enshrined in the Constitution

    Ah, good times!

  • Also this week, Sharkey resumed Wokettering after a long hiatus. BOO-YA!

  • UW8316154

    I hated Ronnie with a passion in 1980. In rage, I spent the next 20 years being a role model for Charlie Sheen. I woke up in 2000 to find out everything was even WORSE than I had remembered. Bush II did far more malevolent damage to this country, but Ronnie laid the groundwork.

    Sort of like McCain was bad by himself, but delivering us $arah is the fucking of this country he will always be remembered for. You *think* you're at the lowest point a country can reach, but then come to find out the fucker is just paving the way for an even lower low.

    • bagofmice

      Paving tends to add substance. Perhaps "Carpet Bombing" would be a more appropriate metaphor.

    • Rotundo_

      I hated what he was more than who he was: He was the kindly grandpa all full of folksy shit trying to lull us all into complacency, since *we* didn't have it so bad. Meanwhile the folks pulling the strings were not all that quietly dismantling the new deal policies that did so much to create the modern middle class. And so many of us just sat there and watched in wonder as they set about destroying it. The banking reforms of the new deal were repealed as "antiquated" under a *democratic* president by a republican congress and set the stage for Dubya taking office and the chaos and mayhem that resulted. I stopped being amazed some time back, I wish I felt safe and secure enough to be amused. As it stands, my time here snarking about this shit is the only safe vent I have. I well and truly need it.

    • LetUsBray

      I only regret that i can upfist this post but once.

  • x111e7thst

    Tomorrow I will piss out the window of my office (17th floor)
    because that's how Reagan would have wanted it.

    • SexySmurf

      Ronny was a big fan of the trickle down.

  • At the time it seemed like Reagan was scraping the absolute bottom of the barrel of hollow, crass, moronic, and phony. In a few years time we'd already descended to W. Now we have Sarah Palin. At this rate, Trig or whichever one's the retard probably has a bright future in Republican politics.

  • HolyMaracas

    Oh, fuck Ronnie Raygun and his overrated legacy! There, I said it.

  • WhatTheHeck

    .A hundred years ago, an angel was born on Earth.

    Not so fast, Benjamin. Reagan was no mere angel. When he was born in that humble manger, a star arose in the eastern sky, which announced the arrival of the three wise men. They had come from Wall Street to outline their strategy for dominion over the masses.
    No, wait. I’m getting my facts all mixed up. That was Jesus. Reagan was the one who immaculately inseminated hos mom.
    This is why people worship him today.

  • fuflans

    i thought america's favorite corpse was anna nicole smith.

    • You're thinking of Nicole Brown Simpson.

      • glamourdammerung

        Jonbenet Ramsey says what.

        • Negropolis

          Don't you two worry. Whenever/if ever they find Natallee Holloway, she will be enshrined on the Washington Mall.

          I feel so bad for doing that.

    • finallyhappy

      So Should I go see the Anna Nicole opera in London when I am there?

  • Madam Killjoy

    When I was in high school during the Ronnie Years, my friends' garage band, Uncle Mikey and the Lubes, had a song entitled "Frankly, I Think the Whole World Sucks" the only lyrics of which I remember are: "Reagan can suck BOTH of my nuts!"

  • BarackMyWorld

    The Washington Post posted an article that is full of no surprises to anyone who is capable of remembering past silly nostalgia.

    So given the overwhelming evidence, you know who believes the complete opposite.

  • SexySmurf

    I'm going to celebrate tomorrow by legalizing abortion in California, raising taxes twice, laying a wreath on a Nazi's grave and granting amnesty to illegal immigrants. And towards the end of the day I might get around to talking about AIDS.

  • Extemporanus™

    Ha ha, Benjamin, that really could be a melty creamsicle in those Boehner photos! Either that, or an unprotected Push Up.

    Hey, does this mean that it could just be a Klondike bar and a half-eaten Eskimo Pie in those photos of the First Dude?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Best news of the day: in addition to the two countries Dubya allegedly liberated, there is a third nation he is now afraid to visit — Switzerland, where a motion to investigate him for violating treaties against torture has forced him to cancel a speech. Your move, President Obama.

    • If Barry castles, would that send Shrub to Den Haag?

      • SayItWithWookies

        No need, I don't think — international treaties have the force of law, so he could be tried in any country that was a signatory, including this one.

    • chascates

      If the Swiss will indict Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, and Kissinger I say we forget about their banking shenanigans with despots & hoodlums.

  • DrunkIrishman

    To honor Ronald Reagan's great legacy as America's Grandpa, I am expecting some member of the media to fellatio his corpse during a prime-time television special. It will be hosted by Geraldo Rivera.

  • chascates

    Sponsored by GE & Jelly Belly

  • chascates

    And a commenter on NPR revealed the real legacy of Ronaldus Magnus:

    Any solution to the deficit and tax reform misses the mark unless it addresses this shameful fact: Billionaire Warren Buffett pays 12% total (federal, state, local, corporate) taxes on $8 billion annual investment gains while a single minimum wage worker pays 41% total taxes on her $14,500 annual salary ( The recent tax deal amounts to $74,000 to each top 2% household compared to $5200 for an average bottom 98% household.

    The favored tax treatment for wealthy investors started by Reagan 30 years ago led to the the share of the nation's wealth held by the top 1% of households jumping from 22 to 40%. It also led a 25% drop in our GDP growth over 30 years (compared to the 30 prior years with 50% max tax rate), investment bubbles, and thus our last two recessions (in which everyone – except the rich who benefited from investor tax breaks – risks losing their jobs, homes and pensions).

  • Righto on that Chascates. As was mentioned earlier on the 100-year old corpse thread, Ronnie's reasoning started going in the tank well before the Alzheimer's when he was staying up past his bedtime talking with the Antichrist's proto-Bircher stepfather Loyal Davis.

  • user-of-owls

    Corpse goes down, hagiography goes up. Why is that?

    • aguacatero

      Law of conservation of maggots and magnanimity? Ew.

  • crybabyboehner

    Who said "Why are you girls shoving ice cubes up my ass?"

    a. Ronald Reagan
    b. Gram Parsons
    c. Louella Parsons
    d. all of the above

    • bagofmice

      At least it's not a tube of frosting.

    • FlyOverGirl

      Jenna Bush?

    • Negropolis

      Frank Sinatra?

  • OT but nonetheless interesting: I'm posting this link in a couple of threads for those of you with Facebook and too much time on your hands. A distant acquaintance is waging guerilla war to educate these morans. Stop by and give him a hand.

  • Sparky_McGruff

    What clever pick-up lines do you suppose John Boehner uses as he hits on these lobbyist babes?

    "Would you like a little orange inside you?"
    "I know you're asking: is it liver failure, or a sweet tan? Wanna come back to my place and look for tan lines?"
    "Do you like my cologne? I had it custom designed to smell like the bar at the Legion post."

    • FlyOverGirl

      "Wanna make me cry?"

  • alzronnie

    I forgot how great I was.

  • OK it's almost 11 A.M. EST. Time to start drinking in celebration of Super Bowl/Zombie Reagan Day.

    Too soon?

  • Geesh. Iffin' ya go around the news you either get blather about teh corpse centenial or Sarah Rhymes with Runt Palin twitter twatting about how the USA, USA, USA is going down the drain and Barry blew it with the 3:00 AM crisis call that went to voice mail. Geesh², the day would be better spent reading blather quotes by Ben Dover Ruthlessfucker about da big game (and before submitting to that I'd prefer the option of a self-inflicted death by a thousand cutz).

    Go Packers. Sorry Steeler fanz, this C'Addled was raised in Wizkahnsin during the Lombardi years and hides his cheesehead in the closet.

    • DoktorZoom

      Chanting USA, USA, USA actually IS a means of changing the world. Otherwise patriots wouldn't do it so much.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    One of the mostest best policy speechifying Sarah Palin has vomitted since we've met her:

    “It’s a difficult situation, this is that 3am White House phone call and it seems for many of us trying to get that information from our leader in the White House it it seems that that call went right to um the answering machine. And nobody yet has, no body yet has explained to the American public what they know, and surely they know more than the rest of us know who it is who will be taking the place of Mubarak and I'm not real enthused about what it is that that’s being done on a national level and from DC in regards to understanding all the situation there in Egypt. And in these areas that are so volatile right now because obviously it’s not just Egypt but the other countries too where we are seeing uprisings, we know that now more than ever, we need strength and sound mind there in the White House. We need to know what it is that America stands for so we know who it is that America will stand with. And we do not have all that information yet.”

    • NorthStarSpanx

      The Governor gave a powerful speech at our banquet last night, before an enthusiastic overflow audience. She eloquently and gracefully paid tribute to one of the most significant speeches in American history, Ronald Reagan’s “Time for Choosing” address—while at the same time outlining a vision for America that builds upon President Reagan’s.

      Is there really this disconnect? Do these people read Going Rogue and call it the most important policy book ever written? Do they listen to the same speeches and read the same text of her speeches and still come off blowing smoke up that spectacular failure's ass? Seriously?

      • glamourdammerung

        It is simply the mentality that their team is always "right" and that it is more important to win than to govern. That is why they are backing a dictator in Egypt over the President of the United States, why they troll here, and why they still cry about imaginary "crimes" of the former House speaker while ignoring the current one covering up Mark Foley literally raping children (which was somehow the House Democrats fault). It all boils down to cults of personality, though they are waiting for some of that Reagan-style turd polishing to work on Bush II before they are willing to publicly gush about him.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Is her point that it's Barry's fault she's uninformed? Or is she just mad because she sits at the Fox News kiddie table while the adults are busy trying in the other room to sort this out?

  • OneDollarJuana

    After my rant about Reagan I began thinking about all the Presidential elections I've voted in, since 1972. Much to my chagrin, every single president has either been evil or had feet of clay:

    Nixon was a narcissistic petty crook whose bumbling criminality and duplicity in dealing with the Vietnam war sowed the seeds for general distrust of government.

    Ford was a bumbler, too, whose failure to see that Nixon needed to be prosecuted in order to heal the country.

    Carter had a good heart, as witnessed by being the most effective ex-President in my lifetime, but was a micro-manager and not pragmatic or worldly enough to see the traitors who worked against him and the country.

    Reagan was the not-so-well-meaning puppet at the head of a regime who successfully moved our country into a navel-gazing herd of sheep, ripe for the picking by the banks and nascent multinational corporations.

    Bush I brought the CIA literally into the Oval Office and firmly cemented our role in unconstitutional illegal actions against the US populace and brought death squads to those who would fight against the multinational corporations.

    Clinton was a centrist whose charisma and poverty-stricken upbringing worked against him. He may have had our best interests at heart in the beginning, but he found that the money, power, and sex offered by the right were too hard to resist, and his charisma blinded the left who might have been able to convince him to not sign the most destructive pieces of legislation in recent history, NAFTA, the Telecommunications Act, and the Gramm–Leach–Bliley Act.

    Bush II, a severely emotionally-damaged sociopath, perfectly suited to be the puppet of the now mature multinationals and the ever-more-theocratic military. His terms will go down in history as the greased slide of the US into obscurity.

    Obama. The funhouse Hall of Mirrors reflecting back to his supporters their ardent desires, and to his detractors their most primal fears, making reality and the way ahead so difficult to see. Unfortunately, the power at the top has been so concentrated that I fear that we will not find our way out without destroying the whole amusement park.

    Sorry, I'm just grumpy this morning.

    • Rotundo_

      Grumpy or not, you summed the lot of them up perfectly. Oh well, Go Pack Go, or Go Stillers Go or whatever accordingly. Yay, or whatever accordingly.

      • OneDollarJuana

        Hopey you're happy. It worked.

        • Oblios_Cap

          Good read on Clinton. Why everybody looks so fondly back at his administration is a mystery to me.

          I watched the CBS moring show giving Reagan's corpse its obligatory blowjob. Jesus, talk about revisionist history. Fuck Ronald Reagan.

    • Excellently put. We just better hope our own Mubarek is far in the future, and we don't have any "friends" like us trying to hook us up with a Suleiman afterwards. (Pardon the bad spelling.)

    • Negropolis

      Bush II, a severely emotionally-damaged sociopath, perfectly suited to be the puppet of the now mature multinationals and the ever-more-theocratic military.


      "severely emotionally-damaged sociopath" is the perfect description of the guy. Something else really bothers me about the man, too. No matter how deeply I search or how many times I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, I can't for the life of me answer the question of why he wanted to be president besides for the fact that he could.

      There are a dozen or so other presidents that didn't really have much a reason to have ever won the offices, but most of these guys get a relative pass from me because they were vice presidents and thus expected to run for president after their term. But, Dubya had absolutely zero reason to think he had something to offer, or something more than other people at the top at the time of his run. Even of the Bush children, he'd have not been my pick.

      He wanted Mommy and Daddy to love him so badly. He so craved their attention. And, after he found he couldn't get their love, he tried for their respect and he still hasn't won that. And, we were taken on a wild, destructive ride because of his personal quest for personal redemption.

      Dubya was/is sick, sicker than most. I will never forgive him for using the presidency, either conciously or not, to drag us into his own personal hell.

  • Blendergoathead

    My friend just told me that back in her prime, Nancy (Davis) Reagan was apparently the blowjob queen of Hollywood. I'm not sure if I even want to investigate to see if she's full of crap or not; nothing good could come of it.

    • x111e7thst

      I believe the expression "she could suck the chrome right off a trailer hitch" was coined for Nancy.

      • Oblios_Cap

        I guess that's a skill that can help women live longer, given her age. At least that's what I'll tell the wife.

  • chascates

    For those of you without teevees, here's the 3-minute tribute to Ronald Jesus Reagan, which will be aired in Cowboy Stadium before today's kickoff:

    After checking the 'usual suspects' web sites of the far-right it seems that the Gipper was not only the best President this country ever had but he also sets the standard for all future leaders. Rush Limbaugh asked a caller Friday where he had got the silly idea that Ronald Reagan raised taxes. His biographer Edmund Morris writes in Today's WaPo that Reagan was successful in all of his endeavors and a humble Christian to boot. He includes this generous assessment:
    In the spring of 1945, Capt. Reagan, as the FMPU's intelligence officer, spent weeks processing raw color footage from the liberation of the Nazi concentration camps. The images so burned into his brain that later in life – quite understandably – he imagined he had been there at Ohrdruf and Buchenwald.

    Today's celebratory folderol will be a tribute to a contrived myth, one which covers up attacks on the working- and middle-classes, unchecked Executive branch overreach, and start of the ultra-rich owning the largest percentage of America's assets in our history.

    The right will say, 'never forget'. We should always reply, 'please remember'.

    • glamourdammerung

      In the spring of 1945, Capt. Reagan, as the FMPU's intelligence officer, spent weeks processing raw color footage from the liberation of the Nazi concentration camps. The images so burned into his brain that later in life – quite understandably – he imagined he had been there at Ohrdruf and Buchenwald.

      I guess that explains putting that wreath at the SS graveyard.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Rush Limbaugh asked a caller Friday where he had got the silly idea that Ronald Reagan raised taxes

      Correct answer: "A history book, motherfucker!"

      • DoktorZoom

        Literacy is elitist.

  • W and Condi are freeloading at the Super Bowl – so we've got war criminals watching sex criminals.

  • Come here a minute

    Yay, the team with the quarterback that I didn't hear about rape charges against scored. Hurray!!!!!?!?!?!!!

  • DoktorZoom

    How bad was the Super Bowl halftime show?

    I would be more entertained by a Glenn Beck rant about George Soros and the Federal Reserve.

    I would rather listen to Sarah Palin reading the Book of Mormon.

    I would be far more impressed by the showmanship of Maru the Cat jumping into a cardboard box.

    • Agreed.

      Also, except for the Beetle and House, every commercial stank. Go-daddy, especially.

      • BarackMyWorld

        I was more than happy to skip the game and watch the Capt. America commercial online.

    • Negropolis

      Christina Aguilera doing the anthem was just plain terrible, but, then again, the choice for anthem singers at Superbowls has been a hit-or-miss for years, now, so it wasn't really that surprising.

      • BarackMyWorld

        Maybe her fake jugs created too much pressure on her lungs and she was unable to exhale properly to sing.

    • DemmeFatale

      Some talent would have been nice.

      • Negropolis

        You mean to tell me that the Black Eyed Peas (with special appearances by Slash & then Usher) aren't talent?

  • FlipOffResearch

    Can you guys fix this comment thing?

  • BarackMyWorld

    Joke from the 80s:

    What's the White House have in common with McDonald's?

    They both have clowns named Ronald.

  • thefrontpage

    The Reagan "administration," along with the failed presidenies of Nixon, Bush I and Bush II, were four of the absolute worst–actually, the four worst–presidential "administrations" in the history of the United States. They were all corrupt, criminal, unethical, psycho, loony, moronic, idiotic, ridiculous, asinine, backwards, wayward, religiously crazy, crazy in general, psychotic, offensive, unprofessional, and full of uneducated, inexperienced thugs and criminals who put this country backwards 100 years, every time. The four presidencies have no legacy, there is no myth, they are not deserving of praise, and they all need to noted for what they were, overall, and at all levels: failures.

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