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Mark Foley ‘Reaching Out,’ ‘Touching’ Young Republicans


You know what? There’s something charming about Mark Foley continuing to pretend he’s not deader than dead politically. It’s charming seeing him tread into the most obvious jokes over and over. He just doesn’t care. Sure, he follows half-naked 15-year-old boys on Twitter. And still talks about admiring from a distance shirtless teenage boys fishing on a lake. And only attends “Young” Republican events, especially if they’re at some sort of gay cowboy bar. He is secure with who he is and also wants to discuss municipal bond proposals! Nice work. Go for it, Foley! Just, for future reference, try to make sure the most ridiculously pedophile-looking guy in the place isn’t the one talking to the AP cameras, okay?

Please don’t call it a “comeback.” Because that’s gross.

Foley has been reentering the public spotlight over the past year. He launched a talk radio show last year and flirted with a run for the nonpartisan mayor’s office in West Palm Beach. He also was on the host committee last year for a fund-raiser for Republican Sharon Merchant’s failed state Senate bid.

“A run for the nonpartisan mayor’s office”? Is that what they call skateboarders these days?

Keep chasing that rainbow, Foley. Just don’t get caught. [Palm Beach Post/YouTube]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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69 comments

  1. Beowoof

    And I thought Florida would be tougher on politicians hanging around high school boys rooms.
    And who is the necrophiliac on Camera?

    1. Beowoof

      I think that is the average age of the sexual predator looking for young republicans. Fortunately the kids seem smart enough to have not shown up.

    2. OneYieldRegular

      As I recall, that was about the age at which Henry Hyde committed his "youthful indiscretion."

  2. SorosBot

    Oh, Jack; you must be too young to know "Don't call it a comeback" should always be followed by "I've been here for years"; there was once a time when LL Cool J was a hardcore rapper, not an amiable TV star.

      1. baconzgood

        "Foley's got a big ol' butt
        I told you once, I told you I'd be true
        but Foley's got a big ol' butt
        so I'm leaving you
        Cee-YA"

        1. Extemporanus

          ♪♫ Milky, and I'm back
          My ace in the hole with this brand new track
          I'ma slow it up and speed it up and now you're gonna eat it up
          Listen to the funky beat, my tongue is gonna beat it up
          I did it but the devil didn't make me
          I did for the suckers who tried to shake and bake me
          Proving a point that I'm a serious joint
          And you can roll me up and puff me and then I'll annoint
          Your head with oil, lots of oil
          Make it run like water, watch it boil…
          ♪♫

          "Jack the Ripper" was the first rap song that I learned by heart — it was the B-side of "Goin' Back to Cali", which was, naturally, the second.

  3. facehead

    The one guy willing to go on camera to support him is a funeral director; Foley should probably make this guy his campaign manager.

  4. Texan_Bulldog

    Yeah, John Lloyd, Funeral Director, we ALL have 'inequities' we have to overcome. For instance, I get too many speeding tickets & and don't eat enough fruits/vegetables. That's definitely on the same par as being sexually inappropriate with and stalking teenage boys.

    1. PsycWench

      I spend too much time on Wonkette so I am Mark Foley's doppleganger. Except of course for being female, straight, liberal, intelligent and having a real job.

    2. Texan_Bulldog

      Oh, and Buddy Holly's ghost called. He would like you to quit making the pompadour look even more ridiculous than it did in the 50s.

  5. BeWoot

    Hey, it's Florida. Their new-ish governor committed massive Medicare fraud, their legislature is widely known for corruption and the average Florida voter is apparently dumber than dirt. Mark Foley's chances for political rehabilitation are excellent.

    1. Negropolis

      Speaking of Florida, what's the difference between Miami, Ft. Lauderdale, and West Palm Beach? Is it the gradiation of Cubans?

  6. freakishlywrong

    Mark Foley can run for anything he wants and win. The Republicans have no standards. They can do anything, and as long as some hateful old doesn't have to pull a "D" next to a candidate's name, even the gay, boy, stalking gay boys, won't matter. They don't care as long as their in power.

  7. Sassomatic

    I'm sure that Mark Foley has seen the error of his ways and will from now on be much better at hiding the fact that he is a gay pedophile. The Republican Party has enture seminars that teach that stuff.

  8. PublicLuxury

    I gave the husb a comeback/blowback once and do you what happened? He changed his diet . . .

    Is this what is Foley doing? He probably needs to get the 'boys' to change their diets.

  9. Chet Kincaid

    I like the sequence beginning about 1:23 where he's chatting up the two "young" dudes, touches them both on the arm, says something else, and then the guy on the left recoils in horror.

  10. i_like_tigers

    If Foley can't get elected, can't we just appoint him in charge of something? …….Department of Human Services? …….Child Protective Services? ……Janitorial Supervisor?

  11. SorosBot

    While one would think a Foley comeback would be impossible, this is a country where a guy can get reelected after being caught hiring hookers to force him to wear diapers, as long as he's a Republican.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      It also appears to be a country in which a person who is so reviled that his name has become the term for the disgusting effluvium of a certain type of sexual practice feels perfectly confident in running for President. As long as he is a Republican. From Pennsylvania. Or is it Virginia?

      1. SorosBot

        Considering that he couldn't even be bothered to hire someone to mow the lawn at the PA house he owned for fake residency purposes, no matter how many timese the neighbors' complained, it's VA all the way.

    2. GOPCrusher

      Hell, Larry Craig was on his way out the door after getting caught flat-footed trolling for penii (sp?) in a Minneapolis International Airport bathroom, and got talked into not resigning. Anything is possible! Is this a great country or what?

  12. freakishlywrong

    "Have they lost their minds?" asked on Twatter. In a word; yes.
    And way before Mark Foley.

  13. bumfug

    I just want to see the look on Foley's face when he finds out the new teenage "intern" he's chatting with to set up an "interview" is really a 25 year old working for Chris Hansen.

  14. el_donaldo

    Young and beautiful
    Someday your looks will be gone
    When the others turn you off
    Who'll be turning you on?

    Mark won't. Mark won't. Mark woah oh oh oh won't.

  15. widestanceroman

    Today's reaching out will be tomorrow's 'mis-groping,' at his next "I lost my way but found your son's ass" press conference.

  16. zappadoo76

    Funeral director John Lloyd: "We all have iniquities…blah blah." What "iniquities" do you have, John? Doing something funny with corpses? Getting high on the embalming fluid? Selling the same caskets twice? Burying the dear departed on top of each other? Fondling genitals with rigor mortis? Come to Jesus, John. Fess up!

  17. Gorillionaire

    This guy has a "talk radio show"? The program director couldn't just kill an hour by, I dunno, playing some records or something?

  18. GOPCrusher

    Wasn't "reaching out" and "touching" young Republiklans the reason Mark Foley got in trouble in the first place?

  19. mourningnmerica

    More over than what…. Mark Foley is more over than… shit, I can't even think of an analogy, he is so over. All I could think of was 8-track tape, but that isn't even amusing. Anyone, feel free to help me out here….

  20. Fare la Volpe

    I do appreciate that, to the Young Republicans, working with a pedophile is okay so long as your opponent is a black guy. After all, they have standards.

Comments are closed.